How The Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style Deals With Anger

Summary

In this insightful video, Heidi Preeb delves into the complex relationship between fearful-avoidant attachment style and anger in relationships. She shares her personal journey from battling anger issues to understanding that the real problem was not expressing low-level anger appropriately. Heidi emphasizes the importance of recognizing and addressing anger when it's manageable, rather than suppressing it, which can lead to explosive outbursts. She suggests practicing 'radical honesty' to express anger healthily and prevent resentment from building up, ultimately promoting emotional security and healthier relationships.

Takeaways

• 🌟 Heidi Preeb discusses the fearful-avoidant attachment style and its relationship with anger, a topic she has been focusing on recently.
• 🔍 Heidi identifies herself as someone who has moved towards a secure attachment style, but she started with a fearful-avoidant attachment style.
• 😡 She was diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder as a child and struggled with what she perceived as extreme anger issues.
• 🧘 Heidi sought help from an anger management therapist and explored meditation and mindfulness to manage her anger.
• 💥 She realized that her problem was not expressing anger inappropriately, but rather suppressing it until it built up to explosive levels.
• 👶 The video mentions that the ability to self-regulate anger depends on early upbringing and learning from caregivers.
• 🏠 Heidi suggests that those with fearful-avoidant attachment often grew up in a family scapegoat role, where their anger was invalidated.
• 🤯 This upbringing can lead to a pattern of internalizing anger and having explosive outbursts when it becomes too intense to suppress.
• 🚫 The speaker emphasizes that the solution is not to suppress anger but to learn to express it at lower levels when it first arises.
• 🗣️ She encourages practicing expressing low-level anger with safe people to develop healthy boundary-setting and communication skills.
• 💡 Heidi plans to create future videos on how to express anger healthily and the practice of radical honesty in managing emotions.

Q & A

What is the primary focus of the video script by Heidi Preeb?

The video script focuses on the fearful avoidant attachment style in relationships and its connection with anger, as well as the journey of healing and managing anger issues.

What attachment style did Heidi Preeb initially identify with?

Heidi Preeb initially identified with the fearful avoidant attachment style.

What was Heidi's initial belief about her anger issues?

Heidi initially believed that her anger issues were due to her being excessively angry and that the solution was to learn to be less angry and express it less.

What role did anger management therapy play in Heidi's understanding of her anger issues?

Anger management therapy was instrumental in teaching Heidi about attachment and the connection between anger and attachment styles, particularly in intimate relationships.

Why did Heidi believe that her anger would build up to an explosive level?

Heidi believed her anger would build up because she suppressed it due to the belief that anger was bad and should never be expressed, leading to resentment and eventual explosions.

What is the significance of learning to down-regulate anger from a young age according to the script?

Learning to down-regulate anger from a young age is significant because it equips individuals with the skills to calm their nervous systems and return to a baseline, which is crucial for healthy emotional regulation in adulthood.

What is the role of the family scapegoat in the development of fearful avoidant attachment style, as mentioned in the script?

The family scapegoat often has their anger invalidated and is told they are overreacting, leading to the development of a fearful avoidant attachment style where anger is suppressed and not expressed healthily.

How does the script suggest fearful avoidant individuals deal with their anger issues?

The script suggests that fearful avoidant individuals should learn to be more angry at appropriate times on a lower scale, sensitizing themselves to their anger while it's happening, and expressing it in a healthy manner.

What is the importance of expressing low-level anger according to the script?

Expressing low-level anger is important because it helps prevent the buildup of resentment and the escalation of anger to an uncontrollable level, allowing for healthier communication and resolution of issues.

What practice does Heidi mention that she has been using to express anger more effectively?

Heidi mentions using the practice of radical honesty to express anger clearly and cleanly in the moments that it is felt, preventing the buildup of resentment.

How does the script relate the expression of anger to the concept of secure relationships?

The script relates the expression of anger to secure relationships by emphasizing the importance of setting boundaries and expressing discomfort or resentment in a healthy way, which is a practice of overriding the fear of abandonment and fostering secure connections.

Outlines

00:00

😔 Overcoming Fearful Avoidant Attachment and Anger Issues

Heidi Preeb discusses her journey with fearful avoidant attachment style and its impact on her relationship with anger. She explains that she was diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder at a young age and believed she had anger issues. Her approach to dealing with anger was to suppress it, which led to explosive outbursts when her anger reached an unbearable level. Heidi shares that the key to managing anger is not to suppress it but to express it appropriately when it arises, even at a low level. She also touches on the importance of learning how to self-regulate anger, which is often a skill not developed in those with fearful avoidant attachment due to invalidating upbringing experiences.

05:01

😠 The Struggle with Anger in Fearful Avoidant Attachment

This paragraph delves into the specifics of how fearful avoidant individuals handle anger. They tend to repress anger, not experiencing it consciously, which can lead to intense outbursts when their avoidance threshold is breached. Heidi explains that the solution is to become more in tune with low-level anger and express it appropriately to prevent it from escalating. She emphasizes the importance of recognizing and respecting one's right to feel anger and the need to develop healthy expressions of anger to maintain secure relationships.

10:01

🤯 Addressing Childhood Narratives and the Validity of Anger

Heidi addresses the internal narratives that fearful avoidant individuals have about anger, which often stem from childhood and can lead to self-invalidation. She suggests that these individuals need to challenge these narratives and recognize the validity of their feelings of anger. The paragraph also discusses the practice of 'radical honesty' as a method for expressing anger clearly and cleanly, which Heidi plans to explore further in future videos. She encourages viewers to practice expressing anger at lower levels to prevent it from building up to uncontrollable levels and to foster healthier relationships.

Keywords

💡Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style

This term refers to a type of insecure attachment where individuals exhibit both anxious and avoidant behaviors, often stemming from early childhood experiences. In the video, the speaker discusses her personal journey with this attachment style, highlighting its impact on her relationships and anger management. The concept is central to understanding the struggles with anger expression and regulation that the video addresses.

💡Anger Issues

Anger issues refer to difficulties in managing and expressing anger in a healthy way. The speaker in the video script describes her own history with anger issues, which she initially thought could be resolved by expressing less anger. However, she later realizes that the real problem was not expressing anger when it was appropriate, leading to explosive outbursts.

💡Self-Regulation

Self-regulation in the context of the video refers to an individual's ability to manage their emotional state, particularly anger, without relying on others. The speaker mentions that she lacked self-regulation skills, which often led to explosive anger episodes and a reliance on her partner to help her calm down.

💡Meditation and Mindfulness

Meditation and mindfulness are techniques that the speaker tried to employ to manage her anger. These practices are often used to increase self-awareness and emotional regulation. In the video, they are presented as methods the speaker explored in an attempt to feel less angry and better control her emotions.

💡Scapegoat Role

The scapegoat role is a concept where an individual in a family or group is unfairly blamed for problems or treated as the source of conflict. The speaker mentions that individuals with fearful avoidant attachment styles often grow up in this role, leading to the internalization of the belief that their anger is invalid.

💡Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where a person is made to doubt their own perceptions and feelings. In the video, the speaker describes how she engaged in self-gaslighting by dismissing her own feelings of anger as irrational and invalid, which contributed to her anger issues.

💡Boundaries

Boundaries in the context of the video refer to the limits an individual sets in relationships to protect their emotional well-being. The speaker emphasizes the importance of recognizing and expressing anger when boundaries are crossed, as a means to prevent the buildup of resentment and explosive reactions.

💡Radical Honesty

Radical honesty is a practice mentioned by the speaker that involves expressing one's feelings and thoughts openly and directly, particularly in relation to anger. It is presented as a potential solution for dealing with anger in a healthy and timely manner, preventing the escalation of minor issues into major conflicts.

💡Secure Relationships

Secure relationships in the video are characterized by open communication, respect for boundaries, and the ability to express emotions authentically. The speaker discusses the importance of practicing setting boundaries and expressing anger in a way that fosters secure relationships, as opposed to avoiding conflict out of fear of abandonment.

💡Emotional Validation

Emotional validation is the act of acknowledging and accepting someone's feelings as real and valid. The speaker encourages viewers to validate their own feelings and those of others, which is crucial for healthy emotional expression and resolving issues before they escalate.

💡Explosive Anger

Explosive anger describes intense outbursts of anger that are often disproportionate to the triggering event. In the video, the speaker reflects on her past experiences with explosive anger, which she now understands as a result of not addressing lower levels of anger when they first arose.

Highlights

Heidi Preeb discusses the fearful avoidant attachment style and its relationship with anger.

Heidi identifies as having moved from fearful avoidant to a more secure attachment style.

She was diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder as a child, leading to a narrative of having extreme anger issues.

Heidi's initial belief was that the solution to anger issues was to express anger less.

She sought help from an anger management therapist who introduced her to attachment theory.

Meditation and mindfulness were explored as techniques to manage anger.

Heidi realized that her anger was not about expressing it inappropriately, but about repressing it until it exploded.

The importance of learning to down-regulate anger from childhood and the impact of caregivers on this skill.

Fearful avoidant individuals often grow up in families where their anger is invalidated, leading to pathologized anger responses.

Heidi explains how she internalized the belief that her anger was always irrational and invalid.

Avoidant individuals tend to repress anger, leading to a disconnect between feeling and conscious experience of anger.

Fearful avoidant individuals may suppress anger until it triggers an anxious response, resulting in intense anger outbursts.

The solution is not to be less angry but to learn to express anger appropriately at lower levels.

Heidi emphasizes the importance of recognizing and expressing anger when it is valid, even if it feels irrational.

She discusses the self-correcting nature of anger when boundaries are expressed and respected.

Heidi shares her personal practice of 'radical honesty' as a method for expressing anger clearly and cleanly.

She encourages viewers to practice expressing low-level anger with safe people to build boundary-setting skills.

Heidi plans to create future videos on her experience with radical honesty and its benefits for recovery from fearful avoidance.

She invites viewers to share their thoughts, questions, and 'aha' moments in the comments for ongoing discussion.

Transcripts

hey guys heidi preeb here today i wanted

to talk about something that i've been

thinking a lot about over the past

couple of weeks

and that is the fearful avoidant

attachment style in their relationship

with anger so for those of you who don't

know i like to think of myself as much

more centered in secure attachment these

days i've been working extensively over

the past couple of years on healing my

own attachment style but the attachment

style that i started out with and lived

most of my life with is the fearful

avoidant attachment style and one of the

things that i believed for most of my

life very strongly this was actually

kind of the predominant narrative that i

had about myself in my own head is that

i was a person who had extreme anger

issues so from the time i was very young

like i was diagnosed with oppositional

defiance disorder as a very young child

there was this thread that kind of

followed me throughout my entire

childhood my teenagehood my early adult

life that i was someone who didn't know

how to control or deal with anger and i

always thought my entire life that the

solution to the problem of me having

anger issues was learning to be less

angry and learning to express anger less

so i developed kind of myriad strategies

to help me deal with these anger issues

i went to an anger management therapist

who was actually the first person to

teach me about attachment and how our

relationship with anger particularly

with intimate partners is very tied into

attachment i got really into like

meditation and mindfulness and all of

these techniques that i thought would

help me feel less angry and what i am

only realizing at this point in my life

the problem for all of those years was

never that i was expressing anger in

situations where i shouldn't have been

expressing anger the problem is that

because i had this narrative that anger

was so bad and i should never feel it i

should never express anger so anytime my

anger felt like it was a one two three

four five six seven even eight out of

ten i would not express it and then all

of that stuff would build up i would

become so resentful so angry so

intolerable of those feelings of

resentment and anger inside my own body

that i would explode and by the time i

exploded it would always be a 9 or 10

out of 10 on the anger scale and so i

wasn't getting the results that i wanted

out of the times that i was angry

because by the time you get to a 9 or a

10 it's pretty hard to self-regulate

while you're angry so what i would do is

explode usually at my partners and then

i would need my partner's help

self-regulating me back to a more common

relaxed state and often i would realize

in those explosive episodes oh i

really need my partner's help here but

my partner is the person i'm angry at so

now i'm kind of switching between a

fight response and a fun response

because i want to get my anger out but i

also know that i need to get my partner

on my side or whoever i'm angry at on my

side to help me calm back down because i

don't have good strategies for calming

my anger down on my own and i want to

point out here that whether or not you

do have good down regulation skills for

when you get really angry will depend

largely upon your upbringing so when we

are very young our caregivers have to

teach us how to calm down our nervous

systems from anger and how to return to

a baseline and if we learn that skill we

grow up knowing how to do it for

ourselves but i think that many fearful

avoidance i would almost argue the

majority if not all of them have not had

healthy experiences from their

caregivers learning to down regulate

from anger i think that very often those

who develop a fearful avoidant

attachment style grew up in the family

scapegoat role which i have a whole

video on that i will link in the

description of this video but what

happens when you're scapegoated in your

family is that you are chronically told

that your anger is invalid that you are

overreacting that when you point out the

family dysfunction and when you break

that rule that is inherent to

dysfunctional family systems which is

don't talk about it you get called crazy

or irrational or overly angry and your

normal healthy human anger response

which is absolutely the appropriate

response to injustice is pathologized in

you so you learn anytime i feel angry i

must be behaving irrationally and when

you grow up with that belief it becomes

very easy to internalize it and to

dismiss all of those things that you

feel very slightly low-grade angry about

until you absolutely can't take it

anymore and then you will have those

explosions right so what is blowing my

mind at this point in my life is

realizing that all of those years when i

felt so sure that i was struggling with

anger issues what was actually happening

was that i was refusing to respond in

all of the situations where it was

actually extremely appropriate for me to

feel low level anger where i truly was

picking up on injustices either in my

relationships with people or in the

world in general that it made perfect

sense for me to be angry about but

because i'd gotten in this habit of kind

of gaslighting myself and telling myself

any anger i feel is irrational and

invalid i never expressed any of those

one two three four five six sevens or

sometimes even eights out of ten on the

anger scale and so things that i could

have resolved at the time if i had

expressed anger at the time grew into

much bigger problems and i think that

this is such a struggle for the fearful

avoidance specifically because we do

have that avoidance mechanism as our

baseline for our attachment system so

those on the avoidant side of the

attachment spectrum tend to repress

anger pretty much to the extent that

they can get away with it now this

doesn't mean they don't feel anger it

does not mean that anger is not present

in their bodies but it means that for

the most part those on the avoidance

spectrum do not experience a lot of

conscious anger or if they do they might

kind of brush it off as well i'm just

feeling annoyed i'm just feeling

frustrated i'm just having a bad day i

just need to get a better sleep tonight

or whatever it is or they might feel

annoyed or frustrated at other people

refusing to take responsibility for what

they believe it is their responsibility

to take on but even then they tend to

bring it back to well it's just my

responsibility to not engage with things

that make me angry so there is this kind

of disconnect between the feelings of

anger that live in the body of anyone

who has an avoidant attachment style and

the conscious experience of anger which

is minimal now here's where it gets

tricky for the fearful avoidant because

the anxious attachment spectrum

experiences anger quite viscerally and

quite consciously the fearful avoidant

will often go from living in avoidance

mode where a lot of the feelings that

they have are not crossing the threshold

into their conscious awareness and then

something will trigger them into an

anxious attachment response and suddenly

it's like all of that anger that's been

in their body that they've been feeling

for a long time that's been building up

is right in the forefront of their

conscious awareness and now all of a

sudden over something that might be a

one or two out of ten for someone else

they are experiencing a level 9 or 10

anger response so there is this giant

blow up that happens and then afterwards

they feel intensely guilty and go right

back into telling themselves every time

i feel anger it's irrational now the

solution here is actually not to be less

angry the solution is to learn to be

more angry on a lower scale at the

appropriate times okay but i think like

every fearful avoidant out there thinks

that what they need to do is learn to

get their anger under wraps no you

actually need to sensitize yourself to

your anger while it's happening don't

listen to that voice in your head that

tells you i don't have a right to be

angry about this if you are feeling

angry you have a right to be angry now

that does not mean that you can express

it in an abusive or deliberately harmful

way but it does mean that you have the

right to feel that feeling in your body

okay

and in order to get that feeling out of

your body it can help to express it

outwardly and again because you only

have the skills for dealing with like

explosive anger you might think there is

no healthy way to express anger but

there absolutely is and i am going to

make future videos on this because i

think that it absolutely warrants a lot

of its own explanation but i think that

you'll find that anger is a

self-correcting force so if you express

a boundary to someone the first time

something you're uncomfortable with

happens they're a lot less likely to do

it the second time and definitely if you

express that same boundary again the

second time and you express that you're

angry about them crossing it they're now

a lot less likely to do it the third

time but if every single time your

boundary gets crossed you tell yourself

oh it doesn't make sense for me to be

angry about that so i'm just going to

ignore it and hope it goes away by the

10th time they cross your boundary now

you're very angry and also they have a

long list of times that you didn't speak

up so now you feel less justified in

your anger because you are the one who

didn't set the boundary but if from the

beginning you had recognized i am like a

2 or 3 out of 10 on the anger scale and

it's going to be helpful in the long run

for me to speak up about it you could

have stopped an entire sequence of

events from happening that eventually

led to that 10 out of 10 response right

so this is exactly what i like to remind

myself of when i still frequently have

the thought to myself this doesn't make

sense to express it's not a big enough

problem for me to bring it up and talk

to someone about it i remind myself the

fact that it feels small is the reason

why you should bring it up the fact that

it's currently a 2 out of 10 on the

anger scale means it's actually in the

optimal zone for resolving that problem

before it gets bigger right because by

the time you're at even like a 5 or six

out of ten there can be a lot happening

in your body a lot of anger building up

that can make it harder to speak calmly

and clearly about the problem as it's

happening but when things are low level

it's easy for us to resolve them because

they generally aren't impacting us that

strongly yet they're generally things we

can go into conversations with people

about and have a fairly calm fairly

easily inoffensive experience of

expressing our anger and have things be

resolved in a way that doesn't hurt too

many feelings because it's just not that

heated yet for either person but in

order to get in the practice of doing

that you have to learn to bypass the

voice in your head that will perpetually

pop up telling you don't express this it

doesn't make any sense to do that and

that requires

potentially unpacking a lot of your

childhood history and the stories that

you've internalized around anger i think

that a lot of fearful avoidance have

been taught that anger is always bad

that if you want to have relationships

with people you have to have no

boundaries and so there can be all of

this false thinking around if i set a

boundary if i tell someone they did

something that upsets me i'm going to be

throwing that entire relationship in the

garbage and the thought of throwing that

relationship in the garbage is usually

much scarier than the thought of just

sucking it up and forgetting about

whatever you were a two out of ten on

the anger scale about so practicing this

is about practicing secure relationships

it's a practice of overriding that voice

in your head that tells you if i express

any anger or discomfort or resentment in

my relationships i will be abandoned and

left alone forever right and it also

requires acknowledging that there might

be some relationships you have in your

life that do follow that rule because

you have grown up and continue to engage

with people who remind you of your early

relationships so you might truly be in

situations where anger is not handled

well and that's why i also encourage you

to practice this with people who you

know are safe maybe even people who you

go to and say hey i want to start

practicing setting boundaries and

talking more about what upsets me

because i'm placing a lot of conscious

focus on becoming aware of that at this

point in my life so if i come to you

over the next couple weeks and i tell

you something i'm annoyed about or

something that upset me or something

that i wish were different i want you to

know that usually i only express anger

when it's really intense so you might

think that i'm feeling something really

intense about this small thing but

actually it's probably that i'm trying

to tell you about something before it

gets really big so i've been practicing

this a little bit in my own life and i

even like to just tell people i'm at

like a 2 out of 10 right now like this

actually isn't a big deal for me i feel

silly that i'm even bringing it up but i

made a promise to myself that i'm going

to practice talking about it so here's

what i feel frustrated about or

resentful towards you for in this

specific situation anytime we're doing

something new i think that it helps to

put a lot of safety cones around it but

the point i want to make for this video

is that i think fearful avoidance need

to stop gaslighting themselves and

telling themselves that their anger is

never valid the only reason your anger

seems invalid in retrospect is because

you let it build up until it all

explodes at one moment but everything

that was in there that built up over

time was completely and totally valid at

the time that you felt it it's likely

that it was a completely appropriate

reaction to what happened at the time

but when you add up a 1 out of 10 to 1

out of 10 and 2 out of 10 another 1 out

of 10 time and time and time again

eventually becomes a 25 out of 10. and

now you might be having a 25 out of 10

reaction to something that is only a 7

out of 10 reaction and you look

absolutely out of control of yourself

because you are but the only way to stop

that is to deal with it when it's a one

a two a one a one and it is going to

feel mind numbingly frustrating in the

process but that's how we work our way

towards security right we sensitize

ourselves to our emotions so that they

come out in the situations that we're

actually feeling them in as opposed to

all at once in a situation where it

doesn't necessarily fit so a practice

that i've been using quite a bit in this

area is radical honesty which talks a

lot about how to express anger clearly

and cleanly and in the moments that you

feel it so that you don't hold on to

that resentment inside of your body so i

am going to make some videos in the

future talking about my experience with

that practice and how it's helped me

quite a bit on the recovery track from

fearful avoidance but in the meantime if

you guys have any questions about this

or any thoughts or aha moments that are

popping up for you i'm always curious

about those so please leave those

thoughts in the comments and we can keep

the conversation going and until next

time i love you guys i hope you're

taking care of yourselves and each other

i hope you're validating your feelings

for yourself and each other and i will

see you back here again really soon

[Music]

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