Relocation-the woes, the grows and glows | Lisl Foss | TEDxALC

Summary

The speaker candidly shares their experience of relocating to Mauritius, highlighting the emotional turmoil of adapting to a new environment. They discuss the initial excitement, the subsequent challenges of loneliness and fear, and the eventual personal growth that comes with overcoming these obstacles. The script emphasizes the transformative power of relocation, offering insights into building resilience, forming new relationships, and embracing a fresh start, while also acknowledging the stress it can cause.

Takeaways

• 🏠 Relocation can be a highly disruptive experience, even when it's a change we desire and actively pursue.
• 🌏 Moving to a new place strips us of the familiar, leading to disorientation and a longing for the predictability and control we had before.
• 🌙 The initial excitement of a new place can fade, leaving feelings of tiredness, depression, and confusion, questioning the decision to relocate.
• 🤔 There are predictable patterns of adjustment challenges that most people go through when moving to a new place.
• 🛌 The first nights in a new place can be particularly difficult, filled with dread and fear of the unknown.
• 🏡 Loneliness and fear are common during the early days of relocation, with worries about work, making friends, and the life left behind.
• 🔄 Relocation can bring up unresolved losses from the past, making adjustment harder and creating a mental noise that complicates new obligations.
• 💪 Despite the challenges, relocation can lead to personal growth, making us more flexible, resilient, and resourceful.
• 🌱 The process of moving can heal parts of ourselves that only emerge during significant change, teaching us to be more independent.
• 🤝 Relocation can strengthen relationships, both new and existing, through shared vulnerability and the need for support.
• 🌈 There is a 'glow' of relocation, where the challenges faced pave the way for personal expansion and a fresh start in life.
• 🧘‍♂️ Learning to stay in the present and experience life moment by moment is crucial during the relocation process, as it helps in managing stress and anxiety.

Q & A

Why does the speaker feel that relocating to a new place can be so disruptive?

The speaker feels that relocating to a new place is disruptive because it involves leaving behind a familiar life with family, friends, and a career, and starting anew in an unfamiliar environment, which can lead to feelings of disorientation, loneliness, and emotional challenges.

What was the speaker's initial experience after moving to Mauritius?

The speaker's initial experience in Mauritius was challenging, with the honeymoon phase ending after eight months, leading to feelings of tiredness, depression, demotivation, and confusion.

What patterns of adjustment challenges did the speaker find during their research?

The speaker found predictable patterns of adjustment challenges during relocation, which include feelings of loneliness, fear, and the pressure to adapt quickly, as well as the potential for personal growth and resilience.

How did the speaker's first night in Mauritius affect their perception of the move?

The speaker's first night in Mauritius was filled with dread and sleepless hours, causing them to question their decision to relocate and feel overwhelmed by the newness of their surroundings.

What emotions did the speaker experience during the early days of relocation?

During the early days of relocation, the speaker experienced loneliness, fear, isolation, and emotional numbness, which led to feelings of confusion and disconnection.

How did the speaker cope with the unreliable Wi-Fi in their residence in Mauritius?

The speaker coped with the unreliable Wi-Fi by spending hours in the bathroom, which had the best Wi-Fi signal, to communicate with people back home, providing a sense of connection and support.

What positive outcomes did the speaker identify as a result of relocation?

The speaker identified several positive outcomes of relocation, such as increased flexibility, development of new skills, emotional healing, and the opportunity to build new relationships and deepen existing ones.

How did the speaker's experience of living alone in Mauritius contribute to personal growth?

Living alone in Mauritius initially made the speaker anxious, but they learned to enjoy their own company, appreciate the peace and quiet, and became more independent emotionally, physically, and financially.

What advice does the speaker give for managing the process of relocation?

The speaker advises to remember one's courage, cultivate a sense of adventure, be gentle with oneself, accept help, maintain important relationships, focus on the present, and allow oneself to feel and let go of the sadness of things left behind.

What does the speaker mean by the 'glows of relocation'?

The 'glows of relocation' refer to the positive aspects that can emerge after the initial challenges of relocation, such as forming lifelong friendships, deepening existing relationships, experiencing personal growth, and enjoying a fresh start in life.

How does the speaker describe the process of emotional decluttering during relocation?

The speaker describes emotional decluttering as the process of no longer defining oneself in terms of their previous life, which creates internal space for new qualities to emerge and allows for personal change and growth.

Outlines

00:00

😔 Emotional Challenges of Relocation

The speaker begins by sharing their personal experience of moving to Mauritius, highlighting the emotional turmoil that can accompany such a significant life change. They discuss the initial excitement that eventually fades, leading to feelings of depression, demotivation, and confusion. The speaker also touches on the universality of these feelings, suggesting that they are part of predictable patterns experienced by most people who relocate. The summary of this paragraph emphasizes the disruption caused by leaving behind a familiar environment and the struggle to adjust to a new one, even when the move is desired.

05:00

🤯 Coping with the Stress of New Surroundings

In this paragraph, the speaker delves into the stress and anxieties that come with the unfamiliarity of a new place. They recount their first night in Mauritius, marked by dread and discomfort. The summary outlines the challenges of loneliness, fear, and the pressure to succeed in a new environment. The speaker also reflects on the psychological impact of relocation, comparing it to the stress experienced by monkeys in a study, and suggests that the difficulties of adjusting are not just in one's imagination but are a common and valid response to change.

10:03

🌱 Growth Opportunities Through Relocation

The speaker turns the focus to the positive aspects of relocation, discussing how it can lead to personal growth and increased resilience. They share their own journey of becoming more independent and resourceful, and how the challenges they faced pushed them to develop new skills. The summary highlights the process of emotional decluttering and the opportunity to redefine oneself, as well as the professional growth that can come from adapting to new work environments and expectations.

15:03

🤝 Building New Relationships and Finding Support

This paragraph explores the potential for forming new relationships and deepening existing ones as a result of relocation. The speaker talks about the bonds formed with strangers due to shared experiences and the importance of maintaining connections with family and friends from their past life. The summary emphasizes the richness that new friendships and professional connections can bring, as well as the personal strength gained from being a role model for others and the healing that can come from embracing the present moment.

🏡 Embracing the Fresh Start and Personal Change

The final paragraph discusses the fresh start that relocation offers and the opportunity it presents for personal change. The speaker shares their own experience of enjoying newfound freedom in Mauritius and the joy it brings to their life. The summary captures the idea of letting go of past constraints and rebuilding life according to one's own needs and goals. It also includes advice on managing the relocation process to maximize growth and healing, suggesting practices such as cultivating a sense of adventure, being gentle with oneself, and focusing on the present.

Keywords

💡Relocation

Relocation refers to the act of moving from one place to another, often for work or personal reasons. In the video's context, it is the central theme, illustrating the emotional and psychological challenges one faces when starting a new life in a different place. The speaker's move to Mauritius exemplifies the process, highlighting the initial excitement, followed by the struggles of adjustment and eventual growth.

💡Disruptive

Disruptive in this video describes the significant impact that relocation has on a person's life, breaking the routine and requiring adaptation to a new environment. The term is used to emphasize the initial stress and upheaval caused by moving, which can lead to feelings of disorientation and emotional distress, as mentioned in the speaker's first night in Mauritius.

💡Adjustment Challenges

Adjustment challenges are the difficulties one encounters when trying to fit into a new environment or culture. The video discusses these challenges in the context of moving to a new place, such as the loss of familiar surroundings and the need to build new routines and relationships. The speaker's experience of feeling tired, depressed, and demotivated exemplifies these challenges.

💡Honeymoon Phase

The honeymoon phase, as used in the video, refers to the initial period of excitement and enthusiasm when experiencing something new, such as moving to a new place. The speaker mentions that after this phase, the reality of relocation sets in, leading to feelings of routine and a loss of the novelty that initially sustained them.

💡Loneliness

Loneliness is a feeling of sadness or distress due to a lack of company or companionship. In the video, it is a significant aspect of the relocation experience, where the speaker describes the fear of not being able to cope with work and the worry about making new friends, which contributes to the overall stress of moving.

💡Resilience

Resilience is the ability to recover quickly from difficulties or adapt to change. The video highlights how relocation can strengthen one's resilience by forcing individuals to develop new skills and approaches to overcome the challenges of living in a new environment. The speaker's personal growth and the development of independence exemplify the resilience built through relocation.

💡Emotional Numbness

Emotional numbness is a state where an individual feels disconnected from their emotions, often as a coping mechanism to deal with stress or trauma. The video describes this state as a common experience during the early days of relocation, where the speaker felt isolated and struggled with the emotional impact of their move.

💡Anxiety

Anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. The video discusses anxiety as a common outcome of relocation, where the speaker describes feeling overwhelmed and inadequate, unable to cope with the new environment and the changes it brought.

💡Growth

Growth in the video refers to personal development and the positive changes that can result from overcoming the challenges of relocation. The speaker's experience of being pushed to grow, learning new skills, and becoming more independent are examples of growth that came from the difficulties faced during relocation.

💡Support Networks

Support networks are the systems of relationships and resources that provide assistance and encouragement. In the context of the video, the speaker relies on their support network, including family and friends, to help them cope with the emotional challenges of relocation. These connections are vital for emotional well-being and can deepen during times of stress.

💡Fresh Start

A fresh start is an opportunity to begin anew, often after a significant change or disruption. The video discusses the relocation process as providing a fresh start, allowing individuals to rebuild their lives according to their own needs and goals, free from the expectations and constraints of their previous lives. The speaker's newfound joy in daily swimming exemplifies the positive outcomes of a fresh start.

Highlights

Relocation can be a disruptive experience even when it's a desired change.

The speaker moved to Mauritius for a job, leaving behind family and friends.

The initial excitement of relocation can fade, leading to feelings of routine and demotivation.

Relocation can lead to predictable patterns of adjustment challenges.

Being in a new place can cause feelings of loneliness, fear, and confusion.

The first night in a new place can be filled with dread and discomfort.

Relocation can stir up memories of past losses and make adjustment more difficult.

Relocation stress can manifest as anxiety, similar to how it affects animals in studies.

Relocation can lead to personal growth, making individuals more flexible and resourceful.

The speaker learned to enjoy their own company and find peace in solitude.

Relocation can strengthen emotional, physical, and financial independence.

Adjusting to new ways of working can be liberating and lead to professional growth.

Relocation offers opportunities for new relationships and deepening existing ones.

The process of moving can inspire others to make changes in their own lives.

Relocation can force one to live in the present and experience life moment by moment.

A fresh start in a new place can provide the momentum for personal change.

Relocation is rated as one of the most taxing life events, following death and divorce.

Best practices for managing relocation include embracing challenges and maintaining relationships.

Relocation can lead to personal growth and healing, despite the initial discomfort.

Transcripts

have any of you cried yourself to sleep

after moving to a new place yeah well

you would be in good company here today

because my big question is why is it so

disruptive to close all things in one

place and start a new life in another

even if this change was something we

desired and actively pursued searching

for the answer to this question led me

to my experience of relocating to

Mauritius almost your'e ago I had left

behind a thirty-year life of family

friends and a busy career to start a job

in a country I had never even visited

before eight months into my new life the

honeymoon phase was over what had

initially been an exciting challenge had

just turned into routine and the novelty

of my surroundings was no longer

sustaining me I was feeling tired

depressed demotivated and mostly

confused about what was happening to me

because I had wanted this move I

realized that if this change was having

such a big impact on me it was likely

that there might be others who could

relate to what I was going through and

who might currently even be experiencing

some of these adjustment challenges in

doing the research for my presentation I

was surprised to find that they are in

fact predictable patterns to the woes

grows and blows of relocation and that

it's likely that most of us will go

through them when we move to a new place

so today I will be taking a look at what

we may expect when we move to a new

place and also consider some ways in

which we might deal with the impact of

this on our lives

why is relocation to a new place so

stressful one of the reasons is that at

home we are creatures of habit we like

the safe and the known moving strips us

of the familiar trappings of our life we

may become completely disorientated and

sometimes feel completely overwhelmed by

the sheer newness of everything as we

try to adjust we may long for the

predictability and a sense of control

that we live behind and we may even

start doubting the wisdom of our

decision to relocate first night I spent

in Mauritius was possibly the worst of

my life I hardly slept waking every

couple of hours with the feeling of

utter dread in my stomach what on earth

had I done giving up a successful and a

happy life to settle on an island in the

middle of nowhere where I knew no one

but brick we have feeling stretched

alone and scared in a new place it's

just about impossible to connect with

net craving for adventure and

independence that brought us here in the

first place these early days of

relocation can also be a time of

loneliness and fear we are worried that

we won't be able to cope with our work

we worry about making new friends and

that the life we live behind won't be

the same in we return that family and

friends will have forgotten about us

Nina's also sometimes the pressure to

give something back to those at home

because of the opportunity granted us

because we were the chosen ones

others the first time I went back home I

didn't know what to expect how would I

feel when I meet up with my old friends

would we still have something left to

say to one another would they want to

hear about my new life

would I still even care about this

during these early days a sense of

isolation and emotional numbness they

permeate our days leaving us feeling

confused and disconnected the only

solace may well be contact with family

and friends from our old lives giving us

the strength to carry on when I arrived

in Mauritius my colleagues and I were

accommodated in Ennis a residence and in

those days the Wi-Fi there was very

unreliable that I happen to discover but

the bathrooms in the sky room for some

reason had the very best Wi-Fi in the

building during my first trip in

Mauritius I spent many hours sitting on

a clothes toilet talking with people

back home but then wondering why on

earth my voice had such a strange a

career into it leaving home

they sometimes bring up memories of

unresolved losses from the past

this can make adjusting to the new place

even the harder it can feel like there's

a kind of noise in our heads which makes

meeting obligations and commitments in

our new context seems surprisingly

different difficult sometimes even

insurmountable we may feel vulnerable

and helpless as if hit by a self-imposed

earthquake why bring what isn't

happening to us and we may fear that we

will never get our happy confident

selves back again all these unsettling

experiences can be thought of as

anxieties

a common outcome of relocation it is an

overwhelmed and easy and prehensile and

worrisome state of mind which makes us

feel inadequate and unable to cope it's

interesting to note that monkeys who

were subjected to the stress of

relocation in a research study suffered

just as we do exhibiting increases in

neurotic behavior elevated levels of

cortisol which is the stress hormone and

sleep disturbances so it is not a

figment of our imagination that moving

is demanding and exhausting and it will

probably not work to simply pull

ourselves together and get over it

fortunately there is light at the end of

the tunnel and if we embrace or at most

survive challenges of relocation it can

launch us onto an exciting part of

expansion there are ways in which moving

to a new place and strengthen us

increase our resilience and make us more

resourceful than ever before the growth

of relocation one such positive outcome

is that in order to deal with the

anxiety and helplessness of being out of

our comfort zone we become more flexible

we develop new skills and resort to

different approaches even though these

novel behaviors might be uncomfortable

or scary at first level of discomfort

associated with my own growth process

took me completely by surprise before

moving to Mauritius I had longed for a

new challenge that would force me to

know myself better and develop new

skills I couldn't believe my luck when I

was actually offered my career

job the grow seemed such a noble and

amazing thing to be able to do but I

never dreamt it would be so difficult

and it's such unexpected ways the

lessons I have learned have terrified me

challenged me and almost defeated me but

ultimately they pushed me to grow and I

feel different on the inside now as with

all major transitions moving also

provides a powerful opportunity to heal

parts of ourselves that don't emerge

unless we are in the midst of

significant change in my own place

living alone away from my family

initially made me quite anxious I hated

that feeling that I could fall over and

die in my apartment and no one would

even know eventually out of desperation

I trained myself to look in the mirror

and say but you are not alone look there

you are there is somebody here with you

now I'm learning to enjoy my own company

and sometimes even relish the peace and

quiet of my apartment rather than

feeling afraid of the isolation or

wondering where all the other people are

having fun without me

relocation offers further occasion for

growth by teaching us to be more

independent emotionally physically and

financially it increases our resilience

and as we find ways to thrive in the new

place we feel more confident of our

ability to cope we understand what is

important to us and what we need to make

our lives work the emotional

decluttering that happens when we no

longer define ourselves in terms of our

previous lives creates internal space

which allows for new qualities

to emerge we are already rebuilding

ourselves as part of the adjustment

process so it becomes easier to update

our ways of learning and working to be

more efficient or relevant my previous

position was in a traditional

hundred-year-old

University and I often felt a pressure

to limit myself to conform to the status

quo but upon starting my new job I was

experiencing change on so many levels

that it seemed a relatively simple thing

to also adjust the way I work this has

been a liberating an exciting process

and I have grown professionally as a

result so there definitely are ways in

which moving can help us to become

stronger and the evidence suggests that

after we have grown and stretched and

adjusted to our changed circumstances we

can expect some happy times and start

experiencing what I call the glows of

relocation one of these is in the area

of relationships strangers who start to

live together in a different place often

form lifelong friendships because of

their shared vulnerability especially if

the going is tough being a newcomer in a

community also offers the potential for

new friendships and new professional

connections we also learn to each are

tall away from our usual support

networks we are more likely to ask for

help and become more open-minded about

accepting invitations from new friends

all of which makes our lives richer and

fuller furthermore our increased need

for support during relocation may lead

to a deepening of existing relationships

I can honestly say that I would not have

survived the first six months in

Mauritius with a long and emotional

watts

positions with family and friends and

other parts of the world they provided a

space where I no longer had to hold it

all together

where I gave myself permission to feel

and to be comforted when a friend from

my past life understood what I was going

through it cemented the bonds between us

and these relationships are now an even

greater source of pleasure in my life

sometimes the boldness of my move to

Mauritius has inspired others back home

to make changes in their own lives being

a role model in this way makes all the

discomfort and stress seem worthwhile

and it really helps me to trust myself

and my decisions going forward

a further glow of the relocation process

relates to the way it forces us to

experience life moment by moment moving

is such an all-consuming phenomenon that

it leaves little energy or time for

anything but the next job that needs to

be done the big question is about where

our lives will go after the space

whether we will succeed or fail remain

unanswered I am myself currently

learning to move away from my personal

and loans lack when will my husband join

me in Mauritius what will happen if he

doesn't what will happen if he does what

will happen to me in my old age how will

I stay financially secure will I ever

settle property in Mauritius and what on

earth would I do if I went back home

instead I am learning to remain in the

present experiencing the richness of

staying focused on what is in front of

me and trusting that all will be well

and finally another wonderful outcome of

relocation is the Fresh Start that it

gives us to be surrounded by new things

and different people is interesting

stimulating the internal energy

generated provides momentum for personal

change and we have the opportunity to

rebuild our lives according to her own

needs and goals away from the

expectations and constraints of our

previous lives talking about constraints

from previous lives I love swimming and

I've often dreamt about being one of

those old ladies who goes swimming every

morning regardless of the weather but I

also happen to hate cold water which was

always a big problem that home

fortunately now in Mauritius a wonderful

temperature the sea makes it possible

for me to be that crazy lady and my

dailies films have become a news source

of joy in my life so this story will

hopefully have a happy ending

nevertheless the stress associated with

moving can do damage to our health and

well-being

relocation is commonly rated as lacks

third most taxing event following death

and divorce so I would like to end by

sharing with you some best practices

towards consciously managing the process

so that the discomfort of relocation can

also bring you equivalent levels of

growth and healing

number one remember every day how

courageous you are cultivate a sense of

adventure and explore your new

surroundings take the risk of getting

involved but also have a safe place to

retreat you when you've had enough

secondly be gentle with yourself and

don't be afraid of strong emotions they

are quite normal but will change as you

settle be patient and accept help and

maintain those important relationships

back home never compare your current

life with things back home rather focus

on the present find small things to be

grateful for and set a time every day to

do something you love or spending time

in a beautiful place cultivate a kind

and positive attitude towards everyone

around you but don't compromise to fit

in being yourself will more quickly

attract like-minded people to you and

you will make friends more easily and

finally gently and fully breathe the

loss of the life you once lived

unless we let ourselves feel the sadness

of things left behind and let them go it

can be difficult to adapt to the new

environment this takes time and it must

happen at our own pace it is not a race

ladies and gentlemen relocation is

disruptive for all the reasons discussed

here today but it is disruptive also in

the very best sense of the word sad

lonely distressed phase usually paves

the way for better things to come

in short relocation can feel like one of

the worst times of our lives but it may

also launch us to the very best thank

you