How To Live a Meaningful Life | Brian S. Lowery | TED

Summary

In this inspiring talk, the speaker reflects on the pursuit of personal achievement and its impact on life's meaningfulness. Despite the thrill of success, a nagging question arises: 'Is this all there is?' Drawing from personal experiences, including the tenure process at Stanford, the speaker delves into the three pillars of a meaningful life: coherence, purpose, and significance. They argue that while personal achievements bring happiness, true meaning is found in contributing to others' stories and transcending self-focus. The speaker encourages embracing a supportive role in others' lives and acknowledges the profound connection between meaning, generosity, and gratitude.

Takeaways

• 🏔 Personal achievements like summiting Everest or creating a successful business can bring excitement and a sense of success, but they may not necessarily lead to a lasting sense of fulfillment.
• 🎓 The speaker's experience as a professor at Stanford, striving for tenure, illustrates the intense focus and subsequent questioning of 'Is this it?' after achieving a significant career goal.
• 🧩 Psychologists suggest that a meaningful life is associated with three key ideas: coherence (a sense of order and predictability), purpose (having clear goals and direction), and significance (feeling that one's actions have lasting impact).
• 🌟 Personal achievement can provide a temporary sense of coherence by fitting into a structured framework, but it often lacks the depth of purpose and significance that contribute to a meaningful life.
• 🚀 The pursuit of personal achievement is driven by a clear purpose, which can be powerful but should not be mistaken for the deeper meaning that comes from contributing to something beyond oneself.
• 🌐 Significance, the feeling of transcending oneself and mattering into the future, is where personal achievement often falls short, as it is inherently self-focused.
• 🖌 Leonardo da Vinci's purported reflection on his deathbed highlights the potential insufficiency of even the most glorious personal achievements when it comes to a sense of meaning.
• 🤝 Meaningful relationships and being part of a larger story, such as mentoring PhD students, can provide a deeper sense of meaning than individual accomplishments.
• 🌱 The pursuit of meaning may not always align with the pursuit of happiness, as meaning is often found in contributing to others' lives, which can be challenging and not always return immediate happiness.
• 🌟 The human need for meaning is profound, connecting us in a circle of generosity and gratitude, as we participate in each other's stories and allow others to participate in ours.

Q & A

What is the main theme of the speaker's message?

The main theme of the speaker's message is the pursuit of meaning in life and how personal achievements, while important, often fall short in providing a deep sense of fulfillment. The speaker emphasizes that true meaning comes from participating in others' stories and making a positive impact on their lives.

Why does the speaker believe that personal achievement can feel insufficient?

The speaker believes personal achievement can feel insufficient because it is often self-focused and lacks the ability to provide a lasting sense of significance. Achievements can give a temporary sense of success, but they may not fulfill the deeper need for meaning that comes from contributing to others' lives.

What are the three big ideas associated with meaningfulness in life, according to the speaker?

The three big ideas associated with meaningfulness in life are coherence, purpose, and significance. Coherence is about the world feeling predictable and understandable. Purpose involves having goals that direct one's actions. Significance is the sense that one can transcend oneself and make a lasting impact beyond the self.

How does the speaker define 'significance' in the context of meaningfulness?

The speaker defines 'significance' as the sense that one can transcend oneself and continue to matter into the future. It involves contributing to something greater than oneself, often through relationships and helping others, which gives life a deeper meaning beyond personal achievements.

What example does the speaker use to illustrate the concept of meaningfulness in life?

The speaker uses the example of his relationship with his first PhD student, Miguel Unzueta, to illustrate meaningfulness. The process of mentoring and supporting Miguel's journey provided the speaker with a sense of meaning, as it involved being a part of a story that was not his own and contributing to someone else's success.

Why does the speaker mention the quote attributed to Leonardo da Vinci, and what point is being made?

The speaker mentions the quote attributed to Leonardo da Vinci to illustrate that even the most glorious personal achievements may leave one questioning if they are enough. The point is to highlight that personal achievements, while valuable, may not fully satisfy the human need for deeper meaning.

What is the speaker's perspective on the relationship between happiness and meaningfulness?

The speaker suggests that happiness and meaningfulness are not the same. Personal achievement can provide temporary happiness, but it may not lead to lasting meaning. Meaningfulness often involves discomfort and effort, as it is more about contributing to others and may not always result in immediate happiness.

What advice does the speaker give for finding more meaning in life?

The speaker advises looking for opportunities to participate in others' stories and playing a supporting role in their lives. Additionally, the speaker encourages accepting that the pursuit of meaning may not generate happiness and might involve discomfort, as it requires selflessness and effort on behalf of others.

How does the speaker connect the pursuit of meaning with gratitude and generosity?

The speaker connects the pursuit of meaning with gratitude and generosity by explaining that meaningfulness arises when someone allows you to participate in a story that is not your own. This creates a circle of generosity and gratitude, where contributing to others' lives brings meaning, and those who benefit are grateful for the impact made on their stories.

What does the speaker mean by 'main character energy' and 'supporting actor energy,' and how do they relate to meaningfulness?

The speaker uses 'main character energy' to describe a focus on oneself and personal achievements, whereas 'supporting actor energy' refers to playing a role in others' stories and contributing to their lives. The speaker suggests that while main character energy is common and can feel good, adopting a supporting actor energy can lead to a deeper sense of meaningfulness.

Outlines

00:00

🎢 The Journey of Personal Achievement and Its Limits

This paragraph starts with a reflection on how amazing life can be, particularly the joy and excitement of personal achievement. The narrator describes various potential accomplishments, such as climbing Everest or giving a TED Talk, and how success can be exhilarating. However, as the initial thrill fades, a deeper question arises: 'Is this all there is?' The narrator shares a personal story about their academic journey, from the excitement of getting a professorship at Stanford to the pressure of securing tenure. Despite achieving tenure after seven years of hard work and dedication, the narrator still feels unfulfilled, questioning the ultimate meaning of personal success.

05:00

🔍 The Search for Meaning Beyond Achievement

Here, the narrator delves into the concept of significance in life, explaining that personal achievement alone may not lead to a meaningful existence. They reference a famous quote attributed to Leonardo da Vinci to illustrate the idea that even great accomplishments can feel insufficient. Reflecting on their time mentoring a PhD student named Miguel Unzueta, the narrator realizes that the most meaningful moments of their career weren't about personal achievements but about helping others succeed. The student’s success as a professor becomes a testament to how relationships and contributing to others' stories can provide deeper fulfillment.

10:00

🌟 The Power of Supporting Roles in Life

This paragraph emphasizes the difference between personal achievement and meaningfulness. The narrator encourages the audience to seek meaning by playing supporting roles in other people's stories. They highlight that the pursuit of meaning might not bring happiness and can even be uncomfortable, as it involves giving to others without expecting personal reward. The narrator explains that while personal achievement is often quantifiable and provides a sense of happiness, meaning comes from the deeper connections we make and the ways we impact others. In this way, meaning connects us in a circle of generosity and gratitude, creating lasting significance.

Keywords

💡Achievement

Achievement refers to the accomplishment of a goal or the completion of something with effort and skill. In the video, the speaker discusses personal achievements such as summiting Everest or creating a successful business, which often bring a flush of excitement and a sense of accomplishment. However, the speaker also points out that these achievements can be fleeting and may not provide lasting meaning, suggesting that while they are significant, they are not the sole source of a meaningful life.

💡Meaningfulness

Meaningfulness in life is the sense that one's life has significance, purpose, and makes a difference. The video emphasizes that meaningfulness is more than just personal success; it involves coherence, purpose, and significance. The speaker reflects on their own life and career, noting that despite achieving tenure at Stanford, they still questioned if that was 'all there is,' indicating a deeper search for meaningfulness beyond personal accolades.

💡Coherence

Coherence in the context of the video refers to the logical and understandable order of events or experiences that make the world feel knowable and predictable. The speaker uses the example of daily routines and the framework of achieving tenure to illustrate how coherence provides a sense of structure and understanding, which is one of the elements that contribute to a feeling of meaningfulness in life.

💡Purpose

Purpose is defined as a sense of direction or aim in life, often associated with setting and working towards goals. The speaker distinguishes purpose from the broader concept of meaning, suggesting that while purpose gives clarity and direction to one's actions, it is not the same as the overarching meaningfulness of one's life. The speaker's own drive for tenure exemplifies a clear purpose that guided their actions and decisions.

💡Significance

Significance in the video is the feeling that one's actions and existence have lasting importance and impact beyond the self. The speaker argues that personal achievement, which is often self-focused, may not provide a sense of significance. Instead, the speaker suggests that being part of a larger story or contributing to the lives of others can offer a deeper sense of significance.

💡Tenure

Tenure in academia refers to a job appointment that is essentially for life, granted after a period of review, typically seven years. In the video, the speaker's experience with the tenure process at Stanford is used as a metaphor for the high-stakes pursuit of personal achievement. The speaker's reflection on tenure highlights the intense pressure and the subsequent questioning of whether the achievement of tenure truly brings a sense of fulfillment.

💡Personal Achievement

Personal achievement is the accomplishment of goals or tasks that are significant to an individual. The video discusses how personal achievements, while exhilarating and worthy of celebration, can be hollow when they are the sole focus of one's life. The speaker contrasts the pursuit of personal achievement with the pursuit of meaningfulness, suggesting that the latter involves a broader perspective that includes contributing to the lives of others.

💡Gratitude

Gratitude is the quality of being thankful and appreciative. In the video, the speaker expresses gratitude for being allowed to participate in the stories of others, particularly through their relationship with their PhD student, Miguel. This gratitude is tied to the concept of meaningfulness, as it reflects the speaker's recognition of the value of their contribution to others' lives.

💡Generosity

Generosity is the act of giving freely, often without expecting anything in return. The video connects the concept of generosity with the pursuit of meaning, suggesting that allowing others to participate in one's own life is an act of generosity that can provide meaning for both parties. The speaker's relationship with Miguel is highlighted as an example of how generosity in mentorship can lead to a profound sense of meaningfulness.

💡Brilliance

Brilliance in the video is used metaphorically to describe the light or illumination that individuals bring to the world through their interactions and contributions to others. The speaker encourages the audience to embrace their brilliance not just for personal gain but to illuminate others, suggesting that this act of sharing one's light is a way to bring about a collective brightness and to find meaning in one's own life.

💡Legacy

Legacy in the video refers to the lasting impact or influence one has on the world after they are gone. The speaker suggests that personal achievements may fade, but the role one plays in other people's stories and the impact one has on their lives will remain as part of their legacy. This concept is tied to the theme of meaningfulness, as it emphasizes the importance of contributing to the lives of others as a way to create a lasting and meaningful legacy.

Highlights

Life is full of amazing experiences and personal achievements, such as summiting Everest or creating a successful business.

Success brings excitement and celebration, but it can fade, leading to existential questions.

The speaker shares a personal story about achieving tenure at Stanford and the subsequent search for deeper meaning.

Psychologists define meaningfulness in life as a sense that our lives matter and make sense.

Coherence, or the predictability and order of the world, is the first big idea associated with meaningfulness.

Personal achievement can sometimes create a sense of coherence within a framework of expectations.

Purpose, or having clear goals and direction in life, is the second big idea for meaningfulness.

Significance, the feeling of transcending oneself and mattering into the future, is the third and often most important idea.

Personal achievement, while rewarding, can fall short in providing a sense of significance.

Leonardo da Vinci's reported last words illustrate the quest for more than personal glory.

The speaker reflects on the meaningfulness derived from mentoring PhD students, like Miguel Unzueta.

Miguel's journey from a low-income background to becoming a professor at UCLA is a testament to the impact of mentorship.

Relationships and being part of a larger story provide a deeper sense of meaning than personal achievements alone.

The pursuit of meaning may not always align with the pursuit of happiness, as it can involve discomfort and selflessness.

Meaning is often found in supporting roles in other people's lives, not just in being the main character.

The human need for meaning is profound, connecting us through generosity and gratitude.

The speaker expresses gratitude for being allowed to participate in the audience's stories, highlighting the mutual nature of meaning.

The conference theme 'The Brave and the Brilliant' is reimagined to include the bravery of accepting the impact we have on others as more significant than personal achievements.

The lasting legacy of an individual is the role they played in other people's stories, which is a source of profound beauty and meaning.

Transcripts

Life is amazing. Life is incredible.

The experiences we have, the possibilities of personal achievement.

You could summit Everest.

You could create a huge, successful business.

You could give a TED Talk.

And when you're successful, it feels incredible.

Success, the flush of excitement, the celebration.

And you should celebrate.

The congratulations, the posting on Instagram

or wherever you put your stuff up.

It all feels great.

But when that fades, when that starts to fade,

sometimes slowly, sometimes all at once,

a question comes up: "Is this it? Is this all there is?"

And so I'm going to tell you a little story about myself,

to give you a sense of this.

For those of you who don't know, I'm a professor at Stanford.

When I got my job, I was elated, elated,

and a little bit terrified.

And I was terrified because when you get a job like that,

you know you’re going to be reviewed in about seven years.

And either you’re going to get tenure, more or less a job for life,

or you're going to get fired.

(Laughs)

It's a little bit like that movie "Glengarry Glen Ross,"

the scene where Alec Baldwin's character goes in to give the motivational speech,

and he says, "It's going to be a competition.

First prize, Cadillac Eldorado.

Second prize, set of steak knives.

Third prize, you're fired."

It's a little bit like that, except there's no second prize.

(Laughter)

And it turns out, as you might imagine, that has a way of focusing your mind.

Right? So I was really, really focused on doing good research,

getting my papers published, doing well in the classroom

and all the other little things you need to do to get tenure.

And seven years later, I made it.

(Applause)

Thank you.

(Applause)

And it was a huge relief, and I was so excited.

I was so excited.

But that question came up, is this it?

Is this is this really all? All there is?

And I reflected back,

and I thought about the time I spent in undergrad ...

five years in grad school, the tears.

And there were a lot of tears.

The seven years of trying to get tenure.

And I had expected, I had hoped

that when I made it past that, when I succeeded,

when I went through that threshold, life would feel different.

I would feel fulfilled.

It would feel meaningful to me.

My life would feel meaningful.

But it turns out that wasn't what happened.

Now when psychologists talk about meaningfulness in life,

what they're talking about is a sense that our lives matter,

that the world makes sense,

that we are more than the sum of our minutes,

days and years on this planet.

The research on meaningfulness in life

suggests there are three big ideas associated with meaningfulness in life.

The first big idea is coherence.

The world needs to feel coherent.

After winter comes spring.

After spring comes summer.

You get up in the morning,

brush your teeth, have breakfast,

get the kids off to school, go to work.

Those little routines make the world feel knowable,

predictable, coherent.

Now when you think about personal achievement,

it does create, sometimes, this experience of coherence,

because we achieve within a framework.

I understood what they expected of me for tenure.

I understood that if I got my papers published,

I did well in the classroom,

talked to the right people, did all the networking,

there was a good chance I'd get tenure.

If you're trying to lose weight, you understand

if you change your diet, you exercise, the weight will come off.

Or at least we hope so.

(Laughs)

Now those things,

that framework gives the world a sense of coherence.

Second big idea associated with meaningfulness in life:

purpose.

Now, sometimes, people use the term purpose as a synonym

for meaning in life.

And that's not how I mean it here.

Purpose is a way of thinking about what your life can be and should be

in the future.

It's a way of directing your actions.

It gives you goals.

When you get up in the morning, you know what you need to do.

Here's where the drive for personal achievement is strongest.

It's clearest.

When I was worried about tenure,

I knew exactly what I needed to do when I got up in the morning.

When you have a goal, when you're trying to achieve something,

you have a clarity about what you should do, how to direct your behavior.

So that's the second big idea, it's purpose.

Now the third big idea,

by many considered to be the most important,

is significance.

And the way I like to think about significance

is the sense that you can transcend yourself,

that you are more than what you are right now,

that you will continue to matter into the future,

beyond this moment.

This is where I think personal achievement falls short.

By definition, personal achievement focuses on you, to focus on the self.

And if that's all there is, it's difficult to have significance.

OK.

So now I want to think about meaningfulness in life

and significance in particular.

It brings to mind a quote attributed to Leonardo da Vinci.

Some of you might know it.

So Leonardo da Vinci was purported to have said, on his deathbed ...

"I have offended God and mankind,

because my work did not achieve the quality it should have."

Now I wasn’t there, so I don’t know if he said that exactly in that way.

But here’s the thing:

you can imagine it, you understand it.

You understand what it means to have even the most glorious achievements

and still ask, is this enough?

Is this it? Is this all I add up to?

When I look back and think about my time early on in my career,

I think about when did it feel meaningful.

What gave me a sense of meaning?

What I think about were my PhD students.

So one of the things that faculty do is train the next generation of faculty.

And so you have PhD students for a significant amount of time,

often could be five to six years.

And the relationships are pretty intense.

So let me tell you about my first student, Miguel Unzueta.

So Miguel was born in El Paso, Texas, in a relatively low-income area.

Really smart kid. Does well in school,

ends up at the University of Texas at Austin,

which is a great university.

Does well there, eventually ends up in the PhD program at Stanford.

So Miguel gets there the year before I do.

And by his own account, he's having a tough time.

It's a little rough,

in part because he doesn't have the cultural capital

that many people that go places like Stanford have.

He doesn't understand how the place works, so he's struggling a little bit.

Now when I arrive, I’m really impressed, because he’s so smart, he’s ambitious,

and he's asking questions and interested in things that I'm interested in.

So I'm really excited to work with him.

And so we started to work together and again, it's really intense.

I'm working with him for four years.

We see each other almost every day for those four years.

And some days, we're working together 10 to 12 hours a day.

So it's a very intense experience.

And what I remember about that time

was that I was really worried about doing enough

to make sure he would be successful.

I was concerned, "Am I being a good advisor?

Am I giving him what he needs?

Am I helping him in his story?"

Now keep in mind I want to get tenure.

I still think I'm going to get fired.

So even with that fear,

I'm worried about what do I need to do

to make sure Miguel can continue in his story and his journey.

And by the way, he did. He's been great. He got a job.

He's been a professor now for over 15 years at UCLA.

He's had serious leadership roles at his university,

and I'm incredibly proud that I got a chance to be a little part of that.

What do I take from that?

I take from that is that relationships are what provide us meaning.

And my guess is you already knew that.

I'm saying something a little bit more than that.

Not just that relationships provide meaning,

but that being a part of a story that is not your own provides meaning.

Being a part of a story that is not your own provides meaning.

So where does this leave us?

One, I think personal achievement is great.

Like, I love my personal achievements.

I'm really happy with my life. I think it's turned out OK.

I wish incredible personal achievements for all of you.

So I think that personal achievement is fantastic.

However, sometimes ...

we replace the deep human need for meaning

with chasing of personal achievement,

and it's a problem when we confuse those two things.

And the reason they get confused,

the reason it's easy to confuse them

is because personal achievement is easy to quantify.

You know if you got that job, if you bought that home,

you know what your salary is.

It's easy to see and it feels comfortable to chase things you understand

and you can achieve.

That's one reason.

The other reason is that personal achievement feels good.

Personal achievement feels good.

We think what we want is happiness,

and personal achievement provides a hit of happiness.

It feels fantastic when you make that achievement.

Getting meaning doesn't necessarily feel that way.

For example, studies find that parents

who spend more time parenting their children

report more meaningfulness in life,

but not necessarily more happiness.

(Laughter)

So these things are not the same.

So if you want more meaning in life, what is there to do?

One, look for opportunities to participate in others' stories.

And it's funny I'm saying this

as I'm standing on this stage in the circle,

but there's a lot of main character energy,

I would argue, in this room right now.

(Laughter)

It's fantastic, I love it.

However, you might try a little supporting actor energy,

if you want meaning.

Play a supporting role in other people’s lives.

That's number one.

Two, accept that the pursuit of meaning

may not generate happiness.

The pursuit of meaning might not generate happiness.

In fact, it might be uncomfortable.

It turns out that meaning is more associated

with the self providing for others than providing for you, for yourself.

And that's sometimes a hard thing to do.

Expending effort, emotional energy

on behalf of something that is not going to return happiness

is not something that we tend to think of as a good use of our time.

But it turns out it does produce meaning.

So let me let me say just a couple more things

One ...

I think the human need and pursuit of meaning

is both beautiful and profound,

because when you have meaning in your life,

that means that someone else gave you the opportunity

to participate in a story that is not your own.

And for the meaning you have in your life, you should feel a deep gratitude

for the people who have allowed you to participate in the story

that it was not your own.

On the other side,

when you allow people to participate in your life,

you're giving them the opportunity to generate meaning.

And so in that way, the deep, deep human need for meaning connects us in a circle,

I think a beautiful and profound circle of generosity and gratitude.

And so right now here, I'm deeply grateful that you all have let me

participate in your stories.

And that's deeply meaningful for me.

Thank you for that.

(Applause)

The theme of this conference is "The Brave and the Brilliant."

I think that one way that we can experience or be brave

is by accepting the fact that our personal achievements, what we're capable of,

the things that we've done,

pale in comparison to the effect we have on other people

and what that does in the world.

(Applause)

And that is, you go through the world with all of your brilliance,

and I mean that in terms of light,

as you go through the world, lighting the world,

when you interact with other people and you illuminate them

and help them shine more brightly,

that's how the world gets illuminated.

That's how we bring up the lights.

And the world, obviously, desperately needs that.

And in return, what you get is meaning,

because when we're gone,

all of the accomplishments will mean nothing.

The only thing that will be left of you when you're gone --

and we all will be gone eventually --

the only thing will be left of you

is the role you played in other people's stories,

what you leave with other people,

how that reverberates through time.

And that is a beautiful thing,

and I wish all of that for you.

Thank you.

(Cheers and applause)