Is It Possible to Avoid the Friend Zone?

Summary

В этом видео обсуждается проблема 'дружеского зона', когда люди, начинающие отношения в рамках дружбы, развивают романтические чувства, что часто ведет к разочарованию и фрustrации. Автор рассматривает научные аспекты любви, объясняя, почему некоторые люди попадают в 'другую зону' и как избежать этого. Он предлагает стратегии самосознания, откровенности и управления своими эмоциями, чтобы избежать негативных последствий неоправданных ожиданий и разрыва с друзьями, которые могут возникнуть из-за романтической зависимости.

Takeaways

• 😔 Френдзон - это сложная и часто раздражающая тема, которая вызывает фрustrацию у мужчин, которые хотят превратить дружеские отношения в романтические.
• 🚫 Попытки превратить дружеские отношения в романтические часто не дают результата и могут нарушить дружеские отношения.
• 🔁 Многие люди попадают в цикл френдзона, в котором они вкладывают свое время и эмоции в отношения, которые не дают желаемых результатов.
• 🧠 Наука о любви и поведении показывает, что эмоциональное вовлечение и взаимодействие могут усилить чувства романтики, особенно у мужчин.
• 👥 Женщины часто воспринимают эмоциональное близость как дружбу, в то время как мужчины могут воспринимать это как основание для романтики.
• 💔 Отсутствие взаимности в отношениях может привести к разочарованию и психологическим травмам, особенно в случае неоправданной любви.
• 🔄 Цикл френдзона повторяется из-за отсутствия понимания того, как эмоциональное вложение и взаимодействие влияют на чувства.
• 🤔 Причина попадания в френдзон может быть связана с типом привязанности, стилем общения и личными предпочтениями в отношении romantического и дружеского взаимодействия.
• 🌱 Для избегания френдзона необходимо быть эмоционально сознательным, обнаруживать и обсуждать на ранних стадиях возникающие романтические чувства.
• 🔄 Увеличение времени и эмоционального вложения в отношения с кем-то, на кого возникли романтические чувства, усиливает эти чувства, что может привести к френдзону.
• 🛑 Если вы понимаете, что испытываете романтические чувства к другу, важно либо обсудить это с ними на ранней стадии, либо отодвинуть отношении на время, чтобы избежать разочарования и психологического стресса.

Q & A

Что означает термин 'друговая зона' и почему он вызывает такие сильные дискуссии между мужчинами и женщинами?

Термин 'друговая зона' относится к ситуации, когда человек, с которым у другого возникли романтические чувства, считает их только другом и не хочет развивать с ними отношения. Это вызывает дискуссии, потому что мужчины часто разочарованы тем, что не могут превратить их дружбу в романтическое отношение, в то время как женщины могут не хотеть нарушать эту дружбу.

Почему попытки превратить дружеские отношения в романтические не всегда работают?

Попытки превратить дружеские отношения в романтические не работают, потому что многие женщины ценят свои дружеские связи и не хотят, чтобы они переходили в романтический план. Кроме того, когда отношения уже установлены как дружеские, это заложение может быть трудно изменить.

Какие научные исследования говорят о том, что эмоциональное волнение у мужчин может привести к более романтичным чувствам?

Исследование, в котором группа мужчин проходила через встречу на двух разных мостах - стабильном низком и высоком непрочном - показало, что эмоциональное волнение, включая страх или другую эмоциональную активность, увеличивает вероятность возникновения романтических чувств у мужчин.

Почему люди могут ощущать разные вещи, когда они эмоционально близко к другому человеку?

Люди могут интерпретировать эмоциональную близость по-разному в зависимости от их культурного опыта и личных предпочтений. Некоторые видят это как дружбу, в то время как другие могут воспринимать это как основание для романтических чувств.

Чем определяется, растут ли романтические чувства или уменьшаются?

Романтические чувства могут расти в результате эмоциональной активации, увеличения времени, проведенного с человеком, и типа присоединенности. Если человек испытывает эмоциональные колебания или интенсивно взаимодействует с кем-то, это может усилить его чувства.

Какое значение имеет тип присоединенности для того, как человек воспринимает свои отношения?

Тип присоединенности - это теория, которая объясняет, как люди формируют отношения. Он влияет на то, как человек может воспринимать свою близость с кем-то и как он может реагировать на появление романтических чувств.

Какие научные факты говорят о том, что увеличение времени, проведенного с кем-то, усиливает чувства любви?

Научные исследования показывают, что больше времени, проведенное вместе, увеличивает чувства любви, особенно если человек уже испытывает романтические чувства. Однако это не приводит к тому, чтобы друг друга начали любить, если изначально чувства не были взаимными.

Почему люди, которые оказываются в 'друговой зоне', часто повторяют этот цикл?

Это происходит из-за отсутствия осознания своих чувств и неспособности изменить поведение вовремя. Когда люди не замечают, что их чувства к другому человеку становятся романтическими, они продолжают инвестировать в это отношение, что ведет к разочарованию и циклу 'друговой зоны'.

Как можно избежать оказаться в 'друговой зоне'?

Чтобы избежать 'друговой зоны', необходимо быть эмоционально осознающим, обращать внимание на свои чувства и, как только появляются романтические чувства, начинать разговор с человеком об этом, чтобы найти решение и предотвратить развитие нежелательных чувств.

Чем отличается подход к избеганию 'друговой зоны' в современном понимании от старых методов?

Современное понимание подчеркивает важность осознания собственных чувств и открытости в разговоре с другом на ранних этапах развития отношений. Старые методы часто предполагали изменение поведения или тактики, не учитывающие индивидуальные различия и научные факты.

Какие научные исследования подтверждают, что чувства могут изменяться и исчезать, если человек уделяет внимание другим отношениям?

Исследования в области присоединенности и эмоционального интеллекта показывают, что если человек уделяет внимание развитию новых отношений и контролирует свои текущие чувства, он может избежать того, чтобы оказаться в 'друговой зоне' и открыть себе возможность для новых романтических связей.

Outlines

00:00

🚫 Проблема 'друговой зоны' и ее избегание

В первом параграфе обсуждается проблема 'друговой зоны', которая вызывает много раздражения между мужчинами и женщинами. Многие мужчины испытывают разочарование, оказываясь в таком положении, и часто ищут способы превратить чисто дружеские отношения в романтические. Однако, по мнению автора, это не всегда возможно, так как женщины ценят свои дружеские связи и могут активно сопротивляться переходу к романтике. Автор предлагает проанализировать 'науку любви', чтобы понять, почему возникают чувства, и как избежать развития романтических чувств к другу, что является более эффективным подходом, чем попытки изменить уже существующее дружеское отношение.

05:02

🔬 Исследование о связях эмоций и романтических чувств

Второй параграф посвящён ученым выводам о том, что эмоциональное волнение, особенно у мужчин, может усилить романтические чувства, даже в отсутствие привлекательности или сексуальной привлекательности. Исследование, проведённое с использованием двух групп мужчин и двух разных мостов, показало, что эмоциональное волнение может привести к более глубоким романтическим ощущениям. Автор также затрагивает тему эмоциональной инвестиции в отношения, которая может быть разной для разных людей и влияет на развитие их чувств друг к другу.

10:03

🔄 Цикл 'друговой зоны' и его последствия

Третий параграф рассматривает циклический характер попадания в 'друговую зону' и его повторяющиеся шаблоны. Автор описывает, как люди могут вложиться в отношения, надеяться на взаимность чувств и в конечном итоге испытывать разочарование и психологический травматизм от отсутствия ответа на свои чувства. Этот цикл может привести к значительным потерям времени и эмоций, что влияет на способность людей к дальнейшим романтическим связям.

15:06

💡 Понимание 'друговой зоны' и стратегии избегания

В четвёртом параграфе автор предлагает различные подходы к избеганию 'друговой зоны', начиная с осознания процесса и заканчивая стратегиями по избеганию эмоциональной инвестиции в один человек. Обсуждается важность понимания своего притяжения к человеку, с которым вы хотите иметь романтическую связь, и способы контроля над своими чувствами для предотвращения негативных последствий.

20:06

🗣️ Имеющиеся чувства и их обсуждение с другом

Пятый параграф фокусируется на важности обсуждения возникших романтических чувств с другом сразу же после их появления. Автор подчёркивает, что честное обсуждение может предотвратить дальнейшее развитие чувств и позволить сохранить дружбу, а также предоставить возможность для новых романтических связей.

25:06

🛡️ Научные факторы и стратегии для избегания 'друговой зоны'

В заключительном параграфе автор подчёркивает, что понимание научных факторов, влияющих на развитие любовных чувств, является ключом к избежанию 'друговой зоны'. Он предлагает стратегии, такие как раннее обсуждение чувств и управление своими эмоциональными вложениями, чтобы избежать негативных последствий и открыть двери для новых, более успешных отношений.

Keywords

💡друговая зона

«Друговая зона» - это состояние, когда человек развивает романтические чувства к другу, но друг не отвечает этим чувствами. В видео это термин используется для описания проблемной ситуации, когда мужчины испытывают разочарование из-за отсутствия взаимности чувств и когда советы о том, как изменить статус с «другом» на «парнем», не работают. В видео обсуждается, как избежать или преодолеть эту ситуацию.

💡романтические чувства

«Романтические чувства» означают глубокие эмоциональные связи, которые возникают между людьми, когда они начинают испытывать любовь. В контексте видео, это чувства, которые могут возникнуть в рамках дружеских отношений, но которые могут стать проблемными, если они не взаимны.

💡эмоциональная интимность

«Эмоциональная интимность» - это уровень близости и доверия в отношениях, когда люди делятся своими чувствами и страхами. В видео говорится, что для женщин это может быть признаком дружбы, в то время как мужчины могут воспринимать это как основание для романтических чувств.

💡эмоциональная активация

«Эмоциональная активация» - это состояние, когда человек испытывает сильные эмоции. Исследование, упомянутое в видео, показало, что эмоциональная активация у мужчин может усилить их романтические чувства, даже если ситуация, вызывающая эмоции, не является романтической.

💡экспозиция

«Экспозиция» в видео относится к тому, как время, проведенное вместе, может усилить романтические чувства. Чем больше времени человек проводит с кем-то, кого он любит, тем сильнее эти чувства становятся. Это важно для понимания, как «друговая зона» может стать проблемной из-за увеличения времени общения без взаимности чувств.

💡присоединение

«Присоединение» в контексте видео - это термин из теории присоединения, который описывает, как люди формируют и поддерживают свои отношения. Упоминается, что стиль присоединения может влиять на то, как человек может попасть в «другую зону» и как он может воспринимать свои чувства.

💡эмоциональное осознание

«Эмоциональное осознание» - это способность человека понимать и отслеживать свои собственные эмоции. В видео подчеркивается, что осознание своих романтических чувств в дружеских отношениях и их обсуждение на ранних этапах могут предотвратить развитие проблем.

💡независимость чувств

«Независимость чувств» означает, что чувства одного человека в отношениях не всегда совпадают с чувствами другого. В видео говорится, что понимание этой независимости может помочь людям избежать разочарования и боли, связанных с «друговой зоной».

💡цикл

«Цикл» в видео используется для описания повторяющегося шаблона поведения, когда человек снова и снова попадает в «другую зону». Понимание и преодоление этого цикла являются ключевыми для избежания будущих проблем.

💡управление чувствами

«Управление чувствами» - это способность контролировать и направлять свои эмоциональные реакции. В видео подчеркивается, что умение управлять своими романтическими чувствами к другу может помочь избежать разочарования и боли, связанных с «друговой зоной».

Highlights

The friend zone is a contentious issue, particularly between men and women, causing frustration for men and often resistance from women who value platonic relationships.

Many men find themselves in a repetitive cycle of getting friend-zoned, leading to emotional distress and wasted time.

The speaker aims to teach the science of love to help avoid romantic feelings for friends and to understand why we develop such feelings.

A study shows that emotional activation, especially in men, can lead to increased romantic feelings, irrespective of physical attractiveness.

Emotional intimacy in a platonic relationship can be interpreted as friendship by women but may lead to romantic feelings in men.

People can emotionally invest in only one person at a time from a romantic perspective, making it hard to shift from one romantic interest to another.

Increased exposure to someone you have romantic feelings for can intensify those feelings, while it may not affect the other person's feelings if they see the relationship as platonic.

Attachment style, based on attachment theory, influences how individuals form relationships and can predispose them to fall in love in certain ways.

Anxious ambivalent attachment style can lead to idealizing a person and finding it hard to let go, especially if they are one of few relationships in one's life.

The speaker suggests that understanding the science behind love can help avoid getting into the friend zone in the first place.

Being emotionally aware and having open conversations about feelings when they arise can prevent the development of unrequited love.

Taking a step back from a friendship when romantic feelings are recognized can help to manage and eventually let go of those feelings.

Creating space in one's life for new relationships can prevent intensifying romantic feelings for a friend and allow for healthier romantic attachments to form.

The speaker emphasizes that understanding the scientific factors behind love can help control who you fall in love with and avoid the friend zone cycle.

The solution to the friend zone is not just about getting out of it but preventing entry into it by being aware and proactive about one's feelings.

The speaker refutes the idea that love is a mystery, arguing that current knowledge in neuroscience and psychology can shape who we fall in love with.

The final advice is to recognize romantic feelings early, communicate about them, and understand the factors that can lead to the intensification of love to avoid the friend zone.

Transcripts

today we're going to talk about

something that is a highly contentious

highly challenging and really

interesting subject how to avoid the

friend zone

the friend zone is a really contentious

topic especially between men and women

because for a lot of men they're really

frustrated by being friend zoned and a

lot of the advice out there is about how

to get out of the friend zone how can I

take this platonic relationship and

convert it into a romantic relationship

unfortunately that doesn't work very

well especially because a lot of women

hate being girlfriends owned so when

they what they sort of see is a platonic

relationship and they have no interest

they value that platonic relationship

and they actually have no interest or

will actively resist any kind of

romantic relationship and this leads to

a lot of frustration usually on both

sides and what I tend to see a lot which

is actually really really scary is that

this is a repetitive cycle especially

for some men where we'll kind of see

these these kind of situations where

like I was reading a post the other day

for example where someone was saying I

feel like every time I get really

attached to a woman dot dot dot and the

interesting thing about these posts if

you talk about people who are frustrated

with the friend zone is they start with

I am really attached to this woman I had

this person who was a friend and I

started to get feelings for her and then

here's all the aftermath that happened

and then the question kind of becomes

okay how do I get out of the friend zone

which doesn't tend to work very well so

it's really frustrating because first of

all people will find themselves in this

cycle over and over and over again that

a lot of the advice about you know how

to kind of get out of the friend zone

does it seem to land very well and

furthermore it kind of runs against the

interests of the person that you

actually have a friendship with

and so this can be incredibly

frustrating and what I'd love to do

today is to teach y'all a little bit

about first of all like the science of

love and to understand why we catch

feelings but most importantly to help

y'all avoid getting into a situation

where you actually have romantic

feelings for someone who's a friend and

you may say but hold on a second like is

first of all is that possible and

secondly like but I really like this

person and I really want to create a

relationship with them and we're going

to dig into all of those things hey

there thanks for watching and I'm glad

these videos have been helpful a lot of

times I'll read the comments and see

people asking well what do I actually do

about it which is a great question and

unfortunately the resources out there

haven't been that great which is

precisely why I started HD in the first

place HG coaches are trained on a

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below

so the first thing that I kind of want

to point out is that for a lot of people

unfortunately this really feels like a

cycle okay so this is sort of what it

looks like I maybe I'm friends with a

woman and then I start to catch feelings

for her and then I start to like you

know spend a little bit more time with

her I'm a little bit afraid of like

confessing my feelings so some people

will kind of advise me to like you know

just shoot your shot and move on kind of

thing but that can be really hard for

some people so you end up sort of in

this relationship where you're afraid of

rejection so what you end up actually

doing is investing in the relationship

well maybe one day she'll start catching

feelings for me too maybe if I like kind

of show her that I'm such a good dude

and by the way she will frequently say

oh yeah I wish I could find a boyfriend

that was just like you and that's like

so incredibly frustrating for someone

who's who's their friend right because

you're like well then why don't you date

me if you're looking for something like

me there's actually really good

scientific reasons for that and a lot of

frustration that we experience come

comes out of a lack of that

understanding

so going back to the cycle so you're

like kind of investing in this

relationship a few months go by you

finally kind of like confess your

feelings right because things rise to a

critical level where then you like vomit

Your Love out on the other person they

experience a sense of whiplash they

reject you you then feel terrible which

by the way when you get rejected by

someone especially in a situation of

unrequited love it causes all kinds of

like damage to your self-esteem and

disorganization of your thoughts and

stuff it's actually quite traumatic and

so then you spend some amount of time

recovering for that right so like now

you invested six months in the

relationship now you're kind of damaged

now three months go by for you to like

put yourself back together and then you

meet someone else you sort of are

friends with them again and then like

the whole cycle repeats and the real

problem is that every time

you kind of like a friend zone

relationship falls apart you've invested

like nine months or a year or even more

of your life that you can never get back

and as the cycle repeats over and over

and over again there's some people out

there who are like in the friend zone so

often that four years will go by five

years will go by and they're like I

don't understand why I can't find a

relationship

so what what I'd love to do is help you

all understand a little bit about what's

going on in the friend zone explain a

little bit about the science of love and

also tell you all how to avoid that

situation and really open yourself up

for a relationship

so let's start with a really really

interesting study so researchers did

something really cool which is they took

a group of men and they split them into

two groups and what they did is they

sent one group on a stable low height

Bridge

to have some kind of romantic

interaction with a woman they took the

second group of men and they sent them

to a very very high altitude rickety

Bridge Okay so the only difference in

this experiment is that one bridge is

like safe and stable the other bridge is

like kind of scary and the researchers

actually found something really really

interesting which is that any kind of

emotional activation on the part of

especially men leads to more romantic

feelings so this has nothing to do with

attractiveness it has nothing to do with

how pretty they are or or like sexual

Marketplace value or any of that crap

which is mostly pseudoscience by the way

what it what what they really found is

that the more emotionally active a man

is the more likely they are to

experience romantic feelings now a lot

of women can be this way too but this

specific study was focused on men so

what does that mean and what does that

explain so the first thing is that when

you have a platonic relationship between

a man and a woman what a lot of women

will do is share a lot of emotions right

so this is like an emotionally intimate

relationship where we can cry together

we can like talk about our deepest

darkest fears and for a lot of women

they will interpret this as friendship

this is what friends do friends are

emotionally intimate with each other the

cultural and conditioning experience of

most men is that emotional vulnerability

doesn't necessarily come with in any way

shape or form

um any kind of like platonic interaction

right so for a lot of men and this is

what the research kind of supports is

that any sort of emotional interaction

increases the kind of romantic Bond

because keep in mind in terms of the

High Altitude rickety Bridge that's not

like it's not like a romantic situation

right it just evokes fear and other

kinds of emotions but the experience of

any sort of negative emotion especially

for men or vulnerability can lead to

sort of a romantic feeling so now we can

see one really important thing which is

when two people are emotionally intimate

that some people are actually okay being

emotionally intimate without it sort of

leading to romantic feelings whereas

other people the more emotionally

intimate they are the more they

correlate that with Romance the second

thing that we're going to talk about is

that you can really only emotionally

invest in one person at a time from a

romantic perspective so there's like

research that sort of shows that

basically if you're like romantically

into one person then it's hard to become

romantically involved with someone else

now I know that there are a lot of like

TV shows out there and things like that

that show these love triangles as if

they are standard but if you really look

at the research like usually what

happens is like you start falling out of

love with one person before you fall in

love with someone else right if you look

at like research on Affairs and things

like that what you tend to find is that

falling out of Love Actually precedes

falling in love with someone one else

and if you sort of think about it right

so if you're in love with one person

someone else could be in love with you

and you'll be completely oblivious to it

because you have no space for them so

the real challenge with sort of

girlfriend zoning or having romantic

feelings for a friend of yours is that

while you are emotionally invested in

that person and reciprocity is like

completely separate so we're not we're

not even talking about that yet you

don't have the space in your life to

fall in love with someone else and this

is what leads to that kind of cycle and

what leads to so much wasted time

because once you start catching feelings

for for someone

then you it's going to be really hard to

catch feelings for someone else and the

more that you stay kind of connected to

that relationship the worse off things

are going to get

so once you catch feelings what

determines whether those feelings will

kind of grow or what determines like

whether those feelings will shrink

so this is where the first thing that we

kind of talked about was that emotional

activation which can be any kind of

emotion by the way so what tends to

happen is once you start catching

feelings for someone

even if you like listen to her complain

about her ex-boyfriend if that's like

emotionally empathically engaging for

you you will fall more in love with them

the second thing that's important to

note is that the more exposure you have

with someone that you have romantic

feelings for the more likely those

feelings will grow so now we see like

another really interesting implication

with the friend zone relationship which

is that if I have romantic feelings

towards you and you don't have romantic

feelings towards me the more time we

spend together the more my romantic love

will grow and the more neutral yours

will remain right so this is really

important because we don't really

understand like we this is not something

that we get but this is scientifically

sort of true which is that once you

start on the path of love more time

together increases that love but it's

not like spending one year together if

one person is in love and the other

person isn't in love spending one year

together is not going to like increase

the amount of Love on on both sides and

this is something that's really easy to

understand if we think about a mutual or

reciprocal love right when you fall in

love with someone and they fall in love

with you it's kind of like intense and

you guys want to spend more time

together y'all are hanging out all the

time and the more time you spend

together the more in love with each

other you fall now take that scenario

and just move it to a situation of

unrequited love that's where when one

person is loved the exposure still

increases that love but for the person

who like feels like this is a platonic

relationship it's never going to

qualitatively convert a platonic love to

a romantic love

and the third aspect that we're going to

talk a little bit about is actually

attachment style so this is one reason

why I think so much of the advice around

the friend zone doesn't land if you look

at it a lot of people will say oh if you

keep on getting friend zoned just do

this or just do this or if you do this

like this is what you got to start stop

doing and this is what you got to start

doing everyone will give generic advice

what people I've never heard a single

person give advice about the friend zone

with any kind of consideration that the

advice needs to be tailored to the way

that you form relationships so the

science of attachment Theory

is like the science of like how human

beings form relationships and one

Central tentative attachment theory is

that not all human beings form

relationships in the same way and so if

we look at the science of attachment

Theory what we discover is that

depending on your attachment style

you're prone to fall in love in certain

kinds of ways so one example is if you

have an anxious ambivalent attachment

style which is sort of what we kind of

think of as someone who's like afraid of

rejection maybe low self-esteem you're

kind of like hyper Vigilant to what

other people think about you you're

really worried about relationships you

stress a lot around relationships and if

you do this what we actually discover is

that the more ideal this person seems to

you the harder it is to let them go and

you may kind of scratch your head for a

second and say well hold on a second

doesn't if this person seems more ideal

to me wouldn't I like wouldn't that make

it harder for anyone to let go and this

is what's kind of bizarre but the answer

is actually actually no different people

can let go of Ideal things because they

feel more secure in themselves and the

more secure in themselves they feel the

more able they are to like let something

good go the other really interesting

aspect of anxious ambivalent attachment

is that

part of the reason these people feel so

ideal to you is because you don't have

other people in your life right so what

anxious and ambivalent attachment people

will do is they will form

tight relationships with very few number

of people and I'll put it to you kind of

Simply like let's think about it this

way let's say I I'm hanging out with 10

different women

how perfect will any one of those women

seem let's say I'm hanging out with one

woman how perfect will that woman seem

and this can be reversed for men and

women too where even if I'm a woman and

I'm hanging out with 10 different dudes

and I have 10 different relationships

platonic romantic flirting whatever

but if I only if there's like really

only one dude in my life it's way easier

to get romantically attached to that

person and idealize that person so this

is what's really tricky is even this

process of friend zone we begin to see

that some of the way that even you were

raised can influence why you get into

the friend zone all this stuff once we

start to put it together can paint us a

clearer picture the first is that you

may not have too many women in your life

and then what happens or men then what

happens is you start hanging out with

one person the more that you hang out

with one person the more other people

leave your life and the more this

person's esteem rises in your eyes

as you start to catch romantic feelings

now suddenly each of your interactions

means different things to both of you

the more that you become emotionally

vulnerable with this person the more

romantically attached you become whereas

for them it's just a friendship so even

one shared experience is affecting the

two people in very different ways

the other problem that we tend to run

into is as we get romantically involved

with people we increase our exposure to

them and we know that increased exposure

when you're in love leads to Stronger

feelings of love and as we put all of

these things together what you end up

doing is investing in a platonic

relationship with a romantic idea in

mind the more you invest in that

relationship and the less like recip

reciprocity there is the more resentful

you become and the more you actually

like cut out other things out of your

life and then you wind up in the friend

zone you end up losing six months nine

months or a year

so now the question becomes okay fine

let's assume that this is true there's a

lot of like nuance and science behind

this that maybe people don't understand

I know that like in the dating world and

stuff like that everyone is talking

about alphas and betas and stuff like

that that stuff has basically been

scientifically debunked it's not

scientifically valid okay so now the

question becomes okay so what should you

do about it and this is where I want to

come back to where most people's story

starts which is

I've caught feelings for this person now

what do I do and that's the kind of

thing where oftentimes when we see

people like talk about it when they

reach help it's not when they first

catch feelings it's when the feelings

have grown so much that it kind of

becomes overwhelming this is sort of a

situation of like imagine like weeds in

your garden if you leave those weeds

untended in your garden and they grow

and they sprout what are they going to

do they're going to start to choke out

all the plant life that you want they'll

be so big and their Roots will be so

deep that they it takes so much effort

just to like tear them out so oddly

enough what we actually want to help you

all do is avoid catching feelings in the

first place or the second that you find

that you catch feelings that you alter

your behavior to prevent the situation

from happening

so this is where the first thing that we

need to do is be emotionally aware right

so this is why a lot of the stuff that

we do at HG like our community event

right in the fields or what we try to do

in like group coaching or personal

coaching is we help raise people's EQ or

emotional quotient we help people like

understand their feelings more and be

aware of their feelings more and most

importantly we help them once they're

aware of their feelings not let their

feelings control their actions

so what you need to do is the moment you

start to have romantic feelings for

someone in your life the natural ideas

to hide these right because oh this

person is just my friend and if I tell

them like they're going to reject me and

we're just friends and people and girls

don't like to be girlfriends on so I

can't say anything

and this is where actually you can say

something and what you can say can be

really really impactful helpful and

actually maintain the Friendship so the

moment you notice that you're catching

feelings for someone what you should

talk to them about it and this is what

you can say hey so I know we've been

friends for a little while but I'm

starting to notice like some kind of

romantic feelings

what do you think about that right so

have a conversation with your friend I

know it sounds terrifying but approach

them kind of as a friend like hey like

we have a relationship right like hey I

have this pile of feelings and like what

do you think we should do about these

feelings should I suppress them should I

let them go could you possibly feel the

same way have you ever felt that way

about me and just have a Frank

conversation about it you can actually

give them the space to say oh like this

is what could happen right maybe they'll

say yeah sometimes I've had those

feelings too I've actually seen that

happen and then people will talk about

okay how can we try to try this

relationship or not can it work can it

not work you can have a really mature

conversation and I know it sounds kind

of bizarre

but the earlier on you do it the more

likely you are to actually successfully

transition the relationship because once

people have a solidified idea of what

the relationship is and that can be

Divergent right so once you've let your

love for this person grow out of control

then it's really hard to just be friends

and similarly for the other person once

they've let that friendship really

solidify it becomes even harder for them

to become romantic so what I tend to see

in relationships that transition from

Friendship to romantic love is that it

usually happens within the first three

months or most people will happen in the

first six months transitioning to

romantic love later tends to like the

chances tend to go down with time so the

earlier you have this conversation

actually the more likely it is to like

succeed in terms of switching it over to

romance

the second thing that this allows you to

do is let's say that they reject you and

they say they're not really rejecting

you per se and that's a whole other

conversation they're saying hey I'm not

interested in this relationship so this

is a really really key fork in the road

because at this point what you

absolutely need to do is say okay fine

thank you for letting me know I think I

need to take a step back from some of

our interactions while I sort through

these feelings

and so this is where someone may say oh

my God does this mean you're abandoning

me as my friend am I losing my friend no

you're not they're not losing you as a

friend honest to God they're not you

just need some time away from them to

sort through your feelings and then you

can let them know like hey this

friendship matters to me a lot I need to

like sort of take care of some of these

romantic feelings kind of on my own and

once I've done that I'm happy to

re-engage okay I need some time as your

friend now this is a really really

important step why because of everything

that we've talked about in terms of the

science so once you step out of the

relationship at month two you kind of

like take a step back

those romantic feelings will actually

Wilt over time because remember that

increased exposure intensifies romantic

feelings the second thing that's going

to happen is as you take a step back

from them that emotional vulnerability

and that emotional activation will also

decrease and that emotional activation

is what leads to these feelings of

romantic love

the third thing that'll happen and this

is really really really important

is that you will create the space in

your own heart mind biology

gonads wherever we don't know where it

works but we sort of know this

scientifically you will create the space

to form romantic attachments with other

people and this is what's really

important once you create that space and

you don't intensify the love with your

friend

you can actually like fall in love with

someone else and once you fall in love

with that person

hopefully you can sort of like try this

whole thing again then you can actually

go back to your friend and you can

resume the Friendship without catching

feelings for them so I know it sounds

kind of bizarre but this is like

actually works there's actually a lot of

science behind this stuff and the

problem that a lot of people have with

the friend zone is they don't understand

it's not just about falling in love

initially it's about the way that as you

engage with this person what happens to

your sensation of love it intensifies it

builds up builds up builds up and then

we confess no one who's in the friend

zone has a casual conversation about

being in love right it's always a

confession because those feelings have

grown so much that they become

overwhelming I can't resist them anymore

and now I must confess my love and then

this other person is like blindsided by

it and then they reject you and then you

feel really hurt and you've invested six

months and then you're damaged and your

thoughts are disorganized and your sense

of self is Disturbed your self-esteem is

in the pits and then you spend six

months recovering from that and by the

way there's someone else on around month

four month five that starts to listen to

your problems

right they're like oh my God yeah we're

such good friends and you confess to

them how much this girl hurt you and

then they listen to you and you all cry

together and what does that do what did

we learn from the High Altitude rickety

bridge now you start to form romantic

attachments with this person

but this person is your friend

and then you're like okay no no no no

I'm not gonna tell them they're just my

friend you spend more time with them you

increase exposure you'll get closer and

closer emotionally

but you can't say anything and then the

cycle repeats itself

so it sounds super bizarre

but I think the solution to the friend

zone is not to get out of the friend

zone it's to never get into it and this

is where you may say but Dr K you can't

control who you fall in love with

this is what's bizarre actually you can

and I want you all to think about that

for a second

we know so much about Neuroscience we

know so much about psychology we know

about where trauma comes from we know

where narcissism comes from we know

where low self-esteem comes from hell we

even know the mechanism to which

psychedelics create ego death in a

connection to all other human beings we

know things about behavioral economics

we know things about how to predict like

what the market is going to do we know

how to get people to buy Oreos we know

so many things about neuroscience and

psychology there's just one area where

neuroscience and psychology falls apart

which is love it's too mysterious right

we can't understand it we can understand

everything else about human beings but

we can't understand love that's absolute

BS we actually understand love really

well and you can actually shape who you

fall in love with now that initial

attraction you may not be able to shape

but if you really want to avoid this

whole friend zone cycle you have to

start by first of all being emotionally

aware of yourself and the moment you

have romantic feelings you should

recognize those second thing you've got

to do is have a conversation right then

and there

and that can be incredibly challenging

because oh my God I'm afraid of

rejection it's not a rejection right

you're not asking them out and this is a

key part of it you are trying to solve a

problem with your friend you're saying

hey I have this pile of feelings it's

just feelings feelings will come and

feelings will go if you've been in the

cycle of the friend zone three or four

times what happened to the first person

that friendzoned you are you still

pining over them no those feelings go

away then you fall in love with someone

else and then you repeat the cycle

so feelings can come and go and that's

okay the key thing to understand to

avoid this whole situation is awareness

of the feelings

have a conversation about it early and

for you to understand what are the

scientific factors that can make this

stuff get out of control and once you

start controlling for those factors you

won't invest into the wrong relationship

and in fact you will open yourself up to

additional relationships that can get

off on the right foot