Meet Yourself: A User's Guide to Building Self-Esteem: Niko Everett at TEDxYouth@BommerCanyon

Summary

The speaker shares a personal journey of self-discovery and overcoming self-doubt, from struggling with body image and self-esteem issues to realizing the importance of embracing one's uniqueness. Through her work with young women, she develops exercises to improve self-esteem by focusing on positive thoughts and rejecting negative ones. The speaker emphasizes the power of surrounding oneself with supportive people, accepting compliments, and fostering a culture where people can feel good about themselves. She encourages listeners to write down things they admire about themselves and to help others do the same.

Takeaways

• 💄 Embrace your natural beauty: The speaker reflects on her younger self, covering up freckles with makeup due to insecurity, showing how societal standards can affect self-perception.
• 🤐 Struggles with shame: She hid the truth about her mother because of embarrassment, emphasizing the pressure to appear perfect even when dealing with difficult realities.
• 😔 Body image struggles: She describes an episode of forcing herself to vomit to achieve thinness, showcasing the harsh reality of societal pressure on physical appearance.
• 👭 A pivotal moment: The speaker’s friend, Julie, encourages her to 'meet herself,' which helps shift her perspective on self-worth and self-image.
• 💡 Self-esteem can be built: Through her work with young women, the speaker realizes that self-esteem can be created by controlling and changing personal thoughts.
• 🎤 Amplify the positives: She develops an exercise of turning up the volume on positive thoughts and deleting negative ones, which helps her and the girls change their self-perception.
• 💬 The power of compliments: Standing in the middle and accepting compliments with a simple 'thank you' becomes a transformative experience for the group, teaching the importance of acknowledging and embracing positive feedback.
• 📝 Rewriting the story: The speaker highlights the journey of rewriting her own narrative from shame and self-doubt to pride and confidence, showing that change is possible.
• 👥 Surround yourself with positivity: Spending time with people who uplift and support you, like Julie, can have a profound impact on self-worth.
• ✍️ Create a new culture: The speaker encourages everyone to start a new culture of self-acceptance by writing down things they admire about themselves and helping others see their own worth.

Q & A

What motivated the speaker to cover her freckles when she was 11 years old?

The speaker covered her freckles because she hated them and thought they were ugly.

Why did the speaker lie about her mother when she was 15 years old?

The speaker lied about her mother because she was ashamed that her mother was a waitress living in a tiny apartment and a recovering drug addict.

What behavior did the speaker exhibit at 17 years old, and why?

At 17 years old, the speaker forced herself to throw up everything she had eaten because she was desperate to be thin and trying hard to be perfect.

What realization did the speaker have when her friend Julie told her she needed to meet herself?

The speaker realized that she had a different and more positive image of herself, created by Julie, which made her want to rediscover and embrace that version of herself.

What was the speaker's job when she started working with young women, and what was ironic about it?

The speaker's job was to create a program to help young women increase their self-esteem, which was ironic because she had no self-esteem herself.

What exercise did the speaker create for the young women to improve their self-esteem?

The speaker created an exercise where they would turn up the volume on positive thoughts about themselves and press 'delete' on negative thoughts, helping them build more positive self-esteem.

How did the girls initially respond to the exercise of saying one thing they were proud of about themselves?

The girls struggled and couldn't say one single thing about themselves that they were proud of.

What rule did the speaker and the girls make regarding receiving compliments?

The rule was that when someone gave them a compliment, they would simply say 'Thank you,' to encourage accepting and internalizing positive feedback.

What positive changes did the speaker notice in the girls by the end of the year?

By the end of the year, the girls were walking taller, being kinder to themselves and each other, and showing increased self-esteem and confidence.

What are some steps the speaker suggests to feel good about ourselves?

The speaker suggests spending time with people who make us feel good, turning up the volume on positive thoughts, telling others what we like about them, and saying 'Thank you' when receiving compliments.

Outlines

00:00

💄 Overcoming Early Struggles with Self-Image and Shame

The speaker reflects on her journey, beginning at age 11 when she tried to hide her freckles with makeup, feeling insecure about her appearance. As she grew older, she dealt with the shame of her mother being a recovering addict, and at 17, struggled with an eating disorder, driven by the desire for perfection. By age 21, a turning point came when a friend, Julie, encouraged her to 'meet herself,' highlighting her positive qualities like resilience and hard work. This sparked a realization and a desire to rewrite her narrative and improve her self-esteem.

05:02

👭 Building Self-Esteem through Community

The speaker describes her work with young women, where she helped them build self-esteem despite struggling with her own. She shares how they experimented with focusing on positive thoughts, turning up the 'volume' on those thoughts and 'deleting' negative ones. Although initially difficult, the exercise led to gradual changes. A new method emerged where the girls would compliment each other in a group setting, learning to accept kind words by simply saying 'Thank you.' Through this process, both the speaker and the girls began to develop a more positive view of themselves.

Keywords

💡Self-esteem

Self-esteem refers to one's sense of personal worth or value. In the video, the speaker reflects on their struggles with self-esteem throughout their life and how they eventually learned to build it. The concept is central to the message, as the speaker worked with young women to help them build positive thoughts about themselves, emphasizing that self-esteem can be cultivated by changing how we think about ourselves.

💡Negative self-image

Negative self-image is the perception of oneself in a critical or unfavorable light. Throughout the video, the speaker discusses their own negative self-image, manifested in feelings of being 'embarrassing, unlovable, awkward.' This concept is crucial, as the speaker and the young women they worked with initially found it hard to acknowledge anything positive about themselves, highlighting the societal pressures and personal challenges in developing a healthy self-perception.

💡Positive thinking

Positive thinking involves focusing on favorable or optimistic thoughts about oneself and one’s life. In the video, the speaker introduces an exercise where the girls are encouraged to 'turn up the volume' on positive thoughts and 'delete' negative ones. This shift in thinking is presented as a tool for building self-esteem, illustrating the power of reframing one's thoughts to foster a healthier self-image.

💡Body image

Body image refers to how a person perceives and feels about their physical appearance. The speaker talks about their own struggles with body image, starting as early as age 11 when they tried to cover up their freckles. These challenges with body image continue into adolescence, where the speaker recounts attempting to throw up to be thinner. This issue is tied to broader societal pressures on appearance and perfection.

💡Resilience

Resilience is the ability to recover from difficulties and challenges. Julie, the speaker's friend, describes the speaker as resilient, which becomes a key moment in helping the speaker reframe their self-perception. This quality is also what the speaker encourages others to recognize in themselves, as building resilience is part of cultivating self-esteem and overcoming personal struggles.

💡Compliments

Compliments are expressions of praise or admiration. In the video, accepting compliments is framed as a way to foster positive self-esteem. The speaker and the girls they work with create a rule to simply say 'thank you' when receiving a compliment, instead of rejecting or downplaying it. This action helps them internalize positive feedback and break the habit of focusing on negative self-perceptions.

💡Cultural impact

Cultural impact refers to how societal values, norms, and pressures influence individuals’ self-perception and behavior. The speaker touches on how negative self-image manifests culturally, citing statistics about teen suicide and risky behaviors like joining gangs or having sex for validation. This highlights the widespread nature of the issue and emphasizes the need for cultural change toward self-acceptance and self-worth.

💡Rewriting one’s story

Rewriting one’s story is the process of changing how one views their past and present to create a more positive self-narrative. The speaker uses this metaphor to describe their own transformation and encourages others to do the same. By changing how they perceive their experiences and traits, the speaker believes individuals can build a more empowering and fulfilling life story.

💡Support systems

Support systems refer to the people who positively influence an individual’s emotional and psychological well-being. In the video, the speaker mentions their friend Julie, who helped them see themselves in a more positive light. The importance of finding such supportive people is emphasized as one of the steps to building self-esteem, underscoring the role of community in personal growth.

💡Vulnerability

Vulnerability is the willingness to be open and honest about one's feelings, struggles, and imperfections. The speaker displays vulnerability by sharing their personal story of self-doubt and shame. This vulnerability not only connects with the audience but also demonstrates the power of being open as a path to healing and self-acceptance.

Highlights

A girl at age 11 tries to hide her freckles because she thought they were ugly, reflecting early struggles with self-image.

At 15, the speaker lies about her mother due to shame surrounding her mother's life as a recovering drug addict and waitress.

At 17, the speaker struggles with an eating disorder, driven by a desperate need to be thin and perfect.

At 21, the speaker's friend Julie tells her, 'You need to meet yourself,' which sparks a turning point in her journey toward self-acceptance.

The speaker begins working with young women to help them build self-esteem, despite her own struggles with self-worth.

Self-esteem is based on our own thoughts of ourselves, and the speaker explores ways to control these thoughts.

The first session with the young women reveals they struggle to identify anything they are proud of, mirroring the speaker's own difficulties.

The speaker creates an exercise where participants imagine 'turning up the volume' on positive thoughts and 'deleting' negative ones.

Each girl eventually shares something they admire about themselves, though it’s hard to stand in the middle and accept compliments.

The group creates a rule that when given a compliment, they must simply say 'Thank you,' making it easier to internalize positive feedback.

At the end of each session, the girls write down something they admire about themselves, helping them build a positive self-image over time.

Teen suicide is the third leading cause of death among young people, reflecting the larger societal issue of poor self-esteem.

Many teens engage in risky behaviors, such as joining gangs or having sex, in a bid to feel important or more liked.

The speaker emphasizes that surrounding yourself with people who make you feel good and focusing on positive thoughts can help build self-esteem.

The speaker closes by urging everyone to write down ten things they admire about themselves, helping them rewrite their own story.

Transcripts

Translator: Aya Aj Reviewer: Queenie Lee

I was 11 years old,

and I was rubbing makeup all over my legs to cover up my freckles

because I hated them, and I thought they were so ugly.

I was 15,

and I lived with my dad and my stepmom,

and I lied about my mom.

I lied about her

because she was a waitress, and she lived in a tiny apartment,

and because she was a recovering drug addict.

I lied about her because I was too ashamed to tell the truth.

I was 17, and I was down on my knees on a bathroom floor,

and I was forcing myself to throw up everything that I'd eaten that morning.

I was desperate to be thin;

I was trying so hard to be perfect.

I was 21, and I didn't even realize what I was doing,

but I was droning on and on to my friend Julie,

telling her about all the people we knew

and how great they were, and how amazing their lives were,

and how much I wanted to be like them, how jealous I was!

And my dear friend Julie,

she stopped me, and she said,

"Niko, you need to meet yourself."

And when she said that to me, it was like something changed.

It was like she held a mirror up for me,

and what she was showing me was so different

from what I'd ever seen before.

She said, "Niko, you should be jealous of yourself.

You're gutsy; you're hard-working; you're resilient.

If you could meet yourself,

you might really like her.

But as quickly as she painted that image of me, it was gone!

And I was totally confused because I,

I see myself as embarrassing, unlovable, awkward.

But I loved that image that she created,

and I wanted it back.

So I set out on this journey to find it and to try to make it stick.

So eventually, I landed myself a job,

working with young women.

My job was to create a program for them to help them increase their self-esteem,

which, of course, was kind of laughable because I had no self-esteem myself.

But I started to wonder,

I started to wonder, could we create our own self-esteem?

Could we build it ourselves?

And I did a little research,

and it turns out that self-esteem,

it's just based on our own thoughts of ourselves.

And I knew that we could control our own thoughts,

so I thought, "Yeah."

Maybe we could actually start to build our own self-esteem,

and I was willing to try.

So the first session I had with these girls,

I had no idea what to do.

I mean, I've never done this before, so I was totally making it up.

So I decided I was going to have them each say one thing

that they were proud of about themselves.

We were going to test out this idea

of starting to build more positive thoughts about ourselves.

It didn't go so well.

These girls, they couldn't say one single thing about themselves

that they were proud of.

And I understood because I totally related,

I mean, I felt the same way.

So ...

I decided to create an exercise for them,

for all of us to do.

So the idea was that every time we had a positive thought about ourselves,

we would imagine turning up the volume,

like literally turning up the volume on that thinking,

and every time we had a negative thought about ourselves,

we were going to press "delete,"

just press "delete" in our brain,

let it magically disappear.

And it worked! It worked!

This idea of kind of stepping outside of ourselves

so that we could see ourselves better.

Little by little,

we each came up with little things about ourselves that we liked.

But for me,

for every little thing that I came up with that I liked,

it was like there were ten things that I didn't like -

ten things that I felt critical about.

So I checked it out with the girls. They said, yeah, they felt the same way.

So,

we decided that at the end of each class that we had together,

we would have one of us stand in the middle,

and the rest of us would stand around the others,

and we would each tell the girl that was standing in the middle

one thing that we admired about her,

one thing that we really liked.

And it was so hard to stand in the middle.

It was like we didn't want to let it in.

We wanted to just keep those compliments out.

And so we made up a rule.

The rule was that when someone gave us a compliment,

we would simply say, "Thank you."

At the end of every session that we spent together,

we all wrote down one thing about ourselves that we admired.

We forced ourselves to sort of build this list,

to get our thinking going about the things that were important about ourselves.

And I want to read to you just a couple of things.

These were the things we wrote on the very first day,

I kept the list.

On the first day I wrote:

"I'm proud of my work with these girls,"

and the girls wrote:

"I'm proud that I stood up for the girl who was bullying my best friend."

"I think I'm smart."

"I like that I'm different."

"I'm a really fast sprinter."

And "I'm a good artist."

At the end of that year,

these girls started to change.

It was like they were walking a little taller.

They were kinder to themselves,

they were kinder to each other,

and I, I started to change too.

It was like they showed me that I could rewrite my story.

And I realized,

I realized that we weren't the only ones struggling with that story;

boys were struggling too;

teenagers, even adults were having a tough time

coming up with one or two things to say about themselves

that they felt good about.

And this negative self-image that we were holding on to,

it was showing up in our culture in alarming ways.

It turns out that teens' suicide,

it's the third leading cause of death amongst young people.

One out of four girls says they have sex for the first time

to be more liked, to be more popular.

And boys and girls alike, they're joining gangs,

and the number one reason is not to feel safer,

it's to feel more important.

But here is the good news;

the good news is that we can counteract this.

The work that I did with those girls

and the work I've done for the last 15 years,

we've come up with ways for us to feel good about ourselves right now, today,

and I want to share some of those things with you, OK?

So,

the first thing that we can do to feel good about ourselves

is we can spend time with people who make us feel good.

This is me and Julie when I very first met her.

Find your "Julie" and spend time with her or him.

The second thing is that we can turn up the volume on our positive thinking.

We can build up those thoughts about ourselves that are good,

and we can delete the negative thoughts, just press "delete."

The third thing.

Start to tell the people around you -

maybe the people around you today -

start to tell them what you see about them that you like.

Help them jumpstart their own positive thinking.

And the last thing is,

when you receive a compliment,

when we receive compliments, let's stand our ground,

let's look them in the eye, and let's just say, "Thank you."

Let's create a new culture:

a culture where we all get to grow up feeling good about ourselves.

A culture where we can rewrite our histories,

we can create new stories about ourselves.

I will start.

I'm 11, and I like these legs

because someday they're going to help me run marathons.

I'm 15, and I'm proud of my mom for getting herself sober

and for making a better life for us.

I'm 17, and I know that nobody is perfect.

I'm 21, and I think I'm just as successful as my friends.

I'm 37, and now, this is my story.

I invite you today.

I invite you to do two things with me.

First, be "Julie" for someone;

invite him/her to meet themselves.

Because it might change their lives.

And second,

I want you to get out a piece of paper,

and I want you to write down ten things about yourself that you admire.

The ten things about yourself

that if you were someone else, you might even be jealous of.

And I want that to be the beginning of your story today.

I'll help get you started, OK?

So, I just met you a couple hours ago,

literally, just a couple hours ago.

And I can already say

that you are gutsy;

you are hardworking;

you are unique;

you are resilient;

you are talented,

you are gentle;

you are calm;

you are all amazing!

Thank you.

(Applause) (Cheering)