#1 Lawyer: How To Deal With Narcissism, Gaslighting, Toxic People & High Conflict | Jefferson Fisher
Summary
TLDR这段视频探讨了如何应对困难的对话,尤其是涉及自恋者或复杂性格的人。视频强调谨慎使用'自恋'一词,因为它已被过度使用,导致真正需要帮助的人声音变小。视频还提供了一些应对策略,例如在对话中保持冷静、适时退出,并避免被他人的操纵影响自己对现实的认知。重要的是了解自己,保持坚定,并通过设置对话框架来减少不必要的冲突。最后,视频强调了面对面的交流比通过短信更有效,特别是在解决冲突时。
Takeaways
- 😀 吸引观众的视频往往是那些涉及冲突和与困难性格互动的视频,尤其是关于处理自恋者的内容。
- 😟 自恋这个词被过度使用了,很多人把不喜欢的人都称为自恋者,尽管可能没有被正式诊断。
- 🧠 与自恋者互动时,要保持冷静,知道何时离开,并明白离开不代表失败,而是保护自己的平静。
- 😶 不要让对方的话语改变你的自我认知。保持自我认知是避免被操控和被影响的关键。
- 🔄 重复自己的观点,不要在对方的操控下反应过激,以免陷入他们的“游戏”。
- 🤔 在冲突中,可以说“我看到的情况不同”或“我有不同的看法”来避免无意义的争论。
- 🕑 沟通时,可以问自己“这件事我们一定要达成一致吗?”或“我们现在必须解决这个问题吗?”。
- 💡 在开始讨论之前,先设定框架,告知对方讨论的目的和预期结果,以减少焦虑。
- 😌 在进入不舒服的对话之前,使用微笑和积极的肢体语言来帮助自己保持冷静和自信。
- 📱 虽然短信沟通有时可行,但面对面或电话交流往往更有效,特别是在处理情感冲突时。
Q & A
问题1:为什么涉及冲突的话题会更吸引观众的关注?
-观众对冲突话题更感兴趣,因为这些话题通常涉及人际关系中的困难情境,比如与自恋型人格或难相处的人互动,这些情境让观众产生共鸣,因此点击和互动率更高。
问题2:为什么创作者不频繁讨论自恋型人格话题?
-创作者担心频繁讨论自恋型人格会让观众对该话题感到麻木,并且过度使用该词可能会淡化真正需要帮助的人的声音。因此,他选择谨慎地使用这个话题,避免误导观众。
问题3:在面对自恋型人格时,如何有效应对?
-面对自恋型人格时,重要的是迅速离开或避免过度参与,因为他们的话可能具有破坏性。保持自我意识,避免被对方的言辞操纵。
问题4:在与难相处的人对话时,如何保持自己的情绪稳定?
-可以通过深呼吸和暂停的方式来保持冷静。尤其是在面对自恋型人格时,重要的是不要被他们挑衅,学会适时退出对话,保持内心的平静。
问题5:如何防止被“煤气灯效应”(Gaslighting)影响?
-防止煤气灯效应的关键在于对自我有清晰的认知,并对自己的价值有坚定的信心。重复简单的短语如“我有不同的看法”可以帮助你在对话中保持立场,不被对方的言辞左右。
问题6:在对话开始时设定“框架”有何好处?
-在对话开始时设定框架,比如表明无论讨论结果如何,你依然关心对方,可以减轻对话中的不确定性和焦虑,有助于保持对话的积极方向。
问题7:如何避免在争论时陷入不必要的争执?
-一个有效的方法是问对方“这是否是我们必须达成一致的事情?”通常答案是否定的,这可以帮助双方判断是否有必要争论并调整讨论的优先级。
问题8:在准备进行可能激烈的对话前,有什么建议吗?
-可以通过设定时间限制或轮流发言来确保双方都有机会表达。一个建议是每人轮流说五分钟,不打断对方,之后结束话题,不再反复提起。
问题9:如何通过肢体语言为困难的对话做准备?
-在困难对话中保持微笑可以帮助自己保持积极和自信。还可以通过遵循自我设定的对话价值观,如“有空间就选择善意”,来引导自己的言行。
问题10:在文字信息中解决冲突是否有效?
-如果双方足够成熟并互相信任,通过文字信息可以解决冲突。但通常情况下,打电话或面对面沟通会更有效,因为语气和声音能够传递更多情感。
Outlines
😡 如何应对复杂性格与冲突
本段讨论了最受观众和算法欢迎的视频内容,往往与冲突有关,尤其是处理有难度的性格如自恋型人格。作者分享了自己的谨慎态度,认为不能过度使用“自恋”这个词,因为它会被滥用。虽然这种话题吸引流量,但也可能让真正遭遇自恋者的人感到声音被掩盖。关键在于在与复杂性格的人互动时,需要保持自我,迅速识别何时退出对话,保护自己的心理健康。
😼 如何在操控性对话中保持自我
在面对带有操控性的对话时,保持静止而不被带动是关键。作者建议使用重复的短语,如“我有不同的看法”,来表明立场并避免被对方牵制。通过这种方法,可以让对方意识到他们的操控性企图无效,同时保持自己的内心稳定。作者还提到不必争取在每个问题上达成共识,学会接受分歧,并在合适的时间处理重要的对话。
⏳ 如何设定对话的框架与时间限制
本段介绍了通过在对话前设定框架来减少不确定性的重要性,尤其是在关系中进行困难的对话时。作者建议在对话开始前表达对彼此的尊重和关心,以减轻对方的焦虑感,并明确讨论的内容和范围。此外,作者提到可以为对话设定时间限制,让双方都有机会表达观点,避免对话时间过长而使对方感到沮丧或被忽视。
💡 如何识别不真诚的交流
本段探讨了识别对方是否真诚的一些线索。通常,眼神、语调和笑声等微小的细节可以透露出对方是否在掩饰真相。作者提到,如果对方的某些行为感觉不自然或者被强迫,可以要求他们重复刚刚说过的话,这样可以看出他们是否感到不适或者在掩饰某些东西。
Mindmap
Keywords
💡冲突驱动
💡自恋
💡分辨力
💡操纵
💡保持冷静
💡离开并不代表失败
💡点头称是法
💡时间与空间
💡设定对话框架
💡善意的价值观
Highlights
Videos about dealing with difficult personalities, arguments, and narcissism tend to resonate more with the audience.
The creator avoids overusing the topic of narcissism, doing a video on it only every five or six weeks.
Narcissism has become an overexposed term, and many label someone as a narcissist quickly without discernment.
Walking away from a difficult conversation or a narcissist doesn't mean defeat; it can mean maintaining peace.
Narcissists often provoke or seek praise; understanding this can help manage interactions better.
Gaslighting can make one question their own reality, and it's important to stay grounded in self-love.
One way to counter manipulation is to calmly repeat key phrases like, 'I see things differently.'
Phrases like 'We can agree to disagree' can be effective but depend on how much the issue matters to the person.
It's helpful to ask if something needs immediate resolution or if it can wait, removing pressure from the situation.
Frame difficult conversations by stating that you still care about the person regardless of the outcome.
Setting boundaries and agreeing on time limits for each person to speak can make conversations more productive.
Smiling before a difficult conversation can help maintain positivity and confidence.
Conversational values, such as choosing kindness whenever possible, can guide behavior during difficult talks.
Body language and subtle cues, like tone or forced laughter, can indicate if someone is being inauthentic.
While text messages can sometimes resolve conflicts, phone calls are often better to convey tone and reduce misunderstandings.
Transcripts
which videos of yours seem to relate
most to your audience to the algorithm
to the people that follow you the ones
that are conflict driven so if you're
dealing with a bad argument you're
dealing with somebody who's narcissistic
you're dealing with somebody who has a
difficult
personality uh the the hard stuff the
ugly stuff the difficult Stuff how to
maneuver those types of things tend to
go tend to hit
more but I'm I'm hesitant to to talk too
much about narcissism I I'll do a video
about that like
every five weeks ago you know five six
weeks or so I just feel like it's too
much of a dynamite for some people you
know it's just some people that they
make it their whole page all about that
like we didn't even have this word I
feel like two years ago it's wasn't even
it wasn't even a real word so I gotta
gotta be careful too many people are
real quick to just paint somebody as a
narcissist just because they said
something they don't like so I'm very
very cautious uh about using that word
yeah it becomes desensitized now for the
people that actually are dealing with
somebody who's like a diagnosed
narcissist now their voice isn't heard
as loud because you know it's be it's
been the word's been so Overexposed I
don't think I've seen any DM from
somebody who just said you know hey I am
going through something with a regular
ex a nice ex of mine no it's always a
narcissistic ex every time it's whoever
is not in my life anymore or who is
anymore it's it's always a narcissist so
I I'm not going to say that they haven't
been diagnosed I'm just saying there is
a a sense of discernment you need to
come into that conversation with and for
somebody who has a lot of followers and
gives advice that's just all the more
responsibility to be very careful with
your words and so for for more difficult
scenarios like the one that you're
talking about harder conversations
people who are quote unquote
difficult is is it the same PlayBook
take the breath practice the
pause it's the same thing yeah it's it's
a lot of the same thing except you just
you know when to walk away very quickly
uh because their words can be much more
harmful um understanding that when
you're dealing with somebody who's a
narcissistic type it is a game in a
sense
they either want to provoke you or they
want the praise from you and there's a a
a line that that comes with that so it's
more of informing them when they're in
those situations and giving them a sense
of just because you walk away does not
mean you're a bad person just because
you need to step away from a
conversation does that does not mean
that you've
lost often that's it's You've Won you've
won that your peace of mind and what are
you walking away from or what are you
walking away with that's that's that's
the difference obviously in your line of
work it can be easy to feel manipulated
feel like your reality can be warped and
that maybe your truth isn't your truth
you question whether or not what you're
thinking is actually what's going on
because of just the Dynamics of a court
case or maybe what's another lawyer
might be saying to you or whatever and I
think this also happens a lot in these
more difficult conversations where
because of the words of somebody else
and what what they're saying to them
the person could have started out great
felt confident felt you know like they
had a level of self resect but now
they're like oh no like maybe is this
person right like am I really doing
those things how do how do you maintain
that balance to where you are able to
understand whether or
not somebody's words to you are actually
true and that you know you're not
questioning your own reality in that
situation
well that touches on the elements of
gaslighting right have somebody actually
coming in and trying to take advantage
of you by by distorting your sense of
reality and and
Truth what comes to mind is twofold
really you maintain that balance by
understanding who you are and loving who
you are often we want to look to other
people for that validation of of love
because we have a hard time loving
ourselves
and the more you are good with who you
are the more you're okay
with I'm okay if you misunderstand me
I'm okay you know if if that's what you
need to do you go do it I'll let you but
that doesn't mean that I'm going to take
down anything else that I have so
there's that that sense of loving who
you are the second end of that is to be
firm often when I talk about it in terms
of people who want to break up your
self-esteem who try to Gaslight you in
certain ways it's somewhat like the
laser pointer with a cat right they they
want to jump you from place to place to
place even though you get there and
there's no laser it's it's all just
distraction it's it's manipul it's man
manipulation in that sense you need to
stand still and be still one of the best
ways to do that is to use phrases that I
I teach
are I remember things
differently I see that
differently I I take another approach
you it's often just using and repeating
the same
phrases repeating means that you're
standing
still because they might bring something
up to you and you have that kneer
reaction and go that's not what happened
that's not what I said that's not true
well you're just jumping around to where
they want you and it's it's not where
that is versus if I just just repeat
what I said I see things differently
they want to distract you you just
repeat I see things differently you're
standing still it's like the person
who's not responding to that text you're
saying I got I got control over me and
that's the only person who does do you
think there's benefit to saying one of
one of the things I've used in the past
is like it's okay like you have your
truth I have my truth you have your
perception of reality I have my
perception of reality neither or right
or wrong but we're have to agree to
disagree on this like do you think that
saying something like that can be
effective or am I not being assertive
enough it depends on the situation you
know it depends how how much this person
matters to you often I like to use an
opening of is this something we have to
agree
on I use that a lot uh I say a lot I
mean I use that as a opening frequently
is is this something we have to agree on
almost always the answer is no because
then it it it Keys you the priority is
this is this something that matters is
this something we really want to fight
over the second answer is if it is
something you need to agree on the
question is is that something we need to
agree on now at this exact moment at
this at this exact second or if we wait
until tomorrow or next week it is the
world going to shut down and so it is a
um timing is a big aspect because often
people will try to push you into
conversations and the problem you fall
into is when you agree to get into the
ring when you're not ready you're tired
you're hungry you know you're not you're
not you haven't worked out that day you
have you have built up built up tension
you don't go into the match if you're
not prepared for it so often you're just
not ready so you need to you need to
make sure that when you are it's the
conversation happens on your schedule
not theirs and is there anything that
somebody can do beforehand before
entering into a a planned
discussion that may get heated like for
instance if people who are dating get
into some sort of argument they're like
let's take some space come back in an
hour two hours
whatever is there any kind any kind
of best practices for being able to make
sure you're coming together in a healthy
way what I uh try to tell people is use
a frame around the conversation you you
frame it which is somewhat similar to to
others who talk about this but is
calling your shot is what I say it like
a like an old baseball player you're
pointing into to the left field going
that's where we're going so right at the
beginning of the conversation
say I want you to know that before we
talk about this at the end of this
conversation that's key at the end of
this
conversation I still love you I still
care about you I still want to be
friends I still want to do this
and then you go into so here's what we
want to talk about so you make it very
short and concise of what you are to
talk about but what you're doing is
eliminating the
unknowns often somebody in a
conversation you have start to feel fear
of like if I say what I really want to
say am I gonna lose this person uh you
you remove that barrier when you say hey
we're I want to have a discussion with
you about X Y and Z but just know at the
end of it I'm still going to respect Who
You Are we're still going to choose to
love each other and it's like you're
getting their permission and their
acknowledgement and now they know the
parameters now they know the discussion
it's much harder when you go hey we need
to talk talk about what
anything you know how does it end who
knows yeah know that's that just that
all it does is bring anxiety of I have
no idea where we're going and so that's
what you're leaving an open pasture for
you just to roam that's the conversation
lasts forever because there's no fence
you just you're just going wherever it
goes and then you realize wow where did
this even start how did we even get to
this point so if you uh come in from a a
a frame you're GNA be much stronger
because you're giving people less
choices like if you're gonna like as a
kid you know pick out a pair of shoes if
you have like 30 shoes on the wall
you're going to take a whole lot more
time but if I give you two here's the
two subjects we want to talk about
whether that's much easier to digest and
then it makes conversations feel a lot
more productive once you've chosen one
you know you I know you probably don't
want to be overly um
structured with some of these
conversations especially if it's like in
a romantic setting but do you think that
there's benefit to having some sort of
time limit within that frame so that the
other person makes sure that they're
feeling heard too and they don't feel
like the other person who maybe is
setting the tone for the conversation is
taking up a bunch of time to talk and
then now you know an hour has gone by
somebody's got to go to work somebody's
got to take care of the kids whatever
the example is do you think there's
effect there's a is an effective way to
make sure that both
people can hear each other out yeah I I
mean one tactic is to say okay I'm gonna
let I'm giving you five minutes here's
my phone we're gonna agree you get five
minutes to say whatever you want to say
and I'm not going to say a word whatever
is on your mind about this
you get to say it all and then I get
five minutes and I get to say all that I
want and then at the end of it that's
the end of it we're not going to bring
it up again you know I mean you you get
to lay those parameters as as a couple
as a relationship of if that works for
you or not but what it does make sure is
of is you get to say what you want and
I'm not going to be defensive about it
we're both just gonna bent pour it out
get it out because often that's all you
needed to do anyway is just to get it
out how do you show up in convers ation
like what are some things what's your
body language like when you're getting
ready to sit down for an uncomfortable
discussion with somebody smile that's my
because it makes me happier it's not
really so much for them it's for me I
need I I I want to feel like I am at all
times positive confident and settled so
you have to think in your mind the
values you want to portray so there are
things called conversational values that
I'm a big proponent of that is every
time you get into a conversation what is
the value that you're wanting to stand
by like a company has their own values
they have their own brand that people
know them by because that is the
corporate message that they have sent
out for their company same way applies
to you as in your human body that I
apply my values what I want to be so one
of my values is where there is room for
kindness I will use it any time if
there's space anywhere in that
conversation for kindness I will choose
it period I don't care if they've been
ugly to me is there space for kindness
that's what I'm going to do then it's
not a question I don't have to think
about what I say I know that my value
drives my action so another one that I
have is if I can't be a bridge be a
lighthouse that's fine if they need to
if they need to go away from me if we
don't need to talk anymore that's fine
but you know what I'm still gonna be
I'm still going to be light I'm still
going to be positive I'm still going to
be somebody who you know is here in case
you need me so these values of
conversational values help you show up
more as you because these values align
with who you are as as a person so you
have to
think whatever I'm wanting to portray it
does not work unless it becomes you like
that's who I want to be in this
conversation I know we talked earlier
about like somebody who's portraying
this false sense of confidence they
you know overly charismatic they're just
talking loud you know for no for no
reason all these
things is there a way that the average
person could pick up of somebody's being
fake to them when somebody's just not
telling them the truth other than let's
just say that they're not overly
charismatic is there like I mean there
was that there used to be that thing
where if they look to the right or the
or something they weren't telling the
truth I don't know if that's that's
that's a a thing or not like what are
your thoughts on that yeah there's
thought there's ones of like if you look
a certain direction that means like
you're thinking or trying to find
information if you look another way
trying to hide it I don't I don't know
how valid that is but I know that
typically you can tell if somebody is
not being them their authentic authentic
self is if you can just sense it in the
little bitty
details so maybe it's the way their eye
looks right after they say something
maybe it's uh the way their inflection
is uh you know if you ask somebody a
question they go um yeah you know like
that that makes it sound like you're not
you're not nearly ass sure or maybe they
laugh a certain way that they typically
don't laugh like or something feels
forced it's often the the cue now this
that smile felt forced that laugh that
word that intonation in your voice felt
forced and if anytime it's forced it
means it's not natural and that that
just
feels that feels out of place um with
people one way often you can call out
that kind of behavior not really call it
out but inspect it a little closer is to
ask somebody to repeat what they said
that usually will because they have to
like oh I I gotta re okay now I got to
get in the mindset again now I got to
rehearse I just gave it to you okay now
I i' got to do it again and then you're
you're making them uh realize that
there's a a start contrast
in their behavior so that that happens
pretty frequently especially in in my
world in litigation do you think
conflict can be settled at all through
text messages or online messaging or do
you think with when it comes to
friendships professional relationships
romantic relationships it's always going
to be best to hop on the phone video
chat inperson meeting yeah I mean they
can be if you and the person are mature
and intelligent and give each other the
benefit of the doubt and not make you
know Mountain out of a mole hill but if
you're not or if you don't know each
other that
well always much wiser to just pick up
the phone let them hear your
voice U that makes a a a big
difference I I do it count I me I do it
all the time text text with my wife and
oof I got a response that felt very cold
um it anytime you get the K text just k
like oh well okay she they're ready to
destroy me you know my life is over I
just got a k or an m k an MK like
there's all different ways that we go oh
that doesn't sound that doesn't sound
good it depends on the person like my
dad my dad will just text okay to
anything really you you send him I just
know that's him and I'll call him and
he'll be like oh that's fantastic but
you know the text you got so it it just
depends on the person but yeah you're
never going to go wrong getting to hear
their voice and besides a lot of times
hearing your voice can make somebody's
day we we were we are meant to hear and
connect and speak as humans do it's not
good for humans not to talk to other
humans I was always there's that show I
forgot what it's called it's like they
go up they send them to Alaska for like
say spend a 100 days alone in Alaska
yeah I know what you're talking about
yeah and for and at first they love it
they're so excited they build their
shelter they're like oh yes I just you
know got I just harvested this uh rabbit
and I'm doing all this but by like 20
days they're like I haven't spoken to
anybody I miss my friends I miss hearing
people's
voices it's it's the loneliness that
gets them it's not their capability I I
was just found found that really
interesting
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