Narcissistic Abuse: From Victim to Survivor in 6 Steps
Summary
TLDRIn 'Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited', S. Bakin offers guidance for those abused by narcissists or psychopaths. The script emphasizes the necessity of transitioning from victim to survivor, a process that involves abandoning the narcissist, acknowledging painful realities, and moving forward. It discusses the stages of grieving and the importance of healing without fixation on rage or grief. Bakin also addresses the complexities of forgiveness and the dynamic nature of human relationships, cautioning against the allure of narcissistic charm and the dangers of the Stockholm syndrome.
Takeaways
- 🚫 Abandon the Narcissist: The script emphasizes the importance of distancing oneself from a narcissist to avoid further emotional harm.
- 🛑 Moving On is Essential: It's crucial to move from victimhood to survivor status, which is a process that only the individual can initiate.
- 💡 Acceptance of Reality: Acknowledging and accepting the painful truth about the narcissistic relationship is the first step towards healing.
- 🔍 The Learning Phase: Moving on involves labeling, educating, comparing, digesting, and gaining insights to make informed decisions.
- 🛡️ Fortify Self-Esteem: The script suggests that moving on means fighting, replenishing self-esteem, seeking, and moving forward.
- 😢 Grieving is Necessary: The emotional process of grieving is a natural response to betrayal and abuse, and it's essential for healing.
- 🔄 Healing Involves Phases: The healing process includes stages of shock, anger, acceptance, and forgiveness, all of which are necessary.
- 🚫 Avoid Perpetual Grieving: Remaining stuck in grief can perpetuate the abuse, and it's important to move on to defeat the abuser.
- 🤝 Forgiveness as Healing: Forgiving can be beneficial for the forgiver, but it's not a one-size-fits-all solution and may not always be appropriate.
- 🔄 Life is Chaotic: The speaker advises against applying rigid rules to life, suggesting that flexibility is key in dealing with complex situations.
- 🤔 Assess Relationships: It's important to periodically evaluate friendships and relationships to ensure they remain healthy and supportive.
- ❌ Beware of Narcissistic 'Niceness': Narcissists may appear friendly only when they seek something, and this behavior is often manipulative and temporary.
- 🏆 Recognize Grandiosity: Narcissists may act magnanimous to flaunt their perceived superiority and to humiliate others, using them as props in their self-aggrandizement.
- 🕊️ Moving On is Empowering: Ultimately, the script encourages individuals to move on from the narcissistic relationship, which is a form of empowerment and self-preservation.
Q & A
What is the primary message of the script 'Malignant Self-Love Narcissism Revisited'?
-The primary message is that individuals who have been abused by a narcissist or psychopath must move from being a victim to a survivor, and that this transition is a personal choice that no one else can make for them.
Why does the script mention that the narcissist initiates their own abandonment?
-The script explains that the narcissist initiates abandonment due to fear of losing their sources of supply and being emotionally hurt. They prefer to control the potentially destabilizing situation by causing their own abandonment to avoid a narcissistic injury.
What is the significance of moving on in the context of the script?
-Moving on is a crucial step for survivors of narcissistic abuse. It is a process that involves acknowledging and accepting the painful reality, learning from the experience, and taking action to heal and grow.
How does the script describe the process of moving on from narcissistic abuse?
-The script describes moving on as a process that includes acknowledging the reality of the abuse, assimilating the painful experiences, learning and gaining insights, making decisions, and taking action to face the challenges of life with renewed strength and self-esteem.
What is the role of grieving in the process of moving on from narcissistic abuse?
-Grieving is an essential phase in moving on from narcissistic abuse. It involves mourning the loss of trust, the damage done by the abuser, and the innocence that was lost. It is a necessary emotional process that leads to healing.
Why is it important not to get fixated on rage or permanent grieving according to the script?
-The script emphasizes that while it's natural to feel rage and grief, getting fixated on these emotions is self-defeating and perpetuates the abuse by recreating the hurtful experiences. Moving on is the key to defeating the abuser and minimizing their importance in one's life.
What does the script suggest about the act of forgiving in the context of narcissistic abuse?
-Forgiving is presented as an important capability that benefits the forgiver more than the forgiven. However, it is not a universal behavior and sometimes it is legitimate not to forgive, depending on the severity of the abuse.
How does the script address the idea of maintaining a relationship with a narcissist?
-The script advises against maintaining a relationship with a narcissist, explaining that they are nice and friendly only when they want something from you. It suggests that the narcissist's behavior is manipulative and transient, and that one should not fall into the trap of the Stockholm syndrome.
What is the script's stance on the idea of living with a narcissist for the sake of excitement and stimulation?
-While the script acknowledges that some people might feel alive and stimulated in the presence of a narcissist, it questions why these individuals, referred to as inverted narcissists, are often unhappy and in need of help, suggesting that their approach is flawed.
How does the script describe the technique of treating narcissistic abuse as if it were 'uttered in archaic Chinese'?
-The script uses the metaphor of 'archaic Chinese' to describe a coping mechanism where individuals condition themselves to ignore the abusive behavior of a narcissist, similar to not understanding a foreign language.
What is the final advice given by the script to those who have been abused by a narcissist?
-The final advice is to move on from the abuse, not to fall into the trap of identifying with the abuser, and to make the transition from being a victim to becoming a survivor.
Outlines
🛡 Moving from Victim to Survivor
The speaker, S. Bakin, author of 'Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited,' addresses individuals who have been abused, maltreated, or harassed, suggesting they transition from victims to survivors. Bakin emphasizes that this transformation is a personal choice and cannot be made by others, including therapists or family. The first step is to abandon the narcissist, who often initiates abandonment due to fear of losing control. Abandonment can cause a narcissistic injury, but if the narcissist perceives it as self-directed, they may avoid negative consequences. Moving on is a process that involves acknowledging painful realities and resisting the urge to remain a victim. The speaker discusses the importance of learning from the experience, gaining emotional sustenance, and facing life's challenges with renewed confidence. Grieving is a necessary part of this process, allowing individuals to mourn the loss of trust and love, and to heal by moving forward.
🚫 Overcoming the Abuse Cycle
This paragraph delves into the importance of moving on from the cycle of abuse inflicted by narcissists or psychopaths. Bakin explains that holding onto rage or perpetual grieving perpetuates the abuse by recreating the victim's traumatic experiences. Forgiveness is presented as a crucial capability, beneficial more for the forgiver than the forgiven, but it is not a one-size-fits-all solution. The speaker advises against applying universal principles rigidly to life, as it can lead to self-defeating behaviors. Conflicts and adversity are seen as opportunities for growth, and human relationships require constant assessment and effort. Bakin warns against the manipulative nature of narcissists, who may appear friendly only when they seek something from the victim. The paragraph concludes with a discussion on the Stockholm syndrome, where victims may feel gratitude towards their abusers, and the importance of not falling into this trap.
🔄 The Complexities of Codependency with Narcissists
The final paragraph explores the complexities of relationships with narcissists, particularly the phenomenon of inverted narcissists who may feel alive and stimulated only in the presence of a narcissist. Bakin discusses how some individuals, conditioned by early life experiences, may prefer the drama and excitement of being with a narcissist, even if it involves abuse. The speaker describes a technique used by codependent individuals to ignore the negative aspects of the relationship by treating the abusive behavior as if it were in a language they do not understand. Bakin questions why inverted narcissists, who seemingly benefit from their relationships with narcissists, often remain unhappy and in need of professional help. The paragraph serves as a caution against the trap of identifying with one's abuser and the importance of transitioning from a victim to a survivor.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Narcissism
💡Victim to Survivor
💡Abandonment
💡Mourning
💡Healing
💡Forgiveness
💡Conflict
💡Narcissistic Supply
💡Stockholm Syndrome
💡Codependency
💡Inverted Narcissist
Highlights
The journey from victim to survivor in the context of narcissistic abuse requires personal initiative and cannot be delegated to others.
Narcissists often initiate their own abandonment to control potentially destabilizing situations and avoid narcissistic injury.
The chaotic and precarious balance of a narcissist's personality makes abandonment a feared event that could lead to severe consequences.
Moving on from a narcissist is a process that involves acknowledging and accepting the painful reality of the situation.
The learning phase involves labeling, educating oneself, comparing experiences, and making decisions based on insights gained.
Moving on means facing the challenges of relationships with fortified self-esteem and a replenished sense of self.
Grieving is a necessary phase after experiencing betrayal and abuse, involving mourning the loss of trust and innocence.
The emotional process of grieving has multiple stages, including shock, anger, acceptance, and eventually healing.
It is crucial to move on to defeat the abuser by minimizing their importance in one's life and focusing on personal growth.
Forgiveness is an important capability that benefits the forgiver more than the forgiven, but it is not always necessary or appropriate.
Life is too chaotic for rigid rules, and sentences starting with 'I never' or 'I always' can lead to self-defeating behaviors.
Conflicts and adversity are integral parts of life that contribute to personal growth just as much as care and love do.
Human relationships require periodic assessment to ensure they remain healthy, nourishing, and supportive.
Narcissists are only nice and friendly when they want something from you, using manipulation to maintain control.
The transient nature of a narcissist's kindness is often a facade to maintain their self-image and control over others.
Some individuals may feel more alive with a narcissist due to early childhood conditioning and the excitement of their presence.
The technique of treating narcissistic abuse as if it were in a foreign language can be effective for some in avoiding emotional harm.
Inverted narcissists may experience only the positive aspects of living with a narcissist while ignoring the negative ones.
The unhappiness of inverted narcissists suggests that they too may be victims of the Stockholm syndrome, identifying with their abuser.
It is essential not to fall into the trap of identifying with the abuser and to make the transition from victim to survivor.
Transcripts
my name is s Bakin and I the author of
malignant self- love narcissism
revisit so you have been abused
maltreated harassed and stalked you feel
that you fell prey to a narcissist or a
psychopath but you must move on from
victim to
Survivor no one will do it for you no
one can do it for you not your therapist
not your best friend not your nearest
family only you can choose survival over
victimhood there are a few steps to
this the first one is abandon the
narcissist The Narcissist initiates his
own abandonment because of his fear of
it he is so terrified of losing his
sources of supply and of being
emotionally hurt that he would rather
control must master or direct the
potentially destabilizing situation by
causing precipitating and engendering
his own abandonment remember the
personality of the narcissist has a low
level of organization it's chaotic it is
precariously
balanced being abandoned could cause a
narcissistic injury so grave that the
whole edifice of the narcissist can come
crumbling down narcissists usually
entertain suicidal ideation in such
cases but if the narcissist had
initiated and directed his own
abandonment if it is perceived by him as
a goal that he had set to himself he can
and does avoid all these untoward
consequences the next one is moving on
to preserve one's mental health one must
abandon the narcissist I have said that
but one must also move on moving on is a
process not a decision nor is it an
event first one has to acknowledge and
accept painful reality such acceptance
is a volcanic shattering agonizing
serious of nibbling thoughts and strong
intrusive
resistances once the battle is won and
fresh and in harsh and agonizing
realities have been assimilated one can
move on to the learning phase
what is a learning pH we're label we
label everything around us and everyone
around us we educate ourselves we
compare experiences we digest we have
insights then we decide and then we
act and this is what it means to move on
having gathered sufficient emotional
sustenance knowledge support confidence
we Face the battlefields of our
relationships fortified and nurtured
this this stage characterizes those who
do not mourn but fight do not grieve but
replenish the self-esteem do not hide
but seek do not freeze but move on move
on move on this is your motto this is
your Mantra this is the
keyword but of
course abandoning anyone and especially
the
narcissist forces one to go through a
phase of grieving or
Mourning having been having been
betrayed having been
abused inevitably we grieve we grieve
for the image we had of the traitor and
the abuser the image was so fleeting and
so wrong we mourn the damage that he did
to us we experienced the fear of never
being able to love or to trust again and
we grieve this loss of in
innocence in one stroke we had lost
someone we had trusted and even love we
had lost our trusting and loving selves
and we had lost the trust and love that
we had fa can anything be
worse the emotional process of grieving
has many phases first we are
dumbfounded and shocked inert immobile
we play dead to avoid our inner monsters
we are a ifed in our pain cast in the
mold of our reticence of
fears then we feel enraged indignant
rebellious and hateful and then we
accept and then we cry and then some of
us learn to forgive into pity and this
is what we call
Healing all stages are absolutely
necessary and good for you it is bad not
to rage back not to shame those who had
shamed us to deny prect then to evade
but it is equally bad to get fixated on
our rage permanent greeing is a
perpetuation of our abuse by other
means by endlessly recreating our hering
experiences we unwillingly collaborate
with our abusers to perpetuate their
evil Deeds It Is by moving on that we
defeat our abuser minimizing him and his
importance in our lives It Is by loving
and by trusting a new
that we an all that which was done to us
to forgive is never to forget but to
remember is not necessarily to
re-experience forgiving is an important
capability it does more for the forgiver
than for the forgiven but it should not
be a a universal indiscriminant Behavior
it is absolutely legitimate to not
forgive sometimes it depends of course
on the severity or jur ation of what had
been done to you in general it is unwise
counterproductive to apply to life
Universal and immutable principles life
is too chaotic to succumb to rigid
edicts and rules sentences which start
with I never or I always are not very
credible or clever and they often lead
to self-defeating self-restricting and
even self-destructive
behaviors conflicts are an important and
integral part of life one should never
seek them out but when confronted with a
conflict one should not avoid it it is
through conflicts and through adversity
as much as through care and love that we
grow human relationships are Dynamic we
must assess our friendships Partnerships
even our marriages per
periodically in and by itself a common
past is insufficient to sustain a
healthy nourishing supportive caring and
compassionate
relationship common memories are a
necessary but not a sufficient condition
we must gain and regain our friendships
our love our relationships on a daily
basis human relationships are a constant
test of Allegiance and
empathy but can you remain friends with
the narcissists can't you act civilized
and remain on friendly terms with your
narcissistic
ex well never forget the narcissists at
least the full-fledged ones are nice and
friendly only when they want something
from you narcisstic Supply help support
votes money or
sex they prepare the ground manipulate
you and then come out with a small favor
they need or ask you blatantly and
surreptitiously for narcissistic
Supply sentences such as what did you
think about my performance or do you
think that I really deserve the Nobel
Prize narcissists are knives are
friendly only when they feel threatened
and they want to neutral the threat the
threat by smothering it with oozing
pleasantries narcissists are nice and
friendly when they have been just when
they have just been infused with another
dose of narcisstic apply and they feel
magnanimous they magnificent and ideal
and perfect to show magnanimity is a way
of flaunting one impeccable Divine
credentials it is an act of
grandiosity it is an act of humiliating
giving you you are an irrelevant prop in
this spectacle a mere receptacle of the
narcissist overflowing self-contented of
infatuation with his false
self but all these all these beneficence
is
transient Perpetual victims often tend
to thank the narcissist for little
Graces and this this is the Stockholm
syndrome hostages tend to emotionally
identify with their captors rather than
with the police we are grateful to our
abusers and tormentors for seizing even
for a moment their hideous activities
and for allowing us to catch our breath
before the next blow
descends some people say that they
prefer to live with narcissis to cater
to their needs and to succumb to their
Wills because this is the way they had
been conditioned in early
childhood it is only with narcissist
that such people feel alive stimulated
and excited the world glows in technical
3D in the presence of a narcissist and
decays into cpia colors in the absence
of a
narcity I see nothing inherently wrong
with such an
approach the test is this if someone
were to constantly humiliate and abuse
you verbally using Arc
Chinese would you have felt humiliated
and abused probably
not you don't understand arcade Chinese
he can't get to you some people have
been conditioned by the narcissistic
primary objects in their lives parents
caregivers to treat narcissistic abuse
as if it were uttered in archaic Chinese
to turn a deaf
ear the technique this technique is
effective in that it allows the inverted
narcissists the codependent narcissist
the covert narcissist The Narcissist
willing made to experience Only the Good
aspects of living with the narcissist
and ignore the bad ones is the
narcissist sparkling intelligence the
constant drama and excitement the lack
of intimacy and emotional attachment
which Some people
prefer every now and then the narcissis
breaks into abuse in archaic Chinese so
what who understands AR Chinese anyway
says the inverted narcissist to
theel and she
survives even so I have one meing doubt
if the relationship with the narcissist
is so
rewarding why are inverted narcissists
so usually unhappy so ego
distonic and and comfortable with who
they are and what they do so in need of
help professionally or otherwise
aren't they victims who simply
experience the Stockholm syndrome
identifying with their kidnapper rather
than with the
police AR they victims who deny their
own
torment AR they victims who fail to make
the transition to
survivors don't fall into this trap move
on
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