How to Deal with Uncertainty - Without Self-Sabotage

Summary

This script explores the human aversion to uncertainty, revealing that people experience more anxiety when faced with a 50% chance of an event than a certainty. It discusses how our brains perceive uncertainty as a threat, leading to self-sabotaging behaviors to avoid discomfort. The speaker suggests that instead of resisting uncertainty, we should embrace it as a part of life and develop resilience. Practical advice includes creating internal certainty, strengthening our sense of safety, and taking action to face uncertainty head-on, which can lead to personal growth and happiness.

Takeaways

• 🧠 Uncertainty is more anxiety-inducing than certainty of negative outcomes according to the research study mentioned.
• 🔥 Our nervous system perceives uncertainty as a potential threat, triggering anxiety and the desire to take action.
• 🤔 People often prefer certainty, even if it's negative, to avoid the discomfort of uncertainty.
• 🛑 The inability to tolerate uncertainty can lead to anxiety or depressive disorders and hinder personal growth.
• 🚫 Avoidance of uncertainty can result in self-sabotage, such as quitting endeavors before they fail or not trying at all.
• 💡 The problem isn't uncertainty itself, but our reactions to it, which can interfere with our lives.
• 🌱 Embracing uncertainty can lead to more opportunities and personal growth, contrary to the fear-driven avoidance.
• 🤝 Developing the skill to accept uncertainty can decrease depression and anxiety and promote success.
• 💪 Building internal resilience and a sense of safety can help manage feelings of uncertainty.
• 🏋️‍♀️ Practicing exposure to uncertainty through new experiences can strengthen one's ability to tolerate it.
• 📝 Redirecting focus from uncontrollable factors to controllable actions can alleviate anxiety and foster progress.

Q & A

Why do people feel more anxious with a 50% chance of getting shocked than a 100% chance, according to the research?

The research suggests that our brains perceive uncertainty as a potential threat that we might be able to do something about, which leads to an activated state of anxiety. With a 100% chance, the outcome is certain, and there's no uncertainty to provoke anxiety.

What is the common reaction to uncertainty in terms of relationship decisions?

People often prefer to end a relationship or avoid commitment to avoid the uncertainty of potential rejection or failure, which can feel safer than dealing with the discomfort of uncertainty.

How does the avoidance of uncertainty impact a person's potential in work or school?

Avoiding uncertainty can lead to missed opportunities, as individuals may not take risks or apply for jobs or educational opportunities they might not be certain about, thus not reaching their full potential.

What is the main issue with uncertainty according to the script?

The main issue is not the uncertainty itself, but the actions people take to avoid it, which can lead to self-sabotage and missed opportunities.

What is the 'space of uncertainty' mentioned in the script?

The 'space of uncertainty' refers to a mental and emotional state where one acknowledges uncertainty and remains open to possibilities without rushing to conclusions or trying to control outcomes.

How can internal beliefs help in handling uncertainty?

Internal beliefs that affirm one's ability to handle difficult situations, even if they don't go as planned, can foster a sense of internal safety and resilience, reducing the need to control or predict everything.

What is the role of 'willingness' in accepting uncertainty?

Willingness is the state of being open to and accepting of uncertainty as a part of life. It involves being willing to experience the discomfort of uncertainty in pursuit of personal growth and success.

How can practicing uncertainty help in developing the ability to tolerate it?

By repeatedly placing oneself in uncertain situations and focusing on the experience rather than the emotion, one can gradually build up the emotional capacity to handle uncertainty without resorting to self-sabotaging behaviors.

What is the locus of control exercise and how can it help with uncertainty?

The locus of control exercise involves dividing concerns into what one can and cannot control, then focusing energy on the controllable aspects. This helps in redirecting attention away from uncontrollable uncertainties and towards actionable steps.

How can taking action help in dealing with uncertainty?

Taking action, such as learning new skills or building networks, can channel anxious energy into productive activities, creating new opportunities and reducing the focus on uncertainties.

What is the final advice given in the script for dealing with uncertainty?

The final advice is to invest in life by committing to actions and decisions even when uncertain, to build up the capacity to handle tough situations, and to focus on what one can control rather than getting overwhelmed by what one cannot.

Outlines

00:00

😨 Uncertainty and Anxiety

The script begins with a thought experiment involving an electric shock device to explore the concept of uncertainty and its impact on human anxiety. It reveals that people feel more anxious when faced with a 50% chance of shock rather than a guaranteed one, highlighting our brains' aversion to uncertainty over physical pain. The narrator discusses how uncertainty activates our nervous system, leading to anxiety and the desire to take action. Examples of common situations that provoke this anxiety are given, such as relationship doubts and career choices. The script emphasizes that it's not uncertainty itself that's problematic, but our attempts to avoid it, which often leads to self-sabotage and missed opportunities.

05:02

🤔 Accepting Uncertainty

This paragraph delves into the idea that we can develop the skill to accept uncertainty and reduce self-sabotaging behaviors. It suggests that by ceasing to avoid uncertainty, we can decrease depression and anxiety and increase our chances of success. The speaker provides practical advice on how to handle uncertainty, starting with acknowledging its inevitability and accepting that we cannot control everything. The importance of creating internal certainty and building resilience is discussed, along with the idea of fostering a mindset that embraces trying new things and taking risks. The paragraph also touches on the concept of 'willingness' as a key component in tolerating uncertainty.

10:07

💪 Building Resilience and Taking Action

The final paragraph focuses on the practical steps we can take to build our capacity to handle uncertainty. It suggests engaging in activities that provoke feelings of uncertainty, such as trying new experiences, as a way to strengthen our emotional resilience. The speaker emphasizes the importance of gradual repetition and exposure to uncertainty as a means to build this 'emotional muscle.' Additionally, the paragraph advises against rumination and encourages taking action to channel anxious energy into productive activities. The speaker also recommends writing down concerns and focusing on what can be controlled, as a way to manage anxiety and uncertainty more effectively.

Keywords

💡Uncertainty

Uncertainty refers to the state of being unsure or the inability to predict what will happen. In the context of the video, it is presented as a concept that people often fear more than physical pain. The script discusses how uncertainty can provoke anxiety and lead to self-sabotaging behaviors as individuals try to avoid it. For example, the script mentions that people would rather experience pain than face the uncertainty of an electric shock.

💡Anxiety

Anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. The video script explains that people feel more anxious with uncertainty because it triggers a perceived threat that they might be able to do something about. The script uses the example of a relationship's uncertain future to illustrate how anxiety can arise from not knowing what will happen.

💡Self-sabotage

Self-sabotage is the act of deliberately causing oneself to fail or not achieve success, often as a result of fear of failure or success. The video emphasizes that people may self-sabotage to avoid the discomfort of uncertainty. For instance, the script talks about quitting a sport or not applying for a job due to the fear of not being good enough or facing rejection.

💡Internal safety

Internal safety is the sense of security and confidence that comes from within oneself, rather than relying on external circumstances. The video suggests that developing internal safety can help individuals tolerate uncertainty. It is exemplified in the script by fostering beliefs such as 'even if things don't go perfectly, I can get through it,' which helps in building resilience.

💡Willingness

Willingness refers to the state of being eager or prepared to do something, especially before knowing that it will be successful. The video script encourages viewers to practice willingness as a way to embrace uncertainty. It is illustrated through the idea of being willing to feel uncertain about a relationship or the reception of a YouTube video, with the aim of seeing where it will lead.

💡Emotional space

Emotional space is the capacity to experience and process emotions without being overwhelmed by them. The video discusses creating emotional space as a means to tolerate uncertainty and anxiety. It is exemplified by the idea of being open to feelings of uncertainty while striving for one's dreams, rather than trying to force feelings away.

💡Reassurance seeking

Reassurance seeking is the behavior of constantly looking for validation or confirmation from others to alleviate anxiety or doubt. The script mentions reassurance seeking as one of the mental strategies people use to avoid uncertainty, which can be counterproductive and lead to more anxiety.

💡Procrastination

Procrastination is the act of delaying or postponing action. In the video, it is described as an attempt to wait until all facts are known or control is achieved before making a decision, which is a way to avoid the uncertainty of outcomes. The script uses procrastination as an example of a behavior that can hinder progress due to fear of uncertainty.

💡Rumination

Rumination is the process of repeatedly thinking over the same thoughts, often negative or distressing, without resolution. The video script describes rumination as a form of self-sabotage where individuals overthink and worry in an attempt to control uncertain outcomes, which can lead to a cycle of anxiety and inaction.

💡Action

Action refers to the process of taking steps or measures to achieve a goal or to deal with a situation. The video encourages taking action as a way to combat the anxiety caused by uncertainty. It suggests channeling anxious energy into proactive behaviors like taking classes or networking to create new opportunities.

💡Locus of control

Locus of control is a psychological concept that refers to the degree to which people believe they have control over the outcome of events in their lives. The video script recommends a locus of control exercise where individuals divide their concerns into what they can and cannot control, and then focus their energy on the former to manage uncertainty effectively.

Highlights

People feel more anxious with a 50% chance of getting shocked than a 100% certainty due to the brain's aversion to uncertainty.

Uncertainty activates our nervous system, leading to anxiety as it perceives potential threats we might be able to prevent.

Many people prefer pain to uncertainty, leading to decisions like breaking up relationships or not applying for jobs to avoid the discomfort of uncertainty.

Intolerance of uncertainty can lead to anxiety or depressive disorders and hinder personal growth in relationships and career.

Attempting to avoid uncertainty often leads to self-sabotage, such as quitting sports or not pursuing romantic interests due to fear of failure.

Our nervous system prefers a familiar situation, even if negative, over an uncertain but potentially positive one.

Mental strategies like expecting the worst or ruminating over scenarios are attempts to control uncertainty but can limit opportunities.

Reassurance seeking, micromanaging, and procrastination are behaviors used to avoid uncertainty.

The problem is not uncertainty itself, but the behaviors we adopt to avoid it, which can cause distress.

Accepting uncertainty and creating space for it can decrease depression and anxiety and lead to more success.

Internal certainty around uncertainty can be developed by acknowledging life's inherent uncertainty and its role in a quality life.

Strengthening internal safety involves building resilience and fostering beliefs that one can handle uncertainty.

Willingness to feel uncertain is a skill that can be developed through practice and exposure to uncertain situations.

Taking action and investing in life, even when uncertain, can lead to better outcomes and happiness.

Writing down concerns and focusing on what can be controlled can help manage uncertainty and channel energy into productive actions.

Building capacity to handle uncertainty leads to better choices, healthier relationships, and an overall happier life.

Transcripts

Imagine this: you are wired to an  electric shock device. And which one  

would make you more anxious? You get told  there is a 50% chance of getting shocked,  

or you get told that you're going to get  shocked no matter what. Researchers found  

that participants felt far more anxious if  they were told that there was a 50% chance  

of getting shocked than the participants  who were told that there was a 100% chance  

of getting shocked. Our brains hate uncertainty  more than physical pain. So what's up with that?

[Music]

When we aren't certain what will happen, our  nervous system perceives that uncertainty as a  

potential threat that we could maybe do something  about. So it's like, "Oh, something bad might happen,"  

so it kicks on this activated state trying to  spur us into some action to prevent bad things  

from happen. And this feels like uncomfortable  anxiety sensations. Now, most of us feel really  

uncomfortable with uncertainty. So for example,  how do you feel in these situations? Will this  

relationship work out, or should I leave before I  get hurt? This world feels out of control. Should  

I bother with a college degree? Should I invest  money in the stock market? Should I buy a house?  

Or how about this: should I apply for that job if  I might not be qualified and I get rejected? Now,  

just like those real people in the research study -  because uncertainty is so anxiety-provoking - a lot  

of people would rather have pain than uncertainty.  So they break up with their girlfriend or they  

quit college or they don't apply for the job  because that feels safer than the uncertainty  

does. Now, most people don't like uncertainty,  but the people who can't tolerate uncertainty  

the most are more likely to experience anxiety  or depressive disorders. They're more likely to  

struggle in relationships and not reach their  potential in work or school. But here's the  

thing: it's not actually uncertainty that's the  problem; it's our attempts to avoid uncertainty  

that usually interfere with our lives. We love  certainty to such an extreme degree that we  

often self-sabotage instead of tolerating  the uncertainty. We would rather fail than  

risk success because risking success comes with  uncomfortable feelings of anxiety. So we quit a  

sport if we're not sure if we'll be good at it, or  you never ask her out because you're uncertain if  

she'll say yes, or you break up with him before he  breaks up with you. If we're afraid of being fired,  

we quit or we don't give our best efforts so we  don't feel invested. Um and then we can just tell  

ourselves, "Oh, well, you know, I never really liked  that job anyway." Right? We never really commit in  

an attempt to protect ourselves from feeling  hurt later. But by never committing we remove  

the uncertainty of success and we guarantee the  certainty of failure. Our nervous system prefers  

a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven. And  we are all experts at doing mental gymnastics  

to try and prevent disappointment and uncertainty.  So have you ever said anything like this, you know,  

"I'd rather expect the worst and have something  good happen than expect the best or hope for the  

best and be disappointed." This is an attempt to  control uncertainty, but it also shuts down our  

options. If we expect the worst we will miss out  on a lot of opportunities, like asking that girl  

out or putting our our whole heart into a tryout  or giving our all in a relationship or in our  

job. And there's like a bunch of other mental backbends  we do um if the future is uncertain. We might  

worry and overthink in an attempt to control  the outcome. We ruminate and run through all  

the possible scenarios trying to force certainty  onto an uncertain world. We're trying to control  

and suppress our emotions of sadness or regret by  endlessly thinking through scenarios. And we worry  

and worry and procrastinate so much that we fill  our present with anxiety. And if we never commit  

to an uncertain course we eventually sabotage  our future too. So let's talk about other forms  

of self-sabotaging, uncertainty-avoiding things  that we do. So the first one: reassurance seeking,  

um micromanaging, over-checking, procrastinating. Like  procrastinating is an attempt to wait to make a  

decision until you have all the facts or you have  all the control that you need. Um it's like saying,  

"Oh, I'm not going to try until I know for sure  that there's going to be a payout." So these are  

all like a bunch of weird mental strategies we use  to avoid uncertainty. But the thing is, uncertainty  

was never the problem. It's all the stuff that  we do to try to make uncertainty go away. That's  

that's what makes us sick. So just go ahead and  comment below: what are some of the things you do  

to avoid uncertainty? And what have you missed out  on in an attempt to kind of protect yourself from  

being hurt? Now, the cool thing is you can develop  the skill of accepting uncertainty, of creating  

space for it in your life so that you stop  self-sabotaging. And this - like when we stop doing  

all these mental backbends to avoid uncertainty,  it actually can decrease your depression and  

anxiety and lead to you taking risks that actually  lead to more success. So how do we do it on a  

practical level? How do we get better at handling  uncertainty? You can create internal certainty  

around uncertainty by, number one, like just being  honest. Life is uncertain, and you are certain there  

is nothing you can do about that. Uncertainty  is part of living a quality life. Uncertainty  

is part of loving, caring, striving, competing, uh  trying. It's it's an essential part of the best  

sports or the most exciting games. Uncertainty  is essential to creativity, to relationships, to  

productivity, uh not to mention the best hobbies,  like rock climbing and gardening. And I say that  

because I'm never certain if what I plant is  going to grow. So so stop resisting reality and  

stop trying to force your feelings to go away. And  instead, let's create room to hold those feelings  

while we strive for the life that that we dream  of. Um I recently read an example of this in in the  

New York Times. So this woman said um, "A close  friend's daughter was getting married during  

the pandemic. 'We can't invite our friends to the  wedding in order to keep it small and safe,' my pal  

told me. But she did invite friends, I learned from  a Facebook post. Just not me. Feeling humiliated,  

I initially kept quiet. But being together grew  awkward, and I sensed a growing distance. And when  

I tried to discuss the widening rift, she called  a pause in our relations by text and stopped  

reaching out for a year. My first thought was to  consider the friendship ended. Something in her  

tone felt so final like a breakup, case closed. But  after a time I asked myself if I really knew what  

had happened and what she had meant by excluding  me. Perhaps there was more to the story. Despite my  

hurt I tried to keep the problem and my own mind  open. I discovered what Rebecca Solnit calls 'the  

spaciousness of uncertainty,' a realm of possibility.  When at last my friend broke her silence by text I  

was ready to reconnect and move forward, even if  I couldn't get an answer to all of my questions.  

Meeting her rejection with sureness gave me  perspective and courage not to shun her in  

turn. In our craving for certainty we often cut  off the things we actually care about. It would  

have been easier for this woman mentally to just  break up with her friend than to hold that space  

for uncertainty, but she would have lost that  friendship forever. In order to live a happy  

life we have to stop trying to create a sense  of safety that demands on controlling outside  

circumstances or controlling them mentally, right,  cutting ourself off from them. And instead we need  

to do step two, which is strengthen our internal  sense of safety. So if uncertainty is perceived  

danger, the antidote is internal safety. Remind  yourself that you can handle having feelings. You  

get really good at having feelings. So instead of  putting all your energy into resisting uncertainty,  

put your energy into building internal resilience.  So let's say, for example, if you're uncertain about  

an upcoming trip, if you're anxious about it, if  you're worried that it's going to be a stressful  

disaster, after a reasonable amount of planning,  stop trying to predict everything. Stop trying to  

control everything to make sure that it goes  perfectly. Instead you could foster internal  

beliefs like, "Oh, even if things don't go perfectly  I can get through it. It's only a couple days. It  

might be uncomfortable, but it won't be the end of  the world. And and these internal beliefs build up  

your sense of safety. And that's going to keep you  from just endlessly trying to control and predict  

everything. To build up your sense of safety adopt  a mindset that like, "Oh, trying new things and doing  

stuff that's hard and taking risk is good for you."  So what you're doing is you're creating emotional  

space to feel uncertain. And another word for  this is willingness. Like I'm willing to feel  

uncertain about this relationship in order  to see where it will go. I'm willing to feel  

unsure about whether YouTube will like my video,  but I'll make it anyway. This is a skill you can  

develop with practice. Your ability to tolerate  uncertainty without self-sabotaging is a muscle  

that you can develop. You strengthen it through  practice. So do things that make you feel uncertain.  

Order something new at a restaurant or go to a  completely unknown restaurant. You can practice  

tolerating uncertainty by trying a new class or  traveling somewhere you've never been before or  

delegating a task to others without micromanaging  them. Uh you could try an activity that you've been  

avoiding, like karaoke or dancing or improv.  Uh you could talk to someone you don't know or  

go hang out with a group of people you don't know.  Uh wear a type of clothing that you don't normally  

wear. And as you do these things, don't focus on the  emotion because you're probably going to feel some  

discomfort. Focus instead on the experience. Did  you learn something new? What did this experiment  

do for your confidence, right? Like what did you  learn from this? Did you strengthen your sense of  

self? With all forms of exposure therapy, gradual  repetition is the key to real success. So just  

keep putting yourself in uncertain situations  over and over, and practice like creating more  

emotional space to handle that anxiety instead of  trying to control and manage and predict and cut  

yourself off from failure. And the more you do this,  the better you'll get at it. Like that emotional  

muscle will get stronger. You are worth investing  time and energy in building up your capacity to  

handle tough stuff. And if you'd like to work with  a therapist to build up those skills at facing  

uncertainty, um may I recommend BetterHelp. Uh  BetterHelp is an online therapy provider. They'll  

connect you with a licensed professional therapist  from the comfort of your own home. Uh you can meet  

with them on your phone or on your computer, and  they'll help you find healthier ways to manage  

all of the big uncertainties that come with  life. So for 10% off your first month, check out  

the link in the description. Okay. Step three: stop  ruminating and take some dang action. Our brains  

are so big. They are our best defense mechanism. But  they get in the way when we constantly analyze and  

overthink and ruminate over every problem or  every possible situation. So if you're not sure  

about your future in the job market, channel that  anxious energy into taking some classes or getting  

certified in something new. Channel the emotionally  activated energy of anxiety toward movement. So you  

take some action. You create some new opportunities.  And and I'm not saying like frantically run amok.  

I'm saying like intentionally say, "Oh, I feel  nervous about my prospects at this job. Okay.  

I'm going to make some new network connections.  I'm going to, you know, build up some new skills,  

get some new certificates." If you want to be happy  you have to be willing to invest in life. You have  

to be willing to commit, even when you're not  certain. Life is uncertain. You can choose to  

struggle against that and self-sabotage in order  to create a sense of certainty, or you can go out  

and plant the tree. Even if you won't be there to  watch it grow up, you're still making the world  

a better place. So um on a practical level, what  do we do? Um it can be really helpful to write  

these things down. You can start with the locus of  control exercise, which I talk about all the time.  

You take a piece of paper, you draw a line down  the middle, you divide it into two sides: what can't  

I control? What can I control? And then you ask  yourself, "What do I really care about? What good  

can I do? How can I educate myself?" And you just  spend less time on the things you can't control  

and more energy on the things you can control. Um I  would also say like watch less media about things  

that are far from you. When you get caught up in  the things that you can't control, just write them  

down and then redirect your attention to what  you can control, and then take some dang action.  

Now, this is a skill you can get good at. Like, you  got this. As you build your capacity to handle  

uncertainty you're going to make better choices  that lead to better outcomes. You'll stop blowing  

up relationships. You'll stop self-sabotaging,  and you'll be more willing to take risks with  

rewards. And in the long run you'll be healthier  and happier. K. If you'd like to learn more skills  

for working through big uncomfortable emotions in  a healthy way, check out my online course How to  

Process Emotions. The link is in the description  below. Okay. Thank you for watching, and take care.

[Music]