Biological Anthropologist Answers Love Questions From Twitter | Tech Support | WIRED

Summary

In this insightful video, Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, delves into the complexities of love. She explains the instant trigger of romantic love, the evolutionary basis of pair bonding, and the brain's response to love and rejection. Fisher also addresses modern dating challenges, the distinction between romantic and platonic attraction, and the physiological underpinnings of love. Her research reveals patterns in attraction and the enduring nature of love as a fundamental human experience.

Takeaways

• 🧠 The human brain can handle about five to nine options before it becomes overwhelmed, which is relevant to decision-making in various contexts, including dating apps.
• 💘 Love at first sight is a real phenomenon, triggered by a person fitting into one's 'love map' and activating the brain's romantic love circuitry.
• 🧬 Love evolved as part of human nature, with pair bonding being a key aspect of our species, setting us apart from most mammals.
• ❤️ The brain's response to love and rejection involves the nucleus accumbens, a region also active in addictions, indicating the intense and addictive nature of love.
• ⏳ Time can heal the pain of love rejection, as the brain has survival mechanisms that have evolved over millions of years.
• 🌐 Online dating is a common way to meet partners, with about 40% of American singles having met their last first date on the internet.
• 🚫 Overwhelm from too many choices on dating apps can be avoided by limiting the number of potential partners to nine and focusing on getting to know one better.
• 🤔 Positive illusions, such as overlooking negative traits and focusing on the positive, can help in forming romantic connections.
• 🔁 Cheating can occur even when one is in love, as different brain systems govern sex drive and romantic love.
• 🧬 Attraction is influenced by a combination of cultural factors and brain systems related to dopamine, serotonin, testosterone, and estrogen, which are associated with different personality traits.
• 💊 Romantic and platonic attraction can be distinguished by the level of obsession and special meaning one assigns to the other person.
• 💖 The brain's ventral tegmental area is responsible for the focus and motivation of romantic love, linking love to basic survival instincts like hunger and thirst.
• 🤝 Soulmates are believed to exist, but one is unlikely to have more than one at a time, reflecting the singular nature of intense romantic love.
• ❤️ The association of love with the heart may have originated from the physiological responses of love, such as a pounding heart, and cultural representations in art.

Q & A

What is the optimal number of options the human brain can handle before becoming overwhelmed?

The human brain is not built to deal with more than about five to nine options. After that, the brain spaces out, making it harder to make decisions.

How does Dr. Helen Fisher explain 'love at first sight'?

Dr. Helen Fisher explains 'love at first sight' as a brain system that can be triggered instantly. It is like the fear or anger systems, and it can happen when someone fits within your 'love map' and triggers the brain circuitry for romantic love.

What is a 'love map' according to Dr. Helen Fisher?

A 'love map' is an unconscious and conscious list of what you're looking for in a partner. It influences who you are attracted to and can trigger romantic love when you meet someone who fits your love map.

What are the three brain systems associated with love and bonding, according to the script?

The three brain systems are the sex drive, romantic love, and feelings of deep attachment. These systems have evolved over millions of years to facilitate pair bonding and reproduction in humans.

What happens in the brain when someone is rejected in love?

When someone is rejected in love, their brain shows heightened activity in the nucleus accumbens, a region associated with addiction. This is why being rejected in love can feel like an addiction and is one of the worst experiences.

Why do people often fail with online dating, according to Dr. Helen Fisher?

People often fail with online dating because they binge on too many options, leading to decision paralysis. They should limit their options to five to nine people and focus on getting to know them better. Additionally, they should look for reasons to say yes instead of focusing on negative traits.

Can someone be in love and still cheat?

Yes, it is possible to be in love and still cheat. The sex drive and romantic love are different brain systems, and humans have the capability to experience romantic love with one person while being physically attracted to others.

What are the four basic brain systems associated with different personality traits?

The four basic brain systems are dopamine, serotonin, testosterone, and estrogen systems. Each system is associated with a different set of personality traits, such as novelty-seeking, traditionalism, analytical thinking, and empathy.

How can someone distinguish between romantic and platonic attraction?

Romantic attraction involves obsession and special meaning attributed to the person, whereas platonic attraction does not involve such intense focus or obsession.

What physiological changes occur when someone is in love?

When someone is in love, there is increased activity in the ventral tegmental area (VTA), which produces dopamine. This leads to focus, motivation, obsession, and craving for the loved one. Other physiological responses can include a pounding heart and weak knees.

Outlines

00:00

🧠 Understanding Love and the Brain

Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, discusses the human brain's limitations in processing more than five to nine options, leading to inaction in decision-making. She introduces the concept of 'love at first sight' as a triggerable brain system akin to fear or anger, activated when someone meets the criteria of an individual's 'love map.' Dr. Fisher also explains the evolutionary purpose of pair bonding and the distinct brain systems responsible for sex drive, romantic love, and attachment. She shares her research on brain activity in individuals who have been rejected in love, highlighting the role of the nucleus accumbens in both love and addiction, and emphasizes the healing power of time as a survival mechanism.

05:02

💞 The Science of Attraction and Love

This paragraph delves into the factors influencing who we fall in love with, including timing, proximity, and shared backgrounds. It introduces four brain systems associated with different personality traits: dopamine, serotonin, testosterone, and estrogen. Dr. Fisher's questionnaire, taken by millions, reveals patterns in who is naturally drawn to whom based on these traits. The summary explains how different levels of these systems in individuals influence their attraction to similar or opposite traits. It also touches on the physiological responses of love, such as a pounding heart, and the historical association of the heart shape with romantic love since the 1300s.

10:03

👫 Love, Relationships, and Human Behavior

The final paragraph addresses various aspects of love and relationships. It discusses the concept of soulmates, suggesting that while one can have multiple soulmates throughout their life, it's unlikely to have more than one at a time. The paragraph also explores the physiological responses associated with love, such as a pounding heart during intense emotional experiences. It examines the statistical data on divorce rates among couples who meet online, suggesting that online dating may lead to slightly more stable relationships. The discussion on jealousy in love highlights 'mate guarding' behavior, a natural instinct to protect a relationship. Lastly, it suggests that playing together can increase 'love hormones,' emphasizing the importance of shared activities in strengthening romantic bonds.

Keywords

💡Love at first sight

Love at first sight refers to the experience of feeling an instant romantic connection upon first seeing someone. In the video, Dr. Helen Fisher explains that this phenomenon is easily explained by the brain's ability to quickly recognize and respond to someone who fits within our subconscious 'love map', triggering the brain circuitry for romantic love.

💡Love map

A love map is an unconscious and conscious list of qualities and traits that an individual is looking for in a partner. It is mentioned in the script as a guide that we carry in our heads, which helps us identify potential partners when we are ready to fall in love.

💡Attachment

Attachment, as discussed in the video, is a brain system that grows slowly and is associated with feelings of deep connection and security in a relationship. Unlike romantic love, which can be instant, attachment requires time and getting to know someone to develop.

💡Pair bonding

Pair bonding is a term used to describe the formation of long-term partnerships between two individuals, often for the purpose of rearing offspring together. Dr. Fisher mentions that humans are unique among mammals for forming such bonds, which has led to the evolution of brain systems for love and attachment.

💡Nucleus accumbens

The nucleus accumbens is a region in the brain that is associated with reward, pleasure, and addiction. In the context of the video, Dr. Fisher explains that this area becomes active in cases of love addiction and rejection, similar to how it reacts in substance and behavioral addictions.

💡Binge

In the script, 'binge' is used to describe the behavior of overwhelming oneself with too many choices, particularly in the context of online dating. Dr. Fisher advises against this, stating that the human brain is not equipped to handle more than five to nine options at a time, leading to indecision and potential disengagement.

💡Negativity bias

Negativity bias refers to the psychological tendency to focus more on negative experiences or information than positive ones. In the video, it is mentioned as a reason why people might quickly dismiss potential partners after minimal interaction, by focusing on negative traits or differences.

💡Soulmate

A soulmate, as defined in the video, is someone with whom one shares a deep, genuine attachment and intense romantic love. Dr. Fisher believes in the concept of soulmates but suggests that one cannot have more than one soulmate at a time, drawing a parallel to the exclusivity of romantic love.

💡Dopamine

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter associated with reward, motivation, and pleasure. In the context of love, the script explains that the ventral tegmental area of the brain produces dopamine during romantic love, contributing to the focus, motivation, and obsession that characterize this emotion.

💡Serotonin

Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that contributes to feelings of well-being and happiness. In the video, it is mentioned as part of the brain systems that influence personality traits and who we are attracted to, with people high on serotonin traits tending to be traditional and conventional.

💡Testosterone

Testosterone is a hormone linked to sex drive and certain personality traits such as being analytical and direct. The video script suggests that individuals with high levels of testosterone traits are drawn to their opposites, highlighting the complexity of attraction and compatibility.

💡Estrogen

Estrogen is another hormone, predominantly associated with females, that influences personality traits such as being imaginative and good at reading non-verbal cues. In the video, people with high estrogen traits are said to be drawn to their opposites, indicating a pattern in attraction that seeks balance.

Highlights

The human brain is not built to deal with more than about five to nine options. After that, the brain just spaces out.

Love at first sight is extremely easy to explain. It's a brain system that can be triggered instantly.

We all carry in our head what I call a love map, an unconscious and conscious list of what you're looking for in a partner.

Romantic love can be instant, but attachment grows slowly and requires getting to know someone.

Love evolved for millions of years, and humans form partnerships, unlike 97% of mammals.

Rejection in love activates the same brain regions as addiction, particularly the nucleus accumbens.

Time heals heartbreak, and the brain eventually recovers, as it's a survival mechanism.

About 40% of singles in America met their last first date online, but people often make the mistake of binging and not focusing on fewer options.

Think of reasons to say yes instead of no, to counteract the brain's negativity bias when dating.

Different brain systems are involved in sex drive, romantic love, and attachment, allowing people to love one person but still cheat.

Cultural, personal, and biological factors all contribute to why we fall in love with certain people.

Four basic brain systems influence personality traits and attraction: dopamine, serotonin, testosterone, and estrogen.

Romantic love is characterized by obsession and special significance of the loved one, unlike platonic attraction.

Online dating can't kill romance as it's a basic brain system evolved over millions of years.

The ventral tegmental area (VTA) in the brain, associated with dopamine production, is active in people madly in love.

Romantic love and its brain systems are deeply rooted in human survival and evolution.

Transcripts

- The human brain is not built to deal

with more than about five to nine options.

After that, the brain just spaces out.

You choose nobody.

Hi, I'm Dr. Helen Fisher.

I'm a biological anthropologist.

I study love.

And this is Love Support.

[upbeat music]

This person calls herself Ruth Bader.

"Love at first sight is probably bull [beep], right?"

Wrong.

Love at first sight is extremely easy to explain.

This is a brain system,

it's like the fear system or the anger system,

and it can be triggered instantly.

You gotta be ready for it,

and we all carry in our head what I call a love map,

an unconscious and conscious list

of what you're looking for in a partner.

But the moment comes, you're ready to fall in love,

you see somebody from across the crowded room, or wherever,

they fit within your love map,

you go over and you speak to them,

they smile sweetly at you,

they say something that's funny or charming or interesting,

and boom, instantly triggered that brain circuitry

for romantic love.

Attachment, that other brain system, grows slowly.

You have to get to know somebody

to begin to feel attachment.

But romantic love can be instant, yes.

This is from issyleen.

"Who created love?

"This shit is too much to handle."

Well, love evolved.

For millions of years we have formed partnerships,

pair bonding, or monogamy.

Mono means one and gamy means spouse, one spouse.

That's all it means to scientists.

People are also adulterous, but they form partnerships.

97% of mammals do not pair up to rear their young.

People do. It's a hallmark of the human animal.

And along with the evolution of pair bonding

came the evolution of the human brain systems

for the sex drive, romantic love,

and feelings of deep attachment.

I and my colleagues have put 15 people into a brain scanner

who had just been rejected in love,

and the brain goes, just the wiring just goes crazy.

I mean, when you're madly in love with somebody

and you've been dumped, it's one of the worst experiences.

I mean, people pine for love, they live for love,

they kill for love, and they die for love.

And I do think that it is an addiction,

because we found activity in a particular brain region,

it's called the nucleus accumbens.

That particular brain region is active

in all of the addictions, all the substance addictions,

all the behavioral addictions like gambling,

and it becomes just as active

when you've been rejected in love.

And when this person says,

"This shit is too much to handle."

Well, we all do handle it.

The vast majority of us do get over it.

And I've been able to prove in the brain that time does heal

because it is our survival.

It is a survival mechanism.

It evolved millions of years ago,

and it will be with us millions of years from now.

Romantic love is primordial,

it's adaptable, and it's eternal.

So this shit will always be too much to handle,

but will do it anyway.

This person is skzismyuniverse.

"How to try and fall in love during a pandemic?

"Dating apps aren't really doing it."

They're doing it for a lot of people.

About 40% of singles in America

said that they met their last first date on the internet.

The two mistakes that they make,

perhaps this person is making them to.

First mistake is they binge.

The human brain is not built to deal

with more than about five to nine options.

After that, the brain just spaces out.

You choose nobody.

So the first thing that you've got to do

is after you've met nine people,

and that's what this person needs to do,

get off the internet site, get off of it,

and get to know at least one of these people better.

The more you get to know somebody,

the better you tend to like them.

So number one, don't binge.

Number two, think of reasons to say yes instead of no.

We have this big brain region linked with negativity bias.

We're built to remember the negative.

And when you have just met somebody

you know so little about them

that you overweight those few things that you know.

And so you'll say, "Oh, I don't know.

"She likes cats, I like dogs.

"Never gonna work."

Get over it.

Think of reasons to say yes.

I call it positive illusions,

the ability to overlook what you don't like about somebody

and focus on what you do.

This is from somebody called theejenbunny2.

"Can you truly be in love and cheat?"

Alas, you can.

You know, these are different brain systems.

Sex drive and romantic love or different brain systems,

and you can be mad madly in love with somebody

and also sleep around.

As a matter of fact, I do think that the brain

is unfortunately built for both.

I've looked at adultery in 40 cultures

and you see it everywhere in the world, even in places

where you could get your head chopped off for it.

We seem to have the ability to be madly in love

with some person and deeply attached to that person,

and also sneak around.

I call it a dual human reproductive strategy,

a tremendous drive to fall in love,

form a partnership, and have your babies, and also to cheat.

Next up is from rodneyjgavino.

"Google search: How does attraction work?"

Why him? Why her?

Why do you fall in love with one person rather than another?

There's all kinds of cultural reasons.

We tend to fall in love when the timing is right.

We tend to fall in love with somebody who's around.

Proximity is important.

We tend to fall in love with somebody

from the same ethnic and socioeconomic background,

somebody of the same level of education.

And there's four basic brain systems

that each one of them is associated with a constellation,

a suite, a group of personality traits:

dopamine, serotonin, testosterone, and estrogen systems.

I created a questionnaire to see to what degree

you express the traits

in all four of these basic brain systems.

It's now been taken by over 15 million people

in 40 countries, and I'm able to watch

who's naturally drawn to whom.

If you're very high on the traits in the dopamine system,

risk taking, novelty seeking, curious, creative,

you tend to be drawn to people like yourself.

If you are very high on the traits of the serotonin system,

you tend to be traditional, conventional, follow the rules,

respect, authority, detail oriented rather than theoretical.

You're also drawn to people like yourself.

So if you're very high testosterone,

you tend to be analytical, logical, direct, decisive,

good at things like math, engineering, computers, music,

music's very structural,

and you're drawn to your opposite.

High estrogen people, and this is men as well as women,

many more are women in that category,

they tend to see the big picture, they think long term,

they're very imaginative,

very good at reading posture, gesture, tone of voice.

We all express all four systems.

This is what the problem is

with most personality questionnaires today.

They put you in one bucket or another.

We express all four brain systems and the traits in each,

but we express some more than others.

Now, there's all kinds of circumstances

where people are drawn to their opposite in ways

because they had a bad love affair,

they've been running around all their lives

and now they want something more stable

so they go for the traditional

even if they're very risk taking.

That's human variety.

But the bottom line is there's patterns to culture,

there's patterns to nature,

and there's patterns to personality.

This is from sadshortfriend2.

"How does someone know if they're feeling romantic

"or platonic attraction?"

There's a real list of traits

that are associated with feelings of romantic love

and they are not associated with platonic attraction.

The first thing that happens when you fall in love

is somebody takes on special meaning.

Everything about them becomes special.

The car they drive looks different

from every other car in the parking lot.

The house that they live in, the street that they live on,

the music that they like.

When it's a platonic attraction,

not everything is special about this human being.

You like them.

I mean, you're attracted to them,

you find them amusing or funny or interesting,

but you're not obsessed with them.

But if you had to think about one, just one trait,

that is most distinctive between the two,

when you're madly in love with somebody

in a romantic attraction you are obsessed.

And in a platonic attraction

you don't think about them night and day.

This person is ReprogramCoach.

"Is online dating killing romance?"

It can't kill romance.

This is a basic brain system.

It evolved millions of years ago.

It's like hunger or thirst or anger or fear.

You can't kill romance.

My next up is from NitaBeater.

"I wonder what's actually going on through our bodies

"when we think we're in love.

"Like, what chemicals are enhanced."

I and my colleagues have put over 100 people

into a brain scanner who were madly in love.

The first group were people who were happily in love,

the second were a group of people who were rejected in love,

and the third was a group of people

who were in love long term.

So we put these people in the brain scanner,

we had them look at a photograph of their sweetheart

and also a neutral photograph

so we could compare the brain under both circumstances,

and we were able to find that everybody who's madly in love,

rejected in love, or in love long term

begins to have activity in a tiny little factory

near the base of the brain

called the ventral tegmental area.

It's way at the base of the brain.

And that brain region actually makes dopamine

and sends dopamine to many brain regions

giving you that focus, the motivation, the obsession,

the craving of intense romantic love.

And what's interesting to me is that little factory,

the VTA, lies right next to the factory

that orchestrates thirst and hunger.

Thirst and hunger keep you alive today.

Romantic love enables you to focus your mating energy

on just one individual at a time

and start the mating process

and send your DNA into tomorrow.

This is from catchmyfly.

"Do you believe in soulmates?

"If so, do you believe you can have more than one?"

Yes, and yes.

I do believe in soulmates.

I do not believe you can have more than one at a time.

So now, what is a soulmate?

I think what this person means

is somebody who it's a true love.

You're not gonna sleep with other people.

You're not thinking of going anywhere.

You might even consider dying for him or her.

It is a very deep, genuine attachment,

intense feeling of romantic love.

And I think that this is summed up best by a poet

from the 15th century in India named Kabir.

"The lane of love is narrow.

"There's room for only one."

And indeed, when you're madly in love,

it's with only one person.

I do believe you can have a soulmate.

I think that you may have a series of soulmates,

but I don't think you can have

more than one soulmate at a time.

From somebody called dancewithvoices.

"Why don't people associate love with the heart?

"Why not the penis or the sternum?"

There may be a physiological reason

why it has been associated with love,

and that is there's a lot of characteristics,

a lot of things happen when you fall madly in love,

and one of them is the heart can really pound

when you're really nervous about something.

I mean, when you're madly in love,

not only do you feel that ecstasy, euphoria, sleeplessness,

loss of appetite, obsessive thinking about the person,

craving for emotional union,

but also all kinds of physiological responses.

Weak knees maybe, a pounding heart.

It really started in the 1300s

with Giotto in a painting.

Prior to that, there were a lot of uses

of the shape of the heart.

In fact, as early as 5,000 years ago in the Indus Valley,

they were drawing things that looked like

the shape of a heart.

And at that point it was the seed

of a form of parsley plant or an ivy leaf.

But it became associated with romantic love

probably with the painting by Giotto in 1309.

This is from Jay at 53k1.

"I lust hard and lose interest quick.

"How does that work?"

Well, you're not ready to fall in love.

We've evolved three distinctly different brain systems

for mating and reproduction.

One is the sex drive linked with testosterone

in both men and women.

The second is romantic love.

We've been able to prove this is linked

with the dopamine system in both men and women.

That's what gives you the focus,

the motivation, the obsession.

And the third brain system is attachment,

that sense of calm and security

you can feel with a longterm partner.

And this individual he's in the lust stage.

He's not ready to fall in love.

You know, you have to be ready to fall in love

to actually do it,

and he's just experiencing a different brain system,

the lust system.

This question is from gertig.

It's a very interesting question.

"Any good data out there on divorce rates

"for couples that meet via online dating sites?"

Apparently if you met somebody online,

as opposed to offline, you're less likely to divorce,

just by a little, but you are less likely to divorce.

People who date online are more likely to be fully employed,

more likely to have higher education,

and more likely to be interested in a committed partnership.

This is from Raki'a Rae.

"How can you be in love with somebody and jealous of them?"

Easily.

When you're madly in love with somebody,

it's called mate guarding.

Other animals do it too.

And if you see your partner beginning to flirt

with other individuals, you could lose that partner,

you could lose your children, you could lose your house,

you could lose your friends, you could lose your money.

I mean, you know, the game of love matters.

This is from LaMattina10.

"Question of the day," this person writes.

"Couples that do the this together

"have 20% more love hormones.

"It's not dirty."

Well, I don't know what this person has in mind,

but I would say play.

When you play with somebody

you're driving up the dopamine system in the brain

and that gives you focus, motivation, energy, and optimism.

Play with somebody, stay with somebody.

Oh, that's it. That's all the questions.

I enjoyed answering them.

Thank you for joining me.

'Til next time.