Master Your Desires to Master Your Life: Stoic and Buddhist Secrets to Desire Modulation
Summary
TLDRIn this insightful discussion, the speaker explores the concept of desire and its impact on personal motivation and happiness. They emphasize the importance of aligning desires with one's values to avoid suffering and achieve true fulfillment. The conversation delves into techniques for managing desires, such as cognitive restructuring and the use of psychological triggers, and contrasts intrinsic and extrinsic motivations. The speaker also shares personal practices for maintaining focus and productivity, highlighting the significance of aligning actions with one's core values and passions.
Takeaways
- 🧘 Desires can be a driving force, but attachments to specific outcomes can lead to suffering.
- 🔄 It's important to evaluate desires to see if they align with one's values to avoid negative outcomes and inner conflict.
- 🚦 The concept of 'Rogue desires' can cause problems, leading to biased actions and suffering; managing them is key.
- 🌱 Desires can be reshaped to align with what truly brings pride and self-admiration.
- 🚦 Traffic example illustrates how unmanaged desires can cause suffering, suggesting the need for desire management.
- 🍭 The Walter Michel Marshmallow Test is mentioned as a metaphor for learning to delay gratification and manage desires.
- 🤔 Methods to balance desires include distraction and reinterpretation to avoid immediate gratification for long-term values.
- 🏃♂️ People who seem unmotivated might have conflicting desires, and aligning them can lead to increased motivation.
- 📝 The speaker prefers 'trigger-based habits' over fixed routines, using psychological triggers to initiate actions.
- 📆 Regularly revisiting a virtues list is suggested, but not daily, to avoid it becoming a chore and losing its impact.
- 🌟 The importance of aligning actions with intrinsic motivations and passions is emphasized over extrinsic rewards.
Q & A
What is the main issue with having attachments to specific outcomes?
-Attachments to specific outcomes can cause suffering because they lead to disappointment when we fail to achieve them and often result in realizing that achieving them doesn't actually bring happiness.
How can examining our desires help us align with our values?
-By examining our desires, we can identify which ones align with our values and which ones distract from them. This allows us to rework our desires to ensure they support our values and promote self-admiration.
What is the psychological impact of having conflicting desires?
-Conflicting desires can cause paralysis, where individuals feel stuck and unable to move forward because their desires are pulling them in opposing directions.
How can the marshmallow test be interpreted as a method for managing desires?
-The marshmallow test illustrates the ability to delay gratification, which is a skill in managing desires. Children who resist the marshmallow are employing psychological methods to alter or lower their desire for immediate gratification.
What is the difference between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation according to the transcript?
-Intrinsic motivation comes from a person's internal desires and passions, while extrinsic motivation is driven by external rewards like money or social status. Intrinsic motivation is more sustainable and less likely to lead to burnout.
Why is it beneficial to have our goals determined by our values rather than our desires?
-Goals determined by values provide a more stable and meaningful direction. They help in using desires as fuel to achieve those goals without being overwhelmed by the 'hot motivational pulling force' of desires.
What is the role of Stoicism in managing desires according to the discussion?
-Stoicism offers principles to help manipulate our desires, either by increasing or decreasing them, to align with our values and reduce suffering. It suggests controlling desires rather than trying to satisfy them all.
How can practices like gratitude help in managing desires?
-Gratitude helps by increasing our appreciation for what we have and decreasing our desires for what we don't have, thus resetting our focus and reducing the tendency to take things for granted.
What is the concept of 'trigger-based habits' mentioned in the transcript?
-'Trigger-based habits' are habits that are activated by specific psychological triggers or thoughts. They involve developing behaviors or thoughts in response to certain mental cues to better manage one's actions and reactions.
Why might regularly reviewing a list of virtues lose its effectiveness over time?
-Regularly reviewing a list of virtues can become routine and lose its impact if it turns into a chore. The value of such a practice diminishes when it no longer feels meaningful or engaging.
How does the idea of 'taking your seat in the theater of life' relate to finding one's values?
-The phrase 'taking your seat in the theater of life' suggests finding one's purpose and place in life by uncovering one's true values and nature. This alignment with one's intrinsic values can lead to a sense of fulfillment and direction.
Outlines
🌱 Understanding Desires and Aligning Them with Values
The speaker discusses how desires can both motivate and cause suffering. Desires tied to specific outcomes often lead to disappointment or dissatisfaction, even when achieved. The speaker emphasizes the importance of evaluating desires to ensure they align with one's values, which reduces internal conflict and promotes self-respect. They also explore how unregulated desires can lead to anxiety, using a traffic scenario to illustrate the tension between desire and reality. Techniques for managing desires, like lowering or reframing them, are introduced, along with the example of the marshmallow test, where delaying gratification is seen as a way to align desires with long-term values.
🛠 Practices and Trigger-Based Habits for Personal Growth
The speaker explains their approach to habits, highlighting a preference for 'trigger-based' habits rather than rigid routines. They use psychological triggers to initiate actions like journaling pessimistic thoughts or shifting mindsets. While basic daily habits like hygiene and exercise remain, the speaker has moved away from extensive self-help routines, finding that triggers activated by certain thoughts or behaviors create a more adaptable and effective personal growth system.
🎯 Reflecting on Virtues and Avoiding Habit Fatigue
The speaker talks about the importance of reviewing one's virtues and values periodically, rather than daily, as constant repetition can lose its impact. They share a past experience of reading a mission statement every day and how it eventually became a chore. Instead, they prefer to reflect on values less frequently, adjusting them every few years. These values guide important life decisions, such as choosing not to become a manager despite the potential benefits, as it doesn’t align with their strengths or values.
🌿 Gratitude and Desire Regulation in Stoicism
In this section, the speaker connects Stoicism with modern psychology to explain how practices like gratitude, negative visualization, and perspective shifts help regulate desires. Rather than trying to fulfill all desires, these techniques help reframe desires and reduce the focus on unattainable goals. The speaker emphasizes that controlling desires rather than seeking to satisfy every want is a more effective path to contentment, aligning closely with Stoic principles.
⚖️ Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic Motivation
The speaker delves into the difference between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation, emphasizing that intrinsic desires—those that align with passions and core values—are far more sustainable and motivating. Extrinsic motivations, like seeking money or social status, can not only demotivate but also hinder performance. They advocate for centering one's life around intrinsic motivations, using extrinsic rewards sparingly, and aligning desires with values to prevent burnout.
💡 Values, Virtue, and Living in Agreement with Nature
The speaker reflects on the importance of understanding and aligning with one's values, which they believe are deeply rooted in evolutionary and biological factors. Rather than designing new values, they advocate for uncovering inherent virtues that naturally motivate and align with personal and societal well-being. This process is described as discovering one's role in life, fitting into a larger system, and living in accordance with nature.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Desire
💡Attachment
💡Values
💡Suffering
💡Rogue desires
💡Motivation
💡Stoicism
💡Intrinsic motivation
💡Extrinsic motivation
💡Gratitude
💡Desire regulation
Highlights
Desire modulation is a key step in personal development, but it's not about having no desires at all.
Attachments to specific outcomes can lead to suffering, both when we fail and when we achieve them.
Rogue desires can create biases, lead to actions we're not proud of, and result in suffering.
Reworking desires to align with personal values can lead to self-admiration and happiness.
Desires can cause suffering, such as the anxiety experienced when stuck in traffic.
Desire modulation involves finding ways to balance or lower desires to reduce suffering.
The marshmallow test illustrates the importance of delaying gratification and aligning desires with values.
Children who can resist marshmallows longer are employing psychological methods to alter or lower desires.
Methods for balancing desires include distraction and reinterpreting the value of the desired object.
Conflicting desires can lead to a lack of motivation and a feeling of paralysis.
Aligning desires can result in increased motivation and productivity.
Trigger-based habits are more effective than a rigid morning routine for personal development.
Reviewing virtues or values periodically is more impactful than daily rituals.
Stoic principles can help manipulate desires to increase or decrease them.
Gratitude can be used as a tool to increase desires for what we already have and decrease those for what we don't.
Buddhist concepts like 'non-self' can be viewed as methods for desire regulation.
Intrinsic motivations are more sustainable and effective than extrinsic motivations.
Extrinsic motivations can actually hurt performance and damage effectiveness.
Using intrinsic desire for creative tasks and extrinsic motivation for instrumental tasks can be effective.
Goals should be determined by values rather than desires to avoid the strain and suffering associated with desires.
Discovering one's true nature and values can lead to a wellspring of intrinsic motivation.
Transcripts
[Music]
you mentioned a moment ago uh desire
modulation was part of these steps I
know we skipped a few steps but you're
talking about uh seeing your desires and
then changing them can you what are you
referencing there like what's isn't
desire part of the thing that helps us
you know get out of bed and be motivated
to accomplish something sure yeah I'm
not an advocate for having no desires at
all and I I actually you know a lot of
people interpret like Buddhism that way
and I don't think that's really what
it's about either but um attachments to
specific outcomes uh will cause us to
suffer
both when we fail to achieve those
outcomes because we didn't have that
control in the first place and very
often when we achieve them and realize
that wasn't what we wanted in the first
place that that doesn't actually make us
happy so we have a lot of Rogue desires
sort of running around in our heads uh
causing problems they they create biases
they cause us to take actions we're not
proud of and they result in suffering
and so I think it's best to look at your
desires and and say um you know which
which of these are actually pulling me
in the direction of my values and which
ones are sort of pulling me away from
them or distracting from that aim and
then you you essentially want to rework
them until all of your desires are sort
of in general alignment with what
actually makes you proud of yourself and
and admire yourself and that's that's
getting into the message of the new book
a little bit but in general um going
through and saying okay what what desire
is causing me to suffer here well okay
I'm in traffic right now I want to I
want to be moving and I'm stuck here um
you know you can you will you will
suffer and you'll experience anxiety and
anger if you don't do something about
that desire and it just keeps pushing
and saying I don't want to be stuck in
traffic and so you can go in and and
sort of channel the feeling that you
might get if you're stuck at a red light
um and and then it turns green but
actually you were doing something you
wanted more time at the red light and
then you're like oh no I have to put my
phone down or whatever and so there are
there are sort of ways to balance out
your desires or to lower your desires um
you know if you um if we look at like
the the the Walter michell marshmallow
test um where you know we kind of
learned that children who are better
able to delay gratification have better
you know life outcomes long term um
ultimately what the children who are
able to resist a marshmallow for longer
are doing is is they're employing
psychological methods to alter or lower
those desires because they know uh it
aligns more with their values on some
level um to wait and and do what they
were asked to right get a second
marshmallow or whatever the reward is so
you can you know distract yourself is
that them uh thinking about the their
values and what aligns with it or is it
they might just think they're going to
get more marshmallows if
agreed agreed could that just be greed
they're just smarter about manipulating
their greed right well and it's all
about getting what what will actually
make you happier but um not caving into
the thing that you kind of know won't
make you happier but you just your
desires really want and so I think you
know uh the kids who did that
successfully were distracting themselves
uh playing with a toy uh you know
another option is to reinterpret the way
you think about the the marshmallow or
whatever the thing you you want is um so
there are lots of lots of methods for
getting these desires to work with you
instead of against you I also think a
lot of people who appear unmotivated in
their lives who think they are lazy or
they just can't you know get anything
done are actually people with a lot of
conflicting desires and so they're
they're pointing in sort of opposing
directions and keeping them what appears
to be standing still but if you could
just get those desires to line up you
would find yourself to be an incredibly
motivated person um so it's it's just a
matter of developing greater control
over these individual uh wants that's
interesting sometimes um I find myself
and I see this in my wife too where it's
almost
like paralysis by analysis like you got
so much stuff that you want to do to do
and they're all pointing different
directions and it's kind of like
like um it makes it hard to take step a
step forward so you'd rather just like
ignore the whole list
um yeah so but taking the time to
analyze those with like a different from
a different angle of your mind allows
you to kind of direct the traffic a
little bit better and um make a more
efficient way to get through the to-do
list or whatever
what are some rituals or practices or
things that you do on a regular
basis yeah this is a good question so I
I've sort of gone through the whole like
self-help personal Improvement habits uh
phase in my life where I had like was
trying to stack like 20 habits in my
morning routine and what I found is I
really prefer what you might call
trigger based habits and this is
something where when I have a certain
kind of thought uh I try to build a
either another hot thought or um you
know a certain Behavior like writing it
down in a in a journal app based on that
thought and so on any given day I've got
these you know kind of triggers going
off in my brain saying oh I just had
like a pessimistic thought uh how do I
approach that what do I do about that do
I write this down in kind of a cognitive
log um do I try to replace it with this
other thought and so um I've pretty much
gotten to where aside from like the
basic hygiene things I don't have a lot
that I do every day I work out regularly
I I take a shower in the morning brush
my teeth that kind of thing um but I
don't have like the seven like cold
shower meditation like all the all the
typical self-help things and I found
that uh really building good systems
that that are sort of activated by
certain psychological triggers have been
the most helpful thing for
me do you review your virtues on a
regular basis is that something that you
like to look at Daily then and sense of
like oh yeah that's that's that's what
I'm aiming for every
day I actually at one point had a
mission statement that I would read out
loud to myself every day and what I
found is anytime you have something like
that that you do every day it kind of
becomes a chore and it loses its power
after a couple months so I I like to
revisit my um my sort of Virtues list
and make changes every like 3 years or
so and I will you know obviously check
back in with it periodically throughout
um but it's always on my mind I'm always
conscious of it as I'm making decisions
you know I have an the option of like
hiring a team right now and becoming
basically a manager and I don't think
that would bring out my greatest
strengths so I'm I'm staying solo for
the time being uh even though you know
it might speed things up to build this
whole team I want to really make sure
I'm bringing out my strengths the best I
can and I think I'm doing that uh the
way I'm doing it now is the best way to
do that so it's a a big part of my
considerations
yeah I I love that Insight because so
often that's all we're hearing right now
is go go go do more cold plunges do more
gratitude journaling then you'll be
successful and so it's always neat to
see how other high performers are doing
things and saying listen you can be just
as successful or do whatever you don't
need to do that so I really value just
that Insight that and kind of your path
too because I go down the
self-development path myself and just go
go go and oh this is the new thing I got
to add now my morning habits taking me
two hours it used to only take me one so
um it's it's yeah it's nice to hear that
what other people are doing that's why I
asked that
question I write about this in in one of
the chapters of the book and I did a
piece for modern stoicism recently where
I talked about uh stoicism and desire
regulation um and it's kind of an a
different angle to look at it that um
kind of connects more to Modern
psychology it's this idea that many of
these stoic principles are actually
meant to help us
manipulate our own desires either
increase a desire or decrease it right
and and so I kind of go through uh these
different methods right gratitude right
negative
visualization uh the view from above
that that you were referencing early the
earlier these different uh thought
experiments or mindsets or exercises uh
they can be used to tame your desires so
you know the traditional way of dealing
with desires of course is to just try to
get everything you want and that's the
sort of grasping controlling approach
that that tends to be problematic right
if you actually try to control the
desires themselves rather than trying to
get everything you want you can you can
get what you want much more easily
without the strain and and the suffering
that we tend to think goes along with
our desires right so you know gratitude
is a great way it's a it's a great Habit
to build like a weekly gratitude
practice simply because it increases
your desires for what you already have
and decreases your desires for what you
don't have because so often that's our
problem we're essentially taking for
granted all the things that we already
have and all the good things about our
lives and we're we're blowing all the
things we don't have way out of
proportion so this kind of resets that
and puts it in proper proportion right
you know you can view Buddhist ideas
like non self right the idea that that
the self is an illusion you can view
that as a a desire regulation method as
well because when when someone insults
us the reason why we get upset is
because we have this identity construct
that we feel is hurt right someone
someone has damaged who we are as a
person and when you kind of distance
yourself from that notion of self when
you step back and say okay well uh this
is all a lot more complex than that you
know a person is not story right there's
a there's all these different uh
complexities you you can turn down that
desire to be uh this this perfect
individual that no one would ever
criticize right so there there are all
these different methods for um it's kind
of controlling and not controlling
simultaneously because you're you're
grasping less uh over what you want but
you're also domesticating your desires I
talk about the difference between
intrinsic and extrinsic
motivation right it's been found that
extrinsic motivations like like you know
the desire to make money or get more
social status or more Facebook likes or
whatever it is that that is H exciting
you um these are actually not only less
motivating than intrinsic desires but
they can actually hurt performance they
they can actually damage your
Effectiveness if you're getting rewarded
in these intrinsic way in these
extrinsic
ways so the question becomes do you
fully commit to your intrinsic desires
to your own motivations that that are
sort of the deepest within you and your
passions right or do you just force
yourself to do things that you don't
want to do all the time and find ways to
motivate yourself and I think the answer
get that extrinsic goal like you yeah
yeah I love this right yeah so I think
the answer is that you're never going to
be able to sustain longterm uh a bunch
of desires for for things you don't
actually want or a bunch of motivation
for things you don't actually want to do
if your whole life is centered around uh
doing things that you don't find
Pleasant uh then it's not going to work
you're you're GNA burn out before long
um so I think the answer is that you
need to factor your sort of deepest
motivations and passions into the path
that you take and you really want to use
intrinsic desire to achieve these um
these creative you know actually
intellectually stimulating tasks and
then sometimes you'll need to use
extrinsic motivation you'll need this
sort of carrot and Stick Motivation in
order to do the instrumental tasks that
you need to achieve that big uh
intrinsic goal right but ultimately I
think you know what I kind of lay out as
a method for actually setting these
goals is that you really don't want your
desires to have anything to do with them
you really want your values to be this
sort of top level determinant of your
goals and I think you know it can be
hard to distinguish at times but but I
think desires have this sort of hot
motivational pulling Force they're
they're like these screams that you
can't ignore and your values are often
the The Whispers that are hard to notice
but if you can get in touch with those
values and and that person that you
really want to be and then you set the
goals below that the the individual sub
goals to achieve what you need to you
can use your desires as the fuel to get
yourself there and you can use in uh
intrinsic motivation or you can use
cared and stick rewards whenever you
think it'll be the most effective way to
achieve those goals yeah yeah no I I
like all of that you know I like the
intrinsic extrinsic dichotomy there I
think that it it definitely fit get into
a lot of what we talk about when it
comes to say you know the dichotomy of
control what can you really control pull
it back in you know within yourself
there and and I think that it also plays
into this idea of living in agreement
with with with nature I don't want to
read into it just into you know the
philosophy that we're talking about here
stoicism but um but it definitely makes
sense that you would want to remove the
Clutter and find out what it is that you
as a person in your nature is is really
looking for and I like that you I think
you used the phrase to get in touch with
your values and and I I much prefer that
you know to say something like you to
redesign your values because it's it's
you know there there are some I I think
that there's well I've been convinced
lately that there is like a real
biological element to um an evolutionary
element to to Virtue and and to you know
higher of values that if you're able to
uncover within yourself it's almost as
if you you find like a Wellspring of
intrinsic motivation because you realize
that that's that's the really important
stuff that is going to move you forward
and so you know you you you know you put
your life together in such a way that
that your internal nature and your
values are working for the good of of
you know of your culture and of the
people around you and and and that's how
you kind of fit into this this to this
uh you fit into the system into which
you were born you know by by uncovering
what it is that you're really you really
are deep down and seeing how you can
bring that out um to a greater extent I
think I think I like what Sharon leel
says she says um it's like taking your
seat in the theater of life you know and
finally finding out what it is that
you're supposed to be doing where you're
supposed to be going
m
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