Stop Overthinking Your Relationship (what you need to know!)

Summary

In this 'Be That Healing Girl' podcast episode, Claire, a relationship coach, addresses the issue of overthinking in relationships, particularly among high-achieving women. She discusses the difference between critical thinking and spiraling thoughts, often driven by a disregulated nervous system and fear. Claire emphasizes the importance of understanding one's emotional state and the impact of thoughts on actions. She also touches on the need for emotional regulation and the role of conditioning in shaping our perceptions and behaviors in relationships.

Takeaways

• 🌟 The podcast episode focuses on addressing overthinking in relationships, particularly for high-achieving individuals who may struggle with relationship anxiety or anxious attachment.
• 👩‍🏫 Claire, the relationship coach and host, emphasizes the importance of understanding the difference between critical thinking and spiraling thoughts in the context of relationship anxiety.
• 🔄 Overthinking is often a defense mechanism that stems from a fear-based, disregulated nervous system, rather than logical, critical thinking.
• 🧠 The brain's 'lizard brain' or survival brain is activated during states of fear, leading to actions driven by instinct rather than rational thought.
• 🤯 Overthinking can lead to feelings of shame and frustration, especially for intelligent and successful individuals who feel they should know better.
• 💡 Recognizing the difference between a regulated and disregulated nervous system is crucial for understanding one's emotional responses in relationships.
• 👀 The speaker suggests that overthinking is not a sign of insanity but rather a symptom of a nervous system in overdrive, acting from a place of fear.
• 💭 The script touches on the idea that we are not our thoughts, and that understanding this can help in managing overthinking and emotional responses.
• 🔄 Overthinking is not a solution to problems but can instead create a vicious cycle of negative expectations and behaviors.
• 💔 Ignoring or stuffing down emotions can lead to emotional dysregulation, where small triggers can cause disproportionate emotional reactions.
• 🌱 The importance of emotional intelligence and regulation is highlighted, suggesting that learning to process and regulate emotions is key to overcoming overthinking in relationships.

Q & A

What is the main topic of the 'Be That Healing Girl' podcast episode?

The main topic of the episode is to discuss how to stop overthinking in relationships and address relationship anxiety or anxious attachment.

Who is the host of the 'Be That Healing Girl' podcast?

The host of the podcast is Claire, a relationship coach.

What type of audience does Claire primarily work with?

Claire primarily works with high-performing, overachieving individuals, often referred to as 'type A' personalities, who are successful in their careers but struggle in their relationships.

What is the significance of the number of reviews on the podcast?

The number of reviews, such as the 70 reviews on Spotify mentioned in the transcript, indicates the popularity and positive reception of the podcast episodes.

How does Claire define success in the context of her clients?

Success is not limited to career achievements; Claire also considers clients who are married and home with kids as successful, acknowledging that being a stay-at-home parent is arguably a challenging job.

What is the difference between critical thinking and overthinking as discussed in the podcast?

Critical thinking involves logical analysis and discernment, whereas overthinking often leads to spiraling thoughts and anxiety without leading to constructive outcomes.

What does Claire suggest is the root cause of overthinking in relationships?

Claire suggests that overthinking in relationships is often a result of a disregulated nervous system acting from a place of fear, rather than logical thought.

Why does Claire emphasize that overthinking is not a sign of insanity?

Claire emphasizes this to reassure listeners that their feelings and reactions are a result of a natural response to fear and anxiety, not a sign of mental instability.

What role does the body's nervous system play in overthinking, according to Claire?

The nervous system, when activated or in a state of fight or flight, can lead to overthinking as the body is in a state of disregulation and not thinking rationally.

How does Claire differentiate between a regulated and a disregulated nervous system in relation to overthinking?

A regulated nervous system allows for logical thinking and emotional stability, while a disregulated nervous system results in fear-based reactions and overthinking.

What advice does Claire offer to those who struggle with overthinking in relationships?

Claire advises understanding the difference between spiraling thoughts and critical thinking, recognizing the signs of a disregulated nervous system, and seeking support to develop a healthy relationship with emotions.

What resources or support does Claire offer to help with overthinking and relationship anxiety?

Claire offers one-on-one coaching, though it's on a waitlist, and mentions upcoming accessible support options that will be announced on her email list and Instagram stories.

Outlines

00:00

🎙️ Introduction to Healing Relationship Anxiety

The podcast 'Be That Healing Girl' introduces a new episode focusing on stopping overthinking in relationships. The host, Claire, a relationship coach, addresses her audience of high-achieving women who excel in their careers but struggle with relationship anxiety or anxious attachment. She acknowledges the common theme of overthinking in her DMs and client sessions and promises to provide solid advice on overcoming this issue. Claire also appreciates the growing support for her podcast, with a special mention of the increasing number of reviews on Spotify, and encourages new listeners to engage with the content.

05:07

🧠 Understanding the Impact of Overthinking on Relationships

This paragraph delves into the psychological aspects of overthinking in relationships. Claire explains that overthinking is often a symptom of relationship anxiety or anxious attachment and can be a result of the listener's nervous system being in a state of fight or flight, leading to a lack of critical thinking. She emphasizes the importance of distinguishing between spiraling thoughts and actual critical thinking. Claire also touches on the shame and frustration smart individuals may feel when they can't control their overthinking, attributing it to the activation of the 'lizard brain' rather than logical reasoning.

10:07

🔄 The Role of Fear and Conditioning in Overthinking

In this segment, Claire discusses the role of fear and conditioning in overthinking. She clarifies that overthinking is a defense mechanism triggered by fear and is not a result of logical thinking. The paragraph explores how overthinking can create a vicious cycle where negative thoughts lead to negative actions and outcomes. Claire also challenges the misconception that overthinking can solve problems, highlighting the importance of emotional intelligence and regulation. She shares her personal journey of realizing the need to feel and process emotions healthily, rather than suppressing them, which can lead to emotional dysregulation.

15:10

🌱 Healing and Growth Beyond Overthinking

The final paragraph wraps up the episode with a message of hope and self-empowerment. Claire shares her passion for helping others heal from the inside out, emphasizing that everyone deserves to experience love, joy, and peace. She acknowledges her own journey of self-discovery and healing, which has fueled her dedication to her work. Claire invites listeners to stay tuned for upcoming events and resources that can support them in overcoming overthinking and relationship anxiety, promising to provide more accessible ways to assist them in their personal growth.

Keywords

💡Overthinking

Overthinking refers to the act of excessively analyzing or worrying about a situation, often leading to anxiety and indecision. In the context of the video, overthinking is presented as a common issue that can negatively affect relationships, particularly when it stems from relationship anxiety or anxious attachment. The speaker, Claire, discusses how overthinking can lead individuals to spiral into repetitive negative thoughts, which can be a defense mechanism against perceived threats in a relationship.

💡Relationship Anxiety

Relationship anxiety is a type of anxiety that is specifically related to romantic relationships, often characterized by fears of abandonment, rejection, or other insecurities. The video's theme revolves around understanding and addressing this anxiety, as it is a key factor in overthinking within relationships. Claire mentions that overthinking is 'highly likely' in those with relationship anxiety, indicating its prevalence and importance in the discussion.

💡Anxious Attachment

Anxious attachment is a term used in attachment theory to describe a pattern of insecure attachment characterized by a strong desire for closeness and fear of loss in relationships. In the video, Claire identifies anxious attachment as a probable cause for overthinking in relationships, where individuals with this attachment style may worry excessively about their partner's feelings or the stability of the relationship.

💡High-Performing

High-performing individuals are those who excel in their respective fields, often characterized by a strong drive for achievement and success. Claire, the relationship coach in the video, specifically mentions high-performing women who may struggle with relationship issues despite their professional success. This keyword is significant as it highlights the target audience of the podcast and the commonality among them of excelling in career but facing challenges in personal relationships.

💡Disregulation

Disregulation, in the context of the video, refers to a state where an individual's nervous system is not functioning optimally, leading to reactions that are not based on rational thought but rather on instinctual responses. Claire explains that when someone is in a state of disregulation, they are more likely to act from a 'lizard brain' survival instinct rather than engage in critical thinking, which is a key point in understanding the root of overthinking in relationships.

💡Critical Thinking

Critical thinking is the objective analysis and evaluation of an issue in order to form a judgment. In the video, Claire distinguishes between critical thinking and overthinking, emphasizing that overthinking often occurs when individuals are not in a state of critical thought but rather are caught in a cycle of fear-based reactions. She encourages the audience to discern between truly using their logical brain and simply spiraling in repetitive thoughts.

💡Fear Mechanism

A fear mechanism is a psychological response that triggers protective behaviors in response to perceived threats. Claire discusses overthinking as a fear mechanism, where the brain attempts to protect itself by rehearsing potential negative outcomes. This concept is central to understanding why overthinking can be detrimental, as it often leads to actions based on fear rather than rational decision-making.

💡Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage one's own emotions and the emotions of others. In the video, Claire touches on the importance of having a healthy relationship with one's emotions and the difference between being emotional and having emotional intelligence. She suggests that overthinking can be a sign of lacking emotional intelligence, as individuals may not be effectively processing their emotions.

💡Conditioning

Conditioning refers to the process of learning through repeated exposure to certain stimuli, leading to the formation of habits or responses. Claire mentions conditioning in relation to overthinking, suggesting that individuals may have learned to overthink as a defense mechanism in response to past experiences. This keyword is important for understanding how past experiences can shape current behaviors and thought patterns in relationships.

💡Nervous System Activation

Nervous system activation is the physiological response of the body's nervous system to stimuli, which can include the 'fight or flight' response. In the video, Claire explains that when the nervous system is activated, particularly in response to fear, individuals are less likely to engage in critical thinking and more likely to act from a place of instinct. This concept is integral to understanding the physiological basis of overthinking in relationships.

💡Self-Regulation

Self-regulation is the ability to control one's emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in different situations. Claire discusses the importance of self-regulation in managing overthinking and relationship anxiety. She suggests that individuals who are not self-regulated may be more prone to overthinking as a result of their nervous system's disregulated state, which can lead to acting from a place of fear rather than rational thought.

Highlights

The podcast episode focuses on addressing overthinking in relationships and its connection to relationship anxiety or anxious attachment.

Claire, the host and relationship coach, specializes in helping high-performing, overachieving women with relationship issues.

Success is not limited to career achievements; it also includes women who are successful in managing a home and family.

The importance of distinguishing between critical thinking and spiraling thoughts in the context of relationship anxiety.

The role of the nervous system in overthinking, with a state of 'disregulation' leading to non-rational thinking patterns.

The acknowledgment that overthinking is a defense mechanism of the brain attempting to protect itself through fear.

The difference between a regulated and disregulated nervous system and its impact on behavior during times of fear.

The concept that we are not our thoughts and the importance of understanding this separation for emotional health.

The idea that overthinking is not a magical predictor of outcomes but rather a learned behavior.

The impact of thoughts on actions and behavior, emphasizing that overthinking does not cause events but influences how we act.

The need to recognize when we are intellectualizing or avoiding our feelings instead of processing them healthily.

The importance of emotional regulation and intelligence in managing emotions and avoiding overthinking.

Claire's personal journey and realization of her own emotional regulation issues, leading to a deeper understanding of the topic.

The upcoming support resources and events from Claire to help listeners manage overthinking and relationship anxiety.

The message of hope and empowerment, encouraging listeners to believe in their ability to overcome overthinking and relationship issues.

Transcripts

welcome to the be that healing girl podcast and  today on this episode we're going to talk about  

what you need to know to stop overthinking your  relationship and I don't know if you're new here  

but if you are I talk about this all day every  day and honestly I love it I can't get enough  

of it and I have been noticing this kind of theme  in my DMs and with my clients and I just thought  

I'd make an episode on this on what you're  probably doing wrong in your attempt to heal  

your relationship anxiety or anxious attachment  because if you're overthinking your relationship  

it is highly highly likely that you have this  issue in your relationships relationship anxiety  

or anxious attachment so make sure to hang around  I'm going to drop some really solid tips on what  

you're probably doing wrong so that you can  actually stop doing them yourself so let's  

do it and if you're new here my name is Claire I  am a relationship coach and I love helping High  

performing overachieving maybe type A girlies  who are slaying in their career but you are  

sucking in your relationships and that can be a  whole range of whether you're in medical school  

you are a medical doctor you're academic you're  a career Crusher you're climbing the corporate  

ladder or you're an entrepreneur I just notice  these themes in my clients again and again  

where they are highly successful and by the way  success does not is limited to is not limited to  

you being uh successful at your career I also  have clients who are married and home with the  

kids arguably that is the hardest job out there  uh and maybe you left a career to do that so just  

know that these have many definitions but I I will  say particularly that the women that I tend to  

support have you guys are overachievers that's  just hands down that's that's the thing so if  

that is you and you're in good company and also I  have the noticing the reviews on the podcast oh my  

gosh I think I just saw 70 reviews on Spotify if  you are enjoying this episode or any of the other  

episodes hitting the five stars means so much it  seriously is like one click of the button and I am  

watching literally every week thank you so much if  you done that and just hit the star it just takes  

nothing so thanks so for doing that uh let's dive  in because I know that this is a topic that I just  

I love sharing because this was my experience  and I'll even say this wasn't just my my dating  

experience this even was in my uh early stages  of my marriage and quite honestly I see different  

forms of it now and here's what I just want to  say around overthinking and how I approach it and  

what I notice with my clients and I had a client  of mine who was sharing well it's not completely  

gone my overthinking and I'm like well yeah  because thinking is part of what we do as humans  

and we need to have critical thinking and I I just  don't even want to go down that road around what I  

think these days around a lot of us who are not  using critical thinking I'm just thinking about  

politics but anyway um we need critical thinking  we need to discern and we need to use our brain to  

make good decisions and while that is important  there's like a whole spectrum of that and you  

might be on the spectrum that is not necessarily  critically thinking or making discernments in your  

relationship but instead you spiraling you're  spinning you're thinking the same thoughts over  

and over again and so I just want to make that  important distinction as you are Discerning how  

can I tell if I'm actually just using my logical  critical thinking brain or if I am spiraling out  

okay and I'll say this is what you need to know  that there is a difference between spiraling and  

using having the same thought again and again and  again they don't like me what did I do wrong did  

I push them away or something like that versus  being able to critically think and what you need  

to know is if you are in a state where your body  is activated your nervous system is activated  

and the the simple term for that is if you are  disregulated at ated meaning you are in a fight  

ORF flight then yeah it is highly likely that you  are not critically thinking okay I say that with  

so much love but is probably not what's happening  instead you acting from literally your lizard  

brain all right the the science around this is  really clear we have different parts of our brain  

and when we're in disregulation when our nervous  system is activated we are seriously just thinking  

and acting usually from our brain stem it's like  literal survival brain and when we get activated  

when we feel fear feel that fear by the way if you  didn't know this I don't edit my podcast this is  

seriously like one shot because this is the brand  y'all I don't believe in Perfection there's no  

such thing as being perfect in relationship  so just FYI uh let me say this again so our  

fear brain when it's activated we we can't make  those distinctions it's literally our our nervous  

system takes over and we cannot think with our  logical brain so a lot of times I notice with my  

clients they feel really ashamed and like really  frustrated because they are smart okay to go to  

medical school to open three businesses to climb  a corporate ladder you have to be smart there's  

just no other way around it and what I notice is  that it causes a lot of Shame for a lot of a lot  

of you because you feel like you know better and a  lot of times times this is like a classic Hallmark  

thing when I work with clients logically in your  brain logically you know that you shouldn't send  

the five pages of text you shouldn't call him 17  times okay and I'll just speak personally I would  

feel so ashamed but at the same time at the same  time I couldn't help myself I had I had to send  

the text uh I had to say the thing and sometimes  disregulation will show up as just like word vomit  

and so what we need to know is it's actually  not your logical brain the part of you that  

knows better that knows that this is probably  not appropriate and I probably should take a  

chill pill that's not the part of your body that  is acting out so what you need to know is that the  

difference between a regulated nervous system  and a disregulated nervous system and I don't  

like saying this word word but I'm only going to  say it because it's out there and I I just want  

to be be clear that this is like not a term that I  use flippantly but I'll just use it in describing  

myself like I felt like I was crazy I I felt like  I I was feeling so disconnected from what my mind  

wanted to do but I couldn't help this part of me  and so again I don't use that word lightly but  

that it's you're not crazy I was not crazy I was  just regulated my nervous system was in overdrive  

I was feeling the fear and I was straight up just  acting from a place of fear and so that in simple  

in simple explanation and simple terms is you are  not yourself you are acting from a disregulated  

state where you're not thinking rationally and  you're coming from a place of fear so when it  

comes to overthinking that is a fear mechanism  okay that is essentially your brain trying to  

protect itself and I actually have seen this a  few times and you can make the distinction right  

now because if you are really clear that this is  how it has to be then honestly I'm I love you but  

I'm not the person for you like I'm not the best  person to listen to because this is not going to  

land for you so keep going but um I used to I  could definitely relate to thinking well this  

is just how I am this is is the way that I do it  I have to think about these things and there's  

a combination of not just your your system is  disregulated your nervous system is disregulated  

but also the conditioning what who you think you  are and I don't this this is like a big big topic  

but really you are not your thoughts all right you  are totally separate than your thoughts and this  

is like dipping our toes into the spirituality  realm and I not going to hide that this is part  

of it but when we start to understand that we  are not our thoughts that really our thoughts  

were given to us we our brains learn through  Association so it's the the patterns are how  

you defend yourself when you're feeling fear so  we know on a body level okay I fear Fe I feel fear  

and I start down this whole defensive mechanism  I have my lizard brains turned on I can't think  

my brain my logical brain there's another layer to  this which is why when I work with clients it's a  

very holistic approach of mind body and spirit but  then there's this other layer that we don't even  

understand and you need to know that there's the  body response but then there's also our response  

into our conditioning and so if you have ever  said well I've I've thought it and so and I and  

and I I I thought about it so then it happened  like I love you so much but that is not what's  

happening I love you but you don't have a magic  eightball well maybe you have a magic eightball  

but you don't have a magic wand like Harry Potter  you aren't God like you you nobody's out there  

thinking things into happening um overthinking  is a mechanism which you have maybe learned that  

if I can think about what I need to do then it'll  happen and that's actually not what's causing the  

thing to happen so it is overthinking is a defense  mechanism that we sometimes get we literally talk  

ourselves into thinking that that's that's reality  and it's not but what could be happening is that  

we have thoughts and our thoughts impact our  actions and our Behavior so if we are thinking  

bad things happen we are acting as though bad  things happen we are putting making choices  

like bad things are going to happen what do you  think's going to happen I mean you don't have  

to be a rocket scientist to to figure that out  because our thoughts impact our choices and impact  

how we behave so it's not the overthinking that  got you in that place even though it might feel  

like that um but again you're not God you don't  have a magic wand that's not what's happening  

but it does our our thoughts impact our choices  our behavior and all that's connected so um it's  

almost like this py this vicious cycle where oh  I think bad things are going to happen so they  

happen no it's that's not what's happening and I  want just want to say that it's really simple to  

uh simple yeah simple to shift how you perceive  things and a lot of times we don't even recognize  

that we're we're overthinking in the attempt  because we're not actually feeling our feelings  

and I would say this is a big piece around what if  you what you need to know around the overthinking  

is that the overthinking is not going to solve  the problem and a lot of times we we are taught  

in our society that intellectualizing that knowing  something is important and re really the reality  

is we are totally displaced from feeling our  feelings I'll call myself out I would say with  

my I've had multiple spirital Awakenings at this  point but I had a big Awakening around 2020 2021  

that I I had thought up to that point and I think  how old was I I was like you know mid-30 something  

like that not going to age myself but I I had  no clue that I had been stuffing down ignoring  

avoiding and distracting from feeling and once  I started understanding how to feel my feelings  

how to look at my subconscious have a healthy  relationship with it when I started to understand  

oh my gosh I'm not crazy this is just my  disregulated nervous system and I started putting  

all those pieces together that I had no clue about  because we are not taught we are not it's just  

like I don't I have yet to meet somebody very few  people I take that back I very very few people and  

I consider them to be like walking angels on Earth  are actually taught how to feel our feelings where  

feelings were maybe never valued they were never  safe they were dismissed they were told to get  

over it uh but I had had no clue that I was not  feeling my feelings uh what I now can understand  

at that point was I was emotional but I was not in  right relationship with my emotions and there is  

a huge difference between being able to process  your emotions and being emotional and uh I call  

that emotional intelligence emotional regulation  there's a huge difference between I'm crying all  

the time which by the way crying is great I'm a  huge crier believe me I've made peace of that I  

I am a crier but there's a big difference between  being emotional ex and experiencing the emotions  

versus processing them and regulating them and  there's like a whole different conversation about  

that but I would think well I'm not emotional I'm  not emotional and I don't cry in fact when I was  

in my 20s I definitely that was like something  I said oh I cringe cringe cringe cringe at Young  

Claire and I love her I bless her when I would say  I don't cry crying is for babies crying is weak  

because guess what that's what I thought about  feelings but feelings uh but my those thoughts  

were not my thoughts those were given to me I took  that on somebody had told me that before so yeah  

I didn't understand how to process feelings to be  with my emotions and it was showing up because I  

was tamping all of that down I was becoming overly  emotional when I really shouldn't be right like  

when small things would happen I'd get really  worked up really overwhelmed because I wasn't  

having a healthy relationship with my emotions so  lots of things that I kind of opened the box on  

and I just want to say that these are things that  I I'm only sharing these things because I myself  

did not know them until I started on the long path  and I spent a lot of time a lot of energy a lot  

of investment of of everything into this healing  process and it's also why I'm really passionate  

about it I can talk about it all day every day  and I do because we all deserve you deserve your  

Birthright is to feel love and joy and peace  inside yourself and we don't know what we don't  

know so understanding wow am I being emotional or  am I actually in right relationship with my emo  

am I overthinking because I'm trying to protect  myself am I crazy or am I Justice regulated these  

are things that I I Know Myself personally  I struggled with and I know that you can  

work through them and if you are at all wanting  support needing that um I am open to talking about  

clients in fact I will just say this my oneon-one  clients are on a wait list but I have some really  

fun things coming out and make sure you just are  on the email list or checking out my Ig stories  

because I've got some really fun things coming up  for the summer different ways that I can support  

you in in more accessible ways that can really  make the difference in overthinking and your  

relationship anxiety and your anxious attachment  I believe in you I love you catch you soon