My Wife Wants a Divorce (Can My Marriage Be Saved?)
Summary
TLDRIn the transcript, TJ reaches out for advice on saving his marriage after recent arguments with his wife, who feels disrespected and undervalued. The conversation delves into the root of TJ's behavior, highlighting his unrealistic expectations and lack of consideration for his wife's feelings. A plan is proposed, involving sincere apologies, practical changes in behavior, and a 30-day challenge to fundamentally alter his approach to his family life, aiming to restore love, respect, and service in his role as a husband and father.
Takeaways
- 💡 Recognizing the need for change is the first step towards improvement in relationships.
- 🗣️ Communication is crucial, especially when expressing regret and seeking forgiveness.
- 👫 Active listening and valuing others' opinions are essential in maintaining a healthy marriage.
- 🔄 Changing long-term behavior requires consistent effort and commitment.
- 💔 High expectations and unrealistic standards can lead to disappointment and strain in relationships.
- 🚫 Avoid using 'in the moment' as an excuse for poor behavior; self-reflection is necessary.
- 💕 Service and leadership in a relationship involve lifting up and supporting loved ones, not controlling them.
- 💌 Show love and appreciation through small, consistent acts of kindness.
- 🤝 Reconciliation and rebuilding trust involve sincere apologies and a demonstrated change in actions.
- 🏡 Prioritize family unity and emotional well-being over superficial order and perfection.
- 🌟 Letting go of guilt and shame involves acknowledging mistakes and making amends.
Q & A
What is the main issue TJ is facing in his marriage?
-TJ's main issue is his behavior towards his wife, where he disrespects her, doesn't value her decisions and opinions, and criticizes her excessively, leading to arguments and the possibility of divorce.
How does TJ's attitude reflect on his self-perception?
-TJ's attitude reflects that he is unhappy with himself and the life he has created, leading him to project negative feelings onto others and set unrealistic expectations for his family.
What advice does Dr. John give TJ to improve his relationship with his wife?
-Dr. John advises TJ to genuinely apologize to his wife, ask her how he can love and serve her better, and back up his words with consistent actions that demonstrate his commitment to change.
What is the 30-day challenge that Dr. John proposes to TJ?
-The 30-day challenge involves TJ performing acts of service for his wife, such as filling her car with gas every Sunday night while praying for their marriage, and changing his response to household issues from criticism to service.
How does Dr. John suggest TJ change his interaction with his wife?
-Dr. John suggests that TJ should focus on serving his wife instead of criticizing her, and whenever he feels the urge to criticize, he should instead find ways to help or serve her in that situation.
What is the consequence TJ must face if he criticizes his wife during the 30-day challenge?
-If TJ criticizes his wife during the 30-day challenge, he must send $25 to the charity of her choice as a way to take responsibility for his actions.
How does Dr. John recommend TJ improve his relationship with his children?
-Dr. John recommends TJ to practice patience and understanding with his children, apologize when he loses his temper, and focus on building a supportive and loving relationship rather than stressing over minor issues.
What is the core message Dr. John conveys to TJ about his role as a husband and father?
-The core message is that TJ's role as a husband and father should be about service, support, and love rather than criticism and control, and that by changing his behavior, he can save his marriage and family relationships.
What book does Dr. John offer to TJ to further help him with his situation?
-Dr. John offers TJ a copy of his book, 'Building a Non-Anxious Life,' which provides additional guidance and a roadmap for creating a more fulfilling and less anxiety-inducing life.
How does the conversation with Dr. John impact TJ's perspective?
-The conversation leads TJ to recognize the need for significant changes in his behavior and attitude, and he expresses a commitment to work on improving his relationships with his wife and children.
What is the significance of the advice given by Dr. John in terms of long-term change?
-The advice is significant because it addresses the root of TJ's issues, which is his self-perception and how it affects his interactions with his family. By focusing on personal growth and service, TJ can break the cycle of negativity and build stronger, healthier relationships.
Outlines
🤔 Reflecting on Marital Conflicts and Personal Behavior
The paragraph revolves around a conversation between Dr. John and TJ, who is seeking advice on how to improve his behavior to save his marriage. TJ acknowledges that recent arguments with his wife have led her to consider divorce due to feelings of disrespect and lack of value for her opinions. Dr. John points out TJ's lack of consideration for his wife's feelings and suggests that TJ's current behavior is a deviation from who he used to be. They discuss the impact of life changes on TJ's attitude and the importance of addressing the root cause of his behavior rather than just the symptoms.
😞 Unhappiness and Unrealistic Expectations
This paragraph delves into TJ's dissatisfaction with his life and the unrealistic expectations he has set for his family. He admits to feeling defensive when reality does not align with his vision. The conversation highlights how TJ's external metrics of success, such as cleanliness and church attendance, are not fulfilling and may be causing unnecessary stress. Dr. John suggests that TJ's unhappiness stems from his own self-esteem issues and a tendency to project negative feelings onto others, leading to a cycle of discontent and conflict within the family.
🙏 Steps to Reconciliation and Change
In this paragraph, Dr. John provides TJ with a set of actionable steps to mend his relationship with his wife and children. He emphasizes the need for sincere apologies, commitment to change, and a shift from criticism to service. Specific actions include a heartfelt apology to his wife, a 30-day challenge of performing acts of service without expecting anything in return, and changing the dynamic of the family home from one of criticism to one of support and love. Dr. John encourages TJ to take responsibility for his actions and to work on becoming a better husband and father.
💡 Recognizing the Importance of Support and Understanding
The paragraph focuses on the importance of TJ changing his approach to family life. He is encouraged to be more supportive and understanding, rather than expecting perfection from his family. Dr. John emphasizes that TJ's expectations of having everything in order are not only unrealistic but also detrimental to his family's happiness. The conversation touches on the need for TJ to be more present and helpful in his family's daily life, offering assistance instead of criticism, and fostering a more loving and cooperative home environment.
🌟 Embracing Service and Leadership in the Family
The final paragraph of the script reinforces the idea of service and leadership within the family. Dr. John encourages TJ to adopt a servant leadership role, where he uplifts and supports his family members rather than controlling and criticizing them. The conversation concludes with Dr. John offering TJ a copy of his book to further aid in his journey of personal growth and transformation. TJ is motivated to make significant changes in his life to improve his relationships and overall family dynamics.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Behavior Change
💡Marriage
💡Respect
💡Communication
💡Self-Reflection
💡Forgiveness
💡Service
💡Expectations
💡Accountability
💡Emotional Intelligence
💡Family Dynamics
Highlights
TJ seeks advice on how to change his behavior to save his marriage, acknowledging recent arguments and his wife's consideration of divorce.
The radio host points out that TJ's wife feels disrespected and undervalued, and challenges TJ to reflect on his treatment of her.
TJ admits that he doesn't consider his wife's feelings and opinions, indicating a possible selfish attitude.
The host highlights that TJ and his wife's dynamic has changed since they first met, with the wife missing the supportive and easygoing TJ from the past.
TJ recognizes that he has become someone he doesn't want to be, pointing to life changes as a possible reason for his current behavior.
The radio host emphasizes that 'in the moment' is not an excuse and suggests that TJ has set himself up for failure by not considering the impact of his actions.
TJ admits he doesn't know how to fix his behavior, showing a willingness to seek help and change.
The host points out that TJ's high expectations for his family might be rooted in his dissatisfaction with his own life.
The conversation reveals TJ's realization that he has outsourced his sense of self-worth to the performance of his family.
The host suggests that TJ's unhappiness with his life has led him to project negative feelings onto his family.
TJ is asked to evaluate his own life and identify the sources of his discontent, leading to a moment of introspection.
The host proposes a 30-day challenge for TJ, urging immediate action to change his behavior and save his marriage.
TJ is instructed to apologize to his wife and children, and to start showing his love and commitment through actions.
The host emphasizes the importance of service in a relationship, suggesting TJ shift from criticism to service.
TJ is advised to practice asking for forgiveness and to make amends for his behavior, fostering a healthier family dynamic.
The host encourages TJ to hold a family meeting to communicate his intention to change and his need for support.
TJ is reminded that changing his behavior is a process that requires practice, patience, and commitment.
Transcripts
[Music]
let's go out to Minneapolis and talk to
TJ what's up
TJ hi Dr John thanks for taking my call
of course man how are
you uh doing better than I deserve I
guess excellent excellent I like it so
what's up
man um just calling to see how I can
change my behavior longterm to help save
my marriage what's going
on um there's been some recent arguments
I've had with uh my wife and come to the
point where she's stated that she's
weighing the options of divorce and
um basically Pinnacle in from I don't uh
respect her and I don't value her
decisions and her opinions and ideas and
criticize her too much is she right
right
definitely
H I would say so so what's what's the I
guess the logical question is tell me
about your reasons for treating her that
way because based on what you just said
if she was my daughter she was my sister
I would say yeah dude I'll help you out
I'll call the lawyer for
you yeah I just in the moment I guess I
don't don't think about how she feels
about
stuff guess why do you wait till the
moment I don't know I I don't really
think about her opinion I guess I don't
know if it's a selfish thing or yeah
1,000% how long have you been
married it'll be 10 years on the 1 of
February okay so this been going on a
long time has it always been this way
and she just said I just can't do it
anymore um actually talked about that
and she did say that when we first met
it wasn't like this at all we met in
high school we were a different point in
our life than we are now but then when
we first met they full Cal Collective
never got worked up about anything and
now he doesn't see that anymore so
what's happened in your life man you've
become somebody you don't want to
be somebody that you didn't used to be
but now you are
I I don't really know I guess I've had a
lot of Life Changes since that point in
my life and well we all had Life Changes
man but we don't all treat our
wife the way you treat yours as though
there's somebody not worthy of
us I I
guess is she not doing something is she
not stepping up to the here's the deal I
don't care about in the moment in the
moment is an excuse use like if I
surround if I go to the grocery store
and I buy tons of junk food and I fill
my house up with it and every cabinet's
full of junk
food and then I wait for a moment when I
get mad or when something happens or
when a bill is higher than I thought it
was going to be or a paycheck is lower
than I thought it was going to be or my
middle school or mouth's off in that
moment I have set myself up to
fail because now I'm going to open a
cabinet there's going to be junk food
I'm going to eat it or if I struggle
with alcohol there's going to be the
alcohol I'm going to grab it I'm going
to drink it and so I in the moment in
the moment in the moment that's not
where the focus has to
begin because in the moment is just a re
it's a it's a it reveals the state of
things in the
moment right right so back me out of
this thing
man um you've created a world for
yourself where you in the moment you are
unable to be who you want to be or you
choose to not be who you want to be let
me say it like
that so tell me about this world does
she not love you anymore does she not
care about you
anymore do you not like who you see in
the mirror
anymore
um she still loves me she says that she
loves me and it's definitely part of I
don't like how I see in the Mirror by
the way I act around her and other
people too in some regards as well
it's I I don't know
how to fix myself in that way I guess in
the fact
of I just see a an issue or a problem
and I just want to address it and I
don't really take in regard how people
think about that and I just want to
solve the problem I guess but you don't
want to solve the problem of being a
better dad or a better
husband because if it was just that easy
to just solve it that's just who I am I
just like to get in there and solve it
why don't you just get in there and
solve this
one because I think it's deeper than
that
what has happened in the last 10 years
of your life that makes you not happy
with the life you've created for
TJ my expectations
for how I perceive my immediate family
should be and how you know we
should we should make this much we
should do this much we should you know
go to church we should
just trying to set these expectations
for what I have my my my kids' room
should be clean you
know I just have this bar set of where I
see our lives and then
when it it doesn't line up with my
vision of it
I what is that what does that imaginary
fantasy Vision get you CU I have a
similar one I want my rooms my kids'
rooms to be clean my family to go to
church I want my family I want to make
this much money I have that too I have
incredibly high
standards um I don't know when when I
don't see that I happening or my vision
of that happening I I don't want to say
I take it as like a personal attack but
I guess I I get on the defensive about
of why why hasn't this been done or why
would you think that or I don't like
that idea so almost every I'll just cut
to the chase here man almost every
person I've talked to over the last 20
years in this situation
who puts external um external metrics on
those closest to them external
expectations I want my kids's room to be
clean my son's room to be
clean because I know he has my
brain and I know that cluttering chaos
will make his day more difficult and
challenging I also know that long term
for him to be a man who gets things done
in an orderly fashion and to become some
sort of husband to somebody someday
there has to be some sort of order and
some sort of ritualistic cleaning and
tidying up after himself that's
psychology right I know the data
there but it's not I don't carry it as
though it's in a front to my
um my self-esteem I don't look at his
dirty room as though I have failed as
father and he has failed
me and almost every time I talk to
somebody with who lives the way you
live is you don't like yourself so
much and you are so um bored and
exhausted with the life you've created
for yourself that the only way you can
get out of that is to put all of those
negative feelings that you have toward
yourself on other people and you create
these
standards and the standards in of
themselves aren't the problem it's that
those standards are signals to you of
your
worth your value and if somebody causes
your value to be less than you lose
it sounds accurate so I'll ask you why
don't you like TJ do you not make enough
money have you gained a bunch of weight
do you not like having kids do you wish
you hadn't been married like what had
you live in the wrong
town what is it about the world you've
created that makes you so freaking
miserable I I don't know I think it's
just the unrealistic expectations I've
set in myself and my family cuz I for
forget your family for a second forget
for your family for a second what are
you you failing
in be honest it's probably being a good
husband and a good father but that's
obviously not my front of my mind when
these things are coming
up well if you have created a lie in
your head that says I'm a good father
and a good husband because my wife does
X Y and Z and I'm a good father and a
good husband cuz my kids the room is
always perfect their clothes are always
perfect their grades are
perfect and if you have ex if you have
outsourced that sense of I'm a good
husband and a good dad to the
performance of other people when they
fail in their performance then you
suddenly are a
failure do you realize how you've made
your wife and your kids your kids your
report
card and that's not their
job you're
right
you're right is that
fair yeah
and and since I wrote Into the show it's
been a little bit and I've I've been
told for my wife that things have been
getting better and I've been criticizing
her less and not not dismissing her
opinions when it comes to our life
decisions as much yeah I you're still
headed straight for divorce
court because this is not going to be
done by just reducing it to a trickle
you have to change your
life how serious are you about keeping
this
marriage oh 100% how serious are you
about keeping your
kids th% do you understand you're about
to lose them
both I do okay how radical are you
willing to
get as as radical as I need to be all
right
sometime this week probably not tonight
because you need a
minute I want you to take your wife's
hands and by the way don't read the
comments on this because you're going to
get a bunch of moronic idiots who have
never held a marriage together and don't
know what being a good father looks like
okay you got you got you promise me on
that one I promise you all right by the
time this comes out you'll have already
done a 30-day challenge I'm giving you
30 days okay
right actually you know what I take that
back
tonight I want you to put the kids to
bed and tell your wife you have
something important to talk to her
about and I want you to get on both of
your knees in front of your wife and
hold both of her hands and say I am so
sorry I'm begging for your
forgiveness will you forgive me for the
man I have become and the way I've
treated you and our
children I'm
sorry no
explanations no but you know because
just
beg for forgiveness because she's
walking out the
door
okay okay that's number one number two I
want you to look her in the eye and say
this little Act Right Here means nothing
if I don't back it up with
action so I want you both to get up and
sit at a table and I want you to get out
a pen and a paper and S ask her this
question how can I love
you
and tell her I'm not going to respond
I'm not going to speak I'm simply going
to write this down here's what we're
doing we are over hitting the pendulum
the other way there's going to have to
be some balance here but right now you
have to change the way you interact with
the most important people in your
life and so this can't pass your
algorithms this can't pass your rational
thinking that doesn't even make sense
but you go by the gas station every day
why should I fill up your car I'm going
to fill your car up with gas every
Sunday night
and I'm going to pray for you and our
marriage on the way to the gas station
on the way back it's going to be an act
of monastic
service after the kids are in bed after
you're in bed I'm going to get in the
car and I'm going to drive it I'm going
to pray for you and our marriage I'm
going to fill your car up with gas every
Sunday
night and if she says when I get home
from work I just want to talk to you and
I don't want to be told how dumb I am
and I don't want you looking at which
things aren't done in the
house and that leads me number three
every time you walk in the house and
start to criticize something you go do
it I can't believe there's dishes left
in I'm going to go do those
dishes this isn't Forever This is for 30
days because I want you to begin to
switch your body's understanding of what
being a husband is a husband is not um
your wife performing for you so that you
feel feel good about yourself a husband
is about
service and so I want you to begin
looking at challenges in your home quote
unquote problems messes little things
big things not as things to point out
for other people to fix for you but for
ways you can
serve you see the flip
there I do you're still going to notice
the carpet that needs to be vacuumed
you're still going to notice the kids
clothes in the corner but instead of
noticing them as wife failures thus
husband failure you're going to notice
them as oh sweet I get to serve my
family I think that perspective would
definitely help is that
fair that's fair okay for 30
days every time you criticize her you
have to send $25 to the charity of her
choice now that doesn't mean you don't
get an opinion in your own home what
that means is you you have to be a man
of strength and bravery and you have to
say the word I not you didn't you have
to say I need to come up with a solution
about all these dirty clothes everywhere
how can I
help versus you always leave all the you
see what I'm saying see the
difference
definitely hey hun when I get home I
have this picture in my head that we're
going to have like dinner just going to
be ready to rock and roll and I know
you're running around with the kids I
know you've got your own job I know
whatever is going on in your life what
can I do to help
this see how one is an
invitation a curious invitation and the
other is an accusation and a
criticism every time you use the word
you you're going to put $25 in a jar or
you're going to write a check and you're
going to send it to wherever she wants
you to send it fair that's fair okay on
a daily basis this is number four before
she leaves the house I want you to hold
her ask her can I give you a hug hug a
long one and I want you to hold her and
there's not going to be an Roi on this
hug that's immediate there's not going
to be like I've got 15 seconds not that
I'm gonna hold my
wife and then I want you to ask her how
can I love you
today and here's what we're doing dude
we are
practicing okay we're practice here
whenever you see your kid's room messed
up and it starts to set off I'm failing
as a dad and those kids need to relax
man relax my office in my house is an
absolute nightmare it's a disaster right
now it shouldn't be but it
is and I had an incredible Financial
year and I wrote two bestselling books
over the last two years and I've got a
good show my life's okay your kids are
going to be
fine
okay okay if I have to make a an error
one way or the other I'd rather my kids
kids want to come home and be with me
than have had a perfectly made bed their
whole
childhood is making your bed important
absolutely picking up your clothes
important lesson to teach kids no
question about
it am I going to burn my relationship
with my kids to the ground over that no
way and that's and I I realize that when
I'm in those after I'm in those
situations and I just feel after that
like doing their homework with them and
I get frustrated and why don't you
understand this and then after the fact
that they're just sad and so you're
gonna here's number five I'm giving it
to you you have to begin to Circle back
and say I'm sorry your Daddy messed that
up do you forgive
me and they'll say it's okay Daddy and
you'll say no it's not because Dad
shouldn't talk to their kids like that
I'm sorry I know you're trying your best
I remember how hard school was for me
too
you see how easy that is
man yeah like I can feel my shoulders
relaxing just saying that it takes so
much pressure off that you have to be
this perfect thing and then you have
that guilt and shame the only way you
can feel guilt theil the guilt and shame
the only way you can make it go away is
to then try to feel powerful again and
the only way you can feel powerful is by
beating up on your wife and your kids
again and it just creates this this Loop
That Never Ends until your wife walks
out the door
and so you have to open your hands and
let it go and you're going to find a
strange thing the more you honor your
wife the more you say I'm sorry to your
kids when you blow up by the way I'd
have a family meeting where you say
Daddy has become very
mean and I don't like it anymore and
Dad's going to make some big changes
around here but sometimes I'm going to
have to just walk away for a minute cuz
that's Daddy working on and practicing
not being mean and so if I walk away I
want you to know it's cuz I love you I
want you to tell your kids that I want
you to tell your wife
that you got to stop the cycle man is
that fair that's fair absolutely okay so
I've given you the road map dude I'm
also going to send you a copy of my book
building a non-anxious life it's got a
road map in there too and my guess is
you have built for yourself such a
tightly wound
life that is hard to maneuver inside of
that thing and so it's just leaking out
on everybody you
love I will say this I'm proud of you
for saying I've got to I've got to do
something different because you don't
like criticizing all the time you don't
you miss your
wife you don't you like sitting there
working on homework with your kids even
when it's frustrating and hard but you
don't like that look when you say are
you kidding me how do you not know this
and they just Dro their head
you don't want this either no dad
does be with your family not over
them be with your family and when you're
going to find his service and
Leadership comes underneath people and
lifts them up it doesn't Lord over
them I've given you the road mat my
brother hang on the line I'll hook you
up with the book too best of luck to you
man I hope you change
everything I think you
can
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