The undeniable link between trauma and clutter

Summary

In this insightful video transcript, decluttering coach Selena Jones discusses the profound link between trauma and clutter. Selena, who is also a grief and trauma therapist, explains how unresolved grief or trauma can manifest as clutter in one's living space. She emphasizes the importance of not seeking external validation for one's feelings towards personal items, often referred to as 'stuff' in the discussion to reduce emotional attachment. Selena provides strategies to tackle clutter, such as focusing on small, manageable tasks, honoring one's emotions, and shifting the energy of one's space. She also addresses the challenge of letting go of items that hold sentimental value, especially those related to deceased loved ones, and reassures viewers that letting go does not erase the memories or emotional bonds associated with these items. The conversation is a powerful reminder of the therapeutic potential of decluttering and the significance of self-compassion and self-worth in the process.

Takeaways

• 🌟 The trauma link to clutter is a real issue, and addressing it can be beneficial for those who have experienced grief or trauma.
• 🧐 It's important to not seek external validation for the difficulty one experiences with clutter; personal feelings are valid regardless of others' opinions.
• 📦 Selena, a decluttering coach and grief/trauma therapist, emphasizes that clutter can symbolize unresolved emotions and that dealing with it can lead to positive change.
• 🔄 The process of decluttering should be approached in small, manageable steps to avoid becoming overwhelmed.
• 🧘‍♀️ Honoring one's emotions is crucial during the decluttering process, and it's okay to feel a range of emotions without judgment.
• 🏃‍♀️ Physical movement can help manage big feelings that arise during decluttering, providing a healthy outlet for anxiety or stress.
• 📝 Writing can be a therapeutic tool for processing emotions, allowing individuals to externalize their feelings and gain perspective.
• 💪 Positive self-talk is essential; it's important to avoid negative internal dialogue and instead focus on encouragement and understanding.
• 👵 Handling inherited items with care involves considering their emotional weight and whether they truly hold significance to the individual.
• 🌱 The concept of the 'next right thing' is introduced as a method for tackling overwhelming tasks by focusing on the immediate, achievable action.
• 💌 Letting go of items, even those with sentimental value, does not diminish the memory or love for the person associated with them and can be a part of the healing process.

Q & A

Who is the decluttering coach featured in the video?

The decluttering coach featured in the video is Selena Jones.

What is the main topic of Selena's discussion?

Selena discusses the trauma link to clutter and how grief or trauma can manifest as clutter.

Why does Selena refer to clutter as 'stuff'?

Selena refers to clutter as 'stuff' to remove the emotional attachment and expectation, making it easier to part with.

What are two common reasons people actively avoid dealing with clutter?

People often avoid dealing with clutter due to anxiety or feeling overwhelmed.

What analogy does Selena use to explain how emotions can build up if not dealt with?

Selena uses the Pillsbury dough analogy, where not dealing with emotions is like leaving a dough canister on the counter, which eventually explodes, creating a mess.

What does Selena suggest doing when feeling overwhelmed by clutter?

Selena suggests keeping the task small and focused, such as dealing with one box at a time and moving to a safe space to sort through it.

How can repetitive motion help in processing emotions?

Repetitive motion, like walking or knitting, can help calm the brain by mimicking the soothing rhythms experienced in utero or when being comforted as a baby.

What should one do with emotions that arise during decluttering?

One should acknowledge and honor the emotions, possibly through activities like stream-of-consciousness writing or physical movement.

How does clutter impact one's mental health according to Selena?

Clutter can create external chaos that mirrors internal chaos, making it difficult for the brain to think clearly and adding stress.

What is the 'next right thing' approach that Selena advocates?

The 'next right thing' approach involves focusing on the immediate next small task, breaking down overwhelming tasks into manageable steps.

Outlines

00:00

😀 Introduction to Decluttering and Trauma

The video begins with a warm welcome to the decluttering club and an introduction to Selena Jones, a decluttering coach and grief and trauma therapist. Selena discusses the connection between trauma and clutter, emphasizing the importance of addressing this issue, especially for those who have experienced grief or trauma. She introduces the concept of 'stuff' to depersonalize items that may hold emotional attachments, and encourages viewers to validate their feelings about their possessions without seeking external approval.

05:02

🧐 Understanding Emotions and Avoidance

This paragraph delves into the emotions associated with decluttering, particularly when dealing with items that hold traumatic memories. Selena emphasizes the importance of not seeking outside validation for one's feelings and highlights that everyone processes emotions differently. She discusses how clutter can be a manifestation of internal chaos and suggests tackling it by focusing on one box at a time in a safe space. Selena also introduces the concept of honoring one's feelings and using physical movement to manage overwhelming emotions.

10:02

💥 The Pillsbury Dough Theory of Emotion

Selena uses the Pillsbury Dough analogy to illustrate what happens when emotions are not dealt with properly. She explains that unprocessed emotions can 'explode' and create a bigger problem, affecting various aspects of life. The paragraph encourages viewers to honor their emotions, regardless of whether they are considered 'good' or 'bad', and to process them in a healthy way. It also touches on the idea that emotions are messages that something needs to change and how decluttering can shift the energy in one's home.

15:05

📝 Acknowledging and Journaling Emotions

The focus of this paragraph is on acknowledging and dealing with the big emotions that arise during the decluttering process. Selena suggests different methods for acknowledging these feelings, such as journaling or physical activity, to help clear the mind and change the environment. She stresses the importance of self-compassion and positive self-talk, encouraging viewers to let go of internalized negative messages from the past.

20:06

👣 The Power of the Next Right Thing

Selena introduces the concept of the 'next right thing' as a method to tackle overwhelming tasks related to decluttering and emotional processing. She advises breaking down tasks into smaller, manageable steps and emphasizes the importance of self-care and creating a calm space. The paragraph also discusses the interconnectedness of physical space, mental health, and emotional well-being, and how taking care of one's environment can positively impact overall wellness.

25:11

🛌 Creating a Calming Environment

In this paragraph, Selena talks about the importance of creating a calming environment, especially during times of stress or grief. She suggests making a list of calming activities that can be referred to when feeling overwhelmed. The discussion also touches on the idea that decluttering can sometimes make people feel uncomfortable, as it forces them to confront their attachments and emotions. Selena reassures viewers that it's okay to take small steps and process their feelings at their own pace.

30:14

💌 Honoring Loved Ones and Letting Go

The final paragraph addresses the challenge of letting go of items that belonged to deceased loved ones. Selena offers empathy and advice for viewers struggling with this issue, emphasizing that letting go of possessions does not mean losing the memory or love for the person. She suggests considering how to honor the giving away process and ensuring that any items kept hold personal significance. The paragraph concludes with encouragement to show grace to oneself and to make decisions based on personal values and feelings, rather than seeking external validation.

Keywords

💡Trauma

Trauma in the context of the video refers to deeply distressing or disturbing experiences that affect an individual's mental and emotional stability. The video discusses how unresolved trauma can manifest as physical clutter in one's living environment. Selena, a grief and trauma therapist, explains how the clutter can often be a symbol of internal chaos and unresolved issues, suggesting that addressing these can help individuals declutter their spaces.

💡Clutter

Clutter refers to a collection of items that are often disorganized and accumulate over time in living spaces, leading to a lack of order and neatness. In the video, clutter is linked to psychological issues such as trauma and grief. It's described as an external manifestation of internal chaos. Selena emphasizes the importance of recognizing the emotional weight of clutter and suggests practical steps to address and manage it effectively.

💡Grief

Grief is a profound emotional response to loss, particularly the death of a loved one. In the video, grief is discussed as one of the emotional states that can lead to the accumulation of clutter. Selena, the decluttering coach, integrates her role as a grief therapist to help individuals process their emotions effectively, thereby managing their physical spaces better.

💡Emotions

Emotions in the video refer to complex psychological states that arise in response to personal experiences and memories. The video explores how emotions related to trauma and grief can result in clutter. Selena discusses strategies to handle big emotions that surface while decluttering, such as acknowledging and processing these emotions to prevent them from manifesting as clutter.

💡Healing

Healing is a process of recovery from emotional pain or trauma. The video highlights how decluttering can be a healing process, allowing individuals to address and process underlying emotional issues. By managing their clutter, individuals can create a more positive living environment, which contributes to overall mental and emotional well-being.

💡Overwhelm

Overwhelm is a state of being overcome by intense emotions, making it difficult to manage thoughts and actions. The video describes overwhelm as a common reaction to dealing with clutter, which is often tied to emotional trauma. Selena offers advice on tackling overwhelm by breaking decluttering tasks into smaller, manageable steps and focusing on one task at a time.

💡Active avoidance

Active avoidance is a defense mechanism where individuals consciously avoid dealing with thoughts, emotions, or situations that are distressing. In the video, Selena explains how not dealing with clutter can be a form of active avoidance, which often stems from anxiety or overwhelm. Recognizing and confronting this behavior is portrayed as a critical step in the decluttering process.

💡Energy

Energy in this context refers to the emotional or spiritual quality that a person brings into a space. The video discusses how clutter can negatively impact the energy of a living environment, contributing to feelings of discomfort and unease. Selena talks about shifting energy through decluttering, which can enhance the living space's ambiance and the individual's mood.

💡Validation

Validation involves recognizing and affirming another person's feelings or opinions as valid and significant. In the video, the need for external validation for one's feelings towards clutter is discouraged. Instead, Selena emphasizes trusting one's own feelings and judgments about personal belongings and the emotions they invoke.

💡Next right thing

The 'next right thing' is a concept discussed by Selena to help individuals deal with overwhelm by focusing on small, manageable actions that lead to progress in decluttering. It's a strategy to avoid the paralysis that can accompany looking at the entire task at once, encouraging a focus on immediate, achievable steps that build momentum in the decluttering process.

Highlights

Selena, a decluttering coach and grief and trauma therapist, discusses the link between trauma and clutter, offering insights on how to deal with emotional attachments to possessions.

Clutter can manifest as a result of unresolved grief or trauma, affecting not just emotional well-being but also physical spaces and relationships.

Selena emphasizes the importance of making small, focused changes to disrupt trauma cycles and improve overall quality of life.

Participants are encouraged to refer to their possessions as 'stuff' to reduce emotional attachment and gain clarity when deciding what to keep or discard.

The conversation highlights that one's feelings about their possessions are valid and do not require external validation.

Selena introduces the concept of 'active avoidance' and suggests addressing it by asking why one is avoiding certain items or tasks.

The discussion suggests that dealing with clutter can be overwhelming, but by focusing on one item or box at a time, the task becomes more manageable.

Honoring one's emotions, even big or difficult ones, is key to processing them and preventing them from escalating into larger issues.

Selena uses the Pillsbury dough analogy to illustrate how unaddressed emotions can 'explode' and create a bigger problem if not handled properly.

The conversation touches on the idea that emotions are not inherently bad; it's how we process and respond to them that matters.

Selena shares her personal journey of decluttering and how anger about not being able to open a door fully led to a significant change.

The dialogue emphasizes the importance of changing the energy in one's home through decluttering and creating a more organized and lighter space.

Selena provides a tip sheet on processing big emotions while decluttering, which can be accessed by signing up for her email list.

The session explores the concept of the 'next right thing' as a method for tackling overwhelming tasks by breaking them down into smaller, actionable steps.

The conversation highlights the interconnectedness of physical clutter, emotional well-being, and mental health, and how addressing one can positively affect the others.

Selena encourages self-love and care, emphasizing that taking care of one's physical needs is a crucial part of processing emotions and dealing with clutter.

The dialogue addresses the challenge of letting go of items with sentimental value, such as those belonging to a deceased loved one, and provides compassionate guidance on honoring their memory while also healing.

Selena concludes with a reminder to show grace to oneself, make decisions without seeking outside validation, and take things one step at a time.

Transcripts

Hello, decluttering club. Oh my goodness. I'm so happy to see you.

We are so happy to be with you here today.

I am here with our decluttering coach sele Jones,

and she's gonna be talking to us today about the trauma link to clutter.

All right. This is a very real thing. The trauma link, a clutter.

So if you have grief or trauma in your background, or if, you know,

if you've struggled with this in the past,

and it has turned into and like manifested itself as clutter today's video

is for you, this is gonna be really important.

Now I just wanna make sure that we are good to go here. Yes. Okay.

I see people on. Fantastic. All right.

And if you all can give me a thumbs up in the,

in the comments and let me know that you can hear us, um,

that would be super helpful. I see LUS here. Hey, Lua and Hey,

Joan from Vancouver. Okay. So good to have you,

and Solina thank you so much for being here. This is, this is,

we were just talking about this, right? This is such a big,

this is tremendous. This problem is huge.

And so I love that you are tackling this and, um,

I think it's something that we really need to get into. So without further ado,

why don't you tell everybody who you are, where you're from and you know, like,

just introduce yourself.

Okay. So my name is Selena and I live just outside of Toronto and,

and I am a decluttering coach, and I'm also a grief and trauma therapist.

So, you know, meshing these two worlds together is really exciting for me.

And I think a lot of people kind of go, oh my gosh, grief and trauma. Like,

how can that get you excited?

And I think it gets me excited because it doesn't have to be a dead end road.

You know, it doesn't, we don't have to be stuck and overwhelm,

and we don't have to be stuck in trauma cycles that are showing

up, not just in our body and in our health, but also in our living space,

you know, and in our relationships and, you know,

we can make tiny changes and we can,

we can shift that energy and we can make a difference and we can stop the

cycling. So I'm really excited to be here today to talk about it.

Oh, I love it. That's such good news. Right. We don't have to be stuck.

Like it's I love it. It's not a dead end. That's that's like,

not everybody knows that. Right. Right.

I think when you're in the midst of that, um, you,

you don't see a way out.

No.

No. And it's horrendous. So, you know, I, I love that this is your specialty.

This is, this is a beautiful thing. So thank you for being here, um,

before we get into it. So you have five points that you're gonna share with us,

but before we get into it, I want you all to make sure that you sign up.

Selena has a, um, a link that you can click through on this video.

I'm also gonna drop into the comments and, uh,

it is going to give you a tip sheet on how to process big

emotions while decluttering, right. If you've ever come across like that one,

that one thing, it hits you like a brick wall. And you're like, whoa.

And then you're just dissolve into a puddle of tears. And you're like,

where did that come from? Or maybe, you know, where it came from.

You're gonna want this tip sheet because, um, it's gonna tell you how to,

how to handle that. So I'm gonna drop that in the comments here,

before I forget. And.

These are my best secrets. These are all the top tips.

So you're gonna wanna copy for sure.

Perfect. Okay. Hang on. Let me just make sure this gets in there properly. Okay.

There we go. Um, yeah. And that is over to sign up for Selena's email address.

So you guys are gonna wanna grab that. Okay. So tell us how this works. Like,

what is the link? Um, how do we get into this?

Okay. So first I wanna talk about, when I talk about the clutter,

I'm gonna refer to it as stuff.

And the reason why I refer to it as stuff is I want to

remove sort of that emotional attachment and that emotional expectation

of the things that are hard for us to part with. Maybe it's not, I mean,

if you truly wanna keep something, you absolutely can keep it. You have choices.

If you are keeping something out of expectation or because you're

so attached to the experience that it provided,

or the relationship with the person that maybe it came from, or it has a tie to,

but you don't actually love the object.

We just sort of wanna remove that deep attachment.

We're just gonna refer to it as stuff.

And it's not meant to be disrespectful just so we can sort of take a step back,

take a breath and look at it just a little bit more clearly.

Okay. Everybody say stuff in the comments stuff. Yes. I.

Love it. Stuff, stuff. Okay. So, you know,

you don't have to have a specific,

big thing that happened in your life to call it grief or to call it trauma.

You don't don't need validation from anybody else about how you feel about your

stuff. If it is hard for you, that is valid. Okay.

You don't need anybody else's permission. You don't need, if somebody,

if your best friend or your sister says, oh my gosh, it's been 10 years.

I don't even know why it's still a thing for you. Okay. We're just,

that's just noise. We're gonna let that go away.

Because however you feel about it is valid. And that's what we deal with.

We deal with is the emotion that we're sitting with right now.

So I think that's really, really important.

Don't look for outside validation as to why it's hard.

Mm. Okay. We don't have to prove ourselves.

Right?

It's not like a, it's not a contest who separate more, or I shouldn't be, or,

or all of that.

Right. And your best friend or your mother or your brother is going to process

differently than you, even if they had the exact same experience,

different person, different body, different brain. Right.

So how you feel or don't feel about stuff, you just own that on your own.

Okay. It has no attachment to anybody else around you.

And I think sometimes when we have clutter, because when we have trauma,

um, and we have difficult things, makes it really difficult to think.

Clearly our brain literally just gets flooded with all these hormones.

And sometimes our internal chaos shows up

externally. It shows up in our space, you know, um,

our laundry doesn't get done. The paperwork piles up.

It's hard to go through the mail. And when we look at it,

sometimes we just say to ourselves, oh, you know what? I don't even care.

Like maybe I have seven boxes of off from my first marriage or from someone that

passed, or I lost this, you know, I just don't care can sit there. I don't care.

But when we tell ourselves we don't care and we still don't deal with it,

that's just active avoidance.

Right. Okay.

So we have to ask ourselves, why am I actively avoiding this?

And it's usually one of two things. It's either anxiety or it's overwhelmed.

Both of those things we can deal with. Right?

So it's, um, it becomes really important. Not,

not necessarily to figure out why we feel what we feel,

but to give ourselves permission, to feel it,

to realize we don't have to do all the things in one big go.

So let's say you have seven boxes of stuff.

And what is in those boxes feels difficult. It feels overwhelming.

I always tell my clients, keep it small and keep it focused. Pick one box,

just pick one. Don't care about the other six right now, take that box.

Take it to a different space, right?

Maybe you just wanna sit on your couch in the living room,

sitting in a space that feels safe and good and attempt to go through the box.

And people sometimes say, okay, but, oh my gosh, I'm, you know, I'm,

my palms are sweaty. I'm breathing fast. I just, I wanna, it makes me wanna run.

And then we say, okay, what do we do with all those big feelings? We honor them,

right? So you have a big feeling.

You're not gonna have that big feeling for the rest of your life.

It's gonna pass. So we can sit with it.

Maybe we need to get up. We need to move our body.

Because when we sit with a big feeling and we allow it to sort of build and

build and build and build,

we become so overwhelmed that we're not thinking straight.

So if we get up and we just move our body, like, okay, I know that it's there.

I'm gonna go take a breather. I'm gonna go walk around my house.

I'm gonna go outside for a minute.

It gives our brain something to do instead of our brain hyper focusing

on all that overwhelming anxiety,

because we immediately start telling ourselves I can't do it. It's too hard.

It'll never get done.

I'm gonna die.

Yeah. Right. Yes, exactly. Like it becomes this,

it feels like a life or death scenario.

A hundred percent like, and that's not even an exaggeration. Right.

Right. No, it literal. It literally is.

That's what your brain and your body are telling you. And so, you know,

we have to sort of give our brain a job,

a better job than feeding us these anxious thoughts.

Mm. I love that. Yes. That's so good. A hundred percent. Yeah. So,

so get your box, make it small.

Yeah.

Then go, go somewhere else and sort through it and,

and honor your feelings and honor avoid them. Right?

Like that's so that's so important, right? Because if we're just avoiding,

then it never goes away.

Right.

And it will stick around for forever, for decades. Like,

we're not just gonna get over these things.

These things don't just go away on their own. Right?

No, you're most your emotions stick around until you handle them. Mm.

And this is what I call my, my Pillsbury dough theory. Now,

if you get a canister of Pillsbury dough and you handle it properly,

when you get home from the grocery store, it goes in your fridge. Uh, right.

And when it goes in your fridge, it stays in its canister.

It's there for when you need it.

And you can appropriately with it because you're handling it with care in the

way that it needs to be handled. Okay. Okay. Now,

if you take that same Pillsbury canister and you decide,

you're not gonna deal with it when you get home from the grocery store and you

put it on your kitchen,

counter and days go by and a week goes by

what happens inside that canister it's growing and it's building.

Oh my gosh.

And then it explodes.

Oh.

Wow. It literally explodes.

And everything that is in that canister is on the ceiling and on the walls

and on the floors. And you now have a much bigger job.

And our emotions are the same way when we process and deal with our oceans,

they're there where they need to be. We can interact with them inappropriately.

But when we don't, when we push it aside and we shove it down and we decide,

we're not gonna deal with it,

eventually it's gonna build and build and build and build until it becomes so

overwhelming that we're not functioning well.

And then it affects so many things that affects our health.

It affects our relationships.

It affects our job and it affects our home and the energy and our environment.

Oh my goodness. That is, I love that analogy. Right.

You can just imagine all of the, the dough all over the kitchen. Right? Like it,

it started out in the, in the can and if you handle it,

you can have biscuits and it's a, and they taste great. And you know,

but if you don't, then now you got a great big mess and.

Yeah. It gets messy and it gets complicated. And then you go, oh, I just,

you know, I don't wanna deal with it, but you're kind of forced to,

unless you wanna have, you know, Pillsbury Dobis all over the house,

which nobody really wants to function.

It. And then you've got the bugs and.

Yeah. Like it just right. And that's,

our emotions are like the pills. Very do canister.

Okay. Yeah.

No, we just need, we need to honor them. We need to allow them to happen.

There is no such thing as a bad emotion. Anger is not bad. Jealousy is not bad.

What it does. It's how do we process it? What do we do with it when we have it?

Right? That's the key. So you can have all of these emotions,

don't talk badly to yourself for having the emotions.

Don't talk badly to yourself, of how attached you feel to some of your stuff.

It's okay. Cause you have choices,

but you have to like the reasons why you keep,

what you keep are you keeping it because your mother said that your

great-grandmother loved it and wanted to have it in the family forever. Right.

But you're just kinda like, mm, not really my thing, but mom loves it.

That much offer to mom. Mom doesn't want it. Then we can let it go. You know?

Like your reasons for keeping the things that you keep.

Like your reasons, everyone say like your reason, I love that.

No such thing as a bad emotion. Isn't that crazy? Yeah.

Like we spend half our lives probably avoiding emotions. You know,

nobody likes to feel jealous or guilty.

Or, you know,

and all it's telling us is something needs to change when we get angry about

something. It's because we don't like it. Like if we look into,

I had a room that I called,

I was the queen of the stash and dash before I started my decluttering journey.

And it's actually literally in the room that I am in now.

And you could barely open up the door to start decluttering room.

I had to build a pathway.

And what made me finally get into the grid of it was that when I couldn't open

the door all the way, it made me angry. And I had to ask myself, why am I angry?

I'm angry. Cuz I can't open the door all the way. Well,

why can I not open the door all the way?

Because I am the queen of the stash and touch. I put too much stuff in there.

And so the only way through that,

my anger is telling me isn't serving me anymore.

I want something different for that space. So I need to make a change.

So it's useful actually. Like it's actually a useful.

Emotion. Yes. It's telling us something. It always has a message.

What is not sitting right in our body? You know, what is,

what is it that we wanna change? I,

how do we wanna shift the energy in our house? Cuz when we declutter, we do,

we change the energy in our house. Things feel lighter.

They feel more organized.

When we have a lot of internal chaos that becomes external

chaos. Our brain is hardwired to constantly search our environment.

And that goes back to like cave mandates.

It's looking for a saber tooth tiger right now. There's no saber tooth tiger,

but it's constantly searching and searching and searching.

And when you have a lot of clutter, it's very, very tiring on your brain.

Mm.

Yeah.

But as you work through it and as you create things like white space and you

create a home for things, your brain doesn't spin this,

it starts spinning like this.

Mm right.

And you're giving time and energy back to your body.

You're helping your relationships. You're helping your health.

There's so many benefits.

So good. So good. Okay. We got a lot of people talking here. This is fantastic.

Brenda, is this so good? Absolutely. Uh,

Francis says honor, acknowledge. Recognize the emotion.

I did that with the dress I eloped in.

I felt grief for the young woman whose hopes and dreams were derailed,

hugged the gr the dress and told myself it was appropriate to feel grief.

And it passed. Ooh.

Oh, I like that. I like that.

That is good. That is good cases. This is so enlightening for me.

Thank you both. Okay. Fantastic. All right. So now what,

so we are honoring the emotions. We're noticing them. We are not avoiding.

Right. So I mean, you know, people say, what do we do with those big feelings?

And we touched on that a little bit earlier is we acknowledge that we have them.

Um, and how you acknowledge it is just dependent upon your personality.

Some people just like to sort of sit with it. Um, you know,

we love to sit with the happy emotions.

We love to sit with joy and we love to sit with relaxation and contentment.

But when it's uncomfortable, that's when we wanna run. We're like, no,

I don't, I don't, I don't like this feeling. Right.

But it's okay to sit with the feeling. Maybe you need to sort of write.

Maybe you need to take five minutes and write it out.

This is what's coming up for me. You know,

let yourself do stream of consciousness, writing. Don't don't make it pretty.

It's not for anybody else to read. Just start writing. You know,

when I do stream of consciousness, journaling, um, I do it every morning.

I've been doing it every morning for about close to eight years now because I

like to clear what's going on in my head.

So I'm not carrying that weight throughout the day.

And when we're decluttering and it brings up big emotions,

we need to find a way to get it out. So some people are,

some people are writers. Do you stream of consciousness?

Talk about how gross it feels. The memories that it brings up,

whatever it is that you need to shed so that you don't carry it with you.

That's part of the healing process. Other people like to burn some energy,

right? Maybe you need to go for a walk. Um,

maybe you need to put on some like put on some dance, music,

change the energy of the space. It doesn't have to be doom and gloom, you know,

dance around, shake it off, whatever it is that you need to do. Right? Yeah. Um,

but in the process, I want you to tell yourself positive things.

Don't say that you're dumb. Don't say this is stupid. Don't say so.

And so would never have a problem with this. Or, you know,

my grandmother would laugh if she, you know, laugh at me and call names. If she,

you know, saw the way that I was acting over this one photo, you know,

whatever it is, those kinds of messages they don't serve us.

Mm.

And we have to remember that nobody ever talks to us as much

as we talk to ourselves.

Yes. That's so true.

Right. So what messages are you allowing yourself to internalize?

And what messages did you grow up with that you decided to carry through with

you into adulthood that you really can let go of?

Because so many times in my clients,

both with my decluttering clients and my therapy clients,

I see them living out the messages that other people attached to them when they

were younger. You're always so messy. You're never organized.

Why are you always so late? And if we hear this enough,

we internalize it. And then unknowingly,

we put a lot of energy into making that our own reality.

What if we just said, no?

Yeah. You know? Yeah. Like those, like you can't,

you can't stop that when you're a kid, but there's no way for you to say,

I don't wanna hear you say this. Like, that's not a thing for kids, but,

but we don't have to keep replaying those messages when we're adults. Yeah.

But I think a lot of times we don't even realize that we're doing that.

We just sort of think that's, that's the way it is. Like I am messy.

I am late or whatever it is.

Yep. Yep. Even in my own decluttering journey,

I took on a lot of the messages that people attached to my mom when my mom's the

queen of the stash and dad, um, you know, until I started doing your programs,

no one had taught me a skill that there was actually a really easy skillset to

working through our stuff. And I was like, wow, like,

it's almost like it needs to be taught like reading and writing. You know,

if you don't grow up with those kinds of messages,

you don't go up with that kind of content. Um,

it's not always easy just to figure out naturally,

especially for those of us who are not naturally organized. Right. Right.

For some people, organization becomes really easily in my,

a lot of my decluttering clients have and ADHD, they have squirrel brain,

it just ping pongs, you know?

And they jump around from thing to thing to thing in their house.

So there are messages that we have grown up with that we still carry and

it is okay to let it go, to put it down,

to walk away from it and create a new reality for yourself.

Yes.

Yeah, absolutely.

Okay. I'm in. I love it sounds good. Okay.

Now what that.

Was. Okay. So that.

Was number three.

I think we're actually, we coming up on number five, we sort of bounced around,

but this one is a really, really big one for me. This is how I, I literally go,

this is how I live my own life, the value of the next right thing. Okay.

So we've got this stuff. We are overwhelmed.

We are trying to process the emotions. We're trying to honor what we're feeling.

And then we kind of go, okay, it's still feeling overwhelming. So like now what?

Because those kinds of feelings don't just go away like that.

It's not like a light switch. Right. I a,

what I ask you to do is what is the next right thing?

The next right thing.

The next right thing.

So, or by say next right thing.

Right? Yeah. Because when we look at a, let's say there's,

you know, a room that we wanna take back, we wanna make changes.

We look at the whole entire room and we get overwhelmed and we get frustrated

and we get angry and we shut down and we look to shut the doorway, walk away.

Now we know from the Pillsbury, no analogy, that room,

unfortunately is not going to magically clean itself.

It's not going to secretly let go of the things that no longer serve us. Right.

So we have to face it.

Someday. Someone's gonna have to open the door.

Right.

Whether it's us or whether we're we're, we're gone and it's somebody else,

but it's gonna have to happen.

So what is the next right thing? Mm.

Maybe it's that you open the door and you go,

I'm gonna deal with a thing that's maybe it's so full that you have to create a

pathway. What is sitting right there? As soon as you open up the door,

the first thing that you touch, that's the next right thing.

So what we're doing is we are taking away the all or nothing.

Thinking the part of us that goes, well, if I can't do it in an afternoon,

or I can't do it in a weekend, I, I just, you know,

I'm not gonna bother getting started.

Why bother? Yeah.

Yeah. Right. And,

and it's defeat us and that doesn't serve us because we, we know this.

We can do hard things.

We are capable than we give ourselves credit for.

So let's do the next right thing. So we start that and we've done that thing.

And then maybe we look around the room. We're like, oh my gosh,

it's gonna take me forever. There's so much stuff. No, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no. Keep it small. Keep it focused. What is the next right thing?

Now? What, okay. Now the next thing and the thing next, right?

All those little bits add up, you know,

like you have said to people over and over again, just do 10 minutes.

Right? If you do 10 minutes, you do 10 minutes just once a day,

that's over an hour of work by the end of the week.

But maybe you didn't have it in you to do an hour.

Right.

All at all at the big getting right.

But you still got that work done because you did those 10 minutes and maybe

doing 10 minutes is the next right thing.

Mm oh, that's so good. I love it. Oh my goodness. I love it.

And we're actually getting tons of comments.

Marjo says I need this video forever. I love it.

It's so good. Right. We're so good. Um, Judy says, I need the tip sheet,

Judy, make sure you click through and, um,

and get on Salina's email list because she's got amazing things going on. Um,

if you guys have questions on this,

go ahead and drop those into the comments and we'll try to address a couple of

them. Um, because yeah, this, like I said, I think this is like,

I think there's like a million people. We need to hear this message, right?

Like, and I'm not even exaggerating because, um, just,

just the way our world is today, this is, it just,

it's just becoming more and more of a problem. So if this is you,

you're a good company, nothing wrong with you.

Yeah. Overwhelm can feel paralyzing.

Big emotions can feel scary to process us.

Right. But it's, again, it becomes the next right thing.

And the next right thing can be applied to anything in your life.

Whether it's how to declutter, you know,

declutter the room that's bothering you or, um, you know,

how to process the emotions. What's the next right thing right now. I like,

you know, to break it down to saying to people that they're glorified,

how are you fed? Are you watered? Did you get some sunshine? Right.

When you get those three things, it's so much easier to process the emotions.

And then it's so much easier to work on the clutter. Cause they're all,

they're all connected. It's all linear connected.

Right, right. It's what we call basics. Right? Yeah. Like literally do you,

are you drinking your water?

I know you were telling people to drink their water. Like,

and it seems like silly. And,

but actually like it could actually make a difference and maybe that's the next

right thing.

Absolutely. Emotional work is thirsty work.

Mm.

It really is. It's thirsty, thirsty work. So you wanna keep yourself hydrated.

You want to essentially prime your body to be ready for the things that you're

trying to process. Cause honoring,

honoring your emotions is also about honoring your body,

which is also connected to honoring your space. Because you know,

when we deal with things like depress and anxiety and overwhelm,

when we start working on the clutter in our space, we're shifting the energy.

We are also shifting our mental health.

Mm.

They're. Connected. They're absolutely connected.

Oh, that, and you know, you, you think, um,

well I don't have any energy to do that,

but sometimes that is the only thing that you could do. Right?

Like sometimes the, I think we were talking about this beforehand. Right? Um,

sometimes the, the emotional work is maybe too, too heavy. Yep. Too hard,

but maybe the next right thing.

And just like dealing with a piece of paper or, you know,

something maybe that is doable.

Yeah. Something tiny.

And what is something that gives you essentially a gift to yourself?

So let's say, you know, if you just, for me,

I love the end of the day cuz I like to go to bed with a book.

So one of the things that is usually my next right thing is,

is my bedside table clear because that has my book. It has my reading light.

It's got my tissue box, it's got my mug water and it's got my reading light.

So if I focus on that and I keep that clear,

that's a gift to myself because at the end of the day, I wanna be able to relax.

I want to be able to unwind. And so if other areas of my life feel chaotic,

I can look at the bedside table and go, I took care of that.

Like I did that thing. And that actually makes me feel better again,

that ties into the energy of my space and the energy of my body.

So good. Yeah. Because if we don't take care of ourselves, then who will. Right,

right. Like we have to,

and sometimes we kinda have to fight for it cuz it doesn't come naturally.

It's sometimes we don't even want to which yeah.

Which is kind of counterintuitive.

But I think it's a really real thing with depression or you know,

if you're in the middle of grief it's.

And you're worth it, you are so worth it.

And I want you to tell yourself that you are worth it. I mean,

external validation is a great thing. I mean, we all need it from time to time,

but you need to practice that act of self love to say,

you know what? No, I'm, I, I am worthy. I'm absolutely worthy.

Mm. So good. All right.

I'm gonna scroll through and see if we have some questions. Let's see.

Daisy said, thanks so much.

It helps me find the root of where all this started from. Yeah. This,

this is the, you wanna talk a little bit about that? Like is,

do you find that like traumatic events are like a catalyst for the clutter

to, to begin to pile up? Or is it more gradual? Like what, what do you um.

Well, I mean it, I think it depends, but I think there is,

it's definitely deeply rooted. Um, you know,

if you have a very traumatic pass with constantly moving

and as you know, when, if we move a lot, there's things that get lost.

We can become very attached to our stuff and want to have it

close by.

And sometimes when we are so used to that sort of chaos and the clutter and all

this stuff, it can, I think people sometimes get,

can get surprised that when they declutter that actually makes them

feel uncomfortable. Everybody assumes, oh, if you're gonna declutter,

you're gonna feel great afterwards. And I've worked with people that say,

oh my God, no, it kind of makes me panicky.

Yeah. Right.

So then we need to make it a little bit smaller. Don't do a,

everything in three hours,

we have to allow ourselves time and grace to adjust to our space,

to adjust to the changes. Um, you know,

there's certain things I think that, um, that we become emotionally attached to,

uh, in certain areas of our life. And then maybe that changes as we get older,

but we feel good guilt over letting go of those things that we attached to for

so long. And that's hard, you know,

if there's people out there that are struggling with that kind of thing,

I don't want you to beat yourself up.

That's a process and you don't have to do the whole process in one sitting.

You don't have to do it in one day or one week.

We don't have to do all at once. No.

That right.

We might, we might need a minute. You think?

Yeah. It's okay. Cause I think, you know, some people they're just like,

I just wanna get it all done. I just wanna do it now.

I just wanna get it all done.

But there was a process that led up to us,

accumulating all that stuff.

And it's beneficial that as we through letting go of

it, that we let go of it in a small, in,

in smaller chunks because we wanna change the habits that led up to the

accumulation. Right. And if we just, it's almost like, you know,

some people have hired, um,

personal organizers to come in and deal with their stuff.

These people don't know your history. I mean, personal organizers are fabulous,

but don't know your history.

And there's certain things that to some people would seem like a nothing object

to you. It means the world and they check it, you know?

And then all of a sudden you've got this lovely looking, living room,

but you don't know how it got there.

And none of your habits that accumulated all the stuff have changed.

You're probably gonna find yourself in a difficult position down the road.

So allow yourself to have the time to process it in smaller bits.

And I, I imagine also like the,

the less that you avoid the feelings, right?

The more you're willing to process the feeling the faster's gonna.

Go. Yeah. It does get easier.

It is like working a muscle that you haven't used in forever.

Right. We have to practice it. And um,

I like to tell my clients to make a list when they're feeling calm and good.

What are the kinds of things that help relax you in a difficult moment? Um,

one of the best things to do is anything with repetitive movement. Mm okay.

Because when our brain becomes overwhelmed and it becomes flooded with hormones,

the way that our brain attaches to sort of doing a relaxation actually goes

back into utero. You know, when, when you literally are in your mom's belly,

there's that sway, there's the heartbeat. And you know,

for people that, for babies that are born that have, you know,

proper attachment, what do people do when they hold a baby? They bounce. They,

you know, they pat the back.

So our brain associates that calming feeling with repetitive motion.

Oh, interesting.

So, you know, you can, even if it's just inning in an office chair,

that's why walking, swinging kniting.

Knitting. I was thinking, yeah. Yeah.

All of those kinds of things are really great. It settles the brain down.

It's so, so good for mental health. Wow. Right.

So make a list of the things that calm you so that if you are in your

decluttering journey and you are triggered, you don't have to think in the,

when you're not thinking clearly what's my best option. Go to your list,

choose something from your list,

let yourself calm down and then you're gonna come back to it.

And you're gonna see the situation with fresh eyes.

Okay. We having a couple people saying, um, like,

so when they go through and click on your link, does it download it right away?

Or does it come be email? Like what's the process.

It's gonna, um, when they put in their, their name and email address,

it will be emailed to them.

Okay. So check your email, everybody check your spam folder just in case. Yeah.

Um, but that's where it should come. All right. We have a question. Um,

where did it go? Um, thank you. Can I catch the rest?

The rest of this later? Yes. Mary, this is recorded. Absolutely. Okay. Um,

from Joey says, please speak about my deceased son's things.

I even have baby clothes and toys. I thought he could use for his children,

but he didn't have any. Mm, okay.

Okay.

Loved one. That's hard children.

First child. Yeah. That's really, really hard. I, um,

You know, when, when we grow up in life,

we just figure that everyone's gonna follow that natural progression. Right.

It's always the people that are older than us. They're gonna pass first. So, um,

there's not a playbook on how to deal with grief when you are the parent that is

losing a child. So first of all, my heart goes out to you. Um,

the other thing is that when we let go of something,

it's really important to remember that it does not change the relationship to

the person that has passed. Mm.

It doesn't change the experiences that we have had with them.

And it doesn't change their love for us or our love for them.

So, you know, in those three points,

there's a lot of permissions there that we can give ourself, you know,

and we can, it, it depends on their grief journey.

What feel like if it comes to, let's say these items that were his as the baby,

that you're hoping to hold onto, what,

what feels best in your heart, in your body, on how to let go of them? Would it,

would it be better to let go? Can you let it go anywhere?

Can you let it go to a family in need?

Can you donate it to some sort of society that works with, you know,

people that are in similar our situations there's there's options.

It is honor, right? Yeah.

Yeah. How do you, how do you wanna honor that giving away process?

But I think it is so important to always circle back that it does not change the

love. It does not change the experience and it does not change the relationship.

Right. Cause I think that's what people feel that they're afraid of. Like,

if I let go his things, I'm not gonna have him. That's all I have left. Yes.

Right? Like that, those things, that's it. That's all I got.

But you're saying that's not, that's not.

No, the memories are still there.

All the experiences that we have up until he passed are still there.

They're still existing. They're still in your body. They're still in your heart.

They're still, you know,

in pictures and little things in your environment will trigger that memory.

Not just the things cuz that's the other thing too.

We're afraid to get rid of the stuff because the stuff brings up a memory.

You have a wealth of memories. They're still gonna show up for you.

Yeah. And I think also like we can't,

we can't enjoy those memories sometimes if we're so busy, like avoiding being.

Sad.

Yeah. Right. Then you're missing out and actually like loving on your son.

Yeah.

Like remembering the good things.

And what, what would he want for you? That's that's the other thing,

if we flip that narrative and you know,

if your son could write you a letter and say, you know, mom,

this is what you know is, is that letter gonna say,

I would really like you to never get rid of anything and you know,

stay in that locked box. No, the, you know, when people love us,

they want us to live a big, full, beautiful life. Mm.

And it's okay that we do,

even though they're not there to make new memories with us.

Mm yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. So good.

So good. Right. Um, let's see. Elisa says, I thought I would feel guilt,

but my brain loved it and wanted to do more earning space to make memories with

crafts, with emotional items that I'm keeping. Oh, that's a good one.

That's a good one. Brenda says, my brother passed away.

I used to lock his stuff. Got rid of it and he's still in my heart. Oh,

how beautiful, beautiful. Um, yes.

And charm says, that's what our love we want for, you know, sometimes,

sometimes they leave us with a, you know,

a message that's like don't ever get rid of this. Like you said,

you said it a little while ago. Right. Um,

you wanna talk a little bit about that? Like what if,

what if mom said I'm entrusting these things to you?

This is super important. You gotta hang, you gotta keep this forever.

Like what, what would you say to someone who's who's, you know,

got the weight of that.

Um, you know, it, it becomes a boundary thing. If mom's still living,

it's a boundary thing. Maybe we have to have a talk with mom, you know?

And we will, if, if this item speaks to us,

then maybe that's something that we wanna do. If not,

we don't have to make promises. And if mom feels some kind of way about that,

that's okay.

Right.

That's, that's, it's hard when it's our parents, right. We're like,

I don't wanna disappoint my parents or, you know,

I hate when my mom gives me the eye, you know, and I know what she's thinking.

And right now, if mom has passed, bless her,

but mom has no say in it anymore.

Mm.

Nothing awful is going to happen to you. If you, if you let go of that thing,

you know, if we,

if there is something that I look at at my space as real estate in my home,

what do I want to honor to so that when it takes up real estate,

I'm proud that it takes up real estate. If it speaks to me,

then I'm happy to donate that real estate to that, to that thing. If not,

I am making room for other things that do speak to me,

or maybe it's new's experiences or maybe it's different energy.

So if mom has passed mom now long,

no longer has any say in the matter and the decisions that we are making about

our stuff, they are not life and death decisions.

And that's what we have to remember.

Cause in the moment it feels like life and death,

it just feels big and heavy and overwhelming, but it's not it's stuff.

We know that there's all these names on it. We know that it's, you know,

great grandma Edna's, you know, China T set shipped over from England,

but it's stuff. Right. And if it doesn't speak to us,

it's okay to let go of it. And there is healing in the letting go.

Oh, that's so good. That is, that is, that is such good news.

I think that's the perfect place to wrap up. Yeah.

There's healing in the letting go. Right. But again,

what we started out with saying you can't,

you can't heal if you're not dealing and processing.

Exactly.

That is that's the necessary ingredient there. Yeah. Okay. All right.

So make sure you all request the tip sheet connect with Selena. She's amazing.

You will love her, just like I do. Um, Selena, thank you so much for,

for being here. I really appreciate this. Um, any final parting words.

You know, I think just show yourself some grace,

give yourself the permission to make the decisions. Don't look,

don't look for outside validation. Mm. And if it's hard, that's okay.

Because we can do hard things and it's just next right thing next right.

Thing. Next right thing. So good. All right. So good. Thank you so much. I just,

I love it. I think it's, it's fantastic. And um,

I appreciate you for being here.

Thank you.

Okay. Take care, everyone. Byebye. Bye. Bye.