Making Marriage Work | Dr. John Gottman

Summary

Dr. John Gottman's 'Making Marriage Work' explores the secrets of successful relationships through extensive research on over 3,000 couples. Gottman identifies key factors such as a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions, the importance of friendship, and the ability to repair conflicts. He also discusses the concept of 'shared meaning' as a crucial element in maintaining a strong and lasting bond.

Takeaways

• 🔬 Dr. John Gottman is an expert in relationship research, having studied over 3,000 couples over 32 years to understand the dynamics that make relationships work.
• 🌈 He emphasizes that he is not a 'relationship guru' but bases his insights on extensive research, including studies with gay, lesbian, and heterosexual couples.
• 📈 Gottman discovered that a ratio of positive to negative interactions of 5:1 is a key indicator of successful relationships, highlighting the importance of positivity in conflict resolution.
• 🐎 He identified the 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' in relationships: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling, which are predictive of divorce.
• 🛡️ The antidote to these negative patterns is building a culture of appreciation, respect, and turning towards bids for emotional connection, rather than away from them.
• 💡 Gottman's research shows that 69% of marital conflicts are perpetual and often remain unresolved, suggesting that the goal should be to move from gridlock to dialogue in handling these issues.
• 🤝 He stresses the importance of 'softened startup' in addressing issues, where couples present their concerns gently and with appreciation, leading to more effective communication.
• 💖 The concept of 'love maps' is introduced as a way to understand a partner's inner world, dreams, and aspirations, which is fundamental to building a strong friendship within the relationship.
• 👫 Gottman found that men who accept influence from their partners are more likely to have lasting relationships, reflecting the importance of mutual respect and consideration.
• 🧘‍♂️ The ability to calm down during conflict by taking breaks and reducing physiological arousal is crucial for effective problem-solving and maintaining a sense of humor in difficult discussions.
• 🌟 Creating a 'shared meaning system' in a relationship, where couples build something meaningful together beyond their individual selves, contributes significantly to the relationship's longevity and depth.

Q & A

Who is the main speaker in the provided transcript?

The main speaker in the transcript is Dr. John Gottman, a renowned researcher on relationships.

What is Dr. Gottman's area of expertise?

Dr. Gottman is an expert in researching relationships, having studied over 3,000 couples over 32 years to understand what makes relationships work.

What is the 'apartment laboratory' Dr. Gottman refers to in the transcript?

The 'apartment laboratory' is a research facility built at the University of Washington by Dr. Gottman, designed to observe couples in a setting similar to a bed and breakfast getaway, allowing natural interactions while monitoring their physiological responses.

What is the significance of the 'masters of relationships' and 'disasters' groups mentioned by Dr. Gottman?

The 'masters of relationships' refers to couples whose relationships improved over time, while the 'disasters' refers to those whose relationships fell apart or remained unhappy. Dr. Gottman's research aimed to identify differences between these two groups.

What is the 'ratio of positive to negative' that Dr. Gottman discusses in the context of relationship success?

Dr. Gottman found that in relationships that stay together, there is a ratio of five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. This ratio is indicative of a healthy relationship dynamic.

What are the 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' in relationship terms as described by Dr. Gottman?

The 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' in relationships are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. These are negative patterns of interaction that can predict the end of a relationship.

How can couples build a 'culture of appreciation' according to Dr. Gottman?

Couples can build a 'culture of appreciation' by expressing gratitude and respect for one another, even for small things, and by creating an environment where they look for and acknowledge positive aspects of their partner.

What are the three components of intimacy that Dr. Gottman identifies in successful relationships?

The three components of intimacy are having an updated 'love map' of one's partner's inner world, expressing 'fondness and admiration' through appreciation and respect, and 'turning toward' one another's bids for emotional connection.

What is the concept of 'positive sentiment override' in the context of relationships?

'Positive sentiment override' is a state of mind where positive feelings for one's partner and the relationship override temporary negative feelings or conflicts, allowing for more effective conflict resolution and emotional connection.

How does Dr. Gottman suggest dealing with perpetual problems in a relationship?

Dr. Gottman suggests moving from 'gridlock' to 'dialogue' by understanding the underlying 'life dreams' within each person's position on the issue, and finding a way to honor both dreams to create a deeper level of intimacy.

What role does 'shared meaning' play in the long-term success of a relationship according to Dr. Gottman?

'Shared meaning' is crucial for the long-term success of a relationship as it involves creating a sense of purpose and significance that goes beyond the individual partners, such as shared values, goals, and a collective identity.

Outlines

00:00

🔬 Research on Relationship Success

Dr. John Gottman introduces his expertise in relationship research, emphasizing that he's not a self-proclaimed guru but a researcher who has studied over 3,000 couples for 32 years. He explains the methodology of his research, including the use of an apartment laboratory to observe couples' interactions and physiological responses. Gottman and his colleague Bob Levinson discovered that they could predict the success or failure of relationships with over 90% accuracy, based on how couples handle conflict and disagreement.

05:00

📊 Positive to Negative Interaction Ratio

Gottman discusses the importance of maintaining a high ratio of positive interactions to negative ones in relationships. He reveals that successful relationships have a ratio of 5:1, meaning five positive interactions for every negative one. He also explains that negativity in relationships can be productive, as it can highlight issues that need addressing. However, the 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse'—criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling—are particularly harmful and predictive of divorce.

10:02

💔 The Impact of the Four Horsemen

This paragraph delves deeper into the 'Four Horsemen', explaining how they can lead to the breakdown of a relationship. Criticism is described as an attack on a partner's personality, while contempt involves feeling superior and insulting the partner. Defensiveness often arises from feeling criticized, and stonewalling is the emotional withdrawal during conflict. Gottman contrasts these behaviors with healthier alternatives, such as expressing oneself, accepting responsibility, and showing respect and appreciation.

15:02

👫 Building Intimacy and Friendship

Gottman outlines the principles for building a strong friendship within a relationship, which includes creating 'love maps' to understand each other's inner worlds, expressing fondness and admiration, and responding positively to bids for emotional connection. He suggests that these elements contribute to a state of 'positive sentiment override', which helps couples navigate conflicts and maintain a strong bond.

20:05

🤝 Conflict Resolution and Repair

The speaker discusses the importance of conflict resolution in maintaining a healthy relationship. He explains that most conflicts are perpetual and cannot be fully resolved, but they can be managed through dialogue. Gottman emphasizes the ability of 'masters' of relationships to repair conflicts through recovery conversations and maintaining a sense of humor and affection even during disagreements.

25:05

💕 The Role of Shared Meaning

In this paragraph, Gottman explores the concept of shared meaning in relationships, suggesting that couples who feel they are building something together beyond their individual selves experience greater relationship satisfaction. He talks about creating a shared meaning system by intentionally building love maps, honoring each other's dreams, and considering the cultural and personal legacy within the relationship.

Keywords

💡Relationship Research

Relationship research, as discussed by Dr. John Gottman, involves the systematic study of how couples interact and what factors contribute to the success or failure of their relationships. It is central to the video's theme, as Gottman's work has been instrumental in identifying patterns that predict relationship stability or divorce. For example, he mentions studying over 3,000 couples and using methods like videotaping their interactions to understand what makes relationships work.

💡Positive to Negative Ratio

The positive to negative ratio refers to the balance of positive interactions (like kindness, affection, and empathy) to negative ones (like criticism, hostility, and anger) in a relationship. Gottman found that in successful relationships, there are five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. This ratio is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship dynamic, as it suggests that for every negative act, five positive acts are needed to maintain balance.

💡Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

In the context of the video, the 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' are four negative communication patterns that predict divorce: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. These behaviors are destructive to relationships and are characteristic of couples who end up divorced. For instance, criticism involves attacking a partner's character, while contempt shows a feeling of superiority over the partner.

💡Love Maps

Love maps are an internal representation of a partner's inner world, including their feelings, thoughts, and experiences. They are a key component of friendship within a relationship, as they reflect the depth of understanding and interest one has in their partner. Gottman emphasizes the importance of updating these 'maps' through asking open-ended questions to maintain intimacy and connection.

💡Fondness and Admiration

Fondness and admiration are expressions of affection and respect towards one's partner. They are part of what Gottman calls a 'culture of appreciation,' where partners regularly communicate their positive feelings for each other. This concept is illustrated in the script when Gottman talks about the importance of expressing gratitude and admiration, even for small things, to build a strong relational foundation.

💡Turning Toward

Turning toward refers to the act of responding positively to a partner's bids for attention or connection. It is a微小 (small) but significant way of building intimacy in a relationship. Gottman explains that even minor moments of connection, such as acknowledging a comment about a pretty boat, contribute to a couple's emotional bank account. The opposite, turning away, can lead to feelings of disconnection and hurt.

💡Positive Sentiment Override

Positive sentiment override is a state of mind where one's overall positive feelings for their partner overshadow any temporary negative feelings or conflicts. This concept is crucial in the video as it helps couples to maintain a positive outlook on their relationship even during disagreements. Gottman notes that when love maps, fondness and admiration, and turning toward are in place, couples are more likely to experience positive sentiment override.

💡Gridlock

Gridlock in a relationship refers to a state where couples are stuck in conflict without being able to resolve their issues. Gottman describes it as a situation where every attempt to discuss a problem leads to the 'Four Horsemen' or emotional disengagement. The video emphasizes the importance of moving from gridlock to dialogue by understanding and honoring the underlying dreams and narratives within each person's position.

💡Shared Meaning

Shared meaning is the sense of purpose and significance that couples create together in their relationship. It involves building a shared understanding of their roles, values, and goals. Gottman suggests that by intentionally creating a shared meaning system, couples can deepen their connection and find greater satisfaction in their relationship. This concept is illustrated in the script when he talks about how couples can build meaning through their cultural legacy, mission in life, and roles within the family.

💡Compromise

Compromise in the context of the video refers to the ability of couples to find a middle ground in their disagreements. Gottman highlights that masters of relationships are able to move towards compromise by starting conversations gently, accepting influence from their partner, and calming down during conflicts. This ability to compromise is crucial for resolving issues and maintaining harmony in a relationship.

Highlights

Dr. John Gottman is an expert in relationship research, having studied over 3,000 couples over 32 years.

Gottman and Bob Levinson, a professor at UC Berkeley, began their research with 'profound ignorance' about what makes relationships work.

Gottman built an apartment laboratory at the University of Washington to observe couples in a natural setting.

Couples were monitored with cameras and physiological sensors to measure stress and immune system function.

The research included a diverse range of couples, from newlyweds to those in midlife and retirement.

Gottman identified 'masters of relationships' who had increasingly happy relationships over time, and 'disasters' whose relationships deteriorated.

With over 90% accuracy, Gottman could predict which couples would stay together and which would divorce.

A key finding was the ratio of positive to negative interactions in a relationship, which should be 5:1 for successful relationships.

Negative emotions can be productive in relationships, highlighting areas that need improvement.

Gottman identified the 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse': criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, which predict divorce.

The masters of relationships dealt with conflict by discussing their feelings and needs, rather than criticizing their partners.

Respect and appreciation are crucial in maintaining a healthy relationship, countering the effects of the 'Four Horsemen'.

Gottman emphasizes the importance of friendship in a relationship, including enhancing 'love maps', fondness and admiration, and turning toward one's partner.

Love maps are internal representations of a partner's inner world, built through asking open-ended questions.

Fondness and admiration are expressed through small acts of appreciation and respect.

Turning toward bids for emotional connection, even in small moments, builds intimacy in a relationship.

Gottman found that most conflicts in a marriage (69%) are perpetual and never solved, but can be managed through dialogue.

The ability to repair conflicts and have a recovery conversation is a key skill of the masters of relationships.

Gottman suggests that humor and affection during conflict can help in repairing and maintaining a positive relationship.

Building a shared meaning system in a relationship, where both partners feel they are contributing to a larger purpose, is essential for long-term success.

Transcripts

better life media america's leading

source for life improvement presents

dr john gottman

making marriage work

[Music]

[Applause]

thank you

thank you very much

now why should you listen to me

uh first of all let me just uh tell you

that i'm not a relationship guru

i'm not like those people on afternoon

television

and the only thing i have to offer is

that i'm an expert in how to do research

on relationships and i've studied uh

over 3 000 couples

over the last 32 years you know couples

very much like yourselves

and uh and what i've tried to do is find

out what it is they do to make their

relationships work and we've also

studied gay and lesbian couples as well

as heterosexual couples for a very long

time and i've done this work with my

friend bob levinson who's a professor at

the university of california berkeley

and it's our 30th anniversary actually

this year of working together and what

we really brought to this whole area was

profound ignorance because we really

didn't have a clue about what made

relationships work when we started doing

this research 30 years ago and so we did

is we made videotapes of couples doing

ordinary things like talking about how

their day went and talking about an area

of conflict continuing disagreement and

at the university of washington i built

an apartment laboratory that was kind of

like a bed and breakfast getaway in

which uh we had couples just hang out

for 24 hours and it was a beautiful

picture window there and boats going by

and uh and you know people just sort of

listen to the music they want to listen

to watch television brought newspapers

to read and did whatever they wanted to

do and the only difference between that

setting and an ordinary bed and

breakfast was that we had four cameras

bolted to the wall

and they wore halter monitors that

measured two channels of

electrocardiogram and when they urinated

we took a urine sample to measure stress

hormones

in their urine and we took blood from

them

to measure how their immune system was

functioning and there were people in the

other room recording their facial

expressions of emotion but aside from

that it was like an ordinary bed and

breakfast getaway

and

we found you know what we basically did

was study you know representative

samples of couples and we started with

newlyweds in one study for example we're

now in the 13th year of studying those

couples as they had kids we studied them

in pregnancy and as their their babies

developed and then we studied kids who

we studied families who were

in midlife who had young kids couples in

their 40s couples in their 60s all the

way through retirement our current study

is about 20 years we follow couples so

we didn't know if there were good

relationships or bad relationships when

we started and we found out that over

time some of them some of the

relationships broke up

and some of them fell apart some of them

stayed together and were really unhappy

with one another and others you know

kind of more or less liked each other

over time and the relationships got

better and better and they were pretty

happy and we called that last group the

masters of relationships and the other

group the disasters the ones whose

relationships fell apart or stayed

together and weren't happy and what we

tried to find out was was there anything

different about the masters and the

disasters is there anything we could

figure out about it and we were very

surprised

to find out that we could predict which

couples would stay together and which

ones would get a divorce with over 90

accuracy

and you know you don't find that kind of

prediction in psychology very often

usually we can't predict people's

behavior at all

but here in relationships we're able to

predict with enormous accuracy what

would happen to a relationship in fact

in just 15 minutes of a couple talking

about an area of continuing disagreement

we could predict with 85 percent

accuracy whether they get divorced

and not only that

after following couples for 14 years we

could not only predict if they would get

divorced but when they would get

divorced as well

so i want to tell you about that

research and what we discovered from

this and how we put it all together in

kind of a theory about what makes

relationships work and what the

principles are for making them uh

making them get better and better and

also turning around ones that are really

unhappy

now this ability to predict divorce

with very high accuracy or happiness

with very high accuracy hasn't done a

lot for my personal life i don't get

invited out to dinner very much for

example you know

very few couples want to know if their

relationship is going to work or not

and in the middle of a fight my wife is

very likely to say to me if they could

see you now no

so but we try to use the principles my

wife and i we try to figure out you know

what how we can make our relationship

better and in fact uh we do a workshop

in seattle where the second day

uh every time we do the workshop my wife

and i talk about a fight we just had

and we're never at a loss we always have

a fight to talk about and we do this in

front of 150 couples uh and so you know

part of what i want to tell you is that

what we've learned in studying good

relationships as well as the disasters

is that we're all really in the same

soup

so let me start by talking about what it

is we learned that allows us to predict

divorce or stability with very high

accuracy the first thing we found was

that

if you take a look at the ratio of

positive stuff

during conflict things like interest

asking questions being nice to one

another being kind being affectionate

being empathetic and you look at all the

negative stuff like criticism hostility

anger uh hurt feelings and you take the

ratio of positive to negative

in relationships that stay together that

ratio turns out to be five to one

there's five times as many positive

things going on in relationships that

work

as negative

so that's an interesting equation and it

sort of suggests that if you do

something negative to hurt your

partner's feelings you know that you

have to make up for it with five

positive things so the equation is not

balanced in terms of positive and

negative negative has a lot more ability

to inflict pain and damage than positive

things have to heal and bring you closer

now the couples who wound up divorced

that ratio was point eight to one so

there was a little more negativity than

positivity in couples who were heading

for divorce

so first of all uh for a relationship to

feel right it has to be a very rich

climate of affection and humor and fun

and intimacy and empathy now in the

apartment lab that i mentioned that

ratio is more like 20 to 1 rather than 5

to 1 right so when you're just hanging

out it really needs to be an enormously

rich climate of positive stuff

interestingly enough you might think

that from that finding what you want to

do is if you're a therapist you want to

declare war on negativity and eliminate

all anger

sadness hurt feelings from relationships

and that's not true turns out negativity

is actually very productive in

relationships because hurt feelings and

negativity wind up for one thing

calling out stuff that doesn't work in

relationships right you hurt your

partner's feelings you learn something

right and you talk about how to make it

better next time so you don't want a

relationship where there's nothing

negative going on the other thing is it

wouldn't be very real if there wasn't

sadness disappointment you know and

there's kind of a cycle of getting

closer and drawing apart

that happens in relationships after a

fight people are distant for a while

and then they get closer together so

that in fact in relationships as a

result of negativity there's a need to

continually renew courtship

in relationships and so that's the

importance of that finding about

negativity and not declaring war and

negativity you don't want to get rid of

anger you don't want to get rid of

sadness you know that's kind of our

inheritance when we have a close

relationship we get all the emotions

now the next thing that bob and i wanted

to know is are all negative things

equally corrosive are there some things

that really are a lot more negative than

others and in fact there are and i wound

up calling those things the four

horsemen of the apocalypse and because

there were four things

that really were very predictive of

divorce

and they were characteristic of the

disasters

and very different from the masters the

masters are dealing with conflict in

this way it's kind of like if i was

holding imagine i was holding an

invisible soccer ball right here okay

and this soccer ball represents our

problem and my wife and i are kicking

this ball around

and that's the way the masters deal with

things now the disasters from the

beginning try to put that ball in their

partner's body and they're really saying

you're the problem right so the first

horseman of the apocalypse is what we

call criticism

and criticism is a way of complaining

that suggests that your partner's

personality is defective

okay

and now

what are the masters doing the masters

are still complaining right but they're

talking about themselves

talking about their feelings and what

they need

so let's say for example i complain

and i want to complain the way you know

a really great relationship would

complain i might say to my wife

something like you know you talked about

yourself all through dinner you never

asked me anything about my day

and that hurt my feelings i really need

you to ask me about my day

okay so there i'm talking about myself

what i feel and what i need right

now the disasters would try to make that

just a symptom

of my wife's defect and i would say to

my wife something like

you know you talked about yourself

during dinner you never asked me

anything about my day

what is wrong with you

this is a great question right what is

wrong with you does anybody ever answer

that question hey i'm glad you asked

that let me take a look and see what's

wrong you know

it's not really a question right now the

second horseman of the apocalypse kind

of follows from the first because if you

feel criticized you're going to be

feeling attacked and you're going to be

warding off this attack right and that's

defensiveness the second horseman of the

apocalypse and we found there are two

ways of becoming defensive that are most

common in couples the first is righteous

indignation and in righteous indignation

what you're doing is meeting a complaint

with a counter complaint the second way

of being defensive is i can act like an

innocent victim

and the most common way people act like

an innocent victim is they whine

i cared about your day i really did i

was really interested in your day

now what's the

what's the opposite what's the

constructive alternative what do the

masters do instead of get defensive it's

very simple

they accept responsibility even for a

small part of the problem so she says to

me all through dinner you talked about

yourself you never asked me about my day

i can say god good point you know i

really was stressed out you know during

dinner and the drive home was awful i

had a rotten day i don't think i was

listening to anybody you know

whole day and you're right i probably

wasn't listening to you so

how was your day

now the third horseman is our best

predictor of divorce and it is

disrespect and contempt

now contempt is a little bit different

than criticism because in contempt

you feel superior to your partner you're

speaking from a higher plane kind of

like i'm on this podium and i'm talking

down well if you do that to your partner

you feel let's say you feel cleaner than

your partner or more punctual or tidier

or smarter than your partner then you're

going to kind of talk down to your

partner and the comment that will come

out will be this kind of snobby

contemptuous comment right now how do

people get contemptuous the most common

way they do that is by calling their

partner names or directly insulting them

and you know so you can say you know

what a jerk

you only talk about yourself

now we would like our partners to

respond to us by saying something like

john

that's brilliant you're such an

observant person you know thank you for

pointing out all the ways in which i'm

failing as a human being can we have

lunch next week so you can tell me more

you know but unfortunately people don't

respond that way right they really wind

up getting hurt in fact contempt is our

single best predictor of divorce now

what is it that the masters are doing

that's the alternative for contempt

what is the opposite of disrespect

it is not doing nothing it is really

respect

and being proud of the people we love

and what the masters are doing is

creating in the relationship a culture

of appreciation they're saying thank you

for very small things that their

partners are doing thanks for picking up

the laundry i enjoyed the conversation

at dinner

i watched you playing with the baby last

night and it was really beautiful

we had that teacher conference and you

know that teacher really intimidates me

you've got a lot of guts so it's

communicating not only affection but

respect right that's the culture of

appreciation now how do you build that

and what the way you build it is you

start really creating a different habit

of mind a habit of mind where instead of

scanning the environment for things to

criticize and put down and make yourself

superior through putting down other

people you scan the environment for

things you can praise and appreciate and

this is as important in

uh in love relationships as it is in

parent-child relationships looking for

stuff you can appreciate catch your

partner doing something right

now the fourth horseman of the

apocalypse we call stonewalling

and here's what stonewalling is it's

really emotional withdrawal from

conflict and here's the way we actually

measure it in our laboratory usually

when a when a listener is

listening to somebody talk

they actually give the speaker a lot of

signals that they are tracking that

they're that they're there not

necessarily agreeing they maintain

they're sort of an open body they

maintain eye contact nod their heads

they utter these brief vocalization oh

yeah huh they move their faces oh yeah

could be oh yeah sure

and so all of these signals are coming

out the stonewaller doesn't do that

maybe foal's arms are kimbo like that

looks down and away

there's no facial movement

there's no vocalization there may be an

occasional glance at the speaker just to

see if the ogre has magically

disappeared

that's stonewalling now

what does stonewalling do

you know what it does is that the

speaker doesn't think he or she is

getting through right so instead of

getting out the 40-pound cannon

when they're stonewalling the speaker

gets out the 60-pound cannon boom you

know let's really have an impact right

so those are the four horsemen of the

apocalypse and they allow us to predict

with high accuracy what's going to

happen to a relationship

but you know that's kind of like

the recipe for failure right and the

recipe the alternative recipe for

constructive conflict resolution is

interesting and useful in some way but

it doesn't give you enough information

about what it is that

the in good relationships is really

happening to maintain that intimacy in

the relationship and here's what we

discovered about that from looking at

the apartment lab we actually came out

with a number of principles that really

could be useful in building a

relationship so let me tell you about

these principles

the first thing that we found was that

in good relationships friendship is

extremely important it's not just about

conflict and how you deal with conflict

it's about intimacy and maintaining

intimacy now the cool thing about being

a researcher is you cannot just talk

about things in vague terms you have to

really measure stuff and so you have to

be really precise about the advice you

give

and what we found was there were three

ingredients to friendship and that's all

you needed to do was work on those three

things and you could you could have an

intimate friendship in your relationship

and here's what the three things are

first first thing was to enhance what we

call your love maps now what's a love

map

it's an internal road map that you make

up that you have in your mind about your

partner's inner world inner

psychological world so this is the whole

dimension of being known a feeling like

your partner is really interested in

knowing you

and

of feeling like you know you want to

know your partner so it's about interest

in one another right and it's about

knowing like you know who are the main

people in your in your partner's world

uh what's stressing your partner out

what's exciting

what are some of your partner's dreams

and hopes and aspirations and values

right now how do you find that

information out

asking questions

so the fundamental process is really

asking questions now not questions like

did the plumber come right but

open-ended questions like

how are you feeling about being a mother

right now

how do you like this house do you want

to change it

how are you thinking about your job

right now

have you changed

how would you like our life to be in the

next five years those kinds of questions

they help build the love map

now the cool thing about this is some

people make these love maps naturally

and some people just don't do it

so when you talk to people who don't

make love maps

and you tell them about how important it

is they go

okay

so how do i do that and if you show them

how to do it then they go

okay i'll do it

now if you want to really try changing

your life in the area of relationships

in the next two weeks

try

making 50 of the things you say to

people a question an open-ended question

instead of making statements to people

ask them questions and you'll find that

people really change because people

rarely ask questions it's a very very

fundamental thing to do and yet it's a

very rare thing people mostly make

statements and broadcast rather than

saying what do you think about this

asking those kinds of questions

so love maps is the first ingredient of

friendship the second one is what we

call fondness and admiration and i

mentioned that in the culture of

appreciation it's really about

communicating

affection

and respect in very small ways and

that's what the masters are doing

they're creating this culture of

appreciation in very tiny ways they're

saying thank you i'm proud of you

i really admire you i respect you and

they're doing it often now

let me tell you about a couple that we

saw and this guy you know was

very successful in his career and he ran

an intensive care unit for for babies in

a major hospital in los angeles and he

and his wife had been married for 17

years and i talked to him about the very

first date he had with his wife

and he said god you know i was thinking

that first date that of all the women

i'd ever met she was the most vivacious

most exciting the most beautiful the

most intelligent woman i'd ever met i

went wow now there's a fondness and

admiration system right now the next

thing i wanted to know is did his wife

know this

that he was thinking this on the first

date in fact in 17 years had he ever

told her that he thought this about her

and so i i asked her i said did you know

this she said i never had a clue

so what's the fundamental thing in

fondness and admiration it can't stay in

the brain it's got to come out the mouth

right so that's really what the masters

are doing in very small ways they're

saying thank you i mean even for trivial

things thanks for doing the dishes you

know even if it's that person's turn to

do the dishes right a lot of couples say

well why should i say thank you i just

do stuff he does stuff why should we say

thank you to each other i don't get much

appreciation and i always say

do you like that do you like feeling

unappreciated no

well do you both feel unappreciated yes

okay so that's to express appreciation

it's not very complicated it's very

simple and it helps this habit of mine

right where you're scanning the

environment for things to appreciate so

that's love maps fondness and admiration

right respect and affection the third is

something we learned from the apartment

lab is that when people are just hanging

out

the way they build intimacy is in very

tiny moments they make little bids

bids

for emotional connection

now it's at the lowest level they're

making bids for their partner's

attention you know like for example you

know i can look out the window of the

apartment lab where boats were going by

and i can say

well there's a pretty boat

okay now let's say that my wife says

that and i'm cleaning my glasses right

and she says there's a pretty boat

no response

we call that turning away

right sometimes

somebody be cleaning their glasses

here's a pretty boat

huh

now that's a pretty minimal response

right but it's turning toward it's some

response sometimes people would turn

toward a bid in a very enthusiastic way

like there's a pretty boat

wow that is a pretty boat

you know say did you ever think

why don't we quit our jobs like and get

a boat like that and just kind of sail

off together

so we call that an enthusiastic turning

toward right rather than just you know a

turning tord without enthusiasm

and what we found was very interesting

that what happens if i make a bid for

just her attention and she turns away

she doesn't respond at all

you know what are the chances i say hey

there's a pretty boat no response i'm

gonna say

hey julie i said there's a pretty boat

you know the probability of rebidding is

almost zero in all relationships

it actually is zero in the couples the

newlyweds that wound up divorcing six

years later and .22 22 probability in

couples that stayed together still very

low right and in fact on the videotape

what you see is if people

partners turn away they kind of crumple

a little bit you know and they do some

face saving things like straightening up

or petting the cat you know or something

like that but they don't re-bid that

lack of connection

is really painful and we started

realizing that in these very tiny

moments of emotional connection people

are building kind of an emotional bank

account in the relationship they're

building up points in their relationship

that builds emotional connection okay

those are the three components of

intimacy

making a love map right and updating it

periodically by asking questions

fondness and admiration and turning

toward okay now

when those three things are working then

it turns out people are in a state of

mind that we call

positive

sentiment override now that's a fancy

term but it means that my positive

sentiment for my wife and the

relationship overrides momentary times

when she's irritable or we're feeling a

little distant but if those three parts

of a friendship are not working very

well love maps fondness and admiration

and turning toward then i'll be a

negative sentiment override and that

means i've got a chip on my shoulder

right

i mean if i'm in negative sentiment

override

she can come down one morning to the

kitchen and say

in a very sweet way

you know honey you're not supposed to

run the microwave when there's no food

in it

and if i got that chip on my shoulder

i'm gonna say don't you tell me how to

run the microwave i'm the one who reads

the manuals around here you're not going

to control and manipulate me

see i've got a chip on my shoulder i'm

hyper vigilant for put downs i'm in a

negative state and you know you can't

tell me to not be so sensitive about the

relationship you know to lighten up

not take it so personally just you can't

tell me well she said it in a sweet way

i can't get out of negative sentiment

override right so research studies that

have tried to change people's cognitive

style about the relationship fail

and they fail for good reason because

love maps aren't working fondness and

admiration and turning toward aren't

working that's why i got why i got that

chip on my shoulder right but if they're

working i'm in positive sentiment

override she can say

in a very irritable way

hey you're not supposed to run the

microwave but there's no food

and if i'm in positive sentiment

override i'll say okay

i'm not taking that personally right

you know i'm seeing that as maybe she's

stressed out i'm thinking

this lady's very involved in the

microwave today i don't know why you

know but uh not gonna ask her now you

know uh but you know basically you know

it's a buffer positive sentiment

override is a buffer against

irritability and emotional distance and

that brings me to conflict because what

the masters are doing during conflict is

they're really able to repair the the

conflict

when it's not going well it's hard to

change people's behavior when they're

fighting

you know it's very easy to get defensive

you know if you feel attacked it's very

easy to become critical if you're upset

particularly if you put off your

complaints for a long time

so everybody does that

but the masters can repair

they can have a recovery conversation

and in fact this dimension of repair is

one of the most central dimensions about

making relationships work well over time

everybody messes up everybody gets

defensive

everybody gets critical at times

insulting you know these things happen

but the ability to really step back when

you're calmed down and say

i'm sorry

you know that didn't go very well um

can we talk about it and have that

recovery conversation that's something

that the masters can do not only that

but the one thing we found about the

masters that was so interesting was that

they had a sense of humor during

conflict so how do you get people have a

sense of humor turns out that if you

build love maps and fondness and

admiration and turning toward and we've

done this experiment

then people's sense of humor increases

even during conflict and they can repair

and they can be affectionate during

conflict so friendship is the basis of

regulating conflict that's pretty

interesting because you can change

people's behavior in these very neutral

moments these tiny moments like in the

apartment lab when they're just hanging

out it's not very emotional it's not a

big deal and all you have to do is build

awareness of these bids and the

importance of turning toward what we

didn't expect and this was a big

surprise

is that not only are these three

ingredients of friendship the basis

for

dealing with conflict in a constructive

manner having a sense of humor and

affection during

times when you disagree

but they're also the basis of good sex

romance and passion

in the relationship now let me try to

convince you of that that that makes

sense

i have a book that is called 1001 ways

to be romantic it's kind of an

interesting book has a lot of really

great suggestions like you know some are

addressed to husbands some are dressed

to wives you know and like one says

don't send your wife a dozen roses send

her a rose a day for 12 days

kind of cool idea you know write a note

with each rose kind of nice

well let's look at number 24 which turns

out to be

again addressed the guys and it says

what could be more romantic than sending

your wife a golden locket

giving your wife a golden locket with

your picture in it

okay let's think about that

love maps fondness and admiration and

turning toward let's say love maps i

haven't asked my wife a question in 17

years

fondness and admiration we were out to

dinner a couple of nights ago

and she started telling a story and i

said

you're not going to tell that story

nobody wants to hear that that is so

stupid just shut up

i said that in public okay fondness and

admiration i'm i'm down two now right

bids and turning uh you know i don't

even notice when she makes a bid and

then i give her a golden locket with my

picture in it right

and i ask you is that going to be a

romantic event in a relationship i don't

think so right she's going to drive the

suv over it a couple of times really

flatten out that golden locket what

makes that event romantic you know if i

write a poem and we go to our favorite

restaurant and i toast to how beautiful

her eyes are and i read my you know

stupid poem that i wrote i choke up when

i read it her eyes filled with tears

because

love maps fondness and admiration and

turning toward are working in the

relationship

and so you really build sex

and passion

and romance

in these very very small moments of

emotional connection now we learned some

surprising things about conflict as well

let me tell you what we learned

first of all we found that

most

conflicts in a marriage

fact 69 of them

are never solved

when we study couples four years later

we find mostly they're talking about the

same stuff in the same way so that's

kind of interesting you know if you know

if it's not that changeable then you

know what do you do to make a difference

in relationships well

by building these

parts of the relationship you know that

fondness and admiration and turning

toward and love maps you're actually

working on that relationship itself on

the way conflict is dealt with in that

relationship but 69 percent of the time

we found that the same conflicts are

perpetuated and we wound up realizing

that when you pick somebody to marry you

have automatically inherited your set of

unresolvable relationship problems that

you'll have for the next 10 20 30 40

years

like in my marriage for example you know

my wife has to have the house incredibly

neat you know and it has to look like a

museum whereas i am charmingly sloppy

right it's not going to change until she

gets therapy

and she feels the same way about me she

says i'm organizationally impaired

so we have this perpetual issue

well most conflicts are perpetual issues

now by the way if you married somebody

else you wouldn't have those conflicts

you'd have a different set

but every relationship has these

perpetual problems due to these

personality differences and the fact

that we are much more forgiving toward

ourselves than we are toward others so

we found two kinds of couples around

these perpetual problems

one kind really had kind of a dialogue

with perpetual problems you know it's

not that the perpetual problems went

away it's that they had a relationship

with the problems they talked about them

and they figured out ways to cope

and to some extent you could really say

that

marriage is last to the extent that

you've selected somebody who's

irritating qualities you can stand

and where the perpetual problems are

ones you can deal with whereas

if they're perpetual problems that

really make you nuts

then that relationship is not going to

work out very well

and in fact in the couples that really

wound up getting divorced their

perpetual problems resulted in gridlock

this is my visual image of gridlock two

fists in opposition right no compromise

every time they talk about the issue

there's the four horsemen or they get

emotionally disengaged they hurt each

other's feelings they feel basically not

accepted by their partner that's

gridlock marital conflict it's like a

highway where all the cars are bumper to

bumper never goes anywhere it never

moves anywhere it's just frustrating

it's just steamy it's awful and so the

major problem in making relationships

work around conflict is not resolving

the conflict because most conflicts

don't get resolved it's moving a couple

from gridlock to dialogue to where

they're coping with the problem

now what's the secret of that

that's a really interesting question

right how do you move somebody from

gridlock to dialogue and what a lot of

people will say if you went to the

library and you know read about marital

therapy or relationships between couples

you know they would say well the reason

these people aren't compromising about

this perpetual problem they're not

getting anywhere with it you know

they're they're in opposition they're

entrenched in their position they're

polarized in their positions is because

they have personality defects he's a

narcissist

she is borderline

she's hysterical he's self-centered and

unempathetic you know in all these ways

of describing inadequate personalities

but what we say is the opposite

we say if you look at the subtext of

what they're arguing about in other

words look underneath what they're

fighting about maybe they're arguing

ostensibly about money they really

disagree about spending and saving and

their their philosophies about money are

really very different but you actually

look at what they're what they're

talking about underneath that and you

find that they're actually arguing about

very different things than money they're

arguing about basic philosophical

concepts that are very close to their

sense of self they're talking about

freedom they're talking about power

they're talking about caring and love

they're talking about what a home is

what it means to be a family

and so

what does that mean it means that

within these fists

if you could make the relationship safe

enough and open these fists

there would be a dream a life dream

within each position that would fly out

like a dove

and the reason they're not compromising

is really understandable so instead of

us saying

to people the reason you're not

compromising is that you're arrested in

an earlier stage of development you're

immature you have a personality defect

we say no wonder you couldn't compromise

you could no more compromise on this

issue then you could respond to somebody

who came up to you and said excuse me

can i borrow your bones

you can't give people your bones right

or you die and in the same way you can't

give up the bones of who you are so we

tell people the reason you're gridlocked

is because you haven't looked at the

dream within the conflict the life dream

and what you need to do is become a

dream catcher

and release those dreams make the

relationship safe enough ask questions

find out what the dreams are within this

each person's position

and what the history of those dreams are

what the life story is the narrative

behind each dream

and then find a way to honor both dreams

and once both dreams are honored then

the the greatest sources of conflict and

alienation

in a relationship become the greatest

sources of intimacy because what are you

doing you're building love maps at a

deeper level right you're finding out

something about

meaning and purpose

in people's lives

now for problems that could be solved

what we found was that 31 of the

problems that could be solved we found

actually that the masters were doing

something really interesting and to

summarize what they were doing in one

word it was really gentleness they were

presenting issues in a very gentle way

and they were doing what we call

softened startup instead of presenting

it in a harsh way they were presenting

their issue in a very gentle way and i

learned a lot from this in my

relationship and i found that you know a

lot of times i would get really upset

with my wife julie and i say to her

julie you are so emotionally unavailable

to me what is wrong with you

and i found when i said that she did not

want to spend more time with me i don't

know why i was expressing my feelings

very clearly but then i i watched the

masters do it and you know so one day i

said to her

you know honey i'm getting that old

feeling again of being lonely

i really miss you

i just need more of you in my day

not only that but they expressed

appreciation so i said

you know a couple of weeks ago when we

cuddled on the couch

that was really so nice how can we do

that again

and she said how about now

so it was the same complaint right but i

softened the startup in fact rather than

criticizing her i was still expressing

what i needed which was more of her i

was really flattering her i was really

telling her how much i missed her how

much i needed her how much i admired her

how important she was to me and saying

it very directly which was what the

masters were doing the other thing we

found is not only are the masters

starting with general startup but

they're really accepting influence from

one another

and in particular guys are accepting

influence from women

now that was very that was a very

interesting thing and it emerged from

studying violent relationships a study i

did with neil jacobson and uh what we

found was that these physically violent

guys

never said anything to their wives like

good point

i never thought of that everything they

said was no

you're not going to control and

influence me they rejected everything

they were like baseball players at

batting practice you know whatever got

tossed to them they hit back

so we're very interested in that

rejection of influence and we went

looked at our newlyweds who were not

violent to try to see what predicted

whether they'd stay together or get

divorced and we looked at women

accepting influence for men men

accepting influence from women

and

it didn't predict with women but for

guys

who came up to close to where the women

were because the women were accepting

influence in all relationships at a

pretty high level the guys who were

accepting influence their relationships

stayed together

and we're

living through a period in history where

women are being emancipated on an

international scale in most nations and

they're being empowered economically

psychologically politically and after

millennia of oppression and the guys who

realize that this is a time to really

honor women and it makes a difference to

honor your wife's dreams it makes a

difference to to convey that honor just

for example like putting down the toilet

seat after you go to the bathroom you

know now it takes as much work for a

woman to put it down is for a man to put

it down putting it down it really

conveys that you're thoughtful and that

you're honoring your partner it's a

small thing but the men who accept

influence from their partner and say

well it's a good point i never thought

of that tell me more about your opinion

you know let me consider that let me

find out why you see things the way you

see things those guys are way ahead of

the game okay now not only did the

masters have gentle startup and the guys

accept influence but also

they moved toward compromise

and they were able to compromise and one

of the things they did was very

interesting and because we collected

data on heart rate and blood flow

velocity on physiology while people were

interacting we found that

calming down was a very very important

part of this whole equation when your

heart rate gets above 100 beats a minute

your body starts secreting adrenaline

and your arteries start constricting and

blood flow shuts down to the gut in the

kidney and you start sweating more blood

pressure increases the kidney starts

producing a substance called renin which

leads to angiotensin which also

increases blood volume and blood

pressure all this stuff is going on well

it has adaptive value when you're trying

to escape from a predator you know or

there's a car coming in your lane and

you have to get out of the way right

that's adaptive but when you're in the

middle of a marital discussion this kind

of physiological arousal is very

maladaptive because you cannot process

information very well

you can't be very creative you know

you're not a very good problem solver

when your heart rate gets above 100

beats a minute so what really has to

happen is people have to calm down and

take breaks and really calm themselves

and self-soothe

so in one study we did we actually did

this trick with people we waited for

their heart rate to get above 100 beats

a minute and we went out and said to the

couple we're having some trouble with

our equipment would you stop talking

about this problem until we repair it

and we gave them magazines to read right

now it wasn't true we actually the

equipment was working we waited actually

for their heart rate to go down down

down down down and when it went back to

baseline we came in and said okay the

equipment's working now you can talk

about the issue again why did we do that

we wanted to see if it would be

different with their discussion of the

problem would be different when their

heart rates were low than when they were

high i can tell you for for the most

part it was like a different

relationship

when the heart rate was low all of a

sudden people had a sense of humor you

know they listened well

they were more creative problem solvers

so we learned from this that you know

reducing flooding and physiologically

reducing your your arousal is a very

important part and one of the most

important thing you can do to really

make that happen is to take a break call

a timeout

and what we found is studying violent

couples was that they never did that

whenever they had a violent fight there

was one person who wanted to get away

from the other and have a time out and

the other one say no way

you're not abandoning me you're not

having a timeout and so the conflict

would escalate so monitoring your

physiological arousal is very important

now this is nobody's fault right i mean

when your heart rate gets up you get

defensive you know you're really in a

state of fight or flight and there's no

way you can be a good problem solver and

you can listen well

and that gets us to the final part of

this theory and these principles for

making relationship work is the idea of

shared meaning and a shared meaning

system

and this is really one of the most

important things about relationships is

that what people do in relationships

that really work well is there feel like

they're building something

something beyond just the two of them

they feel like being together has some

meaning and purpose

and there are many ways in which people

create meaning and purpose

most people do it really unintentionally

without talking about it without

thinking about why they're doing what

they're doing and what they're doing one

important way of people build meaning is

by the way they move through time

together now what i want to suggest to

you is that every relationship

even if people come from the same race

the same religion the same part of the

country the same ethnic group every

relationship is a cross-cultural

experience

so people create meaning thinking about

their cultural legacy their heritage

they think about their mission in life

what they want to leave the world with

and that relationship either supports

that mission and legacy or not

they create meaning in the way they move

through time together right they create

meaning and how they think about

themselves as a son as a daughter as a

friend as a brother or sister as a

mother and a father as a husband or wife

and all of these ways you know in all of

these roles and all of these ways people

create meaning now you can do it

intentionally or you can do it

unintentionally but if you do it

intentionally then you create the shared

meaning system

and what are we doing there we're really

again building love maps right so it

really comes back to the beginning to

friendship so let me summarize there are

really three parts to making a

relationship uh a successful

relationship the one that works out over

time and gets better over time one thing

is really the quality of friendship and

all you have to do for that is build

love maps

build fondness and admiration which is

affection respect and notice bids for

connection and turn toward your partner

rather than away and against and when

that happens you're in a state of

positive sentiment override rather than

negative and that helps you really

repair it helps you have a recovery

conversation after a fight helps you

regulate the conflict and repair when it

happens and i also told you that during

conflict most problems don't get solved

in a relationship people just adapt to

them and when they don't adapt to them

it's because they're really gridlocked

on a conflict

and those horrible conflicts the worst

ones really can be the greatest sources

of intimacy if you wind up opening those

fists and releasing the dreams within

the conflict and honoring one another's

dreams and that's actually the tip of

the iceberg because it's part of

creating a shared meaning system

together

and that's what makes relationships work

well

thank you very much for listening

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