Avoidants Secretly Hope You Do THIS When They Stonewall

Summary

This video delves into the concept of stonewalling, a behavior often seen in individuals with avoidant attachment styles. It explains how avoidants use stonewalling as a defense mechanism when they feel their independence is threatened, rooted in childhood experiences of emotional neglect. The video explores the triggers that lead to stonewalling and emphasizes the importance of patience, empathy, and gradual change in fostering communication. By understanding and responding to avoidants' hidden desires and fears, a secure attachment can eventually replace the insecure one, leading to healthier relationships.

Takeaways

• 🧱 Avoidants use stonewalling as a defense mechanism when they feel overwhelmed or their independence is threatened.
• 🚪 Avoidants hold secret hopes that their partners will open certain 'doors' to address their core wounds.
• ⚡ The threshold for triggering stonewalling varies among avoidants, depending on how aggressive a partner is in pursuing commitment.
• 🌊 Avoidants often grew up in environments where they had to rely on themselves, resulting in the self-soothing behavior of stonewalling.
• 💔 Stonewalling is not about a lack of desire for commitment—avoidants actually do want connection but fear it due to their core wound.
• 🐸 The boiling frog metaphor illustrates that avoidants are more likely to respond negatively to sudden changes rather than gradual shifts.
• 📚 Avoidants are often drawn to anxious partners, creating a destructive push-pull dynamic, as seen in 'Wuthering Heights.'
• 🔄 Attachment styles are fluid and can change over time with different relationships, personal growth, and secure interactions.
• 🧠 Secure responses involve giving avoidants space when they pull back, rather than attempting to solve the issue immediately.
• 🎯 Tactical empathy, understanding and vocalizing an avoidant's fears, is key to breaking down their emotional barriers and opening communication.

Q & A

What is stonewalling, according to the script?

Stonewalling is when someone withdraws from an interaction, shuts down, and closes themselves off because they feel overwhelmed or physiologically flooded.

What triggers stonewalling in avoidant individuals?

Stonewalling is typically triggered when avoidant individuals feel their independence is being threatened, such as when they are asked to commit to deeper levels of a relationship (e.g., going on a date, marriage, or having children).

How does the 'core wound' concept explain avoidant behavior?

The core wound of avoidants is a deep-seated desire to maintain their independence. When they feel this independence is threatened, they respond with stonewalling as a defense mechanism.

What is the significance of early childhood in the development of avoidant attachment?

Avoidant attachment often develops from early childhood experiences where the caregiver failed to provide consistent safety and emotional regulation. This leads the child to develop self-reliance as a coping strategy, which later manifests as avoidance in adulthood.

Why is the 'boiling frog' metaphor used in the context of avoidant behavior?

The 'boiling frog' metaphor illustrates how avoidants react to sudden, intense changes but may not notice or respond as dramatically to gradual changes. It's used to explain why avoidants can handle slow progress in a relationship but react defensively to rapid shifts.

Do avoidants actually desire commitment?

Yes, avoidants do want connection and commitment, but their core wound and fear of losing independence cause them to push people away. They use stonewalling as a defense mechanism, though deep down they seek intimacy.

How does the anxious-avoidant dynamic mirror the relationship between Heathcliff and Catherine in 'Wuthering Heights'?

Heathcliff represents an anxious attachment style, constantly seeking reassurance and fearing abandonment, while Catherine is an avoidant, maintaining emotional distance. Their dynamic showcases the destructive push-pull tension common between anxious and avoidant partners.

Can attachment styles change over time?

Yes, attachment styles are fluid. Relationships, experiences, and personal growth can lead insecure attachment styles (e.g., anxious or avoidant) to become more secure over time, especially when interacting with secure partners.

What is the 'Space Formula' used for when dealing with stonewalling?

The 'Space Formula' helps determine how much space to give an avoidant based on factors like the severity of stonewalling, past patterns, their comfort level with space, communication attempts, and the emotional climate.

What is tactical empathy, and how can it be applied to avoidants?

Tactical empathy is recognizing and vocalizing another person's perspective, allowing for better communication. In dealing with avoidants, it involves acknowledging their fears and concerns in a respectful way, which can help create a safe environment for dialogue.