Mel Robbins-How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over-TEDx SF Talk-2011

Summary

Mel Robbins delivers an energetic talk at TEDx, urging individuals to take action on their desires despite the lack of motivation. She emphasizes that success is simple but not easy, requiring one to overcome the 'autopilot' state of mind and push through the initial resistance of change. Robbins introduces the 'five-second rule' to combat hesitation, encouraging immediate action on impulses to avoid self-sabotage. Her message is a call to arms for personal growth and seizing opportunities, reminding the audience of their unique potential amidst a sea of one in 140 trillion chances.

Takeaways

• 🗣️ Mel Robbins is a motivational speaker who has been helping people achieve their goals for 17 years in various settings.
• 📻 She hosts a syndicated radio show where she talks to people who feel stuck and offers advice on overcoming dissatisfaction with life.
• 🏠 She is involved in a show called 'In-Laws I Move In', which aims to resolve family conflicts by facilitating open discussions about real issues.
• 🤔 Robbins encourages the audience to think about what they truly want and to be selfish in identifying their desires.
• 📚 She emphasizes that achieving one's goals is simple in theory but not necessarily easy, as it requires taking action and breaking routines.
• 🚫 Robbins criticizes the use of the word 'fine', arguing that it often masks dissatisfaction and prevents people from taking action to improve their lives.
• 🧠 She discusses the concept of 'activation energy', the force required to break from autopilot and start a new behavior.
• 🛌 Robbins suggests setting an alarm for 30 minutes earlier to confront the physical force needed to change behavior and start the day actively.
• 🚀 She proposes the 'five-second rule' to act on impulses before the mind's emergency brake kicks in and kills the idea.
• 💡 Robbins stresses the importance of getting out of one's head and comfort zone to explore and grow, as this is essential for personal development.
• 🤝 She concludes by offering her support to the audience, encouraging them to take action and make requests to achieve their goals.

Q & A

Who is the speaker at the TEDx San Francisco event?

The speaker is Mel Robbins, who has been helping people achieve their goals for the past 17 years.

What is the main theme of Mel Robbins' talk?

The main theme of Mel Robbins' talk is about how to get what you want in life by overcoming the barriers that prevent action, such as the 'fine' mindset and the autopilot mode of the brain.

What does Mel Robbins do for a living?

Mel Robbins hosts a syndicated radio show, has written a book, and is involved in various other media projects, all focused on helping people achieve their goals.

What is the 'inner snooze button' analogy Mel Robbins uses?

The 'inner snooze button' is an analogy for the tendency to dismiss or ignore good ideas and opportunities because of the inertia of routine and comfort.

What does Mel Robbins suggest is the first decision most people make in the morning?

Mel Robbins suggests that the first decision most people make in the morning is to hit the snooze button and go back to sleep, which symbolizes the resistance to change.

What is the 'activation energy' that Mel Robbins refers to?

The 'activation energy' is the force or effort required to get started on a new behavior or action, which is often the same amount of force needed to break a routine.

What is the significance of the number 'one in four hundred trillion' mentioned by Mel Robbins?

The number 'one in four hundred trillion' signifies the astronomical odds of an individual being born, emphasizing the uniqueness and potential of each person.

What is the 'five-second rule' that Mel Robbins introduces?

The 'five-second rule' is a technique where if you have an impulse to act, you must do so within five seconds or risk the mind's tendency to pull the 'emergency brake' and kill the idea.

What does Mel Robbins believe is the key to getting out of the 'autopilot' mode of the brain?

Mel Robbins believes that the key to getting out of the 'autopilot' mode is to force oneself to take action, especially when it involves stepping out of one's comfort zone.

What is the main advice Mel Robbins gives to the audience for achieving their goals?

The main advice Mel Robbins gives is to stop waiting for the right feeling or motivation and instead take action immediately, especially within the critical first few seconds of an impulse.

Outlines

00:00

🎤 Introduction to Motivation and Desire

Mel Robbins opens her TEDx talk by introducing herself as a motivator for the past 17 years, helping people achieve their goals across various settings. She mentions her radio show and a new TV show where she mediates family disputes. Robbins challenges the audience to think about what they truly want, emphasizing the importance of personal motivation over societal expectations. She highlights the abundance of resources available for self-improvement, but notes that the real obstacle is overcoming inertia, symbolized by the 'f-bomb' or the act of forcing oneself to take action.

05:01

🙅‍♀️ The Perils of Settling for 'Fine'

Robbins discusses the negative impact of settling for 'fine' in life, arguing that this mindset prevents personal growth and change. She criticizes the use of 'fine' as a way to avoid confronting dissatisfaction in various aspects of life, such as weight, relationships, and career. She emphasizes the importance of honesty with oneself about one's desires and the rarity of feeling truly motivated to make changes. Robbins also touches on the uniqueness of each individual's existence, calculated by scientists to be an astounding one in 1.4 trillion, urging the audience to recognize their potential for greatness.

10:02

🛌 Overcoming Inertia with the 'Activation Energy'

In this section, Robbins introduces the concept of 'activation energy' as the force needed to break the cycle of autopilot behavior and initiate change. She suggests a morning alarm test to physically experience the resistance to change. Robbins explains that as adults, it's our responsibility to 'parent' ourselves, pushing through the initial discomfort to achieve our goals. She humorously illustrates the point with relatable examples of household chores and personal habits, emphasizing that the struggle to change is universal and requires conscious effort.

15:04

🔄 The Danger of a Routine Life

Robbins argues that the pursuit of a stable routine can lead to boredom and stagnation, suggesting that the human soul requires exploration and growth. She likens the feeling of being stuck to a signal that a basic need for exploration is unmet. She encourages the audience to step out of their comfort zones and to stop listening to their limiting feelings, which can hinder progress toward their desires. Robbins also introduces the 'five-second rule' as a tool to combat the natural tendency to revert to autopilot and to act on impulses before the mind can resist.

20:04

⏰ Implementing the Five-Second Rule for Action

In the final paragraph, Robbins provides actionable advice on implementing the 'five-second rule' to convert fleeting impulses into actions. She explains how the mind can quickly kill an idea if not acted upon immediately, and she encourages the audience to practice this rule during the event's social activities. Robbins concludes by expressing her commitment to helping people achieve their goals and invites them to reach out for support, emphasizing the importance of taking initiative and responsibility for one's own life.

Keywords

💡Motivation

Motivation is the driving force behind one's actions and decisions. In the video, Mel Robbins emphasizes that motivation is not something that will naturally occur but must be actively sought after. She uses the example of waking up early as a metaphor for the activation energy needed to change one's routine and pursue one's goals.

💡Activation Energy

Activation energy is a concept from physics that refers to the minimum energy required to initiate a chemical reaction. Robbins applies this concept to personal change, stating that the force needed to break from autopilot and start a new habit or behavior is the 'activation energy' that people must overcome to achieve their desires.

💡Autopilot

Autopilot is a term used to describe a state of mind where one operates on routine without conscious thought. Robbins explains that the human brain prefers autopilot because it requires less effort. However, staying on autopilot prevents personal growth and achieving one's goals, which is a central theme of the video.

💡Emergency Brake

The 'emergency brake' metaphor is used by Robbins to describe the mental resistance we encounter when we attempt to break from our routines or comfort zones. It symbolizes the immediate reaction of pulling back from change, which is a barrier to achieving what one wants.

💡Fine

In the context of the video, 'fine' is a term that people often use to describe a state of being that is acceptable but not necessarily fulfilling. Robbins criticizes the use of 'fine' as it can lead to complacency and prevent individuals from pursuing their true desires or addressing dissatisfaction in their lives.

💡In-Laws

In-laws are relatives by marriage, and Robbins mentions her show 'in-laws' where she helps families resolve conflicts by moving them into the same house. This serves as an example of how she helps people confront and address real issues rather than avoiding them, which aligns with the video's theme of facing challenges head-on.

💡Snooze Button

The 'snooze button' is an analogy used by Robbins to describe how people often dismiss their own ideas and impulses, choosing comfort over action. She suggests that this immediate dismissal is a form of self-sabotage that prevents individuals from taking steps towards their goals.

💡Non-Profit

A non-profit organization is a type of entity that operates without the primary goal of making a profit, often focusing on serving a public or social cause. Robbins mentions starting a non-profit as one of the aspirations people might have, illustrating the variety of goals individuals might have and the need to act on them.

💡Hierarchy of Needs

The hierarchy of needs, as referenced by Robbins, is a psychological theory by Abraham Maslow that suggests humans have a hierarchy of needs, from basic physiological needs to self-actualization. Robbins uses this concept to argue that feeling stuck or dissatisfied is a signal that one's basic needs for exploration and growth are not being met.

💡Five-Second Rule

The 'five-second rule' introduced by Robbins is a technique to overcome hesitation and act on impulses quickly. If one does not act within five seconds of having an idea or impulse, they are likely to 'pull the emergency brake' and not follow through, which is a key point in the video's message about taking immediate action.

💡Self-Talk

Self-talk refers to the internal dialogue one has with oneself. Robbins points out that negative self-talk can be detrimental, suggesting that if people heard how they talk to themselves, they might be shocked into changing their internal narratives to be more supportive and less critical.

Highlights

Mel Robbins introduces herself as a motivator for the past 17 years, helping people achieve their goals in various settings.

She hosts a radio show and has interacted with millions of Americans who feel stuck in life, revealing a widespread sense of dissatisfaction.

Robbins discusses her new show 'In-Laws I Move In', aiming to resolve family conflicts by addressing underlying issues rather than superficial arguments.

The importance of identifying and focusing on personal desires, with an encouragement to be selfish and prioritize one's own aspirations.

A critique of the word 'fine' as a barrier to personal growth, suggesting that it allows people to settle for less than they truly want.

The concept of 'activation energy' in personal development, illustrating the initial resistance to change and the need to overcome it.

A challenge to the audience to change their morning routine as a practical example of overcoming inertia and initiating change.

The role of self-parenting in adulthood, emphasizing the responsibility to make oneself do things that are necessary for growth.

A metaphorical explanation of the brain's autopilot and emergency brake functions, highlighting the struggle between routine and change.

The idea that boredom in life stems from a lack of exploration and growth, which are fundamental needs for the soul.

The 'five-second rule' introduced as a tool to combat hesitation and to act on impulses before the mind can resist.

The importance of acting on ideas within five seconds to prevent the mind from suppressing them with the emergency brake.

A call to action for the audience to practice the five-second rule at the event, encouraging them to step out of their comfort zone.

Robbins offers her support to help people achieve their goals, emphasizing the need for them to take the initiative to ask for help.

The significance of the audience's unique existence, with a reminder that they all have the potential to make a significant impact.

A final encouragement to stand up and take action, embodying the core message of the talk to overcome inertia and pursue one's desires.

Transcripts

[Music]

bigger welcome below San Francisco TEDx

ohmygod blinding light hi everybody how

are you fine oh my gosh okay so my name

is Mel Robbins and for the last 17 years

I have done nothing but help people get

everything that they want within reason

my husband's here and so I've done it in

the court room in the boardroom in the

bedroom in people's living room whatever

room you want to be in if I'm there I

will help you get whatever you want by

any means necessary for the last three

years I post I host a syndicated radio

show five days a week I go live in 40

cities and I talk to men and women

across America who feels stuck do you

know that a third of Americans feel

dissatisfied with their lives right now

that is a hundred million people that's

insane and I've come face-to-face with

it in this new show that I'm doing which

is also insane it's called in-laws I

move in with families across America you

guessed it who are at war with their

in-laws we move them into the same house

I've herbally assassinate everybody we

open up Pandora's box and I get people

to stop arguing about the doughnuts and

who's hosting Thanksgiving dinner and

talk about the real stuff and that's

what I want to talk to you about I'm

here for you I'm gonna tell you

everything I know in less than 18

minutes about how to get what you want

so I want you to take a millisecond

right now and I want you to think about

what you want you and I want you be

selfish

screw Simon and the wee thing this is

about me right now

sorry Simon um what do you want and

here's the deal I don't want it to sound

good to other people being healthy will

not get your ass on a treadmill losing

your manboobs so you could hook up with

somebody

now that's motivation so I want to know

what do you want do you want to lose

weight do you want to triple your income

do you want to start a non-profit do you

want to find love what is it get it

right here you know what it is don't let

the death just pick something that's

part of the problem you won't pick so

we're gonna be talking about how you get

what you want and frankly getting what

you want is simple but notice I didn't

say it was easy it's very simple in fact

if you think about it we live in the

most amazing moment in time so that

thing that you have up here whatever it

may be you want to use healthy eating to

cure your diabetes you want to figure

out how to take care of the elders and

start a new hospice center you want to

move to Africa and build a school guess

what you can walk into a bookstore right

now and buy at least ten books written

by credentialed experts on how the hell

you doing you could google it and you

could probably find at least I don't

know a thousand blogs documenting the

step by step by step transformation that

somebody else is already doing you can

find anybody online and cyberstalk them

you can just walk in their footsteps and

let they you know just use the science

of drafting follow what everyone else

has done cuz somebody else is already

doing it so why don't you have what you

want when you have all the information

that you need you have the contacts that

you need there are probably free tools

online that allow you to start a

business or join a group or do whatever

the

do you want it all comes down to one

word

shut the front door you know what I'm

talking about the f-bomb it's everywhere

you hear it all the time and I honestly

don't understand what the appeal is of

the word I mean you don't sound smart

when you say it and it's really not

expressing how you really feel it's sort

of a cheap you know shot to take and of

course you know I'm talking about the

word fine how you doing I'm fine oh

really you are dragging around those

extra 40 pounds you're fine

feeling like roommates with your spouse

and you're fine you haven't had sex in

four months you're fine really

I don't think so

but see here's the deal with saying that

you're fine it's actually genius because

if you're fine you don't have to do

anything about it but when you think

about this word fine it just makes me so

angry I mean here we are at a conference

about being alive and you're gonna

describe the experience of being alive

as fine a flimsy and feeble word your

crappy say your crappy if you're amazing

say you're amazing tell the truth and

this not only goes for the social

construct oh I don't want to burden you

with the fact that I hate my life or you

know hey I'm amazing but that would make

you feel terrible the bigger issue the

bigger issue with fine is that you say

it to yourself that thing that you want

I guarantee you you've convinced

yourself that you're fine not having it

that's why you're not pushing yourself

it's the areas in your life where you've

given up where you've said oh I'm fine

my mom's never gonna change so I just

can't have that conversation I'm fine

you know we got to wait until the kids

graduate before we get divorced so we'll

just sleep in separate bedrooms I'm fine

I lost my job I can barely pay my bills

but whatever it's hard to get a job

and you know one of the reasons why this

word also just annoys me so much is

scientists have calculated oh yeah I'm

coming down scientists have calculated

the odds of you being born that's right

they've crunched the numbers I see you

up there

they have crunched the numbers on you

yeah no you guys standing up you want to

sit down for this they've crunched the

numbers on you being born and they took

into account all of the wars and the

natural disasters and the dinosaurs and

everything else and do you realize that

the odds the odds of you yeah right here

put your computer way stand up for me

done so the odds of dog hair turn around

say hi to everybody the odds yeah of

Doug Doug being born at the moment in

time he was born to the parents you were

born to with the DNA structure that you

have a hundred no one and four hundred

trillion isn't it amazing

yes you're not fine you're fantastic

you have life-changing ideas for a

reason and it's not the torture yourself

thank you thank you Doug you know

Christine was right when she said all of

you could be on stage because all of you

are all in this category one and four

hundred trillion all day long you have

ideas that could change your life that

could change the world that could change

the way that you feel and what do you do

with them nothing

oh hopefully it won't moon you

you didn't pay for that and I want you

to just think for a minute because we

all have I love to use the analogy the

inner snooze button you have these

amazing ideas that bubble up right

you've been watching people all day and

I guarantee you like you know ping-pong

balls boom boom boom boom oh my mom you

got idea what should be this and every

time you have an idea what do you do

it's a snooze what's the first decision

you made this morning I bet it was to go

back to bed yeah first decision today

I'm a hundred one and four hundred

trillion I'm gonna go back to sleep and

I get it your bed is comfortable it's

cozy it's warm if you're lucky you've

got you know like somebody that you love

next to you or in my case I've got my

husband and my two kids and possibly the

dog and the reason why I'm bringing up

this first decision that you made today

and the inner snooze alarm is because in

any area of your life that you want to

change any there's one fact that you

need to know just one you're never gonna

feel like it

ever no one's coming motivation isn't

happening you're never gonna feel like

it scientists call it activation energy

that's what they call the force required

to get you to change from what you're

doing on autopilot to do something new

so try this test tomorrow you think

you're so fancy I know you're attending

Ted try this tomorrow morning

set your alarm for 30 minutes earlier

and then when it goes off take those

sheets throw them off and stand up and

start your day no snooze no delay no

I'll just wait here for five seconds

says Mel's not standing here do it and

the reason why I want you to do it is

because you will come face to face with

the physical and I mean physical force

that's required to change your behavior

do you think that somebody who needs to

lose weight ever feels like going on a

diet of course not do you think they

ever feel like eating boiled chicken and

peas instead of a croissant I'll think

so the activation energy required to get

your ass away from your computer and out

your front door to go on the walk you

said that you were going to go on is the

exact same amount of force that it takes

you to push yourself out of a warm bed

and into a cold room what's interesting

about being an adult is that when you

become 18 nobody tells you that it's now

going to be your job to parent yourself

and by parent yourself I mean it's your

job to make yourself do the crap you

don't want to do so you can be

everything that you're supposed to be

and you're so damn busy waiting to feel

like it and you're never going to my

one never feels like getting off as DS

that's my job get off the damn D s

Kendall clean up the Barbies if you're

gonna have a nude party in my bathroom

at least clean it up

God chew with your mouth closed we're

gonna barn for crying out loud all right

dinner's coming get out of the pantry as

parents and you were a kid your parents

make you do the things you don't feel

like doing because you won't ever not

now not then not ever and even when you

get good at something you'll figure out

something else you don't want to do and

then you'll plateau out and you'll get

boring I hate this dad this is a boring

yeah but will you look for now you'll

just [ __ ] about that one it's very very

simple to get what you want but it's not

easy you have to force yourself and I

mean force and the reason why I use the

word force when Roz is up here and

talking about the emotion tracking and

she had the picture of the two sides of

the brain I look at the brain the exact

same way only I describe one side of

your brain is autopilot and the other

side is emergency brake that's the only

two speeds you get auto pilot emergency

brake and guess which one your brain

likes better autopilot you've had the

experience where you've driven to work

right you get there like oh my god I

don't remember driving here you weren't

drunk that was your brain on autopilot

it was functioning just at this level

and the problem with your mind is that

anytime you do anything that's different

from your normal routine guess what your

brain does emergency brake and it has

that reaction for everything everything

you walk into the kitchen and you see

everybody's left their breakfast dishes

for you and you think for the hundredth

time I'm gonna kill them in fact I'm

gonna leave this here and I'm gonna make

them do it but that's not your norm

routine is it your mangoes emergency

break and you go right into autopilot

I'll just load it and be pissed and then

I have sex what I mean

so when I say force anything that's a

break from your routine is gonna require

force and if you think about your life

it's kind of funny because we you know

are kids and then we become adults and

we spend so much time trying to push our

life into some sort of stable routine

and then we grow bored of it he wake up

at what the same time every day you have

largely the same breakfast you drive to

work the same way you show up at work

you look busy you avoid making calls you

update Facebook you attend the meeting

and doodle the whole time you go back

and update Facebook you make plans for

the evening you look busy some more then

you drive home the same way largely the

same dinner or you know variety of it

you watch the same kind of media and

then you go to bed and do the same thing

all over again no wonder you're bored

out of your mind

it's the routine that's killing you I

have this theory about why people get

stuck in life so most of you have

probably taken your basic psych 101

class and you've bumped into Andrew

Maslow's hierarchy of needs well your

body is kind of cool because you have

these basic needs and your body is wired

to send you signals if you are hungry or

I mean if you need food what do you feel

if you need water what do you feel if

you need sex what do you feel thank you

I think when you feel stuck or

dissatisfied in your life it's a signal

and it's not a signal that your life is

broken it's a signal that one of your

most basic needs are not being met your

need for exploration everything about

your life about your body grows your

cells regenerate your hair your nails

everything grows for your entire life

and your soul needs exploration and

growth and the only way you'll get it is

by forcing yourself to be uncomfortable

forcing yourself to get outside out of

your head thank you if you're in your

head you're behind enemy lines that is

not God talking okay it's not in fact if

I put a speaker on it and we broadcast

what you say to yourself we would

institutionalize you you would not hang

out with people that talk to you the way

you talk to yourself

so get out of your head your feelings

your feelings are screwing you I don't

care how you feel I care about what you

want and if you listen to how you feel

when it comes to what you want you will

not get it because you will never feel

like it

and you need to get outside your comfort

zone it's not about taking risks it's

about getting out side your comfort zone

those first three seconds when you push

yourself out of bed they blow but once

you're up it's great those first three

seconds when you're sitting here in a

studio or stadium like this and somebody

says get up and come dance and you think

oh I should do that and they're like oh

that experience that you had where you

had the impulse to do it and then you

didn't do the activation energy required

to force yourself your emergency brake

up hold I'm sitting right here

I'm not going up with those crazy people

I don't like the dance and

me me me me me no way well what happened

for me as I came up and I bumped into

Rachel and then we started talking and

next thing you know she's tweeting and

we're friends and boom get outside

that's where the magic is that's where

the one and four hundred trillion exists

so everything I do oh okay this is the

last part sorry

so one more thing that you can use I

call it the five-second rule your mind

can process a facial expression in 33

milliseconds it can move pretty damn

quick the other thing that it does very

quickly is if you have one of those

little impulses that are pulling you if

you don't marry it with an action within

five second you pull the emergency brake

and kill the idea kill it if you have

the impulse to get up and come dance

while the band is playing if you don't

stand up in five seconds you're gonna

pull the emergency brake if you have an

impulse about you were inspired by

somebody's speech today and you don't do

something within five seconds write a

note send yourself a text anything

physical to marry it with the idea you

will pull the emergency brake and kill

the idea your problem isn't ideas your

problem is you don't act on them you

kill them so I'm my fault it's not

anybody's fault you're doing it to

yourself stop it

I'm counting on you one and four hundred

trillion you got stuff to do and it's

not gonna happen in your head so I want

you to practice this today when we go

off to party thank god it's coming soon

because I think we all could use a

cocktail I want you to practice the

five-second rule you see somebody and

you think they have that impulse they

look interesting walk over there you

were inspired by somebody and you have a

request make it that's why you're here

experiment with it and I think you'll be

shocked about what happens and one more

thing you know I want you to know that

everything that I do whether it's the

radio show or the television show or the

book that I wrote or the column it's for

you and if there is anything that I can

do if I can do anything to make you do

the things you don't want to do so you

can have what you want I will do it but

you need to walk over you need to open

your mouth and you need to make the

request you got it good

go do it thank you thank you yes stand

up you have the impulse stand up thank

you