Men Rarely Understand This About Women | Jordan Peterson

Summary

The speaker emphasizes the importance of communication in resolving conflicts within a marriage, highlighting women's heightened sensitivity to negative emotions and their role as 'threat detectors'. He advises men to listen patiently, allowing their wives to express concerns without immediately jumping to solutions. The transcript also stresses the necessity of dedicating at least 90 minutes a week to discuss domestic matters to maintain a healthy relationship, and the idea that identity within a marriage is a continuous negotiation rather than a fixed concept.

Takeaways

• 👂 Listening is crucial in conflict resolution, especially with women who are often more sensitive to negative emotions.
• 🧐 Women tend to initiate discussions about concerns, which may not always be actual problems, but it's important to let them express to clarify issues.
• 🤔 Women's sensitivity to threat can be a strength in a relationship, as they often detect issues before men do.
• 💡 It's not helpful to jump to solutions immediately; allowing the discussion to unfold can lead to a better understanding of the problem.
• 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 Spouses should spend at least 90 minutes a week discussing their lives, domestic economy, children, and relationship to maintain intimacy and prevent misunderstandings.
• 🚫 Avoid the tendency to 'box' your partner, which can lead to stagnation and boredom in the relationship.
• 🌱 Facilitating your partner's development and communication can keep the relationship dynamic and alive.
• 🤝 Identity in a marriage is a constant negotiation, not a fixed concept defined solely by oneself.
• 💑 True intimacy requires regular and meaningful communication about practical affairs and emotions.
• 👶 Women's sensitivity to threat is partly due to their role in caring for infants, which has evolved to include a broader sensitivity to negative emotions.
• 🤝 The importance of understanding and allowing for the expression of concerns cannot be overstated for maintaining a healthy relationship.

Q & A

Why is it important to listen to women when there is conflict according to the script?

The script suggests that women are generally more sensitive to negative emotions than men and serve as 'threat alert' systems in relationships. Listening to them allows for the early detection and clarification of potential issues.

What is the role of women in a relationship as described in the script?

Women are portrayed as being more sensitive to negative emotions and threats, often initiating discussions about concerns that may not necessarily be problems but are important to address to maintain a healthy relationship.

Why might women initiate more divorces than men, as mentioned in the script?

The script suggests that women might initiate more divorces because they are more sensitive to the problems within a relationship and may pick up on issues before men do.

Why is it not helpful for a husband to immediately try to solve a problem brought up by his wife?

The script explains that the wife may not know the exact problem and needs to discuss various concerns. Jumping to solutions too early can be unhelpful as it prevents the identification of the actual issue.

What is the significance of allowing a woman to discuss her concerns without interruption?

Allowing a woman to express her concerns helps in clarifying the actual problem. It is a process of elimination that helps to 'zero in' on the real issue, which is essential before offering a solution.

Why is it crucial for couples to spend dedicated time talking about their lives and relationship?

The script emphasizes that at least 90 minutes a week of focused conversation helps keep the relationship updated and prevents misunderstandings and drifts that can lead to divorce.

What is the recommended minimum time for couples to spend discussing their relationship and family matters?

The script suggests a minimum of 90 minutes a week to discuss practical affairs, domestic economy, children, and the relationship itself.

Why is it difficult to have a romantic adventure with your spouse if there are unresolved issues?

The script indicates that unresolved issues can hinder the ability to engage in a playful and intimate state, as play is a fragile state that requires a clear and sorted relationship.

What does the script suggest about the nature of identity within a marriage?

The script posits that identity in a marriage is not fixed but is a constant negotiation between partners. It is not solely defined by individual desires but is shaped through mutual understanding and agreement.

What does the script imply about the importance of communication in preventing a partner from being 'boxed in'?

The script implies that open communication and support for each other's development can prevent partners from becoming stagnant or 'boxed in,' keeping the relationship dynamic and alive.

What is the potential consequence of not engaging in regular communication with one's partner, as per the script?

The script warns that without regular communication, couples may drift apart, leading to a higher likelihood of divorce and the breakdown of the relationship.

Outlines

00:00

👂 Listening and Understanding in Conflict Resolution

The first paragraph discusses the importance of listening to women during conflicts, as they tend to be more sensitive to negative emotions compared to men. It suggests that women often initiate conversations about potential issues, which may not always be critical, but their sensitivity allows them to detect problems early. The speaker, a therapist, advises against immediately offering solutions, instead recommending to let the woman express her concerns to clarify the actual issue. The paragraph emphasizes the value of regular communication in a relationship, suggesting at least 90 minutes a week to discuss life, family, and the relationship itself to maintain intimacy and prevent misunderstandings that could lead to divorce.

05:00

🔄 The Dynamic Nature of Identity and Communication in Marriage

The second paragraph explores the concept of identity within a marriage, highlighting that it is not a fixed concept but rather a continuous negotiation between partners. The speaker warns against the cultural misconception of an unchangeable personal identity and stresses the importance of allowing both partners to evolve and reveal new aspects of themselves. This dynamic interaction keeps the relationship alive and prevents stagnation. The paragraph also touches on the idea of 'boxing' a partner, a metaphor for limiting their growth and expression within the relationship, which can lead to boredom and dissatisfaction. The speaker encourages open communication and mutual support for personal development to maintain a vibrant and fulfilling marriage.

Keywords

💡Conflict Resolution

The process of addressing and resolving disputes or disagreements. In the video, the speaker discusses the importance of listening and understanding a partner's concerns rather than immediately trying to solve the problem. This approach is key in resolving conflicts effectively.

💡Listening

The act of paying attention and processing what someone else is saying. The speaker emphasizes that listening to a partner, especially in times of conflict, is crucial for understanding their concerns and emotions before attempting to provide solutions.

💡Sensitivity to Negative Emotion

The tendency to react strongly to negative stimuli or emotions. The speaker notes that women, on average, are more sensitive to negative emotions, which influences how they perceive and communicate about problems in a relationship.

💡Agreeableness

A personality trait characterized by warmth, kindness, and a tendency to avoid conflict. The speaker mentions that women are generally more agreeable, which can affect their approach to relationships and conflict resolution.

💡Threat Detection

The ability to perceive and respond to potential dangers or problems. According to the speaker, women are more sensitive to threats, which can lead them to bring up concerns more frequently and earlier than men.

💡Divorce Initiation

The act of starting legal proceedings to end a marriage. The speaker cites statistics that women initiate about 75% of divorces, suggesting they may recognize relationship issues earlier than men.

💡Therapy

A treatment aimed at relieving emotional distress and promoting mental health. The speaker draws parallels between therapeutic practices and effective communication in relationships, such as allowing a partner to express their concerns fully.

💡Problem-Solving

The process of finding solutions to difficult or complex issues. The speaker warns against jumping to solutions too quickly in a relationship, advocating for a more patient approach to understanding the true nature of problems.

💡Intimacy

A close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship. The speaker emphasizes that regular communication about various aspects of life is essential for maintaining intimacy in a marriage.

💡Communication

The exchange of information between individuals. The speaker stresses that effective communication is fundamental in keeping a relationship dynamic and resolving conflicts.

💡Romantic Adventure

The playful and exciting aspect of a romantic relationship. The speaker notes that unresolved issues can hinder the ability to engage in romantic adventures with one's partner.

💡Identity Negotiation

The process of continuously shaping and reshaping one's identity through interactions with others. In a marriage, both partners negotiate their identities and roles to maintain a healthy relationship.

Highlights

Listening is crucial in resolving conflicts with your wife.

Women are generally more sensitive to negative emotions than men.

Women often bring up concerns due to their higher sensitivity to threats.

Men should avoid jumping to solutions too early when addressing their wife's concerns.

Allowing women to express their concerns fully helps in identifying the real problem.

Spending 90 minutes a week discussing life and relationship issues is vital for a healthy marriage.

Addressing issues regularly prevents problems from escalating to divorce.

Intimacy and romantic adventure require resolving underlying issues in a relationship.

Negotiating identity with your partner is a constant and necessary process.

Effective communication helps keep the relationship dynamic and alive.

People often unconsciously confine their partners, stifling growth and excitement.

Facilitating each other's development reveals new aspects of the partner, maintaining relationship vitality.

Understanding your partner deeply prevents the boredom that can come from boxing them in.

Even wise and mature individuals need to practice patience and listening in relationships.

Constant communication weaves your stories together, ensuring mutual understanding and shared goals.

Transcripts

how do you approach your wife when there

is

conflict well one of the things you have

to understand about women is you have to

listen to them so women are more

sensitive to negative emotion than men

on average my wife is actually

insensitive to negative emotion for a

female but generally speaking women are

more agreeable that would be part of the

maternal dimension of their personality

and they're more sensitive to negative

emotion so they're detection systems and

so a woman will bring you her concerns

now

because she's sensitive to threat she

produces a fair number of false

positives right so she's concerned about

things that maybe aren't maybe it's not

necessary to be concerned about but

she'll be concerned about them before

you are women initiate about 75% of

divorces for example and you might say

well that means women are primarily

Troublesome within a relationship it's

like well possibly it's also possible

that they pick up what's wrong in a

relationship before men do on average

and so and because women have to care

for infants that's why they're more

sensitive to threat that's not the only

reason they're also more sexually

vulnerable they're more physically

vulnerable makes perfect sense that

they'd be more sensitive to negative

emotion and that means that in a

relationship they serve the function of

threat alert and so a woman will be

concerned about something and she'll

bring her concerns to her husband and

he'll try to solve the problem right

away but that's not helpful because she

doesn't know what the problem is

necessarily so she has to wander around

and talk about all the things that might

be a problem and if you let her do that

she'll dispense with most of that and

then you can kind of zero in on what the

problem might be and then if you like if

you let the discussion unfold to that

degree then you can potentially offer a

solution but you can't do that too early

you learn this in therapy too like when

people come to lay out their life to you

you might even know what they should do

but you can't tell them first of all

they won't listen second they're annoyed

if you tell them because they need to

figure it out it's you can't steal

someone's Destiny from them you know if

you solve all your children's problems

for them well you might think well they

have no problems it's like yeah they

have a problem they don't how to solve

their own problems that's a big problem

and so you got to back the hell off and

it's frustrating for men often

to participate in that more feminine

mode of approaching the world but if you

understand

that a woman who's more sensitive to

trouble will detect things

early and that her discussion of those

things that upsets her will clarify

problems maybe even before they

arise then you can understand that it's

useful I mean I still have to even after

years of practicing this with Tammy I

still have

to stifle my proclivity to LEAP to the

solution you know but it's you want to

solve the right problem man so you got

to listen and my experience as a

therapist indicated to me that in the

typical marriage people need to spend at

least 90 minutes a week talking to each

other just about their lives just about

the domestic economy about their kids

about their relationship just to keep

everything up to date and it's very

difficult to have any true intimacy if

that

isn't allowed for did you I'm sorry did

you say 90 minutes a day no 90 minutes a

week is that

rare half marriages end in divorce so

it's rare

enough you know I mean you might find

that frustrating that you have to spend

that much time attending

to your domestic landscape let's say but

it's better to do that on a regular

basis than to do it in divorce court

while you're paying your lawyers you

know $500 an hour and having a custody

battle for your kids for 10 years which

is not a fate that I would recommend for

anyone who wants to have a happy life so

it's also the case it's very difficult

to engage in any

romantic adventure with your wife if

there's things between you it's very

hard cuz that's a form of play that

romantic adventure and play is a very

fragile psychophysiological state if

there's anything between you that hasn't

been sorted out you can't play so very

interesting I did not realize that was a

I mean 90 minutes a week sounds like

nothing hey man if it stops you if it

keeps your marriage together it's pretty

decent investment you know I say that's

a minimum yeah but you know and that

then that would be 90 minutes a week

that's specifically devoted to well like

your marriage and family as a business

let's say you know practical Affairs

practical Affairs may take longer than

that depends on how much disarray there

is in your life but if you start hoping

that it's going to be less than that

while you drift apart too you have to

weave your stories together like a rope

across your life you have to know what

your wife is up to and what she's

thinking and vice versa you have to be

on board with your interpretation of the

past and the present and also your AIMS

in the future and that's constant

negotiation see you know in our culture

we have this idiot idea that your

identity is whatever you say it is I

mean it's unbelievably immature and

narcissistic in a marriage your identity

is almost never what you say it is

you're negotiating who you are with your

wife all the time and vice versa and

with your kids for that matter your

identity if you're a civilized human

being your identity is a negotiation you

know people think I just got to be me

it's like I don't want to be around you

if that's what you're like I don't mean

that you should be a pushover and that

there should be nothing in the situation

for you you know that you live like a

bitter martyr only for the pleasure of

other people that's not helpful but

being mature means negotiating your

identity constantly constantly you know

that keeps you alert and alive too

and I spoke with a very wise man here

Tor norrander just a week ago and and uh

he said something interesting you know

he said that he could see all women and

his wife and I thought how the hell do

you figure that out that's a rare thing

to understand he's a very wise person a

Danish author

and if you communicate and

you then you have all that in your

relationship you can let all that make

itself

manifest and if you do that don't box up

your wife what is it Peter Peter pumpkin

eater put his wife in a pumpkin shell

and they kept her very well what does

that mean well that's what people do to

each other they put they put each other

in a box and they don't

let they don't let their partner or

themselves out of that box and then they

get

bored well if you communicate with your

partner and you facilitate their

development then they continually reveal

new parts of themselves and then your

relationship stays Dynamic and alive and

that's a good deal do you think people

realize they put their Partners in a

box you can get a to a very bad place

one idiot step at a time so do you

realize

it you realize what you're doing at each

micro step you may be completely

ignorant of the total consequence of

that you know like if you want to build

a pathological personality you do that

one lie at a time and you might say well

is someone with a pathological

personality conscious of their pathology

and the answer is no it's habitual by

that point but they were conscious at

each decision step