How to talk to someone who is grieving

Summary

Caitlin Doughty, a mortician and advocate for death awareness, highlights three phrases to avoid when comforting someone who is grieving: 'I know how you feel,' 'They're in a better place,' and 'Don't worry, you'll get over it soon.' Each statement fails to acknowledge the uniqueness of individual grief experiences. Instead, Doughty emphasizes the importance of expressing genuine sympathy, asking how the grieving person is, and offering practical support in the weeks following a loss. She underscores that grief is a personal journey that should be honored without judgment.

Takeaways

• 😔 Never say 'I know how you feel' to someone grieving, as each person's grief is unique.
• 💭 Avoid saying 'They're in a better place' since beliefs about the afterlife vary.
• ⏳ Don't suggest 'Don't worry, you'll get over it soon' because grief has no set timeline.
• 🤝 The best response to someone grieving is 'I'm so sorry. I have no idea how you feel.'
• ❓ Ask 'How are you?' and allow the grieving person to share as much as they want.
• 🍲 Offer practical support, like bringing food or helping with tasks, especially weeks after the loss.
• 📅 Understand that support often dwindles after the initial grieving period; show continued presence.
• 💔 Grief includes both good days and bad days; it's a complex emotional experience.
• 🌈 Allow the grieving person to lead conversations about their feelings and experiences.
• 👐 Being there for someone in grief means showing up consistently over time.

Q & A

What is Caitlin Doughty's profession?

Caitlin Doughty is a mortician and an advocate for death awareness and acceptance.

What is the first phrase that Doughty advises against saying to someone who is grieving?

"I know how you feel" is the first phrase she advises against because grief is unique to each individual.

Why is saying 'They're in a better place' considered unhelpful?

This phrase can be dismissive and assumes a shared belief about the afterlife, which may not resonate with the grieving person.

What does Doughty say about the timeline of grief?

She emphasizes that grief has no set timeline, with individuals experiencing both good and bad days, making it crucial to allow them to grieve at their own pace.

What is one alternative phrase Doughty suggests using instead?

Instead of the phrases to avoid, she suggests saying, "I'm so sorry; I have no idea how you feel," which acknowledges the person's unique grief.

How can asking 'How are you?' help someone who is grieving?

This question allows the grieving person to dictate the conversation and share as much or as little as they wish about their feelings.

What is the significance of long-term support for someone grieving?

Long-term support is important because initial waves of support often fade, and continuing to check in helps the grieving person feel less alone.

What practical support does Doughty recommend offering?

She recommends offering practical support, such as bringing food or helping with tasks, to show ongoing care and presence.

Why does Doughty mention the feeling of being 'radioactive' to grieving individuals?

She describes this feeling to illustrate how some may feel isolated or avoided by others after the initial support fades.

What is the overall message Caitlin Doughty conveys about supporting someone who is grieving?

The overall message is that empathy, presence, and allowing the grieving person to express their feelings are essential in supporting them through their journey.