Why Pepe Herrera Left The Country and Quit Showbiz For A While | Toni Talks

Summary

Pepe Herrera candidly shares his journey to stardom, including landing his big break in the musical 'Rak of Aegis.' He then rapidly rose to fame, taking on multiple acting projects, but this took a toll, triggering severe burnout and mental health issues. He recounts his struggles with depression, rage, and suicidal thoughts during travels abroad. Upon returning home, Pepe committed to therapy and healing. He emphasizes the importance of acknowledging one's trauma and emotions. Pepe also touches on using mindfulness practices for grounding, the profound power of forgiveness, and aiming to break destructive cycles to create healthy spaces for the next generation.

Takeaways

• 😊 Pepe's childhood dream was to become a performing artist
• 😖 He experienced burnout and rage from overwork
• 😢 He went through depression, rage episodes and suicidal thoughts
• 🤔 He realized he needed professional help and healing
• 💡 He learned about the links between childhood trauma, anger and depression
• 👪 Becoming a father motivated him to heal himself
• 🙏 He reconciled with his parents and forgave them
• 🔁 He continues therapy and practices gratitude to stay grounded
• 😌 Apologizing to his daughter helps break cycles of trauma
• 💞 Conversations about spirituality and inner child brought insight

Q & A

What was Pepe's first trigger that made him realize something was wrong?

Pepe had a trigger while driving on EDSA when he got pulled over by a traffic enforcer. He snapped at his handler who was trying to diffuse the situation, yelling at her until she was crying and trembling. This loss of control was a wake-up call.

How did Pepe get his big break in show business?

Pepe got his big break playing the role of Tolits in the musical Rak of Aegis. He caught the attention of director Charo Santos-Concio when he whistled the theme song to her show Maalaala Mo Kaya during a performance.

What happened that made Pepe decide to leave show business in 2017?

Pepe experienced severe burnout and mental health issues like rage, depression, and suicidal thoughts. A traumatic episode on a cable car in Switzerland was the final trigger that made him realize he needed professional help and to take a break from work.

How does Pepe say his daughter Payapa helps in his healing process?

Payapa senses when Pepe is triggered or upset. Her hugs and affection help calm and heal his inner child. Pepe also uses Payapa's childhood innocence to practice patience and improve how he handles his anger.

What revelation did Pepe have about the cause of his depression?

Pepe learned that depression can mean a 'deep rest' that the mind and body need from constant work and distractions. It can also come from suppressed anger that was not expressed.

How did Pepe's parents help in his healing journey?

Pepe's parents acknowledged the trauma he experienced growing up and apologized for their mistakes. These honest conversations helped release a lot of built-up pain and resentment.

What daily practice did Celeste teach Pepe that he still does?

Looking in the mirror, telling yourself "I'm proud of you", and setting a self-care commitment for the day. This helps Pepe embrace and heal his inner child.

How does Pepe describe being an ENFP personality type?

As an ENFP, Pepe is energized by spending time with people but also needs alone time to recharge. He is one of the most introverted extroverts who needs a balance of social stimulation and solitude.

What meditation practice helps Pepe focus on gratitude?

Using gratitude beads with 108 beads, and thanking God, Mother Earth and the Universe for each thing he is grateful for.

How did Pepe's stint working on a cruise ship influence his career?

Seeing the show team perform each night made Pepe realize he wanted to pursue performing full-time. It cemented his childhood dream.

Outlines

00:00

😄 Discovery of Pepe and His Journey to Stardom

This paragraph discusses how Pepe was discovered while performing in the musical Rak of Aegis in 2014, which led to roles in movies with Vice Ganda and Coco Martin recruiting him for Ang Probinsyano in 2015. It launched his career, bringing fame, fortune and big opportunities over the next few years.

05:03

😥 Pepe's Battle with Burnout and Mental Health Issues

This paragraph talks about how Pepe quit showbiz at the peak of his career in 2017 due to burnout and mental health issues. He shares his journey dealing with a manic disorder, rage issues, suicidal thoughts during travels to different countries over the next year.

10:06

😌 Finding Himself and Prioritizing Healing

This paragraph discusses Pepe's realization that he had been pleasing others at the expense of himself. His healing journey led him to discover his introverted side through therapy and support groups. He is grateful for the process of finding himself again.

15:08

😇 Becoming the Best Version of Himself for His Daughter

This last paragraph shares how Pepe is motivated to heal and be the best version of himself for his young daughter. He is learning not to pass down trauma and to apologize when he makes mistakes as a father, helped by the wisdom his daughter seems to innately have.

Keywords

💡burnout

Burnout refers to extreme exhaustion, lack of interest, and reduced performance due to prolonged stress or frustration. Pepe experienced burnout after becoming famous very quickly, taking on multiple projects, and having little time to rest. This led him to have erratic behavior, rage, and eventually quit showbusiness to travel and seek help.

💡healing

Healing refers to the process of recovering from trauma, mental illness, or emotional pain. A major theme of the video is Pepe's healing journey to treat his depression, anxiety, and childhood trauma through therapy, medication, travel, and self-reflection.

💡triggers

Triggers refer to things that suddenly cause an intense emotional reaction or relapse into illness based on someone's past trauma. Pepe discusses triggers like losing control and childhood traumas that would suddenly make him rage or have panic attacks.

💡apology

Apology refers to expressing regret for mistakes or harm caused. Pepe emphasizes the importance of parents apologizing to their children to heal past wounds, as he did with his own parents.

💡forgiveness

Forgiveness refers to ceasing to feel resentment against someone for an offense. Pepe notes forgiveness is important in healing along with apology, so anger does not linger.

💡inner child

Inner child refers to one's childhood self that lives psychologically within us. Pepe discusses healing his inner child through self-talk, and not passing down trauma to his daughter.

💡gratitude

Gratitude refers to appreciation for what one has. Pepe practices gratitude exercises to stay grounded.

💡self-care

Self-care refers to activities to care for one's mental and physical health. Pepe realized the need for self-care like rest to avoid burnout.

💡self-love

Self-love refers to caring for and accepting oneself. Pepe practices self-love through mirror affirmations and self-talk.

💡support

Support refers to assistance and encouragement from others. Pepe received support from his parents, daughter, and peers during his healing.

Highlights

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Transcripts

We're both wearing kimono.

We have the same outfit.

With floral design.

Yes.

Congrats.

Thank you.

We never did this before, right?

This is the first time.

But it has always been my dream to be here on Toni Talks.

Because we just talk on the sidelines before.

Yes.

I said, "Oh, this is what you went through, Pepe. I didn't know."

It was nice to see you.

You were discovered in 2014, right?

Yes.

- In "Rak of Aegis" - I just finished

doing "Starting Over Again"

The next movie I did was "You're My Boss"

That's where we worked together.

In 2015.

In Batanes.

Yes.

But before we were in Batanes,

remember I asked for a picture with you at the airport?

Yes, I asked for a picture with you.

But I also asked you and I sent it to Paul.

Ahh. Yes.

I told him,

"Paul, it's Tolits. Our favorite from 'Rak of Aegis' "

That's where I first saw you.

Yes.

But it was because of 'Rak of Aegis' that you got discovered, right?

Yeap.

It's my springboard to showbusiness.

And it was Ma'am Charo who found you, right?

Yeah.

- How? - She was sitting in the middle.

There was a part in 'Rak of Aegis' where I had to whistle.

My character acted bravely, smashing obstacles to my love's dream, Ailene.

So, I was whistling.

I can change the tune every show.

That time-

When you saw Ma'am Charo.

I whistled

- "Maalaala Mo Kaya" - So, everyone was laughing?

Yes and I saw her on my peripheral, Ma'am Charo was.

Yes.

And then the following day on rehearsals

I got a call from her secretary asking me to come to ABS-CBN.

What was the feeling?

Happy, of course.

Because it was my dream to be a performing artist in all platforms.

Because being a performer was your childhood dream, right?

It was in college when I realized I wanted to become a perfoming artist.

But my major was Music Education.

Then I liked teaching.

I was like, "I can just do performing on the side."

But when I graduated, I became a bum.

Then I received an offer to work on a ship.

Because-

You worked on a ship.

Yes, that was my first job before becoming a music teacher.

- For how many years? - Although-

10 months.

I was there as a waiter.

Oh not a singing-

It was just my side job.

On the ship?

They were looking for a waiter who can sing classical songs.

So, they looked for a classical singer and trained to become a waiter.

So, while waiting tables, you were also singing on the side?

Yes, every night.

It's a blessing because being a waiter on a ship

I gained friends called "Show Team"

They were the ones performing musical excerpts every night.

- On the ship? - Yes.

They became your friends.

So, when I watch them every night,

that's when I realized "That's what I wanted to do."

For life.

How did you land the role in "Rak of Aegis"?

They had an audition for "Rak of Aegis"

Then I auditioned and they liked me.

The rest is history.

I was part of the first run until the last.

And a lot of us were given a break because of that.

Then I was at PETA, for the third run of "Rak of Aegis"

Someone called me,

"Pe."

"Oh, who's this?"

"It's Coco."

"Coco who?"

I know a lot of Coco.

"Coco Martin."

He was inviting me to be a part of "Ang Probinsyano"

But doing a series is different.

Yes.

Did you have a hard time adjusting?

I did.

It will take your life.

Yes.

That will be your life for a while because it's an everyday show.

Yes, it was everyday and there are no cut offs back then.

Pre-pandemic was-

- Until you've shot everything. - Nonstop.

Yes.

Until you've shot everything.

Especially when you have shoot "for airing".

Yes.

Shoot to air.

Shoot to air, yes.

What happened with you was, you got in "Ang Probinsyano" in 2015

Yes.

And you enjoyed it, right?

Yes.

I can say yes because I learned a lot from that.

Your world become bigger.

You had a lot of friends.

A lot of happenings.

Fame.

- Fortune. - Fame.

Everything.

A lot of events.

It's like, "I've reached the peak."

At one point.

I was getting there so quickly.

I'm doing movies, TV and theater all at the same time.

You are living your dream.

To perform.

Yes.

2015, 2016, 2017.

It only took three years for you to quit everything.

Yeah.

You quit and went to New Zealand, right?

- In 2017? - New Zealand,

Hong Kong and then finally, Switzerland.

It was a journey.

It was almost a year of journey.

Different countries, different provinces.

You left because?

To simply put it, because of burnout.

I've reached the point where-

I didn't know that time that it was a manic disorder already.

I felt invincible and I felt I can do everything.

One moment, I was making everyone laugh

then I'll stop and get angry the next.

You get angry easily?

Yes, so quickly.

To the point where my loved ones are scared of me.

It was already rage, it's not anger anymore.

I was screaming at the top of my lungs.

I was like a volcano.

Sometimes, I destroy stuff.

I'll punch the wall or my car.

There was an incident with my former handler.

This was in a span of few minutes.

I was making her laugh.

Then I got triggered along EDSA.

We got pulled over by a traffic enforcer.

She was trying to save the situation because she was my handler.

Then I snapped only because I wanted to be in control.

I guess one of my triggers is losing control which happened that time.

So, I got mad at her, I yelled until she was already crying.

She was trembling.

I guess that's one of my wake-up calls.

Of course you don't want to do that to your loved ones, right?

Even Coco and "Ang Probinsyano" cast noticed it.

They were wondering, "What happened to Pepe?"

Then I became erratic.

Sometimes, I will not go to the set.

I will decide to go to the hospital.

Because I was sensing that something was going on.

So, one doctor said which I really liked,

"If you abuse your physical body

the next would be your brain."

"Because your brain is part of your body."

Mental and physical, they go hand in hand.

That's when I started to realize, "I've been abusing my body."

I wasn't taking it seriously for quite sometime now.

Because in our industry,

rest wasn't a-

Not a priority.

Yes, right.

I tried going with the trend but my body was becoming very vulnerable.

Is is true that you said, "Open my chest, check my heart."

That happened last year.

It's another episode.

I was rushed to the hospital.

It was my first time to experience-

- I felt like I was drowning. - Panic, anxiety?

That's how panic attack feels like.

I thought I was having a heart attack.

I feel numb here.

I feel heavy on my chest.

That's when I said at the hospital,

"Check everything."

"If you need to do an operation on me, open my chest."

"Do it."

"I want to survive."

The fear of losing life.

Because losing breath is losing life, right?

It has triggers.

That's one of the things I've realized.

I had a lot of childhood traumas.

That when you have a trigger-

- It comes out. - it comes out.

So, I witnessed a car accident infront of me.

It triggered a childhood trauma from when I got into an accident and bumped my head.

So, I can't fall asleep.

Until one night, I had a panic attack while lying down.

I knocked on Director Richard Arellano's door.

I was thankful that he was the one to rushed me to the hospital.

He was just praying over me the whole time going to the hospital.

Until we reached the hospital, he was just praying over me.

It helped me a lot.

Then they did all sorts of tests on me.

ECG, blood test, blood chem.

And when the doctor returned to me to confirm that everything is okay.

Everything was normal.

So, it's a confirmed panic attack.

I cried and trembled uncontrollably.

That was the release.

The suppressed trauma.

Then after that, I felt okay.

So, you needed to let it out.

Yes.

So, that's it.

Okay, I acknowledge that I'm still on a healing process.

I just have to accept it and embrace it.

Until finally it runs out.

All the constipation inside of me.

Because we've been carrying it since we were kids.

It's not gonna go away in one snap.

Healing is life-long journey.

Yes.

That was our conversation before.

Because I remember that was the book that connected me and Maxene 2 years ago.

Maxene, a fellow vegan.

The Untethered Soul.

- Ah, okay. - I remember back then,

I pray for the people I talk to.

I said, "Who will I talk to?"

And then Maxene's name popped in my head.

And when I called her for a conversation,

we were reading the same book at the same time.

Oh, The Untethered Soul?

The Untethered Soul.

Wow.

So, we were finishing each other's sentences.

Because she was at the chapter of-

My most favorite part was "Who am I?"

That chapter.

Who am I?

Because you can get lost in our industry.

Who I really am?

Because you play a lot of roles.

Different characters.

And the roles you have to play infront of your colleagues.

Your bosses.

Your co-workers.

Your audience.

You will please everyone in the expense of not pleasing yourself.

That's why you feel empty.

Because you pleased everyone but yourself.

Actually, I was also grateful for this process of healing because

I discovered a lot about myself.

I can also be an introvert.

I am not just the Pepe who always wants to make others laugh.

There are times that I want to be alone.

Stay quiet.

Just read a book.

Just imagine.

I am an ENFP (Extroverted, Intuitive, Feeling and Perceiving).

We are the most introverted of all the extroverts.

We get energized by this.

Conversing, spending time with people.

But we also get energized by being alone.

It's like 50-50.

It has to be balanced.

When we feel like, okay, I'm easily mad or triggered, or I get depleted,

I need to step back.

Recharge.

Yes.

Sometimes, I am not aware that people see me that way.

"You're not a comedian at your core."

"You're quiet in person."

"You're a reserved person."

Remember in My Sassy Girl?

You were quiet.

We were quiet back then.

And what I noticed about you is that you're a good listener.

Because whenever you leave, I was thinking, "I talked more than Pepe did."

But I enjoyed it.

I enjoyed our conversations.

There are times you let me talk too.

And those conversations made an impact on me.

About life and spirituality.

When did you start in therapy?

My trigger that time was when I was in Switzerland.

I'm inside a cable car, that was the first time I experienced suicidal tendencies.

I was so deep in depression

I felt like I was a prisoner inside my body.

To think that Switzerland is so beautiful.

Yes.

One of the most beautiful places in the whole world.

New Zealand and Switzerland.

I always say that this is where God lives.

He made this place perfectly.

This is where He lives.

It's like, this is the rest house of my parents and then there's the alps.

That's how near I was.

Alps is so beautiful. You did not appreciate it?

That was the frustrating part.

I cannot enjoy it.

My mind was covered with darkness.

With gloom.

So the zest for life was gone.

It's like my mind couldn't take it anymore.

I was in the cable car, there's a thought that entered my mind.

"What if I jump here?"

Then there's another side of me saw that that's alarming already.

I told my mother that, "I think I need to go home."

To cut short my vacation and go back home to seek therapy.

To seek professional help.

So, this is where you'll see that it's not how beautiful the place is.

It's not.

It's not how beautiful your house is.

It's not how beautiful your car is.

- It's not how beautiful your life status is. - It's not.

If you have a problem here.

All you see-

It's all in the mind.

- Darkness. - Yes.

Because Switzerland is-

When we went there, was one of the most beautiful places.

You will not think how you can be depressed when you are there.

But you did not appreciate it. Imagine that.

It means that your mind was covered with darkness.

Yes, that's how depleted it was.

So, I came home and did therapy.

I ended up taking anti-depressants.

And it didn't work.

It made things worse for me.

I felt like a zombie.

I had no emotions. Everything was gone.

The things that makes you human were gone.

And there are side effects on the joints that are not good.

So, I became more desperate for healing.

Until my mother and I found out about Thailand.

The New Life Foundation.

- I have a tattoo here. - Why did you get that tattoo?

It's my autobiography.

My life journey.

That time, when I was desparately seeking for treatment

the reason why my condition worsened was because I keep brushing it off.

"I don't want this."

I want to heal now.

And because I went to Thailand,

the more that I accept that I'm in this condition,

I will heal faster.

Because it just wants me to take a rest.

My takeaway in one of the support group sessions where one of the speakers said,

"Depressed may also mean deep rest."

Deep rest from?

From all distractions, temptations, and too much work.

It's like the survival mode of the body.

"Let's shut off first, because if we don't, you'll die."

I also read that, "Depression is also a suppressed anger."

That's beautiful.

All the anger you did not express is the reason you are depressed.

But what you said is also beautiful.

Another form of depression is they need deep rest.

This generation we have today is already aware of our childhood trauma.

We are aware of our inner child.

That you have to heal the inner child in you.

So you will not pass it down.

It's also important that you are aware of your triggers and what is happening to you.

Because you now have a child.

And you don't want your child to heal from having you as a father.

She's actually my teacher, Payapa.

There are times that I get triggered if there are things she does and I am already tired.

She was just being a child, naughty, will spill something, will yell, then-

You wanted to yell, right?

Yes and you will take a deep breath.

She will sense that I am upset.

"Daddy, don't get mad at me."

They are sensitive.

So much.

You will see the tension on their faces.

Yes.

They feel it. They absorb it.

I feel like they transform it.

There are times when I feel vulnerable, she will come to me and hug me.

Like that.

She's like healing your inner child.

In a way.

That's a possibility that they were sent here to help you in a lot of ways.

Yes.

Actually, it's not just my child, but when it comes to kids.

You want to do your best so that they have this space

to be the best versions of themselves for the world.

To be of great service to this world.

And they are learning how to be a human by watching you.

Yes.

That's my main motivation to heal

and to go back to myself.

My best version.

For them.

I am in the process of learning techniques on how to teach your child good manners

but at the same time you're not passing down your trauma to them.

So they will not suppress their emotions.

And they don't feel shame.

So, one of the things I do whenever I make mistakes

sometimes when I get frustrated

- because of what they do- - You snap.

I snap.

I say sorry when I've calmed down.

It's very nourishing for me and for her.

"I'm sorry, don't get mad at Paypay already."

"Yes, I'm sorry because Daddy got frustrated."

It's nice that you apologize to your child.

Yes.

Because our parents were not like that growing up.

They don't say sorry to us.

Yes, but now, my mom and dad-

- They say sorry to you? - Yes.

We talk about the past and we cry together.

When I was in Switzerland, my mother and I had that moment.

When I was hospitalized, my father and I had that moment.

"What's happening with you, son,

was because of what you experienced with us growing up

All our fights before. I'm sorry, son."

Then we hugged each other and cried.

It felt nice.

It's like whoa!

It's like you've been constipated for a long time.

and you don't know-

You let it out.

Yes and you don't know why you're not feeling well.

It was because of that.

You carried the pain.

Yes.

You carried that from childhood.

All you need to hear is acknowledgement and apology.

It's so powerful.

And forgiveness.

- Forgiveness. - Because someone can apologize

but if you don't forgive them, the anger will remain.

And now, for me,

there are different versions of apology.

Sometimes, it's not by saying, "I'm sorry."

Sometimes, they will make it up to you.

They will listen to you.

They will hug you.

They will give you something.

That's how they can apologize.

This is the kind of conversation I like.

This is how we talk to each other even before, right?

In My Sassy Girl.

Yes.

You also made me cry a few times because of spiritual things.

Yes, and the one thing that made an impact on me, which I still do,

and I did earlier before I came out,

is when you look at yourself in the mirror and you talk to yourself

and you say, "I'm proud of you. I forgive you.

And today, I commit to-"

My commitment today was gentle presence.

Oh my gosh, you are still doing that?

Yes.

That was in 2020.

- That's my grounding. - When you look in the mirror.

It's like embracing your insecurities.

"It's okay, you just have to get through it."

You know who you are embracing when you do that?

- The inner child in you. - Yeah.

The young Pepe inside of you who still lives there.

You should always picture him sitting like this and looking at you.

And you embrace that little child in you.

He has been through so much.

Like the little Celestine who still lives inside of me who's been through so much.

She has witnessed a lot.

The little Pepe inside of you is still there.

Even if we are now parents,

there is still an inner child in you

who will never forget all the things he's been through since birth.

This is also one of the things I do.

This one is Santosha beads.

This is a gratefulness beads.

I mention one thing that I am grateful for per bead.

It has 108 beads so you express 108 things you are grateful for.

And I end with "I'm grateful for Dear God, Dear Mother Earth and Dear Universe."