Become better at talking to people π£οΈ
Summary
TLDRThe video script delves into the art of being charismatic and likable, highlighting two key traits: warmth and competence. It suggests that a balance between these traits is crucial for magnetic appeal. Drawing from Dale Carnegie's 'How to Win Friends and Influence People,' the script offers tips on using names to build rapport and being genuinely interested in others to foster connections. It also touches on the importance of conversational threading and embracing imperfection to appear more relatable. The script warns against negative gossip, emphasizing the impact of speaking positively about others. Finally, it encourages viewers to engage in conversations with the aim of enjoyment rather than seeking approval, emphasizing authenticity and self-assurance.
Takeaways
- π Charismatic people often have a balance of warmth and competence, two traits that most people struggle to balance.
- π₯ Being overly warm can overshadow competence, making one seem less impressive, while being overly competent can make one seem unapproachable.
- π£οΈ Dale Carnegie's advice to use people's names in conversations can create familiarity and rapport, showing both warmth and competence.
- π€ Carnegie also suggests being interested in others rather than trying to be interesting, which can make people feel acknowledged and listened to.
- π€ Avoid redirecting conversations about others back to oneself; instead, ask questions and show genuine interest in their experiences.
- 𧡠Use 'conversational threading' to offer multiple topics for the other person to engage with, which can keep the conversation flowing.
- π Striving for perfection can create distance; showing vulnerability or making mistakes can actually make one more relatable and likable.
- π The Pratfall Effect suggests that minor mistakes can enhance likability if the person is otherwise competent.
- π« Spontaneous trait transference warns that gossiping about others can negatively affect how you are perceived.
- π± Everyone has unique skills and hobbies that can be seen as competent and interesting, so don't underestimate your own expertise.
- π Approach conversations with the intention of having fun rather than solely to be liked, which can lead to more authentic and enjoyable interactions.
Q & A
What are the two specific traits that highly charismatic people rank high in according to Vanessa V. Edwards?
-Highly charismatic people rank high in warmth and competence.
Why can an imbalance between warmth and competence be problematic in social interactions?
-An imbalance can lead to being seen as either too approachable and not impressive enough (if more warm), or as unapproachable and intimidating (if more competent), which can hinder effective social engagement.
What does Dale Carnegie suggest as a method to remember people's names?
-Dale Carnegie suggests repeating the person's name three times during the initial conversation to help commit it to memory.
What is the main advice from Dale Carnegie's book 'How to Win Friends and Influence People' that the speaker found impactful?
-The main advice is to use people's names in conversations as it creates familiarity and rapport, and to be genuinely interested in others rather than trying to be interesting.
How does the speaker suggest we respond when someone shares a hobby or interest with us?
-The speaker suggests asking questions and showing curiosity about their hobby or interest, rather than relating it back to our own experiences, to give them space to share more and to show genuine interest.
What is 'conversational threading' and how can it be used to keep a conversation going?
-Conversational threading is offering several topics or threads that the other person can hook on to. It creates more opportunities for the other person to ask questions and keep the conversation flowing.
Why should striving for perfection in social interactions be avoided?
-Striving for perfection can create distance and make a person seem inapproachable or inauthentic. It's better to display vulnerability or make mistakes, as long as there is general competence.
What is the 'Pratt fall' effect in psychology and how does it relate to likability?
-The 'Pratt fall' effect suggests that people become more likable when they display vulnerability or make a mistake, provided they are generally competent, making them more relatable.
What is 'spontaneous trait transference' and how does it affect how we are perceived by others?
-Spontaneous trait transference is the idea that if you describe someone with certain traits, those listening may associate you with those traits as well. This means how we talk about others can shape how we are viewed.
How can owning our skills and sharing them in conversations contribute to our likability?
-Owning our skills and sharing them in conversations shows confidence and competence, which people are naturally drawn to, and it also shows that we appreciate our own unique qualities.
What is the most important tip the speaker gives for having enjoyable social interactions?
-The most important tip is to go into a conversation with the intention of having fun, rather than focusing on being liked or impressing others.
Outlines
π€ Developing Charisma through Social Skills
This paragraph delves into the attributes that make individuals magnetic and likable, highlighting the importance of balancing warmth and competence. Vanessa V. Edwards' audiobook 'Cues' is referenced, which emphasizes the significance of these two traits for charismatic people. The speaker, identifying as naturally awkward, shares insights from Dale Carnegie's 'How to Win Friends and Influence People', particularly the power of using names in conversations to establish rapport. The paragraph also touches on the idea of being genuinely interested in others rather than trying to be interesting, which fosters deeper connections. It advises against making the conversation about oneself and instead encourages curiosity and engagement with the other person's experiences.
π Enhancing Likeability and Trust
The second paragraph focuses on strategies to enhance social interactions and likability. It discusses the concept of 'conversational threading', which involves providing multiple topics within a conversation to keep it flowing and inviting. The speaker mentions the 'Pratt fall effect', suggesting that a bit of vulnerability or imperfection can make individuals more relatable and endearing, as long as they are otherwise competent. The paragraph also warns against the negative impact of gossip on one's likability, advocating for positive speech about others. It concludes by encouraging individuals to embrace their unique skills and interests, as these can contribute to their perceived competence and interesting nature, ultimately leading to increased respect and likability.
Mindmap
Keywords
π‘Charisma
π‘Warmth
π‘Competence
π‘Imbalance
π‘Authenticity
π‘Names
π‘Interest
π‘Conversational Threading
π‘Vulnerability
π‘Spontaneous Trait Transference
π‘Expertise
Highlights
Highly charismatic people rank high in warmth and competence.
Most people have an imbalance between warmth and competence.
Being highly warm can overshadow competence.
Leaning more towards competence can make one seem unapproachable.
Charismatic people have a good balance of warmth and competence.
Using people's names in conversations creates familiarity and rapport.
Repeating a person's name three times helps remember it.
Being interested in others makes you interesting.
Asking questions and showing engagement makes others feel acknowledged.
Avoid turning conversations about others into stories about yourself.
Conversational threading offers multiple topics to keep the conversation going.
Striving for perfection can make you seem inapproachable.
Displaying vulnerability or making mistakes can make you more likable.
Spontaneous trait transference means how you talk about others affects how you're viewed.
Speaking positively about others reflects positively on you.
Own your skills and expertise to show competence.
Authentic engagement in your own life exhibits self-assured confidence.
Balancing warmth and competence is key to being likable and respected.
Approach conversations with the intention of having fun, not just to be liked.
Transcripts
do you ever find yourself scanning a
room and seeing that one person that
just effortlessly captures everyone's
attention they seem really likable and
authentic and like the kind of person
that even you would want to get to know
and then I feel like there's the rest of
us we're awkwardly navigating through
various conversations afraid of saying
the wrong thing and then inevitably
still laying in bed at night wondering
why did I open my mouth at
all what is it about somebody that makes
them so magnetic and charismatic and
likable well according to Vanessa V
Edwards who's the author of this audio
book I listened to recently called cues
she said that highly charismatic people
rank high in two specific traits warmth
and competence but here's the problem
most of us have an imbalance between
these two traits we tend to be either
more warm or more competent but very few
of us possess a good balance of both so
if like me you're highly warm you know
that it has its perks you come across as
very trustworthy compassionate and
friendly essentially you're approachable
and you make people feel comfortable but
the downside is this overwhelming warmth
can sometimes overshadow your competence
it can leave others with the impression
that you're not particularly impressive
or powerful on the flip side if you lean
more towards competence I feel like
Robin is very competent for example then
you're someone who is seen as capable
respectable important people take you
seriously and they really listen when
you've got something to say but the
downside is you might come across as
unapproachable or intimidating so in
both cases your strength can also be
your weakness and what you'll find is
that people who are charismatic often
have a good balance between both warmth
and competence So today we're going to
dive into some social skills that
genuinely help to make people more
interesting and charismatic let's get
into
it I'm naturally a very awkward person
and one of the books that helped me to
become a better Communicator was Dale
Carnegie's How to Win Friends and
Influence People and one of the most
impactful tips that I took away from
that book is to use people's names in
conversations Carnegie says that a
person's name is the sweetest and most
important sound to them and it makes
sense right like our name has been a
part of our identity since we were born
so using someone's name in a
conversation immediately creates
familiarity and Rapport casually using
someone's name in conversation it
radiates warmth but also competence like
you remembered their name but if you're
anything like me you have a very hard
time remembering people's names and this
is where Carnegie gave a tip to try to
repeat the person's name three times
during your first initial conversation
with them just to help to committ it to
memory so you could say something like
hey what's your name Robin oh hey Robin
nice to meet you is that Robin with a y
or with an i bam I just said their name
three
times I used to feel so much pressure in
social interactions pressure that I had
to say something interesting or that I
had to be interesting until I learned
and this is again from Carnegie he said
be interested not interesting I think at
its core people will find you
interesting if you find them interesting
all of us just want to feel acknowledged
and listened to and the best way to
connect with somebody is to just truly
care about what they're saying and you
can show this through your actions by
asking questions by leaning in and using
non able cues like smiling and nodding
to show them that you're fully engaged
in the conversation and now this is a
crucial tip if somebody shares with you
that for example they love to paint I
think it can kind of be almost an
instinct for us to try to relate that
story back to our own life so you might
say something like ah my uncle paints
too and while you might think that this
creates a sense of shared experience it
can actually really derail the
conversation because it's taking the
story away from them and it's turning it
towards yourself
so instead of following your connection
to the subject you can Instead try to
follow your curiosity ask them about
their art you know whether they prefer
acrylics or Oils ask them about their
latest creation essentially this just
gives them space to share more and it
continues to show that you're interested
in them ultimately people will remember
not what you did or what you said but
how you made them
feel now when the conversation does turn
to you try to use something called
conversational threading this
essentially means offering several
threads or topics that the other person
can hook on to to keep the conversation
rolling so for example if someone were
to ask what did you do this weekend
instead of saying a nothing I just
relaxed which is innocent enough and
it's really okay to also respond like
that if you don't want the conversation
to continue but essentially if you do
say that it kind of shuts the
conversation down so what you could try
to say instead is oh not much I went for
a hike I tried a new sushi place and I
also started this really great new book
you see what this does is it offers the
other person several opportunities for
what they can ask next they could ask
you know where did you go hiking what
book are you reading all in all it just
creates more opportunities to connect it
invites trust and it radiates
warmth in social interactions I think we
often feel like we need to be perfect
especially if we're meeting somebody for
the first time but striving for
Perfection can actually create distance
it can make us seem inapproachable or
inauthentic in Psychology the Pratt fall
effect suggests that people become more
likable when they display some form of
vulnerability or if they make a mistake
as long as they were generally competent
to begin with so for example we started
noticing this when we started adding
bloopers to some of our videos it took
our videos from looking very curated
clean perfect to being a bit more
relatable and our audience really really
seems to love it yay for nutrition and
ground flax seeds that that felt so
cheesy heading our way over to Austria
and start
[Music]
ending it's a bloody mess so obviously
this isn't about purposefully making
mistakes or adopting flaws it's more
about not hiding imperfections when they
naturally come up and let this take a
whole lot of the pressure off you know
it means that you can laugh when you've
made a clumsy mistake it means you can
admit when you don't know something
genuinely it makes you more relatable
more likable more
endearing in Psychology there's also
this really interesting principle known
as spontaneous trait transference the
idea is that if you describe somebody as
say hardworking or smart whoever is
listening to your story might associate
you with those very traits but the
reverse is also true if you label
somebody as lazy or unreliable you might
find that you also get associated with
those same labels sometimes we feel that
gossiping about somebody makes us more
relatable and likable because we've got
the inside scoop we've got some juicy
details to share but what my sister
always used to tell me is that if
someone is gossiping to you chances are
they're also gossiping about you
subconsciously we might start to feel
like that other person is not very
trustworthy or that they're not very
kind and so this isn't like a cautionary
tale against gossiping but more so just
like a reminder that how we talk about
others shapes how we ourselves are
viewed so if you're going to chat about
somebody else try to speak about them
positively it's also going to reflect
positively on
you you do not need to be Elon Musk or
have a PhD in mathematics to be seen as
competent and interesting I feel that
every single one of us have skills and
hobbies that we excel at even if it's
something like cooking or crocheting you
know what seems mundane to you is
definitely going to be fascinating to
somebody else so don't underestimate
your expertise own your skills and don't
shy away from sharing them in
conversations either it shows confidence
and competence which people are
naturally drawn to when you appreciate
your own unique qualities and you're
authentically engaged in your own life
you're going to naturally exhibit a
self- assured confidence that other
people are going to find worthy of
respect so becoming likable and
respected is not about some elusive X
Factor it's about balancing warmth and
compet
making other people feel at ease while
also being authentically engaged in your
own life and I think the most important
tip of all is to go into a conversation
with the intention of having fun rather
than with the intention of saying you
know I hope they like me I hope you
enjoyed today's video if you did feel
free to give it a thumbs up it always
means a lot thanks for hanging with me
today friends pickup blams signing off
and I'll see you in the next video
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