Harm OCD - My OCD Story
Summary
TLDRThe speaker, who has OCD, shares her personal journey with anxiety, focusing on the specific challenges of harm OCD. She discusses her onset at 22, the intrusive thoughts, and the impact on her relationships. Initially misdiagnosed and mistreated with Celexa, she faced a severe exacerbation of symptoms. She emphasizes the importance of understanding and managing OCD, not just as a cleanliness issue, but as a complex mental health struggle. The speaker hopes her story can help others facing similar battles and plans to share more about living with and coping with OCD.
Takeaways
- π The video discusses the personal struggle with OCD, specifically focusing on harm OCD.
- π― The onset of the creator's OCD began at the age of 22, with a history of general anxiety throughout life.
- π₯ The creator's OCD symptoms escalated after being prescribed Celexa, an antidepressant, for travel anxiety.
- π€ The term 'pure O' is mentioned, indicating OCD with less visible compulsions, such as rumination.
- πͺ Harm OCD involves obsessions about causing harm to oneself or others, which can be distressing and lead to compulsive behaviors like checking.
- πΎ The creator's personal harm OCD manifests as an irrational fear of intentionally hurting loved ones or pets.
- π The creator had a negative experience with a doctor who misdiagnosed and stigmatized their symptoms.
- 𧩠OCD can disrupt relationships and daily life, as the creator's relationship with their mother was affected.
- π± The video aims to connect with others who may be experiencing similar struggles, providing a sense of community.
- πΉ Future content plans include vlogs about living with OCD, including its impact on travel and everyday activities.
Q & A
What is the main topic of the video?
-The main topic of the video is anxiety, specifically focusing on Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and the personal struggles of the speaker with harm OCD.
Why did the speaker decide to create this video?
-The speaker decided to create this video to share their personal experiences with OCD, as they felt there were not many relatable stories available when they were going through the worst of their symptoms, and to potentially help others who might be experiencing similar struggles.
At what age did the speaker's OCD onset occur?
-The speaker's OCD onset occurred when they were 22 years old.
What is the difference between 'pure O' OCD and other types of OCD according to the speaker?
-According to the speaker, 'pure O' OCD refers to a type of OCD where compulsions are not visible actions but rather internal thoughts and ruminations. Other types of OCD may involve visible compulsions, such as repeatedly touching things or checking if something is done correctly.
What does the speaker mean by 'harm OCD'?
-The speaker refers to 'harm OCD' as a type of OCD where the obsessions revolve around causing harm, either to oneself or others. This can include fears of hurting someone intentionally or through negligence.
How did the speaker's OCD affect their relationships?
-The speaker's OCD affected their relationships by causing them to distance themselves from loved ones, including family and pets, due to the fear of causing harm to them.
What was the speaker's experience with medication that led to the onset of their OCD?
-The speaker was prescribed Celexa, an antidepressant, for travel anxiety. Shortly after starting the medication, they began experiencing intrusive thoughts and visions that marked the onset of their OCD.
What was the speaker's initial reaction to their doctor's suggestion that their symptoms might be indicative of bipolar disorder or schizophrenia?
-The speaker was upset and disagreed with the doctor's suggestion, as they had never experienced anything like this before and believed it was a reaction to the medication they were given.
How did the speaker's experience in the emergency room affect their perception of the medical system's understanding of mental health?
-The speaker felt that the medical professionals in the emergency room were ill-prepared to help them and lacked understanding of mental health issues, which left them feeling unsupported and further distressed.
What is the speaker's current approach to managing their OCD?
-The speaker is still struggling with OCD and mentions that managing it is a daily challenge. They are considering making more videos to share their experiences and potentially offer insights on how to cope with the condition.
What future content does the speaker plan to create regarding their experiences with OCD?
-The speaker plans to create more videos, including Vlogs, about living with OCD, traveling with OCD, and how anxiety affects them in general, especially during new experiences and in different environments.
Outlines
π€ Introduction to Anxiety and OCD
The speaker begins by expressing their intention to create a video discussing anxiety, particularly OCD, which they personally struggle with. They mention that during the peak of their symptoms, they found a lack of relatable stories online, which motivated them to share their own experience. The video aims to connect with others who might be going through similar experiences or know someone who is. The speaker is currently 24 years old, and their OCD symptoms started at 22. They've always been an anxious person, which is common for those with later-onset OCD. They elaborate on the different types of OCD, explaining that while they struggle with harm OCD, all types fall under the OCD umbrella, each with unique obsessions and compulsions.
π¨ The Impact of OCD on Personal Life
The speaker delves into the personal impact of their OCD, particularly the fear of harming themselves or others, which is a common theme in their intrusive thoughts. They describe the distress these thoughts cause and how it affects their daily life, including their relationships with family and pets. They recount a specific fear of hurting their pets and the overwhelming anxiety that accompanied it. The speaker also discusses the onset of their OCD, which they link to the introduction of an anti-depressant medication called Celexa, prescribed for travel anxiety. They express frustration with the lack of understanding from medical professionals and the misdiagnosis they received, which only exacerbated their condition.
π Emergency Room Experience and Misdiagnosis
The narrative continues with the speaker's experience in the emergency room, where they sought help due to escalating anxiety and intrusive thoughts. They recount the dismissive and unhelpful attitude of the medical staff, who failed to provide adequate support or understanding. The speaker emphasizes the importance of finding a psychiatrist with experience in mental health, as they were able to offer more insight and empathy. The speaker also discusses the compulsive behaviors they engaged in, such as seeking reassurance and researching online, which provided temporary relief but were ultimately unhelpful.
πͺοΈ Living with OCD and Its Daily Challenges
The speaker reflects on the ongoing struggle of living with OCD, emphasizing that it affects their ability to function daily. They discuss the constant battle with anxiety and intrusive thoughts, and how it has influenced their relationships and self-perception. The speaker also touches on the broader implications of OCD, such as its connection to postpartum depression and other mental health issues. They express a desire to create more content about living with OCD, including how it affects their travel experiences, and they aim to share their journey in hopes of helping others facing similar challenges.
πΉ Future Content and Closing Thoughts
In the final paragraph, the speaker concludes by expressing their intention to create more videos about living with OCD, particularly focusing on how it impacts their travel experiences. They acknowledge the difficulty of discussing personal mental health struggles on camera but remain committed to sharing their story. The speaker hopes that their content will resonate with others and provide some form of understanding or comfort to those who may be experiencing similar challenges.
Mindmap
Keywords
π‘Anxiety
π‘OCD
π‘Harm OCD
π‘Compulsions
π‘Pure O
π‘Intrusive Thoughts
π‘Mental Health
π‘Therapy
π‘Medication
π‘Support Groups
π‘Stigma
Highlights
The video discusses the personal struggle with anxiety, specifically OCD.
The creator shares their experience to connect with others who might be going through similar challenges.
OCD onset occurred at the age of 22, after a lifetime of general anxiety.
Different types of OCD are explained, such as relationship OCD and harm OCD.
The term 'pure O' is clarified, explaining the nature of invisible compulsions.
Harm OCD is described, focusing on obsessions related to causing harm.
The video describes the distress caused by intrusive thoughts of harming loved ones or pets.
The creator's fear of self-harm and harming others led to social isolation.
OCD is shown to target the things that the individual cares about most.
The video recounts the onset of OCD symptoms after starting Celexa, an antidepressant.
A negative experience with a doctor who misdiagnosed and stigmatized the creator's condition.
The creator's struggle with sleep and eating due to anxiety and intrusive thoughts.
An emergency room visit and the lack of understanding from medical staff regarding OCD.
The importance of finding a psychiatrist with experience in mental health to treat OCD.
The video creator's ongoing daily struggle with anxiety and OCD despite treatment.
The impact of OCD on relationships and the desire for reassurance.
The video concludes with plans to create more content about living with OCD.
Transcripts
hi guys hope you're doing well um I want
to do a video today about um anxiety
particularly OCD because that's what I
struggle with um because um I remember
when I was really kind of in the thick
of it um you know experiencing the worst
of the Sy of the symptoms that I had um
there weren't very many stories out
there either on YouTube or wherever you
know on blogs and stuff that were
similar enough that I felt like I was
really connecting with anybody so I want
to make this video for people like that
so maybe you'll stumble upon this if
you're struggling or if you know someone
that's struggling um and hopefully
you'll find this helpful I am 24 years
old now currently and when my um OCD
kind of came on or the onset of it
happened when I was 22 um and throughout
my whole life I had always been an
anxious person and that's typical for
people who have onset you know later on
um you kind of have these symptoms or
signs leaning up to you know uh your uh
onset of the actual disorder
and
um I struggled well still struggle I
can't say it past tense unfortunately um
the most with harm OCD now when you
name different types of OCD like if
there's relationship OCD if there's harm
OCD like I said if there's pedophilia
OCD they're all OCD they're all under
this umbrella that is OCD we just give
them
different names that don't mean anything
just to kind of help with describing the
obsessions that we have or the um
symptoms that we're experiencing so um
that's like when people say pure o OCD
it doesn't really mean anything
different it just means that your um
your compulsions are less likely to be
visible things like a lot of people that
have you know visible compulsions will
have to touch certain things a certain
amount of times they'll have to you know
uh do like walk over certain tiles or
something a certain amount of times just
so it feels right but people with pure o
OCD it will be um you know you're kind
of you can spend hours thinking about
one thing thinking about your life and
you know going back and and kind of um
what's it
called um ruminating about certain
things um so those things you can't see
happening but they're still happening
there's still compulsions there's still
things that you do to feel better guy
was saying I deal the most with harm OCD
um and it's kind of come in various
forms and I didn't realize what the hell
it was when it was happening and I it it
was driving me nuts I thought if you
would asked me when it first came on um
when it was really the worst if I
thought I was ever going to get out of
it I would have said no I thought for
sure I was either going to have to kill
myself or that I was going to end up in
some kind of institution somewhere or
that you know just something awful was
going to happen um I was pretty sure of
it um and I mean two years later I'm
still here so I guess it wasn't I mean
it was bad but it wasn't that bad so um
but harm OCD
specifically um it's when your
obsessions deal with harm it's exactly
what it sounds like um so I some people
worry that um they will hurt themselves
or hurt other people through negligence
like if you know you don't wash the
dishes properly you're going to poison
someone someone or if you you know do um
if you if you're driving your
car you might think that you hit
somebody and have to go back and check
that's your compulsion you have to go
back and check um but for me and many
other people um the fear the obsession
is that I'm going to purposely hurt
somebody like I'm going to do something
entirely out of character totally egod
distonic and I'm going to
purposely like willingly hurt somebody
and these thoughts are very distressing
to anyone that experiences this they
they scare you a lot they kind of make
you I remember when I when it was first
happening I didn't want to be around
anybody but at the same time because I
was I thought I was going to hurt
somebody but I also didn't want to be
alone because I thought I was going to
hurt myself so it's not only hurting
other people it's self harm it's all
kinds of things I remember I was really
worried that I was going to hurt an
animal um like that I was going to
purposely like choke one of my dogs or
something and that was terrifying so I
didn't want to be around anybody I
didn't want to do anything I didn't want
to I I
wished I didn't exist honestly wish you
had never been born because you never
want to experience that and the thing is
that people that have these kinds of um
obsessions are you know I'm I've always
always been an animal person I I would
lay awake in bed at night afraid of what
was going to happen to my family like if
you know if one of my parents died or
something you know so I was always
afraid of like things happening to the
people or the animals or whoever that I
cared about and so that's what happens
with OCD it attacks the things that you
know you care about so for me in
particular it was always thoughts of of
my pets of me hurting my pets of me
hurting my my family particularly my
mother um who I always had a very close
relationship with and who I think um my
relationship with her is kind of um kind
of been ruined by my OCD honestly I can
talk a little bit about the onset of it
how it happened um so when I was 22
years old I was getting ready this was
in um Mid August
I was getting ready for that the
following month in September to go to
India and I've traveled long flights
before and I've you know I just know
that I don't travel well I know that I
don't do well with um time changing and
like I just you know I have a lot of
anxiety about it because you know when I
first went to China for example I got
very very sick from just because I
couldn't sleep I couldn't eat and I it
it was a very
very hard experience those first couple
days so I went to the doctor because I
had to go and get my vaccinations and
like these certain things that were were
required because I was going to um be
helping out with the filming of a
documentary so I had like specific
things that I needed to do at the doctor
so I went there and I told them um you
know that I had some travel anxiety and
that I was you know kind of worried
about it and looking back hindsight is
2020 I never should have like listened
to what they said but they put me on
they're like oh well this will help you
they put me on
Celexa so Celexa is a anti-depressant um
that helps for people with anxiety now
the anxiety everyone that I've talked to
any psychiatrist or whatever that I've
had to go to go to after this experience
they were like why did they give you
that for what you said you were
experiencing there's no reason for like
what basically what I needed was like
Xanax like something I could take when I
was feeling anxious on the plane or the
first couple days of the trip and then I
would kind of you know fall back into it
whereas Celexa is a
longterm kind of like it takes the the
time that it would take for me to even
adjust to that medication would have
been well after I would have already
returned from India so there was no
reason for me to have been on that
medication so anyway I shouldn't have
been on it 3 days on the lowest dose um
I had or it was the onset of my OCD and
I started um having these visions and
thoughts and I have to I have to stress
this people that have these Visions or
thoughts they're not desires to do these
things they may may be impulses but
they're negative impulses that you do
not want to act on so I started having
these Visions or um these kind of
thoughts of hurting I remember I
specifically I remember I was holding
one of my dogs and I was like I could so
easily I could just I could just snap
his neck right now and I was like whoo
like what the is that like I'm and
I was really scared and like I I was
like oh whatever okay it's fine um and
then I kind of brushed it off but then
it didn't stop it was like every
everything everywhere I went every room
I was in every like whatever something
was a weapon in my head that I was going
to suddenly grab and use to hurt
somebody or to hurt myself so when this
first happened I was afraid to go into
the bathroom because there are razors in
there there are scissors in there I
thought I was going to have to you know
I was going to like you know I thought I
was going to do something with them I
was going to hurt myself or that I was
going to grab them and stab somebody
like one of my cats or something I
didn't know
what OCD was at this point like many
other people I kind of thought that OCD
was it had to do with cleanliness or
like organization like I have to have my
my desk a certain way or whatever and
for some people it is kind of it does
play on those things it's a little more
complicated um but it does you know that
does happen to some people but for many
people with OCD that is not the case and
in fact many people that do have OCD
will tell you that they are very
disorganized and very messy and that is
the case for me um so you know there you
go so I had no idea what I was going
through so I was you know I went back to
the doctor I made like an emergency
appointment and to kind of cover their
own asset says I will never forget what
this doctor said to me and he like I I
told him what I was experiencing and he
was like cutting me off and saying like
oh well you feel this way you know
you're you're probably bipolar you're
probably this you're probably
schizophrenic and I'm like I'm like I've
never had any kind of anything like this
before in my life like you this is this
is you know this is happening because I
was on this medication like it opened
some kind of Floodgate like something
happened and he asked me if I was
artistic if I was like you know into art
or if I was a musician or whatever I
told him yes I am a painter and I will
never forget verbatim he said to me this
is why so many artists end in tragedy
and I hope that you don't turn to drugs
and alcohol to cope with this and that
is not something you say to somebody who
is having a nervous breakdown um and my
mom's sitting there with me and she's
like what are you talking she's like
I've known this girl obviously 20 two
years like this is not her this is a
different person sitting here like you
can't tell me that this is her now okay
well we didn't do anything you know um
and I will never forget that I and a lot
of the people that I've told either in
my OCD groups or in therapy or you know
uh wherever could not believe that that
doctor had said that to me and that was
like the owner of the practice it it was
like not some like nobody you know it
was the owner of the practice and he
said that to me you know rather than say
you know what you maybe you shouldn't
have been on the medication which he did
not prescribe me he um it was someone
under him um that uh gave me that so um
he yeah he he rather than saying you
know well maybe okay this can happen but
he didn't say that so needless to say I
was freaking out and that night I ended
up in the emergency room cuz I was
having panic attacks and I couldn't deal
with it and I was running on I'm
starting to cry I'm sorry it's very hard
to remember this I was running
on you know many
days
um of no sleep and I hardly I couldn't
eat anything I was I was just drinking
those Special K shakes and I couldn't
even finish them and um you know I was
exhausted and I just couldn't I couldn't
function I couldn't do anything and um
I'm
sorry um so I ended up in the emergency
room and I had to be supervised because
I told them that I was having you know
thoughts of hurting myself or hurting
others and I did I tried to explain to
them that I didn't want to do these
things that
um that I'd never done anything like
that i' never wanted to
sorry
um but uh looking back on it now what's
very alarming um I think is how little
they could help me um how little they
were prepared for anything you know they
were treating they the way that I could
the way that they were talking to me um
was
like like I was a child that didn't
understand or almost like like I was
someone that could be set off and it
didn't matter how many times I tried to
explain you know I don't want to do
these things I I don't understand what's
happening to me I need you to help me
because I don't want these things to
happen
so they called in um one of those
intervention counselors or crisis
counselors or whatever and he was more
understanding he kind of you know he had
had the experience with the wrong types
of medications and all things like that
and he was like listen this is not like
the true you suddenly blossoming through
it's you know this is something that's
happening and you're dealing with it and
you know it's going to it's it's going
to it'll be
okay and he kind of helped me find a um
a psychiatrist that kind of you know
once you start talking to anybody that
has experience with with um mental
health they're like okay like I know
what you're experiencing it's it has
nothing to do with you being a sociopath
hidden or whatever you know um and
things that help me which you shouldn't
do which you shouldn't do don't take my
advice I sought reassurance and I looked
up things you know like I found out that
well I didn't find out I I knew these
things I just needed to hear them
um as a compulsion really
um uh if you're not you know a sociopath
if you're not if you're not someone
that's going to hurt somebody if you
haven't hurt animals if you're not
whatever by the time you're like 18
years old you will never be that way
like it's not going to happen like so
when you're you know 22 years old you're
not just suddenly going to be like okay
well you know what I am suddenly going
to be a sociopath and I'm going to kill
these people and I'm going to do this
it's not going to happen that way and
the thing that's hard
is even though I know that on some level
somewhere in my Consciousness I know
that um
but I
[Music]
can't I can't accept it there's always
that what if and that's why in some
languages um OCD will translate to the
wh if disease because everything is a wh
if everything becomes for me what if I
am crazy what if I am you know what if I
do want to hurt these people what if I
do want to do whatever what if I go
crazy and this
happens and all you really want you just
want like I just want a time machine to
go to the end of my life and meet myself
and say what did you do did you do
anything that you were worried about at
my age and then to have the well I guess
old lady me I don't know what I'm going
to die but the I guess you imagine an
old lady um to have the future dying me
look at me and say no you didn't do any
of that like you worried you wasted your
whole life worrying that's what I want
and then I can come back and be like
okay well I don't have I don't have to
worry about it anymore but unfortunately
it's not that easy so um yeah I mean I
like I said I'm 24 years old now and I'm
still struggling every day every day is
a very
um every day getting out of bed is hard
because um you're overrun with anxiety
right from the get-go sometimes and it
never really goes away you just learn to
manage it you you can get it under
control you can kind of you know you
have to face it and a lot of the time I
was running away from it and that was
the problem so I I think I'm going to
make another video kind of
explaining how to go
about not living your life but like how
to go about um treating yourself and how
to go
about kind of trying to
accept
um that there is something different
about you um when it comes to OCD and
you know anxiety and things like that um
and it affects so many people that they
don't even realize it you know one of
the most common I learned one of the
most common things um that especially
women who've just had a
baby and my mom actually admitted this
to me when I started telling her about
what I was going through um many new
mothers worry they don't want to be
around their kids because they worry
that they're going to either hurt them
or they're going to be like sexually
aroused when they're like changing their
diapers like weird things like that and
it and it affects your relationship with
your child so you kind of distance
yourself and that happens to a lot of
people and that kind of like postpartum
depression and all that stuff that's
very much related to OCD and depression
in general is very much related to OCD
as well I also have clinical depression
um and th those there's lots of um
mental illnesses that go hand inand and
it's unfortunate because it just
compounds the issue and makes it very
hard to deal with um so I know I did a
lot of rambling and a lot of crying and
a lot of weird whatever you know know
there are people with similar um
problems and similar
experiences okay so like I you know I
think I mentioned earlier that my whole
life I always had these kind of things
that were leading up to it you know I
mentioned worrying that my parents were
going to die I would like lay awake in
bed and then you know I forgot to
mention like I would I would be so
worried about my dogs getting out and
getting hit in the road that sometimes I
would sleep on the couch so I'd be
closer to the door to get up and like
you know if the door blew open or
something in the middle of the night we
were having a storm or I would have to
go downstairs so many times to check the
locks like and you know I I I remember
even one time one time in high school I
remember calling one of my friends
because I wasn't home no one was home I
was the last one out and I couldn't
remember if I had locked the door and I
had I called her and I was like I I need
you to go to my house and check if I I
need you to do it cuz I needed that like
I needed that
answer and you know so those are all
things that kind of you know so I mean I
guess this onset of OCD could have
happened at any time but whatever you
know happened with this Celexa whatever
happened with that I mean some people
swear by some people with OCD use Celexa
to help them but it's not right for me
and it kind of you know screwed me over
um so I mean you never know it's kind
of trial and error with all that kind of
stuff so but yeah I think I you know I
think I should leave it here and um I'm
hoping to eventually do some kinds of
like Vlogs of um living with OCD
traveling with OCD um and anxiety in
general because I'm going to be doing
well I'm obviously living with it but
I'm going to be do doing some traveling
and um it affects me very very much like
tenfolds when I'm traveling because it's
new environment different time zone
different whatever um and yeah so I'm
going to try and maybe make some of
those videos so kind of look out for
that um I hope this made sense like I
said I know I was rambling and all that
stuff but it's hard to make these videos
you don't even know what you're going to
say you don't know where it's going to
go you don't know if you're going to cry
you don't know what's going to happen so
um yeah I just you know wanted to put
that out there so thank you and I will
see you again soon
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