12 (Stoic) Questions That Will Change Your Life

Summary

In this insightful talk, Ryan Holiday shares 12 thought-provoking questions derived from Stoicism and other ancient philosophies that can help guide modern life. He explores the importance of self-awareness, control, ideal day design, purpose, and meaningful action. Through these questions, Holiday encourages reflection on how we spend our time, who we surround ourselves with, and whether our actions align with our values and goals. By focusing on what truly matters, these philosophical practices can shape a more purposeful and fulfilling life.

Takeaways

• 💡 Knowing your values helps you focus on what truly matters and ignore distractions.
• ❓ The right questions at the right time can change the direction of your life.
• 👥 The people you spend time with shape who you are; choose wisely.
• 🎯 Focus on what is within your control and let go of what isn't, as emphasized by Stoic philosophy.
• 📅 A good life is made up of good days; define what an ideal day looks like for you.
• 🏆 Decide whether you want to 'be' important or 'do' important things, and focus on impact over recognition.
• 🤔 Ask yourself what is the most important thing in your life and make sure you're putting it first.
• 🌍 Empathy is key in any creative process; always know who you're making something for.
• 📈 Ensure that each moment counts as 'alive time' rather than 'dead time'; make the most of the present.
• 🧭 Life asks us the question of meaning, and we answer through our actions and choices.

Q & A

What is the significance of knowing what you truly value and where you're going in life?

Knowing what you value and where you're going allows you to focus on what truly matters and ignore distractions that don't contribute to your goals.

Why does the speaker emphasize the importance of asking the right questions?

The speaker believes that the right questions at the right time can change the direction of your life, offering more valuable insights than simply searching for answers.

How does the concept of control relate to Stoic philosophy?

Stoic philosophy emphasizes focusing on what is within your control, such as your actions, thoughts, and opinions, and letting go of what is not, like external events.

What does the question 'What does your ideal day look like?' help you determine?

This question helps you design your life by identifying what an ideal day looks like for you, ensuring your daily actions align with your long-term goals and values.

What is the meaning behind the question 'To be or to do'?

The question 'To be or to do' asks whether you care more about appearing important or actually making an impact. It challenges you to prioritize meaningful accomplishments over seeking recognition.

How does the speaker define the most important thing in life?

The most important thing in life, according to the speaker, is what you truly value, such as relationships or personal integrity, which should take precedence over external success.

Why is it crucial to ask 'Who is this for?' when creating something?

Understanding who your work is for ensures that you create with a clear audience in mind, which helps you meet their needs and connect with them more effectively.

What does it mean to live a 'lifetime' instead of 'dead time'?

Living a 'lifetime' means using every moment productively and meaningfully, while 'dead time' refers to wasting time and being passive, missing opportunities for growth.

How does the question 'Is this who I want to be?' influence personal decisions?

This question encourages you to reflect on whether your actions align with the person you aspire to be, ensuring that your choices are consistent with your values and goals.

What does Viktor Frankl mean by stating that life is asking us the question of meaning?

Viktor Frankl suggests that meaning in life is not predefined but created through our actions and decisions. Life challenges us to find meaning by how we respond to it.

Outlines

00:00

🔍 The Power of Values and Focus

Understanding what you value and where you're headed allows you to concentrate on what truly matters while ignoring distractions. The key to wisdom lies in asking the right questions rather than seeking quick answers, which can shift the direction of your life. Author Ryan Holiday shares insights from Stoic philosophy, emphasizing the importance of asking meaningful questions derived from ancient wisdom to guide modern life.

05:00

👥 The Influence of Relationships

Who you surround yourself with can greatly influence your direction in life. Quoting figures like Gertrude and Seneca, Ryan Holiday urges reflection on whether the people you spend time with elevate you or hold you back. Decisions regarding friendships may be difficult but are essential for personal growth, as relationships either contribute positively, negatively, or keep you stagnant.

10:01

💭 What’s in Your Control?

The Stoic philosopher Epictetus teaches that the key to contentment is distinguishing between what we can control and what we cannot. By focusing on our actions, thoughts, and responses—things within our control—we avoid wasting energy on external factors like the weather or events beyond our influence. This mental shift is essential for living a balanced and focused life.

📅 Defining Your Ideal Day

Your life is shaped by the days you live. Holiday references Seneca and author Annie Dillard to highlight that knowing what makes up your perfect day—whether it's personal time, family activities, or fulfilling work—helps you design a meaningful life. Without defining an ideal day, you risk being consumed by external ambitions, such as wealth or power, that may not align with your true desires.

🏆 To Be or To Do?

This essential question, inspired by strategist John Boyd, invites self-reflection on whether you're striving for recognition or true impact. Holiday contrasts the pursuit of status with the desire to achieve meaningful results, using examples from history to illustrate the difference. The choice to prioritize genuine accomplishments over personal glory defines whether you're a doer or someone chasing titles.

⚖️ Balancing Self and Others

The duality of self-interest and altruism is explored through a quote by Hillel: 'If I am not for me, who is?' and 'If I am only for me, who am I?' Holiday explains that while it’s important to stand up for yourself, a life focused solely on personal gain is empty. Figures like George Marshall demonstrate the power of selfless leadership, showing that collective efforts often leave the biggest legacy.

😟 Worry vs. Opportunity

Anxiety and fear divert our attention from opportunities. Citing Gavin de Becker’s 'The Gift of Fear,' Holiday warns that excessive worry drains emotional resources, preventing us from seeing possibilities. By treating fear as destructive, we can redirect our focus toward more productive and positive efforts.

🛠️ Are You Doing Your Job?

The importance of knowing and focusing on your responsibilities is highlighted through an anecdote from NFL coach Sean Payton and the mantra 'Do Your Job.' Whether in life or an organization, it’s easy to be distracted by others’ tasks. Holiday emphasizes the need to remain focused on your own role and consistently deliver on it.

🎯 What’s Most Important to You?

If you don’t know what truly matters, you won’t be able to prioritize it. Holiday shares that defining your core values, such as family or personal balance, helps you make clear decisions. Inspired by Seneca’s idea of euthymia—knowing your path and not being distracted by others'—Holiday encourages focusing on what aligns with your values, allowing you to ignore what doesn’t.

🧑‍🤝‍🧑 Who Is This For?

Understanding your audience is crucial for creators and entrepreneurs. Holiday explains that many people create content or products without considering who they are serving. By knowing who your work is for and having empathy, you can tailor your efforts to meet real needs rather than following vague assumptions.

🧐 Does This Matter?

Marcus Aurelius’ principle of asking 'Is this essential?' helps cut through trivial concerns. Holiday explains that many of the things we focus on—whether small frustrations or ego-driven conflicts—don’t matter in the grand scheme of life. Stephen Colbert’s reflections after family tragedy highlight that in moments of clarity, only relationships and doing your best truly matter.

⏳ Live Time vs. Dead Time

The concept of live time versus dead time, as taught by Robert Greene, is about making every moment count. Whether in moments of waiting or uncertainty, such as during the pandemic, Holiday argues for actively using time to grow and improve rather than passively letting it slip by. Seneca’s wisdom reminds us that life isn’t short; we just waste a lot of it.

🙋 Is This Who I Want to Be?

Each action you take reflects on the person you are becoming. Holiday, inspired by Cheryl Strayed, suggests evaluating whether your actions align with your values and long-term goals. Small decisions accumulate, and consistently choosing behaviors that reflect your best self is key to personal growth and integrity.

📖 Life is Asking You Questions

Inspired by Viktor Frankl’s work, Holiday concludes with the idea that life itself asks us the question of meaning, and it’s our actions that provide the answer. By consistently making choices that align with our values and aspirations, we create a meaningful existence, one question and one answer at a time.

Keywords

💡Stoicism

Stoicism is an ancient Greek philosophy that focuses on the development of self-control and fortitude as a means to overcome destructive emotions. In the video, Ryan Holiday discusses how Stoic principles can be applied to modern life, emphasizing the importance of focusing on what is within one's control and developing resilience against external circumstances. The script references Stoic practices as a way to navigate life's challenges and achieve a sense of inner peace and purpose.

💡Control

Control, in the context of the video, refers to the distinction between what is within an individual's power to influence and what is not. The script uses the teachings of Epictetus to highlight the importance of focusing on actions, thoughts, and opinions that one can control, rather than wasting energy on external factors like the weather. This concept is central to Stoic philosophy and is used to encourage viewers to direct their efforts towards areas where they can effect change.

💡Ideal Day

The 'Ideal Day' is a concept introduced by Seneca and elaborated upon in the script as a way to design one's life around a vision of a perfect day. It serves as a tool for self-reflection and goal-setting, helping individuals align their daily activities with their long-term aspirations. The video encourages viewers to define what an ideal day looks like for them and to use this as a guide to make daily decisions that move them closer to their desired life.

💡To Be or To Do

This phrase is used to contrast the pursuit of personal recognition and status ('to be') with the pursuit of accomplishing meaningful tasks and making a difference ('to do'). The video script suggests that focusing on 'to do' leads to more substantial and fulfilling outcomes. It is illustrated through the example of George Marshall, who prioritized team effort and meaningful contributions over personal accolades.

💡Fear

Fear, as discussed in the video, is presented as a cognitive resource that can be misallocated. The script references Gavin de Becker's 'The Gift of Fear' and suggests that worry and fear can distract from what truly matters. It encourages viewers to question what they might be missing or avoiding by choosing to worry, and to redirect their focus towards more productive thoughts and actions.

💡Doing Your Job

The concept of 'Doing Your Job' is emphasized as a fundamental responsibility in any role, whether small or significant. The video uses the example of Sean Payton's suspension from the NFL and his reminder to 'do your job' to illustrate the importance of focusing on one's own responsibilities rather than being distracted by the tasks of others. This concept is used to encourage personal accountability and productivity.

💡Values

Values are the principles or standards that guide an individual's behavior and decision-making. In the script, Ryan Holiday stresses the importance of identifying and prioritizing one's values to ensure that actions align with what is truly important. The video challenges viewers to determine what matters most to them and to use this understanding to filter out distractions and make meaningful choices.

💡Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. The video script discusses the importance of empathy, particularly in the context of creation and communication. It suggests that understanding one's audience—whether in business, art, or personal relationships—is crucial for effective interaction and connection. Empathy is presented as a tool for resonating with others and creating meaningful impact.

💡Euthymia

Euthymia, a term introduced by Seneca, refers to a state of calm and steady happiness, free from emotional disturbance. The video script uses this concept to encourage viewers to maintain focus on their path and not be swayed by the distractions or crises that may cross it. Euthymia is presented as an ideal state of mind to achieve by understanding and prioritizing one's values and goals.

💡Meaning

Meaning, in the context of the video, is not something that is discovered but rather created through actions and decisions. The script references Viktor Frankl's 'Man's Search for Meaning' and his perspective that life asks each individual a question, and it is up to them to provide the answer through their choices and character. The video encourages viewers to reflect on the meaning they are creating in their own lives and to strive for actions that align with their values and aspirations.

Highlights

Knowing your values and where you're going helps focus on what matters and ignore distractions.

The right question at the right time can change the direction of your life.

Who you spend time with shapes who you become; choose people who make you better.

Focus on what is in your control, as Epictetus emphasized, and ignore what you can't change.

Life is made up of days, and how you spend them reflects the kind of life you're building.

Clarifying what your ideal day looks like helps you align your life with what matters most to you.

To be or to do: Are you seeking status or making an impact? Focus on meaningful actions over recognition.

Balancing self-interest with the greater good leads to a meaningful and impactful life.

Worrying distracts from what truly matters. Shift focus to what is essential.

Always ask yourself if you are doing your job, not just focusing on others' tasks.

Knowing what is most important to you helps ensure you're putting your energy in the right places.

Understanding who you're creating for is key to delivering meaningful work.

Ask if something truly matters in the grand scheme of things—focus on the essential.

Live time vs. dead time: Every moment is an opportunity to grow or stagnate—choose to make it count.

Your actions define the person you're becoming—ask if what you're doing aligns with who you want to be.

Transcripts

what do you actually value when you know

it's important and you know what you

value and know where you're going it

makes it easy for you to ignore what

doesn't matter and focus on what does

matter

[Music]

i think we often look for answers when

really it's the questions that teach us

the most i know that the right question

at the right time can totally change the

direction of your life i'm ryan holiday

i've been writing about stoicism now for

more than a decade and a half i've

talked to everyone from the nba to the

nfl special forces to sitting senators

and we talk about how these ancient

ideas these philosophical practices can

help us in the course of modern life and

today i wanted to give you 12 questions

that i think about all the time derived

from the stoics and otherwise people

from the past that will help you whoever

you are whatever you're doing in your

life

who are you spending time with gertrude

says

show me who you spend time with and i

will tell you who you are right seneca

talks about spending time with people

who make you a better person my dad said

to me as a kid you become like your

friends well the question is are you

spending time with people who are

averaging you towards where you want to

go are they averaging you away

from where you want to go this is a

question that can lead to some hard

decisions people that you're going to

spend less time with who are you seeing

after work who are you reading who are

you talking to the people we spend time

with are either going to make us better

they're going to make us worse or

they're going to keep us exactly who we

are which is either a good thing or a

very bad thing

[Music]

is this in my control epictetus says

this is the key

question this is the chief task of the

philosopher in life which is separating

the things that are up to us and the

things that are not up to us and so much

of the time and energy we spend in this

life are on things that are not up to us

that are not in our control it just

started raining i don't need to have an

opinion on the fact that it's raining

because it's not in my control but what

is in my control is what i'm going to do

right what's in our control is our

actions our thoughts our opinions right

and so the stoic learns to tune out

what's not in our control

and it focuses on what is in our control

and so we ask ourselves about everything

we experience everything we're feeling

everything we're working on is this up

to me or am i throwing good energy after

bad am i beating myself against a wall

that's never going to move

[Music]

what does your ideal day look like a

life seneca says is made up of days

annie dillard said how we spend our

lives is of course how we spend our days

right what does an ideal day look like

for you how are you trying to design

your life if you don't know what a good

day is like what your ideal is then

you're just going to be working on

making more money acquiring more fame

getting more power or influence you have

to ask yourself is this getting me

closer or further away from the life

that i want i've talked about how i know

exactly what my ideal day looks like

it's a saturday where i wake up early i

work out i do a little bit of writing i

spend lots of time with my family i have

time to think i haven't signed myself up

for a bunch of pointless obligations or

phone calls or meetings i

spend time outdoors i'm connected i'm

present and so i have to look at each

opportunity then that comes along any

day

and ask myself is it getting me closer

or further away from the kind of life i

want to lead and the kind of person that

i want to be

to be or to do this is a key question

that comes to us from the great

strategist john boyd who as he mentored

young men and women in the pentagon

would see that you kind of can go down

two paths in life there's a person who

wants to look important that wants to

achieve a high rank that wants to be in

the newspapers or on tv and then there's

the person who wants to quietly get

things done

you know i think it was truman who said

it's amazing how much you can accomplish

if you don't care about who gets the

credit to be or to do is is largely

about credit do you care about

accomplishments or do you care about

impact do you care about credit or do

you care about getting things done you

have to ask yourself am i trying to be

an important person am i trying to

accomplish important things and this

question is critical to be or to do how

are you measuring your life

[Music]

hillel said if i am not for me who is

then he said if i am only for me who am

i this i think is related to the idea of

to be or to do what's motivating you is

it external accomplishments

or is it making a difference in this

world yes you have to fight for yourself

you have to stand up for yourself you

get walked all over but if all you care

about is protecting yourself if all you

care about is attention who are you i

think about someone like george marshall

who accomplishes so much and perhaps his

greatest accomplishment is turning down

the command at normandy he didn't want

his personal feelings to be taken into

account again to be or to do but also

who am i for

and who am i yes he fought really hard

to get where he was to make a difference

but then he also knew that ego didn't

matter in the end what mattered is the

team effort there's a great expression i

heard that says if you play for the name

on the front of the jersey they'll

remember the name on the back

what am i missing by choosing to worry

or be afraid one of my favorite books is

the gift of fear by gavin to becker and

he says when you worry ask yourself what

am i choosing not to see right now right

we only have so much in the way of

cognitive resources or time or emotional

uh energy how are you going to spend it

and then often by being anxious by being

worried by taking things personally by

being afraid we're taking our eye off

the ball and so i want you to see those

emotions not just as unpleasant but

actively destructive because they are

stuff's gonna happen in life that makes

us emotional but we have to realize that

we're only compounding that by acting on

those emotions

are you doing your job this is a key

question um when sean payton was uh

suspended from the nfl pre for a year he

put up a big picture of himself in the

saints facility in three words said do

your job this is the thing i think it

comes from bill belichick but the idea

is that everyone has a job in every

moment sometimes that's a little job

sometimes it's a big job but everyone

has to know their job in an organization

in life you got to ask yourself are you

doing it i think in the end we end up

focusing on everyone else's job than our

own because it's easier than doing our

own and that's why i like this question

so much are you doing your job and if

you aren't why not if you are good keep

doing

[Music]

what is the most important thing to you

what do you actually value if you don't

know what's important how do you know

that you're putting it first and so to

me all the other questions of life come

after you have asked and answered what

the most important thing to you is in

life if you told me i could sell 10

times as many books but it'd come at the

expense of my marriage or my

relationship with my kids i'd say screw

that right because i know the most

important thing to me is how those

things are in balance with each other

yes my work is important but it's not

the most important thing you know seneca

talks about this idea of euthymia he

says knowing the path that you're on

and not being distracted by the

paths of the people who's crisscross

yours this is especially the people who

are hopelessly lost when you know it's

important when you know what you value

and know where you're going it makes it

easy for you to ignore what doesn't

matter and focus on what does matter

who is this for this is a question as a

creator you always have to know who are

you making this for i talk to so many

entrepreneurs business people

creatives who have no idea they're just

making stuff they just hope it will find

an audience they go oh this is a book

for smart people you have to know who

you're making this for you have to know

your audience you have to know the

market you have to know human beings

this is why empathy is so important who

are you making this for who are they

where where are they what do they want

you have to know who this is for so i

always ask myself if they're making a

video or putting out a tweet or writing

a book screw your hunches who is this

for who are they

[Music]

does this actually matter right so many

of the things we're upset about that we

hold on to that we focus on they don't

matter not to you to anyone at all they

don't they just don't matter marcus

aurelius says ask yourself in every

moment is this essential this is because

most of what we do and say is not

essential he says when you eliminate the

inessential you get the double benefit

of doing the essential things better

stephen colbert loses his father and

several siblings in a plane crash as a

young man and he said what he took out

of this was a question from his mother

she said can you look at this in the

light of eternity does this matter in

the big picture right because so many of

the things we trivially get upset about

that we focus on

in moments of crisis we get real clarity

about we realize it didn't matter at all

people

matter your loved ones matter doing your

best matters everything else is

irrelevant and yet that's where we focus

so much of our time and energy

will this be a live time or dead time

that's something robert greene asked me

when i was thinking about becoming a

writer i had like a year to kill before

i could go do and he said what's this

year going to be for you is it going to

be a live time or dead time for you

you're going to use every second or

you're going to sit around and be

passive and wait that came flooding back

to me in the pandemic when we went into

lockdown it's going to be a live time or

dead time what am i going to have to

show for this whether it's two weeks or

two months or two years what am i going

to have to show for this period a live

time treat every moment like a lifetime

because while you have it you're alive

but after it's gone it's dead right

now is now can you use this time what

can you use it for if you always choose

a lifetime then you're always getting

better then you're always moving forward

you're not wasting time seneca says it's

not that life is short it's that we

waste a lot of it we kill time as time

is killing us

and the truth is you always have the

ability to make the most of this moment

so often we choose not to because we we

don't ask ourselves this question

[Music]

is this who i want to be

is this representative of the person

that i see myself as that i am trying to

become

or am i giving into my lower self here

am i taking a shortcut here am i doing

something that the person that i see

myself as wouldn't do cheryl straight

says you know

you're becoming who you're going to be

so you might as well not be an

when you do things you have to ask

yourself is this representative

of my character

of my priorities of my values of what i

said is important to me if the answer is

no you have to not do it how we do

anything is how we do everything you

have to ask yourself this question is

this who i want to be every interaction

every situation big or small because it

adds up in the way that nothing else can

if i could give you one more question

a last question a bonus question to you

it comes to us from victor frankel who

survives the holocaust he writes the

amazing book man search for meaning

you know he says we ask what is the

meaning of life

but he says actually

it is life that is asking us that

question

and it's our actions it's our decisions

that provide the answer

meaning is something we create from our

actions from our decisions from our

choices from who we choose to be these

are the kinds of questions that if you

ask often enough

you will provide as viktor frankl says

the kinds of answers

that make you who you're capable of

becoming if you want to learn more about

stoic philosophy

totally for free you can sign up for our

daily stoic email it's one free email

every morning the best of stoic wisdom

dailystoke.com

email