3 secrets of resilient people | Lucy Hone

Summary

In this powerful talk, the speaker, a resilience researcher turned grieving mother, shares her journey through profound loss and the strategies that helped her navigate grief. She emphasizes that adversity is universal and resilience is achievable through acknowledging suffering as part of life, focusing on controllable aspects, and actively seeking positive elements amidst the pain. The speaker's personal story and research insights offer hope and practical tools for anyone facing tough times.

Takeaways

• 🌟 Adversity is a universal experience; everyone faces tough times in life, regardless of their background or circumstances.
• 🎓 The speaker's research on resilience began at the University of Pennsylvania, focusing on mental fitness for American soldiers, highlighting the importance of mental health in all professions.
• 🏗️ After the Christchurch earthquakes, the speaker shifted from research to practical application, aiding her community in resilience-building during the post-disaster period.
• 🚨 A personal tragedy in 2014, the loss of her daughter, transformed the speaker from a resilience expert to a grieving mother, offering firsthand insight into the grieving process.
• 💔 The initial advice and resources provided after her daughter's death left the speaker feeling like a victim, emphasizing the need for a more hopeful and empowering approach to grief.
• 🔬 The speaker conducted a self-experiment using her research to navigate her grief, discovering that resilience strategies can be personally beneficial even in the face of immense loss.
• 📈 Resilient individuals understand that suffering is an inherent part of life, which helps prevent feelings of victimization during difficult times.
• 🎯 Resilience involves deliberately choosing where to focus attention, concentrating on what can be changed and accepting what cannot, a skill that can be learned and applied.
• 🌈 Benefit finding, or shifting focus to include positive aspects of life, is a powerful strategy for resilience, supported by psychological research and personal experience.
• 🤔 A key question for building resilience is, 'Is what I'm doing helping or harming me?' This introspective question aids in making decisions that support personal well-being.
• 💪 Resilience is not a fixed trait but a set of ordinary processes that anyone can learn and apply, offering a path to navigate through adversity and grief.

Q & A

What was the speaker's initial area of study and research?

The speaker initially studied resilience research at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia.

Why was the University of Pennsylvania an inspiring place for the speaker?

The University of Pennsylvania was inspiring because the professors there had just been contracted to train all 1.1 million American soldiers to be mentally fit, in addition to their physical fitness.

What event forced the speaker to put her research on hold and start working with her community?

The Christchurch earthquakes hit, prompting the speaker to put her research on hold and start working with her community to help them through the post-quake period.

How did the speaker's personal life change after the tragic accident involving her daughter?

The speaker transitioned from being a resilience expert to a grieving mother, facing the challenges of loss and grief firsthand.

What was the speaker's reaction to the advice and resources provided after her daughter's death?

The speaker felt overwhelmed and disempowered by the advice, which she felt left her feeling like a victim and without any control over her grieving process.

What did the speaker decide to do instead of following the advice she received?

The speaker decided to conduct a self-experiment, using the tools and knowledge from her research to navigate her grief actively.

What are the three strategies the speaker shared for building resilience?

The three strategies are: understanding that suffering is part of life, choosing where to focus attention wisely, and asking oneself whether actions are helping or harming.

How does the speaker describe the concept of 'benefits finding' in the context of resilience?

'Benefits finding' involves looking for things to be grateful for, even in the midst of adversity, as a way to shift focus and find positivity.

What experiment did Martin Seligman and colleagues conduct to demonstrate the power of focusing on positive experiences?

They asked people to think of three good things that happened to them each day and found that over six months, these individuals showed higher levels of gratitude, happiness, and less depression.

How does the speaker define resilience and its relation to ordinary processes?

Resilience is not a fixed trait but a set of ordinary processes that anyone can learn and apply, such as the strategies she shared, which require the willingness to try them.

What message does the speaker convey about the possibility of living and grieving at the same time?

The speaker emphasizes that it is possible to live and grieve simultaneously, and that the strategies she shared have been instrumental in her own journey of grief and resilience.

Outlines

00:00

🌟 Introduction to Resilience Research

The speaker begins by engaging the audience with a personal and emotional introduction, asking them to stand up if they have experienced various forms of adversity. This serves to highlight the universality of suffering and sets the stage for a discussion on resilience. The speaker then shares her background in resilience research at the University of Pennsylvania, where she was part of a team training American soldiers to be mentally fit. The narrative takes a personal turn when she recounts the Christchurch earthquakes and her shift from researcher to community helper, leading to a profound personal test of resilience when her daughter and friends died in a car accident.

05:03

😢 The Personal Struggle with Grief

In this paragraph, the speaker delves into her own experience of grief after the tragic loss of her daughter. She describes the overwhelming sense of victimhood and powerlessness that came with the well-intentioned but ultimately disempowering advice she received. The speaker rejects the narrative of being a passive victim to her grief and instead decides to take an active role in navigating her way through it. She embarks on a self-experiment, leveraging her research background to test the effectiveness of resilience strategies in her own life, with the goal of finding hope and a path forward amidst her anguish.

10:06

🛡️ Strategies for Building Resilience

The speaker outlines three key strategies for resilience that she found most helpful during her darkest days. The first is the understanding that suffering is an inevitable part of life, which prevents feelings of victimization. The second strategy involves deliberately choosing where to focus one's attention, learning to concentrate on what can be changed and accepting what cannot. The speaker emphasizes the importance of balancing the natural human tendency to notice negative aspects with the ability to also tune into positive experiences. The third strategy is a self-reflective question—'Is what I'm doing helping or harming me?'—which serves as a guide for decision-making in the face of adversity. These strategies are presented as accessible tools that anyone can learn and apply to navigate tough times.

15:06

🌈 Resilience in the Face of Tragedy

In the concluding paragraph, the speaker reflects on her journey of applying resilience strategies in the face of personal tragedy. She acknowledges the difficulty of the process and the persistence of pain but asserts the effectiveness of the strategies in helping her to live and grieve simultaneously. The speaker encourages those who feel overwhelmed by their circumstances to embrace these strategies, offering a message of hope and empowerment. She ends with a heartfelt expression of gratitude for the insights gained through her experience and a round of applause from the audience.

Keywords

💡Resilience

Resilience refers to the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties, adapting to change and overcoming adversity. In the video, it is the central theme, as the speaker discusses her personal journey and the strategies she used to build resilience after experiencing profound loss. The concept is illustrated through her work with communities post-disaster and her own transformation from a researcher to a grieving mother.

💡Adversity

Adversity is a term used to describe difficult or unfortunate circumstances. The video emphasizes that adversity is a universal experience, as evidenced by the audience's participation in standing up for various hardships they've faced. The speaker uses her own tragic experience to explore how individuals can develop resilience in the face of adversity.

💡Grief

Grief is the deep emotional response to loss, particularly bereavement. The script discusses grief extensively, particularly the speaker's personal experience with the loss of her daughter. It is used to highlight the profound impact of loss on an individual's life and the process of finding a way to navigate through such intense emotions.

💡Mental Fitness

Mental fitness is the concept of maintaining a healthy state of mind, similar to physical fitness for the body. In the context of the video, the speaker mentions training American soldiers to be mentally fit, indicating the importance of psychological well-being in addition to physical health, especially in high-stress situations.

💡Benefit Finding

Benefit finding is a psychological process where individuals attempt to identify positive aspects or potential benefits within a negative situation. The speaker uses this concept to describe her strategy of focusing on the positive aspects of her life despite her grief, such as the support she received and the children she still had.

💡Strategies

Strategies, in this context, refer to the methods or plans used to achieve a specific goal, particularly in overcoming adversity. The speaker shares three key strategies that helped her cope with her loss and build resilience, which are central to the video's message of empowerment and hope.

💡Attention

Attention, in the video, is discussed in terms of focusing on either the negative or positive aspects of a situation. The speaker emphasizes the importance of choosing where to direct one's attention as a vital skill for resilience, suggesting that focusing on what can be changed or appreciating the positive can aid in coping with adversity.

💡Hope

Hope is presented as a crucial element for overcoming adversity. The speaker expresses her need for hope during her grieving process, rather than being overwhelmed by the negative predictions about her future. Hope is portrayed as a driving force that can motivate individuals to actively participate in their healing journey.

💡Empowerment

Empowerment is the process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in controlling one's life. The video discusses the concept of empowerment through the speaker's self-experiment with resilience strategies, showing that individuals have the power to influence their own healing and well-being.

💡Grieving Process

The grieving process refers to the stages and emotions one experiences when dealing with loss. The speaker rejects the passive approach to grief suggested by traditional advice, advocating instead for an active role in one's grieving process, which aligns with the video's theme of resilience and personal agency.

💡Self-Experiment

A self-experiment is when an individual tests a hypothesis or strategy on themselves. The speaker conducted a self-experiment by applying her research on resilience to her personal life after a tragic event. This concept illustrates the practical application of theoretical knowledge in real-life situations.

Highlights

The speaker begins by asking the audience to stand if they've experienced various forms of adversity, emphasizing that everyone faces tough times.

The speaker's research on resilience began at the University of Pennsylvania, where she was trained by professors who were also training American soldiers.

After the Christchurch earthquakes, the speaker put her research on hold to help her community, teaching resilience strategies.

In 2014, the speaker's daughter and two others were killed in a car accident, which became her personal test of resilience.

The speaker felt the advice given to her after the tragedy was more about being a victim rather than providing hope and actionable strategies.

She decided to conduct a self-experiment using her research to navigate her grief, rather than following the advice that made her feel powerless.

Five years after the tragedy, the speaker confirms that the strategies she researched are effective in rising from adversity.

Three key strategies for resilience are introduced: understanding suffering as part of life, choosing where to focus attention, and assessing whether actions are helpful or harmful.

Resilient people do not feel discriminated against when suffering occurs, as they see it as a part of the human experience.

The speaker emphasizes the importance of not just focusing on the negative but also tuning into the good in life.

An experiment by Martin Seligman showed that focusing on three good things each day increased gratitude, happiness, and reduced depression.

The speaker discusses the power of asking oneself whether current actions are helping or harming, as a way to regain control over decision-making.

Resilience is not a fixed trait but a set of ordinary processes that anyone can learn and apply.

The speaker encourages the audience to use the resilience strategies when faced with overwhelming situations, asserting that they can help even if they don't remove all pain.

The talk concludes with a message of hope and gratitude, showing that it is possible to live and grieve simultaneously.

The speaker's personal experience and research provide a unique perspective on resilience and the ability to navigate through life's toughest challenges.

Transcripts

Transcriber: Ivana Korom Reviewer: Joanna Pietrulewicz

So I'd like to start, if I may, by asking you some questions.

If you've ever lost someone you truly love,

ever had your heart broken,

ever struggled through an acrimonious divorce,

or been the victim of infidelity,

please stand up.

If standing up isn't accessible to you, you can put your hand up.

Please, stay standing,

and keep your hand up there.

If you've ever lived through a natural disaster,

been bullied or been made redundant,

stand on up.

If you've ever had a miscarriage,

if you've ever had an abortion

or struggled through infertility,

please stand up.

Finally, if you, or anyone you love,

has had to cope with mental illness, dementia,

some form of physical impairment,

or cope with suicide,

please stand up.

Look around you.

Adversity doesn't discriminate.

If you are alive,

you are going to have to, or you've already had to,

deal with some tough times.

Thank you, everyone, take a seat.

I started studying resilience research a decade ago,

at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia.

It was an amazing time to be there,

because the professors who trained me

had just picked up the contract to train all 1.1 million American soldiers

to be as mentally fit as they always have been physically fit.

As you can imagine,

you don't get a much more skeptical discerning audience

than the American drill sergeants returning from Afganistan.

So for someone like me,

whose main quest in life is trying to work out

how we take the best of scientific findings out of academia

and bring them to people in their everyday lives,

it was a pretty inspiring place to be.

I finished my studies in America,

and I returned home here to Christchurch

to start my doctoral research.

I'd just begun that study

when the Christchurch earthquakes hit.

So I put my research on hold,

and I started working with my home community

to help them through that terrible post-quake period.

I worked with all sorts of organizations

from government departments to building companies,

and all sorts of community groups,

teaching them the ways of thinking and acting

that we know boost resilience.

I thought that was my calling.

My moment to put all of that research to good use.

But sadly, I was wrong.

For my own true test came in 2014

on Queen's Birthday weekend.

We and two other families had decided

to go down to Lake Ohau and bike the outs to ocean.

At the last minute,

my beautiful 12-year-old daughter Abi

decided to hop in the car with her best friend, Ella, also 12,

and Ella's mom, Sally, a dear, dear friend of mine.

On the way down, as they traveled through Rakaia

on Thompsons Track,

a car sped through a stop sign,

crashing into them

and killing all three of them instantly.

In the blink of an eye,

I find myself flung to the other side of the equation,

waking up with a whole new identity.

Instead of being the resilience expert,

suddenly, I'm the grieving mother.

Waking up not knowing who I am,

trying to wrap my head around unthinkable news,

my world smashed to smithereens.

Suddenly, I'm the one on the end of all this expert advice.

And I can tell you,

I didn't like what I heard one little bit.

In the days after Abi died,

we were told we were now prime candidates for family estrangement.

That we were likely to get divorced

and we were at high risk of mental illness.

"Wow," I remember thinking,

"Thanks for that, I though my life was already pretty shit."

(Laughter)

Leaflets described the five stages of grief:

anger, bargaining, denial, depression, acceptance.

Victim support arrived at our door

and told us that we could expect to write off the next five years to grief.

I know the leaflets and the resources meant well.

But in all of that advice,

they left us feeling like victims.

Totally overwhelmed by the journey ahead,

and powerless to exert any influence over our grieving whatsoever.

I didn't need to be told how bad things were.

Believe me, I already knew things were truly terrible.

What I needed most was hope.

I needed a journey through all that anguish,

pain and longing.

Most of all,

I wanted to be an active participant in my grief process.

So I decided to turn my back on their advice

and decided instead to conduct something of a self-experiment.

I'd done the research, I had the tools,

I wanted to know how useful they would be to me now

in the face of such an enormous mountain to climb.

Now, I have to confess at this point,

I didn't really know that any of this was going to work.

Parental bereavement is widely acknowledged

as the hardest of losses to bear.

But I can tell you now, five years on,

what I already knew from the research.

That you can rise up from adversity,

that there are strategies that work,

that it is utterly possible

to make yourself think and act in certain ways

that help you navigate tough times.

There is a monumental body of research on how to do this stuff.

Today, I'm just going to share with you three strategies.

These are my go-to strategies that I relied upon

and saved me in my darkest days.

They're three strategies that underpin all of my work,

and they're pretty readily available to us all,

anyone can learn them,

you can learn them right here today.

So number one,

resilient people get that shit happens.

They know that suffering is part of life.

This doesn't mean they actually welcome it in,

they're not actually delusional.

Just that when the tough times come,

they seem to know

that suffering is part of every human existence.

And knowing this stops you from feeling discriminated against

when the tough times come.

Never once did I find myself thinking,

"Why me?"

In fact, I remember thinking,

"Why not me?

Terrible things happen to you,

just like they do everybody else.

That's your life now,

time to sink or swim."

The real tragedy

is that not enough of us seem to know this any longer.

We seem to live in an age

where we're entitled to a perfect life,

where shiny, happy photos on Instagram are the norm,

when actually,

as you all demonstrated at the start of my talk,

the very opposite is true.

Number two,

resilient people

are really good at choosing carefully where they select their attention.

They have a habit of realistically appraising situations,

and typically, managing to focus on the things that they can change,

and somehow accept the things that they can't.

This is a vital, learnable skill for resilience.

As humans, we are really good

at noticing threats and weaknesses.

We are hardwired for that negative.

We're really, really good at noticing them.

Negative emotions stick to us like Velcro,

whereas positive emotions and experiences seems to bounce off like Teflon.

Being wired in this way is actually really good for us,

and served us well from an evolutionary perspective.

So imagine for a moment I'm a cavewoman,

and I'm coming out of my cave in the morning,

and there's a saber-toothed tiger on one side

and a beautiful rainbow on the other.

It kind of pays for my survival for me to notice this tiger.

The problem is,

we now live in an era where we are constantly bombarded

by threats all day long,

and our poor brains treat every single one of those threats

as though they were a tiger.

Our threat focus, our stress response,

is permanently dialed up.

Resilient people don't diminish the negative,

but they also have worked out a way

of tuning into the good.

One day, when doubts were threatening to overwhelm me,

I distinctly remember thinking,

"No, you do not get to get swallowed up by this.

You have to survive.

You've got so much to live for.

Choose life, not death.

Don't lose what you have

to what you have lost."

In psychology, we call this benefit finding.

In my brave new world,

it involved trying to find things to be grateful for.

At least our wee girl

hadn't died of some terrible, long, drawn-out illness.

She died suddenly, instantly,

sparing us and her that pain.

We had a huge amount of social support from family and friends

to help us through.

And most of all,

we still had two beautiful boys to live for,

who needed us now,

and deserved to have as normal a life as we could possibly give them.

Being able to switch the focus of your attention

to also include the good

has been shown by science to be a really powerful strategy.

So in 2005, Martin Seligman and colleagues conducted an experiment.

And they asked people, all they asked people to do,

was think of three good things that had happened to them each day.

What they found, over the six months course of this study,

was that those people showed higher levels of gratitude,

higher levels of happiness

and less depression over the course of the six-month study.

When you're going through grief,

you might need a reminder,

or you might need permission to feel grateful.

In our kitchen, we've got a bright pink neon poster

that reminds us to "accept" the good.

In the American army,

they framed it a little bit differently.

They talked to the army about hunting the good stuff.

Find the language that works for you,

but whatever you do,

make an intentional, deliberate, ongoing effort

to tune into what's good in your world.

Number three,

resilient people ask themselves,

"Is what I'm doing helping or harming me?"

This is a question that's used a lot in good therapy.

And boy, is it powerful.

This was my go-to question

in the days after the girls died.

I would ask it again and again.

"Should I go to the trial and see the driver?

Would that help me or would it harm me?"

Well, that was a no-brainer for me,

I chose to stay away.

But Trevor, my husband, decided to meet with the driver

at a later time.

Late at night, I'd find myself sometimes poring over old photos of Abi,

getting more and more upset.

I'd ask myself,

"Really? Is this helping you or is it harming you?

Put away the photos,

go to bed for the night,

be kind to yourself."

This question can be applied to so many different contexts.

Is the way I'm thinking and acting helping or harming you,

in your bid to get that promotion,

to pass that exam,

to recover from a heart attack?

So many different ways.

I write a lot about resilience,

and over the years, this one strategy

has prompted more positive feedback than any other.

I get scores of letters and emails and things

from all over the place of people saying

what a huge impact it's had on their lives.

Whether it is forgiving family ancient transgressions, arguments

from Christmases past,

or whether it is just trolling through social media,

whether it is asking yourself

whether you really need that extra glass of wine.

Asking yourself whether what you're doing, the way you're thinking,

the way you're acting

is helping or harming you,

puts you back in the driver's seat.

It gives you some control over your decision-making.

Three strategies.

Pretty simple.

They're readily available to us all,

anytime, anywhere.

They don't require rocket science.

Resilience isn't some fixed trait.

It's not elusive,

that some people have and some people don't.

It actually requires very ordinary processes.

Just the willingness to give them a go.

I think we all have moments in life

where our life path splits

and the journey we thought we were going down

veers off to some terrible direction

that we never anticipated,

and we certainly didn't want.

It happened to me.

It was awful beyond imagining.

If you ever find yourselves in a situation where you think

"There's no way I'm coming back from this,"

I urge you to lean into these strategies

and think again.

I won't pretend

that thinking this way is easy.

And it doesn't remove all the pain.

But if I've learned anything over the last five years,

it is that thinking this way really does help.

More than anything,

it has shown me that it is possible

to live and grieve at the same time.

And for that, I would be always grateful.

Thank you.

(Applause)