Try THIS the Next Time You Have an Uncomfortable Conversation | Simon Sinek

Summary

The speaker emphasizes the importance of developing human skills, particularly the ability to have uncomfortable conversations. They suggest that avoiding such conversations can perpetuate discomfort and damage relationships. Instead, one should lean into the tension and ask for permission to engage in the conversation. The speaker outlines a method involving expressing feelings, identifying specific behaviors, and discussing potential impacts. They share a personal story of successfully navigating an uncomfortable conversation with a friend, which resulted in a stronger relationship. The key takeaway is to practice this skill by actually having these conversations.

Takeaways

• 🧐 The importance of human skills: Being human requires effort and the ability to have uncomfortable conversations is one such skill.
• 💨 Avoidance is not the solution: Running away from discomfort can perpetuate issues and damage relationships.
• 🤝 Leaning into tension: Engaging with discomfort is a healthier approach than avoidance.
• 🗣️ Preparing for the conversation: Informing the other person that an uncomfortable conversation is needed can help them prepare and be less defensive.
• 😟 Acknowledging fear: It's okay to express apprehension about having the conversation and to ask for patience.
• 🙏 Asking for permission: Always ask if it's okay to have the conversation, respecting the other person's readiness.
• 🔑 The FBI method: Use Feelings, Behavior, and Impact to structure the conversation effectively.
• 👍 Being specific: Use concrete examples to avoid generalizations that can lead to misunderstandings.
• 🌟 Addressing concerns: Discussing the potential negative impacts of not addressing the issue can help in resolving the problem.
• 💪 Practice makes perfect: The skill of having uncomfortable conversations improves with practice and actual engagement.

Q & A

Why is it important to have uncomfortable conversations according to the speaker?

The speaker emphasizes the importance of uncomfortable conversations as a necessary human skill. Being able to address discomfort directly helps to avoid perpetuating issues, which can lead to broken relationships.

What are the common responses to discomfort mentioned in the script?

The script mentions two common responses to discomfort: running away from it or leaning into the tension. The speaker suggests that avoidance is not the best option as it can perpetuate discomfort and damage relationships.

How does the speaker suggest preparing for an uncomfortable conversation?

The speaker suggests preparing for an uncomfortable conversation by first stating what's about to happen, which allows the other person to take a deep breath and be less defensive.

What is the significance of asking permission before having an uncomfortable conversation?

Asking permission before having an uncomfortable conversation is important because it shows respect for the other person's readiness and mindset to engage in such a discussion. It also prevents the conversation from being sprung on them unexpectedly.

What does the speaker mean by 'leaning into the tension'?

To 'lean into the tension' means to confront the discomfort or issue directly rather than avoiding it. This approach is recommended as a better way to deal with discomfort and to prevent the escalation of problems.

What is the acronym 'FBI' used for in the context of having an uncomfortable conversation?

The acronym 'FBI' stands for Feelings, Behavior, and Impact. It is a mnemonic used to structure the conversation by addressing one's feelings, the specific behavior that caused those feelings, and the potential impact if the behavior continues unchanged.

Why is it important to be specific when labeling the behavior that caused discomfort?

Being specific when labeling the behavior that caused discomfort helps to avoid generalizations like 'you always' which can lead to defensiveness and counterarguments. It allows for a more focused and productive conversation.

How does the speaker describe the outcome of their recent uncomfortable conversation with a friend?

The speaker describes the outcome as fantastic. The conversation led to both parties opening up about their insecurities and fears, resulting in a stronger and better relationship than before.

What is the speaker's advice on practicing the skill of having uncomfortable conversations?

The speaker advises practicing the skill by actually having uncomfortable conversations. This practice helps in learning and improving the ability to address issues directly and effectively.

What is the potential negative outcome if uncomfortable conversations are avoided according to the script?

If uncomfortable conversations are avoided, the script suggests that the issues can escalate, potentially leading to ongoing tension and even the destruction of relationships.

Why does the speaker emphasize the importance of addressing discomfort in relationships?

The speaker emphasizes the importance because addressing discomfort can lead to a deeper understanding between individuals, stronger bonds, and the growth of the relationship, rather than letting it fester and potentially ruin the connection.

Outlines

00:00

🗣️ Embracing Uncomfortable Conversations

The speaker discusses the necessity of engaging in uncomfortable conversations as a part of human development. They emphasize that unlike animals, humans must actively work on their social skills, including addressing discomfort that arises from interpersonal issues. The speaker rejects avoidance as a solution, suggesting that it can exacerbate discomfort and damage relationships. Instead, they advocate for confronting the tension directly, which can be done in various ways. However, without the proper skills, such confrontations can escalate into arguments and ruin relationships. The speaker shares their personal approach to initiating these conversations, including giving a heads-up to the other person and asking for their permission to proceed, which can help in reducing defensiveness and setting the stage for a more productive dialogue.

Keywords

💡Uncomfortable Conversations

Uncomfortable conversations refer to discussions that involve difficult or sensitive topics, which can cause emotional discomfort or tension. In the video's theme, it is highlighted as a crucial human skill that is often necessary for resolving conflicts and maintaining healthy relationships. The script mentions that avoiding these conversations can perpetuate discomfort and damage relationships, emphasizing the importance of facing these situations head-on.

💡Human Skills

Human skills are the abilities and competencies that are unique to human beings, such as communication, empathy, and conflict resolution. The video emphasizes the need to work hard to develop these skills, particularly in the context of having uncomfortable conversations. It contrasts human skills with the natural behaviors of cats, suggesting that while cats do not have to work to be themselves, humans must actively practice and refine their skills.

💡Leaning into Tension

Leaning into tension is the act of facing and engaging with a difficult situation or feeling, rather than avoiding it. The video script uses this phrase to describe a proactive approach to uncomfortable conversations. It suggests that by confronting the tension, individuals can work through issues and potentially strengthen relationships, rather than letting them fester and cause further problems.

💡Avoidance

Avoidance is the act of staying away from or not dealing with a problem or difficult situation. In the context of the video, avoidance is presented as a less desirable option when it comes to uncomfortable conversations. It is mentioned that avoiding these conversations can lead to ongoing discomfort and even the breakdown of relationships, which is why it's important to address issues directly.

💡Confrontation

Confrontation is a direct and forceful way of dealing with a problem or conflict. The video script discusses the possibility of having a confrontation when leaning into tension. However, it also warns that without the proper skills, a confrontation can escalate into an argument and damage relationships, which is why the art of having uncomfortable conversations is essential.

💡Skill Set

A skill set refers to the collection of abilities and knowledge that an individual possesses. In the video, having a 'skill set' for uncomfortable conversations is portrayed as important to prevent them from escalating into arguments or damaging relationships. The script implies that these skills can be learned and practiced to improve one's ability to handle difficult discussions.

💡Permission

Permission in this context refers to seeking consent or agreement from another person before initiating a conversation, especially one that may be uncomfortable. The video script describes a method of asking for permission before starting an uncomfortable conversation, which can help set the stage for a more receptive and less defensive interaction.

💡FBI Mnemonic

The FBI mnemonic stands for Feelings, Behavior, and Impact, and it is a tool mentioned in the script for structuring uncomfortable conversations. It helps individuals to articulate their emotions, identify specific behaviors that caused those feelings, and discuss the potential consequences if the behavior continues. The script uses this mnemonic as a method to be clear and specific during difficult discussions.

💡Specificity

Specificity in the context of the video refers to the clarity and detail with which one should communicate their feelings and concerns during an uncomfortable conversation. The script advises against vague statements like 'you always' and instead encourages individuals to be specific about the behavior and its impact to avoid misunderstandings and defensiveness.

💡Relationships

Relationships are the connections and interactions between individuals. The video script frequently mentions relationships, emphasizing that the ability to have uncomfortable conversations is essential for maintaining and strengthening these connections. It suggests that by addressing issues directly, individuals can resolve conflicts and potentially improve their relationships.

💡Practice

Practice refers to the act of repeatedly performing an activity or skill to improve one's proficiency. In the video, the speaker encourages the audience to practice having uncomfortable conversations as a way to develop and refine their skills in this area. The script implies that through practice, individuals can become more adept at navigating difficult discussions and preserving important relationships.

Highlights

The importance of human skills in having uncomfortable conversations.

Being uncomfortable is part of the human experience.

Avoidance is not the best option for dealing with discomfort.

Leaning into tension is a better way to handle discomfort.

Confrontation can escalate discomfort into arguments and destroyed relationships.

The necessity of developing the skill to have uncomfortable conversations.

Approaching uncomfortable conversations by stating the intent.

Allowing the other person to prepare for the conversation.

Asking for permission to have the conversation.

Being transparent about the fear of having the conversation.

The importance of addressing issues rather than avoiding them for the sake of relationships.

Engaging in FBI: Feelings, Behavior, and Impact.

Being specific when describing feelings and behaviors.

Avoiding generalizations to prevent misunderstandings.

Labeling the specific behavior that caused discomfort.

Expressing the potential impact if the behavior continues unaddressed.

A personal example of having an uncomfortable conversation with a friend.

The positive outcome of the conversation leading to a stronger relationship.

Encouragement to practice and learn the skill of having uncomfortable conversations.

Transcripts

here's a question I get fairly often

which is how to have uncomfortable

conversations as you know I talk about

the importance of human skills cats

don't have to work very hard to be cats

it comes pretty naturally to them but

for us as human beings we actually have

to work very hard to be human and one of

those human skills that we need to

practice is how to have uncomfortable

conversations being uncomfortable is

part of being human and sometimes

discomfort is caused by something we

have with another person whether

professionally or personally there is a

tension that causes discomfort now there

are many ways to respond to that

discomfort we can run away from it that

is an option avoidance is always an

option I don't think it's the best

option because then it just perpetuates

the discomfort or breaks relationships

the better way to deal with it is to

lean into the tension now there are also

multiple ways to lean into tension if

you want to have a confrontation with

someone if you want to lean into that

tension and have an uncomfortable

conversation too often when we don't

have the skill set it gets worse and

explodes and becomes an argument and

sometimes also ends in a destroyed

relationship

so the skill of having an uncomfortable

conversation is essential this is how I

do them in fact I just had one recently

with a friend and it went like this I

need to have an uncomfortable

conversation with you

by by stating what's about to happen it

lets the person take a deep breath and

know what's about to happen is leaning

into tension it also lets them be

prepared and be a little less defensive

um if you don't trust your skills on how

to have an uncomfortable conversation

then say something like this I need to

have an uncomfortable conversation with

you I'm afraid of having this

conversation because I'm afraid that

I'll say the wrong thing or it'll come

out the wrong way and make things worse

so please be patient with me as I try to

Fumble through this and get out what I

need to tell you but it's more important

to me that I have this conversation with

you and try and address this situation

then avoid it because this relationship

matters to me and I want to go through

this with you

can we have that conversation and I

always do that I always ask permission

can we have that conversation can I have

this conversation with you now because

they may not be in the mindset forth

they may say yes I won't have this

conversation but can we have it in an

hour right so as opposed to being sprung

on them so I have to have enough I have

to have an uncomfortable I have to have

an uncomfortable conversation with you

can I have it now yes okay now you want

to engage in something called FBI it's

just a mnemonic you can do it in any

order but you have to have all three

your feelings

the behavior that made you that made you

feel that way and the potential impact

of the behavior doesn't change

be specific as you can feelings do

better than happy sad angry I'm really

frustrated or

um I was put on edge or I'm feeling

distant from you or I'm uncomfortable

because then label the behavior that

they did that made you feel that way and

again be really really specific avoid

things like you always dot dot dot

because they'll tell you the one time

that they didn't and now you're

backpedaling pick the most egregious or

the most recent one and talk about that

situation

and how whatever they did made you feel

a certain way and your fear that if that

continues over it's not goes unaddressed

that something will happen maybe you

know there'll always be tension between

us and the relationship will break and

that's exactly what I did with my friend

um it's a relatively new friend

something happened that made it

uncomfortable

um I said I need to have an

uncomfortable conversation with you

um just fumble through this with me I

don't wanna but this relationship

matters to me and so I want to have this

conversation I addressed what the

situation was

and then I said my fear is that if you

and I don't lean into this now that this

this this little French this friendship

this uh this sprouting of a friendship

that we're having will get destroyed and

I would actually rather see it grow

and we had a very uncomfortable

conversation and it turned out to be

fantastic because we ended up opening up

to each other and revealing various

insecurities and fears that were both

triggered by each other and it was just

fantastic and the relationship is even

better now than it was before so

please please please practice and learn

the skill of having uncomfortable

conversations and the way you're going

to practice them is by actually having

them