You’re Not Lazy : How To Force Your Brain To Crave Doing Hard Things

Summary

The speaker discusses the challenges of maintaining a healthy lifestyle and the struggle with binge eating and body dysmorphia. They delve into the concept of delayed gratification, referencing the marshmallow test and its implications on self-control and success in life. The importance of the prefrontal cortex in self-control is highlighted, and the development of the 'cool system' in the brain is explained. The speaker shares personal strategies for improving self-control, such as creating 'if-then' systems and using mindfulness and meditation to enhance the prefrontal cortex's function. They emphasize the value of delayed gratification in personal growth and suggest that while it's a difficult journey, it's essential for a fulfilling life. The summary concludes with encouragement and a reminder to be kind to oneself during the process of self-improvement.

Takeaways

• 💪 Developing self-control and delaying gratification is not about lack of motivation or willpower, but rather mastering a skill that can be learned.
• 🍭 The Marshmallow Test demonstrates that children who can delay gratification tend to be more successful in life, with better focus, planning, and personal relationships.
• 🧠 Activation in the prefrontal cortex is linked to self-control, which is crucial for delaying gratification and making decisions.
• 🤯 The 'hot' system (limbic system) reacts instantly to stimuli, while the 'cool' system (prefrontal cortex) is responsible for self-control and planning.
• 👶 The cool system develops throughout childhood, which is why young children struggle with resisting immediate gratification.
• 🚀 As we age, our self-control improves, and everyone has the potential to enhance their self-control through life experiences.
• 🤝 Practicing delayed gratification can lead to better communication and conflict resolution by choosing constructive solutions over immediate emotional reactions.
• 📺 Instead of indulging in instant pleasures like binge-watching or mindless scrolling, invest time in activities that advance personal and professional growth.
• 🧘‍♂️ Meditation and mindfulness practices, such as those guided by the Headspace app, can help activate the prefrontal cortex and improve self-control.
• 📝 Keeping a journal or noting down impulsive behaviors can raise awareness and help identify patterns that need to be changed.
• 🔄 Creating 'if-then' systems can help improve self-control by establishing rules that trigger specific, planned actions in response to certain situations.

Q & A

What is the main challenge the speaker has been facing for the past 5 to 6 years?

The speaker has been struggling with binge eating and body dysmorphia, and has found it difficult to maintain a healthy relationship with their body and food.

What is the 'marshmallow test' and what does it measure?

The 'marshmallow test' is a psychological experiment where children are given a choice between having one marshmallow immediately or waiting to receive two marshmallows later. It measures their ability to delay instant gratification.

What did follow-up studies on the marshmallow test reveal about the children who waited longer?

The follow-up studies found that children who managed to wait longer were more successful in life, better at focusing and planning, scored higher on their SATs, and were better at maintaining personal relationships.

What are the two systems in our body that control self-control?

The two systems are the 'hot system' (limbic system), which instantly reacts to our environment and regulates our emotions and basic biological needs, and the 'cool system' (located in the prefrontal cortex), which is responsible for self-control, decision-making, and planning.

How does the cool system develop over time?

The cool system develops throughout childhood, which is why young children find it more difficult to resist immediate gratification. As we age, we gain more self-control.

What is the significance of delayed gratification in achieving a happy and fulfilling life?

Delayed gratification is crucial for a happy and fulfilling life as it helps us resist immediate emotions and impulses, allowing us to make better decisions, plan effectively, and invest time in activities that advance our personal and professional growth.

How can creating 'if-then' systems help improve self-control?

Creating 'if-then' systems involves setting up rules where a specific action is taken when a certain situation occurs. This helps improve self-control by providing a structured response to triggers, making it easier to resist impulsive reactions.

What role does meditation play in enhancing self-control?

Meditation, particularly through apps like Headspace, helps activate the prefrontal cortex, which controls self-control. It increases awareness of one's actions, helps understand impulses better, and can strengthen self-control over time.

How does the if-then system eventually lead to the formation of habits?

The if-then system eventually leads to habits as the behaviors become automatic. Once a behavior is repeated enough times with the if-then rule, the brain starts to perform the action without needing to consciously think about it.

What is the importance of being mindful and self-analytical in self-improvement?

Being mindful and self-analytical is important in self-improvement as it allows individuals to identify patterns, triggers, and impulsive reactions. This understanding helps create effective if-then plans and prevents undesired behaviors from occurring.

How should one approach failure in the journey of self-improvement?

One should approach failure with kindness towards oneself, recognizing that failure is a part of the journey. It's important to learn from mistakes and continue to create if-then systems to prevent the same failures from happening in the future.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 Understanding Self-Control and the Marshmallow Test

The first paragraph discusses the struggle with self-improvement habits such as gym attendance, healthy eating, and reducing alcohol consumption. It highlights the challenge of overcoming binge eating and body dysmorphia. The speaker introduces the marshmallow test, a study that measures the ability to delay gratification by choosing between one marshmallow now or two later. The test's long-term follow-ups reveal that children who wait longer tend to be more successful in life, with better focus, planning, and personal relationships. The speaker explains the dual systems in our brains that control self-control: the 'hot' system, which reacts instantly to stimuli, and the 'cool' system, located in the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for self-control and decision-making. The paragraph emphasizes that self-control is not just about willpower but a skill that can be learned and improved over time.

05:02

📝 Developing Self-Control Through 'If-Then' Systems

The second paragraph delves into strategies for improving self-control by identifying triggers for impulsive behavior and creating 'if-then' plans. The speaker shares personal tactics such as noting down actions that are out of line with one's goals to raise awareness and identify patterns. The use of the meditation app Headspace is mentioned as a tool for mindfulness and self-control, particularly beneficial for individuals with ADHD. The paragraph explains that meditation can activate the prefrontal cortex, enhancing self-control. The 'if-then' system is illustrated with examples, emphasizing that over time, these behaviors can become habits. The speaker also discusses the importance of recognizing when self-control is most needed and creating plans to deal with stress-induced impulses, such as going to the gym to combat the desire to drink alcohol.

10:04

🧘‍♀️ The Role of Mindfulness in Self-Improvement

The third paragraph emphasizes the importance of mindfulness in the journey of self-improvement. It suggests that being mindful through various practices like meditation, journaling, yoga, or even silent walks can help individuals observe their reactions and surroundings without judgment. The speaker acknowledges the difficulty and pain of change and encourages self-compassion, viewing failure as part of the learning process. The paragraph concludes with a message of support and encouragement for the audience's success in their self-improvement endeavors.

Keywords

💡Self-Control

Self-Control refers to the ability to regulate one's thoughts, emotions, and actions to achieve long-term goals despite immediate temptations or distractions. In the video, it is a central theme, as the speaker discusses the importance of self-control in leading a healthy and fulfilling life. The speaker uses the example of resisting the urge to binge-watch Netflix or eat chocolate to illustrate the practice of self-control.

💡Marshmallow Test

The Marshmallow Test is a psychological experiment that measures a child's ability to delay gratification by choosing between receiving one marshmallow immediately or waiting to receive two marshmallows later. The video highlights the test as a metaphor for self-control and its long-term benefits, such as higher SAT scores and better personal relationships, as mentioned in the follow-up studies.

💡Prefrontal Cortex

The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain responsible for higher cognitive functions like decision-making, planning, and self-control. The video explains that increased activation in the prefrontal cortex is associated with better self-control and delaying gratification, as demonstrated in the Marshmallow Test. The speaker also mentions that individuals with ADHD often have lower activation in this area, which can affect their self-control.

💡Hot and Cool Systems

The video describes two systems in the brain that influence self-control: the 'hot' system, which reacts instantly to the environment and is associated with emotions and basic needs, and the 'cool' system, located in the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for self-control and planning. The hot system is functional from birth, while the cool system develops throughout childhood, explaining why children have difficulty resisting immediate gratification.

💡Delayed Gratification

Delayed Gratification is the act of postponing immediate rewards in favor of achieving long-term goals or a higher value outcome. The video emphasizes that delayed gratification is a learned behavior that can lead to a happier and more fulfilling life. The speaker provides examples such as choosing to communicate constructively instead of giving in to anger or investing time in personal development rather than mindlessly scrolling through social media.

💡If-Then Systems

If-Then Systems are a strategy for improving self-control by creating rules that link specific situations ('if') to predetermined actions ('then'). The video suggests that by identifying triggers for impulsive behavior and setting up corresponding actions, individuals can practice delayed gratification and eventually form good habits. An example given is that if the speaker feels the urge to binge-watch shows, they will do so while walking on a treadmill at the gym.

💡Mindfulness and Meditation

Mindfulness and meditation are practices that help increase self-awareness and activate the prefrontal cortex, which can enhance self-control. The video discusses how meditation has been beneficial for the speaker, particularly in managing ADHD symptoms. The speaker recommends using the Headspace app, which guides users through mindfulness and meditation exercises, to strengthen self-control and improve the ability to delay gratification.

💡ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder)

ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder characterized by difficulties with sustained attention, impulsivity, and hyperactivity. The video mentions that individuals with ADHD often have lower activation in their prefrontal cortex, which can impair their self-control. The speaker, who has ADHD, discusses how meditation and the practice of delayed gratification have helped manage their condition.

💡Habit Formation

Habit Formation is the process of creating a routine or behavior that becomes automatic through repetition. The video discusses how if-then systems can lead to the formation of good habits, which can replace bad ones. The speaker illustrates this with the example of brushing teeth before bed, which becomes an automatic behavior over time.

💡Stress Management

Stress Management involves strategies to cope with and reduce the adverse effects of stress. The video highlights that stress can lead to impulsive behaviors, such as increased alcohol consumption. The speaker shares a personal if-then plan where they go to the gym when feeling stressed, which helps in practicing delayed gratification and managing stress.

💡Journaling

Journaling is the practice of regularly recording one's thoughts, feelings, and experiences in writing. In the video, the speaker uses journaling as a method to increase self-awareness and identify patterns of impulsive behavior. By noting down actions they know they shouldn't be doing, such as aimless social media scrolling, the speaker gains insights into their habits and can work on creating if-then systems to improve self-control.

Highlights

The struggle with maintaining healthy habits like gym attendance, eating healthily, and reducing alcohol consumption is common and can be challenging for many years.

Binge eating and body dysmorphia are serious issues that can make having a healthy relationship with one's body and food seem impossible.

Success in self-control is not just about motivation or willpower, but also about mastering a skill that can be learned by doing hard work without relying on motivation.

The Marshmallow Test is a significant study that measures a child's ability to delay gratification, which is linked to later success in life.

Children who waited longer in the Marshmallow Test were found to be more successful, with better focus, planning, higher SAT scores, and better personal relationships.

Brain scans of participants who excelled in the Marshmallow Test showed more activation in the prefrontal cortex, which is linked to self-control.

Self-control depends on two systems in the body: the 'hot' system, which reacts instantly to the environment, and the 'cool' system, which controls behavior, emotions, and biological needs.

The 'cool' system, located in the prefrontal cortex, is essential for decision-making, planning, and self-control, and is less active in people with ADHD.

The 'cool' system develops throughout childhood, which explains why young children have difficulty resisting immediate gratification.

Self-control can improve over time as life experiences constantly remodel who we are, and it can also decrease, which is important to be aware of.

Delayed gratification is a critical skill for a happy and fulfilling life, as it helps in managing immediate emotions and finding constructive solutions.

Creating 'if-then' systems can improve self-control by establishing easy-to-follow rules that trigger specific actions in response to certain situations.

Identifying impulsive reactions and 'hot spots' that trigger them is a crucial first step in creating an effective if-then plan.

Keeping a journal or taking notes on actions that are done impulsively raises awareness and helps in recognizing patterns that need to be changed.

Meditation and mindfulness, such as those guided by the Headspace app, can activate the prefrontal cortex and strengthen self-control, which is particularly beneficial for individuals with ADHD.

The if-then system eventually leads to habits that are automatic and no longer require conscious effort to maintain.

Analyzing personal patterns, such as increased anger or stress, and creating if-then plans for these situations can lead to better self-control and healthier coping mechanisms.

Being mindful and practicing activities like meditation, journaling, or yoga can help in understanding impulses better and identifying patterns to create effective if-then systems.

Allowing oneself to fail and learning from mistakes is an important part of the journey towards self-improvement and better self-control.

Transcripts

I found myself struggling to stick with

the gym eat healthy or reduce my alcohol

consumption even though I know it's good

for me and probably what I'm supposed to

be doing for the last 5 to 6 years I

struggled with binge eating and body

dysmorphia quite a lot and no matter

what method I would give it a try having

a healthy relationship with my body and

with food seemed like impossible but

over the years I've learned that it's

not about lack of motivation or

willpower even though a lot of people

say that way it's about mastering a

skill we all can learn doing the hard

work without relying on motivation when

I started to dig deeper into how we can

control ourselves I've stumbled upon a

book called the marshmallow test it's

basically about a study where they gave

children a choice to either consume one

marshmallow immediately or wait and

receive two marshmallow later to measure

their ability to delay instant

gratification AKA doing the hard work I

probably would fail you might think that

the test was a simple psychological

experiment but in follow-up studies they

found that the children who managed to

wait longer were assessed as being more

successful in life so they were better

at focusing planning and also they

scored higher on their SATs and also

were better at maintaining personal

relationships they also scanned the

participants brains and they found that

those who excelled in the marshmallow

test so those who waited had much more

activation in their prefrontal cortex

the front part of their brain so what

does it mean how does the activation in

our prefrontal cortex relates to delink

gratification I know it sounds

complicated but let me explain our

self-control depends on two systems that

are functioning in our body one that

instantly reacts to our environment and

one that controls our Behavior our

emotions and basic biological needs are

regulated by our lmic system also called

the hot system so the hot system

immediately reacts to any arousing

stimuli so let's say when child sees a

marshmallow his hot system makes him

want to eat it right away instead of

patiently waiting for more on the other

hand we also have a cool system so it's

located in our prefrontal cortex so in

the front part of our brain and it's the

part of our brain that's responsible for

self-control now it start to make a lot

of sense the cool system is essential

for making decisions for planning or

anything you know making decisions and

planning ahead etc etc so when we need

to control ourselves our cool system is

active and people with ADHD like me has

lower activation in their prefrontal

cortex which means that their ability to

control themselves is L I don't know why

I'm so hyped up about it like it's like

one of the things that ruins my life but

anyway Although our hot system is

functional straight from birth the cool

system develops throughout childhood so

this is why it's much more difficult for

young children to resist any immediate

gratification so if you have a kid and

if they can't resist you anything don't

be mad at them okay they don't have the

cool system yet be patient as we get

older we gain more self-control so

everyone has the ability to improve

their self-control which is a good news

because our life experiences are

constantly remodeling who we are this

also means your self-control can also

decrease too so the Ling gratification

is one of the most important skills in

my life in my opinion if you want to

have a happy fulfilling life okay let me

explain why let's say you're super angry

like to someone you love and you want to

argue with them you want to shout at

them or something but instead of giving

into these immediate emotions you could

choose to use your communication skills

to find a constructive solution like you

can take a step back you can think about

the situation and rather than shouting

them you can come up with a resp

response that builds rather than breaks

I'm quite sure that you also had an

experience of saying things that you

regret while you were angry right I mean

I do but if we practice delayed

gratification we decrease the chance of

losing to our anger another example can

be binge watching Netflix or endly

scrolling through social media like

looking at Kardashians or something it's

easy it's comfortable but is it really

serving us no instead we could use our

time to gain skills or knowledge that

will advance our career and life turning

that time into a personal invest one of

my all-time favorite quotes goes we must

all suffer from one of two pains the

pain of discipline or the pain of regret

the difference is discipline weights

ounces while regret weights

tons isn't it cool so can delayed

gratification and self-control can be

learned if so how the great news is even

though some people have better impulse

control I don't it's proven that

delaying gratification is a learned

behavior a behavior that I couldn't

learn one of the ways to practice

delayed Gra navigation is creating if

then systems it's basically a way to

improve self-control by creating easy to

follow rules you make a rule where if

certain thing happens then you do a

specific action for example if I want to

binge watch Netflix shows I will do it

at the gym while walking on a treadmill

or let's say I feel like eating a

chocolate I will go to the supermarket

by walk and get one I want store it at

home I'm not saying that quit chocolate

but if you want to do that then you will

go to the supermarket so the first step

in creating an if then plan is to

identify the hot spots that trigger the

impulsive reactions you want to control

let's say you've been struggling to quit

drinking every night you can a rule if

you want to drink alcohol you will wait

15 minutes and then decide whether you

still want to want it the hard part is

identifying these impulsive reactions

can be quite difficult since most of us

live on autopilot like I don't even

remember what I did yesterday and one of

the practices I've been doing is jotting

down simply whenever I'm doing something

I shouldn't be doing for example I use

like my iPad menu quite often for that

or just simply writing on my journal or

just taking a note on my phone if I'm

doing something that I should have been

doing scrolling on social media I just

take a note saying that I'm scrolling on

social media even though I shouldn't be

doing it the more you write the more you

will realize on the areas you struggle

and it raises the awareness towards your

actions because then you will be able to

see how many times what kind of an

action you've been doing even though you

don't actually want it right like I've

seen myself writing so many times

scrolling on social media without any

purpose I have to mention another thing

that has been really helping me head

space okay so now I know what you're

thinking right oh here comes the

sponsored part secure the bag but the

truth is I genuinely believe in the

impact it has had on me because heads

space is an app that guides you through

mindfulness and meditation so if you

don't know meditation is clinically

proven that it helps with activating the

prefrontal cortex so the part that

controls our self-control and since I

have ADHD and my prefontal cortex is

quite weak actually doing meditation is

one of the things that is quite

recommended for people with ADHD to

strengthen that power and control ADHD

more it doesn't mean your ADHD goes goes

away if you meditate every single day

like for hours but it really helps with

it so like meditation helps me quite a

lot with understanding my impulses

better and it makes me more aware of my

actions which helps me to identify the

patterns that happens to me so that I

can create these if and systems to help

those preventing happening in the future

it's also like having a mindfulness

coach right like whatever that means and

meditation you know with heads space

helps you get on backtrack when your

mind starts to wander which happens to

me every single time even right now and

also it's not about doing it perfectly

everyone has their own preferred way of

meditating for example I meditate on bed

you know different routines frequencies

or types of content and that's the

beauty of it and you can find those on

heads

space so just taking a moment to make

sure you are

comfortable so headspace allows you to

personalize your mindfulness Journey so

if you have been wanting to try

meditation but not sure where to start

heads space is giving a 60-day free

trial no strings attached you can find

the link in description or scan the QR

code on screen if you haven't give

meditation a try I'm telling you you're

missing out because it's actually really

good so the great thing about the if

then system is eventually you won't need

those rules anymore because the behavior

will become a habit of yours and you

will do it automatically when we think

that way actually habits are quite scary

because once it's become a habit of

yours you don't even realize that you're

doing that thing so rather than like

going to downfall and down downward

spiral of bad habits we can use it to

create good habits so that we do things

that will be grateful in the future and

also if then plans work not only when

the signal comes from an outside let's

say like an alarm walking into bar but

also inside feelings like Cravings

boredom anxiety or anger this technique

helps make good habits automatic after a

while and for example brushing your

teeth is also an actual if then system

you know if I decide to sleep then I

will brush my teeth and I hope you're

doing that the same thing and eventually

you won't need those rules for yourself

anymore as the behavior will become

automatic like I don't even think I

don't even think about brushing my teeth

before I go to bed and another important

strategy is to identify when exactly you

need to exercise more self-control for

that you need to analyze yourself

whenever you're stressed for example you

might get more Angry so Analyze That

pattern and decide what you would do for

example whenever I'm stressed right like

whenever I have deadlines and projects

that I need need to make sure I get them

done on time I get really stressed and I

find myself drinking a lot of alcohol so

one of the if then plans that I made for

myself is to go to the gym whenever I'm

feeling stress and then drink if I want

to still drink after my gym session and

most of the time I realized that I

actually don't want to drink anymore

right like in my brain that was a kind

of like a coping mechanism for me but

because I created this if then system

whenever I'm now stressed then I go and

get a good workout session done and that

really helped me to practice delay

gratification because rather than

getting that dopamine Rush from an

alcohol now I get that dopamine from

working out and I practice the light

gratification and also working out helps

with developing your prefrontal cortex

too and let's say you eat a lot when

you're upset or stressed right in that

case you could make a plan if I feel

upset and I want to eat a lot then I

will make myself a cup of herb tea

Journal maybe some meditation and maybe

take a quick nap or go for a walk

identifying these are quite hard and

that's why most of us struggle in my

opinion and the more I delve into

self-improvement the more I realize The

Importance of Being mindful with

ourselves whether you pick meditating

journaling yoga or even going for a

silent Walk Alone the important point is

allowing yourself to fail and just

observe what's happening around you and

how you're reacting because changing is

difficult and it's also really painful

I'm sure you're experiencing a lot of

stress and there are a lot of issues in

your life that you need to figure out

but just don't forget to be kind

yourself because failure is a part of

Journey I forget to be kind to myself

too but we need to make sure to learn

from our mistakes and try to create if

then systems to prevent them from

happening it won't be easy for sure but

good things are never easy right I'm

here for you and I'm rooting for your

success see you soon