Why People Pleasing is Hurting You | Salma Hindy | TEDxUofT

TEDx Talks
13 May 201917:35

Summary

TLDRIn a powerful narrative, the speaker shares her journey as a people-pleaser raised in a strict Muslim household, exploring the implications of codependency and societal expectations. Through her experiences in engineering and stand-up comedy, she reflects on the conflict between pursuing her passions and the fear of disappointing her family. The speaker highlights the hypocrisy of people-pleasing and the importance of reclaiming autonomy in decision-making. Ultimately, she emphasizes the value of living authentically and the need to break free from the approval of others, inspiring future generations to embrace their true selves.

Takeaways

  • πŸ˜€ People-pleasing can be a way to avoid disapproval, leading to unhealthy behaviors.
  • πŸ˜€ Growing up in strict environments can foster codependency and hinder decision-making autonomy.
  • πŸ˜€ Comedy can serve as a coping mechanism and a means of building connections in challenging situations.
  • πŸ˜€ The struggle for validation from loved ones can perpetuate people-pleasing behaviors.
  • πŸ˜€ People often face societal pressures and cultural expectations that influence their life choices.
  • πŸ˜€ The hypocrisy of people-pleasing logic reveals that societal approval can shift based on outcomes.
  • πŸ˜€ Breaking free from people-pleasing is essential for personal growth and authenticity.
  • πŸ˜€ Reflecting on future conversations with loved ones can help clarify personal motivations and desires.
  • πŸ˜€ People-pleasing leads to resentment towards those one tries to please, hindering genuine relationships.
  • πŸ˜€ Success and failure can both evoke fear, making the pursuit of personal dreams daunting but necessary.

Q & A

  • What is the main theme of the speaker's narrative?

    -The main theme is the struggle with people-pleasing and codependency, highlighting how these behaviors can hinder personal growth and decision-making.

  • How does the speaker illustrate the concept of people-pleasing?

    -The speaker uses the character 'Joanne' to exemplify a typical people pleaser who struggles to say no and is constantly seeking to meet others' needs.

  • What personal background does the speaker share that influences their perspective?

    -The speaker discusses growing up in a strict Muslim household, where cultural expectations and parental control shaped their sense of autonomy and decision-making.

  • What coping mechanism does the speaker use during their time in engineering school?

    -Comedy becomes a vital coping mechanism, allowing the speaker to connect with peers and navigate the stress of a challenging academic environment.

  • What internal conflict does the speaker face regarding their passion for stand-up comedy?

    -The speaker grapples with the fear of disappointing their conservative parents while pursuing a path in stand-up comedy that is not aligned with familial expectations.

  • How does the speaker describe the societal expectations placed on women in their community?

    -The speaker notes that societal judgments about women often shift depending on whether they succeed, highlighting hypocrisy in how women's choices are viewed before and after marriage.

  • What realization does the speaker come to about their own happiness?

    -The speaker realizes that quitting comedy would not genuinely make them happy; instead, they want to pursue their passions regardless of others' opinions.

  • What exercise does the speaker suggest for making decisions?

    -The speaker recommends visualizing a future conversation with their daughters about their life choices to evaluate whether decisions are made out of fear or genuine desire.

  • What does the speaker say about the cost of breaking free from people-pleasing?

    -The speaker acknowledges that liberation from people-pleasing is challenging and comes with a cost, including the risk of disappointing loved ones and facing self-doubt.

  • How does the speaker want to inspire future generations?

    -The speaker hopes to set an example for their daughters by demonstrating the importance of pursuing one's dreams and living authentically, regardless of societal expectations.

Outlines

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Related Tags
People PleasingComedyCultural IdentitySelf-DiscoveryEmotional HealthEmpowermentWomen in EngineeringFamily DynamicsStand-Up ComedyPersonal Growth