Honest liars -- the psychology of self-deception: Cortney Warren at TEDxUNLV

Summary

The speaker delves into the concept of self-deception, revealing how humans often lie to themselves about everyday details and life choices. They discuss the impact of childhood experiences on adult self-deception, using psychological theories like Freud's ego-defense mechanisms and cognitive distortions to explain these tendencies. The talk emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and therapy in confronting self-deception, advocating for honesty as a path to a more fulfilling life. The speaker's personal journey, including a surprising career change, illustrates the challenges and rewards of embracing truth.

Takeaways

• 🧐 **Self-Deception is Ubiquitous**: People often deceive themselves about various aspects of their lives, from trivial details to significant life choices.
• 🤔 **Self-Deception's Impact on Relationships**: Fear of abandonment and self-deception can lead to unhealthy behaviors in romantic relationships.
• 💪 **Psychological Strength and Self-Truth**: Lying to oneself stems from a lack of psychological strength to face the truth; understanding self-deception is crucial for personal growth.
• 👶 **Childhood Influences on Self-Deception**: Early life experiences and conclusions about oneself significantly shape the self-deceptive tendencies in adulthood.
• 🧐 **Freud's Ego-Defense Mechanisms**: Sigmund Freud's theories describe how self-deception works through denial, rationalization, and projection.
• 🤯 **Cognitive Distortions**: Cognitive-behavioral theories explain how irrational thinking patterns, like polarized thinking and emotional reasoning, contribute to self-deception.
• 🌐 **Existential Givens**: Self-deception is a way to avoid confronting the fundamental realities of life, such as death, ultimate aloneness, meaninglessness, and freedom.
• 🌈 **Cultural Influences**: Multicultural and feminist psychology highlight how cultural norms and expectations can lead to self-deception.
• 🔍 **Self-Awareness**: Becoming aware of one's self-deceptive behaviors and irrational thoughts is the first step towards change.
• 💬 **Responsibility for Choices**: Acknowledging our insecurities and the lies we tell ourselves leads to taking responsibility for our choices and their consequences.
• 🛡️ **Therapy as a Tool**: Psychotherapy can be a powerful tool for confronting self-deception and fostering personal growth.

Q & A

What is the main theme discussed in the script?

The main theme discussed in the script is self-deception, how it manifests in various aspects of life, and its consequences.

How does the speaker describe the concept of self-deception?

The speaker describes self-deception as a tendency to lie to ourselves about various aspects of our lives, from minor details to significant life choices, often due to a lack of psychological strength to face the truth.

What are some examples of self-deception mentioned in the script?

Examples of self-deception mentioned include lying about daily food intake, not listing actual height and weight on a driver's license, making aspirational statements about behavior that are not followed through, and upholding social ideals that may not reflect personal reality.

How does the speaker's personal experience with self-deception in romantic relationships illustrate the concept?

The speaker's personal experience illustrates self-deception through her actions driven by a fear of abandonment, such as anxiously waiting for phone calls and questioning her partner's love, which she was unable to admit at the time.

What are the psychological theories mentioned that help explain self-deception?

The psychological theories mentioned are Sigmund Freud's ego-defense mechanisms, including denial, rationalization, and projection, as well as cognitive distortions from cognitive-behavioral realms.

What is the significance of childhood experiences in shaping our self-deceptive tendencies according to the script?

Childhood experiences are significant because they shape our identity and the conclusions we make about ourselves and our environment, which later manifest as self-deceptive tendencies in adulthood.

How does the speaker suggest we begin to confront our self-deception?

The speaker suggests that the first step in confronting self-deception is self-awareness, becoming observers of ourselves, and pausing to reflect when we have strong emotional reactions, inconsistencies between our words and actions, or irrational thoughts.

What role does psychotherapy play in addressing self-deception according to the script?

Psychotherapy is presented as a beneficial relationship that exists solely to help the individual confront their self-deception, requiring courage to be vulnerable and offering a space to understand oneself better.

What is the existential perspective on self-deception as discussed in the script?

The existential perspective suggests that self-deception is a way to avoid confronting the fundamental realities of life, known as the Givens of Life, which include death, ultimate aloneness, meaninglessness, and freedom.

How does the speaker's personal decision to resign from her tenured position at UNLV relate to the theme of self-deception?

The speaker's decision to resign relates to the theme of self-deception as it represents her confronting her own truth and passions, despite the societal and self-imposed expectations and fears, which is a significant step in overcoming self-deception.

Outlines

00:00

🤥 The Ubiquity of Self-Deception

This paragraph delves into the concept of self-deception, highlighting how humans are prone to deceive themselves and others. The speaker, Adrienne Lin, shares her personal journey of discovery during graduate school, where she observed self-deception in various aspects of life, from trivial daily habits to significant life decisions, including romantic relationships. She admits her own fears and behaviors in relationships, which she could not acknowledge at the time due to self-deception. The paragraph emphasizes that self-deception stems from a lack of psychological strength to face the truth and its consequences. However, recognizing and understanding self-deception is presented as a key to living a fulfilling life, as it allows for self-acceptance and the opportunity for change. The speaker also touches on how our early life experiences and the conclusions we draw from them shape our adult behaviors and self-deception.

05:02

🧐 Cognitive Distortions and Self-Deception

The second paragraph explores cognitive distortions as a form of self-deception, explaining how irrational thought patterns can lead to a distorted perception of reality. It outlines several cognitive distortions such as Polarized Thinking, Emotional Reasoning, and Overgeneralization, providing examples of how these distortions manifest in everyday life. The paragraph also discusses existential concepts like the inevitability of death, ultimate aloneness, meaninglessness, and freedom, which people often deceive themselves about to avoid confronting the harsh realities of life. Furthermore, it examines the role of cultural norms in self-deception, questioning whether individuals adhere to societal expectations because they genuinely believe in them or because they feel compelled by cultural conditioning. The speaker encourages self-awareness and reflection on one's actions and beliefs as a means to start acknowledging and confronting self-deception.

10:04

💪 Confronting Self-Deception for Personal Growth

In the final paragraph, the speaker discusses the importance of confronting self-deception for personal growth and fulfillment. They emphasize the value of self-awareness, suggesting that individuals should pause and reflect when they experience strong emotions, notice inconsistencies between their words and actions, or entertain irrational thoughts. The paragraph also addresses the tendency to avoid responsibility for one's feelings and choices, instead blaming external factors or other people. The speaker advocates for the use of psychotherapy as a means to confront self-deception, dispelling common misconceptions about therapy and highlighting its benefits. They share a personal story of resigning from a tenured professorship to pursue a more fulfilling path, illustrating the courage and self-honesty required to make such a significant life change. The paragraph concludes with a call to action, urging individuals to become more honest with themselves and to use the truth as a tool for living a fulfilling life.

Keywords

💡self-deception

Self-deception refers to the psychological phenomenon where individuals deceive themselves into believing what is not true or refusing to acknowledge what is true. In the video, self-deception is a central theme, with the speaker discussing how it manifests in various aspects of life, from small everyday lies to significant life choices. For example, the speaker mentions lying about the number of cookies eaten or the reasons behind marriage and career choices, illustrating how self-deception can affect personal behavior and decision-making.

💡psychological strength

Psychological strength is the inner resilience and fortitude that enables individuals to face and accept the truth, even when it is difficult or painful. The video emphasizes that lying to oneself often stems from a lack of psychological strength to confront the truth. The speaker's personal narrative about her fear of abandonment and the behaviors it led to highlights the importance of psychological strength in overcoming self-deception and embracing reality.

💡ego-defense mechanisms

Ego-defense mechanisms are psychological strategies that protect an individual's self-image or ego from anxiety or psychological pain. Sigmund Freud's theories, as mentioned in the video, describe these mechanisms such as denial, rationalization, and projection. These mechanisms are used to avoid confronting uncomfortable truths about oneself. The speaker uses the example of denying alcohol problems or justifying yelling at someone to illustrate how ego-defense mechanisms operate in self-deception.

💡cognitive distortions

Cognitive distortions are irrational thought patterns that can lead to inaccurate perceptions of reality. The video explains these distortions as part of cognitive-behavioral psychology, including polarized thinking, emotional reasoning, and overgeneralization. These distortions are linked to self-deception as they can cause individuals to misinterpret events and their own emotions, leading to self-deceptive beliefs. For instance, the script mentions emotional reasoning, where one might conclude they are stupid simply because they feel that way.

💡existential perspective

The existential perspective addresses the fundamental realities of human existence that individuals must face, such as death, ultimate aloneness, meaninglessness, and freedom. The video suggests that self-deception often serves as a means to avoid confronting these existential Givens of Life. The speaker provides examples like denying mortality by not writing a will or believing one is special and protected from harm, showing how existential fears can lead to self-deception.

💡cultural norms

Cultural norms are the shared values, beliefs, and expectations within a society or culture. The video discusses how individuals can deceive themselves by internalizing these norms and conforming to them, rather than deciding what is genuinely right for them. The speaker questions whether viewers conform to cultural expectations around appearance, weight, income, and family life, suggesting that self-deception can involve adhering to societal standards rather than personal beliefs.

💡self-awareness

Self-awareness is the ability to recognize and understand one's own emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. In the context of the video, self-awareness is presented as a critical step in overcoming self-deception. The speaker advises pausing during strong emotional reactions or inconsistencies between words and actions as a means to cultivate self-awareness. This process allows individuals to reflect on their reactions and behaviors, leading to a deeper understanding of themselves and their self-deceptive tendencies.

💡psychotherapy

Psychotherapy is a therapeutic process that involves a professional helping an individual to understand and manage their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. The video highlights psychotherapy as a beneficial means to confront self-deception. The speaker dispels common misconceptions about therapy and emphasizes its value in fostering self-awareness and personal growth. The speaker's own experience with psychotherapy is used to illustrate its potential in helping individuals face the truth about themselves and make healthier choices.

💡regret

Regret is a deep sense of sadness or disappointment over something that has happened, often because one feels it could have been prevented. The video discusses the pain of regret as a consequence of self-deception, where individuals make choices that lead to negative outcomes. The speaker shares a personal story of feeling unsafe in relationships and blaming her boyfriend, which led to regret when she realized the true source of her feelings was rooted in childhood experiences and self-deception.

💡responsibility

Responsibility refers to the state or fact of being accountable for one's actions or decisions. The video emphasizes taking responsibility as a crucial aspect of overcoming self-deception. By acknowledging one's true feelings and beliefs, individuals can make more informed choices and accept the consequences of those choices. The speaker's decision to leave academia despite having tenure exemplifies taking responsibility for one's life path and choosing to live a more fulfilling life.

Highlights

Humans are masters of self-deception, often believing in falsehoods and denying the truth.

Self-deception was a significant revelation during the speaker's graduate school years.

People lie to themselves about everyday details and aspirations, such as food intake and wine consumption.

Social ideals influence self-deception, as seen in statements about fidelity and acceptable thoughts.

Major life choices like marriage and career paths are often influenced by factors beyond love or passion.

Self-deception in romantic relationships can stem from fear, leading to anxious behaviors.

At the core, self-deception is a defense mechanism due to lack of psychological strength to face the truth.

Understanding self-deception is key to living a fulfilling life by acknowledging one's true self.

Self-deceptive tendencies begin early in life with observations and conclusions about oneself and the environment.

Childhood experiences, such as neglect or teasing, shape adult self-deception and coping mechanisms.

Psychological theories, including Freud's, explain self-deception through ego-defense mechanisms.

Cognitive distortions, like polarized thinking and overgeneralization, contribute to self-deception.

Existential psychology suggests self-deception helps avoid confronting fundamental realities of life.

Cultural norms and internalization affect self-deception by shaping beliefs and expectations.

Self-deception can lead to harmful choices and regret, impacting both the individual and others.

Self-awareness is the first step in acknowledging and confronting self-deception.

Psychotherapy can be an effective way to confront self-deception and promote personal growth.

The speaker's personal journey illustrates the courage required to confront self-deception and make life changes.

Encouraging honesty with oneself is vital for living a fulfilling life, as demonstrated by the speaker's experiences.

Transcripts

Transcriber: Adrienne Lin Reviewer: Reiko Bovee

Humans are masters of self-deception.

We fool ourselves into believing things that are false

and we refuse to believe things that are true.

I was in graduate school

when I really started delving into the topic of self-deception.

And it rocked my world.

I saw it everywhere,

in everyone.

We lie to ourselves about the smallest details,

such as how much we really ate today,

and why we didn't list our actual height and weight

on our driver's license.

(Laughter)

We lie to reflect our aspirational goals:

"I'll only have one glass of wine tonight," -

when I know I'm drinking at least three. (Laughter)

We lie to uphold social ideals:

"I never have sexual thoughts with anyone except my spouse,"

because that wouldn't be acceptable.

We lie about our most important life choices,

such as why we married who we did, or chose our given career path.

Unfortunately, for all the romantics out there,

love is rarely the full motivation for those choices.

Nowhere was self-deception more obvious than in my romantic relationships.

I was terrified of being left.

My fear of abandonment led me to act in ways

that are still hard for me to admit -

anxiously awaiting a phone call,

driving to see if he was where he said he would be,

asking repeatedly if he loved me.

At the time, I couldn't have told you any of that,

because I wouldn't have been able to admit it to myself.

At the core, we lie to ourselves

because we don't have enough psychological strength to admit the truth

and deal with the consequences that will follow.

That said, understanding our self-deception

is the most effective way to live a fulfilling life.

For when we admit who we really are,

we have the opportunity to change.

It's hard to look at this photo and think,

"Liars!"

(Laughter)

But our self-deceptive tendencies start here.

From a very early age we start observing

and making conclusions about ourselves and our environment.

Right or wrong, the conclusions we made affected our identity.

As adults, we will most want to lie about

how psychologically painful realities experienced as children

affected who we are today.

Perhaps you were raised in a single parent home,

in which you were neglected by your father.

You learned that something was wrong with you -

you weren't smart enough, attractive enough, athletic enough.

You concluded that to make people love you,

you need to be perfect.

As an adult,

when someone points out your imperfections,

you feel tremendous anxiety but deny where it comes from.

Perhaps you felt ugly as a child because you were teased for your appearance.

You learned to eat in response to emotional pain.

As an adult, you struggle to maintain a stable weight,

because your eating has very little to do with hunger.

Perhaps you watched your parents fight.

You learned to avoid conflict.

Now, you struggle to admit even feeling negative emotion.

Although each of our specific childhood learnings will be unique,

what we learned will be exemplified in the lies we tell ourselves as adults.

Psychological theories of human nature can help us understand our self-deception.

Sigmund Freud first described lying through ego-defense mechanisms:

Psychological strategies that protect our egos

- our core sense of self -

from information that would hurt us.

Denial:

Refusing to believe that something is true,

even though it is.

"I don't have a problem with alcohol," -

even though I drink everyday.

"I'm not jealous," -

even though I secretly check my partner's email.

Rationalization:

Creating a reason to excuse ourselves.

"I wouldn't have yelled at you if you hadn't treated me so unfairly,"

thereby justifying my yelling.

"I know that smoking isn't good for my health,

but it helps me relax,"

thereby justifying my smoking.

Projection:

Taking an undesirable aspect of ourselves and ascribing it to someone else.

"I'm not like that. You're like that."

When dating someone you've lost interest in,

you say things like,

"You're not ready for this relationship,"

when, in fact, you're not ready for this relationship

and never will be!

Pioneers in the cognitive-behavioral realms

describe how our thoughts deceive us

through cognitive distortions - irrational ways we think.

Polarized Thinking: Thinking in extremes.

"I will either eat no cookies or an entire box,

because if I eat one cookie,

I've already blown my diet, so I might as well keep eating."

Emotional Reasoning:

Thinking that our feelings accurately reflect reality.

"I feel hurt; so you must have done something bad to me."

"I feel stupid; consequently I am stupid."

Overgeneralization:

Taking a single negative event as an infinite spiral of defeat.

After going through a bad breakup, you think,

"I am always going to be alone."

After getting denied a promotion at work, you think,

"I am never going to be successful in my career."

From an existential perspective,

we deceive ourselves to avoid the Givens of Life -

the fundamental realities of "being human" that we must face.

Death – we’re all going to die;

Ultimate aloneness -

we were born as a single person housed in a solitary physical body;

Meaninglessness -

our lives are inherently meaningless unless we give them meaning;

and Freedom -

we are responsible for ourselves because we have the freedom of choice.

To avoid confronting these realities, we frequently lie to ourselves:

"I am this way because of my upbringing;" -

thereby deferring responsibility for my choices.

"The bad things on the news would never happen to me;" -

because I am somehow special, and uniquely protected from harm.

"I won’t write a will. I am young. I’m not going to die anyway;" -

thereby denying our mortality.

Multicultural and feminist psychologists

describe how internalization of cultural norms affect us.

Here, we deceive ourselves by believing

what we were culturally conditioned to believe is true,

instead of deciding what we actually believe is true.

Do you compromise yourself to meet cultural norms?

Do you think you need to look a certain way,

be a certain weight,

earn a certain income,

get married, have children, be religious

because you are supposed to

or because you believe that it's right for you?

All of these theories of human nature help us understand

how we deceive ourselves on a daily basis.

Why should you care?

Self-deception leads to massive amounts of pain and regret.

To avoid being honest,

we frequently make choices with harmful consequences

to ourselves and others -

we may use drugs, alcohol, eat, shop, gamble, steal, lie, leave people

or pass our emotional baggage down to those we love the most.

Or, we may choose not to change

even when we are miserable

or causing profound harm to those around us.

Looking back at life with regret is incredibly painful,

because you can’t change your choices in the past.

As I shared earlier,

I struggled greatly in my romantic relationships.

I knew that I didn't feel safe,

but I believed it was my boyfriend’s fault -

if he just called me more, told me he loved me more,

then I would feel safe.

The truth was

there was nothing he could do to make me feel safe,

because my feelings had nothing to do with him.

The reason I didn't feel safe is that I learned as a child

that people would always leave me,

and I lived my life making choices consistent with that belief.

When we don't take full responsibility for who we are,

we hurt ourselves and everyone around us.

Now what?

How do we start acknowledging the lies we tell ourselves?

How do we start becoming more honest liars?

The first step is self-awareness -

we become observers of ourselves.

When you have a strong emotional reaction to something,

pause.

When what you say doesn't match how you act,

pause.

When you’re thinking irrational thoughts,

pause.

Ask yourself:

What does this say about me?

Similarly, most of us spend a tremendous amount of energy

trying to get over someone or something that happened to us.

And we generally avoid examining our contribution to conflict in our lives.

When you are unresolved about something or someone,

pause.

Ask yourself:

What does my reaction to this situation say about me?

As we become more honest and aware,

we also become more responsible for our choices.

If we admit that we are insecure about something

- which we all are -

we're now confronted with a choice:

to work on our insecurity or not.

Whatever we decide,

we are now more responsible for the consequences of our insecurity,

because we know better.

Not changing when confronted with the truth is a choice.

Although we can’t control many circumstances we encounter in life,

we are responsible for our reactions to all of them.

In that vein, one of the best ways

to confront our self-deception

is psychotherapy.

It is probably the only relationship

that you will ever have in your entire life

that exists solely to benefit you.

Yet, a great deal of stigma exists around therapy.

People frequently say things like,

"I don't need therapy.

It’s only for crazy or weak people who can't help themselves."

The truth is, it takes tremendous courage

to be completely vulnerable to another human being.

Therapy is truly a gift if you are courageous enough to accept it.

Confronting our self-deception is a lifelong journey.

We change and the world offers us new opportunities

to understand ourselves.

There is always more to learn.

I was on the perfect path to be a successful academic.

I received tenure here at UNLV, two years ago.

And in about six weeks, I will be unemployed,

because I resigned.

Getting tenure and then quitting

is about the last thing anyone would expect from a faculty member.

Especially me. I love psychology!

I love teaching. I love research. I love my department.

I had an amazing experience at UNLV.

But the truth is, my passion isn't in academia anymore.

To admit that to myself was brutally painful!

Because I had to confront

all of my self-deceptive tendencies and insecurities.

"What if I disappoint people?

What will my family say?

What am I going to do? What if I can’t support myself?

Who am I if I am not a professor?

What if my whole life changes!?

What if my whole life doesn't change?"

If I had chosen to stay in academia,

I would have paid a huge psychological price.

I would have to admit that I was not strong enough

to make different choices for myself when confronted with the truth.

Be more honest liars.

Choose to become more honest about the lies you tell yourself.

Use the truth to live the most fulfilling life for you,

because you've only got one.

(Applause)