The guilt no one talks about after moving abroad

Summary

The speaker shares their emotional journey of moving abroad, highlighting the initial excitement and eventual reality of being alone in a new country. They discuss the guilt of leaving family behind, the challenges of adapting to a new culture, and the struggle between pursuing personal ambitions and maintaining family ties. The narrative explores themes of homesickness, personal growth, and the complex emotions of living away from one's roots, ultimately reflecting on the decision to move and the impact it has on one's identity and relationships.

Takeaways

• 🌐 The speaker expresses the initial excitement and eventual reality of moving across the world, highlighting the emotional journey of living abroad.
• 🏡 There's a constant feeling of missing something, whether it's the comfort of home or the independence of living abroad.
• 💔 The speaker grapples with guilt, feeling like a 'terrible daughter' for pursuing their own path away from family.
• 🏊 The decision to move to the States was influenced by a swimming scholarship, indicating a significant life change driven by personal passion.
• 📈 The speaker is ambitious and recognizes that their home country does not offer the same opportunities as living abroad, especially in their field of interest.
• 💼 The cost of education abroad is a significant barrier, with the speaker creating a PowerPoint to convince their parents of the necessity of their decision.
• 😢 The transition to a new country involves a steep learning curve, including managing daily life tasks and emotional challenges.
• 🤔 The speaker reflects on the concept of 'home', questioning where they truly belong and what it means to them as they navigate living in a foreign country.
• 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 There's a deep sense of responsibility towards family, especially as an only child, and the struggle of balancing personal aspirations with familial duties.
• 🌱 The speaker acknowledges personal growth and the development of a new 'home' away from their roots, despite the emotional complexities involved.

Q & A

What was the speaker's initial feeling when they decided to move abroad?

The speaker was initially excited and felt like they were embarking on a new adventure, driven by the ambition to explore and succeed in a field that was not well-developed in their home country.

How did the speaker's parents react to their decision to move abroad?

The speaker's parents were not surprised by their decision to move abroad, as it was a common occurrence in their community. They expressed their desire for the speaker to stay a little longer but ultimately encouraged them to spread their wings.

What was the speaker's experience like when they first arrived in the new country?

Upon arrival, the speaker felt a high level of excitement, comparing their new life to movies and songs they had seen. However, this excitement was short-lived as reality set in, and they began to feel overwhelmed by the responsibilities and challenges of living in a new country.

What challenges did the speaker face during their first few weeks in the new country?

The speaker faced challenges such as learning to cook, going for groceries, studying, and dealing with feelings of loneliness and missing their family. They also had to navigate public transport and adapt to a new language.

How did the speaker cope with feelings of loneliness and homesickness?

The speaker coped by calling their mom frequently, allowing themselves to feel and accept that it was okay not to be okay, and eventually making friends and adjusting to their new environment.

What was the speaker's perspective on their career opportunities in their home country compared to the new country?

The speaker felt that the industry they were passionate about was not very big in their home country, which was one of the reasons they moved to the new country for better opportunities.

How did the speaker's relationship with their family evolve over time as they lived abroad?

The speaker's relationship with their family evolved as they lived abroad, with feelings of guilt and responsibility. They felt they were missing out on family life and events, and there was a struggle between being selfish and selfless in their pursuit of personal goals versus family obligations.

What was the speaker's strategy to convince their parents about the importance of attending grad school in the US?

The speaker created a PowerPoint presentation titled 'Grad School or Bust' to present to their parents, emphasizing their desire for a better career path and the importance of the education they sought in the US.

How did the speaker's feelings towards their home change over time after living abroad?

Over time, the speaker's feelings towards their home changed as they began to see it more as a place to visit rather than their primary residence. They started to feel like a guest in their own home, and the familiarity of their past life became distant.

What advice does the speaker have for others considering moving abroad?

The speaker advises others to not be afraid and to pursue their passions and interests, even if it means moving away from their comfort zone. They emphasize that while it will be hard initially, it will eventually become better and lead to personal growth and happiness.

Outlines

00:00

🌍 Moving Abroad: The Emotional Journey

The speaker reflects on the emotional upheaval of moving abroad, highlighting the initial excitement and eventual realization of being alone in a new country. They grapple with feelings of guilt for leaving their family and the struggle to adapt to a new culture and lifestyle. The narrative touches on the concept of 'home' and the constant yearning for something missed, whether it's the past or the future. The speaker also shares their ambitious nature and the decision to move to the States for a swimming scholarship, marking their first time leaving India. The fear and concerns of the parents are acknowledged, yet they support the speaker's decision, showing a mix of cultural expectations and personal desires.

05:01

🍃 Coming to Terms with Change and Guilt

This paragraph delves into the speaker's experiences of adapting to life abroad, including the initial excitement and the subsequent challenges of independence. They discuss the process of making new friends, learning to cook, and becoming financially responsible. The concept of 'home' evolves as the speaker starts to view their new location as a 'home away from home.' However, returning visits to their home country bring a sense of being a guest in their own life, with a growing disconnect from the familiar. The speaker also expresses the guilt and responsibility of being an only child, especially in the face of family issues and the inevitable progression of life and death.

10:03

🏡 The Struggle Between Selfish and Selfless Living

The speaker continues to explore the internal conflict between pursuing personal ambitions and fulfilling family responsibilities. They touch upon the cultural expectations in Colombia, where living with parents until marriage is common, and the decision to move across the world instead. The narrative includes the emotional impact of being away during family emergencies and the difficulty of maintaining close relationships from a distance. The speaker also contemplates the future, including the possibility of returning home or moving further away, and the impact this has on family dynamics and personal identity.

15:05

🌱 Embracing the New Normal and Letting Go of Guilt

In this paragraph, the speaker acknowledges the sacrifices made in pursuit of their goals and the realization that some life events will be missed. They discuss the transition from seeing their current location as a temporary stay to accepting it as a long-term home. The speaker also reflects on the aging of their parents and the cultural implications of caring for them, pondering the future and the balance between personal aspirations and familial duties. The narrative concludes with a recognition of the need to redefine 'home' and to make peace with the choices made, despite the lingering feelings of guilt and responsibility.

20:07

🚀 Overcoming Fear and Embracing the Unknown

The final paragraph is a call to action, encouraging others to pursue their dreams and passions without fear. The speaker shares their personal growth and the strength gained from overcoming the challenges of moving abroad. They emphasize the importance of not letting the fear of missing out or the guilt of leaving home deter one from taking risks. The narrative ends on a hopeful note, suggesting that while the journey is difficult, the rewards of personal fulfillment and growth are worth it, and that the support and understanding of loved ones can make all the difference.

Keywords

💡Emotional roller coaster

An 'emotional roller coaster' refers to a situation where a person experiences a wide range of intense emotions in a short period of time. In the context of the video, the speaker describes the tumultuous feelings they faced when moving to a new country, which included excitement, fear, loneliness, and homesickness. This phrase captures the unpredictable and often overwhelming nature of adjusting to a significant life change.

💡Ambitious

Being 'ambitious' means having a strong desire and determination to succeed, often requiring hard work and dedication. The speaker mentions being ambitious and recognizing the limitations of their home country for their career aspirations, which motivated them to move abroad. This trait is central to the narrative as it drives the decision to leave the comfort of home for the pursuit of personal and professional growth.

💡Scholarship

A 'scholarship' is a financial award given to students to support their education, often based on academic merit or other criteria. The speaker received a swimming scholarship to study in the United States, which was their first opportunity to leave their home country. This keyword is significant as it represents a pivotal moment that set the stage for the speaker's journey and experiences abroad.

💡Independence

'Independence' refers to the state of relying on one's own resources and being self-sufficient. The video script describes the speaker's transition from living with their family to living alone in a foreign country, which required them to learn independence in managing daily tasks and responsibilities. This concept is central to the narrative as it symbolizes personal growth and the challenges of self-reliance.

💡Cultural differences

Cultural differences refer to the variations in customs, traditions, and social behaviors between societies. The speaker mentions the initial excitement of experiencing a new culture and the subsequent challenges of adapting to it, such as learning a new language and understanding local customs. This keyword is important as it highlights the complexity of assimilating into a new environment and the sense of being an outsider.

💡Homesickness

Homesickness is a feeling of sadness, nostalgia, or longing for one's home and family while being away from them. The script frequently touches on the speaker's experience of homesickness, particularly the emotional struggle of missing their family and the familiarity of their home country. This concept is a recurring theme that underscores the emotional cost of living abroad.

💡Guilt

Feelings of 'guilt' arise when a person believes they have done something wrong or failed to meet expectations, often accompanied by a sense of responsibility. The speaker expresses guilt for leaving their family and the perceived obligation to be present for significant family events. This keyword reflects the internal conflict between personal aspirations and familial duties.

💡Selfish vs. selfless

The concepts of 'selfish' and 'selfless' represent the balance between pursuing one's own interests versus acting for the benefit of others. The speaker grapples with this dichotomy, feeling torn between their personal goals and the needs of their family. This contrast is a central conflict in the narrative, illustrating the speaker's struggle to reconcile their ambitions with their sense of familial responsibility.

💡Adaptation

'Adaptation' is the process of adjusting to new conditions or environments. The video script details the speaker's journey of adapting to life abroad, which involved overcoming language barriers, learning new social norms, and developing a new support network. This keyword is crucial as it encapsulates the challenges and growth associated with living in a foreign country.

💡Identity

One's 'identity' encompasses the characteristics that define who they are, including their values, beliefs, and sense of self. The speaker reflects on how their identity has evolved since moving abroad, noting that they have changed in ways that their family may not recognize. This keyword is significant as it speaks to the transformative nature of the experience and the redefinition of self in a new cultural context.

💡Support network

A 'support network' consists of friends, family, and other connections that provide emotional and practical assistance. The script mentions the importance of building a support network abroad, which the speaker eventually develops to help cope with the challenges of living in a new country. This concept is vital as it highlights the role of social connections in navigating the complexities of life abroad.

Highlights

The emotional struggle of moving abroad and the feeling of being alone in a new country.

The constant battle between feeling selfish for pursuing personal ambitions and selfless for potentially leaving family behind.

The realization that living abroad means always missing something, whether it's the old life or the new experiences.

The decision to move to the United States for a swimming scholarship and the life-changing experience it brought.

The initial excitement of moving abroad and the subsequent reality check of the challenges that come with it.

The feeling of being a 'special guest' in one's own hometown after living abroad for an extended period.

The guilt and responsibility of being an only child moving away from family and the impact on family dynamics.

The difficulty of balancing the desire for independence with the emotional ties to family and home.

The experience of feeling like a 'little bird' leaving the nest and the subsequent challenges of adapting to a new environment.

The process of learning to be financially responsible and independent while living abroad.

The emotional turmoil of missing family events and milestones from afar and the guilt associated with it.

The concept of 'home' evolving from a physical place to a feeling of belonging and comfort.

The importance of self-acceptance and allowing oneself to feel the full range of emotions that come with living abroad.

The role of family support and the impact of their encouragement on the decision to move abroad.

The challenge of maintaining a long-distance relationship with family and the changes in those relationships over time.

The introspective journey of understanding one's own values and the sacrifices made for personal growth and ambition.

The advice for those considering moving abroad, emphasizing the importance of taking risks and pursuing one's passion.

Transcripts

I don't think anyone could have prepared

me for the emotional roller coaster that

I was about to experience or maybe

that's just because I wouldn't have

listened to them anyway because in that

moment all I could hear was the voice in

my head that said I'm moving out I'm

moving across the

world and then it really hit me I was

like oh my God I'm alone in this country

in a way you're never 100% happy because

you're always missing something and it's

Sol this fight being selfish and

selfless I really feel guilty for being

here sometimes I'm like I'm a terrible

daughter they know the person I was when

I was 18 when I lived with them and

that's not me at all

anymore I know there's a a word I can't

remember in another language but it's

like missing something you haven't had

or missing something you haven't seen

yet and that's what living abroad was to

me well I'm quite an ambitious person

and I could have already see that uh the

industry that I'm passionate about is

not very big in ltia I moved to the

States because I was a swimmer so I had

a swimming scholarship to study there in

the states and that was the first time I

left the country like my country ever in

my life yeah I didn't even knew like

okay Amsterdam there's a place called

Amsterdam and it was like first time

coming out of India for me or any place

out of India my dad is afraid of

everything so he was super afraid he was

like but why like what are you missing

that this context cannot provide to you

like what can I do like if you want to

do it go ahead but why you need to just

move out because it was always a desire

for me to like move abroad they weren't

it like they weren't surprised it was

almost like okay it's it's happening

like she's not all talk she's

action I decided to take a look at grad

school grad school in the US incredibly

expensive it's like

$60,000 per year um no one can afford

that I made a whole PowerPoint

presentation for my parents um to

present to them the name of the

PowerPoint presentation was grad school

or bust um cuz I was like the life that

I'm living right now is not exactly what

I want to be doing with my life

career-wise at that moment 17-year-old

me didn't think much about it I mean in

Aruba moving out to go study abroad was

not an uncommon thing maybe even more

common than not so I guess my parents

weren't really surprised but if we were

Birds then all they wished was for me to

stay in the bird's nest a little longer

cuddled up in their safety and warmed

protected from all the danger of the

world but they didn't say that instead

they told me to go spread my wings and I

don't think little me understood how

hard that must have been for

[Music]

them I was very excited because I mean

it's something new and I was looking

forward to it since I was a teenager I

was excited because I think I was that

Rebel teenager that was like I want to

leave my parents I don't want to see

them anymore like first day I arrived I

was like oh it's just like the movies I

grew up watching Maybe songs from MTV

people just look like they look like in

the movies or songs and one week I was

like I feel like I was in a high like oh

my God oh my

God and then reality settled in look oh

it's not a Utopia that I think it is to

be uh and at first we were excited but

then in one month I understood okay

there's so many things that I need to do

now like going uh for groceries like

cooking and then studying as well and

and then I remember the first night of

in college in my room alone and I was

just crying like I miss my mommy like

for the first week I was like I don't

know anything how to use public

transport or how what to why like what

is even sunflower oil I know like back

home I've been to supermarkets I can buy

stuff but now everything is in Dutch I

wasn't really doing great but without

realizing it so it took me a while to

give myself the let's say to allow

myself to say that it's okay not being

okay I was calling my mom almost like

every other day because I really felt

like yeah I don't have anyone to talk to

and it felt weird to just like go out

and talk to people like you know meet

meet other people I just felt very I

felt like a piece of myself was missing

somehow like I've caught my mom so many

times um and was like oh yeah I don't I

feel like I'm not clever enough I can't

do this and you're going to feel those

feelings of like why did I do this like

no one knows me definitely a wave of

this is the best idea I've ever had this

is the worst idea I've ever had this is

the best idea this is the worst one yeah

in the beginning it was all just pure

excitement it felt like I was a little

bird that was leaving the nest for the

first time flying freely and then

reality kicks in because I'm not a bird

and I can't fly so I landed flat on my

face multiple times actually but

eventually I made friends I learned how

to cook and somewhat learned how to be

financially responsible I guess it

became my home away from home or at

least that's what I told myself for a

long time it's really weird to go on

vacation home cuz it's the place that

I'm used to and I grew up in but now

it's the place where I take a break from

my actual life it feels like I am a like

a special guest on a TV show um on my

like friends or familyes TV show and I'm

like the special guest that appears

every once in a while

yeah it it is also hard because at some

point I feel that they don't know me

that well anymore like the memory that

I'm little puppy I'm so

sorry yeah it felt like I'm not a part

of this life anymore and it's like they

are getting to know new me so they kind

of know me but at the same time know

they know the person I was when I was 18

when I Liv with them and that's not not

me at all anymore it was weird I I could

see how our perspectives on life and

everything like changed a lot but at the

same time there was this feeling that uh

I I like I returned to my teenage years

you know it was like this warm feeling

that okay like what's happening it's

like not my life but at the same time

it's something so familiar and so

something that I really miss I think was

my birthday she they got me like a

Mickey pajama and it was pink and all

that I was like thanks but I don't I was

like no I don't like

this you go back so I didn't go back how

long two years yeah almost 2 years two

years yeah I want to go back of course

but I don't want to yeah I think this is

my journey right now so it's

like yeah when I'm ready to go back I'm

going to go back not to leave there but

just to yeah every time I go and visit

them I'm also missing here while I'm in

here I miss there in a different way

because there's some problems and family

has like problems that's it's not like

crazy problems when I go back they

become my responsibility initially I

used to feel a little bit bad but I

don't because I realize they only have

me to rely on they going rely on someone

else in a way you're never 100% happy

because you're always missing something

cuz I go home and I miss like my

independent life my friends you know

you're flat your like your space your

your

bike like you miss you miss all of the

things that like are intr intrinsically

yours over here but I think this feeling

of loneliness in a way doesn't go away

like never you always feel like uh part

of you is missing each time I went back

to Ru to visit each time it felt a

little less like home and I hated that

mixed feeling feeling so excited to see

my friends and family but also being

faced with this hard reality that this

is no longer my life and that while I

was gone life on that small island went

on without me whether I liked it or not

in Scotland I had to go back a bit more

often unplanned just for family funerals

and things like that so that's another

aspect perspect of moving abroad that is

very

sobering yeah you go home and some

people aren't there anymore yeah of

course the thought of for example death

pursue you a lot so you're are selfish

because you are far away from at least

for myself for my grandmother for

example and we know death is the only

thing we are sure right in life so it's

like o in a weird way you can keep

yourself a bit head in the sand about

who's gone because you go home and you

didn't have to deal with kind of the

aftermath of someone passing away you

get that terrible phone call but you

know you don't see the family all in the

living room

together very upset over this like you

you skip out on that so then when you go

home I found a lot of the experiences

were delayed for me for example my

grandpa pass away like a few months

ago and in a way I was like oh I wish I

was there but by being here helped me

deal with that better like it make me

remember the good times that I had with

him when I was living in there and not

like have those memories when I was he

was sick or being there when he was sick

I don't have those so in my brain I only

have good memories with him and I yeah I

don't regret that at all yeah so the

only reason that I will go back is just

to share more moments but not to move

again no not for now I mean I definitely

know I don't want to come back uh to

Colombia it's it's too different and I'm

love my country I'm grateful for what it

is for the people there but I know I

won't have the life that I have here now

that I see how things are here I don't

want to give up the opportunities that I

have here maybe eventually I mean I

really love home I love Italy so

probably at some point I'll go back I

just don't know when like my dad really

expected me to like live in the house

like the childhood home cuz that's just

a cultural thing like you just kind of

stay in the house until you get married

to your partner um in Colombian culture

and that's just a very normal thing and

I was like I'm going to go move across

the

world uh no I think they are fine now my

mom it's different like for her was

harder and I think she is like all the

time hoping I'm going to call I'm going

to say hey Mom next month I'm there but

no for now it's not going to happen and

she knows that for example for my career

right now I'm thinking of moving to

another country or maybe even to the

United States but but then my family

already like oh that's even more far

away like no that's the and I'm always

like in the middle of choosing myself

and what I really want in life and at

the same time kind of not giving up my

family because it always feels like that

that I'm leaving them behind in a way

and it's always this fight between being

selfish and selfless how much I live for

myself and how much I live for my family

or my cared one they're so happy for me

that I have my life here now and that I

am so happy but um I feel like for them

it's quite hard you miss you miss their

life as well so it kind of feel a little

bit like painful to prioritize yourself

I notice that like I really feel guilty

for being here sometimes but I don't

know it's your life at the same time

even though I know that like I cannot be

blamed for it cuz of course I I should

like choose my own life and happiness I

have that feeling after every single

time I call my parents and I'm like I'm

like I'm a terrible daughter I'm also an

only child um to my parents also I'm an

only child so I feel like I'm I'm like

abandoning like them

and you

know I I have my huge part of their life

so I literally took away that far from

them like the airport it's still always

tears so and I'm like almost on the

borderline of like hyperventilating and

my parents are now almost like Brook

like you do this like so often why are

you so upset cuz there is that guilt

with like you're actively choosing to

leave and yeah that I feel like you you

feel more responsibility when you're the

one leaving oh over days it kind of

comes down a little bit of like the

guilty feeling cuz I'm like this I like

I'm like I understand that I made the

right decision for myself I think

parents like at least my mom she

realizes that like okay I have to live

my own life as well and think she's

understanding the one thing is like my

dad died when I was very young so I feel

more responsible if my dad was there I

like okay Mom and Dad go figure out it's

your problem but now I feel a bit more

responsible it's one thing to move out

with the plan of going back after a few

years that was my plan too but it's

almost been 10 years and I'm still here

and both me and my family know that I'm

probably not going to come back for now

and what does that mean how much more

things am I going to miss out

on I think you start having these really

serious conversations with yourself

about okay what happens when Mom and Dad

get sick or what happens when my sisters

having babies or especially if I think

about myself like getting a partner and

if I have kids and over here it's like

okay what am I going to do when I'm

pregnant is Mom going to fly over here

am I going to have the baby in Canada

like you just start having these like

crazy conversations with yourself

they're always at 2 in the

morning it's just like it's very

overwhelming and my have a little

brother who's like 7 years old right now

then I go back to visit my family and I

see how he grown like so fast and I

don't have a very good connection with

him anymore or something because I'm far

away you know there's moments where

you're kind of like what am I what are

all these sacrifices for like what what

I'm missing the births of you know the

Next Generation the family missing the

funerals of the past and that's when I

realized okay maybe this goal that I

have maybe it will never be achieved and

I can keep running towards it but then I

will miss my actual life

so yeah I think it is like the

transition into okay this is no longer

just a short-term plan this is like the

long-term plan now I'm realizing that my

parents are getting

old and that's something nobody tells

you every time I go home I just see them

get a little bit older and I'm like oh

especially like in Colombian culture you

don't move your parents into a nursing

home that's like a big no no and also my

parents have also said that to me as

well but as like a

child like teenager hearing that you're

like Ah that's so far away you start

having these incredibly

like deep conversations with like just

yourself as well as loved ones almost

planning for things that hopefully are

like 30 40 years in the future but it's

crazy that this is now a bit more in

front of you than if you were at home

and what do you call home

now that's the question

so in my hometown there's this really

cute uh bar that has this sign that s

that says like the super cliche sentence

um home is not a place it's a feeling

okay we all know that but this might

sound like really cheesy but like home

isn't like a physical place it's like

where the people that you that make you

feel like you're at home are I think

home is where my family is genuinely for

me I'm I've been living been here for 2

years already and I still call home my

hometown home can be anywhere if I put

my mind to it when you think consider

your home as like back home you cannot

live here you will always be missing it

you have to make up your mind that okay

the current place you're living is your

home maybe it's temporary it's okay I

think that in order for a place to turn

into your home it takes a long time you

really have to build a lot in an

environment but in the end I think now

my home is here but I do relate with the

thing that it's a feeling because I can

still feel at home here in certain

moments even though it's not like my

home home I don't

know 17-year-old me found it relatively

easy to choose for herself but now it's

harder maybe because I now know how

fragile life really is or maybe because

I've now formed my own values I used to

think that it was so brave of me to have

moved abroad and I still do but now I

also know how Brave it was of my parents

to let me do so and if we were Birds

then all I could hope is that they're

there in that bird's nest Watching Me

Fly and fall and get up again and again

I hope they're proud and I hope that

they know I'm proud of

[Music]

them I mean in the end it's okay like

you also learn to approach the

relationship in a different way and I

think the good part about it is that I

have strengthened the relationship with

my parents because distance does help a

lot sometimes like it's done wonders for

my relationship with my parents because

you're not nitpicking about the most

random unimportant things my mom is been

a rock and she was like if something I

want to teach you in life is like go and

make the risk take the risk and as long

as you're happy I'm happy just yesterday

I was like riding through Amsterdam on

my bike and I realized like I'm so happy

here now like wherever you're going to

move like it's not going to be easy from

the beginning it's always going to be

hard I feel that it's important to know

that you're not

alone that you're not the only one going

through this and with his emotions

you're going to go through a lot of

but it's going to be worth it at the end

everything like times put everything in

you know in the place I really think so

so just go for it don't be no don't be

afraid no be afraid and go and do that

because that's the only way to do it

moving out and uh pursuing your passion

and your interests and moving away from

your comfort zone basically essentially

is just moving like going out of your

comfort zone it will always be hard but

in the end I know from my experience at

least whenever I actually did that it

became better every time so of course

there will be like disadvantages and uh

down times and everything but in the end

somehow it will always get better

because you will always choose yourself

um but I don't think the guilt of what

will inevitably happen that shouldn't be

the reason you stay home if you have

that feeling to

go yeah I love that you so yeah I hope

I'm not just a yapper

[Music]