Stop Using Coercion, It Doesn't Work

Summary

This lesson, presented by Tom Dozier, explains why using coercion with children is ineffective in fostering lasting positive behavior. Coercion—attempting to force compliance—may lead to short-term obedience but causes long-term harm, distancing children from parents and encouraging risky behaviors. Dozier highlights common coercive methods, such as questioning, criticism, threats, and nagging, and explains how they damage relationships. Instead, he advocates for building positive behaviors through nurturing connections and effective teaching, emphasizing that a close parent-child relationship is crucial for long-term influence and better behavior.

Takeaways

• 😀 Coercion doesn't work: Forcing children to behave a certain way leads to short-term compliance but long-term negative consequences.
• 🙁 Coercion encourages avoidance: Children will avoid, escape, or resist coercion, which damages the parent-child relationship.
• 🤨 Questioning inappropriate behavior can encourage lying: Asking a child to explain bad behavior can lead to defensiveness, dishonesty, and further resistance.
• 😠 Criticism reduces motivation: Finding fault in children's behavior lowers their overall performance and increases frustration.
• 😒 Sarcasm and teasing harm relationships: Sarcasm is another form of criticism that irritates children and weakens the parent-child bond.
• 😲 Threats of extreme punishment backfire: Threatening unrealistic punishments either causes children to see through them or damages trust when enforced.
• 🤯 Arguing with children is counterproductive: Arguing only deepens resistance and reinforces negative beliefs the child holds about themselves or the situation.
• 🛑 Forceful methods like yelling or hitting are harmful: Using physical or verbal force encourages rebellion, especially as children grow older.
• 🤐 Keep emotion out of your voice: To maintain effective communication, speak softly, use fewer words, and avoid emotional outbursts when addressing behavior.
• 🙂 Build positive behavior: Focus on teaching and encouraging good behavior rather than punishing undesirable actions to foster a healthy and happy family dynamic.

Q & A

What is coercion in the context of parenting, according to the video?

Coercion is the attempt to force a child to act or choose in a certain way, denying them the freedom to make their own choices. It typically involves trying to control or manipulate a child's behavior using threats, punishment, or force.

Why does coercion not produce long-term positive results?

Coercion may result in short-term compliance, but it leads to long-term negative consequences. Children who are coerced often try to escape, avoid, or resist parental influence, which can lead them to unhealthy behaviors like substance abuse or negative peer influences.

What are some common effects of coercion on children?

The common effects of coercion on children include escape (doing whatever it takes to stop the pressure), avoidance (staying away from the parent), counter-coercion (fighting back), and seeking revenge. These actions damage the parent-child relationship over time.

How does coercion typically enter the parent-child relationship?

Coercion typically enters the parent-child relationship when children start developing language skills around 14 months old and begin to express defiance, such as saying 'no.' Parents may respond by using coercion to force compliance, believing it's necessary to get things done.

What are some long-term risks associated with using coercion on children?

Long-term risks of using coercion include children escaping into risky behaviors such as substance abuse, school failure, associating with negative peer influences, and developing issues like low self-esteem, self-destruction, and even self-denigration.

Why should parents avoid asking children to explain their misbehavior?

Asking children to explain their misbehavior encourages them to lie, evade responsibility, or become defensive. It can also give undue attention to inappropriate behavior and undermine the parent's authority.

Why is criticism considered a form of coercion, and what impact can it have on children?

Criticism is a form of coercion because it involves finding fault with a child's behavior, which can demotivate them and lead to feelings of inadequacy. Over time, constant criticism can reduce a child's willingness to try or cooperate and harm their self-esteem.

What is verbal polarizing, and how does it occur during arguments with children?

Verbal polarizing occurs when both the parent and child reinforce their opposing positions during an argument, making each side more entrenched in their viewpoint. This makes resolving the conflict harder and can increase distance between the parent and child.

Why do threats and force not work well in the long term with children?

While threats and force may lead to immediate compliance, they create fear and resentment in the long term. Children may either see through the threat or react negatively by avoiding the parent or pushing back even harder, damaging the relationship.

What is the recommended alternative to coercion in parenting?

The most effective alternative to coercion is teaching and building desirable behaviors in children rather than punishing undesirable ones. Positive reinforcement, clear expectations, and maintaining a close, supportive relationship with the child are key strategies for long-term positive behavior change.