My Wife Wants a Divorce (Can My Marriage Be Saved?)

Summary

In the transcript, TJ reaches out for advice on saving his marriage after recent arguments with his wife, who feels disrespected and undervalued. The conversation delves into the root of TJ's behavior, highlighting his unrealistic expectations and lack of consideration for his wife's feelings. A plan is proposed, involving sincere apologies, practical changes in behavior, and a 30-day challenge to fundamentally alter his approach to his family life, aiming to restore love, respect, and service in his role as a husband and father.

Takeaways

• 💡 Recognizing the need for change is the first step towards improvement in relationships.
• 🗣️ Communication is crucial, especially when expressing regret and seeking forgiveness.
• 👫 Active listening and valuing others' opinions are essential in maintaining a healthy marriage.
• 🔄 Changing long-term behavior requires consistent effort and commitment.
• 💔 High expectations and unrealistic standards can lead to disappointment and strain in relationships.
• 🚫 Avoid using 'in the moment' as an excuse for poor behavior; self-reflection is necessary.
• 💕 Service and leadership in a relationship involve lifting up and supporting loved ones, not controlling them.
• 💌 Show love and appreciation through small, consistent acts of kindness.
• 🤝 Reconciliation and rebuilding trust involve sincere apologies and a demonstrated change in actions.
• 🏡 Prioritize family unity and emotional well-being over superficial order and perfection.
• 🌟 Letting go of guilt and shame involves acknowledging mistakes and making amends.

Q & A

What is the main issue TJ is facing in his marriage?

TJ's main issue is his behavior towards his wife, where he disrespects her, doesn't value her decisions and opinions, and criticizes her excessively, leading to arguments and the possibility of divorce.

How does TJ's attitude reflect on his self-perception?

TJ's attitude reflects that he is unhappy with himself and the life he has created, leading him to project negative feelings onto others and set unrealistic expectations for his family.

What advice does Dr. John give TJ to improve his relationship with his wife?

Dr. John advises TJ to genuinely apologize to his wife, ask her how he can love and serve her better, and back up his words with consistent actions that demonstrate his commitment to change.

What is the 30-day challenge that Dr. John proposes to TJ?

The 30-day challenge involves TJ performing acts of service for his wife, such as filling her car with gas every Sunday night while praying for their marriage, and changing his response to household issues from criticism to service.

How does Dr. John suggest TJ change his interaction with his wife?

Dr. John suggests that TJ should focus on serving his wife instead of criticizing her, and whenever he feels the urge to criticize, he should instead find ways to help or serve her in that situation.

What is the consequence TJ must face if he criticizes his wife during the 30-day challenge?

If TJ criticizes his wife during the 30-day challenge, he must send $25 to the charity of her choice as a way to take responsibility for his actions.

How does Dr. John recommend TJ improve his relationship with his children?

Dr. John recommends TJ to practice patience and understanding with his children, apologize when he loses his temper, and focus on building a supportive and loving relationship rather than stressing over minor issues.

What is the core message Dr. John conveys to TJ about his role as a husband and father?

The core message is that TJ's role as a husband and father should be about service, support, and love rather than criticism and control, and that by changing his behavior, he can save his marriage and family relationships.

What book does Dr. John offer to TJ to further help him with his situation?

Dr. John offers TJ a copy of his book, 'Building a Non-Anxious Life,' which provides additional guidance and a roadmap for creating a more fulfilling and less anxiety-inducing life.

How does the conversation with Dr. John impact TJ's perspective?

The conversation leads TJ to recognize the need for significant changes in his behavior and attitude, and he expresses a commitment to work on improving his relationships with his wife and children.

What is the significance of the advice given by Dr. John in terms of long-term change?

The advice is significant because it addresses the root of TJ's issues, which is his self-perception and how it affects his interactions with his family. By focusing on personal growth and service, TJ can break the cycle of negativity and build stronger, healthier relationships.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 Reflecting on Marital Conflicts and Personal Behavior

The paragraph revolves around a conversation between Dr. John and TJ, who is seeking advice on how to improve his behavior to save his marriage. TJ acknowledges that recent arguments with his wife have led her to consider divorce due to feelings of disrespect and lack of value for her opinions. Dr. John points out TJ's lack of consideration for his wife's feelings and suggests that TJ's current behavior is a deviation from who he used to be. They discuss the impact of life changes on TJ's attitude and the importance of addressing the root cause of his behavior rather than just the symptoms.

05:02

😞 Unhappiness and Unrealistic Expectations

This paragraph delves into TJ's dissatisfaction with his life and the unrealistic expectations he has set for his family. He admits to feeling defensive when reality does not align with his vision. The conversation highlights how TJ's external metrics of success, such as cleanliness and church attendance, are not fulfilling and may be causing unnecessary stress. Dr. John suggests that TJ's unhappiness stems from his own self-esteem issues and a tendency to project negative feelings onto others, leading to a cycle of discontent and conflict within the family.

10:04

🙏 Steps to Reconciliation and Change

In this paragraph, Dr. John provides TJ with a set of actionable steps to mend his relationship with his wife and children. He emphasizes the need for sincere apologies, commitment to change, and a shift from criticism to service. Specific actions include a heartfelt apology to his wife, a 30-day challenge of performing acts of service without expecting anything in return, and changing the dynamic of the family home from one of criticism to one of support and love. Dr. John encourages TJ to take responsibility for his actions and to work on becoming a better husband and father.

15:05

💡 Recognizing the Importance of Support and Understanding

The paragraph focuses on the importance of TJ changing his approach to family life. He is encouraged to be more supportive and understanding, rather than expecting perfection from his family. Dr. John emphasizes that TJ's expectations of having everything in order are not only unrealistic but also detrimental to his family's happiness. The conversation touches on the need for TJ to be more present and helpful in his family's daily life, offering assistance instead of criticism, and fostering a more loving and cooperative home environment.

20:06

🌟 Embracing Service and Leadership in the Family

The final paragraph of the script reinforces the idea of service and leadership within the family. Dr. John encourages TJ to adopt a servant leadership role, where he uplifts and supports his family members rather than controlling and criticizing them. The conversation concludes with Dr. John offering TJ a copy of his book to further aid in his journey of personal growth and transformation. TJ is motivated to make significant changes in his life to improve his relationships and overall family dynamics.

Keywords

💡Behavior Change

Behavior change refers to the process of modifying one's actions or reactions, often to improve personal or interpersonal relationships. In the video, the caller TJ seeks advice on how to change his behavior to save his marriage, indicating a recognition of the need for personal growth and better communication with his spouse.

💡Marriage

Marriage is a legally and socially recognized union between two individuals, typically involving commitments to build a life together. In the context of the video, TJ's marriage is facing challenges due to his behavior, and he is actively seeking solutions to mend the relationship.

💡Respect

Respect is a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements. In the video, TJ's lack of respect for his wife is a significant issue that he needs to address to improve their relationship.

💡Communication

Communication is the exchange of information, ideas, or feelings. Effective communication is crucial in any relationship, including marriage. The video emphasizes the importance of improving communication skills to resolve conflicts and misunderstandings.

💡Self-Reflection

Self-reflection involves examining one's own thoughts, emotions, and behaviors to gain a deeper understanding of oneself. In the video, TJ engages in self-reflection to identify the root causes of his negative behavior towards his wife.

💡Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the act of letting go of resentment or anger towards someone who has wronged you. In the video, TJ is advised to seek his wife's forgiveness as a step towards mending their relationship.

💡Service

Service refers to the action of helping or doing work for someone. In the context of the video, service is presented as a way for TJ to demonstrate his love and commitment to his family by taking on tasks and responsibilities without expecting anything in return.

💡Expectations

Expectations are beliefs about what will happen or what someone should do. In the video, TJ's high expectations of his family and himself are identified as a source of stress and disappointment.

💡Accountability

Accountability is the willingness to accept responsibility for one's actions and decisions. In the video, TJ is held accountable for his behavior and its impact on his family, and he is encouraged to take steps to rectify the situation.

💡Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to understand and manage one's own emotions, as well as the emotions of others. In the video, TJ's lack of emotional intelligence is evident in his inability to empathize with his wife's feelings and his tendency to react negatively to situations.

💡Family Dynamics

Family dynamics refer to the patterns of interaction, communication, and behavior within a family system. The video discusses the importance of healthy family dynamics and how TJ's behavior affects the harmony and balance of his family life.

Highlights

TJ seeks advice on how to change his behavior to save his marriage, acknowledging recent arguments and his wife's consideration of divorce.

The radio host points out that TJ's wife feels disrespected and undervalued, and challenges TJ to reflect on his treatment of her.

TJ admits that he doesn't consider his wife's feelings and opinions, indicating a possible selfish attitude.

The host highlights that TJ and his wife's dynamic has changed since they first met, with the wife missing the supportive and easygoing TJ from the past.

TJ recognizes that he has become someone he doesn't want to be, pointing to life changes as a possible reason for his current behavior.

The radio host emphasizes that 'in the moment' is not an excuse and suggests that TJ has set himself up for failure by not considering the impact of his actions.

TJ admits he doesn't know how to fix his behavior, showing a willingness to seek help and change.

The host points out that TJ's high expectations for his family might be rooted in his dissatisfaction with his own life.

The conversation reveals TJ's realization that he has outsourced his sense of self-worth to the performance of his family.

The host suggests that TJ's unhappiness with his life has led him to project negative feelings onto his family.

TJ is asked to evaluate his own life and identify the sources of his discontent, leading to a moment of introspection.

The host proposes a 30-day challenge for TJ, urging immediate action to change his behavior and save his marriage.

TJ is instructed to apologize to his wife and children, and to start showing his love and commitment through actions.

The host emphasizes the importance of service in a relationship, suggesting TJ shift from criticism to service.

TJ is advised to practice asking for forgiveness and to make amends for his behavior, fostering a healthier family dynamic.

The host encourages TJ to hold a family meeting to communicate his intention to change and his need for support.

TJ is reminded that changing his behavior is a process that requires practice, patience, and commitment.

Transcripts

[Music]

let's go out to Minneapolis and talk to

TJ what's up

TJ hi Dr John thanks for taking my call

of course man how are

you uh doing better than I deserve I

guess excellent excellent I like it so

what's up

man um just calling to see how I can

change my behavior longterm to help save

my marriage what's going

on um there's been some recent arguments

I've had with uh my wife and come to the

point where she's stated that she's

weighing the options of divorce and

um basically Pinnacle in from I don't uh

respect her and I don't value her

decisions and her opinions and ideas and

criticize her too much is she right

right

definitely

H I would say so so what's what's the I

guess the logical question is tell me

about your reasons for treating her that

way because based on what you just said

if she was my daughter she was my sister

I would say yeah dude I'll help you out

I'll call the lawyer for

you yeah I just in the moment I guess I

don't don't think about how she feels

about

stuff guess why do you wait till the

moment I don't know I I don't really

think about her opinion I guess I don't

know if it's a selfish thing or yeah

1,000% how long have you been

married it'll be 10 years on the 1 of

February okay so this been going on a

long time has it always been this way

and she just said I just can't do it

anymore um actually talked about that

and she did say that when we first met

it wasn't like this at all we met in

high school we were a different point in

our life than we are now but then when

we first met they full Cal Collective

never got worked up about anything and

now he doesn't see that anymore so

what's happened in your life man you've

become somebody you don't want to

be somebody that you didn't used to be

but now you are

I I don't really know I guess I've had a

lot of Life Changes since that point in

my life and well we all had Life Changes

man but we don't all treat our

wife the way you treat yours as though

there's somebody not worthy of

us I I

guess is she not doing something is she

not stepping up to the here's the deal I

don't care about in the moment in the

moment is an excuse use like if I

surround if I go to the grocery store

and I buy tons of junk food and I fill

my house up with it and every cabinet's

full of junk

food and then I wait for a moment when I

get mad or when something happens or

when a bill is higher than I thought it

was going to be or a paycheck is lower

than I thought it was going to be or my

middle school or mouth's off in that

moment I have set myself up to

fail because now I'm going to open a

cabinet there's going to be junk food

I'm going to eat it or if I struggle

with alcohol there's going to be the

alcohol I'm going to grab it I'm going

to drink it and so I in the moment in

the moment in the moment that's not

where the focus has to

begin because in the moment is just a re

it's a it's a it reveals the state of

things in the

moment right right so back me out of

this thing

man um you've created a world for

yourself where you in the moment you are

unable to be who you want to be or you

choose to not be who you want to be let

me say it like

that so tell me about this world does

she not love you anymore does she not

care about you

anymore do you not like who you see in

the mirror

anymore

um she still loves me she says that she

loves me and it's definitely part of I

don't like how I see in the Mirror by

the way I act around her and other

people too in some regards as well

it's I I don't know

how to fix myself in that way I guess in

the fact

of I just see a an issue or a problem

and I just want to address it and I

don't really take in regard how people

think about that and I just want to

solve the problem I guess but you don't

want to solve the problem of being a

better dad or a better

husband because if it was just that easy

to just solve it that's just who I am I

just like to get in there and solve it

why don't you just get in there and

solve this

one because I think it's deeper than

that

what has happened in the last 10 years

of your life that makes you not happy

with the life you've created for

TJ my expectations

for how I perceive my immediate family

should be and how you know we

should we should make this much we

should do this much we should you know

go to church we should

just trying to set these expectations

for what I have my my my kids' room

should be clean you

know I just have this bar set of where I

see our lives and then

when it it doesn't line up with my

vision of it

I what is that what does that imaginary

fantasy Vision get you CU I have a

similar one I want my rooms my kids'

rooms to be clean my family to go to

church I want my family I want to make

this much money I have that too I have

incredibly high

standards um I don't know when when I

don't see that I happening or my vision

of that happening I I don't want to say

I take it as like a personal attack but

I guess I I get on the defensive about

of why why hasn't this been done or why

would you think that or I don't like

that idea so almost every I'll just cut

to the chase here man almost every

person I've talked to over the last 20

years in this situation

who puts external um external metrics on

those closest to them external

expectations I want my kids's room to be

clean my son's room to be

clean because I know he has my

brain and I know that cluttering chaos

will make his day more difficult and

challenging I also know that long term

for him to be a man who gets things done

in an orderly fashion and to become some

sort of husband to somebody someday

there has to be some sort of order and

some sort of ritualistic cleaning and

tidying up after himself that's

psychology right I know the data

there but it's not I don't carry it as

though it's in a front to my

um my self-esteem I don't look at his

dirty room as though I have failed as

father and he has failed

me and almost every time I talk to

somebody with who lives the way you

live is you don't like yourself so

much and you are so um bored and

exhausted with the life you've created

for yourself that the only way you can

get out of that is to put all of those

negative feelings that you have toward

yourself on other people and you create

these

standards and the standards in of

themselves aren't the problem it's that

those standards are signals to you of

your

worth your value and if somebody causes

your value to be less than you lose

it sounds accurate so I'll ask you why

don't you like TJ do you not make enough

money have you gained a bunch of weight

do you not like having kids do you wish

you hadn't been married like what had

you live in the wrong

town what is it about the world you've

created that makes you so freaking

miserable I I don't know I think it's

just the unrealistic expectations I've

set in myself and my family cuz I for

forget your family for a second forget

for your family for a second what are

you you failing

in be honest it's probably being a good

husband and a good father but that's

obviously not my front of my mind when

these things are coming

up well if you have created a lie in

your head that says I'm a good father

and a good husband because my wife does

X Y and Z and I'm a good father and a

good husband cuz my kids the room is

always perfect their clothes are always

perfect their grades are

perfect and if you have ex if you have

outsourced that sense of I'm a good

husband and a good dad to the

performance of other people when they

fail in their performance then you

suddenly are a

failure do you realize how you've made

your wife and your kids your kids your

report

card and that's not their

job you're

right

you're right is that

fair yeah

and and since I wrote Into the show it's

been a little bit and I've I've been

told for my wife that things have been

getting better and I've been criticizing

her less and not not dismissing her

opinions when it comes to our life

decisions as much yeah I you're still

headed straight for divorce

court because this is not going to be

done by just reducing it to a trickle

you have to change your

life how serious are you about keeping

this

marriage oh 100% how serious are you

about keeping your

kids th% do you understand you're about

to lose them

both I do okay how radical are you

willing to

get as as radical as I need to be all

right

sometime this week probably not tonight

because you need a

minute I want you to take your wife's

hands and by the way don't read the

comments on this because you're going to

get a bunch of moronic idiots who have

never held a marriage together and don't

know what being a good father looks like

okay you got you got you promise me on

that one I promise you all right by the

time this comes out you'll have already

done a 30-day challenge I'm giving you

30 days okay

right actually you know what I take that

back

tonight I want you to put the kids to

bed and tell your wife you have

something important to talk to her

about and I want you to get on both of

your knees in front of your wife and

hold both of her hands and say I am so

sorry I'm begging for your

forgiveness will you forgive me for the

man I have become and the way I've

treated you and our

children I'm

sorry no

explanations no but you know because

just

beg for forgiveness because she's

walking out the

door

okay okay that's number one number two I

want you to look her in the eye and say

this little Act Right Here means nothing

if I don't back it up with

action so I want you both to get up and

sit at a table and I want you to get out

a pen and a paper and S ask her this

question how can I love

you

and tell her I'm not going to respond

I'm not going to speak I'm simply going

to write this down here's what we're

doing we are over hitting the pendulum

the other way there's going to have to

be some balance here but right now you

have to change the way you interact with

the most important people in your

life and so this can't pass your

algorithms this can't pass your rational

thinking that doesn't even make sense

but you go by the gas station every day

why should I fill up your car I'm going

to fill your car up with gas every

Sunday night

and I'm going to pray for you and our

marriage on the way to the gas station

on the way back it's going to be an act

of monastic

service after the kids are in bed after

you're in bed I'm going to get in the

car and I'm going to drive it I'm going

to pray for you and our marriage I'm

going to fill your car up with gas every

Sunday

night and if she says when I get home

from work I just want to talk to you and

I don't want to be told how dumb I am

and I don't want you looking at which

things aren't done in the

house and that leads me number three

every time you walk in the house and

start to criticize something you go do

it I can't believe there's dishes left

in I'm going to go do those

dishes this isn't Forever This is for 30

days because I want you to begin to

switch your body's understanding of what

being a husband is a husband is not um

your wife performing for you so that you

feel feel good about yourself a husband

is about

service and so I want you to begin

looking at challenges in your home quote

unquote problems messes little things

big things not as things to point out

for other people to fix for you but for

ways you can

serve you see the flip

there I do you're still going to notice

the carpet that needs to be vacuumed

you're still going to notice the kids

clothes in the corner but instead of

noticing them as wife failures thus

husband failure you're going to notice

them as oh sweet I get to serve my

family I think that perspective would

definitely help is that

fair that's fair okay for 30

days every time you criticize her you

have to send $25 to the charity of her

choice now that doesn't mean you don't

get an opinion in your own home what

that means is you you have to be a man

of strength and bravery and you have to

say the word I not you didn't you have

to say I need to come up with a solution

about all these dirty clothes everywhere

how can I

help versus you always leave all the you

see what I'm saying see the

difference

definitely hey hun when I get home I

have this picture in my head that we're

going to have like dinner just going to

be ready to rock and roll and I know

you're running around with the kids I

know you've got your own job I know

whatever is going on in your life what

can I do to help

this see how one is an

invitation a curious invitation and the

other is an accusation and a

criticism every time you use the word

you you're going to put $25 in a jar or

you're going to write a check and you're

going to send it to wherever she wants

you to send it fair that's fair okay on

a daily basis this is number four before

she leaves the house I want you to hold

her ask her can I give you a hug hug a

long one and I want you to hold her and

there's not going to be an Roi on this

hug that's immediate there's not going

to be like I've got 15 seconds not that

I'm gonna hold my

wife and then I want you to ask her how

can I love you

today and here's what we're doing dude

we are

practicing okay we're practice here

whenever you see your kid's room messed

up and it starts to set off I'm failing

as a dad and those kids need to relax

man relax my office in my house is an

absolute nightmare it's a disaster right

now it shouldn't be but it

is and I had an incredible Financial

year and I wrote two bestselling books

over the last two years and I've got a

good show my life's okay your kids are

going to be

fine

okay okay if I have to make a an error

one way or the other I'd rather my kids

kids want to come home and be with me

than have had a perfectly made bed their

whole

childhood is making your bed important

absolutely picking up your clothes

important lesson to teach kids no

question about

it am I going to burn my relationship

with my kids to the ground over that no

way and that's and I I realize that when

I'm in those after I'm in those

situations and I just feel after that

like doing their homework with them and

I get frustrated and why don't you

understand this and then after the fact

that they're just sad and so you're

gonna here's number five I'm giving it

to you you have to begin to Circle back

and say I'm sorry your Daddy messed that

up do you forgive

me and they'll say it's okay Daddy and

you'll say no it's not because Dad

shouldn't talk to their kids like that

I'm sorry I know you're trying your best

I remember how hard school was for me

too

you see how easy that is

man yeah like I can feel my shoulders

relaxing just saying that it takes so

much pressure off that you have to be

this perfect thing and then you have

that guilt and shame the only way you

can feel guilt theil the guilt and shame

the only way you can make it go away is

to then try to feel powerful again and

the only way you can feel powerful is by

beating up on your wife and your kids

again and it just creates this this Loop

That Never Ends until your wife walks

out the door

and so you have to open your hands and

let it go and you're going to find a

strange thing the more you honor your

wife the more you say I'm sorry to your

kids when you blow up by the way I'd

have a family meeting where you say

Daddy has become very

mean and I don't like it anymore and

Dad's going to make some big changes

around here but sometimes I'm going to

have to just walk away for a minute cuz

that's Daddy working on and practicing

not being mean and so if I walk away I

want you to know it's cuz I love you I

want you to tell your kids that I want

you to tell your wife

that you got to stop the cycle man is

that fair that's fair absolutely okay so

I've given you the road map dude I'm

also going to send you a copy of my book

building a non-anxious life it's got a

road map in there too and my guess is

you have built for yourself such a

tightly wound

life that is hard to maneuver inside of

that thing and so it's just leaking out

on everybody you

love I will say this I'm proud of you

for saying I've got to I've got to do

something different because you don't

like criticizing all the time you don't

you miss your

wife you don't you like sitting there

working on homework with your kids even

when it's frustrating and hard but you

don't like that look when you say are

you kidding me how do you not know this

and they just Dro their head

you don't want this either no dad

does be with your family not over

them be with your family and when you're

going to find his service and

Leadership comes underneath people and

lifts them up it doesn't Lord over

them I've given you the road mat my

brother hang on the line I'll hook you

up with the book too best of luck to you

man I hope you change

everything I think you

can