If I Were Single and Starting Over, This Is What I Would Do

Summary

The speaker emphasizes the importance of carefully selecting a life partner, as this decision significantly impacts personal growth and happiness. They argue that people often prioritize trivial matters over finding a compatible spouse. The speaker shares their perspective on relationship dynamics, the value of loyalty and trust, and the need for shared goals and mutual support. They advocate for honesty, self-improvement, and the pursuit of a partner who appreciates and aligns with your ambitions and values.

Takeaways

• 🙂 The person you marry has a significant impact on your life, achievements, and happiness, yet people often spend less time choosing a partner than making other life decisions.
• 👥 There's a strong correlation between well-being and the quality of your relationship with your significant other, emphasizing the importance of choosing a partner wisely.
• 👍 Being selective and maintaining high standards in finding a significant other is crucial, akin to seeking a unicorn: you only need to find one.
• 💼 Aligning your own standards and efforts with the qualities you seek in a partner is essential rather than expecting someone to accept you without effort on your part.
• 🙋‍♂‍ The concept of a 'dating pipeline' and the importance of not settling for someone just because they don't suck, but rather seeking someone truly compatible.
• 🙏 The idea that your 'type' might not be what ends up being the best match for you, highlighting the value in exploring relationships with people who differ from your usual preferences.
• 🚑 The significance of mutual respect and growth in a relationship, ensuring both partners are improving and supporting each other's goals and aspirations.
• 🙌 The necessity of honesty and clear communication about expectations and goals in a relationship, to avoid resentment and misalignment of life paths.
• 📚 Emphasizing the value of loyalty, trust, and shared journey over novelty, exploration, and individual pursuits when in a committed relationship.
• 💎 The importance of compatibility and mutual growth, ensuring that both partners are contributing positively to each other's lives and are more valuable together than apart.

Q & A

What is the significance of choosing the right partner according to the speaker?

The speaker emphasizes that the right partner has the largest impact on one's life, personal growth, achievements, and happiness. They believe that most people spend more time deciding on material possessions like cars or houses than on choosing a life partner, who they will spend the most time with.

What is the correlation between subjective well-being and the strength of a relationship?

The speaker mentions a graph from their economics class that showed a 71% correlation between subjective well-being and the strength of one's relationship with their significant other, highlighting the importance of a strong bond in a partnership.

Why does the speaker compare finding a significant other to having a sales pipeline?

The speaker compares the two as an analogy to emphasize that, in sales, one knows their conversion percentages and works towards improving them. Similarly, in finding a significant other, one should be focused and aware of their 'conversion' process, meaning the effort and strategies they use to find the right person.

What does the speaker suggest about the approach to online dating and modern relationship apps?

The speaker suggests that many people are reluctant to use dating apps, often preferring not to put in the effort to go on more than a few dates. They argue that this approach is flawed when considering the importance of choosing a life partner and that one should be more diligent in this process than in making other significant decisions.

What is the speaker's perspective on setting high standards in a relationship?

The speaker believes in setting exceptionally high standards for a potential partner, but only if one holds themselves to an even higher standard. They argue that this approach leads to self-improvement and attraction of a partner who is also committed to personal growth.

How does the speaker describe the different 'camps' or mindsets people have towards relationships?

The speaker outlines three 'camps': one where individuals accept any partner, leading to unsatisfactory relationships; another where people desire an amazing partner but fail to improve themselves; and the third, which involves deception and manipulation in dating strategies, rather than focusing on personal development.

What advice does the speaker give about the process of finding a compatible partner?

The speaker advises focusing on self-improvement and being someone worth being with, rather than using superficial tactics to attract a partner. They also suggest being brutally honest about one's goals and desires in a relationship and ensuring they align with a potential partner's expectations.

How does the speaker's father's advice on 'types' influence his perspective on relationships?

The speaker's father advised that people usually don't marry their 'type' because if they did, they wouldn't have a 'type' to begin with. This advice suggests that being open to different types of people can lead to a more fulfilling relationship and that sometimes, the person you end up with might be very different from what you initially thought was your 'type'.

What is the speaker's view on the importance of shared goals in a relationship?

The speaker believes that having shared goals is crucial in a relationship. They argue that understanding and supporting each other's ambitions and the sacrifices required to achieve them leads to a stronger partnership. Misalignment in goals can result in conflict and resentment.

How does the speaker feel about the concept of compromise in relationships?

The speaker is not in favor of compromise in relationships, especially when it comes to sacrificing one's goals or ambitions. They believe that both partners should be supportive of each other's aspirations and work together towards them, rather than settling for a middle ground that leaves both parties unfulfilled.

What does the speaker suggest as the key to a successful long-term relationship?

The speaker suggests that the key to a successful long-term relationship is finding someone who aligns with your goals, values, and ambitions, and who is committed to personal growth and self-improvement. They also emphasize the importance of mutual respect, support, and the willingness to work together towards shared objectives.

Outlines

00:00

💡 Prioritizing Lifelong Partnership

The speaker emphasizes the importance of choosing a life partner wisely, as this decision significantly impacts one's personal growth, happiness, and achievements. They highlight that people often spend more time deliberating on material possessions or living arrangements than on selecting a spouse. The speaker recalls an economics class graph that illustrated a strong correlation between life satisfaction and the quality of one's relationship with their significant other. They argue that instead of settling for less in the dating process, individuals should aim to find someone who complements their goals and values, and with whom they can build a meaningful, long-term partnership.

05:01

🌟 Diverse Relationships and Personal Growth

The speaker discusses how dating a diverse range of individuals can lead to personal growth and a broader understanding of different cultures and lifestyles. They share their own experiences of dating people with varying interests and backgrounds, which has enriched their perspective. The speaker also talks about the importance of developing the skill of judging people accurately, which involves recognizing patterns and learning from past experiences. They believe that being brutally honest about one's expectations and desires in a relationship can lead to a stronger and more fulfilling partnership.

10:02

🔄 Trade-offs in Relationships

The speaker explores the concept of trade-offs in relationships, such as exchanging novelty for loyalty and the pursuit of multiple romantic interests for a shared journey with one partner. They argue that being clear about one's priorities and understanding the costs associated with one's choices is crucial for a successful relationship. The speaker also emphasizes the importance of aligning with a partner who supports and shares the same long-term goals and is willing to make sacrifices to achieve them together.

15:02

💌 The Dynamics of Supportive Partnerships

The speaker discusses the dynamics of a supportive partnership, where both individuals work towards common goals and appreciate each other's contributions. They believe that a strong relationship is one where the combined efforts of both partners are greater than their individual efforts. The speaker also talks about the importance of each partner being an asset to the other, contributing positively to the relationship and helping each other grow. They argue that a successful relationship is measured by how much better the couple is together compared to being apart.

20:03

🚀 Growth and High Standards in Relationships

The speaker advocates for setting high standards in relationships and maintaining personal growth to attract and be worthy of a quality partner. They argue that one must be ambitious in self-improvement and hold oneself to a higher standard than the expectations for a partner. The speaker shares their own experiences of becoming a better version of themselves through their relationship and emphasizes the importance of mutual support and encouragement in achieving personal goals. They believe that relationships should be a virtuous cycle of growth, where both partners help each other become the best versions of themselves.

Keywords

💡Significant Other

The term 'significant other' refers to a person's partner in an intimate relationship. In the context of the video, it emphasizes the importance of choosing a life partner who will have a profound impact on one's happiness, achievements, and personal growth. The speaker highlights the strong correlation between life satisfaction and the quality of the relationship with one's significant other, underscoring the necessity of investing time and effort in finding the right person.

💡Standards

In the video, 'standards' refers to the criteria or expectations one sets for their potential partner. The speaker advocates for having high standards, which are even higher than the standards one holds for oneself. This concept is tied to the idea that self-improvement and personal growth are essential before seeking a partner, as it increases the likelihood of finding a compatible and supportive significant other.

💡Compatibility

Compatibility is the degree to which two people share similar traits, values, and goals, which makes their relationship harmonious and successful. The video emphasizes the importance of finding a partner with whom one shares not only current aspirations but also future growth directions. This concept is integral to the discussion on long-term relationship satisfaction and the avoidance of settling for less in the pursuit of a fulfilling partnership.

💡Personal Growth

Personal growth refers to the process of self-improvement and becoming a better version of oneself. In the video, the speaker underscores the importance of personal growth for both individuals in a relationship, as it contributes to the overall success and strength of the partnership. The idea is that by working on oneself and setting high standards, one becomes more deserving and capable of attracting and maintaining a healthy relationship with a compatible partner.

💡Long-term Goals

Long-term goals are the significant objectives that a person aims to achieve over an extended period. In the context of the video, these goals are crucial in defining what an individual wants in life and ensuring that their partner aligns with these aspirations. The speaker emphasizes that a successful relationship involves partners who not only share the same long-term goals but also support and contribute to achieving them together.

💡Synergy

Synergy refers to the interaction or cooperation of two or more parties to produce a combined effect that is greater than the sum of their individual effects. In the video, the speaker discusses how a successful relationship involves synergy between partners, where their efforts and goals complement and enhance each other, leading to mutual growth and achievement. This concept is central to the idea of choosing a partner who adds value and contributes positively to one's life.

💡Appreciation

Appreciation in the context of the video refers to the act of recognizing, valuing, and expressing gratitude for the positive qualities and actions of one's partner. The speaker mentions that appreciation comes easily in romantic relationships, and it is a crucial element for maintaining a healthy and supportive partnership. By appreciating each other's efforts and achievements, partners reinforce a positive and nurturing environment that fosters growth and satisfaction.

💡Priorities

Priorities are the most important things or goals that guide a person's actions and decisions. In the video, the speaker emphasizes the need for clarity in one's priorities, especially in a relationship. Understanding and aligning priorities with one's partner ensures that both parties are working towards the same objectives and are willing to make necessary sacrifices or compromises to achieve them together.

💡Trade-offs

Trade-offs involve making a decision to give up or sacrifice something in order to gain something else. In the context of the video, the speaker discusses the concept of trade-offs in relationships, such as trading novelty for loyalty or exploration for trust. These trade-offs are essential in understanding the commitment and long-term nature of a relationship, where individuals must decide what they are willing to sacrifice for the sake of their partnership.

💡Alignment

Alignment refers to the process of ensuring that two or more things are coordinated or working together in a harmonious and productive manner. In the video, the speaker stresses the importance of having a partner who is aligned with one's aspirations, goals, and values. This alignment is crucial for a successful relationship, as it ensures that both partners are moving in the same direction and supporting each other's growth and achievements.

💡Resilience

Resilience is the ability to recover quickly from difficulties or adapt to challenging situations. In the context of the video, resilience is an important personal quality that contributes to the success of a relationship. It enables individuals to endure hardships, learn from experiences, and grow stronger as a result. The speaker's improvement in resilience since meeting his wife is an example of personal growth that positively impacts their relationship.

Highlights

The importance of choosing the right partner, as they will have the largest impact on one's life, happiness, and achievements.

The correlation between subjective well-being and the strength of the relationship with a significant other is 71%.

The paradox of spending more time deciding on material possessions than on selecting a life partner.

The concept of having high standards for a partner and the importance of self-improvement to match those standards.

The idea of 'Camp one' where people settle for less and 'Camp two' where people desire an amazing partner but fail to improve themselves.

The fallacy of using dating hacks and deception to attract a partner, as true character will eventually reveal itself.

The belief in solving one big issue to improve all aspects of life, including relationships.

The insight that people often don't marry their 'type', suggesting that different qualities may be more suitable for long-term partnership.

The value of dating a diverse range of people to gain exposure to different cultures and psychographics.

The importance of developing the skill of judging people accurately, which requires pattern recognition and experience.

The realization that one's partner should support their goals and not hinder their progress for a successful relationship.

The idea of being brutally honest about expectations and desires in a relationship to avoid future resentment.

The concept of trading novelty for loyalty, exploration for trust, and the chase for a shared journey in a relationship.

The importance of aligning life goals with one's partner and the potential for conflict when goals differ.

The belief that a good spouse should not ask their partner to abandon their goals or change the rules midway.

The analogy of a spouse being a cheerleader who supports their partner's ambitions rather than detracting from them.

The idea that relationships should add value to each other's lives, with both partners contributing to shared goals and aspirations.

The emphasis on personal growth and improvement as a means to attract and maintain a high-quality relationship.

The perspective that a successful relationship is one where both partners are better together than they are apart, and the value of mutual support and reinforcement.

Transcripts

if I were single and starting over this

is how I'd find my partner the person

you spend the rest of your life with

will have the largest impact on who you

become what you achieve and how happy

you are but most people spend more time

deciding what car they want to buy or

what neighborhood they're going to live

in than the person they're going to

marry when I was in college there was a

graph they put on the board in my

economics class that said that there's a

71 correlation between your subjective

well-being and the strength of your

relationship with your significant other

and if you pair that with amount of time

spent with friends family kids alone and

spouse over time alone and spouse go up

and everything else crashes down to like

almost nothing the person that you're

going to spend the most amount of time

for the rest of your life with is going

to be your spouse the amount of single

people that I see right now who are like

H I don't want to be on the apps the

apps don't work it's

like we're talking about finding the one

person you're going to be with for the

rest of your life that you're going to

spend the most amount of time with out

of all humans by like a wide wide mark

and you're like I don't want to go on

more than 10 Dates it's like so you just

want to spin the wheel 10 times to just

pick whatever of the 10 that you get

that you're like I guess this one

doesn't suck and then that's it that's

the rest of your life it's like I just

want the rest of my life to kind of not

suck it's kind of like the inverse of

selling like in sales you have a

pipeline and you know what your

conversion percentages are the thing

with finding significant other is you

only need to find one and I remember

when I was way younger like in high

school going to college where you know

some girls like what are you looking for

we're like on a date thing and it did

not go the way she was expecting um I

was just like these are all the things

I'm looking for and she was really

discouraged looks like you're just

trying to find a unicorn I was like only

have to find one I think I believe in

having exceptionally high standards only

second to the standards you hold

yourself to so either you've got like

Camp number one I'll take anyone with a

pulse that's one way to do it you're

just going to get the scraps of society

which sucks Camp two which is probably

the more prevalent one which is why so

many people are struggling is I want to

have this amazing person but I suck but

they should be so amazing that they

should see me for who I am deep down

like deep no deeper even deeper like

really deep down they should be able to

see that right even though I'm [ __ ] up

and I don't have a job and I'm

overweight and i' never stick with my

commitments and I never follow through

like besides all that and I lie

sometimes you know what I mean that I

haven't been faithful for like past

relationships but still and I'm not

complimentary and like I don't have any

values that that they aspire to be I

actually really have nothing going for

me but besides all of that deep deep

down I'm amazing they just knew how to

look that's like Camp too and I feel

like that's a lot of people and then

Camp 3 is you know I I saw this meme

that went like all over the Internet

which is you can consolidate all of the

relationship guru's dating advice to be

successful and they were they were

making fun of that yes that that is at

the at the end of everything that's it

100 different hacks and most of them are

about deception like realistically like

most of the like dating hacks that I see

are about posturing and perceiving you

know making people see you a certain way

but but the thing is is like on a long

enough time R they're going to figure

out who you are and so like it's

short-term longterm and so people don't

want to do the harder long-term work of

just like being somebody worth being

with and want to find out how they can

like optimize their dating profiles and

don't get me wrong like it's an ad so

get nice images sure like maybe spend 5

minutes on what you're going to have

every single Potential Prospect in your

life see okay that makes sense the real

work is like okay you go on the date now

what right like you still have to like

be somebody that somebody might want to

be with so I'm a big like big Domino

believer which is like if I solve this

one big thing can I make all of the rest

of these things go away I can do a 100

tiny tweaks and hacks to try and find a

girl who's out of my league or I can

just make myself so worthy that I can

get any girl no matter what league she's

in and if I just do that the rest I

don't I don't need to optimize my

profile I don't need to have I don't

need to have all these things because if

I just have that I'm fine and so I've

just I've tended to try and find that

one thing in business in Fitness in

relationships um and that serve me

pretty well my dad told me this when I

was single he said everyone has a type

and you'll date plenty of people who are

that type but the chances are that

you're not going to marry your type

because if you were then you wouldn't

have a type you'd have a wife and I

found that really interesting because if

you keep dating the same type of person

and you're like this is my type then it

is probably a good signal that that type

of person isn't the person you end up

with because you still keep dating them

if you have been dating one type of

person then you finally get with

somebody else and it's very different it

doesn't necessarily mean that's bad if

anything it might actually be the type

of person you end up marrying and I just

find that as a really interesting frame

for thinking through mate selection you

know we date people who fill one clear

role or one clear look especially when

you're younger it's just I mean at least

for me it was just like how hot is this

person or whatever but over time you

realize that like you date someone a

little bit on the edge and you're like

oh I liked all these other things that

the people I normally don't have and

then all of a sudden you start branching

into very different types of people and

kind of in some ways appreciating cuz I

I would say I've I've dated a more

diverse selection of people than I've

been friends with I would say friends

like anyone who's friends with me is

very narrowly interested in certain

types of things but people I dated I was

willing to date people were far outside

of that sphere of confidence and so even

though I currently now am married to

somebody who is in that sphere of like

business and hardcore and all that stuff

I feel like I I got a a big appreciation

for lots of different cultures

ethnically but also like psychograph of

deeply religious people like I dated

people who were deeply religious before

and so I have a really good appreciation

for that and so I wouldn't have had that

exposure had I not been willing to kind

of break the type I think being able to

pick and judge people is one of the most

valuable skills you can ever develop and

it's one of the hardest ones to develop

because it takes pattern recognition

getting burned I'm going to lean into

this like judging people is fine you

have to assess someone how are you going

to assess them without judging them the

difference is calling them good or bad

like getting an accurate assessment of

who someone is or what they do is

totally fine and it's human to do that

and I think it's it's necessary and so

this this idea of like you should never

judge anyone it's like you should judge

everyone you just NE don't necessarily

need to measure yourself against them I

feel like you're only going to be able

to recognize patterns if you put

yourself out there and you're willing to

have terrible first dates and terrible

second dates uh for an extended period

of time because you might find out that

there's like a whole set of character

traits that you didn't even know were

important to you and then you find them

and you're like whoa this is now way

more important than all the other stuff

that I used to think was important I

only found that stuff out cuz like it's

really hard to even hear podcasts like

this and be like okay what do I do with

this like it is just exposure you can

make judgments on people even outside of

a romantic relationship of like man I

like this person that I worked with like

what are the traits that I like about

this person and trying to like really

pinpoint those like I I learned that I

really liked a woman who respected me

and who followed traditional gender

roles uh those are things that are super

important to me that I didn't know were

important to me I only found that out

kind of later I I I needed someone who

does not get in the way of my goals if I

had somebody who who was felt like I was

taking by pursuing my goals I knew it

would never work long term because I

can't have my entire life be a take for

somebody else I'll never be able to to

flip that that balance so like I I need

someone who literally doesn't even see

it as a take not someone who's like you

can take as much as you want that still

doesn't work cuz the paradigm's wrong

like they have to see it as a give like

they have to see me working as doing as

fulfilling my duty to our household and

I want them to judge me on that and so

making sure that the person you're with

judges you by the metrics that you judge

yourself on you might be spending all

this time effort optimizing towards what

you think you should be judged on but if

they're judging you on completely

different metrics you're screwed you'll

never win and so there's always going to

be this huge disconnect this huge gap

where they're like you could be doing

more and you're like how can I possibly

do more but it's because you're actually

judging against different outcomes

making sure that the things that they

expect of you and the things that you

expect of you are the same and then they

should be supporting you because they

want those things from you too and then

that way you can work in Synergy towards

what you're trying to accomplish

together uh rather than feeling there's

always this give take cuz like really

really super honestly like Lea and I

don't really have a give take

relationship we both just like want the

same thing I never want her to think I

could have done more or I could have

worked harder or I left anything on the

field and so I think that's been a

source of mutual respect is that we're

both harder on ourselves than the other

person is on us and so we're always out

outdoing the other person's expectations

because we're both assessing on the same

metrics if you want to be the ultimate

husband find a woman who loves all the

things that you currently do way less

work than trying to change everything

about who you are to match what they

want from you the amount of times I was

in relationships where the things that

they wanted me to do I was like this

isn't me like I can't expend effort to

do

this but I don't want to on a forever

basis because I will resent you but the

thing is that there's another guy who

would love to do that and probably does

it on his own and they should marry him

and so I think just being like really

really really brutally honest about what

do you really want out of me and what do

you expect like what's a 10 out of 10

husband look like to you and if it

matches what I already do or what I'm

planning to do then it makes both of our

lives a lot easier because I'm going to

work my ass off on what I already want

to do and it will just so happen to F

fulfill all of your desires but I think

way too many people spend time in this

like compromise Zone where neither

person gets what they want even if both

of you compromise you're not enjoying

the thing that you're compromising on

they're getting a worse version of what

they ideally want

and you're just walking out this like

kind of middle path when I think both

people could be better served by being

brutally honest up front and being okay

with somebody being an amazing person

just not their amazing person you know

one of the biggest things that I hate

about romance advice and relationship

advice in general in the whole Space

which is why I try not to touch it is

that there is no objective measure for a

relationship billionaire so like

somebody else can be married or in a

relationship and I make a piece of

content and they're like well you're

[ __ ] wrong because of X Y and Z and

I'm like things is that there's no way

that anyone externally can see how

healthy a relationship is internally and

so that's what I think makes it so hard

about the space cuz the only success

metric we have is not divorced the vast

majority of marriages that I see I would

not want at all Roy southernland said

this which I think is actually really

interesting he talked about how realtors

Realtors should be advertising the

negative aspects of a property to allow

people to make better decisions if you

say hey it's you know I'm next to the

pub area for some people that's going to

be a no-go Zone but for somebody who

likes the night life then it's going to

be a pro but all Realtors do is talk

about the plus sides but what you really

want is the Arbitrage between something

that you are fine with that would quote

devalue your property that someone else

isn't fine with and that's where the the

mismatches or the better matches

actually happen I think to the same

degree people could approach dating that

way which is rather than say all the

good things like I'm hardworking I'm in

shape whatever state all the downsides

because if all of your downsides

someone's like those things don't bother

me me that becomes a very strong

relationship or has the makings of a

strong relationship because then there's

all the things that everyone is

complaining about of you if they're cool

with it then they only get upside if I'm

fine with being on the bars when it's

late next to the Metro even though

there's noise because I work from an

office and I don't I'm not home during

the day um if I'm a you know I'm a guy

and I'm not worried about being in a

rougher neighborhood cuz no one's going

to you know necessarily approach me

versus an a single girl who's 100

lb then that probably that house my

match with that house is probably a good

deal for me I'm probably get I'm going

to probably get a steal on the house and

so you want to get a steal on a partner

is like all these things is what other

people were bothered about [ __ ] I love

all that [ __ ] or I'm fine with all of it

like you work too much cool me too I we

work together uh people kind of don't

like that I'm like kind of particular

about what I eat and like I want to you

know stay in shape cool me too awesome

and so just take all the negatives and

find somebody who thinks as negatives

are positives or at least neutral and

then like how much effort are you put in

the relationship you're just being you

and they just like you for you and I

think that's way more about like what is

liking someone for who they are it's

that and it's not like I don't think

it's this whole journey of like they

suck at these things but I accept them

it's more like everyone else thinks the

suck about them but I'm cool with it I

think that's a much stronger frame the

person whose opinion matters the most to

me is hers like her hers carries the

most weight so if she's like you crushed

that it means a lot more to me than

500,000 strangers saying I crushed it

because if she said then like she knows

what I'm capable of whereas for many

people who don't know you anything

that's better than what they would do

they would consider a success but their

bar is much lower than mine is and so

she knows what my bar is and she has a

high bar too and so that's why it it

matters more like the reason that she's

probably not writing a book anytime is

because she knows how much work I put

into it and she's like I'm afraid it's

not going to be as good as one of yours

on the flip side she's so much better at

running a company she's so much better

at leading she's so much better at

managing she's so much better at

interacting with people selling ideas to

the team I'm great at selling ideas to

the public she's created selling ideas

to the team and so completely different

skill set and so I um and like when she

does Great Stuff with the team like I

just I just appreciate her and all the

stuff that she does I would say that for

me appreciation believe it or not

actually comes really easily in romantic

relationships like showering with praise

like I I've always been good at that

doing other stuff like gifts

[ __ ] you know like acts of service

tougher for me but like telling you did

a good job I'm your guy even within the

people that we date we should still have

priorities of like what is the most

important what's second most important

and if you're like well they're all

important then it means that you need to

clarify your priorities cuz nothing

everything can't be a priority this is

literally strategy and business

everything's important but some things

are still more important than others and

if you can't get clear on what the

priorities are for you then how the [ __ ]

do you expect your spouse or your

partner or the person you're dating to

figure out what's important for you if

you can't even figure it out and so if

you're clear on here's my checklist of

tactics that mean a lot to me and then

here's my checklist on goals or

character traits or activities that mean

a lot to me if they if they sacrifice a

number three to keep doing doing number

one you can't be upset about that

because that was the tree that you

decided to make now if they show you

some three awesome it's gravy but the

number one still has to stay number one

for her me having big goals and being

ambitious just was the number one thing

that she was attracted to and I was like

good cuz that's the thing that's not

going to change now these other things

if I have time or I have headp space or

I remember I do them but I also forget

all the time I forgot her birthday the

first year we were married I also forgot

mine I can't believe you would do that

to your wife I was like I also did it to

me I like me too so like what does that

say it's making sure you understand the

trade-offs you're making and then not

being upset after the fact at the price

tag for the Nikes that you chose to buy

it cost 500 bucks either get the Nikes

or don't complain about the price you

can't have both I think really clearly

stating you want this the cost of this

is this are you okay with that if you're

not this won't work because I too want

this but I understand the cost is this

and I'm willing to pay the cost but are

you willing to pay it too and I think if

that person is not willing to pay it

then they are not supporting your

long-term goals and then if you play it

out and you don't achieve your long-term

goals who do you blame you'll resent

them and if you're an amazing stoic

you'll blame yourself but realistically

you'll probably just resent them so I

have I have a friend who has been single

for a long time he was dating somebody

for you know a few years he was like how

do you just stick with one person he's

obviously successful guy in shape

whatever like a Chad right who can who

can get girls you know we' gone back and

forth and I just try to consolidate it

into one statement I added the other two

on later what I told him is I was like

you just trade novelty for loyalty like

you you give up novelty but what do you

get if you give up novelty but then you

don't have loyalty yeah it's a bad

[ __ ] trade but if you get loyalty for

me I value loyalty arguably even above

law loyalty as we have defined it is

your ability to predict Behavior like if

someone is loyal it means that I have a

high ability to predict their future

Behavior if someone is disloyal then

they I might not know what they're doing

and that's not a controlling thing it's

it's just like does does somebody act in

accordance to the statements that

they've made you trade exploration for

trust right like you can explore all

these things but then you don't really

trust anyone but if you stop exploring

then you start paying you start

investing in time into one thing and I

think the dividends of that time is

trust and then you trade like this is

from a day-to-day activities perspective

you trade the chase of chasing tail

chasing women chasing men whatever for a

journey together so one is you kind of

on the hunt and the other is with you

someone by side going towards someplace

so rather than you going towards people

you're with someone already going

towards an idea or a goal or an outcome

or a purpose and so for me those were

trades that I was willing to make

basically the moment I thought I

wouldn't be able to marry someone I

stopped seeing them I had mul girls big

like not to be weird but like being like

let's get married let's do this and I

was like I don't think I want to and

then that was it but it saved me a lot

of time and saved them a lot of years

and so I also think it's an ethical

thing and this is this is more message

to guys and really just message to the

Chads out there so take it for what it

is but like I I genuinely do not like

when a guy pretends like he might do

something later when he knows that he's

not going to want to have kids or he's

not going to want to get married and the

girl is there waiting hoping I don't

like that cuz to me it's a lie I State

the facts and tell the truth is probably

like one of my big comeback toos in

everything in life especially hardships

it's like if you have a hard

conversation State the facts and tell

the truth like I don't want to marry you

if you would like to hang out with me in

the meantime while you find someone with

that but I want to be clear that this is

my intention if it evolves into

something later cuz you magically change

maybe but probably not and I think that

people can't have that hard conversation

because they're cowards that being said

if you prefer novelty to loyalty and you

prefer exploration to trust and you

prefer the chase to a journey then you

shouldn't get married like I I have no I

have no qualm one way or the other that

was just a tradeit I was willing to make

with this particular person it'd be hard

for me to find another Lea your spouse

marries to two people the person you are

and the person that you want to become

make sure that they love both sometimes

they meet you in today but where you're

going is somewhere very different

tomorrow and so it comes back to the

idea of change versus growth which is if

they want you to grow then it's being

more of what you already are in the

direction you're already growing if they

want you to change they want you to be

someone different towards a different

end goal and so I think a lot of people

kid themselves this happens I think more

women towards men than men towards women

to be honest but like women will try and

like he's a project it's like that's a

[ __ ] terrible way to live life like

dear God making the person that you are

committed to a project it means that

they don't either love who you are they

don't love who you're going to become

most people have been in only like three

or four major relationships in their

life before they get married and a lot

of times it's just like the person who

was there at the time when they were old

enough that they should get married like

that's really what happens most of the

time which is why most marriages are

nonsp spectacular but I think if you

went on a 100 dayses

you probably have a way better idea of

the types of people the character trates

out there the interest that you might be

able to potentially share with someone

and just not basically just not settling

just being willing to say no to good and

good not being good enough most people

have an idea of their aspirations and

their goals if those are your

aspirations and your goals hopefully you

share them with your spouse or the

person that you want to be married to

and if that person is aligned with those

aspirations and goals then they should

be aligned with you paying the price to

achieve them it just comes down to that

like if they if they're willing if they

love the person you want to become then

they're going to be willing to do with

the sacrifice that it will take to get

where it becomes an issue I think is

where people don't know what they want

to do with their lives and to me that's

a you problem that you need to solve cuz

otherwise you're just basically a a

rolled Dice and the other person's a

rolled Dice and then you roll them later

in your relationship and you find out

that you want different things which I

think honestly counter to popular

opinion I think that's a perfectly fine

reason to not be with somebody and for

some reason you're it's okay to break up

with somebody when you're not married

because you want different things but

then if you find out later that you want

different things when you're married

it's not okay if Leila came to me

tomorrow and was like I want to live on

a farm and not work and do whatever I'd

be like that's going to be tough I'd try

and convince her

otherwise but like that would be tough

cuz it would just it I was like that's a

price I'm not willing to pay because

what I'd be sacrificing is my dream of

who I want to be because at the end of

the day like your spouse can either be a

liability or an asset and a reminder is

that liabilities decline in value over

time assets increase in value I

recommend choosing the latter that is

why growth is so important to me from uh

picking a spouse perspective because

women's status declines in time they're

most attract acve at you know 20 to 30

years old and then it declines in time

if you use Society standards they have

to have other ways of providing value I

would rather be with somebody who's

continually getting better continually

working on themselves continually trying

to get new skills get New Perspectives

new experiences whatever and somebody

who's going to stagnate and just

basically ride the coattails of their

genetic Lottery which unfortunately I

feel a lot of like entrepreneur or you

know wealthy guys that I know like they

just pick somebody who wanton a genetic

Lottery they're just instead of being a

trust fund kid it's a it's a it's a

beauty trust fund girl they just were

born beautiful they have nothing else

cuz they never needed to and that sucks

so there's a stat that always gets

thrown around that more than half of

marriages end in divorce but it's a

little bit misleading because it's

actually significantly lower for

first-time marriages so first-time

marriages have like a 30% chance of

divorce third fourth Etc I think second

is like 70 and third is like 80 or

something it's very high very very high

so so the reality is that the people who

get married many times skew the stats

because the divorce rate is based on

marriages not based on people

but yeah so there is this illusion that

like you know all marriages in but like

if it's your first marriage you've got a

seven and a 10 shot of staying married

till one of you dies I feel like that's

a little bit more encouraging yeah I

mean I see I I like the I like the term

partner even though it's like considered

like woke or something now I think but I

like the term partner or life partner

because of what it like really entails

more than spouse or wife or husband

because what you're really signing up

for is somebody who's going to partner

with you for life and so like if you had

a business partner you'd want somebody

who had you know contrasting skills with

to you but had the same goal like if you

have a partner like you want to build

this amazing thing together they should

want to go the same place as you they

should want to have the same values as

you is getting there but they should

have complimentary skills that's what

picking a good partner looks like in

business and it looks the same in

marriage if you find a true partner then

the sum of the whole is greater than its

parts I would say the vast majority of

relationships one or the other is a

liability and is a is a weight against

the other person and the person who's in

the relationship would be better off if

they were alone and so that's kind of

how I measure that's how I would measure

relational success is how how much more

valuable is the sum than the individual

parts and so I think the people who get

the biggest Delta between who they are

individually versus who they are

together that's what I would deem is the

measure of a successful relationship how

much better are they together I love

this is analogy from Gary ve

cheerleaders don't ask the quarterback

to leave the game when the game's on the

line a good spouse clears the way on the

field or cheers from the sidelines to

support you but you know what they never

do

ask you to leave the game when the

game's on the line and the thing is I

see so many so many spouses who when the

game's on the line and the person's been

putting all this time in to achieve the

goal that they said matter to them then

says I also have this other goal that

matters to me too I'm changing the rules

on you and I think that creates a lot of

conflict it's like I'm trying to win the

way that I thought we both said we

wanted to win but now you're saying that

halfway through the game or when I'm at

the 10 yard line that touchdowns don't

matter anymore that for me if someone

did that and meant it I would run the

other way cuzz you can't win honestly

most relationships are one person's

watching from home with the game in the

background while they're doing other

stuff blowing up the person's phone

while they're on the sidelines before

like an important point that they need

to win saying all these things that

aren't going to help them or even

actively hope that they their spouse's

team loses so they can finally come home

because they changed the rules and said

this is actually winning now but then

when they're home they say why aren't

you winning on the field and if you're

with somebody who can't get straight

what they want from you find someone who

does I had a I had a relationship that I

was super into for a very long time but

at the end of the day they wanted

different things out of life they were

like these are the goals that I have and

I was like these are the goals I have

and like we amicably split I was like I

hope you get all that stuff I'm not the

guy for that but I hope you get it cuz

if that's not a line then like we're

just going to run into conflict later

cuz one of us is going to have to give

if there's two separate goals one

person's goal is is going to have to

give or you have the same goal and then

you both give all you have to that one

goal and so rather than being detractors

the efforts become additive and then

they stack on top of each other which is

why the whole value of relationship or

the strength of relationship is based on

how much better they are together versus

apart at the end of the day I think we

all need someone who believes in us as

much or more than we believe in

ourselves bonus points if they are your

spouse and double bonus points if uh

you're that person for them if the if

the whole point is to get the sum of the

whole to be greater than the parts they

have to believe that you can be better

than you are and it's about being better

not different than who you are and I

think that's a big delineation that gets

confused like they Define you being more

the way I want you to be as better but

it's really just different than who you

are but if it's I want you to be more of

who you are then that's better and if

that better is also their better that's

when I think the magic happens and if

you can also do that for them then I

think you have a really virtuous cycle

of both people reinforcing one another

to become better versions of the self

themselves align with the goal that both

of you already pre-agreed to saying that

you wanted I think everyone should have

obscenely high standards for the one

person they're going to spend the rest

of their life with but you can only have

those obscenely high standards if you

hold yourself to a higher standard than

you hold them to Big goals plus big work

equals ambitious big goals plus lazy

equals entitled and I think most people

feel entitled to an amazing spouse but

they aren't ambitious about how they

want to pursue them and so I think if we

replaced a lot of this basically being

mediocre and complaining about the

mediocre selection you have with how do

I hold myself to a higher bar than I'd

hold my spouse to my future spouse too I

think you'll find that future spouse but

it's probably three or four iterations

from who you currently are to deserve or

be worthy of that spouse I think um

Leila had someone asked her not in a

weird way they're like how would I be

able to get a girl like you she came to

me afterwards and she was like I didn't

want to say the mean thing which is like

I would never be with someone like you

like that's the real I think most of

better marriages comes from becoming

better people better people then are

attracted to better people which then

means that you have the very hard work

of looking yourself in the mirror and

saying like where am my deficient and if

it's everywhere you start with the most

important one and you start there I'm

much wealthier now that my wife is in my

life I'm in much better shape than when

I met Ila I'm much less angry than when

I met Lea I'm more patient than when I

met Lea I'm Kinder than when I met Lea I

have far more

endurance and far more

longsuffering

and I experience a lot more joy in my

life than when I met her there's no

almost no stat that I have that has gone

down if you find someone that is taking

you away from more than one of your

goals especially if they are priorities

for you I think you're far less likely

to change them and it' be far easier to

find someone who is