Jordan Peterson: Why Do Nice Guys Nice Finish Last? (MUST WATCH)

Summary

This transcript explores the differences between agreeable and disagreeable people, focusing on how these traits impact personal desires, career success, and social relationships. Agreeable people often prioritize others' needs, leading to challenges in asserting their own desires, while disagreeable people tend to be self-focused. The discussion emphasizes the importance of balancing these traits, particularly in parenting and career development, and highlights the societal implications of extreme agreeableness or disagreeableness. The speaker also touches on the development of aggression in young boys and the importance of adapting one's temperament for success in life and relationships.

Takeaways

• 🙂 Disagreeable people know what they want and are willing to go after it, while agreeable people often struggle to identify their own desires due to their tendency to prioritize others' needs.
• 😌 Highly agreeable people may find it harder to assert themselves, making it challenging for them to pursue personal goals, such as forging a career.
• 🙃 There are significant differences at the extremes of agreeableness between genders; the most agreeable people are typically women, and the most disagreeable people are often men.
• 😕 Being low in agreeableness is a predictor of imprisonment, as it makes individuals more callous and self-centered, potentially leading to criminal behavior.
• 🤝 Agreeable people are more inclined to negotiate for others rather than themselves, which can leave them vulnerable to exploitation, particularly because they are wired to care for others, like infants.
• 💬 Assertiveness training in therapy helps agreeable individuals learn to negotiate on their own behalf and express uncomfortable truths.
• 🍼 Agreeable people avoid conflict, especially around children, to maintain peace and safety, but this tendency can hinder problem-solving in the long term.
• 👧 Effective socialization by age four is crucial for children, particularly for disagreeable ones, as their behavior can lead to rejection from peers and authority figures if not properly managed.
• 😡 Aggression in boys tends to spike with the onset of puberty, and this surge is linked to both criminal behavior and creative expression.
• 🌍 Personal growth involves expanding one’s skills beyond their natural temperament, such as introverts learning extroverted behaviors or disagreeable people developing agreeable traits.

Q & A

What is the main difference between agreeable and disagreeable people?

Agreeable people tend to prioritize others' needs over their own, often not knowing what they want because they are so focused on making others comfortable. Disagreeable people, on the other hand, are more likely to pursue their own interests, even at the expense of others.

Why might agreeable people have difficulty in their careers?

Agreeable people may struggle in their careers because they avoid conflict, making it difficult for them to negotiate on their own behalf and assert their desires. This tendency to prioritize others can prevent them from advancing or achieving their goals.

How does gender factor into agreeableness, according to the script?

While men and women, on average, don’t differ much in levels of agreeableness, at the extremes there is a significant difference: most highly agreeable people are women, and most highly disagreeable people are men.

Why are disagreeable people more likely to end up in prison?

Disagreeable people are more likely to be imprisoned because low agreeableness is correlated with callousness and a lack of compassion, traits that can lead to criminal behavior. Disagreeable individuals are more willing to break social norms and rules for their own benefit.

What is assertiveness training, and why is it useful for agreeable people?

Assertiveness training teaches agreeable people how to negotiate on their own behalf and express their true thoughts and desires, even when those thoughts may seem harsh or conflict-inducing. This helps them avoid being exploited and build stronger personal boundaries.

Why is socializing disagreeable children important?

Socializing disagreeable children is crucial because, if they are not taught to control their aggressive tendencies by around age four, they may face rejection from both peers and adults. This social rejection can lead to long-term antisocial behavior.

How does testosterone affect male aggression and behavior?

Testosterone raises the average level of male aggression, particularly during puberty, peaking between ages 16 and 25. This spike in testosterone correlates with higher rates of criminality and creativity during this period.

What role does temperament play in choosing a partner?

Temperament plays a key role in relationships. Partners who are too distant in temperament, such as one being highly introverted and the other highly extroverted, or one being orderly and the other disorderly, may find it hard to bridge the gap and live harmoniously.

Why might children who are not socialized by age four face long-term consequences?

Children who are not socialized by age four may be rejected by peers and adults, leading to a cycle of social isolation. As they grow older, the developmental gap between them and their peers widens, making it harder for them to integrate socially.

What does the speaker suggest disagreeable people do to improve their social skills?

The speaker suggests that disagreeable people practice doing something for others daily. This can help them develop empathy and learn to consider others' needs, which may improve their relationships and social interactions.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 The Nature of Agreeable and Disagreeable People

This paragraph discusses the difference between agreeable and disagreeable people. Disagreeable individuals know what they want and pursue it, while agreeable people, often focused on pleasing others, may struggle to identify their own desires. Though agreeableness can be beneficial in certain situations, it is a hindrance in career-building. Men and women generally have similar levels of agreeableness, but extremes differ: most highly agreeable individuals are women, while the most disagreeable are men. The extremes matter more than the average, as seen in society with more men in prison, where low agreeableness correlates with higher rates of imprisonment due to callousness.

05:00

👶 The Development of Social Skills in Children

This paragraph highlights the importance of early socialization in children. If a child is not disciplined properly by the age of four, they may face social rejection, leading to difficulties in life. It emphasizes the responsibility of parents to ensure their child is socially desirable by teaching them basic social rules, such as not interrupting adults and sharing with others. The lack of socialization leads to alienation, with aggressive children becoming long-term antisocial individuals. Early social development is crucial as children who fall behind at an early age may be left behind permanently.

10:05

👦 Aggression, Testosterone, and Socialization in Boys

This paragraph explores the socialization of aggressive boys, particularly how testosterone influences aggression levels during puberty, peaking between ages 16 and 25. This correlates with increased criminal behavior during this period, which mirrors the spike in creativity among males. Proper socialization of disagreeable boys is essential to avoid long-term antisocial behavior. The discussion also touches on how personality traits like agreeableness and aggression play out in society, comparing human behavior to that of solitary male predators like bears, where aggressive tendencies must be controlled for social harmony.

🧠 Exploring Opposing Views for Personal Growth

This paragraph advises individuals to seek out and learn from those with opposing views, as this helps broaden one’s perspective. For example, introverts can benefit from observing extroverts, and disagreeable people can practice kindness by doing something for others daily. The concept of dormant traits being activated through deliberate effort is introduced, highlighting the potential for personal development across various personality traits with discipline and dedication. Finding a balance between temperament and skill-building is key to well-rounded personal growth.

👥 Balancing Temperament in Relationships and Personal Development

The final paragraph discusses the importance of understanding one's temperament and how it affects relationships. Couples with vastly different temperamental traits, such as introversion versus extroversion or high versus low conscientiousness, may face challenges. Finding a partner with similar traits can help avoid conflicts, but having some differences can bring diverse perspectives. It also emphasizes the need for self-awareness and development of complementary traits, such as an introvert learning to speak up or a highly conscientious person learning to relax.

Keywords

💡Agreeableness

Agreeableness refers to a personality trait characterized by a desire to help others, avoid conflict, and create harmony. In the video, agreeable people are described as more concerned with others’ well-being than their own, making them prone to self-neglect and exploitation. For example, agreeable individuals might struggle to assert their own desires and needs, which can hinder them in forging a career.

💡Disagreeableness

Disagreeableness is the tendency to prioritize one’s own interests, often at the expense of others. Disagreeable people are more assertive and less concerned with pleasing others. The video contrasts this trait with agreeableness, noting that disagreeable individuals are more likely to succeed in competitive environments but may also come across as selfish or domineering. Their low agreeableness is linked to higher rates of imprisonment and criminality.

💡Assertiveness Training

Assertiveness training is a form of therapy designed to help overly agreeable individuals learn how to assert their needs and desires. The video mentions this as a common form of psychotherapy for agreeable people, teaching them to negotiate on their own behalf and express their true thoughts, even if they may be perceived as harsh.

💡Socialization

Socialization is the process by which individuals learn to behave in a way that is acceptable to society. The video emphasizes the importance of socializing children by the age of four, noting that if a child is not properly socialized, they may face rejection from peers and struggle to integrate into social groups, potentially leading to long-term issues like aggression or anti-social behavior.

💡Conflict Avoidance

Conflict avoidance is the tendency to steer clear of disagreements or confrontations. The video highlights how highly agreeable people, particularly those prone to conflict avoidance, may struggle to address important issues. This short-term strategy of keeping peace can lead to long-term problems as unresolved conflicts accumulate.

💡Predatory Aggression

Predatory aggression refers to a more calculated, self-serving form of aggression, which is contrasted with maternal sympathy in the video. This concept is linked to low agreeableness, especially in males, and the aggressive tendencies that increase during puberty. The video explains how this trait aligns with dominance and is observable in predatory animals like bears, where the male has no role in caring for the offspring.

💡Maternal Sympathy

Maternal sympathy represents a nurturing, caring attitude often associated with higher agreeableness. In the video, this trait is seen as the opposite of predatory aggression, suggesting that those wired for maternal sympathy are more focused on others' needs. This is linked to the evolutionary role of women in caring for children and maintaining peace around infants.

💡Personality Extremes

Personality extremes refer to individuals who exhibit unusually high or low levels of particular traits, such as agreeableness. The video notes that while average levels of agreeableness between men and women may not differ greatly, the extremes do. For instance, the most agreeable people are often women, while the most disagreeable are men. These extremes have significant social implications, including their role in criminal behavior.

💡Temperament

Temperament is an individual's innate personality, which shapes their behavior and reactions to the world. The video suggests that people should choose careers and partners that align with their temperament, but also work on developing skills in areas where they are less naturally inclined. For example, introverts should practice social skills, while extroverts should learn to listen more.

💡Creativity and Criminality Curve

The creativity and criminality curve refers to the observation that men’s creativity and criminality both peak between the ages of 16 and 25. The video notes that this pattern is driven by increased testosterone levels during this period, which raise both aggression and dominance, leading to more risk-taking behaviors. This curve is seen as significant in understanding the development of young men and their potential for both positive and negative societal contributions.

Highlights

Disagreeable people know what they want and how to get it, while agreeable people often struggle with identifying their own desires.

Agreeable people are accustomed to making others comfortable, which can hinder their ability to assert their own needs, especially in career development.

Men and women are not significantly different in agreeableness on average, but at the extremes, men tend to be more disagreeable and women more agreeable.

The most agreeable people are often women, while the most disagreeable tend to be men.

Transcripts

If you ask a disagreeable person what he wants, say,

or she wants, they'll tell you right away. They know. It's like "This is what I want

and this is how I'm gonna get it."

But agreeable people, specially if they're really agreeable, are so agreeable,

that they often don't even know what they want.

Cause they're so accustomed to living for other people, and to finding out

what other people want, and to trying to make them comfortable, and so forth, that is harder

for them to find a sense of their own desires as they move through life.

And that's not-

Look, there's situations where that's advantageous,

but it's certainly not advantageous if you're going to try to

forge yourself a career.

That just doesn't work at all.

And so, even though,

on average men and women don't- this- don't-

aren't that much different in terms of their levels of agreeableness by the group,

if you go out and you look at the extremes, they are very different.

So all of the most agreeable people are women, and all of the most

disagreeable people are men.

And the thing is the extremes

are often what matter, rather than what's in the middle.

And so one of the ways that's reflected in society, by the way, is

there's way more men in prisson

and the best personality predictor of being imprissoned

is to be low in agreeableness. It makes you callous.

Now you may think "Well, what's the opposite of compassion and politeness?"

And the answer to that is,

I think it's best sort of conceptualized as a-

as a trading game.

So let's say that

we're going to play repeated trading games. And if you're

very agreeable, then you're gonna bargain

harder on my behalf, than you're gonna bargain on your own behalf.

Whereas if you're disagreable, you're gonna do the reverse. You're gonna think

"I'm in this trading game for me, and you're gonna take care

of your own interest." Where an agreeable person is gonna say "No, no.

At best, this is-

At worst this has to be 50/50, but I'd like to help you every way I can."

One of the things you have to be carefull of if you're agreeable,

is not to be exploited.

Because you'll line up to be exploited.

And I think the reason for that is because

you're wired to be exploited by infants.

And so, that just doesn't work too well in the actual world.

And one of the things, one of the things that happens very often in psychotherapy

you know, people come to psychotherapy for multiple reasons,

but one of them is they often come because they're too agreeable.

And so what they get is so called 'Assertiveness Training'.

Although it's not exactly assertiveness that's being trained.

What it is is the ability to learn how to negotiate on your own behalf.

And one of the things I tell agreeable people, specially if they´re conscientious, is

Say what you think, tell the truth about what you think.

There's gonna be things you think that you think are nasty and harsh.

And they probably are nasty and harsh, but they're also probably true.

And you need to bring those up to the forefront and deliver the message.

And it's not straight-forward at all because agreeable people

do not like conflict. Not at all.

They smooth the water.

You know when you can see, you can see why that is,

in accordance with a hypothesis that I've been putting forward.

You don't want conflict around infants.

It's too damn dangerous. You don't want fights to break out.

You don't want anything to disturb the relative peace.

You know, and if you're also more prone to being hurt, physically, and perhaps emotionally,

you're also maybe loath to engage in the kind of high intensity conflict, that would solve problems

in the short term, because a lot of conflict-

It takes a lot of conflict to solve problems in the short term.

And, you know, if that can spirale up

to where is dangerous, which it can if it gets uncontrolled, it may be safer

in the short term to keep the water smooth, and to not

dive into those situations where conflict emerges.

The problem with that is it's not a very good medium-to-long-term strategy, right?

'Cause there's a lot of times there are things you have to talk about.

Because they're not gonna go away.

And the advantage to having a well-socialized disagreeable person is that

they really don't let much get in their way.

So if you can get a kid who's disagreeable socialized,

that person can be quite, quite a creature, you know? Because they're very-

They're very forward-moving in their nature and very difficult to stop.

But if you don't get them successfully

domesticated, tamed, roughly speaking,

by the time they're four, their parents reject them.

And that's a big problem because

your job as a parent is to make your child socially desirable by the age of four.

You've gotta- You wanna burn that into your brain

because people don't know that. That's your job.

And here's, here's why, it's easy, if you think about it carefully.

So imagine you've got a three-year-old child

so sort of half way through that initial period of socialization.

And you take that child out in public.

Ok, what do you want for the child?

Who cares about you? What do you want for the child?

You want the child to be able to interact with other children

and adults, so that the children are welcoming and smile and want to play with him or her

and so the adults are happy to see the child and treat him or her properly.

And if your child's a horrible little monster because you're afraid of disciplining them,

or you don't know how to do that properly,

then what they're gonna do?

They're going to experience nothing but rejection from other children,

and false smiles from other parents and adults.

And that's so then you're throwing the child out into a world where

every single face that they see,

is either hostile or lying.

And that's not something that's going to be particularly conducive

to the mental health or the well-being of your child.

If your child can learn a couple of simple rules of behavior

like "Don't interrupt adults when they're talking too much"

and "Pay attention" and "Try not to hit the other kids over the head with a truck any more

than it's absolutely necessary"

then- and, you know, and "Share" and "Play properly".

Then, when they meet other kids, the kids are gonna try out a few little play routines on them

and that's gonna go well and then they're gonna go off and socialize each other for the rest of their lives.

Because that's what happens.

It's that from four years old onwards.

The primary socialization with children takes place among other children.

And so if the kids don´t get in on that early, they don't move into that

developmental spiral upwards, and they're left behind.

And you can imagine how terrible that is, because

a four-year-old would not play with another four-year-old who's two.

But a five-year-old certainly will not play with a five-year-old who's two, right?

'Cause the gap is just starting to get unbelievably large.

And so the kids start out behind

and then the peers leave them behind,

and then those kids are alienated and outside the peer group for the rest of their life.

Those are the ones that grow up to be long-term anti-social, right.

They're already aggressive. It doesn't deep down.

Now, what happens to normal boys, roughly speaking?

Imagine that aggressive two-year-old types get socialized,

so their level of aggression goes down.

And then they hit puberty and testosterone kicks in and bang!

Levels of aggression go back up.

And so that's why males are criminals between the ages, roughly, of 16 and about 25.

So, when it matches the creativity curve, by the way, it's so cool.

If you look at the spike of creativity among men 16 to 25, and it starts to go down.

Criminality matches that absolutely perfectly.

That's quite cool.

So and part of- So,

the testosterone levels raise the average level of aggression among men.

It's more dominance than aggression, actually

and testosterone is, by no means, all bad.

And then starts to decrease about age 25 or 26, which is usually when men

stop staying up late at night,

stop drinking as much,

develop a full-time career, and take on

burdens and responsibilities and opportunities

that are associated with a long-term partner and family.

And so-

Well, so that's the development of

what I would call predatory aggression.

Because I also think that the agreeableness distribution

is probably something like predatory aggression

versus maternal sympathy. It's something like that.

So, if you look at other mammals, that are predators,

'cause we're predators, as well as prey animals.

If you look at other animals like bears,

the male bear has absolutely nothing to do with the raising of the infants.

In fact, the female bears would keep the male the hell away

because he's likely to kill the infants and maybe even to eat them.

So there's no maternality at all

in solitary male

mammalian predators.

It's really useful to investigate the viewpoints

of people who have opposing views to yours.

Because they'll tell you things- Not only will they tell you things you don't know,

they'll also tell you how to see the world in ways that you don't see it.

And they'll also have skills that you don't have, that you could develop.

So, for example, if you're an introverted person, it's very useful

to watch an extroverted person, because the extroverted person

has ways of being in the social world that aren't natural to you,

that you can use as- to improve your tool kit.

And if you're disagreeable, one of the best things to do with disagreeable people,

specially if that's alienating them from other people, for example, because it can, you know?

People treat you like you're a selfish, arrogant, son of a- maybe that's because you are.

It's like- Ok, so what do you do about that?

One of the most

promising

treatments -let's say for that-, is get the person to do something for someone else once a day,

just as a practice, and learn how to do it.

Maybe you can wake the circuit up, you know?

If you think that it's lying dormant in you, which is probably right.

You know, I think we have a very wide range of propensities within us.

Some are switched on:

genetic propensities.

Some are switched on. But I think that if you put yourself in the right situation

or walk yourself through the right exercises, you can switch some of these other things on as well.

But it takes work, and dedication and discipline, too.

I would say generally speaking, if you want to adapt yourself properly to life,

you should find a niche in the environment that corresponds with your temperament, right.

You shouldn't work at cross-purposes to your temperament,

because it's just too damn difficult.

But having done that, then you should work on

developing the skills and viewpoints

that exist in the space opposite to your personality.

Because that's where you're fundamentally underdeveloped.

Now, well, I think you can extend out your temperamental capability

across a wider range.

And to me that's roughly equivalent as bringing a richer tool kit to each situation.

You know, so if you're hyper-extroverted, you should probably learn to shut up in parties now and then

and listen just to see what's going on, to see if you can manage it, you know?

And if you're introverted, well,

then you should learn how to speak in public, and to learn

how to go to parties without hiding in the corner

and saying nothing to anyone, you know?

And if you're agreeable, then you need to learn how to be disagreeable, so people can't push you around.

And if you're disagreeable, you need to learn how to be agreeable, so you're not an evil son of a b-

So, and the same thing applies even in the conscientious domain

It's like if you're too conscientious

you need to learn to relax and let go a little bit.

And if you're unconscientious it's time like

get out the Google Calendar, man, and start scheduling your day, right?

And beat yourself on the back of the head with a stick until you're disciplined enough

so that you can actually stick to something for some length of time.

And not living in absolute squalor,

which is something that would characterize someone who's very disorderly,

for example, 'cause they just, they don't notice.

It doesn't bother them, disorder. It's like-

Maybe they can see it, but it doesn't have any emotional valance.

so it doesn't have any motivational significance.

Now, so, the other thing you might wanna think about too if you're choosing a partner is

try not to choose someone who's too distant from you

on the temperamental variables.

Because you're gonna have a hard time bridging the gap, you know?

It's hard for an introverted person and an extroverted person to coexist.

And it's really hard for an orderly person and a disorderly person to coexist

'cause they will drive each other nuts.

"Why don't you pick up?" "Why are you so obsessed by it?"

That's the basic argument, you know?

So, it's useful to know about your temperament so that you

can negotiate a space with your partner, and the other way as well.

And I don't think you should try to find someone who's exactly the same as you.

Because then you don't have the benefits of the alternative viewpoint.

But you gotta watch it, because you may hit irreconcilable differences of various sorts.

And I've seen that most particularly among couples who are

high and low in openness, that's a rough one.

And also high and low in conscientiousness, that's another rough one.

'Cause they just cannot see how the other person sees the world at all.