What Not to Say to Someone Who is Grieving | Kay Warren

Summary

In this heartfelt video, the speaker, a long-time minister, shares valuable insights from their personal experience of grief after the loss of their son. They offer compassionate advice on what to say—and what to avoid—when comforting someone in mourning. Key points include eliminating minimizing phrases like 'at least' and theological comments such as 'God must have wanted them more in heaven.' Instead, they advocate for the power of presence and simple, sincere statements like 'I'm so sorry for your loss' or 'I'm praying for you.' The speaker highlights the importance of empathy and understanding during difficult times of loss.

Takeaways

• 😀 Grief is a deeply personal experience, and well-meaning comments can sometimes unintentionally minimize or invalidate it.
• 😀 Phrases like 'at least you had him for 27 years' or 'at least you can have more children' should be avoided, as they downplay the significance of the loss.
• 😀 The phrase 'God must have wanted him more' or 'now your loved one is an angel' can hurt more than help, as it may seem theologically inaccurate or dismissive.
• 😀 Presence matters more than words when comforting someone in grief; just showing up and being there is a powerful act of support.
• 😀 Instead of trying to fill silence with words, try sitting quietly with the grieving person, as the silence may be more comforting.
• 😀 Simple phrases like 'I'm so sorry for your loss' and 'I'm praying for you and your family' show empathy without minimizing the grief.
• 😀 Grief is not something to fix or explain away; sometimes the best thing you can do is just acknowledge the pain and offer compassion.
• 😀 Offering your prayers shows that you care and are actively thinking about the grieving person, providing emotional and spiritual support.
• 😀 Be mindful of the impact of your words—what seems comforting to one person may feel hurtful to another.
• 😀 The story of Job illustrates the power of silence—his friends were most comforting when they sat in silence, before they began speaking and offering explanations.

Q & A

Why is it important to avoid using the phrase 'at least' when comforting someone who is grieving?

The phrase 'at least' minimizes the grief and loss experienced by the person. It may make them feel like their sorrow isn’t justified or that they should be thankful for what little remains, which can be hurtful and dismissive.

What are some examples of phrases that should be avoided when speaking to someone in grief?

Examples include 'At least you had him for 27 years,' 'At least you know he's in heaven,' and 'It must have been God's will.' These phrases can unintentionally minimize the person's pain or imply that their grief isn't valid.

Why can statements like 'God must have wanted them more' or 'Your loved one is an angel now' be problematic?

These statements can be theologically inaccurate and may feel cruel to the grieving person. They suggest that God took their loved one in a way that diminishes the depth of their loss, which can cause more emotional harm.

How can well-intentioned people unknowingly hurt someone who is grieving?

People may try to comfort the grieving person by offering explanations or silver linings that, while meant to be positive, end up minimizing the grief or putting pressure on the individual to move on. These attempts, though kind-hearted, can feel dismissive and hurtful.

What is a more appropriate way to comfort someone grieving the loss of a loved one?

A simple and heartfelt 'I'm so sorry for your loss' is a respectful way to acknowledge their grief. Offering your presence and letting them know you're thinking of them, such as saying 'I'm praying for you and your family,' can also bring comfort without minimizing their pain.

Why is silence sometimes the most comforting response to someone who is grieving?

Silence allows the grieving person to feel their emotions without the pressure of responding or explaining. Just being present, as Job’s friends did, can be incredibly healing, showing that you acknowledge their pain without needing to 'fix' it.

What does the speaker mean by 'don’t try to fix the situation with words'?

The speaker suggests that, rather than attempting to find the perfect words to comfort the grieving person, it's better to offer support through presence and empathy. Words can sometimes fall short, but showing you care through actions and silent support can be more meaningful.

What does the speaker say about the impact of well-meaning words on their own grief experience?

The speaker shares that, even though they had been in ministry and knew what to say to others in grief, they realized that even with the best intentions, people often said things that were unintentionally hurtful. This realization helped them understand how others may feel when they experience similar losses.

How does the speaker suggest we should handle conversations with those who are grieving?

The speaker recommends listening more and speaking less. It's about acknowledging the person's sorrow and showing support, whether through a simple apology for their loss or by offering to pray for them. Avoid unnecessary explanations or philosophical attempts to explain the loss.

What is the significance of the speaker’s reference to Job’s friends in the Bible?

The speaker refers to Job’s friends to highlight the importance of being present without speaking too much. Job’s friends initially comforted him by sitting with him in silence, but once they started speaking, they caused more harm than good. This example emphasizes the power of silent support and empathy during times of grief.