Navigating a mid-life crisis | Saliha Afridi | TEDxAlQuoz

Summary

The speaker, a clinical psychologist, shares insights from their work with clients, highlighting a common journey many people embark on. The journey begins with following a metaphorical map provided by society, which outlines a path to fulfillment. However, upon reaching adulthood and achieving societal milestones, individuals often find themselves unfulfilled. This leads to a search for meaning, which can manifest in various ways, including seeking youth, new careers, or relationships. The speaker emphasizes that the search for meaning is universal and not confined to midlife, as it can be triggered by life-altering experiences at any age. They offer seven key learnings to navigate this journey, focusing on the importance of inner exploration, confronting past wounds, embracing pain as a catalyst for growth, moving towards wholeness, enduring a 'dark night' of the soul, becoming one's own hero, and understanding that the journey itself is the destination. The speaker encourages the audience to answer the call to self-discovery and authenticity, as it is the path to true contentment and inner peace.

Takeaways

• 🧭 The metaphorical map given by society outlines a path to fulfillment, but many find the promised treasure of contentment and peace is not at the end.
• 🔄 Life stages often involve societal expectations, but reaching these milestones doesn't always equate to a sense of fulfillment.
• 🔍 When external achievements no longer provide satisfaction, it's a signal to embark on an inner journey towards self-discovery and authenticity.
• 🌐 The search for meaning is universal and not confined to a specific age, gender, or list of accomplishments.
• 🔙 Encountering setbacks may indicate the need to revisit and resolve unresolved issues from the past to reclaim energy for the future.
• 🔥 Pain and challenges are the raw materials necessary for personal growth and transformation, akin to the 'prima materia' in alchemy.
• ⚖️ The journey towards wholeness involves integrating different aspects of oneself, which can manifest in various life changes.
• 🌑 The 'dark night of the soul' is a period of intense introspection and transformation, necessary for personal evolution.
• 💪 Becoming one's own hero involves taking a heroic path that requires personal effort and the courage to face one's fears and insecurities.
• 🧘‍♂️ Cultivating a relationship with one's inner guide can provide valuable insights and support during the journey of self-discovery.
• 🏔 The journey to inner peace is challenging but ultimately rewarding, leading to a life lived authentically and with purpose.

Q & A

What is the metaphorical map mentioned in the transcript?

The metaphorical map is a guide provided by society, family, and other institutions that outlines the expected path in life, promising fulfillment and contentment if followed.

Why do people often feel unfulfilled even after achieving societal milestones?

People may feel unfulfilled because the societal milestones, while part of the journey, do not constitute the whole of life's purpose. There is often a deeper search for meaning and authenticity that these achievements do not satisfy.

What does the speaker suggest is the cause of the void that people feel despite their achievements?

The void is caused by a lack of connection with one's authentic self and a failure to address and heal the wounded parts of oneself. It is a sign that one needs to embark on an inner journey.

Why does the speaker say that the journey towards wholeness might involve going back to unresolved issues from the past?

Going back to unresolved issues is necessary to reclaim energy and to heal the split-off parts of oneself. This process is crucial for entering the second half of life with a renewed sense of purpose and authenticity.

What is the 'prima materia' in the context of the speaker's discussion?

The 'prima materia' refers to the initial substance or the pain experienced in one's life that is necessary to start the transformative process, akin to the great work in alchemy.

How does the speaker describe the process of moving towards wholeness in adulthood?

The process involves integrating unexpressed aspects of oneself, allowing for the full expression of one's potential. This may include changes in life direction, such as independent people settling down or codependent people breaking away from defining relationships.

What does the 'dark night' mentioned in the transcript signify?

The 'dark night' is a period of intense introspection and transformation where one feels disconnected from previously enjoyed activities and relationships. It represents a gestation period necessary for the rebirth of one's authentic self.

Why is it important to be one's own hero during this transformative journey?

Being one's own hero signifies taking personal responsibility for the journey of self-discovery and healing. While guides and companions can be helpful, there are aspects of the journey that each individual must face alone.

What is the significance of the 'holy trail' mentioned at the end of the transcript?

The 'holy trail' symbolizes the realization that the journey itself is the destination. It emphasizes that the process of self-discovery and transformation is more important than any external treasure or achievement.

How does the speaker suggest one should respond to the 'call' of a deeper life purpose?

The speaker encourages individuals to answer the call by embarking on a journey of self-exploration and healing. This involves facing one's inner wounds, reclaiming energy from unresolved issues, and living a life aligned with one's personal values.

What is the role of an inner guide in the journey towards authenticity?

The inner guide is a source of wisdom and intuition within each individual that can help navigate the journey of self-discovery. Cultivating a relationship with this inner guide is crucial for finding one's way through the transformative process.

Outlines

00:00

🗺️ The Map of Life's Journey

The speaker, a clinical psychologist, discusses the common pattern they've observed in people's life journeys. They note that individuals often start feeling stuck or adrift when they've achieved societal milestones but still lack a deep sense of fulfillment. The speaker aims to share seven key learnings that can help transform these feelings of being lost into a sense of connection, purpose, and groundedness. The metaphorical map given by family and society outlines a path with promises of fulfillment, but upon reaching adulthood's apex, many find the promised treasure of contentment and peace is missing.

05:02

🔍 Searching for the Missing Treasure

The speaker elaborates on the quest for meaning that arises when external achievements no longer provide a sense of fulfillment. Individuals may try to recapture youth, seek new experiences, or change their lifestyles in an attempt to fill the void. The speaker acknowledges that this search is not limited to midlife but can happen at any age, especially when faced with life-altering experiences. They introduce the concept that the second half of life is about an inner journey towards one's authentic self, emphasizing that the path forward involves delving into one's psyche and addressing unresolved issues from the past.

10:03

🌑 The Dark Night of the Soul

The third paragraph delves into the process of transformation, where individuals confront their inner pain and unfinished business from childhood. This pain is described as the 'prima materia' or the essential starting material needed for the 'magnum opus' or great work of self-discovery. The speaker explains that the second half of life involves moving towards wholeness, where unexpressed aspects of oneself emerge. This process can involve a 'dark night of the soul,' a period of intense introspection and transformation, similar to the metamorphosis of a caterpillar or the growth of a seed.

15:05

🏆 Becoming Your Own Hero

The final paragraph focuses on the heroic journey of self-discovery and the necessity of being one's own hero. The speaker advises that while guides and companions can be helpful, there are aspects of this journey that each individual must face alone. They emphasize the importance of connecting with one's inner guide and the lifelong nature of this quest. The speaker concludes by stressing that true peace and contentment come from living authentically and bringing one's unique gift to the world. They encourage the audience to answer the call to this journey, regardless of their age, and to embrace the transformative process as the destination itself.

Keywords

💡Life Journey

The concept of life journey refers to the personal path one takes through life, including experiences, challenges, and growth. In the video, it is depicted as a metaphorical map given by society and family that outlines the expected path to fulfillment. The speaker discusses how individuals often find themselves feeling unfulfilled despite following this prescribed journey, leading to a search for deeper meaning.

💡Fulfillment

Fulfillment is a state of being satisfied and content with one's life. The video script describes the pursuit of fulfillment as a primary goal, with the metaphorical 'treasure' at the end of the life journey representing this sense of contentment. However, the speaker notes that many people do not find the expected fulfillment even after achieving societal milestones, which triggers a deeper search for meaning.

💡Stuck

Feeling stuck is a state of being trapped or unable to move forward, often due to a lack of progress or change. In the context of the video, individuals may feel stuck when they reach a point in their life where they have achieved the expected goals but still lack a sense of fulfillment, prompting them to seek new paths or revisit past experiences in search of meaning.

💡Authentic Self

The authentic self refers to the true essence of a person, unfiltered by societal expectations or external pressures. The speaker emphasizes the importance of embarking on an inner journey to discover and connect with one's authentic self, which is a key part of finding fulfillment and purpose in the second half of life.

💡Wholeness

Wholeness is the state of being complete or undivided. The video discusses the pursuit of wholeness as a central task in the second half of life, where individuals strive to integrate all aspects of themselves, including the unexpressed or suppressed parts, to become fully realized and authentic versions of themselves.

💡Dark Night of the Soul

The 'dark night of the soul' is a term used to describe a period of intense emotional and spiritual crisis, often associated with feelings of despair, loss, and a sense of being lost. In the video, this concept is used to illustrate the deep internal struggle one may go through when confronting their inner self and the need to transform and heal in order to find their true path.

💡Magnum Opus

The term 'magnum opus', derived from alchemy, refers to the greatest work one can create or achieve in their life. In the video, it is associated with the process of turning one's life experiences, including pain and challenges, into a transformative journey towards becoming one's authentic self.

💡Prima Materia

Prima materia, in alchemical tradition, is the essential substance or base material from which all things are derived. In the context of the video, the speaker uses this term to describe the pain and experiences that serve as the starting point for personal transformation and the creation of one's 'great work' or magnum opus.

💡Hero's Journey

The hero's journey is a narrative framework that describes the stages a character goes through in their quest for self-discovery and growth. The video script applies this concept to the personal development process, where individuals must take on the role of their own hero, facing internal and external challenges to achieve authenticity and fulfillment.

💡Inner Guide

An inner guide refers to the intuitive or inner wisdom that individuals can tap into for guidance and insight. The speaker suggests that everyone has an inner guide that can help navigate the journey towards self-discovery and authenticity, and encourages the audience to cultivate a relationship with this inner wisdom.

💡Lifelong Journey

A lifelong journey implies a continuous process of personal growth and development that lasts a person's entire life. The video emphasizes that the pursuit of self-understanding and fulfillment is not a one-time event but an ongoing process that involves repeated cycles of healing, learning, and transformation.

Highlights

The journey of life is guided by a metaphorical map given by family and society

People feel stuck or lost when they reach the 'apex of adulthood' but don't find fulfillment

Seven key learnings can help transition from feeling lost to feeling connected, purposeful and grounded

The first half of life is about accomplishing tasks and building a sense of self

The second half of life is about taking an inner journey towards your authentic self

Feeling like you're taking one step forward and three steps back means you need to go back and tend to unfinished business

The pain you've experienced is the necessary starting material for your 'great work' as an adult

The second half of life is a journey towards wholeness, where unexpressed parts of you come to the surface

You will go through a 'dark night' where life loses its taste and you are pulled to the depths of yourself

There is a shift from motivation (pushing yourself) to inspiration (being pulled towards your calling)

You need to be your own hero on this journey, with the help of an inner guide

The journey is a tough terrain but it is the only path to inner peace and fulfillment

Each person has a unique gift they must bring into the world as their 'debt' to life

The journey is a lifelong spiral where you keep coming to the same wound at different layers

With every pain you heal, you assume more spiritual authenticity, authority and live with courage and commitment

The journey itself is the destination - there is no 'treasure' at the end, you are the treasure

Answering the call to this journey is essential, whether it comes as a whisper or a loud call

Transcripts

i have worked as a guide and a witness

as i have companioned people on their

life journey

as in my work as a clinical psychologist

having worked with hundreds of clients i

have noticed a pattern about the journey

and i want to share that with you today

i've also noticed when and why people

start to feel a bit stuck or they start

to feel like they're drifting through

life and then lastly i want to share

with you seven

key learnings

which will help you to go from feeling

lost

lonely

and disillusioned

to feeling

connected purposeful

and grounded

so before i go into this talk i really

want you guys to just

open yourself up

and see if what i am talking about or

what i'm sharing with you guys today

resonates with you guys and if you can

see yourself in any part of this journey

all right

let's begin

okay so the journey begins something

like this

when we're born we're given

a metaphorical map

we are given this map by people like

family society

and this map charts out the path we have

to follow

and if we follow this path it is

promised

we will get to a place marked with an x

and there will be the treasure

treasure being a sense of fulfillment a

sense of contentment

peace

so

because we trust these family members

and we trust these institutions we take

this map

and we start on our journey without

question

and debate

and every seven years the journey shifts

a little bit

7

14

21

28

33

we do everything that is expected of us

we go to school

we go to college we graduate get a

degree

get a job become financially independent

we find a partner we settle down have a

kid or two or four

and we

we do everything basically we we travel

we buy nice things

and then one day we're like okay i got

this

i think i've gotten here i've arrived

i'm at the apex of adulthood and i think

this is it this is the place marked with

an x

but there's no treasure

we look around

we look for some sense of contentment

some sense of fulfillment and sure there

were moments where we felt really happy

and there were moments where we felt

really proud but that deep sense of

fulfillment

it's not there it's not there

so

we go off into google websites

we go to spiritual retreats definitely

go to the bookstore and start

downloading all kinds of content and

saying okay give me some clue give me

something that tells me that

where i'm supposed to go from here i've

gotten here i've done everything where

am i supposed to go from here

we find nothing and right around this

time we start to hear things like

it's all downhill from here

and we think well that can't be it

it can't be that i'm just supposed to

hit the cruise control button and just

like ride out the rest of my days that

not feel right

it's also right around this time that we

start to hear things you know we've

heard these things before but like it

really starts to stand out right around

that time where 50 is the new 30

and 40 is the new 20. so we think oh

that's it

maybe i missed something back there

maybe i just need to go back there and

start and find something maybe i'll find

the treasure back there

so

we go back and this is when you start to

see adults

living out the glory days of adolescence

you know where they're

clinging tightly onto their youth their

self-image there's some sense of

relevance

there's also the time you start to see

people searching for meaning

and purpose or fulfillment

in the offices of plastic surgeons

maybe in new careers

far away land travels

or in younger romantic partners

but with every attempt

with every attempt the void gets bigger

and this is probably right around the

time where depression

and anxiety starts to show up on the

path and soon after you will see

addictions show up

because we need something to numb

or distract ourselves from this growing

angst inside of us

so yeah sound familiar yup sounds like a

midlife crisis yes

well

i'm sure the next question is going to

be

does it only happen at midlife because

i'm sure that there are some 25 or 29

year olds here thinking hey that sounds

like me

well

the answer is yes and no

yes

for a lot of us it does actually take us

35 to 40 years to go through all of the

checklists and all of the outwardly

achievements to realize that wait

that's part of the journey the the

achievements are part of it but it's not

the whole thing

and no because

i have noticed in my work that people

are arriving to this place a whole lot

earlier

and that's probably because the maps of

yesterday are just not as relevant today

right the institutions don't hold the

same amount of weight

marriage college parenthood

people don't want some of these things

anymore it's not that cookie-cutter way

of doing things anymore

but it's also not just age that sort of

results in a person having this

search for meaning

it also could be

a um a life shattering experience that

they have early in life earlier in life

for example

oh wait but life chattering i mean

reality shattering experience so for

example

it could be a diagnosis of an illness

that you or someone that you love gets

it could also be a death of a loved one

someone very close to you

or a great betrayal that you experience

that rocks your world and makes you

question everything you believe

to be good and true

in any case

and in every case

the search for meaning is universal

the search for something other than our

outwardly experiences

is universal so it doesn't matter your

age

it doesn't matter what you've

accomplished it actually doesn't matter

if you're man or woman

if you invested your whole life

into

adjusting and adapting and achieving and

accomplishing

you will arrive at a place in your point

you will arrive at a place in your life

where you will

long for something more

so what do you do when you get to this

place now some of you might already be

here so

i will tell you what to do

but some of you might already be here

and i

assure you some of you will get here at

some point so take note

so i will share with you seven key

learnings

that will help you navigate the path

forward

okay

so the first one

is

when

everything in the outside world

loses

its meaning when you no longer can feel

fulfilled from anything in the outside

world that is when you are being

summoned that is when you are being

initiated into the inner world

the first half of life is really about

accomplishing tasks it really is about

accomplishing a sense of self

but the second half of adulthood is

really about taking the inner journey

towards your authentic self

and no it doesn't mean that you no

longer achieve and you no longer

accomplish don't worry you still get to

do those things

but how you do those things

and why you do those things

changes

the second thing is

if you feel like you're taking one step

forward

and three steps back

that's probably because you need to go

back

and while it isn't downhill from here it

sure is down under

you will need to go to the depths of you

you will need to go to the wounded and

split off parts of you

where

that lay dormant since you were a

childhood

you will

need

to

tend to all of that unfinished business

to reclaim energy to do the second half

of life

now if you don't

do that if you don't go back and you

finish the unfinished business

you will come to a point in your life

where you will start to feel weighed

down you'll feel stuck you feel burnt

out you feel diseased

and so

um you need that you need to reclaim

that energy for the second half

now you know all those times where you

said oh what doesn't kill me makes me

stronger or those times when you said oh

it's all for the best and you sort of

spiritually bypassed experiencing those

difficult feelings let me just

move on

that's probably where you need to start

okay

that's where you are going to reclaim

recollect

and remember

who you are

the third thing

you know that pain

all that pain you experienced it wasn't

for nothing

the pain is the prima materia

in the tradition of alchemy

they call the necessary starting

material the prima materia

and you need the prima materia to do the

magnum opus the great work

the great work being

the

the great work being

turning lead into gold

and so now as an adult you finally have

the opportunity and you have the

capacity to do your magnum opus

your great work

and that is to reclaim your authentic

self

number four

you will meet the other side of you

now you'll also start to say things

around this time that goes something

like this i don't know what's gotten

into me i just i'm acting not like

myself or i've never been like this i

don't know i'm not sure what this is

about well that's precisely what's

supposed to happen at around this time

because see the second half of life the

task of the second half of life

is to move towards wholeness okay so all

that unexpressed stuff inside of you is

gonna come to the surface and i'm not

saying this is one side better than the

other this is moving towards wholeness

so you can be fully and holy yourself

your full potential

you'll also see things like you know

independent people having this urge

to settle down and get married and have

children you'll see like really

codependent people

actually break off from these really

defining relationships

this is all part of the great plan

all of this is supposed to happen

this is a journey towards wholeness

number five

now

all the previous points sort of

culminate into the fifth point which is

that you will go through a dark night

and it will be a dark dark night i've

had some clients tell me that it feels

like death

it certainly will feel like a great

depression

this is when all the life force is

pulled from anything that you enjoy all

the things you used to enjoy all the

people you used to like to hang out with

food doesn't taste the same nothing

feels the same i feel bored

i feel it's everything loses its taste

this is when the psyche is pulling you

under this is where you are to go to the

depths of you

and i've heard also clients say things

like well i just don't feel motivated

anymore by anything

and there will be a period of gestation

where you are going from motivation to

inspiration

so let me explain what that means

motivation is where you have to push

yourself to move towards something

where inspiration is where you are

pulled

towards the calling so there is a period

where you will have to wait where one

part of you is laid to rest and another

part of you is awakening

and in the alchemy in the tradition of

alchemy they say as above

so below and so if we look at nature if

we look at the caterpillar

it must endure some darkness in the

chrysalis as it transforms into a

butterfly

and the seed must be buried in the

depths of the earth before it rises up

onto the earth as the great oak tree

just like that you will too

need to endure a sense

of loss

pain

sadness grief

where parts of you are being laid to

rest and the other parts of you are

rising and awakening into your authentic

self

transforming into your authentic self

number six

you will

need to be your own hero

now there are some of you that are like

i'm doing this i'm gonna keep doing the

same thing i've been doing i'm gonna

ride out the rest of the days

no thank you

you know what and those people will have

their journey and it will look just like

the way it did last year and the year

before that however

if you choose to answer this call

and you take this heroic quest let me

tell you honestly it is not for the

faint at heart

you are gonna have to dig deep and

you're gonna have to pull out the hero

and sure there will be companions and i

absolutely suggest you have a guide i

absolutely suggest you have a guide but

there will be some things that you will

need to do

on your own all alone

just part of the plan

and the good news is that we all have an

inner guide we have an inner guide that

we have had our whole life and at this

point you now have even more access to

it and so if you don't have a

relationship with that inner guide i

would really suggest you start

cultivating that now

and then lastly

know that this is a tough terrain

yes it is a tough terrain but it is the

only path to inner peace

guys

we

our life means something

and each person's

life means something different

and each person has a different gift

that they must bring into this world

and that is our debt

to life

you will never

find peace and contentment

until you repay this debt and until you

bring your personal gift

into this world

so

the journey from here on

it will actually be a lifelong journey

and it will be a spiral it will be

circular and you will keep coming to the

same wound just a different layer with a

different perspective a different sense

of wisdom and you will keep doing the

work and that's it that's the lifelong

journey

and the more you do the work with every

pain you transform with every pain that

you heal

you start to assume your spiritual

authenticity and your spiritual

authority

with every pain that you transform

you will start to live your personal

values with courage and commitment

you will live consciously and less

reactively

you

will stand fully and freely in your

power and not shackled to fear or

need for approval

and so

one day you will come to a point

where it will feel like homecoming

it will actually feel like freedom

and as you walk the path there will be a

point where you get to where you will

realize that there was no treasure there

never was there is no treasure you are

the treasure there is no holy grail only

a holy trail

and you will realize that the journey

was the destination

so i want to leave you with these few

parting words

for the younger ones i want to say that

you know at some point or another you

guys will get the call it's a little bit

ways away perhaps it's a little bit of a

whisper this isn't it this isn't it for

the older ones it's getting louder this

isn't it this isn't it right there's

something more

and i do hope whenever whenever you get

that call

i do hope that you answer it

thank you guys