The Single Most Important Parenting Strategy | Becky Kennedy | TED

Summary

このスクリプトは、親子関係に焦点を当てた心理カウンセラーが、親としての完璧さではなく、つながりを修復することの重要性を説く内容です。親が子供に対して怒った後、子供が自己責任を負う代わりに、親が責任を取って修復することで、子供が自己責めから解放され、安全とつながりを学ぶことができるという主張が含まれています。また、修復は成長した後の親密な関係パターンに影響を与えると指摘しています。

Takeaways

• 🤝 人間関係の中で修復は非常に重要で、親子関係だけでなく、どんな有意義な関係にも適用できます。
• 👨‍👦 親子関係において、完璧な親は存在せず、間違いや困難は職務に伴うものです。
• 🛑 衝突の瞬間には、自分の行動を担当し、その影響を認めることが修復の始めです。
• 🚫 謝罪と修復を混同しないようにしましょう。謝罪は会話を終結させるのに対し、修復は会話を開始します。
• 💡 修復が上手くなることで、現実的な希望と可能性が开阔されます。修復は失敗を前提としています。
• 😌 自分自身との修復がまず必要です。自分の行動とアイデンティティを分離し、自分自身を理解しましょう。
• 👶 子供との修復では、起こったことを指摘し、責任を負い、次回はどのように異なる行動を取るかを述べます。
• 🚫 自分の発言の責任を子供に押し付けたり、子供が自分の反応の原因だと示唆する「修復」は避けましょう。
• 🌟 修復によって、子供は自己責任の物語から自己信頼、安全、つながり、愛の物語へと一歩進みます。
• 📚 記憶は元々の出来事とその出来事を思い出くたびに変わります。修復は過去を実際に変える効果があります。
• 💌 どんなに遅くても、子供との修復は永遠に遅すぎることはありません。

Q & A

どのような種類の関係について話されていますか？

話されているのは親子関係ですが、話し手はその考え方を他の有意義な関係にも適用できると述べています。

話者が夕食を作って家族と過ごしていた日に起こったことは何ですか？

話者は夕食を作って家族と過ごしていた時、息子がキッチンに入って「チキンまた？」と不機嫌な様子で言ったことでイライラし、息子を責めた場面になります。

話者はどのような職業を持っていますか？

話者は臨床心理学者で、専門は人々をより良い親に導くことです。

「修復」とは何を意味しますか？

「修復」とは、断つ接続の瞬間に戻り、自分の行動に対して責任を持ち、相手に与えた影響を認める行為を意味します。

謝罪と修復の違いは何ですか？

謝罪は会話を終わらせることを目的とし、「ごめん、私は叫びました。これ以上話さないでください」と言います。一方、修復は会話を開くものです。

話者はなぜ「修復が得意になる」ことを勧めていますか？

話者は、人間関係において最も影響力を持つものが修復であると信じており、謝罪と修復の遷移を通じて、安全、連帯、整合、愛、良さを孩子に教えることができると主張しています。

話者が息子との関係を修復する際に踏んだステップは何ですか？

話者はまず自分自身と修復し、アイデンティティと行動を分離し、自分自身を許容するステップに踏みます。その後、息子と接触し、起こった出来事を認め、責任を持ち、次回はどのように異なる行動を取るかを述べることで修復を進めます。

修復がうまくいかなかった場合、子供にどのような影響がありますか？

もし修復がうまくいかなかった場合、子供は孤独で、圧倒され、ストレス状態にあることから、自己責任に陥ることがあります。

効果的な修復の方法として提案されている例は何ですか？

効果的な修復の例としては、「その夜のキッチンで起こったことを考えています。我叫びました。それは恐ろしい感じだったでしょう。それは君のせいではない。私は次の時、自分を落ち着かせることを努力しています」という言葉が挙げられています。

「修復」を行うことで子供にどのような影響を与えますか？

「修復」を行うことで、子供は自己責任から自己信頼、安全、連帯に変わる物語を持つようになり、将来の親密な関係においても責任を負うことの模範となるようになります。

自分自身との修復において、どのようなことを重要視されていますか？

自分自身との修復において、重要視されていることは、自分のアイデンティティ（自己）と行動を分離し、自分の行動を許容することです。

話者が示唆している「修復」のプロセスはどの年代の子供に適用できますか？

話者によると、「修復」のプロセスは子供の年代に関係なく適用できるものであり、いつでも遅すぎるとは言えないと強調されています。

Outlines

00:00

👨‍👩‍👦亲子関係の修復の重要性

この段落では、親子関係における修復の重要性が説明されています。親として、自分自身の行動がどのように影響を与えるか、またどのように責任を負い、修復を行うかが重要です。話者は、自分自身が親でありながら臨床心理学者の立場から、完璧な親并不存在、そして修復のプロセスを改善するための方法を提案しています。また、修復が行われないと子供が自己責任を負うこと、そしてそれが成年期にまで影響を及ぼす可能性についても触れています。

05:02

🧠自己責めとその影響

この段落では、自己責めがどのように子供の心に影響を与えるかについて説明されています。自己責めは、子供が幼少期に経験した困難な出来事に対する対処方法として機能しますが、成年期に入ると逆に影響を及ぼすことが指摘されています。また、自己責めを抱える大人たちは、うつ病や不安感、価値観の低減に陥る傾向があることも述べられています。しかし、修復を行うことで、子供が自己責任から解放され、安全、つながり、愛、善意の要素を取り入れることができます。

10:02

🤝親子間の修復のプロセス

この段落では、親子間の修復のプロセスが詳細に説明されています。まず、自分自身との修復から始め、自己の行動とアイデンティティを分離し、自分自身に同情を持ち、理解を深めることが重要です。次に、子供との修復に移り、実際に起こったことを指摘し、責任を負い、次に異なる行動を取ることを約束することが求められます。このプロセスに従うことで、親は子供に適切な行動を学ばせ、自己信頼を築くことができます。

Keywords

💡関係

関係は、このビデオの主題である親子関係や、人生で意味のある他の関係を指す言葉です。ビデオでは、関係におけるつながりや断片化、そして修復の重要性が強調されています。例えば、親子が衝突した後、関係を修復することが、子供の自己評価や将来の人間関係に影響を与えることが説明されています。

💡親子関係

親子関係は、このビデオの中心的なテーマの一つであり、親と子の間の相互作用や感情の Dynamism が詳細に説明されています。ビデオは親子間のトラブルを通じて、どのようにして関係を修復するかを学ぶことが重要であることを強調しています。

💡修復

修復は、断片化された関係に戻って、自分の行動を責任を持って、その影響を認めることを行うことを指します。ビデオでは、修復と謝罪を区別し、修復は会話を開始するものであり、謝罪は会話を終えるものであると説明されています。修復は、人間関係における信頼性や安全性を回復し、より良い関係を築くために欠かせない要素です。

💡責任

責任とは、自分自身の行動に対して責を負うことです。ビデオでは、親が子供に対して起こした問題に対して責任を負い、修復のプロセスを通じて子供との関係を改善する重要性が説明されています。

💡自己評価

自己評価は、自分自身に対する価値観や能力についての評価を指します。ビデオでは、親の行動が子供の自己評価にどのように影響を与えるかが説明されています。例えば、親が子供に対して肯定的な姿勢をとることで、子供の自己評価を高めることができます。

💡人間関係

人間関係は、人間同士の相互作用やつながりを指します。ビデオでは、親子関係が人間関係の一形態であり、どのようにして良好な関係を築くことができるかが示されています。また、修復は人間関係の改善において重要な役割を果たすことが強調されています。

💡つながり

つながりは、人や物事同士の間の関係性を指します。ビデオでは、親子関係におけるつながりの重要性が強調されており、どのようにしてそのつながりを修復するかが中心的なテーマとなっています。

💡ストレス

ストレスは、心理的または物理的な要因によって引き起こされる、心の緊張感や不快感を指します。ビデオでは、親がストレスを感じた状況が例に挙げられ、それが親子関係にどのように影響するかが説明されています。

💡感謝

感謝は、他人から受けた好意や支援に対して感じる心の温かみや恩を返すことを指します。ビデオでは、親が子供に感謝を促すことが、親子関係の改善に役立つと説明されています。

💡コミュニケーション

コミュニケーションは、情報や感情を伝えることを指します。ビデオでは、親が子供とのコミュニケーションを円滑にするために、どのようにして効果的に伝えるかが重要であると述べられています。

💡自己責任

自己責任は、自分自身の行動に対して責任を負うことです。ビデオでは、親が子供に対して自己責任を促すことが、子供が成長して自己責任を持つ大人になるための重要な要素であると説明されています。

Highlights

The importance of meaningful relationships in our lives, including parent-child relationships.

The acknowledgment that everyone, including professionals like clinical psychologists, can struggle in their relationships.

The concept of 'repair' as a critical strategy in improving relationships, especially after moments of disconnection.

The differentiation between a repair and an apology, emphasizing the need for open communication rather than closing a conversation.

The realization that no one is a perfect parent and that mistakes are a part of the learning process.

The impact of unrepaired distress on children, leading to self-blame and potential long-term emotional issues.

The adaptive nature of self-blame in children, and its potential harm in adulthood.

The transformative power of repair in changing the narrative from self-blame to self-trust and safety.

The process of self-repair, which involves separating one's identity from their behavior and acknowledging mistakes without defining oneself by them.

The steps to repairing a relationship with a child, including naming what happened, taking responsibility, and stating how one would act differently next time.

The potential for repair to not only mend relationships but also teach children valuable skills like emotional regulation and effective communication.

The misconception that it might be too late to repair relationships, with the reassurance that it is never too late.

The powerful hypothetical scenario of receiving an apologetic call or letter from a parent, illustrating the potential impact of repair at any stage of life.

The reminder that as parents, we have the power to edit the story of our children's lives, emphasizing the importance of timely repair.

The encouragement to embrace the process of repair as a lifelong journey of learning and growth for both parents and children.

The celebration of the audience's engagement and the collective recognition of the value of repair in our relationships.

Transcripts

Alright, quick poll --

raise your hand if you have a relationship in your life

that's meaningful to you.

OK, I assumed, but always good to check our assumptions.

(Laughter)

I’m saying this because

while I'll be focusing today on a parent-child relationship,

please know that everything I'm talking about

is applicable to any meaningful relationship.

So with that in mind, let's jump in.

So it's Sunday night, I'm in my kitchen.

I just finished cooking dinner for my family,

and I am on edge.

I mean, I'm exhausted, I haven't been sleeping well.

I’m anxious about the upcoming workweek,

I'm overwhelmed by all the items on my unfinished to-do list.

And then, my son walks into the kitchen.

He looks at the table and whines,

"Chicken again?"

(Laughter)

"Disgusting."

(Laughter)

And that's it. I snap.

I look at him and I yell,

"What is wrong with you?

Can you be grateful for one thing in your life?"

And things get worse from there.

He screams, "I hate you."

He runs out of the room and he slams his bedroom door.

And now, my self-loathing session begins,

as I say to myself, "What is wrong with me?

I've messed up my kid forever."

Well, if you're a parent, you've probably felt that pain.

For me, it comes with an extra layer of shame.

I mean, I’m a clinical psychologist

and my specialty is helping people become better parents.

(Laughter)

And yet, this is true as well --

there is no such thing as a perfect parent.

Mistakes and struggles, they come with the job,

but no one tells us what to do next.

Do we just move on?

Kind of just pretend the whole thing never happened?

Or if I say something, what are the words?

Well, for years, as a clinical psychologist in private practice,

I saw client after client struggle with this question.

And now, as the creator of the parenting content and community platform

"Good Inside,"

I see millions of parents around the globe struggle with this issue.

All parents yell.

No one knows what to do next.

Well, I'm determined to fill this gap.

After all, there's almost nothing within our interpersonal relationships

that can have as much impact as repair.

Whenever a parent asks me,

"What one parenting strategy should I focus on?"

I always say the same thing:

"Get good at repair."

So what is repair?

Repair is the act of going back to a moment of disconnection.

Taking responsibility for your behavior

and acknowledging the impact it had on another.

And I want to differentiate a repair from an apology,

because when an apology often looks to shut a conversation down --

“Hey, I’m sorry I yelled. Can we move on now?” --

a good repair opens one up.

And if you think about what it means to get good at repair,

there's so much baked-in realism and hope and possibility.

Repair assumes there's been a rupture.

So to repair,

you have to mess up

or fall short of someone else's expectations.

Which means the next time I snap at my kid,

or my husband, or my work colleague,

instead of berating myself,

like I did that night in the kitchen,

I try to remind myself I'm focusing on getting good at repair.

Step one is rupture.

"Check that off, I crushed it."

(Laughter)

Step two is repair.

"I can do this.

I'm actually right on track."

So let's get back to my example.

I'm in the kitchen, my son is in his room.

Well, what will happen if I don't repair?

That’s really important to understand

and helps us make a decision about what to do next.

Well, here are the facts.

My son is alone, overwhelmed

and in a state of distress,

because, let's face it, his mom just became scary mom.

And now, he has to figure out a way to get back

to feeling safe and secure.

And if I don't go help him do that through making a repair,

he has to rely on one of the only coping mechanisms

he has at his own disposal ...

self-blame.

Self-blame sounds like this:

“Something’s wrong with me.

I’m unlovable.

I make bad things happen.”

Ronald Fairbairn may have said it best when he wrote that, for kids,

it is better to be a sinner in a world ruled by God

than to live in a world ruled by the devil.

In other words, it's actually adaptive

for a child to internalize badness and fault,

because at least then, they can hold onto the idea

that their parents and the world around them

is safe and good.

And while self-blame works for us in childhood,

we all know it works against us in adulthood.

“Something’s wrong with me.

I make bad things happen.

I’m unlovable.”

These are the core fears of so many adults.

But really, we see here, they are actually the childhood stories

we wrote when we were left alone

following distressing events that went unrepaired.

Plus, adults with self-blame are vulnerable to depression, anxiety,

deep feelings of worthlessness --

none of which we want for our kids.

And we can do better.

And it doesn't mean we have to be perfect.

When you repair,

you go further than removing a child's story of self-blame.

You get to add in all the elements that were missing in the first place.

Safety, connection, coherence, love, goodness.

It's as if you're saying to a child,

"I will not let this chapter of your life end in self-blame.

Yes, this chapter will still contain the event of yelling,

but I can ensure this chapter has a different ending,

and therefore a different title, and theme and lesson learned."

We know that memory is original events

combined with every other time you've remembered that event.

This is why therapy's helpful, right?

When you remember painful experiences from your past

within a safer and more connected relationship,

the event remains,

but your story of the event, it changes, and then you change.

With repair,

we effectively change the past.

So let's write a better story.

Let's learn how to repair.

Step one, repair with yourself.

That's right.

I mean, you can't offer compassion

or groundedness or understanding to someone else

before you access those qualities within yourself.

Self-repair means separating your identity,

who you are,

from your behavior, what you did.

For me, it means telling myself two things are true.

I’m not proud of my latest behavior

and my latest behavior doesn't define me.

Even as I struggle on the outside, I remain good inside.

I can then start to see that I'm a good parent --

identity --

who was having a hard time -- behavior.

And no, this doesn't let me off the hook.

This is precisely what leaves me on the hook for change.

Because now that I've replaced my spiral with groundedness,

I can actually use my energy

toward thinking about what I want to do differently the next time.

Oh, and I can now use my energy to go repair with my son.

Step two -- repair with your child.

There's no exact formula.

I often think about three elements:

name what happened, take responsibility,

state what you would do differently the next time.

It could come together like this.

"Hey.

I keep thinking about what happened the other night in the kitchen.

I'm sorry I yelled.

I'm sure that felt scary.

And it wasn't your fault.

I'm working on staying calm, even when I'm frustrated."

A 15-second intervention can have a lifelong impact.

I've replaced my child's story of self-blame

with a story of self-trust and safety and connection.

I mean, what a massive upgrade.

And to give a little more clarity around how to repair,

I want to share a few examples of what I call "not repair,"

which are things that come more naturally to most of us --

definitely me included.

"Hey, I'm sorry I yelled at you in the kitchen,

but if you wouldn't have complained about dinner,

it wouldn't have happened."

(Laughter)

Been there? Been there? OK.

Or "You know, you really need to be grateful for things in your life,

like a home-cooked meal.

Then, you won't get yelled at."

(Laughter)

Not only do these interventions fail at the goal of reconnection,

they also insinuate that your child caused your reaction,

which simply isn’t true

and isn't a model of emotion regulation we want to pass on to the next generation.

(Applause)

So let's say we've all resisted

the "it was your fault, anyway" not-repairs,

and have instead prioritized a repair that allows us to reconnect.

What might the impact be? What might that look like in adulthood?

My adult child won’t spiral in self-blame when they make a mistake,

and won’t take on blame for someone else’s mistake.

My adult child will know how to take responsibility for their behavior,

because you've modeled how to take responsibility for yours.

Repairing with a child today

sets the stage for these critical adult relationship patterns.

Plus, it gets better --

now that I've reconnected with my son, I can do something really impactful.

I can teach him a skill he didn't have in the first place,

which is how kids actually change their behavior.

So maybe the next day,

I say "You know, you're not always going to like what I make for dinner.

Instead of saying 'that's disgusting,'

I wonder if you could say 'not my favorite.'"

Now I'm teaching him how to regulate his understandable disappointment,

and communicate effectively and respectfully with another person.

That never would have happened if instead,

I had been blaming him for my reaction.

So here's the point where you might have a lingering concern.

Maybe you're thinking,

"You know, I have a feeling that my kid's older than your kid."

(Laughter)

"I think it's too late."

Or "I have done a lot worse than you did in the kitchen."

(Laughter)

"Maybe it's too late."

Well, I mean this --

if you have only one takeaway from this talk,

please let this be it: It is not too late.

It is never too late.

How do I know?

Well, imagine, right after this, you get a call from one of your parents,

and if neither of your parents are alive,

imagine finding and opening a letter you hadn't seen till that moment.

OK, walk through this with me, here's the call.

"Hey,

I know this sounds out of the blue,

but I've been thinking a lot about your childhood.

And I think there were a lot of moments that felt really bad to you.

And you are right to feel that way.

Those moments weren't your fault.

They were times when I was struggling,

and if I could have gone back, I would have stepped aside,

I would have calmed myself down,

and then found you to help you with whatever you were struggling with.

I'm sorry.

And if you're ever willing to talk to me about any of those moments,

I'll listen.

I won't listen to have a rebuttal. I'll listen to understand.

I love you."

I don't know many adults who don't have a fairly visceral reaction

to that exercise.

I often hear, “Why am I crying?”

Or "Listen, that wouldn't change everything.

But it might change some things."

Well, I definitely do not specialize in math,

but here's something I know with certainty.

If you have a child, that child is younger than you are.

(Laughter)

Always true.

The story of their life is shorter

and even more amenable to editing.

So if that imagined exercise had an impact on you,

imagine the impact an actual repair will have on your child.

See?

I told you, it's never too late.

Thank you.

(Cheers and applause)