Mastering Manhood: 20 Things Men Should Have By 40

Summary

The speaker shares his beliefs on the essential attributes and experiences every man should have achieved by age 40, emphasizing the importance of self-discovery, personal style, financial responsibility, and the ability to connect with others. He discusses the value of having diverse life experiences, from broken bones to international travel, and the significance of mentoring, emotional expression, and maintaining a healthy lifestyle. The list extends beyond material possessions to include intangible qualities like resilience, forgiveness, and the capacity for personal growth and rebirth.

Takeaways

• 🎯 Develop a clear sense of purpose or be on the path to finding one, understanding that it may evolve over time.
• 👕 Cultivate your own unique sense of style that is not solely influenced by others or trends.
• 💳 Establish good credit reflecting responsibility and financial stability.
• 📖 Collect a set of personal stories that can be engagingly shared with others.
• 🦴 Embrace life experiences, including physical challenges like breaking a bone, as they add character.
• 🌍 Have a well-traveled history symbolized by stamps in your passport, showcasing a willingness to explore the world.
• 💖 Be open to expressing love to other men, fostering deeper connections and emotional maturity.
• 🚫 Set healthy boundaries with parents to maintain balanced relationships and personal autonomy.
• 💼 Prioritize savings and investments, demonstrating forward-thinking and financial responsibility.
• 👖 Invest in clothing, particularly jeans and t-shirts, that fit well and are appropriate for your body shape.
• 🥗 Adopt a healthy diet and regular exercise routine to maintain physical health as metabolism slows with age.
• 🚗 Master practical skills like parallel parking, showcasing coordination and consideration for others.

Q & A

What is the speaker's approach to sharing his life story and experiences?

The speaker prefers to document his story through his podcast and YouTube, rather than social media, as it allows for more in-depth and honest conversations without the pressure and constraints of short-form content.

How does the speaker view the concept of 'purpose' in life?

The speaker believes that purpose is not a singular, static concept but rather something that changes throughout one's life as they evolve. He emphasizes the importance of having a purpose by age 40 and exploring it if one hasn't found it yet.

What personal example does the speaker share about finding one's own style?

The speaker shares his experience of initially disliking the idea of wearing sandals with socks, but eventually embracing it with a sense of personal style and comfort, even as an Asian-American man, showing that style can be individual and adaptive.

Why does the speaker mention the importance of good credit for a man by age 40?

Good credit signifies responsibility and financial stability. The speaker argues that by 40, a man should have established a good credit history, which is beneficial for making significant purchases like a car or a house and reflects on one's character.

What does the speaker suggest about the value of storytelling?

The speaker believes that having a collection of stories to share is important as it allows one to connect with others, whether at a social gathering or with future generations. It also demonstrates one's ability to communicate and entertain.

How does the speaker feel about physical challenges, such as breaking a bone?

The speaker views physical challenges, like having broken a bone, as a sign of having lived a full and adventurous life. He suggests that avoiding such experiences might indicate a overly cautious or safe lifestyle.

What does the speaker mean by 'stamps on your passport'?

The speaker uses 'stamps on your passport' as a metaphor for travel experiences. He believes that by age 40, one should have traveled enough to have diverse experiences and stories to share.

Why is the speaker advocating for men to express love towards each other?

The speaker emphasizes the importance of emotional expression among men. He feels that openly saying 'I love you' to other men is a healthy and affirming practice that is often undervalued in male relationships.

How does the speaker describe the significance of setting healthy boundaries with parents?

The speaker views healthy boundaries with parents as crucial for maintaining one's independence and personal relationships. He shares his personal experience of setting boundaries with his father to illustrate the importance of standing up for one's needs and not allowing others to overstep.

What advice does the speaker have regarding savings and financial planning?

The speaker advises that by age 40, one should have started saving money and planning for the future, whether through investments, a 401k, or other savings mechanisms. He sees this as a reflection of responsibility and foresight.

Outlines

00:00

🎙️ Podcast and Personal Growth

The speaker discusses their content creation process, emphasizing the importance of authenticity and depth in conversations. They prefer starting on their podcast and YouTube, where they can document their story and have meaningful dialogues, over social media's short-form content. The speaker believes that by age 40, one should have a variety of life experiences and a clear sense of self, including a purpose that may evolve over time. They share their personal journey from aspiring screenwriter to a therapist and content creator, highlighting the value of personal growth and helping others.

05:01

👕 Developing Personal Style

The speaker talks about the importance of having a personal style by age 40, influenced neither by friends nor media. They share their personal transformation from rejecting the idea of wearing sandals with socks to embracing it as a fashion statement. The speaker encourages listeners to be comfortable with their choices and to define their style, even if it doesn't align with societal norms. They use their own experiences with fashion choices, such as wearing overalls, to illustrate how personal style can change and develop over time.

10:02

💳 Financial Responsibility

The speaker emphasizes the importance of having good credit by age 40, viewing it as a reflection of one's responsibility and financial management skills. They argue that good credit is essential for major life purchases like cars and houses and is a sign of having been financially responsible. The speaker also uses humor to highlight the significance of credit, comparing it favorably to other attributes like physical attributes, and stresses that having good credit is a testament to one's character.

15:04

🎉 Cultivating Stories and Memories

The speaker believes that by age 40, a person should have a collection of stories to share with others. These stories should be entertaining and engaging, capable of captivating a group of strangers or one's grandkids. The speaker values the art of storytelling and suggests that the ability to tell a good story is a reflection of one's life experiences and social skills. They emphasize that these stories should be well-practiced and told in a way that elicits a positive response from the audience.

20:05

🤕 Embracing Life's Challenges

The speaker humorously suggests that having at least one broken bone by age 40 is a sign of a well-lived life, indicating that one has taken risks and been adventurous. They share a personal anecdote of breaking their wrist while playing football as a child, highlighting the importance of life experiences that shape one's character. The speaker uses this story to illustrate the value of overcoming challenges and the lessons learned from such incidents.

25:06

🌍 Travel and Life Experiences

The speaker encourages travel as a way to gain new experiences and broaden one's horizons by age 40. They believe that travel should not be seen as an 'extra' but rather an integral part of life. The speaker reflects on their own lack of travel in their 20s due to a perception that one must be successful first to enjoy such experiences. They advocate for the importance of having stamps on one's passport as a symbol of a life well-lived and the richness of experiences gained through travel.

30:07

💖 Expressing Love and Affection

The speaker talks about the importance of expressing love and affection towards other men by age 40. They share their appreciation for when other men tell them 'I love you' and admit that while it might be harder for them to say it first, they recognize the value and emotional connection it creates. The speaker sees this expression of love as a sign of close friendship and believes it strengthens bonds between men.

🚫 Setting Healthy Boundaries

The speaker discusses the necessity of setting healthy boundaries with one's parents by age 40. They share a personal story of establishing boundaries with their own father, highlighting the importance of standing up for oneself and not allowing parents to unduly interfere in one's life. The speaker emphasizes that having the courage to draw boundaries is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships and personal well-being.

💰 Financial Planning and Savings

The speaker stresses the importance of having savings and investment by age 40. They argue that financial stability is not only about trust and security in relationships but also a reflection of one's character and foresight. The speaker suggests that being financially responsible, whether through a 401k or other savings, is a sign of maturity and planning for the future.

👖 Prioritizing Fit and Comfort in Clothing

The speaker talks about the importance of wearing well-fitting clothes, including jeans and t-shirts, by age 40. They believe that clothes should be comfortable and appropriate for one's body shape, without revealing too much or being overly tight. The speaker emphasizes that dressing well not only makes one feel good but also presents a positive image to others.

🥗 Adopting a Healthy Lifestyle

The speaker highlights the need for a healthy diet and exercise routine by age 40, acknowledging that metabolism slows down with age. They advocate for a balanced approach to eating and staying active, without being overly restrictive or extreme. The speaker emphasizes that taking care of one's health is essential for both personal well-being and maintaining a positive self-image.

🚗 Mastering Basic Skills

The speaker lists various skills they believe every man should possess by age 40, such as the ability to parallel park, wear appropriate shoes for different occasions, and cry when moved by emotion. They also mention the importance of being able to complete a crossword puzzle without assistance, indicating a level of knowledge and life experience. The speaker values these skills as markers of maturity and self-sufficiency.

🧠 Emotional Intelligence and Mentorship

The speaker discusses the importance of emotional intelligence, including the ability to cry, express love, and mentor others by age 40. They believe that being able to mentor younger individuals is a sign of having lived and learned enough to give back to the community. The speaker also emphasizes the value of emotional expression as a sign of emotional health and the ability to connect with others on a deeper level.

🎉 Social Skills and Self-Reliance

The speaker talks about the importance of having social skills that allow one to feel comfortable in social settings, whether alone or with others, by age 40. They emphasize the need for confidence in social situations and the ability to engage in a firm handshake as a sign of trustworthiness. The speaker also highlights the value of being able to enjoy one's own company and make independent decisions.

💡 Personal Development and Forgiveness

The speaker discusses the importance of personal development, including the ability to forgive and experience rebirth by age 40. They believe in the value of self-reflection and personal growth, as well as the need to let go of past hurts to move forward in life. The speaker also mentions additional skills and attributes, such as being magnanimous, understanding mental load in relationships, and knowing how to use chopsticks, as markers of a well-rounded individual.

🛠 Skills and Life Experiences

The speaker lists various skills and experiences they believe every man should have by age 40, such as knowing how to change a flat tire, cook a meal without a microwave, and build something from scratch. They also mention the importance of understanding one's impact on the world and having a sense of purpose. The speaker encourages embracing life's challenges and opportunities to learn and grow, ultimately shaping a fulfilling life journey.

Keywords

💡Purpose

The term 'purpose' refers to the reason, objective, or mission in one's life. In the context of the video, it is emphasized that purpose is not a singular, static concept but evolves with personal growth. The speaker shares their journey from aspiring screenwriter to a therapist, highlighting the shift in their purpose over time. The importance of having a purpose by age 40 is underscored as it provides direction and meaning to one's life.

💡Style

Referring to one's personal fashion or manner of doing things, 'style' in the video signifies individuality and self-expression. The speaker advocates for developing a unique sense of style that is not influenced by external trends or others' opinions. It's about being comfortable and confident in one's choices, as exemplified by the speaker's choice to wear sandals with socks and overalls, despite societal norms.

💡Credit

In the context of the video, 'credit' is not only about financial standing but also an indicator of responsibility and financial management. Having good credit by age 40 reflects one's ability to manage finances effectively, pay bills on time, and make significant purchases like a car or a house. It's a measure of one's reliability and economic stability.

💡Stories

The term 'stories' refers to personal experiences or anecdotes that one can share with others. In the video, having a collection of stories to tell is seen as a valuable asset, as it allows for connection and entertainment in social settings. It's about having a rich tapestry of experiences and the ability to convey them in an engaging manner.

💡Broken Bone

A 'broken bone' in the video serves as a metaphor for life experiences that test and shape a person's character. The speaker suggests that having experienced a broken bone by age 40 indicates a level of risk-taking and adventure in one's life, which is a sign of living life fully and not being overly cautious.

💡Passport Stamps

In the video, 'passport stamps' symbolize travel and exposure to different cultures and experiences. Having multiple stamps in one's passport by age 40 reflects a well-rounded life that includes exploration and learning from various environments. It's an indicator of openness to new experiences and personal growth.

💡Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries refer to the limits one sets in relationships to maintain personal well-being and respect. In the video, establishing boundaries with parents, for instance, is discussed as crucial for independent living and nurturing one's own relationships. It signifies maturity and the ability to assert one's needs and protect one's personal space.

💡Savings

Savings represent the financial security and future planning of an individual. In the video, having savings or investments by age 40 is emphasized as a sign of responsibility and foresight. It's about being prepared for the future, building trust, and showing character through financial discipline.

💡Jeans that Fit

Jeans that fit well signify paying attention to one's appearance and comfort. In the video, the speaker advises that by age 40, a man should own a good pair of jeans that fit properly, reflecting self-care and an understanding of personal style. It's about looking presentable and feeling confident in one's attire.

💡Healthy Diet and Exercise

A healthy diet and exercise routine are essential for maintaining physical health and vitality. In the video, the speaker highlights the importance of adopting a balanced diet and regular exercise to counteract the natural slowing of metabolism with age. It's about taking care of one's body and ensuring longevity and well-being.

💡Parallel Parking

Parallel parking is a practical driving skill that reflects one's ability to control a vehicle in tight spaces. In the video, the speaker suggests that by age 40, a man should be proficient in parallel parking, indicating experience and competence behind the wheel. It's about efficiency and ensuring the comfort and safety of passengers.

Highlights

The importance of having a purpose by age 40, with the understanding that one's purpose can evolve over time.

Developing one's own sense of style, independent of friends or media influences.

The anecdote about the speaker's personal style evolution, including wearing sandals with socks and overalls.

The significance of good credit as an indicator of responsibility and financial stability.

The value of having a collection of stories to share, reflecting life experiences and the ability to engage others.

The idea that having broken a bone by age 40 suggests a life of adventure and risk-taking.

The necessity of having traveled and having stamps on one's passport as a sign of exposure to different cultures and experiences.

The ability to express love towards other men as a sign of emotional maturity and connection.

Establishing healthy boundaries with one's parents to maintain independence and respect in relationships.

The importance of having savings or investments by age 40 as a demonstration of forward planning and financial responsibility.

Owning well-fitting jeans and T-shirts as a reflection of self-awareness and presentation.

Maintaining a healthy diet and exercise routine to counteract the natural slowing of metabolism with age.

The ability to parallel park efficiently as a practical skill and a sign of competence.

The importance of having appropriate shoes that match one's style and the occasion.

The significance of allowing oneself to cry as a form of emotional expression and health.

Completing a crossword puzzle without assistance as a testament to one's knowledge and cognitive abilities.

The ability to mentor others by age 40, leveraging one's life experiences to guide younger individuals.

Possessing adequate social skills to comfortably navigate social situations and maintain independence.

The necessity of a firm handshake as a non-verbal cue of confidence and sincerity.

The ability to forgive as a critical skill for emotional well-being and maintaining positive relationships.

Experiencing a personal rebirth or transformation by age 40, demonstrating resilience and adaptability.

Transcripts

okay here are 20 things that I believe

every man should have by age

40 and by the way I think I'm going to

start here and what I mean by here is um

whether you're watching this on YouTube

or listening to this on my podcast um

I'm going to

start my content God I hate the word

content uh documenting my story

on my podcast SL YouTube and then let it

trickle into social media because um a

lot of times I will start on social

media and then go backwards and then try

to um create something on my podcast or

or YouTube and you know I've been

thinking lately that um I like this

space I like having

conversations on this giant table in my

garage there's something about me just

being in this space that

um it just conditions me the soil is

very rich in this space right here for

me to have an honest conversation I know

that social media can um just because

it's so short form it could feel very

pressured and then I feel like I'm I'm

being rushed and I can't just slow down

and be

myself why is this important well it

just I don't know I feel like you should

know I and I feel like here here's why

it's important because if you uh if you

if you listen to me or watch my stuff um

I want you to go first to the place

where it's most potent do you know what

I'm saying I I don't want I don't want

you to get the breadcrumbs of me I want

you to go to the well and that is going

to be um my podcastyoutube my podcast

and YouTube We I do it at the same time

so that is where I would like for you to

go

to get the most honest version of me and

then of course if you're on social media

you will see the you know breadcrumbs

and shorter Clips but um I would

rather you sit and watch the entire

movie not just the trailer does that

make sense all

right here are 20 things men should know

or men should have by age 40 number one

and I'm going to expand on these right

so number

one uh a purpose or the road to finding

one now I know the word purpose is

thrown around a lot uh you know here's

the thing our per purpose I don't think

that we only have one purpose right

throughout our lives I think that um you

know it's not like a single road that

leads to this giant Bell that we have to

you know hit at the end um we have

different purposes throughout our lives

and and and our purposes change as we

change and that's okay uh um I mean if

you look at my

story uh I thought my purpose was to be

a screenwriter in my 20s you know I

spent a lot of time in coffee shops um

thinking of clever dialogue and uh

creating act breaks

and a lot of time so much time that I

started to disconnect with self and

um I thought that was my purpose right

and then uh got a divorce went back to

school became a therapist and then my

purpose changed right and I think within

the purpose so now my purpose being um

to create a dialogue to help other

people um and the way I do it of course

is different so whether it's a session

or running groups or running a retreat

or writing a book you know there's

different ways to do it but my my North

Star is to um help others uh and and and

do it by documenting my story so uh the

approach I take isn't to just tell

people what to do or point fingers the

approach is um to kind of document my

story you know um someone who comes to

mind is like Anthony bouraine you know

who who like me was a late starter Late

Bloomer and um such a great

documentarian and also he was a such a

talented writer and a lot of that voice

over taking us on his inner Journey um

that's what I've been doing for 15 years

and so that's how I would like to help

people uh and I feel like that's my

purpose now within that there's other

purposes you know there's other things

that I feel line up with my mission that

can be more micro than macro right so

purpose isn't just one thing right it's

uh it can be multi-layered it can change

and I'm just saying that because I think

we put so much weight on the word

purpose but by age 40 if you don't have

a purpose I think you should definitely

be exploring finding one right number

two your own sense of stule

not based on friends or what you see in

magazines I mean you could be influenced

by um what you see in magazines or you

could be influenced by others but just

comfortable with your own sense of style

I want to show you something okay so if

you're listening um I have these I have

these first of all I told myself when I

was younger I would never I would never

especially being an Asian-American man

where um sandals with socks I used to I

used to see old people wear sandals with

socks and I would be like oh that's so

horrible that's never going to be me and

here I am age 50 I wear sandals with

socks every day but but they're not like

uh but they're they're cool sandals okay

so look at these okay these sandals I

think they're imported from Japan these

are called uh God S I can't even Su Coke

I can't even pronounce them but um look

one could look at these sandals and if

you're listening they they're it's a

black sand with a giant it looks like

something that you would wear if you

sprang your ankle right it looks like a

either something you that your doctor

gave you or or like an orthoped a friend

came over uh a friend of my partner

Vanessa came over and she said oh my God

John did you are you okay are those

orthopedic shoes and it really offended

me because to me this is

fashion my point is this I wear these

almost every day not only because

they're comfortable um but I think

they're cool they're different you know

they're not just normal sandals

and um I'm I as a 50-year-old man I feel

comfortable wearing these I'm G to rock

these sandals and that's what I

mean by style

now not everyone's going to like my

style not everyone's going to like your

style but you know you are you and so I

wear things that are comfortable and

things that I I I just started wearing

overalls and uh okay so this is a great

example I always thought growing up that

um overalls you could only pull off

overalls as a man if you're like tall

and skinny and you're tatted right like

a

musician um maybe like a surfer guy uh

and me being kind of shorter and and and

and a little more

stocky I I thought if I wore overalls I

would look like uh Super Mario Brothers

you know so I never I never had the

security to wear overalls if you buy

overalls and you have to cut the length

of them then you can't rock them you

shouldn't be wearing overalls right

that's what I thought

well I bought some

overalls and uh bought some black ones I

started wearing them um I I I rolled

them up at the bottom instead of cutting

them and I started getting compliments

and here's what's interesting I started

to get a lot of compliments from

strangers um like at coffee shops and

stuff from men it wasn't women men were

like oh those are cool I like those

where did you get those now I think the

compliments came from them

appreciating these on me but they or

most of them wouldn't have the courage

to buy them themselves does that make

sense and I say that because I was that

guy who I could see something and I

could say oh that looks great on you but

I can't either I can't pull it off or I

don't have the courage to

try so I have two overalls now one black

one forest green and um

it's my style I like them right and uh

sometimes I'll wear them with my

Orthopedic

sandals okay number three good

credit

uh Joe Koy

comedian has a joke about uh if you have

a small penis you better have good

credit and uh good credit actually is

better than a small penis because a

small penis can't buy your house it's

hilarious because I think it's

true um yeah good credit I mean I it

sounds kind of ridiculous but it's just

the world like buy 40 you should have

decent credit so you could buy things

like you you can you know go buy a car

or go buy a house like you shouldn't

have to use your parents credit uh

because it's not just about the credit

it's it's it's it just it's the fact

that you been responsible you know what

I'm saying um people with shitty credit

obviously have not been

responsible I mean I don't know maybe

something has happened in their life

that isn't their fault but

um good credit is earned you got to pay

bills on time right you you can't have

too many uh hash marks or delinquent

payments and so I think it's telling of

one's responsibility

character number four of the 20 things

men should have by

40 a collection of stories that you can

tell a group of strangers at a party or

with your grandkids one day you know

just some and ALS and also not only a

collection of stories but but the way

that you do it should be good you know

what I'm saying you've told these

stories many times

so you have hopefully learned how to

tell them in a way where they're

entertaining you know what I'm saying so

just some good campfire type

stories that people respond to that you

can pull out of your pocket at any

time and they better they better be told

in a way that is um entertaining

compelling funny

interesting number five a broken bone if

you're 40 and you've never broken a

bone man

um that's not a that's not a good sign

uh especially if I mean it just tells me

that you you were too safe and uh it

could be a finger right you don't have

to like break your ribs

um especially if you grew up in the 80s

where uh we were uh neglected and had no

supervision I mean everyone I've known

uh growing up has all broken bones um so

I broke

my uh my wrist I think it was a seventh

grade it's it's a funny story here's one

of my campfire stories I was uh playing

football and I was uh chasing after this

U kind of like pudgy heavy set kid and

he had a huge belly and I was trying to

tackle him and I was a tiny little I was

Tiny guy right a runt and my wrist went

into his

stomach and I think because the stomach

was so like uh so big it kind of pushed

back on my wrist and my wrist broke in

the stomach I broke my wrist in the

guy's stomach and I remember

um kind of falling to the ground there

was no pain just adrenaline and uh

looking down and seeing like my bone it

wasn't puncturing my skin but it was

making my skin come out like there was

something definitely wrong and I tried

to move it and I was like oh I can't

move my wrist didn't hurt yet picked up

my wrist with my other hand walked home

called my

mom my mom comes home takes me to the

hospital right still not in a lot of

pain like I can't move it uh the the you

know me breaking my wrist didn't hurt

that much um held it now here's

where it was one of the most painful

experiences of my life she takes me to

this Korean doctor and uh Korean

doctors in the 80s were all shady man

they I

don't dentist I have a whole dentist

story too about getting my wisdom tooth

pulled

and the

niky the Nike sign from the bottom of my

dentist sneaker being on my forehead

because couldn't get the tooth out some

back alley Korean dentist anyway

so my mom takes me to this Korean

doctor I barely meet him I mean I'm like

10 or 12 I'm a little kid he grabs my

hand and he starts talking to me to like

change the subject or distract me and he

breaks it again no

warning I I I almost passed out I

started screaming so hard I mean can you

imagine a 10-year-old old who just broke

his wrist a few hours ago is held by

someone who breaks it again with no

anesthesia nothing just re breaks it to

line it

up it it was uh it was the by far um the

most pain I've ever felt in my

life and I got to say I also I think

that year got circumcised I got

circumcised late because uh my brother I

noticed that we were different and we

didn't want to be different and and that

wasn't as painful getting my penis

chopped wasn't as painful as the crazy

Korean doctor re-breaking my

wrist after I broke it inside a chubby

kid playing

football all right number six at least

five stamps on your passport and as I'm

saying this I'm wondering how many

stamps I have I think I have I think

half five um you you have to go

somewhere you got to travel you know um

I'm saying this because I didn't I'm

saying this because uh when I was

growing up I thought travel and friends

were extra for you go become successful

like I thought you go find your soulmate

you know get married um go build a

business become successful and then you

make friends and travel and of course um

in my 20s I didn't become successful and

so I had no friends and I've never and I

never went anywhere so five stamps on

your passport number seven by the time

you're 40 men you tell another man you

love him I love when other men and I've

got a couple of my life like on the

phone we'll talk and then um they say

all right love you man I don't know I

just think it's sweet I think it's just

I think it's

needed and

um also it's it's it's hard for me to

say it's funny I like hearing it I like

when other men tell me they love me it

feels so good and then I I don't it's

hard for I say it back but I'm not the

first person to go you know what I'm

saying and I I I know I need to change

that uh uh it's easier for me to tell

women I love them obviously than men um

and something that I'm working on I can

do it but I can't be the first one all

right number eight healthy boundaries

with your parents if you're 40 and you

have no boundaries with your parents and

they're like getting into your life and

um affecting your relationships and you

know like if you're caught in the middle

between your partner or girlfriend uh

and your mom and they're going at it and

you just slip out the back door instead

of creating a stance and telling Mom

listen you can't you know come over at 2

in the morning we're not going to give

you your own key or whatever it is um

then that's a problem you should at this

point um have the courage to draw some

boundaries with your

parents my dad used to call me know my

dad used to page me 9 my dad's not with

us anymore but he used to page me

911 and then I would call him and I'd be

super busy and stressed out and he would

say um I need you to come come home to

Glendale and change the batteries in my

remote control I can't figure it out

because I need to watch Korean Korean

dramas and uh I did it a few times and I

was like I gotta stop doing this

and the first boundary I drew with my

dad which activated the out of him

was I sent him the voicemail when I

started sending him the voicemail he

would call like I mean my dad would call

me like 10 times in a row and and I

would just watch that my phone ring in

so much anxiety and I would force myself

okay send them to voicemail don't answer

your phone and uh you know it took a lot

of reps but I got stronger at

it and my dad didn't disown me

I mean he would say like well don't

you love me anymore we came to America

for you right he would say like

that but listen he got used to it you

know and and then I felt good that I was

able to draw some

boundaries no more stopping my day and

going home so I could change the

batteries of my dad's remote

control if you're doing that at 40

come

on number nine you should have a savings

you know you should have some kind of

investment or started with whether it's

a 401k or you got to start putting some

money away by 40 you know if you're just

living check to check or you're just

spending money and not thinking about

the future um it's going to be hard to

build trust

right I mean it's gonna it's gonna be

hard to for whoever you decide to love

uh for them to to to love you well

because they got to feel some safety and

and um it's not just about financial

but it's a it's a character trait right

it's someone thinking about the future

number 10 jeans that actually fit I used

to wear jeans that never fit and uh just

feel a little awkward have to sit down

at cream barbecue and unbutton my pants

I mean I guess most of us do but

uh a a a good pair of jeans that fit you

well like like a t-shirt as well like

you ever seen men who wear t-shirts that

are like baby te are too tight and like

their mid drift is showing you're like

ah it's such a turn

off your jeans should fit and you should

have T-shirts that fit you just fit you

well doesn't matter what your body shape

is but but it's appropriate you know

your mid drift shouldn't be

showing and with jeans they shouldn't be

so tight or so loose that they shouldn't

be so loose you look like a teenager and

they shouldn't be so tight that you just

look very uncomfortable because you're

going to make other people look feel

uncomfortable number 11 speaking of um

Gene that fit a healthy diet and an

exercise routine because your metabolism

has slowed down by age 40 um listen you

could have a dut once in a while you

don't have to be like Fitness guy you

know um diet is the thing that I

struggle with the most um because I

believe in in eating a doughnut on

Fridays or having dessert at restaurants

you know it's quality of life um but

overall you know you're not drive you're

not eating McDonald's every day you have

a a a you're conscious of what you put

in your body right and then an exercise

routine and it doesn't have to be

hardcore you know you don't have to be

David gogins you don't have to take an

ice Plunge at 5 in the morning um but

something where you're moving and you're

taking care of yourself you know and I

gotta say especially once you get into a

relationship because a lot of people

when they're single they're they got

that diet and exercise they got abs

they're feeling really good about

themselves they look amazing they get

into a relationship and suddenly it's

wets and then they're you know eating

chips like slowly they just go to the

gym less so um not only taking care of

yourself with a a healthy diet and good

exercise but carrying that over that

doesn't stop that's for you you're not

doing that for someone else or to look

good for someone else you're doing that

to feel good about yourself

right 12 the ability to parallel park on

the first or second

attempt Maybe third but listen if you're

if you're you know that scene in

um uh H awesome powers where he's trying

to turn that uh that little the I don't

know what you call it he's like on this

this little vehicle in a hallway he's

trying to turn it around and he's going

back and forth like a gazillion times um

that should not be how you parallel park

you should have the coordination you've

done it long enough you've been driving

since you were

15 just a couple times it makes the

passenger really uncomfortable and

feeling safe if you don't know how to

parallel park or like the passenger gets

out

and and there's like the uh to get to

get to the the uh the curb it's like

five steps right all right anyway number

13 appropriate

shoes appropriate shoes man women do you

not

agree I I think if you have shoes that

are like torn and Faded I mean unless

that's your style right cuz La if you

look homeless that's cool but like if

you if you have shoes that are like from

92 and you just you just don't spend

money on

shoes

uh it's like having holes in your

underwear that's what it's like it's a

it's a turnoff man so they don't have to

be expensive they just have to be

appropriate right they just have to

match the space that you're

in

14 cry cried uncontrollably at least

once look I don't know about

uncontrollably but just cried when's the

last time you've cried if you're a

40-year-old man and you're like I

haven't cried since I was

seven that might mean something you know

it might mean that um feelings have been

suppressed or

you're not allowing yourself to feel and

they don't have to be sad tears

sometimes we just cry because it was a

sad movie uh or or Joy right cry you

know I've um I've cried not

uncontrollably but I've cried uh um

dancing with my daughter just because I

have moments of

um Joy you know or she'll smile at me or

you know and I get out water my tears I

get watery

ey so a good

cry 15 the ability to finish an entire

crossw word puzzle uh and I'm seeing

this as someone who struggles with it

now it doesn't have to be the New York

Times on a Saturday it just a some kind

of crossword puzzle you know you you

just know some right you don't have

to depend on Google or AI um You by 40

you have lived you

know you have some knowledge you know

some facts right

16 lived and learned enough to Mentor

someone so by 40 you're also going to

have because men are attracted to other

men we sharpen other men um you're going

to have some young youngsters who look

up to you right maybe 18year olds you

know some kids in the neighborhood um

you have the ability to uh to Mentor

them in some

way and I gota just say as a caveat

because I was at the lowest point of my

life when I was mentoring um teenagers

um as a counselor working in um a

rehab so you don't have to have it Al

together quote unquote to be a mentor

right you don't have to be rich and

famous or successful F you just have to

be

honest you still have value and

something to

give 17 enough social skills to be left

alone at a party oh this one's big if

you're 40 and you are clinging to your

girlfriend at a party because you can't

be alone because you don't have the

confidence to go make friends by

yourself that is a problem you you need

some social skills you should be able to

not only have some social skills at a

party and just go you know do your

um but also you should be able to like

sit at a diner by yourself and be

comfortable with that you know I did a

lot of that when I was single after my

divorce

um yeah sit somewhere be alone go go

alone to a party you don't have to be

Depend and you shouldn't be like well

I'll go if you go I'll I'll go if all my

friends go just go be alone be okay with

it you know you could also go home come

home early you know I do that all

the time I never say goodbye to anyone I

just slip out the

back a firm handshake oh this is one of

my big pet peeves um if you give me a

dead fish handshake uh I mean this is I

don't care what gender you are it's just

such a turnoff but especially men who

can't look me in the eye and just shake

my my hand firmly um if it's if it's

just a wilted flower if that's what

you're handing me

o you know what I do I usually I I I

kind of joke but I I usually say come on

let's do it again and I I correct it I

don't I don't just um let that go I

think it's uh I think every man should

have a firm handshake it makes me trust

you more you know

19 the ability to

forgive and forgive

often hey I said 20 but um I I have a

lot more I have a lot more I'm going to

go I'm go go a little bit longer okay so

um um that was 19 the ability to forgive

something that's that's an ability

you're going to have for the rest of

your life right if you can't

forgive holy Good Luck Good Luck

carrying all of that you're going to be

uh you're G have a lot of lot of Pence

shoulders uh 20 is a rebirth the ability

to have a rebirth right most of us by 40

we've gone somewhere and come back our

hearts have been broken we' have had to

start over possibly right so um you've

been through a

rebirth all right here's some quick

ones by 40 you should know um how to be

Magna me Magna metacognitive being able

to think about your own thinking

right uh and you should be able to say

the word correctly not like what I just

did uh what 20% of a bill is without

pulling out a calculator hey let me give

you a tip just double attacks when

you're tipping just double tax three how

to create a safe space and want to look

Inward and you're looking inward for you

not for the other person you're not

going to a seia therapist because you're

you were told to you're going because

you're you want to grow you want to

expand looking inward means to um

examine your inner Journey where things

are coming from follow the string down

and usually um there things you're not

going to want to face stuff that's

happened in childhood right to be

non-defensive and to look at self and

how you are wired and why you do the

things you do from a curious perspective

and not for someone else but for

you have you got to have some

non-negotiables there's some things that

you're not willing to negotiate right oh

this is a good one you better know how

to use

chopsticks there's a lot of

people and I hate to make this about um

about skin color but a lot of white

people who don't know how to use

chopsticks if if we're going to have

some sushi or go to a current Barbe

and you bust out a fork and you can't

use chop or you pull that where

you're like Chopsticks and you tie a

rubber band at the end and you make them

like like kitty Chopsticks um that's

worse than a if you do that I'm

just GNA give you a four you know what

I'm saying I know you're trying but like

come

on and also there's like Asian Foods

everywhere now you know it's not the 80s

in the 80s people didn't know know how

to use chopsticks and I understood in

the 80s people didn't know what Sushi

was okay it's not the 80s it's

2024 hopefully you know how to use some

Chopsticks uh the difference between

making love and and which one is

appropriate

right how to make a bed without having

it be redone by your partner and with

this I'm going to add because it is

2024

um knowing mental load uh taking

responsibility in domestic labor not

just assuming your partner is going to

do

everything right taking initiative to do

the dishes and know what it takes uh for

a house to be to to function especially

if you have kids and and um being aware

and conscious of mental load and and uh

caring mental look right so it's not all

on your partner the art of listening the

ability to understand before trying to

be

understood how to change a flat

tire and I I got got I got to tell you

I'll be honest I was late to this game

but I have I think only once or twice I

have changed the flat tire I know how to

do it you should know how to do it and I

know now with uh the advancement of

automobiles um you there's all these

like uh what's it called

um there's a run run run run Flats there

there's a name of of tires that you

don't have to change after flat because

they kind of um they'll get you to the

gas station it's not you know it's not

going to up your RAM but you should

still how to change a flat

tire how to cook a good meal without

using the microwave right at least one

have one recipe learn how to make

something and that's kind of your go-to

right even if it's like just pasta

whatever it

is I'm saying that I'm thinking which on

what's yours um it would be something on

the grill it' be something on the grill

a kebabs or

something I could make a really good mac

and cheese with a tuna and

peas also rhyme if I have to uh what

kind of people do you want to surround

yourself and the ability to do it

right okay a few more where you're going

and who's going with you and in that

order not the other way around or you'll

be going alone let me repeat this know

where you're going and then who's going

with you because if you report if you

reverse the order you'll be going alone

right I'm saying this because in my 20s

and 30s I always ask myself who's coming

with me I don't know where the I'm

going but who's coming with me and uh no

where are you going now after knowing

where you're going who's coming with you

people want to go on the ride you know

friends intimate Partners doesn't matter

they want to go on a

ride they don't want you to be the ride

they they don't want them to be your

ride they want to go on a ride does that

make sense oh that's good I'm going to

I'm going to write that down

okay that you were meant to change the

world in some way and of course this

lines up with the passion

thing you're determined to make some

kind of Dent you

know this one's from LL Cool J man makes

the money money doesn't make the man I

love it I don't need to explain

that I've just got a few

more not to wear skinny jeans no matter

how fashional you know there are some

people that could pull up skinny jeans

is usually magician not magicians

musicians musicians if you're in a band

you might be able to but if you're not

that no one can pull up skinny jeans no

man um how to ride a motorcycle I think

this is a must by age 40 you don't have

to buy one but you know you've gone if

not a motorcycle than a scooter you

you've gotone on some kind of machine

with two wheels and you've rode that

made you feel something that's it

okay doesn't have to be a lifestyle you

don't have to join a motorcycle gang but

just at some point in your life in the

40 years you've rode something with two

wheels and finally how to build

something whether it's a new body a

business a relationship a sense of self

you just know how to build something you

know all right those are my 40 things I

think every man should

have no no no those are my more than 20

plus things that I think every man

should have by age

40 thank you for listening be well