Why WOMEN DON'T APOLOGIZE: understanding the nature of the problem

Summary

In this talk, Dr. Orion Taraban explores the reluctance of women to apologize, noting his personal experience of receiving few apologies in his life. He discusses the gender perspective differences on what constitutes a problem and suggests that women often focus on changing the emotional response rather than acknowledging fault. He uses an anecdote to illustrate how some women might use sex as an alternative to apology, and concludes by advising women to consider apologizing as a way to earn respect and stand out positively among their peers.

Takeaways

• 😶 The speaker, Dr. Orion Taraban, notes that he rarely receives apologies from women, suggesting a general difficulty for women to apologize for bad behavior.
• 🤔 Apologizing for mistakes is considered an easy way to gain forgiveness and improve relationships, yet it seems to be underutilized by women.
• 🧐 The speaker suggests that apologies matter more to men, and using words to solve relationship problems is an inexpensive solution.
• 🚫 He advises women not to apologize when there's no wrongdoing, but to stand by their actions when appropriate.
• 👉 The script discusses the difference in perspectives between men and women on what constitutes a problem in a relationship.
• 💢 From a male perspective, the problem is the behavior for which the woman is at fault, leading to the man's emotional response.
• 😤 Conversely, from a female perspective, the problem is the man's anger and upset, with the solution being to change his emotional state rather than addressing the behavior.
• 🍽️ Women often use emotional coping strategies like kindness, humor, or time to alleviate a man's anger instead of offering an apology.
• 🛌 The speaker recounts a personal anecdote where a woman used sex as a means to avoid apologizing, which he found disrespectful.
• 🙅‍♀️ He discourages expecting apologies from women and encourages women to consider apologizing when appropriate to stand out and earn respect.
• 💌 The speaker ends by inviting listeners to share their experiences and thoughts in the comments section.

Q & A

What is the main topic of Dr. Orion Taraban's talk in the transcript?

The main topic of Dr. Orion Taraban's talk is why women find it difficult to apologize.

According to Dr. Taraban, why does apologizing matter more to men?

Dr. Taraban suggests that apologies matter more to men because using words to solve a relationship problem is an easy and inexpensive solution, and men respect people who take responsibility for themselves.

What is the 'interpersonal slam dunk' mentioned by Dr. Taraban?

The 'interpersonal slam dunk' refers to the act of apologizing for something one has done wrong, which Dr. Taraban says is almost universally forgivable and can resolve conflicts effectively.

How does Dr. Taraban describe the typical male perspective on what constitutes a problem in a relationship?

From a male perspective, the problem is the behavior for which the man believes the woman is at fault, leading to his anger and upset. The solution, in his view, is acknowledgment of fault and behavioral change.

What is the female perspective on the problem as outlined by Dr. Taraban?

From a female perspective, the problem is not the behavior itself but the man's emotional response, such as anger or upset. The solution, from this viewpoint, is to change the man's emotional state rather than addressing the behavior.

What are some emotional coping strategies women might use instead of apologizing, as described by Dr. Taraban?

Instead of apologizing, women might use strategies like trying to cheer up the man, making his favorite meal, sending a funny meme, or allowing time to pass for emotions to subside.

Why does Dr. Taraban suggest that women should consider apologizing when appropriate?

Dr. Taraban encourages women to consider apologizing when appropriate because it can quickly distinguish them in a positive manner in the mind of a man and increase his estimation of them.

What example does Dr. Taraban provide to illustrate how women might use sex as an apology?

Dr. Taraban recounts an incident where a woman he was dating offered sex after an argument, seemingly as a peace offering to assuage his hurt feelings rather than apologizing for her behavior.

What was Dr. Taraban's reaction to the woman's attempt to use sex as an apology in the example he provided?

Dr. Taraban lost respect for the woman because her behavior implied that a distraction like sex could make the issue go away without addressing the problem, so he chose to sleep on the couch in another room.

What advice does Dr. Taraban give to men who might be expecting an apology from a woman?

Dr. Taraban advises men not to hold their breath if they are expecting an apology from a woman, implying that it might not be forthcoming.

Outlines

00:00

🙅‍♀️ The Reluctance of Women to Apologize

Dr. Orion Taraban discusses the phenomenon of women's difficulty in apologizing, using personal anecdotes to illustrate the point. He suggests that women may find it hard to admit wrongdoing, which he attributes to two main reasons. First, he posits that apologizing is an effective interpersonal tool that can resolve conflicts, as most people are willing to forgive mistakes. Second, he notes that apologies are particularly significant to men, who value verbal solutions to relationship issues. He advises women to consider apologizing when appropriate to earn respect and distinguish themselves positively in the eyes of men.

05:01

🤔 Perspectives on Apologizing: Gender Differences

This paragraph delves into the different perspectives men and women have on what constitutes a problem in a relationship. Men tend to view the problematic behavior and the subsequent emotional response as separate issues, with the solution being acknowledgment of fault and behavioral change. Women, on the other hand, may see the man's anger or upset as the problem itself, focusing on changing his emotional state rather than addressing the behavior. Dr. Taraban provides examples of emotional coping strategies women might use, such as trying to cheer up the man or using humor, to avoid direct confrontation or apology. He also recounts a personal experience where a woman used sex as a means to defuse a situation instead of apologizing, which he found disrespectful and indicative of a lack of accountability.

Keywords

💡Apologize

To 'apologize' is to express regret or remorse for a mistake or wrongdoing. In the context of the video, it is suggested that women often find it difficult to apologize for bad behavior. The speaker notes that apologizing can be an effective way to resolve interpersonal conflicts and is particularly significant to men, who may value direct acknowledgment of fault and a commitment to change.

💡Interpersonal Slam Dunk

The term 'interpersonal slam dunk' is used metaphorically to describe an action that is almost guaranteed to be successful in social interactions. In the video, it is stated that apologizing for something you did wrong is like an 'interpersonal slam dunk' because it is a gesture that is likely to be met with forgiveness and can strengthen relationships.

💡Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the act of pardoning or ceasing to hold a grudge against someone for a perceived wrong. The video discusses how forgiveness is often extended when someone apologizes, especially if it affirms the other person's perspective or rights a perceived wrong.

💡Behavioral Change

Behavioral change refers to the modification of one's actions or habits. The script implies that from a man's perspective, the solution to a problem is often seen as acknowledging fault and committing to behavioral change, which is tied to the expectation of an apology.

💡Emotional Coping Strategies

Emotional coping strategies are methods used to manage or alleviate emotional distress. The video describes how women might use such strategies, like cheering someone up or sending a funny meme, instead of directly apologizing. These are seen as ways to change the emotional state of the other person rather than addressing the behavior that caused the upset.

💡Accountability

Accountability is the state of being responsible for one's actions or decisions. The video suggests that men often expect accountability through an apology, which involves acknowledging a mistake and expressing a commitment to not repeat it.

💡Sex as a Peace Offering

In the video, the speaker recounts an anecdote where sex was used as a 'peace offering' instead of an apology. This highlights a situation where a woman might attempt to resolve conflict through physical intimacy rather than addressing the issue directly.

💡Respect

Respect in this context refers to the feeling of deep admiration for someone's abilities, qualities, or achievements. The video argues that men respect those who take responsibility for their actions, suggesting that a woman who apologizes appropriately can earn respect.

💡Estimation

Estimation in the video refers to the evaluation or opinion one has of someone. The speaker suggests that a woman's estimation in a man's mind can increase if she apologizes when it is warranted, as it sets her apart from others who might not take responsibility for their actions.

💡Disproportionate Intensity

Disproportionate intensity refers to an emotional response that is excessively strong relative to the situation that caused it. The video uses this term to describe a scenario where a woman reacted with intense emotion to a comment, leading to a discussion on how such situations are often handled without a direct apology.

Highlights

Dr. Orion taraban discusses the rarity of receiving apologies from women.

Apologizing is likened to an 'interpersonal slam dunk', suggesting it's a universally accepted gesture.

The importance of apologies in relationships is emphasized, especially for men.

The suggestion that women find it hard to apologize for bad behavior is presented.

The perspective that women view the man's anger as the problem, not the behavior itself, is introduced.

The concept of 'no harm, no foul' is used to explain a woman's perspective on apologies.

Emotional coping strategies women use instead of apologies are outlined.

The use of sex as an apology strategy by women is discussed with a personal anecdote.

The loss of respect when a woman uses sex instead of an apology is highlighted.

Encouragement for women to consider apologizing when appropriate is given.

The idea that men respect those who take responsibility is presented.

A call to action for women to distinguish themselves by apologizing is made.

The guarantee that a man's estimation of a woman will increase if she apologizes is stated.

An invitation for listeners to share their experiences related to the topic is extended.

The episode concludes with a thank you to the listeners.

Transcripts

I'm Dr Orion taraban and this is cycax

Better Living Through psychology and the

topic of today's short talk is why women

don't apologize I am 40 years old and I

think I can count on one hand

the number of apologies I've received

from women in my life

and that does not mean that I've only

had relationships with honest

well-behaving high integrity women over

the past four decades what it does mean

is that women seem to find it very hard

to apologize for bad behavior and this

is too bad for two reasons in the first

place apologizing for something you did

wrong is like an interpersonal slam dunk

almost everybody will forgive you for

being wrong not everybody will forgive

you for being right

but almost everybody will forgive you

for being wrong especially if it means

that it makes the other person right and

in the second place apologies just seem

to matter more to men and using words to

solve a relationship problem is actually

a very easy and inexpensive solution all

things being equal

so ladies one of the best ways to earn

respect and raise your estimation in

someone else's mind is to admit

wrongdoing when it's appropriate and of

course to not apologize where there was

no wrongdoing and the other person just

disagrees or disapproves of your actions

check out my episode if you've done

nothing wrong don't apologize for the

flip side of this talk

today I'm going to talk about why it is

so hard for women to apologize but

before I do please remember to like this

episode And subscribe to this channel it

takes less than a second costs you

nothing and it's a great way to help

spread this message so if you like what

you're hearing then please do the thing

and if you're thinking about going to

grad school then be sure to check out my

GRE self-study product at Stellar

gre.com you can use the code psych for

10 off all membership plans

now the reason why it is so hard for

women to apologize

is that there seems to be a difference

in what men and women consider to be the

problem

from a man's perspective the problem is

some behavior for which he believes the

woman to be at fault and as a

consequence of that behavior he is now

angry and upset

the behavior is the problem and the

emotional response is the consequence

and in his mind the solution to this

problem is acknowledgment of fault and

behavioral change

and I don't think that's how a lot of

women see it from a woman's perspective

the problem is not the identified

Behavior the problem

is that the man is angry and upset

and as ridiculous as that might seem to

a man there's actually some validity to

this perspective like in a court of law

a breach of contract by itself is

generally not actionable you have to

also prove that some harm resulted as a

consequence of the breach no harm no

foul so it's the harm the anger and

upset that is the foul from this

perspective and in her mind the solution

to this problem is changing the way he

feels

if she can succeed in modifying the

man's emotional response then on some

level that would solve the problem

and that's why you encounter the kind of

interpersonal strategies that you do

with women in relationships under these

circumstances rather than apologies and

accountability you typically see a

number of emotional coping strategies

like trying to cheer you up or making

your favorite meal or sending you a

funny meme or simply allowing enough

time to pass for everything to blow over

all of these are strategies to reduce

the man's felt experience of anger or

upset do you understand

women also notoriously use sex in this

manner

many years ago I was out for a drink

with a woman I was dating and she

decided to take something that I said

very much the wrong way she quickly

escalated and within seconds was crying

and critical and withdrawn it was fairly

early in the dating process so I was

taken aback by how quickly this had

escalated however as is my way I didn't

argue with her and gave her some time

and space to emotionally equilibrate

later that night rather than apologizing

for imputing to me something that I

didn't intend or owning up to the

disproportionate intensity of her

emotional reaction or even acknowledging

the episode at all she just came into

the room took off all her clothes and

kind of laid herself in front of me

the feeling I had was that she was

offering sex as a kind of peace offering

to assuage my hurt feelings rather than

apologizing for her bad behavior and in

that moment I unfortunately lost a lot

of respect for this person

because of what her behavior seemed to

imply that if I could be distracted with

a bit of sex then we could all just move

forward as if what just happened didn't

happen

and I got up and slept on the couch in

another room that's an example of how

women apologize with sex

so men if you're expecting an apology

from your woman

I would advise you not to hold your

breath on the other hand ladies I would

highly encourage you to consider

apologizing when appropriate why because

men respect people who take

responsibility for themselves and Men

very rarely receive apologies from women

so this is an easy way that costs you

nothing to quickly distinguish yourself

from the vast majority of other women in

a positive manner in the mind of a

particular man

I guarantee that his estimation of you

will increase as a result

what do you think does this square with

your experience of things let me know in

the comments below and thank you for

listening