The #1 Sign That Relationship WON'T LAST... | Esther Perel

Summary

This script discusses the critical factors that can lead to the deterioration of relationships, such as indifference, contempt, neglect, and violence. It emphasizes the importance of desire and how it's crucial for maintaining a long-term relationship. The speaker highlights the rapid societal changes affecting sexual dynamics and the challenges of sustaining desire. They suggest that fostering appreciation, gratitude, individual space, and admiration can help nurture and maintain a healthy relationship.

Takeaways

• 💔 **Indifference**: A lack of care or interest in one's partner can lead to the deterioration of a relationship.
• 😖 **Contempt**: Treating one's partner with disrespect or degradation is one of the most damaging behaviors in a relationship.
• 🚫 **Neglect**: Taking one's partner for granted and not prioritizing the relationship can lead to complacency and laziness.
• 🤕 **Violence**: Any form of disrespect, including microaggressions, can harm a relationship by fostering a sense of fear or resentment.
• 👥 **Importance of Feeling Valued**: In relationships, individuals need to feel that they matter and are cared for by their partners.
• 👶 **Learning from Family**: Early life experiences with parents or caregivers shape our understanding of relationships and how we behave in them.
• 👩‍❤️‍👨 **Desire and Relationships**: Desire is a critical component of long-term relationships and is linked to the overall quality of the relationship.
• 🌸 **Role of Erotic Desire**: Erotic desire is essential for maintaining sexual interest and connection in long-term partnerships.
• 💡 **Creativity in Relationships**: To keep a relationship vibrant, it's important to be creative and bring novelty and playfulness into the dynamic.
• 🙏 **Gratitude and Appreciation**: Expressing gratitude and appreciation for one's partner can significantly enhance the relationship.
• 🏠 **Individual Space**: Allowing for individual space and interests can contribute to a healthier and more satisfying relationship.

Q & A

What are the four cornerstones of relationship demise mentioned in the transcript?

The four cornerstones of relationship demise mentioned are indifference, contempt, neglect, and violence.

How does indifference manifest in a relationship?

Indifference is when one person starts to fundamentally not care about the other, leading to a loss of interest and a sense of estrangement.

What is meant by 'neglect' in the context of a relationship?

Neglect refers to taking one's partner for granted, where people may prioritize other aspects of their life over their partner, leading to complacency and laziness.

How does violence differ from microaggressions in relationships?

Violence can range from physical harm to verbal abuse and microaggressions, which are subtle, often unintentional, discriminatory actions or comments that communicate hostile messages to certain individuals.

What is the significance of contempt in relationships?

Contempt is considered the most damaging as it involves the degradation of the partner, making them feel worthless and unimportant, which can be very harmful to the relationship.

How does the concept of desire relate to the challenges in long-term relationships?

Desire is a key factor in maintaining long-term relationships. A decrease in desire can lead to feelings of indifference or neglect, which are challenges to the relationship.

What role does sexual desire play in the longevity of relationships?

Sexual desire is crucial for the erotic connection and intimacy in relationships. Maintaining desire over the long term is a challenge that many couples face.

Why is it important to sustain desire in long-term relationships?

Sustaining desire is important because it contributes to the erotic connection, intimacy, and overall satisfaction in a relationship, which are essential for its longevity.

How does the concept of 'pacing' relate to seduction and desire?

Pacing in seduction refers to the playful dance of approaching and retreating, creating a sense of anticipation and excitement, which can increase desire.

What does the speaker suggest as a way to maintain desire in a relationship?

The speaker suggests maintaining desire by creating a sense of playfulness, mystery, and risk-taking, as well as ensuring that both partners feel appreciated and valued.

Why is it important to show appreciation and gratitude in a relationship?

Showing appreciation and gratitude helps to make a partner feel valued and acknowledged, which can strengthen the bond and enhance the quality of the relationship.

Outlines

00:00

💔 Destructive Dynamics in Relationships

The paragraph delves into the core issues that can lead to the deterioration of a relationship. The speaker identifies four main factors: indifference, contempt, neglect, and violence. Indifference is characterized by a lack of care and interest in one's partner, leading to estrangement. Contempt involves degrading the partner and seeing them as insignificant. Neglect is when one takes their partner for granted, similar to how one might care more for their car or dog than their partner. Violence encompasses not only physical harm but also verbal abuse and disrespect. The speaker also touches on how these behaviors can stem from childhood experiences and how they can be passed down through generations, affecting how individuals interact in their romantic relationships.

05:01

👶 Childhood Influences on Adult Relationships

This section of the script discusses how early childhood experiences shape adult relationships. The speaker points out that people often unknowingly replicate the behaviors they observed in their parents, such as closeness, trust, loyalty, and even jealousy and possessiveness. They may promise themselves not to act like their parents, but often find themselves doing so, leading to feelings of shame and blame towards their partners. The paragraph also highlights the rapid changes in sexual attitudes and behaviors over the past 60 years, influenced by the women's movement and the recognition of sexuality as an aspect of identity and lifestyle. The speaker emphasizes the importance of desire in maintaining long-term relationships and how it has become a challenge to keep desire alive with one partner over an extended period.

10:02

🌹 Reviving Desire in Long-Term Relationships

The speaker explores the concept of desire in long-term relationships, emphasizing that it is rooted in wanting rather than needing a partner. They discuss how small acts of thoughtfulness and the creation of an erotic space can enhance intimacy. The paragraph also addresses the differences in how men and women experience desire and the importance of confidence as a turn-on. The speaker suggests that maintaining desire involves creating a balance between caretaking and playfulness, and being alive and vibrant. They recommend engaging in activities that make one feel good about themselves and being in their element, which can naturally increase attraction to their partner.

15:03

🍽 The Importance of Everyday Gestures in Relationships

In this paragraph, the speaker stresses the significance of daily actions in nurturing a relationship. They advocate for premeditated commitment to spending quality time with a partner, suggesting that this can lead to more spontaneous and meaningful connections. The speaker also talks about the importance of emotional risks, such as presenting a different side of oneself to a partner to keep the relationship fresh. They mention the need for curiosity and gratitude in a relationship, and how small gestures like writing a note or expressing thanks can foster appreciation and prevent feelings of boredom.

20:06

🤝 Fostering Quality Relationships Through Appreciation and Individuality

The final paragraph focuses on the importance of appreciation, gratitude, and individual space in maintaining healthy relationships. The speaker argues that people should not take their partners for granted and should express their gratitude regularly. They also emphasize the need for individuals to have their own interests and friendships outside of their romantic relationships to avoid placing too much pressure on one person to fulfill all emotional needs. The speaker concludes by suggesting that the quality of life is heavily influenced by the quality of relationships and that investing effort into these relationships is as important as investing in one's career or business.

Keywords

💡Indifference

Indifference refers to a lack of interest or concern. In the context of the video, it is highlighted as a cornerstone of relationship demise when one partner no longer cares about the other's feelings, thoughts, or well-being. The script mentions how this can lead to estrangement and disconnect, which are detrimental to a healthy relationship.

💡Contempt

Contempt is the feeling of看不起 or鄙视 someone. The video emphasizes contempt as the 'killer' of relationships because it involves degrading the other person, making them feel worthless or insignificant. An example from the script is the mention of a raised eyebrow that can convey a sense of contempt, signaling the end of respect and value in a relationship.

💡Neglect

Neglect is the oversight or failure to care for someone or something. In the video, neglect is discussed as taking one's partner for granted, similar to not caring for a car or a pet. It is depicted as a form of complacency where people stop putting effort into the relationship once it's formalized, expecting it to sustain itself without ongoing care and attention.

💡Microaggressions

Microaggressions are subtle, often unintentional, discriminatory actions or remarks. The script uses this term to describe small acts of violence or disrespect within a relationship that, while not overtly aggressive, can accumulate and harm the relationship over time.

💡Desire

Desire in the video refers to the longing or craving for something, particularly in a sexual or romantic context. It is portrayed as a critical component of long-term relationships, where maintaining desire is essential for keeping the relationship passionate and connected. The script discusses how desire can wane over time if not consciously sustained.

💡Erotic Desire

Erotic Desire is a specific type of desire related to sexual attraction and longing. The video discusses the importance of erotic desire in maintaining a vibrant and intimate connection within a relationship. It is described as something that needs to be nurtured and can be threatened by complacency or routine.

💡Monogamy

Monogamy is the practice of being romantically involved with only one person at a time. The video script discusses how monogamy has evolved from a lifetime commitment to a serial commitment, where individuals may have multiple monogamous relationships over their lifetime. It also touches on the challenges of maintaining desire within the confines of monogamous relationships.

💡Seduction

Seduction in the video is described as the act of enticing or luring someone into a situation. It is highlighted as a playful and essential ingredient for maintaining desire in relationships. The script suggests that seduction involves creating a sense of mystery and intrigue, which can be lost in long-term relationships.

💡Confidence

Confidence is a feeling of self-assurance. In the context of the video, confidence is identified as a significant turn-on and a key element in maintaining desire. The script implies that feeling good about oneself can lead to increased sexual desire and interest in one's partner.

💡Playfulness

Playfulness is a light-hearted and fun attitude. The video script connects playfulness to the maintenance of desire in relationships, suggesting that incorporating a sense of play and light-heartedness can keep relationships from becoming stale and can foster a sense of excitement and novelty.

💡Curiosity

Curiosity is the desire to learn or know something. The video emphasizes curiosity as a vital component for keeping relationships fresh and engaging. It suggests that being curious about one's partner and open to new experiences can prevent relationships from becoming routine and boring.

Highlights

The four cornerstones of relationship demise are indifference, contempt, neglect, and violence.

Indifference can lead to estrangement and a complete disconnect in a relationship.

Neglect is taking each other for granted, often manifesting as caring more for material possessions than for one's partner.

Violence in a relationship can range from microaggressions to full-blown aggression and resentment.

Contempt is the most damaging as it involves the degradation of the other person's worth.

People often repeat relationship patterns they learned from their parents or caregivers.

Desire in relationships is rooted in wanting to feel alive and vibrant.

Confidence is the biggest turn-on and is key to maintaining desire in a relationship.

Women's desire often plummets in long-term relationships due to a lack of interesting sexual experiences.

Men's desire in long-term relationships tends to remain stable and is more about the experience itself.

Desire is about wanting, whereas love is about needing.

Creating a sense of mystery and risk can help sustain desire in a relationship.

Couples should aim to create their own incentive systems to improve the quality of their relationships.

Appreciation and gratitude are essential for maintaining a strong connection with one's partner.

Giving each other individual space allows for personal growth and can strengthen a relationship.

Admiration for one's partner's otherness can enhance the depth of a relationship.

Finding multiple sources of connection and friendship can reduce the burden on one partner to fulfill all needs.

Transcripts

what are the core

uh reasons or the core things you see

over and over that

uh either end or make a relationship

challenging to be in

the longer end what are the what are the

ones that what are the challenges that

come up over and over that you see

so there's always three questions right

what's a driving relationship

a thriving one yeah what can go wrong

and how do you fix it okay so you

started with the middle question

what goes wrong

i think there's a number of things in a

relationship that that uh

that become just the kind of uh

cornerstones of the demise okay and i'm

not gonna lease them in order but they

all

are part of each other um

indifference and contempt

and neglect and violence are probably

the four

most important okay i'm not talking

about big violence microaggressions are

plenty

indifference when you start to feel like

the other person fundamentally is not

really caring about you anymore

or you don't care about them what they

feel what they think who they are what

they're about

don't care you've lost interest but it's

more than losing of

interest it's also when you are doing

different you degrade the other person

they're less important to you they don't

matter and ultimately what we feel in

relationships is that we matter

that is the essential reason for

connecting to people is that we are

creatures of meaning

right i matter to you i'm someone you

care about me

you want my mail you want my well-being

you're proud of me

you you want good for me you're

benevolent

all of that when you are indifferent the

whole thing goes

and then you start to this that coldness

that creeps in that sense of

estrangement that complete disconnect

that the second one is neglect neglect

when people just basically take each

other for granted

you know i they take more care of their

car than of their partner

their dog or their dog anybody anything

their yard anything

anything gets attendants their business

for sure

their business for sure you know

everything gets priority everything gets

reviewed evaluated attended to

360s you name it you know new input

my god it's like people have this idea

that they put it all in

when they were dating and then once they

seal the knot

it's like as if they tied the knot it's

like now they don't have to do squat

anymore and they go into this kind of

complete sense of complacency and

laziness

it's an amazing thing they think this

thing is just going to live on its own

right like a cactus right violence

violence the abuse the level of of

disrespect i mean

most people talk nicer to anybody else

than their partner when a relationship

because you can't get away with it

because you can't get away with it

because if you talk like this at work

you're gone

because if you talk like this with the

police you're gone because if you talk

like this on the street you're being

punched

but with your partner you have that

sense that they're gonna be there anyway

they're just gonna take

it because it's family and family is

this kind of

this thing that doesn't dissolve so

easily so you can just

lash out at them and talk to them with a

tone

and a dismissal that is phenomenal so

that kind of violence i'm not talking

physical violence and all the other big

big things you're talking about

aggression or resentment or

all of that yeah all of that you know

passive aggressiveness all those things

yeah

all of that and then and then um

contempt i think is the top one

the contempt is the killer of them all

because

in in the contempt there is a real

there's the degradation of the race

is that that complete this you're

nothing you're nothing

i can kill you with that one guess that

one eyebrow that goes up

you know stuff do you who do you think

you are what are

and that's it you you're done you're

done so how do we even get to this place

of these

these places after having been so in

love and so romantic right

is desire uh reflect that or if we're

not desiring the person anymore then we

start to feel one of those

categories or does that not play into

look the truth is this there's only two

relationships

that resemble each other the one you

have with your parents

or the people who raise you and the one

you have with the people

you fall in love with people can sit in

my office

all the time and say i have this with no

one else i don't have this with anybody

at work

nobody among my friends ever thinks like

that you're the only one who speaks like

this or thinks this about me or with

whom i do this

no you're the only one and now we go

back in history

and i'm sorry to be the psychologist but

that's really

it is the place where we often learned

about closeness

trust loyalty commitment sharing

taking receiving asking all these

essential verbs of relationships we

learned that at home

we also learned jealousy and

possessiveness vengeance

you name them the beauty and the not

beauty yeah we saw it all as children

right we saw the fights we saw the love

we saw the

you know we saw the coldness the lack of

intimacy the intimacy yes

yes and we bring that with us and we

often promise ourselves i'll never be

this one

i'll never be this way i'll never talk

like this i'll

you know and we find ourselves often

much

closer to the apple and then presenting

ourselves to the tree

we resent ourselves we're like how do we

do that well why don't we get to this

place and then we feel ashamed about it

and since we don't like to feel ashamed

about it we hide it

and one of the way we hide it is we

blame the partner

that's just one of the ways there's a

lot we are very resourceful in not

owning our

right exactly exactly wow okay

um and where does sex play in all this

and desire

so i mean the one of the fascinating

things for me

in looking at sexuality is that it's

probably

one of the dimensions of relationship

that has changed the most

in a very very short amount of time for

most of history

and it's still the majority of the world

sex is for procreation

sex is a marital duty on the part of the

woman nobody cares particularly if she

likes it and how she feels and if she

wants it

and um and men have the privilege to go

and find sex elsewhere in a very short

amount of time we're talking 60 years

we have contraception which is the

liberation

of women for the first time to free sex

from reproduction from mortality

from death in pregnancy and in

childbirth sorry

all of that and for the first time

sexuality moves from just biology and a

condition

to a part of our identity and a

lifestyle in 60 years

in 60 years the women's movement which

goes

after the abuses of power the gay

movement

which introduces the concept of identity

to sexuality

the fact that sex is for connection and

pleasure the fact that for the first

time we have sex

before marriage and many times a lot we

used to marry and have sex for the first

time

now we marry and we stop having sex with

others

okay monogamy used to be one person for

life

now monogamy is one person at a time and

people go around telling you i'm

monogamous in all my relationships

and it makes perfect sense to me okay

for sure

all of that in a very short amount of

time the fact that i choose you to marry

or to live together doesn't matter

commitment

because i'm attracted to you because you

give me butterflies in my stomach

and the fact that i think that if i

don't have these butterflies anymore

maybe i don't love you anymore

and the fact that sexuality in long-term

relationships

is rooted in one thing only desire i

feel like it

i want to not i have to not we want many

kids

after two kids the only reason to

continue doing it with you is because we

feel like it's right it's fine

it's pleasurable we connect it feels

good it runs

our relationship the whole thing that's

it and hopefully it's at the same time

and for each other

because plenty of desire continues but

it's not always at home

right exactly so this is an amazing

revolution

sex that's confusing all of us and how

do we sustain it so that's why i became

fascinated in

the nature of erotic desire and how do

we sustain desire because it is the

first time

ever that we have a grand experiment of

the human kind where we

want sex with one person in the long

haul

that is fun and connected and intimate

and playful

and we live twice as long go figure

right exactly

for 60 years you're going to be with it

or whatever it is yeah it's an amazing

idea so how do we navigate this if we're

going to choose one partner

and be with them until you know we're

both gone how do we navigate the

challenge of

keeping the desire continuously

i think both men and women because the

woman probably sees other men who are

attracted to her

and you know vice versa so it's like how

do both parties do this look

we know that women get bored with

monogamy much sooner than men

wow it's a factor that's research

okay that's not just fact that's uh that

is men's desire

in long-term relationship goes down

gradually

he actually is much more able to remain

interested

and maybe just because he's interested

in the experience itself and he has a

partner there

women's desire post-marriage wow

and it's always been translated as well

that's because women care less about sex

rather than it's because women care less

about the sex that they can have

in their committed relationships which

is often not interesting enough for them

and it often has to do with the fact

that the story the character the plot

is not in it's not seductive the romance

which is an

essential ingredient of turn on for the

woman

often disappears in the long-term

relationship it's like

people look at each other at the end of

the day and you want to fool around you

want to do it

you're up for it tonight now this is

really not this is

not very much of a turn on for most

women

and the idea that foreplay often starts

at the end of the previous orgasm

you know and not five minutes before the

real thing right which for her is not

the real thing the whole the real thing

is

everything else so it's essentially the

game yes

it's creating a game seduction it's a

plot it's a coming close it's a team

mystery

it's what animals call pacing it's that

i come to you but i don't overwhelm you

i come just a little bit so that you can

come a little bit toward me and then i

don't immediately after i actually go

back a little bit too

have you ever seen animals they do this

kind of pacing

and it is an essential playful

ingredient

of seduction and and excitement

so women's desire plummets but

we interpret it as women are less

interested in sex rather than women are

interested in probably

just about the same kind of things that

many men are but women have always known

what to choose

above what turns them on which was what

gives them stability and security

security

family right someone to protect be there

right so

what people do look this is we want one

partner today to give us everything that

involves stability and security and

everything that involves playfulness and

mystery

okay that's the grand ideal okay i want

to be cozy with you and i want to have

an edge and i want you to surprise me

and i want you to be familiar and i want

you to give me continuity and i want you

to give me novelty

that's it as if it's uh right and no

victoria's secret is going to solve that

yeah right so then it becomes what is

desire desire is

to own the wanting if you ask people a

question that goes like this

i turn myself off when i turn myself

off by not you turn me off

when and what turns me off is

you're gonna hear i turn myself off when

i do emails

when i spend too many time on the phone

when i overeat when i don't

exercise when i have bad bad days at

work

when i don't feel confident when i numb

myself when i feel

dead when i don't feel contriving when

i'm not alive

you will really hear that it has very

little to do with sex

and when you ask people i turn myself on

when

or by i awaken my desires

not you turn me on when and what turns

me on is which is i

you're responsible for my wanting right

what people will talk to you about is

when i'm in nature when i'm connected

with my friends

when i get to do my sports when i play

music when i listen to music

it's through stuff that gives me

pleasure that is

alive that is vibrant that is vital that

is

erotic in the full sense of the word as

life force

and from that place people remain

interested in having sex with somebody

else for the long haul

it's not because they've scratched their

arms for two seconds right

it's i feel good about myself

the biggest turn on is confidence right

confidence you ask people when do you

find yourself most drawn to your partner

every description has to do with when

they're in their element

when they're on stage when they're with

when when when

they're doing their sport when they when

they are radiant

when they are in their studio on the

piano on the horse you name it it's when

they are in their element i.e

they don't need me to take care of them

they're not depressed

and down and lonely and sad they're not

needy they don't

need me because desire is about wanting

you

love is also about needing you

caretaking is a very powerful experience

in love

and it is a very powerful

anti-aphrodisiac so how do you

experience love and desire at the same

time you

calibrate it so sometimes you're it's

the same as when you walk

you have to move from one foot to the

other a balance

is not about staying on one side a

balance is the ability to see

right now we don't need caretaking we

can be mischievous we can be naughty we

can be playful we can break our own

rules we can stay home and not go to

work at eight o'clock

and now we are in a playful zone now we

are

feeling that we are bringing our own

little transgressions home

we are alive we're not just being

dutiful responsible

good citizens right it's that it's very

small

yeah you know i mean i always think when

i go and i see people at lunch and you

see them talking and they're well

dressed and they're awake and all

i think who is here with their partner

because you can see them they're engaged

they're giving the best of themselves

that's erotic

no the majority are not there with their

partner they're there with their friends

with their colleagues their partner is

going to get the leftover when they come

home at night

sorry you know what forget the night

date meet at lunch when you actually

have energy

you know when you and and in the middle

of the day like that when you're awake

when you have something to offer

it's a very small thing but they don't

do it they don't do it and you say why

not

why not why don't you stay an hour extra

at home in the morning and not just

because when you have a headache

and just say this matters to me all in

all

you know committed sex is premeditated

sex

it's not just gonna happen because

whatever is gonna just happen already

has

so you're going to make it happen

because you say

we matter we're important let's do this

let's spend it doesn't mean if you're

going to make love or have so it just

means

we're going to take this hour and

there's nothing else that matters in

this moment but just you

and i to be together to check in and

then we'll see what unfolds

that's the erotic space in which sex may

happen

probably will doesn't have to but it is

the place from which it is much more

likely to emerge

but people don't do that they do the

responsibility

that's the love right the citizen the

commitment the caretaking the burdens

the safe

and then they say i'm bored

i would be too exactly there's no

mystery there's no risk taking right

exactly

there's no risk-taking that's the word

if you want

desire it's risk and the risk is an

emotional risk

it's not about sexy risks it's really a

risk on the emotional front is that

i bring something else to you today

differently

from um differently from from the way i

typically present myself

sure you know how can i do this

something

what can i do today that would be

different from the ways that i've done

it until now

how can i do something that i think

would actually improve our relationship

me right not something that i want or

that you want but that i think would be

actually good for us that third entity

the us

right and you check every time you know

how often do you just go on the tried

and trodden

as in you know it works sex that just

works

for most people is really not

interesting enough right so

because what does it mean it works

generally right

what about the people listening or

saying man that sounds like a lot of

work that every day you have to change

do something different and unique can be

not every day not every day

not every day but what you can do every

day

is just a quick check with yourself you

know is there something

that i should notice is there something

that i can be thankful for is there

a little note that i could write is

there

you know just a way that i can show up

at time

it's small it's really small um

here's the thing there is work and then

there is the creative work

you know i'm talking about a level that

is creative

and that elevates you and that actually

gives you

you feel you feel taller you just feel

like you're engaged you feel awake

rather than this this is the other

seated position it's comfortable it's

great but nothing happens here

sure this this is alert

here's the essential word is curiosity

when you're curious you lean forward and

you watch

you're open to the mysteries of life

this is please don't bother me with

anything because i don't want any

stimulation i've had

my share i've been you know and this is

the position that most people have at

home

so when people say it's too much work

um i basically say look

you you if i was to say this in your

business

would you say this is too much work oh

you would say

that's very good advice this is high

rate consulting fees

it's like excuse me but you don't think

for a minute that your business would

thrive

if you let it languish like that

never you have a reward system you have

incentives

bonuses bonuses but there is no

incentivized system as

in in the private domain so people just

think why bother

right and that's the difference is that

the ones who have good relationships

are the ones who created their own

internal incentive incentivized system

what are some of those incentive systems

that you've seen over time that really

work or effective for

long-term relationships i would say the

first thing is almost one of the first

things that our parents

teach you please and thank you to know

how many people stop thanking their

partners

thank you thank you for doing this for

me to thank you for picking up the

shirts thank you for

you know you feel appreciated yes

appreciation

appreciation is huge uh gratitude

acknowledgement of the presence of the

other in your life

not did you do this did you call

did you pick up do this you know half

the time

expectations expectations of course you

know expectations is often a resentment

in the make

it's like with the expectation comes the

fear of it's not good

thank person first of all and because it

also makes it feel like

this is not a given nobody owes you

squat

you're not owed anything you're not that

important you're actually quite

replaceable

right and with the divorce rate that we

have

um what's the rate at right now about 50

on first and 65 on second

65 and second wow it's not good right

it's really you know it costs a lot of

money

it's not good for the health i mean it's

just like you know it's not good for the

jobs it's it's just

it's like okay now you could say maybe

people should marry but

it doesn't matter if it's marriage

legally or the idea is that

we can do better we can do better in

general i really think that the quality

of our lives depends on the quality of

our relationships i mean nobody's gonna

write

you know uh you

worked some 60 70 80 90 hours a week and

you know no they're going to say he was

there for people when they needed to

he was there at every game he was there

at the party he's the guy who

when you were in his presence he had

charisma

not because he could stand in front of a

huge crowd but he had charisma because

when i was in his

presence he made me feel special it's a

different charisma

so appreciation gratitude thank you

um little things to go out of your way

rather than just to do the minimum

a lot of people start to do the bare

minimum just so that they can't be

scolded

right go an extra thing um on occasion

just do something for the other person

just because it matters to them even if

you couldn't care less

right rather than i don't it's not

important to me

i don't i don't need this or i don't

care about this

uh give each other a lot of individual

space

not everything needs to be shared people

have different passions different

interests different friends

and they need those separate spaces to

exist

admiration i think is huge

because admiration is also that you kind

of really see the otherness of the other

person

don't try to make your partner into one

person for everything

there is no such a person find multiple

sources

of connection of intimacy of friendship

so that you can

have a group of people support you and

don't have one person who has to be

there for you for everything especially

when you're in the dumpster

we used to have a village of people to

do that and now we just expect one

person to be the village

yes yes yes one person for the whole

village that that is that is a unique

it is and and then we're upset when they

don't fulfill the mandate

and that's the more import like i can't

talk to you you're not supportive of me

you're not excited for me you know

excuse me find other people

right you know i can't be everything for

you no exactly no

and if you want to learn more about

mastering relationships

then make sure to check out this video

right here

till that to us apart when de facto

for the majority of couples today it's

still love dies

not till they do us a party that's when

we divorce we break out because we love

dyes