Finding Confidence in Conflict | Kwame Christian | TEDxDayton
Summary
TLDRThe speaker, a business lawyer and negotiation consultant, shares a humorous anecdote about a personal conflict over cereal to illustrate the importance of effective conflict management. He explains how the amygdala, a primitive part of the brain, can hijack rational thought during conflicts, leading to fight, flight, or freeze responses. Drawing from his own experiences of being a people pleaser, he emphasizes the need to move beyond these primal instincts towards 'compassionate curiosity'—a more evolved approach that involves genuine empathy and understanding. This approach, he argues, engages the prefrontal cortex, allowing for logical reasoning and better communication. The speaker shares a professional negotiation example where compassionate curiosity defused tension and led to a successful outcome. He admits that applying this in personal life is more challenging due to higher emotional stakes but stresses its importance for maintaining valuable relationships. The talk concludes with a call to embrace compassionate curiosity to counteract the growing animosity in society.
Takeaways
- 🍪 The importance of effective conflict management in personal and professional lives cannot be overstated.
- 🧠 The amygdala, part of the limbic system, responds quickly to perceived threats and can lead to irrational behavior if not managed.
- 🏃♂️ Fear responses such as fight, flight, or freeze are instinctual but can be detrimental in modern conflict resolution.
- 🌱 Growing up in a diverse environment and having a unique background can influence how one perceives and handles conflict.
- 🔄 Becoming a people pleaser can lead to avoiding conflict, which might not be beneficial in the long run for personal growth.
- 💡 The distinction between being liked and being respected is crucial for achieving personal and professional success.
- 🤔 Compelling curiosity is a more evolved approach to conflict resolution that involves empathy, understanding, and effective questioning.
- 🧘 Vulnerability is key in conflict management, as it requires suspending judgment and being open to the possibility of being wrong.
- 🧠 Using the prefrontal cortex for logical reasoning can help overcome the primitive responses of the amygdala during conflicts.
- 🤝 Conflict can be an opportunity to strengthen relationships or identify toxic ones, rather than just a challenge to be overcome.
- 🌟 Personal anecdotes and real-life examples can effectively illustrate the principles of conflict management and the power of compassionate curiosity.
Q & A
What is the main theme of the speaker's story about the conflict over cereal?
-The main theme is effective conflict management. The speaker uses a humorous anecdote about a cereal conflict with his wife to illustrate the importance of handling conflicts in a mature and understanding manner.
What does the speaker identify as the part of the brain responsible for quick responses to perceived threats?
-The amygdala, which is part of the limbic system, also known as the 'lizard brain,' is identified as the part responsible for quick, primal responses to perceived threats.
What is the term used to describe the phenomenon where someone says something in the heat of the moment that they immediately regret?
-This phenomenon is referred to as an 'amygdala hijack,' which can cause a person to act irrationally due to the emotional response triggered by the amygdala.
How did the speaker's upbringing in Tiffin, Ohio, and his Caribbean family background influence his approach to conflict?
-Growing up in a diverse environment and having a Caribbean accent made the speaker feel different, leading to a fear of not fitting in. This resulted in him becoming a people pleaser, avoiding conflict and tending to freeze or flee when faced with disagreements.
What advice did the speaker's mentor give him that changed his perspective on conflict?
-The mentor advised that there is a significant difference between being liked and being respected. To achieve personal and professional success, one must be willing to engage with conflict.
What is the term the speaker introduces as a more evolved response to conflict resolution?
-The speaker introduces the term 'compassionate curiosity' as a more evolved response to conflict resolution, which involves approaching conversations with empathy and a genuine desire to understand.
How does compassionate curiosity help in managing conflicts?
-Compassionate curiosity helps by fostering a genuine desire to understand the other party's perspective, which is coupled with empathy and respect. This approach encourages better, deeper questions and more effective listening.
What part of the brain does the speaker mention as being used when practicing compassionate curiosity?
-The prefrontal cortex, the most evolved part of the brain, is used when practicing compassionate curiosity. This is where logical reasoning is found.
How does the speaker describe the process of using compassionate curiosity in a real-life conflict situation?
-The speaker describes using compassionate curiosity by leading with compassion and focusing on addressing the other party's emotional needs. By asking open-ended questions and genuinely seeking to understand, the speaker was able to de-escalate a tense situation and reach a resolution.
What is the key takeaway from the story about the cereal conflict with the speaker's wife, Whitney?
-The key takeaway is the importance of communication and problem-solving in relationships. Instead of reacting impulsively, the speaker should have used compassionate curiosity to understand Whitney's perspective and work together to find a solution.
Why does the speaker emphasize the importance of standing up and addressing conflicts in relationships?
-The speaker emphasizes this because it is often the case that the other party may be unaware of the impact of their behavior. Addressing conflicts is a responsibility that can lead to positive change and a stronger relationship.
What is the final challenge the speaker issues to the audience regarding conflict?
-The final challenge is to use compassionate curiosity the next time one finds themselves in the midst of a conflict, with the goal of improving the relationship rather than resorting to petty or harmful behaviors.
Outlines
😀 Personal Conflict and the Amygdala
The speaker, a business lawyer and negotiation consultant, shares a humorous anecdote about a conflict with his wife over cereal, highlighting how conflicts can arise in both personal and professional settings. He explains the role of the amygdala, a part of the brain that reacts quickly to perceived threats and can lead to irrational behavior, known as an 'amygdala hijack.' The speaker reflects on his own experiences growing up in a diverse community with a Caribbean accent, which led to a fear of standing out and a tendency to avoid conflict by freezing or fleeing. He emphasizes the importance of being respected over being liked, and how this realization has influenced his approach to conflict.
🤔 Compassionate Curiosity as a Conflict Resolution Tool
The speaker introduces 'compassionate curiosity' as a more evolved method for resolving conflicts. This approach encourages a genuine desire to understand the other party's perspective, combined with empathy and respect. It involves asking open-ended questions and actively listening, which can be challenging due to the need for vulnerability. The speaker explains that compassionate curiosity helps to engage the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for logical reasoning, thus taming the 'lizard brain' reactions. He shares an example of how using compassionate curiosity in a heated contract negotiation led to a successful outcome. The speaker acknowledges that applying this approach in personal life can be harder when emotions run high, but stresses its importance for maintaining valuable relationships.
🗣️ The Importance of Communication in Relationships
The speaker discusses the importance of addressing conflicts directly to improve relationships and effect positive change. He points out that people often are unaware of the impact their actions have on others, making it crucial to communicate openly. The speaker calls for embracing compassionate curiosity as a way to counter the growing animosity in society. He concludes with a challenge to use compassionate curiosity in conflicts, rather than resorting to petty acts of retaliation, as a means to strengthen relationships and contribute to a more understanding and empathetic world.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Conflict Management
💡Amygdala Hijack
💡Fight/Flight/Freeze Response
💡Compassionate Curiosity
💡Prefrontal Cortex
💡Lizard Brain
💡Negotiation
💡Persuasion
💡Vulnerability
💡Cereal Example
💡Personal and Professional Success
Highlights
The speaker is a business lawyer and negotiation consultant with a focus on effective conflict management.
A personal anecdote about a conflict over cereal is used to illustrate the importance of conflict management.
The amygdala, part of the limbic system, is identified as the brain's quick responder to perceived threats.
Modern society's challenges are attributed to the lag in human brain evolution, leading to struggles in difficult conversations.
The concept of 'amygdala hijack' is introduced, explaining how fear can quickly shift us from rational to irrational behavior.
Three fear responses are identified: fight, flight, and freeze.
The speaker's personal background of growing up in a diverse community and having a Caribbean accent shaped his approach to conflict.
The speaker became a 'people pleaser' to gain acceptance, which led to difficulties in standing up for himself in conflicts.
A mentor's advice on the difference between being liked and being respected was a turning point for the speaker.
Conflict is presented as an opportunity to repair, strengthen, or remove relationships.
The speaker introduces 'compassionate curiosity' as an evolved response to conflict resolution.
Compassionate curiosity involves genuine desire to understand, empathy, and respect.
Using compassionate curiosity engages the prefrontal cortex, promoting logical reasoning over primal responses.
The speaker shares an example of using compassionate curiosity in a heated contract negotiation, leading to a successful outcome.
Effective conflict management is emphasized as critical in both professional and personal settings.
The importance of addressing the conflict before moving on to the agenda in a negotiation is highlighted.
The speaker admits to finding it more challenging to apply compassionate curiosity in personal life due to higher stakes.
The cereal anecdote is revisited with a demonstration of how compassionate curiosity could have been applied.
The speaker emphasizes the importance of communication in relationships, using the cereal example to illustrate a lack of awareness of the other person's feelings.
Compassionate curiosity is positioned as a tool to counter animosity and improve communication in society.
The challenge is issued to use compassionate curiosity in conflicts to seek improvement in relationships.
Transcripts
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
I'm a business lawyer and a negotiation
consultant so my professional life
centers on effective conflict management
and today I'm going to tell you the
story of one of my most serious
conflicts in order for you to wrap your
head around the gravity of this
situation there's something important
you need to know about me I love
cinnamon toast crunch so earlier this
year after a long day at work all I
wanted to do was relax at home with a
bowl of my favorite cereal so imagine
how I felt when I got home and I saw my
lovely wife Whitney sitting on the couch
finishing the last bowl of my cereal and
she did not even have the decency to use
milk so without thinking I marched into
the kitchen I took her granola and I ate
all of it and and I don't even like
granola this is an example of how not to
handle conflict so obviously we're
having a little bit of fun with that
example but the reality is that conflict
can be the most challenging part of our
personal and professional lives whether
it's a business negotiation or a heated
political argument these conversations
are intimidating and infuriating but why
this is your amygdala the amygdala is a
temperamental part of the brain that is
quick to respond to perceived threats
it's part of the limbic system which is
one of the most primitive brain
structures and is also known as the
lizard brain these quick primal
responses were critical for survival way
back in the day when we were living in
caves and death lurked around every
corner but the problem is that society
evolved faster than our brains and as a
result today we struggle in difficult
conversations because we're fighting
modern-day battles with prehistoric
tools
have you ever said something in the heat
of the moment that you immediately knew
was a mistake
this is called an amygdala hijack and it
can take you from rational to irrational
in the blink of an eye these responses
are rooted in fear and we only have
three fear responses fight/flight and
the often overlooked freeze response
which is also known as the
deer-in-headlights
response and your preferred fear
response is most likely going to be a
product of your lived experience I grew
up in Tiffin Ohio and the thing that I
really appreciated about Tiffin was its
diversity
on top of that my family's from the
Caribbean so I had a strong Caribbean
accent when I was growing up so not only
did I look different
I also sounded different and not
surprisingly this combination made a
real tough for the young Y to fit in so
because of this I became obsessed with
finding ways to gain the acceptance of
my peers and eventually I became one of
the most popular kids in school but this
came with a price
I became deathly afraid of singing or
doing something that could potentially
jeopardize the relationships that I
worked so hard to create I became a
people pleaser and this made it less
likely for me to stand up for myself in
difficult conversations in other words I
would freeze or flee in the face of
conflict this led me to agree when I
actually disagree and avoid
confrontation at all cost
but all this changed when I met my
mentor and he told me something that I
will never forget he said plumbing there
is a big difference between being liked
and being respected and if you want to
have personal and professional success
you need to be willing to engage with
conflict so after that meeting I forced
myself to have the difficult
conversations that I spent my whole life
trying to avoid
and as I built this new habit I
discovered something life-changing
conflict is an opportunity conflict
provides you with the unique opportunity
to either repair and strengthen valuable
relationships or identify and remove
malignant relationships with minimal
damage so how do we actually engage with
the conflict at hand you remember fight
flight or freeze I suggest that we use a
more evolved response to conflict
resolution something that I like to call
compassionate curiosity
now the distinction between curiosity
and compassionate curiosity is more than
just semantics for example you can start
a conversation off like this what the
hell is your problem
curious yes compassionate know or you
could start a conversation like this how
do you feel about this situation
compassionate curiosity fosters a
genuine desire to understand that is
tempered with empathy and respect
approaching conversations in this way
naturally causes you to ask better
deeper and more penetrating questions
and listen more effectively what makes
this so hard is the fact that we need to
be vulnerable we need to be willing to
suspend judgment and open ourselves up
to the scary possibilities of either
being wrong or potentially losing a
relationship compassionate curiosity is
the key to taming the lizard brain
slowing down and asking these high-level
questions forces you to use the most
evolved part of your brain called the
prefrontal cortex this is where you find
a logical reasoning
whenever you get lost confused or scared
in these conversations compassionate
curiosity will be your North Star you
can look to it for guidance when you
don't know what to say you can lean on
it for support in your most difficult
conversations and as you start to build
this new habit you'll realize that it
actually takes pressure off of you
because your goal is to learn not to
teach here's an example earlier this
year I found myself in a heated contract
negotiation the guy on the other side
was furious I could actually hear his
voice quivering with rage with every
word he said and then I felt the sudden
rush of emotion from my amygdala and it
told me that I could either run away
fight back or just sit there and take it
but instead of falling victim to these
primal impulses I chose to use
compassionate curiosity I led with
compassion and focused on addressing his
acute emotional needs I said listen I
can tell you're upset what are your
biggest concerns what can we do to help
you and as he started to answer these
questions he slowly began to calm
and by the end of the conversation we
were laughing and joking with each other
and he gave me everything that I needed
effective conflict management is a
critical element of negotiation and
persuasion this deal would have been
impossible if I didn't take the time to
suspend my agenda and address the
conflict on the front end of the
conversation and you don't need to be a
professional negotiator to do this it
works in your personal life as well but
I will be honest with you I am a lot
better at doing this in my professional
life then I have in my personal life and
this is because as the relationships get
closer the stakes get higher there's
more to lose but you have to remember we
don't use compassionate curiosity
because it's easy we use it because the
relationship is worth it speaking of
relationships let's get back to Whitney
and cereal gates
what does compassionate curiosity look
like in this situation well instead of
suffering through an ungodly amount of
granola to make an ineffective point
what I should have done was first lead
with compassion and second invited her
to problem-solve with me through the use
of open-ended questions now this is
where it gets really interesting because
I actually tried this with Whitney a few
weeks later and I learned something
fascinating so when I brought this up to
her she looked at me with a genuine
confusion and said Kwame do I really do
that and I was shocked and this was
shocking to me for two reasons reason
number one was because at this point
we'd been married for seven years and I
could not believe that she didn't know
how much of an issue this was to me
reason number two was because as we were
having this serious conversation she was
literally finishing off another box of
my cereal right in front of me this just
goes to show that a lot of times the
other side is blissfully unaware of the
impact that their behavior has on us and
this is precisely why it is our
responsibility to stand up and say
something if we really care about the
relationship and we really care about
making positive change we're living at a
time now where it seems as though we
forgotten how to talk to each other
embracing and sharing this message of
compassionate curiosity maybe the best
thing that we can do to counter the
animosity that we're seeing in the world
today so I'll leave you with this it's a
challenge the next time you find
yourself in the midst of a conflict
remember you have two choices you can
either use compassionate curiosity and
actually seek to improve the
relationship or you can follow them home
sneak into their kitchen and eat all of
their bunola
[Applause]
[Music]
you
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