that's a red flag? but I do that.... [cc]
Summary
TLDRThe script discusses the challenges of identifying destructive relationships, cautioning against overuse of 'red flags' which can be misleading. It emphasizes the importance of scrutinizing behaviors like love bombing and mirroring, which can be both innocent and manipulative. Through a case study of Isak, it illustrates how to discern genuine connections from exploitative ones, advocating for cautious engagement and self-reflection to avoid being exploited.
Takeaways
- š© The term 'red flag' is often overused and can sometimes be based on personal prejudice rather than actual threat.
- š More credible red flags include manipulative tactics used by harmful individuals, like love bombing and mirroring.
- š¤ It's challenging to distinguish between innocent and harmful behaviors, as both can exhibit similar traits.
- š„ Group dynamics can lead to the labeling of certain behaviors as red flags due to tribalism or conformity.
- šØ 'Red lights' or 'deal-breakers' refer to coercive and destructive behaviors, unlike red flags which require closer scrutiny.
- š¤ Red flags are not definitive proof of ill intent but are signs that warrant a closer look at someone's motives.
- š§ Assessing the true motives behind behaviors takes time, observation, and a dispassionate evaluation of evidence.
- š Past experiences can influence how we perceive and react to certain behaviors in new relationships.
- š Abusive relationships can leave lasting effects on a person's ability to trust and correctly interpret new relationships.
- š Recognizing and leaving a harmful relationship can be difficult due to the emotional manipulation and idealized memories.
- š Abusers may attempt to revamp their image and return, claiming to have changed, which is a common tactic to regain control.
Q & A
What is the main issue with the overuse of the term 'red flag'?
-The main issue with the overuse of the term 'red flag' is that it gets applied to a wide range of traits and behaviors, some of which are absurd and not indicative of any actual threat. This can lead to false assumptions and judgments based on personal preferences rather than actual harmful intentions.
What are some examples of false red flags mentioned in the script?
-False red flags mentioned in the script include not paying for both parties on a date, lacking religious belief, loving classical music, being an only child, and having the 'wrong' kind of phone.
What is the difference between 'red flags' and 'red lights' in the context of relationships?
-In the context of relationships, 'red flags' are behaviors that require closer examination as they could be innocent or indicative of harmful intentions. 'Red lights' or 'deal-breakers' refer to clear instances of coercive, controlling, and destructive behavior such as violence, threats, and mind games.
Can you explain the 'zabaglione effect' mentioned in the script?
-The 'zabaglione effect' refers to a situation where people in a group falsely agree on something to reach a consensus, as illustrated by a group interview scenario where multiple people falsely claimed to like zabaglione, an obscure Italian dessert, to fit in with the group.
What are some manipulative tactics associated with destructive individuals or groups?
-Some manipulative tactics associated with destructive individuals or groups include love bombing, where targets are showered with attention, affection, and praise, and mirroring, where the manipulator professes similar interests, beliefs, and experiences to create an illusion of connection.
How does the script suggest we should approach behaviors that could be both red flags and innocent actions?
-The script suggests that we should approach such behaviors with caution and not be swept off our feet by them. It advises taking a step back, slowing down, and assessing the situation with a clear head to determine the underlying motives.
What is the significance of Isak's relationship with Greg in the script?
-Isak's relationship with Greg is significant because it set a benchmark for what Isak believed a relationship should be like, characterized by spontaneity and no holding back. This idealized view made him vulnerable to falling for the manipulative tactics of subsequent abusive partners.
How does the script describe the process of assessing motives behind red-flag behaviors?
-The script describes the process of assessing motives behind red-flag behaviors as similar to a court case, where one must consider the weight of evidence, assess dispassionately, tolerate ambiguity, and take time to arrive at a verdict.
What is the 'revamp' mentioned in the script, and how does it relate to abusive relationships?
-The 'revamp' is a tactic where abusers claim to have changed and come back for a second try, attempting a more subtle manipulation. This is seen when Devon tries to re-enter Isak's life, claiming to be a different person, which is a common ploy to regain control.
Why is it important to scrutinize ourselves according to the script?
-It is important to scrutinize ourselves because our own magical idealistic notions about relationships can make us vulnerable to exploitation by bad actors. The script suggests that to see red flags clearly, we need to remove our rose-colored glasses and be realistic about the behaviors we are willing to accept.
What does the script suggest as a strategy to avoid being exploited in relationships?
-The script suggests that we should make decisions in a state of clear-headedness and not be driven by intense emotions. It advises taking time to assess situations and not to abandon caution, especially when significant commitments are involved.
Outlines
š© Understanding Red Flags in Relationships
The paragraph discusses the concept of 'red flags' in relationships, noting that while they are meant to warn of potentially destructive relationships, they are often overused and misapplied. Red flags can stem from personal biases or group tribalism, leading to the mislabeling of innocent traits. The paragraph also distinguishes between red flags, which require further investigation, and 'red lights' or 'deal-breakers,' which are clear signs of harmful behavior. It illustrates how behaviors like love bombing and mirroring can be both innocent and manipulative, making it challenging to discern true intentions.
šµļøāāļø Assessing Motives Behind Red-Flag Behaviors
This section delves into the complexity of determining the motives behind behaviors that could be red flags. It emphasizes the need for careful observation and judgment over time, much like a court case. The narrative introduces 'Isak,' a therapy client who has experienced abusive relationships and is learning to discern between genuine and manipulative behaviors. The paragraph highlights how past experiences can cloud judgment and the importance of considering the weight of evidence before making decisions about relationships.
š The Danger of Being Swept Away by Red Flags
The paragraph narrates Isak's experience with Devon, illustrating how behaviors like mirroring, love bombing, and rushing to commit can be both innocent and manipulative. It discusses how these behaviors can lead to hasty decisions and commitment, which may be difficult to reverse. The paragraph also explores the concept of the 'honeymoon phase' and how it can obscure the reality of a relationship, leading to confusion and ambivalence when the relationship sours.
š Looking Beyond Red Flags to Make Informed Decisions
The final paragraph reinforces the message that there are no simple formulas for identifying bad actors and that relying on simplistic ideas can lead to pushing away good people. It discusses the importance of self-scrutiny and the need to approach relationships with a clear head, rather than being swept away by intense emotions. The paragraph concludes with Isak's encounter with Devon, who claims to have changed, highlighting the 'revamp' tactic used by some abusers to regain trust. The narrative underscores the need to look beyond initial impressions and to consider the potential for long-term harm in a relationship.
Mindmap
Keywords
š”Red flag
š”Love bombing
š”Mirroring
š”Manipulation
š”Emotional abuse
š”False bond
š”Silent treatment
š”Rush to commit
š”Ambivalence
š”Benign actors
Highlights
Destructive behaviors often emerge later in relationships, complicating disengagement.
The term 'red flag' is overused and can include trivial or prejudiced traits.
False red flags arise from personal bias rather than actual threat.
Credible red flags involve manipulative tactics used by exploitative individuals.
Love bombing and mirroring are tactics that can be used by both innocent and harmful parties.
The 'zabaglione effect' illustrates how people might falsely mirror preferences.
Behaviors can be driven by benign motives, complicating the identification of red flags.
Red flags are not definitive proof of harmful intent but require closer scrutiny.
Assessing motives behind red-flag behaviors can be challenging and requires observation.
Case study of Isak illustrates the difficulty in identifying abusive relationships.
Isak's past experiences with abusive relationships cloud his judgment of new ones.
Devon's behavior with Isak mirrors the manipulative tactics of Isak's previous abusers.
The rush to commit is a common tactic used by abusers to ensnare their targets.
Isak's suggestion to take things slow is a prudent response to Devon's rapid advances.
Devon's mood swings and use of silence are red flags indicating potential abuse.
Isak's realization that Devon's behavior was not genuine leads to the end of their relationship.
Isak's ambivalence post-breakup is a common reaction to the love bombing tactic.
The concept of 'revamp' where abusers claim to have changed is a common manipulation.
Isak's encounter with Devon's revamp attempt illustrates the persistence of abusers.
There are no simple formulas for identifying bad actors; it requires careful assessment.
The importance of removing idealistic notions to see red flags clearly.
Transcripts
Many people who get drawnĀ into destructive relationships
ā from domestic to professional to ideological ā
often find that the destructiveĀ behaviour only emerges
some time into the relationship.
We find ourselves in a spin
struggling to recognise theĀ people we thought we knew.
Unfortunately, by the time we get ourĀ bearings and realise whatās going on
itās sometimes too late to extractĀ ourselves straightforwardly.
We mightāve formed social connectionsĀ that are tough to untangle,
made commitments that are difficult to break.
Be great ā wouldnāt it? āĀ if before weād got involved
weād had a list of clear, unambiguousĀ warning signs to watch for.
āRed flagā has become a common term for attributes
considered to be indicators of bad actors.
But there are problems with the concept.
One massive issue is overuse.
The term āred flagā gets applied
to a ridiculous range of traits and behaviours.
Some of the more absurd examples Iāve come across
include not paying for both parties on a date,
no religious belief, a love of classical music,
being an only child, havingĀ the āwrongā kind of phone.
These kinds of false red flags canĀ arise from individual prejudice
or ā on the group level ā tribalism.
Attributes are labelled red flags notĀ because they signify any actual threat
but merely because they donātĀ conform to personal preferences.
More credible lists of red flags
feature manipulative tacticsĀ known to be associated
with genuinely destructive,Ā exploitative individuals and groups
including various superficiallyĀ positive behaviours
designed to reel targets in.
For example, love bombing ā
showering targets withĀ attention, affection and praise
or mirroring ā professingĀ similar interests, beliefs,
preferences and experiences toĀ create an illusion of connection.
But even here, things are far from clear-cut.
Many people have commented to me over the years
that these well-documentedĀ kinds of red-flag behaviours
are commonly exhibited by innocent parties.
Someone Iāll call Jason
who was love-bombed by membersĀ of a deeply damaging group
said he became convinced hisĀ ferociously friendly new neighbours
would one day reveal some murky agenda.
After a couple of years, he realisedĀ they were just genuinely warm people.
But, for Jason, it raisedĀ a very reasonable question:
how do you tell the difference betweenĀ harmless and harmful love-bombers?
The same question holds for mirroring.
Years ago, in a group interview forĀ one of my first counselling courses
we were asked to organiseĀ a hypothetical group meal.
It was a completely arbitrary exercise
designed to see how we interacted.
Someone suggested everyone shouldĀ shout out their favourite dessert.
I said, āZabaglioneā ā which is anĀ Italian alcoholic whipped custard.
To my surprise, the nextĀ person also said zabaglione.
So did the next. And the next.
Only the fifth person chose something different.
Iāve jokingly called it the zabaglione effect.
It stretched credulity to believe this obscureĀ dessert was such a universal favourite.
And indeed one group member later confessed
she just said it to help usĀ get to a group consensus.
Another said he couldnāt thinkĀ of anything else in the moment.
The third made no retraction.
Professing preferences, interestsĀ and beliefs we donāt necessarily hold
can stem from various motivations.
Many targets of abuse habitually echo other people
because historically voicing their own views
led to punishment and ridicule.
So if a behaviour can beĀ driven by all kinds of motives
ā bad and benign ā
what does it even mean to call it a red flag?
The term āred flagā isnāt about saying:
when you see this behaviour, run.
That sentiment applies more to what weĀ might call āred lightsā or ādeal-breakersā
ā i.e. instances of coercive,Ā controlling and destructive behaviour
including violence, threats and mind games.
Labelling a behaviour as a red flag
is more about saying: this needs a closer look.
This person or group could be innocent
but bad actors are alsoĀ known to behave in these ways
to manipulate and exploit their targets.
So I need to pay attention,Ā keep a healthy guard up
until I feel confident aboutĀ the motives at play here.
Of course some of us prefer to keep things simple
and treat red flags like red lights.
Take them as evidence of wicked intent.
In doing that, we can end upĀ pushing lots of good people away.
And for individuals who alreadyĀ have a tendency to self-isolate
that can further magnify their isolation
and cut them off from valuable support.
Assessing the motives behind red-flagĀ behaviour isnāt always straightforward.
None of us are mind readers
and making an informed judgementĀ can require a lot of observation
across many situations over a span of time.
Like a court case, we have toĀ consider the weight of the evidence
assess it dispassionately
tolerate ambiguity as we entertainĀ the possibility of guilt or innocence
and take whatever time weĀ need to arrive at our verdict.
Iād like to explore thisĀ process of assessing motives
with a case study of a therapyĀ client Iāll call āIsakā.
Isak came to therapy following aĀ couple of abusive relationships.
His confidence had taken a hefty hammering
and he was annoyed at himselfĀ for falling for a second abuser
barely months after leaving the first.
Heād thought he was on safe ground
because the second one was so different.
The first, Sam, had beenĀ gentle, humble, intellectual.
When Jake came along, heĀ seemed like the total opposite:
playful, excitable, goofy.
But over time, Jakeās behaviourĀ changed just like Samās had
becoming fiercely critical,Ā controlling and coercive.
When weāve had damaging experiencesĀ with an individual or group
we sometimes avoid people who appearĀ similar in terms of basic temperament.
But by focusing on surface presentationĀ style, we can miss deeper patterns.
Despite their apparent differences, SamĀ and Jake employed very similar tactics.
As we explored these tactics
Isak saw how Sam and Jake had swiftlyĀ forged a false sense of connection.
But he still had a hard time seeingĀ their behaviour as red flags.
Because heād seen it before. In hisĀ very first relationship with Greg.
Greg swept into Isakās life like a dust devil.
They crossed paths in their collegeĀ canteen and instantly clicked.
Shared the same outlook, interests, experiences.
Confided things theyād never confessed before.
In no time, they were living together.
It was the happiest time of Isakās life.
Tragically, after just a handful of years together
an aggressive cancer that Greg hadĀ survived in his teenage years returned.
This time he didnāt make it.
Isakās relationship with Greg became a benchmark ā
a template for what aĀ relationship should look like.
Spontaneous, impulsive, no holding back.
While it was plain to seeĀ why Greg ā and now Isak ā
had taken this seize-the-day approach to life
we looked at the idea that āCarpe diem!ā
might not always be the best guiding principle.
Great if you were lucky enough to meet a Greg.
But a red carpet for bad actorsĀ looking to bypass security checks
and shortcut their way into someoneās life.
A few months into therapy
Isak revealed heād startedĀ seeing someone called Devon.
He hadnāt wanted to talk about it until now
because he thought analysing it would kill it.
Theyād met one lunchtime at a parkĀ near Isakās work and instantly clicked.
Things went well for a few weeks.
Theyād had some great days outĀ and found they had tons in common.
Recently Devon had organised anĀ amazing weekend break to Europe.
But on their last night, the mood changed
when Isak suggested they should take things slow.
Devon became suddenly distant.
And Isak feared heād ruined everything.
We hit rewind and reviewedĀ the events in more detail.
Sitting in the park one day
Isakās joined by a passing jogger, Devon.
They get talking.
Everything Isak likes, Devon seems to like too ā
same music, same films, same food.
When Isak mentions heāsĀ always wanted to visit Berlin
Devon says itās been his dream too.
Isak said it crossed his mind thatĀ Devon might be trying to mirror him.
But heād spoken so fluentlyĀ about their mutual interests.
He then reminded himselfĀ that Sam and Jake had too.
Isak and Devon exchange phone numbers.
Over the following month, they go for drives out
to the countryside and the coast.
Isak now remembers thatĀ Devon commented on his shirts
and bought some in a similar style.
He also remembers that DevonĀ seemed intensely interested
in his family and past relationships.
Again, this could be completely innocent.
We want to know who weāre with.
But this intense probing is also consistent
with the period of interrogationĀ commonly experienced by targets
as abusers try to gauge weakĀ spots and potential obstacles.
Isak tells Devon about Sam and Jake.
Devon says heās had some abusive relationships too
and gets emotional speaking aboutĀ how they shattered his confidence.
He says heās never been this open with anyone.
But he feels safe with Isak.
He has total faith in him andĀ feels like he can say anything.
Again these sentiments could be sincere.
But overblown expressions of trustĀ are also a common manipulation
designed to create a false bond.
After a few weeks, Devon arrangesĀ a weekend trip to Berlin.
Isak is thrilled.
In Germany, Devon showersĀ Isak with gifts and attention.
He tells Isak heās never met anyone like him
and heās in constant awe of him.
On their last night, Devon tells Isak
heād like to spend the rest of his life with him
and asks if he can move in withĀ Isak when they get back to the UK.
The rush to commit is extremelyĀ common among bad actors
from abusive partners to abusiveĀ ideological groups to online scammers.
Targets are pressured into situationsĀ that are difficult to get out of.
Isak suggests they take things slow.
He needs time to think. DevonĀ says he doesnāt need any
time ā heās sure. Isak saysĀ he wants to be sure too.
Itās worth underlining againĀ that all these behaviours
ā mirroring, interrogation, love bombing,
overblown statements of trust, rushing to commit ā
can spring from benign motives.
Some people are just impulsive and enthusiastic
like Isakās first partner Greg.
The point is itās a mistake to allow ourselves
to be swept off our feet by these behaviours
and abandon all caution
especially when sizeable commitments are involved.
In the morning, Devon is cold and distant.
After a bleak taxi ride to the airport
he says a breezy goodbye andĀ leaves Isak to catch his flight.
Devonās dramatic mood swingĀ shows a chilling ability
to switch off the sunshine.
The honeymoon is definitely over.
But going over the events with a clearer head
Isak begins to wonder how real the honeymoon was.
Between this and the next therapyĀ session, Isak doesnāt hear from Devon
although he notes Devon has been active online.
He recalls that Sam often subjected him
to silent treatments when they lived together
sometimes ignoring him for days.
Isak remembers it felt likeĀ being physically starved.
With Devonās mood swingsĀ and use of punitive silence
the red flags are now giving way to red lights.
Isak starts imagining life without Devon.
In the next session, Isak reportsĀ that Devon sent him an email
saying he didnāt believe IsakĀ ever wanted a relationship
and that Isak had just used him.
He made it clear the burden wasĀ on Isak to prove his intentions.
Isak recalls similar dominance testsĀ in his relationships with Sam and Jake.
It was always Isak who had to prove himself.
For Isak, Devonās email is the tipping point.
He sends Devon a brief,Ā terminating reply and blocks him.
Over the next few sessions,Ā Isak wrestles with ambivalence.
Did he overreact? Were things really that bad?
He remembers sweet moments withĀ Devon that knock him off balance.
This is the insidious effectĀ of the abuserās love bombing.
It creates a tantalising idealisticĀ image of what might have been.
Isak wonders if maybe Devon wasnāt aĀ complete monster like Sam and Jake.
Maybe Devonās previous abusiveĀ relationships just made him
overly sensitive and he justĀ needed extra reassurance.
Leaving aside the questionĀ of whether Devonās accounts
of those relationships were true,Ā Isak raised an important point.
Some targets of abuse begin relationships
when theyāre not yet ready to handle them
ā not able to negotiate,
to set and/or meet reasonable expectations,
to navigate conflict.
Getting involved with peopleĀ based on who they might become
instead of who they are right now
can set both parties up for a very bumpy ride.
Recovery has to come first, then relationships.
People donāt have to be āmonstersāĀ or predators to be unfit partners.
We donāt have to diagnose themĀ with malignant personalities.
We just have to look at their behaviour
imagine itās never going to change
and ask ourselves if weād beĀ prepared to live with that.
Some weeks after finishing with Devon
Isak encounters him again at the park.
Devon embarks on a lengthy monologue
telling Isak he regrets how things ended.
He says Isak was right to dump him.
But heās a different person now ā thanks to Isak.
He admires Isak for taking no nonsense.
He wishes he was that strong.
He wonders if they might be friends.
And maybe down the line ā who knows.
I call this the revamp.
Here, abusers come back for a secondĀ try, claiming to have evolved.
But all thatās evolved is their deviousness.
Having underestimated theĀ target the first time round
the abuser attempts a more subtle game.
Isak says heās seeing someone.
Itās a lie but itās all he canĀ think of to get rid of Devon.
It doesnāt work.
But it achieves something much more effective.
Devon explodes, repeatingĀ all his previous accusations.
Sometimes, when we arrive at a negative verdict about a person or group
some part of us is left wonderingĀ if we made the right judgement.
But sometimes life hands us total vindication.
Isak observes him silently until he leaves.
There are no simple formulasĀ for identifying bad actors.
When we rely on simplisticĀ ideas about who to avoid
we often end up pushing away more good people.
Some bad actors makeĀ themselves known very early on
with obvious red-light behaviours.
But others are extremely convincing.
Their red-flag behaviours can appear identical
to positive innocent behaviours
ā the only difference being the underlying motive.
Even highly trained abuse expertsĀ are sometimes taken in by them.
To some degree, every new relationshipĀ represents a leap of faith.
But it doesnāt have to be a reckless one.
When weāre encouraged to makeĀ decisions in states of intense emotion
ā feeling swept off our feet,Ā feeling confused, feeling panic ā
we need to take a step back, slow down
and assess the situation with a clear head.
Benign actors can stand close inspection.
As Isakās story illustrates, weĀ also need to scrutinise ourselves.
The more we fill our headsĀ with magical idealistic notions
about relationships, families, life
the easier we are to exploit by bad actors
ready to promise us that magic.
If we want to see their red flags clearly
we need to remove our rose-coloured glasses.
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