Attachment can change: overcoming relational insecurity

Summary

In this video, Dr. Orion Terban explores the concept of attachment styles, originally researched by Mary Ainsworth, and challenges the belief that they are fixed. He emphasizes that attachment styles, though initially formed in infancy, can change with effort and maturity. Dr. Terban encourages individuals to view attachment as a spectrum and highlights the potential for growth, offering his own experience of moving from an avoidant style towards a more secure one. He stresses that while full security may not be achievable for everyone, making intentional efforts can improve relationships and lead to more satisfying connections.

Takeaways

• 😀 Attachment styles originated from Mary Ainsworth's research in the 1970s, where children were observed for how they reacted when their mothers left and returned.
• 😀 The four main attachment categories in Ainsworth's study were: secure, insecure ambivalent (resistant), and insecure avoidant. A later addition was disorganized attachment.
• 😀 Approximately 70% of children in Ainsworth's study were securely attached, while the remaining 30% were split between ambivalent and avoidant categories.
• 😀 Attachment styles are real, but they have often been misapplied or overgeneralized, particularly by suggesting they are rigid and unchangeable.
• 😀 Attachment style can change over time through intentional effort, personal growth, and maturity, contrary to the belief that it is fixed for life.
• 😀 Attachment styles should be considered as a spectrum, with secure attachment in the middle, and avoidant and ambivalent on the extremes.
• 😀 Individuals with insecure attachment styles can move towards more secure attachment, though they may not fully reach the 'secure' end of the spectrum.
• 😀 Secure attachment is associated with the best relationship outcomes, including enduring, uncomplicated relationships.
• 😀 People with different attachment styles (e.g., avoidant and ambivalent) may be drawn to each other initially but often struggle to maintain stable, long-term relationships due to their opposing needs.
• 😀 Changing attachment style, even if not fully secure, is beneficial for healthier relationships, and can be achieved through therapy, self-awareness, and exposure to discomfort in relationships.
• 😀 Similar to personality traits like introversion and extroversion, attachment style may not radically change but can be improved with effort, enabling individuals to navigate relationships more effectively.

Q & A

What is the origin of attachment styles?

Attachment styles originated from research by psychologist Mary Ainsworth in the 1970s. She conducted the 'strange situation' experiment, observing how infants reacted when their mothers left and returned to the room. This led to the identification of three attachment styles: secure, insecure ambivalent (resistant), and insecure avoidant. Later, a fourth style, disorganized, was identified.

What were the key findings from Mary Ainsworth's research on attachment?

Ainsworth found that 70% of infants were securely attached, showing distress when their mother left and relief when she returned. The remaining 30% were split between two insecure categories: ambivalent resistant (intense distress but difficult behavior upon reunion) and avoidant (indifference to the mother's departure and return).

Why is it important not to view attachment styles as fixed or destiny?

It’s important not to view attachment styles as fixed because they can change over time. Many factors, including personal growth, intentional effort, and therapy, can lead to changes in attachment styles. Attachment is not a rigid, unchangeable trait but rather a spectrum that individuals can move along with effort and maturity.

How can an individual's attachment style change over time?

An individual's attachment style can change through intentional effort, life experiences, and self-awareness. For example, someone who was once avoidantly attached can learn to tolerate emotions and become more securely attached, though they may never reach complete security.

What does Dr. Orion Terban suggest about the relationship between attachment styles and personal growth?

Dr. Orion Terban suggests that attachment styles can be modified over time with intentional work, much like personality traits such as introversion or extroversion. While change may require effort and won't always feel natural, it can significantly improve relationship outcomes and personal satisfaction.

Why does Dr. Terban believe that insecure attachment styles tend to pair with one another?

Dr. Terban suggests that people with insecure attachment styles are often drawn to one another because of complementary traits. For example, an avoidant may initially be attracted to the emotional intensity of an ambivalent person, but over time, these traits can become overwhelming, creating a cycle of attraction and repulsion.

What role does therapy play in changing attachment styles?

Therapy plays a crucial role in helping individuals become more aware of their attachment styles and providing tools for emotional growth and relationship management. It helps people learn healthier ways to interact, tolerate discomfort, and develop more secure attachments.

What analogy does Dr. Terban use to explain how attachment styles can change?

Dr. Terban compares attachment styles to the personality traits of introversion and extroversion. While these traits are often established early in life and may not drastically change, people can still learn skills to adapt to different social situations, much like how attachment behaviors can be adapted for healthier relationships.

What is the significance of 'secure attachment' in relationships according to Dr. Terban?

Secure attachment is associated with better relationship outcomes, as securely attached individuals tend to have more enduring, uncomplicated relationships. They also tend to connect best with other securely attached people, while mismatched attachment styles often lead to difficulties in maintaining relationships.

What does Dr. Terban suggest for individuals who are on the extreme ends of the attachment spectrum?

Dr. Terban suggests that people on the extreme ends of the attachment spectrum (e.g., highly avoidant or ambivalent) should work toward moving closer to the middle. This can be done through intentional efforts, like therapy and learning interpersonal skills, to help create more stable and satisfying relationships.