6 Negative Stories You Tell Yourself And How To Change Them

Summary

In this insightful video, Dr. Tracy Marks delves into the concept of emotional programming, exploring how early life experiences shape our thoughts and behaviors in adulthood. She discusses six common negative stories individuals often tell themselves, stemming from emotional imprints like abandonment, dependence, unworthiness, disconnection, mistrust, and failure. Dr. Marks provides strategies to deconstruct and reframe these distorted narratives, emphasizing the importance of recognizing patterns, challenging cognitive distortions, practicing vulnerability, and engaging in self-soothing activities to break free from emotional programming and cultivate a healthier mindset.

Takeaways

• 😀 Our early life experiences shape our thoughts and emotional patterns (schemas) in adulthood.
• 😔 Negative experiences can create a 'hole' in our emotional cup, leading to distorted self-beliefs.
• 🚫 Six common negative self-stories: abandonment, dependency, unworthiness, disconnection, mistrust, and failure.
• 🔍 Deconstructing these stories involves identifying their origins, challenging unrealistic expectations, and practicing vulnerability.
• 🧠 Our negative self-talk often stems from internalizing others' voices and projecting past hurts onto present situations.
• 🌳 Building self-esteem, emotional resilience, and self-soothing skills can counteract negative programming.
• ✍️ Journaling helps recognize thought patterns and separate emotions from reality (emotional reasoning).
• 💬 Improving communication and allowing vulnerability can foster deeper connections and combat loneliness.
• 🌈 Positive emotions and coping statements can interrupt negative rumination cycles.
• 🔑 The key is awareness: recognizing negative schemas is the first step towards reshaping them.

Q & A

What is emotional programming, and how does it develop?

Emotional programming refers to the imprint of positive and negative experiences from early life that carries over into adulthood. It develops from interactions with parents, siblings, and others, shaping the way we think and interact in the present day.

What are the six types of negative emotional programming stories discussed in the video?

The six types of negative emotional programming stories discussed are: 1) Abandonment Story, 2) Dependent Story, 3) Unworthy Story, 4) Disconnection Story, 5) Mistrust Story, and 6) Failure Story.

How does the Abandonment Story manifest itself, and what are some ways to deconstruct it?

The Abandonment Story involves beliefs like 'people don't really care about me' or 'I'm destined to end up alone.' To deconstruct it, one can examine unrealistic relationship expectations, practice vulnerability, and work on developing trust in relationships.

What is the Dependent Story, and how can one challenge it?

The Dependent Story involves thoughts like 'I can't cope with being alone' or 'I need someone to take care of me.' To challenge it, one can gradually take on more responsibilities, challenge themselves outside their comfort zone, and learn to enjoy solitude more.

How does the Unworthy Story develop, and what are some ways to deconstruct it?

The Unworthy Story can develop from feeling like one could never measure up to high standards or constant criticism. To deconstruct it, one can identify whose voices they hear when they say negative things about themselves and recognize that those voices represent others' issues, not their own.

What is the Disconnection Story, and how can one feel more connected to others?

The Disconnection Story involves thoughts like 'No one understands me' or 'I rarely feel close to people.' To feel more connected, one can take small steps to open up, improve the quality of conversations, and avoid exaggerating differences between oneself and others.

How does the Mistrust Story manifest itself, and what are some ways to deconstruct it?

The Mistrust Story involves beliefs like 'Most people will use or hurt you' or 'You need to stay on guard.' To deconstruct it, one can acknowledge instances of trustworthiness, avoid projecting past experiences onto present situations, and challenge pessimistic thinking patterns.

What is the Failure Story, and how can one challenge it?

The Failure Story involves thoughts like 'There's no point in trying because I'm just gonna fail' or 'I never seem to get things right.' To challenge it, one can consider what they would say to a friend in a similar situation, identify whose voice they hear when they think negatively, and work on building self-esteem.

What is emotional reasoning, and how does it contribute to negative emotional programming stories?

Emotional reasoning is a thinking pattern where one's emotions are interpreted as reflecting reality, even when they may be triggered by past experiences or unrelated thoughts. This can contribute to negative emotional programming stories by causing misinterpretations of current situations based on those emotions.

What are some suggested coping strategies or techniques mentioned in the video for breaking past negative emotional programming?

Some suggested coping strategies mentioned include journaling, engaging in self-soothing activities, using positive coping statements like 'My past doesn't define me,' and practicing grounding techniques (to be covered in a future video).

Outlines

00:00

👩‍⚕️ Understanding Emotional Programming

This paragraph introduces the concept of emotional programming, which refers to the impact of early life experiences on an individual's emotional development and thought patterns. It explains how positive and negative experiences shape one's emotional state, leading to either a fulfilling emotional cup or a depleted one. The paragraph highlights that negative emotional programming can result in maladaptive schemas or distorted stories that guide behavior and outlook on life.

05:00

😔 Six Types of Negative Stories

This paragraph outlines six types of negative stories that individuals with negative emotional programming can believe and allow to guide their behavior. These stories include the abandonment story, the dependent story, the unworthy story, the disconnection story, the mistrust story, and the failure story. Each story is explained with examples of self-talk and suggestions for deconstructing and challenging these thought patterns.

10:03

🧠 Overcoming Negative Emotional Programming

The final paragraph emphasizes the importance of recognizing negative emotional programming patterns and suggests journaling as a useful way to deconstruct and fine-tune thoughts. It highlights the concept of emotional reasoning, a cognitive distortion where emotions are mistaken for reality, and provides coping statements to help break free from negative stories. The paragraph concludes by promising future videos on distraction techniques, self-soothing activities, and grounding techniques to further support the process of overcoming negative emotional programming.

Keywords

💡Emotional programming

Emotional programming refers to the lasting imprint or impact that early life experiences, particularly with parents, siblings, and other significant people, have on an individual's emotional development and thought patterns. According to the video, these experiences shape the way we interact and view the world as adults. The script states, 'Your early life experiences with your parents, siblings, and other people in your life, leave an imprint on you, that carries over into your adult life.'

💡Maladaptive schema

Maladaptive schema, also referred to as 'negative emotional programming' in the video, are distorted or negative stories that individuals tell themselves due to their emotional experiences and programming. These stories can create negative thought patterns and beliefs that guide behavior. The script explains, 'You develop what's called maladaptive schema, in dialectical behavior therapy terms, but I'm gonna call it negative emotional programming, that creates these distorted stories that you tell yourself.'

💡Abandonment story

The abandonment story is a type of negative emotional programming where individuals believe that they will inevitably be abandoned or left alone, often stemming from early experiences of coldness, distance, or criticism from caregivers or significant others. The script provides examples of this story, such as 'People don't really care about me,' 'No matter how good things seem, it never lasts,' and 'I'm destined to end up alone.'

💡Dependent story

The dependent story is a form of negative emotional programming where individuals believe they cannot cope or function independently due to experiences of being overprotected or not allowed to make decisions or learn from mistakes in their early life. This story can manifest in thoughts like 'I can't cope with being alone,' 'I can't trust my own judgment,' and 'I need someone to take care of me and to make me happy,' as stated in the script.

💡Unworthy story

The unworthy story is a negative emotional programming that instills a sense of inadequacy or unworthiness in individuals, often stemming from experiences of being constantly criticized, compared to others, or having to meet unrealistically high standards. This story can lead to thoughts such as 'I'm flawed,' 'I'm unlovable,' and 'I'm damaged,' as mentioned in the video script.

💡Disconnection story

The disconnection story is a form of negative emotional programming that creates a belief or feeling of being disconnected from others, often as a defense mechanism to avoid being hurt. This story can manifest in thoughts like 'No one understands me,' 'I rarely feel close to people,' and 'I feel like there's an invisible barrier between me and other people,' as stated in the script. It can also lead to behaviors such as keeping emotional distance in relationships or focusing on others' flaws.

💡Mistrust story

The mistrust story is a negative emotional programming that develops a deep-seated belief that no one has the individual's best interests in mind, often stemming from traumatic experiences or neglect. This story can manifest in thoughts such as 'Most people will use or hurt you,' 'You need to stay on guard to protect yourself,' and 'People only do or think nice things when they wanna get something out of it,' as mentioned in the script. It can also lead to behaviors like questioning loyalty or tolerating unacceptable behavior in relationships.

💡Failure story

The failure story is a form of negative emotional programming where individuals believe they are destined to fail or are inadequate, often due to a series of failures or inadequacies that were not balanced with appropriate validation or support. This story can manifest in thoughts like 'There's no point in trying because I'm just gonna fail,' 'I never seem to get things right,' and 'What if people realize I'm not as good as they think I am?' as stated in the script. It can also lead to behaviors such as avoiding opportunities or self-sabotaging efforts.

💡Emotional reasoning

Emotional reasoning is a cognitive distortion or thinking pattern where individuals interpret their emotions as reflecting reality, even when those emotions may be based on past experiences or unconscious thoughts. The video explains, 'Emotional reasoning is a thinking pattern, called a cognitive distortion where your mind tells you, that your emotions reflect reality.' It provides examples such as 'I feel scared so I must be in danger' or 'I feel guilty so I must have done something wrong.'

💡Self-soothing

Self-soothing refers to activities or techniques that individuals can use to generate positive emotions and help break the cycle of ruminating on negative emotional programming or stories. The video suggests engaging in self-soothing activities and using coping statements like 'My past doesn't define me,' 'My emotion does not reflect my reality,' and 'Whatever happens, I'll handle it' to counteract negative thought patterns.

Highlights

Your early life experiences with your parents, siblings, and other people in your life, leave an imprint on you, that carries over into your adult life.

If you have enough positive experiences, to fill your emotional cup, you can process the negative experiences, and compartmentalize them in a way, that they don't dictate every aspect of your adult life.

If the sum total of your experiences were negative, or you had some early traumatic experiences, that disrupted your emotional development, your imprint becomes predominantly negative, and affects the way that you interact in the present day.

You develop what's called maladaptive schema, in dialectical behavior therapy terms, but I'm gonna call it negative emotional programming, that creates these distorted stories that you tell yourself.

Number one is the abandonment story. This tends to develop from early experiences, with people who were cold, distant, or critical.

Next is the dependent story. You can develop this story from early experiences, of being overprotected in a way that didn't allow you, to take appropriate risks and learn from your mistakes.

Number three is the unworthy story. You can develop this kind of thinking, if you felt the standards you had to meet were so high, that you could never measure up.

The next story you can tell yourself, is the disconnection story. This could develop from having insecurities about yourself, not having your feelings validated, but it can also be a part of your personality style, just not to be very open with people.

The fifth story is the mistrust story. This story can develop from a deep seated belief, that there's no one looking out for your best interest.

The last story is the failure story. And there's lots of reasons, you can believe this about yourself.

Do any of these negative stories resonate with you? You can can break past your emotional programming.

The first step is recognizing these patterns, and a useful way to work on deconstructing the thoughts, is to write down things in a journal.

An important thing to remember here though is, emotional reasoning drives many of these stories.

So another way to process some of these negative stories, is to engage in self-soothing activity, so that you can generate some positive emotions.

A couple of examples of coping statements are; My past doesn't define me. My emotion does not reflect my reality. Whatever happens, I'll handle it.

Transcripts

Hi, I'm Dr.Tracy Marks, a psychiatrist,

and I make mental health education videos.

Today I'm talking about emotional programming,

what it looks like and what it does to your thinking.

Your early life experiences with your parents,

siblings, and other people in your life,

leave an imprint on you

that carries over into your adult life.

No one's life is perfect because we're all imperfect people

and make mistakes.

We say the wrong things,

don't do enough of the right things, et cetera.

So the imprint that you're left with

is a mixture of positive and negative experiences.

If you have enough positive experiences

to fill your emotional cup,

you can process the negative experiences

and compartmentalize them in a way

that they don't dictate every aspect of your adult life.

The negative experiences have their place.

It's not like you can't remember them,

but you're able to shake them off and keep moving.

If the sum total of your experiences were negative,

or you had some early traumatic experiences

that disrupted your emotional development,

your imprint becomes predominantly negative

and affects the way that you interact in the present day.

So when instead of having an emotional cup

that's full most of the time, or is easy to refill,

you have a hole in the bottom of your cup

and you can't keep it full and it keeps getting depleted.

So how does this affect your thoughts

and outlook on the world?

You develop what's called maladaptive schema

in dialectical behavior therapy terms,

but I'm gonna call it negative emotional programming

that creates these distorted stories that you tell yourself.

These stories keep building and strengthening

when your emotional cup gets depleted

and you're working hard to fill it back up.

So here are six types of negative stories

that you can come to believe and let guide your behavior.

Number one is the abandonment story.

This tends to develop from early experiences

with people who were cold, distant, or critical.

And likewise,

you tend to end up in relationships with a similar dynamic,

with people who are treating you similarly.

With this story,

you say things like people don't really care about me.

No matter how good things seem, it never lasts.

I'm destined to end up alone.

I worry about people I care about leaving or dying.

Ways to deconstruct and think through this

is to ask yourself,

do you have unrealistic expectations

of how relationships should be?

In what ways could you practice being vulnerable

so that you can open yourself up

to experiencing more joy in relationships?

How can you focus on developing more trust

in a relationship?

Because of your early experience,

your reflexive reaction is to close down

and protect yourself from being hurt.

So to work past that,

you have to allow yourself to be more vulnerable.

And what does that look like?

I talk about being more emotionally vulnerable

in relationships in this video on using conversation

to create intimacy and combat loneliness.

Next is the dependent story.

You can develop this story from early experiences

of being overprotected in a way that didn't allow you

to take appropriate risks and learn from your mistakes.

If you were blocked from making your own decisions

and not being allowed to fall down,

you don't learn how to stand back up and be resilient.

So you can say things like, I can't cope with being alone.

I can't trust my own judgment.

I need someone to take care of me and to make me happy.

Life is too overwhelming to cope with on my own.

To deconstruct this, ask yourself,

what are some small ways that you can challenge yourself

to do something outside of your company zone?

How can you gradually build taking on more responsibilities?

What can you do to enjoy your solitude more?

You need to learn to be more comfortable with yourself

so that you can be able to sooth yourself

and break away from this pattern of being too dependent

on someone else to meet your needs.

Number three is the unworthy story.

You can develop this kind of thinking

if you felt the standards you had to meet were so high

that you could never measure up.

Or if you felt constantly criticized or compared to others.

Some of the things that you may say to yourself are;

I'm flawed. I'm unlovable. I'm damaged. I'm less than.

Ways to deconstruct and to think through this

are to ask yourself,

whose voices do you hear

when you say these things to yourself?

If you didn't hear someone say this,

what scenario do you envision

where you were left feeling this way?

For example, a parent pushing you to always do better,

can leave you feeling like you're not good enough.

Once you recognize whose voice this represents,

think about how that voice was really an expression

of their own issues.

So you have a flawed person leaving an imprint on you

of being flawed.

Once you make that connection,

you can start the process of tearing down the facade.

If you saw the movie, The Truman Show,

it was about a man who was raised on television

in a television studio, and his entire life was staged.

That's how you can see the negative emotional programming

that you live with.

The negative things that you believe about yourself

are based on other negative beliefs

that someone else passed onto you.

And by the way, this is not always about your parents.

Children can do a lot of damage to other children.

They can also perpetuate an insecurity

that you have about yourself.

The next story you can tell yourself

is the disconnection story.

This could develop from having insecurities about yourself,

not having your feelings validated,

but it can also be a part of your personality style

just not to be very open with people.

Behaviorally, this can look like keeping yourself

in an arms distance in relationships

to avoid opening up to people.

Or you can distance yourself by focusing on people's flaws

and exaggerating the differences between you and them.

Some of the things that you say to yourself are;

No one understands me.

I rarely feel close to people.

I feel like there's an invisible barrier

between me and other people.

As you try to deconstruct this story,

think of ways that this story helps protect you

from being hurt by others.

What small step can you take

to feel more connected to people?

And this is another example

where improving the quality of your conversations

can help you feel more connected.

Another thing to ask yourself is,

do you tend to discount similarities and exaggerate

differences between yourself and others?

In other words,

are you the one pushing people away by magnifying

small differences and making them deal breakers?

The fifth story is the mistrust story.

This story can develop from a deep seated belief

that there's no one looking out for your best interest.

And this can come from a traumatic experience

or even the neglect.

In this case,

the neglect doesn't have to be from your parents

leaving you on the front doorstep without food.

This can be from a selfish parent

who's always disappointed you or ignored you.

Behaviourally, this can look like having relationships

where you question the person loyalty,

or it can look like repeated relationships,

where you tolerate unacceptable behavior from the person.

And then these exploitative relationships

reinforce your mistrust of people.

Some of the things that you say to yourself are;

Most people will use or hurt you.

You need to stay on guard to protect yourself.

People only do or think nice things

when they wanna get something out of it.

To deconstruct this story,

think about how much pessimistic thinking

plays into the story.

Pessimistic thinking is where your mind focuses

on the negative and hardly acknowledges the positive.

Think about things that people have done

that show that they are trustworthy

that you overlooked or didn't acknowledge.

It could be something very small,

like following through on something that they said

that they would do or showing up on time.

Also, are you reacting to a present situation

as if you were in the past?

In other words,

are you holding on the things that someone else did

assuming that everyone is gonna do the same thing

or treat you the same way?

When you do that,

you're not judging the current person

on the merits of their behavior.

The last story is the failure story.

And there's lots of reasons

you can believe this about yourself.

You could have had a series of failures or inadequacies

that weren't balanced by an appropriate level of validation.

If you fail enough,

you can start to believe that you'll always fail.

Behaviourally this can look like passing on opportunities

because you're afraid to fail,

or you can create a self-fulfilling prophecy

by giving it a low effort or sabotaging your efforts

so that you do end up failing.

Some of the things that you can say to yourself are;

There's no point in trying because I'm just gonna fail.

I never seem to get things right.

What if people realize I'm not as good as they think I am?

Ways to deconstruct this kind of thinking

is to think about what you would say to a friend

if they were in your situation.

Would you tell them not to try?

Or would you help your friends see the benefit

of giving it a chance?

Another thing that you can think about is

whose voice are you hearing?

That voice may not have said the same thing

that you're saying to yourself,

but the person may have made you feel as though

there was no point in trusting you to do something

because you don't do things very well

or you never follow through with things.

There's a difference between being mediocre,

when it comes to achievements,

and having a basic belief

that you're a failure at most things.

If you have enough self esteem,

you will be able to fail more than once

without those failures becoming your identity.

Your reaction to failure shapes your long-term outlook.

If you tend to over-focus on negative aspects of things

or tend to have black and white thinking,

you are more prone to internalize the failures.

Do any of these negative stories resonate with you?

You can can break past your emotional programming.

The first step is recognizing these patterns

and a useful way to work on deconstructing the thoughts

is to write down things in a journal.

That also allows you to get out your raw thoughts

and then fine tune them later.

An important thing to remember here though is,

emotional reasoning drives many of these stories.

Emotional reasoning is a thinking pattern

called a cognitive distortion where your mind tells you

that your emotions reflect reality.

Even though your emotions can inform you about the situation

and how you should respond, they're not always reliable.

Examples of emotional reasoning are;

I feel scared so I must be in danger.

Or I feel guilty so I must have done something wrong.

But sometimes these are just free floating emotions

that pop into your mind triggered by an unconscious thought

based on something from the past.

If that's the case,

you can misinterpret your current situation

based on an emotion that's unrelated.

So another way to process some of these negative stories

is to engage in self-soothing activity

so that you can generate some positive emotions.

The positive emotions may help you stop ruminating

on your negative story.

A couple of examples of coping statements are;

My past doesn't define me.

My emotion does not reflect my reality.

Whatever happens, I'll handle it.

There's a lot to this. Thanks for making it this far.

You probably need to re-watch this video

to get more out of it.

And I'll do a follow-up video in the future

on distraction techniques and self-soothing activities

and grounding techniques.

Then you can use those tools

to get even more out of this video.

Stay tuned. See you next time.