What I learned from 100 days of rejection | Jia Jiang | TED

Summary

In this inspiring talk, the speaker recounts a childhood experience of public rejection that instilled a fear of being turned down, impacting their life and aspirations. After being moved by Bill Gates, they set out to conquer the world but were held back by their fear of rejection. Embracing a challenge to face rejection for 100 days, they learned to transform 'no's into opportunities, ultimately teaching others to do the same, turning their curse into a gift.

Takeaways

• 🎁 The speaker's first experience with rejection was a childhood event where they were one of the last to receive a gift due to a lack of compliments from peers, highlighting the impact of early experiences on self-perception.
• 🏆 Inspired by Bill Gates, the speaker aspired to build a company that would outperform Microsoft by the age of 25, illustrating the power of role models in shaping ambitions.
• 🔄 Despite early dreams of entrepreneurship, the speaker found themselves stuck in a corporate job by the age of 30, reflecting the gap between aspirations and reality.
• 🤔 The speaker's internal struggle between the desire to conquer the world and the fear of rejection was a constant theme, showing how past experiences can influence present actions.
• 🚫 The fear of public rejection was so strong that it hindered the speaker's entrepreneurial endeavors, emphasizing the paralyzing effect of fear on career growth.
• 🔍 After an investment rejection, the speaker realized the need to improve as a leader and person, not just a company or product, indicating a turning point in personal development.
• 🔑 The speaker discovered 'Rejection Therapy', a concept that involves seeking out rejection to desensitize oneself to the fear of it, demonstrating a creative approach to overcoming personal barriers.
• 🎬 By documenting their rejection experiences through a video blog, the speaker not only faced their fears but also gained insights into their reactions to rejection, showing the value of self-reflection.
• 🤝 The speaker learned that by staying engaged after rejection and asking 'why', they could often turn a 'no' into a 'yes', revealing the power of persistence and curiosity.
• 💡 The unexpected success of a request for Olympic-themed doughnuts at Krispy Kreme taught the speaker that sometimes embracing the unusual can lead to surprising outcomes and opportunities.
• 📚 The speaker's experience teaching a college class by simply asking demonstrated that fulfilling life dreams can sometimes be as simple as taking the initiative to ask for what you want.
• 🌟 The speaker concluded that embracing rejection and turning it into an opportunity can transform what was once a curse into a gift, encouraging others to face and learn from rejection.

Q & A

What was the initial idea of the first-grade teacher's gift-giving activity?

The first-grade teacher's idea was to have students experience receiving gifts while also learning the virtue of complimenting each other. The students were to stand and compliment each other, and when their name was called, they would pick up their gift and sit down.

How did the gift-giving activity turn into a negative experience for the speaker?

The activity turned negative for the speaker when the compliments stopped, leaving the speaker and two other students without gifts. This led to public rejection and embarrassment, causing the speaker to cry and feel worse than the teacher.

What impact did Bill Gates' visit to Beijing have on the speaker?

Bill Gates' visit inspired the speaker to set a goal of building the biggest company in the world by age 25, with the ambition to buy Microsoft, thus embracing the idea of world domination.

What was the speaker's occupation at the age of 30, and how did they feel about it?

At 30, the speaker was a marketing manager for a Fortune 500 company but felt stuck and stagnant, questioning why they hadn't started their own company as they had once dreamed.

What internal conflict did the speaker experience between the ages of 14 and 30?

The speaker experienced a conflict between the ambition of their 14-year-old self, who wanted to conquer the world, and the fear of rejection from their six-year-old self, which often won out, preventing them from taking risks.

How did the speaker's fear of rejection affect their entrepreneurial journey?

The fear of rejection made the speaker want to quit after facing an investment rejection. However, they realized that successful entrepreneurs like Bill Gates do not quit easily, leading them to a realization that they needed to become a better leader and person.

What was the concept behind 'Rejection Therapy' and how did the speaker apply it?

'Rejection Therapy' is a game where one seeks out rejection for 30 days, with the goal of desensitizing oneself to the pain of rejection. The speaker applied it by seeking rejection for 100 days, documenting their experiences in a video blog.

What was the outcome of the speaker's 'Olympic Doughnuts' request at Krispy Kreme?

Surprisingly, the doughnut maker took the request seriously, created doughnuts resembling Olympic rings, and the video of this experience went viral, garnering over five million views on YouTube.

How did the speaker's approach to rejection change after their '100 Days of Rejection' experiment?

The speaker learned to not run away from rejection but to stay engaged, ask 'why,' and turn a 'no' into a 'yes.' They also discovered that mentioning potential doubts before asking could gain trust and increase the likelihood of a positive response.

What life dream did the speaker fulfill by simply asking, and how did it make them feel?

The speaker fulfilled their dream of teaching a college class by persistently asking professors at the University of Texas at Austin. After successfully teaching the class, they felt overwhelmed with emotion, realizing that asking could achieve their dreams.

What message does the speaker convey about embracing rejection in their talk?

The speaker encourages embracing rejection as an opportunity rather than a curse, stating that by not running away from it and considering the possibilities, rejections can become gifts and lead to personal growth and achievement.

Outlines

00:00

🎁 Childhood Gift Rejection and Ambitions

The speaker recounts a childhood experience where a classroom gift-giving activity turned into a public rejection when they were one of the last to receive a gift. This event left a deep impact, creating a fear of public rejection. The narrative then shifts to the speaker's teenage years, inspired by Bill Gates' visit to Beijing, where they set an ambitious goal to build the world's biggest company by age 25, aiming to outperform Microsoft.

05:02

🚀 From Childhood Fear to Entrepreneurial Dreams

The speaker reflects on their journey from the fear instilled by the childhood rejection to their aspiration to become a successful entrepreneur. Despite the initial enthusiasm, they found themselves stuck as a marketing manager at a Fortune 500 company by the age of 30, feeling stagnant and battling the fear of rejection that held them back from pursuing their entrepreneurial dreams.

10:02

🤔 Embracing Rejection: A Personal Experiment

The speaker describes how they decided to confront their fear of rejection by conducting a personal experiment inspired by 'Rejection Therapy'. They committed to seeking rejection for 100 days, documenting their experiences in a video blog. The experiment started with simple requests like borrowing money from a stranger, which were predictably rejected but allowed the speaker to observe their reactions and begin to learn from the experience.

15:04

🏅 Overcoming Fear and Achieving Lifelong Dreams

The speaker shares insights gained from their rejection experiment, such as the power of asking questions like 'why' to understand the reasons behind rejections and turning them into opportunities. They recount specific instances where they managed to convert a 'no' into a 'yes' by staying engaged and not running away from rejection. The speaker also highlights how they fulfilled a lifelong dream of teaching by simply asking, which led to an opportunity to teach a college class. The narrative concludes with the speaker's transformation from fearing rejection to embracing it as a tool for personal growth and a message to others to do the same.

🌟 Transforming Rejection into Opportunities

In the final paragraph, the speaker emphasizes the transformative power of embracing rejection. They have turned their personal journey into a mission to help others overcome their fear of rejection through blogging, speaking, writing a book, and developing technology. The speaker encourages the audience to consider the possibilities when faced with rejection or failure and to embrace these challenges as potential gifts for growth and opportunity.

Keywords

💡Rejection

Rejection refers to the act of refusing to accept or consider something or someone. In the video's context, it is a central theme as the speaker discusses overcoming the fear of being rejected, both personally and professionally. The speaker's journey from a childhood experience of public rejection to later embracing rejection as a means for personal growth illustrates the transformative power of facing and learning from rejections.

💡Fear

Fear is an emotional response to perceived threats or danger. Within the video, fear is depicted as a barrier that the speaker had to overcome, particularly the fear of rejection. The speaker's realization that fear was holding him back from achieving his goals led him to seek out and embrace rejection as a way to desensitize himself to the fear and ultimately, to grow.

💡Complimenting

Complimenting is the act of expressing praise or admiration. In the script, the first-grade teacher's idea to have students compliment each other before receiving gifts was intended to foster positive interactions. However, it inadvertently led to a situation where the speaker was publicly rejected, highlighting the contrast between the intended positive outcome and the actual negative experience.

💡Humiliation

Humiliation is the feeling of being deeply ashamed or embarrassed. The speaker describes feeling humiliated during the childhood gift-giving incident when he was one of the last to receive a gift due to the lack of compliments. This feeling of humiliation is a pivotal moment that contributed to his fear of rejection.

💡Entrepreneur

An entrepreneur is an individual who creates a new business, bearing most of the risks and enjoying most of the rewards. The speaker's aspiration to become an entrepreneur is a driving force in his narrative, with his encounter with Bill Gates inspiring him to set a goal of building a company to rival Microsoft. This keyword is central to the speaker's identity and ambition.

💡Domination

Domination refers to the state of having control or authority over others. The speaker's early ambition to build the biggest company in the world and buy Microsoft reflects a desire for domination in the business world. This concept is tied to the speaker's narrative of wanting to conquer and lead.

💡Stagnation

Stagnation is a state of inactivity, lack of progress, or growth. The speaker felt stagnation in his career as a marketing manager, which was a catalyst for his introspection and eventual decision to start his own company. This keyword is key to understanding the speaker's motivation to change his circumstances.

💡Embracing

Embracing means to accept or support something willingly. In the video, embracing rejection is presented as a transformative approach that the speaker adopted to overcome his fear. By seeking out rejection and learning from it, the speaker turned what was once a source of fear into a tool for personal development.

💡Opportunity

Opportunity refers to a set of circumstances that makes it possible to do something. The speaker discovered that by not running away from rejection but instead asking 'why' and engaging further, he could turn rejections into opportunities. This keyword is central to the speaker's message of turning negatives into positives.

💡Desensitization

Desensitization is the process of reducing sensitivity or emotional reactivity to something. The speaker used the concept of 'Rejection Therapy' to desensitize himself to the pain of rejection. By seeking out rejection for 100 days, he learned to react less emotionally to rejection, which is a key part of his personal growth story.

💡Inspiration

Inspiration is the process of being mentally stimulated to feel or do something, especially something creative. The speaker was inspired by Bill Gates and the idea of conquering the world, which set him on his entrepreneurial path. Later, he became an inspiration to others by sharing his experiences and lessons learned from embracing rejection.

Highlights

A first-grade teacher's unique gift-giving activity turned into a public roast, teaching the importance of handling rejection.

The fear of public rejection can have a profound impact on a person's life and ambitions.

Inspiration from Bill Gates sparked a young dream of building a company to rival Microsoft.

The realization of not fulfilling childhood dreams can lead to a reevaluation of one's life and goals.

The internal struggle between the desire to achieve and the fear of rejection can hinder progress.

The concept of 'Rejection Therapy' as a method to desensitize oneself to the fear of rejection.

The power of asking for what you want, even in the face of potential rejection.

The surprising outcome of asking for an Olympic Doughnut, leading to unexpected success and viral fame.

The transformative effect of embracing rejection and turning it into a learning opportunity.

The discovery that asking 'why' after rejection can lead to valuable insights and even a 'yes'.

The strategy of acknowledging potential doubts before asking can increase the likelihood of a positive response.

The fulfillment of a lifelong dream to teach by simply asking, demonstrating the power of courage over rejection.

The idea that historical figures who changed the world faced and overcame significant rejection.

The speaker's mission to teach others how to turn rejections into opportunities through various platforms.

The encouragement to face life's obstacles and failures with an open mind to discover new possibilities.

Transcripts

When I was six years old,

I received my gifts.

My first grade teacher had this brilliant idea.

She wanted us to experience receiving gifts

but also learning the virtue of complimenting each other.

So she had all of us come to the front of the classroom,

and she bought all of us gifts and stacked them in the corner.

And she said,

"Why don't we just stand here and compliment each other?

If you hear your name called,

go and pick up your gift and sit down."

What a wonderful idea, right?

What could go wrong?

(Laughter)

Well, there were 40 of us to start with,

and every time I heard someone's name called,

I would give out the heartiest cheer.

And then there were 20 people left,

and 10 people left,

and five left ...

and three left.

And I was one of them.

And the compliments stopped.

Well, at that moment, I was crying.

And the teacher was freaking out.

She was like, "Hey, would anyone say anything nice about these people?"

(Laughter)

"No one? OK, why don't you go get your gift and sit down.

So behave next year --

someone might say something nice about you."

(Laughter)

Well, as I'm describing this you,

you probably know I remember this really well.

(Laughter)

But I don't know who felt worse that day.

Was it me or the teacher?

She must have realized that she turned a team-building event

into a public roast for three six-year-olds.

And without the humor.

You know, when you see people get roasted on TV,

it was funny.

There was nothing funny about that day.

So that was one version of me,

and I would die to avoid being in that situation again --

to get rejected in public again.

That's one version.

Then fast-forward eight years.

Bill Gates came to my hometown --

Beijing, China --

to speak,

and I saw his message.

I fell in love with that guy.

I thought, wow, I know what I want to do now.

That night I wrote a letter to my family

telling them: "By age 25,

I will build the biggest company in the world,

and that company will buy Microsoft."

(Laughter)

I totally embraced this idea of conquering the world --

domination, right?

And I didn't make this up, I did write that letter.

And here it is --

(Laughter)

You don't have to read this through --

(Laughter)

This is also bad handwriting, but I did highlight some key words.

You get the idea.

(Laughter)

So ...

that was another version of me:

one who will conquer the world.

Well, then two years later,

I was presented with the opportunity to come to the United States.

I jumped on it,

because that was where Bill Gates lived, right?

(Laughter)

I thought that was the start of my entrepreneur journey.

Then, fast-forward another 14 years.

I was 30.

Nope, I didn't build that company.

I didn't even start.

I was actually a marketing manager for a Fortune 500 company.

And I felt I was stuck;

I was stagnant.

Why is that?

Where is that 14-year-old who wrote that letter?

It's not because he didn't try.

It's because every time I had a new idea,

every time I wanted to try something new,

even at work --

I wanted to make a proposal,

I wanted to speak up in front of people in a group --

I felt there was this constant battle

between the 14-year-old and the six-year-old.

One wanted to conquer the world --

make a difference --

another was afraid of rejection.

And every time that six-year-old won.

And this fear even persisted after I started my own company.

I mean, I started my own company when I was 30 --

if you want to be Bill Gates,

you've got to start sooner or later, right?

When I was an entrepreneur,

I was presented with an investment opportunity,

and then I was turned down.

And that rejection hurt me.

It hurt me so bad that I wanted to quit right there.

But then I thought,

hey, would Bill Gates quit after a simple investment rejection?

Would any successful entrepreneur quit like that?

No way.

And this is where it clicked for me.

OK, I can build a better company.

I can build a better team or better product,

but one thing for sure:

I've got to be a better leader.

I've got to be a better person.

I cannot let that six-year-old keep dictating my life anymore.

I have to put him back in his place.

So this is where I went online and looked for help.

Google was my friend.

(Laughter)

I searched, "How do I overcome the fear of rejection?"

I came up with a bunch of psychology articles

about where the fear and pain are coming from.

Then I came up with a bunch of "rah-rah" inspirational articles

about "Don't take it personally, just overcome it."

Who doesn't know that?

(Laughter)

But why was I still so scared?

Then I found this website by luck.

It's called rejectiontherapy.com.

(Laughter)

"Rejection Therapy" was this game invented by this Canadian entrepreneur.

His name is Jason Comely.

And basically the idea is for 30 days you go out and look for rejection,

and every day get rejected at something,

and then by the end, you desensitize yourself from the pain.

And I loved that idea.

(Laughter)

I said, "You know what? I'm going to do this.

And I'll feel myself getting rejected 100 days."

And I came up with my own rejection ideas,

and I made a video blog out of it.

And so here's what I did.

This is what the blog looked like.

Day One ...

(Laughter)

Borrow 100 dollars from a stranger.

So this is where I went to where I was working.

I came downstairs

and I saw this big guy sitting behind a desk.

He looked like a security guard.

So I just approached him.

And I was just walking

and that was the longest walk of my life --

hair on the back of my neck standing up,

I was sweating and my heart was pounding.

And I got there and said,

"Hey, sir, can I borrow 100 dollars from you?"

(Laughter)

And he looked up, he's like, "No."

"Why?"

And I just said, "No? I'm sorry."

Then I turned around, and I just ran.

(Laughter)

I felt so embarrassed.

But because I filmed myself --

so that night I was watching myself getting rejected,

I just saw how scared I was.

I looked like this kid in "The Sixth Sense."

I saw dead people.

(Laughter)

But then I saw this guy.

You know, he wasn't that menacing.

He was a chubby, loveable guy,

and he even asked me, "Why?"

In fact, he invited me to explain myself.

And I could've said many things.

I could've explained, I could've negotiated.

I didn't do any of that.

All I did was run.

I felt, wow, this is like a microcosm of my life.

Every time I felt the slightest rejection,

I would just run as fast as I could.

And you know what?

The next day, no matter what happens,

I'm not going to run.

I'll stay engaged.

Day Two: Request a "burger refill."

(Laughter)

It's when I went to a burger joint,

I finished lunch, and I went to the cashier and said,

"Hi, can I get a burger refill?"

(Laughter)

He was all confused, like, "What's a burger refill?"

(Laughter)

I said, "Well, it's just like a drink refill but with a burger."

And he said, "Sorry, we don't do burger refill, man."

(Laughter)

So this is where rejection happened and I could have run, but I stayed.

I said, "Well, I love your burgers,

I love your joint,

and if you guys do a burger refill,

I will love you guys more."

(Laughter)

And he said, "Well, OK, I'll tell my manager about it,

and maybe we'll do it, but sorry, we can't do this today."

Then I left.

And by the way,

I don't think they've ever done burger refill.

(Laughter)

I think they're still there.

But the life and death feeling I was feeling the first time

was no longer there,

just because I stayed engaged --

because I didn't run.

I said, "Wow, great, I'm already learning things.

Great."

And then Day Three: Getting Olympic Doughnuts.

This is where my life was turned upside down.

I went to a Krispy Kreme.

It's a doughnut shop

in mainly the Southeastern part of the United States.

I'm sure they have some here, too.

And I went in,

I said, "Can you make me doughnuts that look like Olympic symbols?

Basically, you interlink five doughnuts together ... "

I mean there's no way they could say yes, right?

The doughnut maker took me so seriously.

(Laughter)

So she put out paper,

started jotting down the colors and the rings,

and is like, "How can I make this?"

And then 15 minutes later,

she came out with a box that looked like Olympic rings.

And I was so touched.

I just couldn't believe it.

And that video got over five million views on Youtube.

The world couldn't believe that either.

(Laughter)

You know, because of that I was in newspapers,

in talk shows, in everything.

And I became famous.

A lot of people started writing emails to me

and saying, "What you're doing is awesome."

But you know, fame and notoriety did not do anything to me.

What I really wanted to do was learn,

and to change myself.

So I turned the rest of my 100 days of rejection

into this playground --

into this research project.

I wanted to see what I could learn.

And then I learned a lot of things.

I discovered so many secrets.

For example, I found if I just don't run,

if I got rejected,

I could actually turn a "no" into a "yes,"

and the magic word is, "why."

So one day I went to a stranger's house, I had this flower in my hand,

knocked on the door and said,

"Hey, can I plant this flower in your backyard?"

(Laughter)

And he said, "No."

But before he could leave I said,

"Hey, can I know why?"

And he said, "Well, I have this dog

that would dig up anything I put in the backyard.

I don't want to waste your flower.

If you want to do this, go across the street and talk to Connie.

She loves flowers."

So that's what I did.

I went across and knocked on Connie's door.

And she was so happy to see me.

(Laughter)

And then half an hour later,

there was this flower in Connie's backyard.

I'm sure it looks better now.

(Laughter)

But had I left after the initial rejection,

I would've thought,

well, it's because the guy didn't trust me,

it's because I was crazy,

because I didn't dress up well, I didn't look good.

It was none of those.

It was because what I offered did not fit what he wanted.

And he trusted me enough to offer me a referral,

using a sales term.

I converted a referral.

Then one day --

and I also learned that I can actually say certain things

and maximize my chance to get a yes.

So for example, one day I went to a Starbucks,

and asked the manager, "Hey, can I be a Starbucks greeter?"

He was like, "What's a Starbucks greeter?"

I said, "Do you know those Walmart greeters?

You know, those people who say 'hi' to you before you walk in the store,

and make sure you don't steal stuff, basically?

I want to give a Walmart experience to Starbucks customers."

(Laughter)

Well, I'm not sure that's a good thing, actually --

Actually, I'm pretty sure it's a bad thing.

And he was like, "Oh" --

yeah, this is how he looked, his name is Eric --

and he was like, "I'm not sure."

This is how he was hearing me. "Not sure."

Then I ask him, "Is that weird?"

He's like, "Yeah, it's really weird, man."

But as soon as he said that, his whole demeanor changed.

It's as if he's putting all the doubt on the floor.

And he said, "Yeah, you can do this,

just don't get too weird."

(Laughter)

So for the next hour I was the Starbucks greeter.

I said "hi" to every customer that walked in,

and gave them holiday cheers.

By the way, I don't know what your career trajectory is,

don't be a greeter.

(Laughter)

It was really boring.

But then I found I could do this because I mentioned, "Is that weird?"

I mentioned the doubt that he was having.

And because I mentioned, "Is that weird?", that means I wasn't weird.

That means I was actually thinking just like him,

seeing this as a weird thing.

And again, and again,

I learned that if I mention some doubt people might have

before I ask the question,

I gained their trust.

People were more likely to say yes to me.

And then I learned I could fulfill my life dream ...

by asking.

You know, I came from four generations of teachers,

and my grandma has always told me,

"Hey Jia, you can do anything you want,

but it'd be great if you became a teacher."

(Laughter)

But I wanted to be an entrepreneur, so I didn't.

But it has always been my dream to actually teach something.

So I said, "What if I just ask

and teach a college class?"

I lived in Austin at the time,

so I went to University of Texas at Austin

and knocked on professors' doors and said, "Can I teach your class?"

I didn't get anywhere the first couple of times.

But because I didn't run -- I kept doing it --

and on the third try the professor was very impressed.

He was like, "No one has done this before."

And I came in prepared with powerpoints and my lesson.

He said, "Wow, I can use this.

Why don't you come back in two months? I'll fit you in my curriculum."

And two months later I was teaching a class.

This is me -- you probably can't see, this is a bad picture.

You know, sometimes you get rejected by lighting, you know?

(Laughter)

But wow --

when I finished teaching that class, I walked out crying,

because I thought

I could fulfill my life dream just by simply asking.

I used to think I have to accomplish all these things --

have to be a great entrepreneur, or get a PhD to teach --

but no, I just asked,

and I could teach.

And in that picture, which you can't see,

I quoted Martin Luther King, Jr.

Why? Because in my research I found that people who really change the world,

who change the way we live and the way we think,

are the people who were met with initial and often violent rejections.

People like Martin Luther King, Jr.,

like Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela,

or even Jesus Christ.

These people did not let rejection define them.

They let their own reaction after rejection define themselves.

And they embraced rejection.

And we don't have to be those people to learn about rejection,

and in my case,

rejection was my curse,

was my boogeyman.

It has bothered me my whole life because I was running away from it.

Then I started embracing it.

I turned that into the biggest gift in my life.

I started teaching people how to turn rejections into opportunities.

I use my blog, I use my talk,

I use the book I just published,

and I'm even building technology to help people overcome their fear of rejection.

When you get rejected in life,

when you are facing the next obstacle

or next failure,

consider the possibilities.

Don't run.

If you just embrace them,

they might become your gifts as well.

Thank you.

(Applause)