Stop Letting Social Anxiety Control You

Summary

This video explores techniques to short-circuit social anxiety by engaging other parts of the brain beyond analysis and overthinking. Dr. K emphasizes the importance of utilizing body language, eye contact, and posture to tap into our natural social circuitry, as animals do without complex thought processes. He explains how standing up straight, making brief eye contact, and smiling can activate reassuring parts of the brain, helping to reduce anxiety. The video encourages practicing these techniques in low-stakes situations to build confidence and overcome social anxiety in a more natural and effective way.

Takeaways

• 🧠 Social anxiety often stems from overthinking and analysis in social situations.
• 🐾 Animals can communicate socially without anxiety, relying on non-verbal cues like body language and tone.
• 🔄 Our modern approach to social anxiety—using logic, analysis, and research—disables the natural circuits our brain uses for social reassurance.
• 👀 We can harness our senses, such as making eye contact and reading body language, to reduce social anxiety.
• 🌬 Slow breathing, especially with long exhalations, can physiologically calm the body by reducing adrenaline.
• 🦋 A more open posture, like standing with shoulders back, can help counteract anxiety and defensive body language.
• 👁️ Eye contact for brief periods (around one second) helps activate the brain's visual cortex to provide social reassurance.
• 😊 Smiling at others triggers natural empathetic responses, leading to social reassurance through mirrored body language.
• 📵 Over-reliance on phones in social settings blocks out these reassuring cues, exacerbating social anxiety.
• 💪 Practicing these techniques—open posture, eye contact, and smiling—in low-stakes environments can build confidence for more complex social interactions.

Q & A

What is the primary issue people face when dealing with social anxiety?

The primary issue is overthinking and analysis, where the mind produces thoughts like 'What will people think?' or 'What should I say?' This analytical overdrive can lead to difficulty in engaging socially.

What is the traditional approach people take to overcome social anxiety, and why does it have limitations?

People usually rely on rationality, logic, and reassurance to fight against their inner voice of anxiety. While this may help to some extent, it doesn’t address the core issue, which involves other brain circuits related to social perception and physiology.

Why does the speaker refer to animals when discussing social communication?

Animals, despite not having language or the ability to analyze social situations, are still able to navigate social interactions successfully. They use their natural social and empathic circuitry, such as body language and tone, to communicate effectively, offering a valuable lesson for humans.

How does modern behavior, like phone use, contribute to social anxiety?

When people are socially anxious, they tend to look at their phones, which isolates them from external cues like body language and eye contact that could offer social reassurance. This avoidance prevents their brain from receiving the data needed to calm social anxiety.

What role does the 'visual association cortex' play in managing social anxiety?

The visual association cortex helps attach meaning to visual stimuli, such as recognizing smiles or relaxed body language, which can offer social reassurance and help calm the inner voice of anxiety.

What is one physiological technique mentioned to help reduce social anxiety in real time?

Standing up straight, rolling the shoulders back, and taking slow, deep breaths with long exhalations can help reduce adrenaline and calm the body's physiological response to anxiety.

Why is making eye contact important when trying to overcome social anxiety?

Making eye contact allows the brain to gather reassuring social signals, such as others’ relaxed or welcoming body language. Without eye contact, the brain relies solely on overanalysis and can intensify anxiety.

How should someone make eye contact in a social situation without feeling overwhelmed?

The speaker suggests making eye contact for about one second at a time, especially during conversations. It’s also recommended to stand at a 45-degree angle in one-on-one conversations, which feels more natural and less intense.

What impact does smiling have in social situations for someone with social anxiety?

Smiling can trigger a mirroring response in others, where they smile back. This creates a positive feedback loop, signaling to the socially anxious person that the interaction is friendly, which can reduce anxiety.

What is one practical way to practice these techniques in low-stakes situations?

One can practice these techniques in everyday situations, like ordering food. Stand with good posture, make brief eye contact, and smile at the cashier. This helps build comfort and familiarity with these techniques in a low-pressure environment.

Outlines

00:00

🤯 Overthinking and Inner Struggle in Social Anxiety

The first paragraph introduces the concept of social anxiety and explains how overthinking dominates the mind in social situations. People often struggle with thoughts such as what others think of them, when to speak, or how to engage in conversation. Even if they can push past these thoughts and participate socially, there remains a persistent internal voice of doubt. This paragraph also mentions that some people try to overcome social anxiety by using rational analysis and self-reassurance but are still battling an inner critic. It ends by mentioning a resource called Dr. K's Guide, designed to help individuals take control of their minds.

05:02

🦁 Lessons from the Animal Kingdom: A Non-Analytical Approach

This paragraph contrasts human social anxiety with how animals interact socially. Animals don’t have language or analytical thinking, yet they navigate social situations successfully using their instincts and body language. The problem with people today is that they rely too much on logic and analysis to solve social anxiety, ignoring the social and empathic circuits of the brain that animals use naturally. The key takeaway is that people need to activate these circuits, such as body language and tone, rather than over-analyzing, in order to overcome social anxiety.

10:04

🧠 The Misconception of Social Anxiety as Just a Psychological Problem

This paragraph expands on the idea that social anxiety is not solely a cognitive issue but also involves physiology and perception. While therapy is helpful, it’s essential to realize that social anxiety also engages physical responses and perceptual cues. For example, animals rely on their senses—body language, tone, eye contact, and even smell—when interacting socially. While the example of using smell to reduce anxiety is used humorously, the underlying principle is that using multiple senses can deactivate the circuits that cause anxiety.

📱 Modern Society and Disconnected Social Perception

Here, the author discusses how modern behaviors, like looking at your phone when entering a room, prevent people from receiving socially reassuring signals such as smiles or relaxed body language. These social cues are processed in the brain’s visual association cortex, which helps us feel reassured in social situations. When we lock ourselves into screens, we lose access to these important signals. To counter this, the author suggests opening up to visual stimuli in social environments to activate the circuits in the brain that help reduce anxiety.

💡 The Role of Body Language in Social Comfort

This paragraph introduces the first of three practical steps to reduce social anxiety: standing up straight, rolling your shoulders back, and practicing slow breathing, especially with slow exhalation. These physical actions can counter the physiological effects of adrenaline that come with anxiety, calming the nervous system. The advice includes imagining cracking an egg between your shoulder blades to improve posture and expanding your lungs, which helps reduce panic and deactivate the amygdala, the brain's fear center.

👁️ Eye Contact as a Tool for Social Reassurance

The second strategy for reducing social anxiety is making brief eye contact. Although it may feel intimidating, eye contact helps the brain receive reassuring signals, countering the overactive analytical mind that feeds anxiety. A simple recommendation is to maintain eye contact for about one second during conversations. This brief eye contact, especially in group settings, provides enough feedback to the brain to feel more socially secure, without being overwhelming.

😊 Smiling to Activate Positive Social Responses

The third step involves smiling, which triggers a natural mirroring effect where others will smile back. This simple exchange signals to the brain that the social interaction is positive, helping to deactivate anxious thoughts. The author emphasizes that the smile should be brief—just a quick flash—to create a natural, reassuring feedback loop. The paragraph suggests practicing smiling, eye contact, and posture in low-stakes environments, such as when ordering food, to gradually build confidence.

🔄 Breaking the Cycle of Over-Analysis and Isolation

In this final paragraph, the author concludes by reinforcing the idea that humans over-rely on analysis to overcome social anxiety, which only worsens the issue. By using physical, visual, and empathic feedback like animals do, we can create more natural social connections. The author also humorously points out that animals and even insects manage to have complex social structures without needing all the intellectual tools humans use. The key is to stop staring at screens and to practice these techniques in everyday life to reactivate the parts of the brain that alleviate social anxiety.

Keywords

💡Social Anxiety

Social anxiety refers to the intense fear or discomfort individuals feel in social situations due to concerns about judgment, embarrassment, or rejection. In the video, it is described as a state of overthinking and hyperanalysis where a person worries about how they are perceived, which leads to avoidance of social interaction. The video explores how to manage and short-circuit this anxiety by addressing both cognitive and physiological aspects.

💡Overthinking

Overthinking is the excessive analysis and rumination on one's thoughts or actions, often leading to anxiety. In the video, overthinking is presented as one of the main symptoms of social anxiety, where a person becomes consumed by thoughts like 'What will people think?' or 'Should I say something now?' This tendency to overanalyze is contrasted with how animals handle social interactions instinctively without overthinking.

💡Empathic Circuitry

Empathic circuitry refers to the neural systems in the brain that allow individuals to interpret and respond to social cues, such as body language and tone of voice. The video emphasizes that in socially anxious situations, these circuits are often underutilized because people focus on overthinking instead of perceiving these natural social signals. By engaging empathic circuitry, such as making eye contact or interpreting body language, individuals can reduce anxiety.

💡Amygdala

The amygdala is a part of the brain responsible for processing emotions, particularly fear and anxiety. In the video, the amygdala is described as part of the social anxiety response, triggering fear in social situations. The goal is to calm the amygdala by using physical cues, such as breathing exercises and posture adjustments, to reduce the fear and panic associated with social anxiety.

💡Adrenaline

Adrenaline is a hormone released during stressful situations, contributing to the fight-or-flight response. In the video, the increase in adrenaline during social anxiety is linked to heightened physical sensations like rapid heartbeat and shortness of breath. Techniques such as slow breathing and posture correction are suggested to lower adrenaline levels and help individuals feel calmer in social environments.

💡Visual Association Cortex

The visual association cortex is the part of the brain that attaches meaning to visual stimuli. In the video, this concept is used to explain how interpreting social signals (like smiling or body language) helps individuals feel reassured in social settings. By avoiding eye contact or looking at phones, socially anxious people miss these signals, leading to heightened anxiety because they lack reassuring visual feedback.

💡Social Reassurance

Social reassurance refers to the feedback received from others through body language, facial expressions, and tone, which helps reduce anxiety. In the video, it is described as critical for overcoming social anxiety, as smiling, eye contact, and positive body language can signal safety and acceptance, reducing the brain's anxiety response. The video advises individuals to actively seek these cues to counter their anxiety.

💡Physiology

Physiology refers to the physical processes in the body, such as breathing and posture, that affect emotional states. In the context of the video, the physiological response to anxiety, such as tense muscles or shallow breathing, is addressed through physical techniques like standing straight and deep breathing. These methods help regulate the body's anxiety response, reducing the impact of social anxiety.

💡Posture

Posture is the way an individual holds their body. In the video, posture is discussed as a key element in reducing social anxiety. By standing up straight, rolling the shoulders back, and taking slow breaths, a person can physiologically reduce feelings of fear and anxiety. Good posture is linked to confidence and can help interrupt the body's adrenaline response to social stress.

💡Eye Contact

Eye contact is the act of looking into someone else's eyes during a conversation. The video explains that making brief eye contact is important for receiving social reassurance and engaging the brain's empathic circuitry. Although socially anxious individuals tend to avoid eye contact, the video suggests that brief moments of eye contact can help individuals receive reassuring signals and break the cycle of overthinking.

Highlights

Social anxiety often stems from overthinking, with individuals analyzing situations excessively.

Relying on logic and reassurance to overcome social anxiety only addresses the surface of the problem.

Social anxiety isn't just a psychological issue; it's also related to physiology and perception.

Animals, despite lacking language or analysis, successfully navigate social situations by using other brain circuits like body language and tone.

Humans often shut off circuits like the visual association cortex due to modern distractions like smartphones, which limits their ability to perceive reassuring social signals.

One effective way to reduce social anxiety is by focusing on using your body's physiology to calm down, such as adjusting your posture and breathing slowly.

Making brief eye contact helps activate the visual association cortex, allowing you to interpret social signals that can ease anxiety.

Smiling creates social mirroring, where others will smile back at you, helping you feel more relaxed and welcomed.

Simple practices, like standing tall, making eye contact, and smiling at strangers in low-stakes environments, can help rewire how you react in social situations.

Adopting an open posture, such as standing with shoulders back and head high, reduces adrenaline, which decreases the physical symptoms of anxiety.

The role of body language in social reassurance is critical, as it communicates relaxation and approachability without needing words.

Brief moments of eye contact, rather than prolonged staring, are enough to gather reassuring social feedback.

The more you use these circuits in everyday life, the more they can help reduce social anxiety in higher-pressure situations.

Short smiles, flashed naturally, rather than long or forced smiles, are effective in signaling friendliness and reducing tension.

By combining physiological techniques with active social engagement, people can short-circuit the analytical overdrive that fuels social anxiety.

Transcripts

today we're going to talk about how to

shortcircuit social

anxiety so if you're struggling with

social anxiety chances are you go into a

situation and you're kind of

overthinking things your mind is

producing all of these thoughts like

what will people think what will will

people like me or not like me what

should I say what should I not say

should I speak now should I speak later

should I wait how do I find an in into

the conversation and so your mind is in

kind of overdrive or analytical

overdrive and even if you're able to

overcome your social anxiety right you

can take all those thoughts and all

those worries and squash them way down

and then like engage in the social

conversation there's still this basic

problem because you've got this inner

voice and so you're fighting against

that inner voice in order to overcome it

with rationality and Analysis and

reassurance hey just a quick note a lot

of people will ask us what do I do next

and that's why we built Dr K's guide

It's a comprehensive resource that

distills over 20 years of my experience

both as a monk and as a psychiatrist and

it's designed in a way that's tailored

to fit your needs so if you're

interested in better understanding your

mind and taking control of your life

check out the link below today we're

going to talk about how to actually

disable that inner voice so that you

don't have to struggle or fight every

time you feel anxious in a social

situation we're actually going to start

by looking at how social communication

actually works and instead of turning to

a a success story of some kind of person

who was very very shy and then became an

alpha Chad we're actually going to turn

to the Animal Kingdom because here's the

Wild Thing animals don't even know how

to talk they don't I don't think that

they sit there and they struggle with

social anxiety in their head and use

analysis and watch YouTube videos and

like Google things and Wikipedia things

somehow animals despite having all none

of these tools can actually overcome

their social anxiety they're very social

creatures and so if we stop and think

about it what we realize is that animals

are using all of these different

circuits in their brain they're using

these the social circuitry empathic

circuitry they're reading body language

tone things like that and they're

actually able to communicate very

effectively and so what's the problem in

today's world the problem is that we

don't use any of those circuits right

when we're in a socially anxious

situation what are we actually doing

what's our approach to resolving our

social anxiety it's actually analysis

logic reassurance research on the

internet you're watching a video about

social anxiety in a room probably all by

yourself or on your phone this is the

way that you approach the problem and

now here's the problem with that is that

if we sort of think about what we find

socially reassuring it's actually all of

that other stuff it is that stuff like

body language and tone So today we're

going to talk about how to harness that

the other thing that we've got to touch

on is that we tend to think about social

social anxiety is a psychological

problem right the place that you feel

the suffering is in your head you have

all these thoughts have all these

worries maybe your heart is racing some

and so we also send people to like

therapists and we sort of think about

Psychotherapy as a treatment for social

anxiety and if you've got a disorder

that's actually a really good idea but

one of the things that we have to

understand is that anxiety and social

situations is not purely a cognitive

problem it's actually a problem of

perception and Physiology as well and if

we think about how animals become

comfortable in social situations they

use the full Suite of their senses right

they'll pay attention to body language

they'll pay attention to tone they'll

even make eye contact with each other

and a lot of animals will also use smell

and so that's what we're going to talk

about today how to use smell to overcome

your social anxiety so when you enter

into a room one of the most reassuring

things that you can do to disable these

parts of your brain is to sniff other

human beings and to raise your armpit

and allow other human beings to sniff

you actually we're not going to do that

at all that is a terrible idea don't do

that okay but in actuality there's a

really good principle there which is

that when we utilize our other senses we

can actually disable some of the

circuits that cause social anxiety the

next thing that we need to understand is

social reassurance so we feel socially

anxious and that largely comes from the

left hemisphere in the cerebral cortices

this is where all of our hyper thinking

comes from at the same time we get

activation of our amydala which is our

fear Center which is kind of in a

primitive part of the brain and so the

social anxiety picture is really a

combination of those two things hyper

analysis from our higher order brain

functions and A Primitive fear response

the interesting thing is that social

reassurance actually comes from

different parts of the brain it comes

from some of our ability to interpret

signals and different kinds of

perceptions and so what we really need

to do is recruit those parts of the

brain the challenge is that in the

society that we live in today those

parts of the brain tend to get shut off

and I'll give you all just a really

simple example so let's say I walk into

a party and I'm feeling really anxious

what are the signals that I could

perceive that would make me feel relaxed

if I saw other people looking at me and

smiling at me and like waving me over

they're like hey look it's Dr K Dr K is

here awwesome like hey man thanks for

coming

they can say all of those things but I

don't even need them to say it if I if I

walk in and I see other people and they

smile and they wave me over that will be

socially reassuring I may feel like I'm

on the spotlight for a split second but

it'll feel very reassuring and this is

the problem is what do we do when we

walk into a party and we feel socially

anxious we pull out our phones and we

start looking at our phone and now our

perceptions are locked into here and if

my perception is locked into here how am

I going to to get all of those socially

reassuring signals how am I going to see

that people despite being near me their

body language is relaxed or excited or

that they're smiling or they're trying

to make eye contact what all I'm going

to do is I'm going to be kind of locked

in over here and as my perceptions are

locked in over here I don't get any of

that reassuring feedback so the empathic

circuits of my brain aren't receiving

the kind of information that they need

so we have these parts of the brain

called for example the visual

Association cortex this is the part of

our brain that when we get visual

stimuli attaches meaning to it so like I

can look at things and my the visual

cortex kind of processes information but

then the meaning attached to that

information so for example like if I

come into my house and there's a bouquet

of my favorite flowers there that means

something to me because those are my

favorite flowers and then I'm going to

feel loved and cared for and I'll relax

a little bit more so the visual

Association cortex is really really

important for helping us feel reassured

the problem is that nowadays we're

always on our phone so we literally

don't turn that on and that voice inside

you that feels very very very socially

anxious that voice is actually disarmed

by some of these parts of the brain like

the visual Association cortex so if we

want to short circuit our social anxiety

what we really need to do is recruit

these other parts of the brain and sort

of really think about from a phys

physiologic standpoint how we can

disable social anxiety so there going to

be three things that we can do the first

thing that we're going to do is actually

stand up straight and roll our shoulders

back and breathe very slowly and

especially slow exhalation so this does

a couple of things so when we feel

socially anxious our adrenaline is going

to be higher as our adrenaline is going

to be higher it changes our pattern of

breathing and that adrenaline is

actually going to make us feel more

panicked so from a physiologic

standpoint we need to take a step back

roll your shoulders back and there's a

really simple exercise that I'll give

people which is try to crack an egg with

your shoulder blades so imagine that

there's like an egg and that you're

sticking it between your shoulder blades

and you're kind of rolling your

shoulders back a little bit to crack it

you don't have to hold it like that you

don't have to like walk into like a room

like walking like this but sort of do

that a little bit to counteract that

kind of hunched cell phone posture okay

so once you sort of do that you're going

to raise your head up so you're going to

sort of adopt a more open posture

instead of like hunched and defensive

and then the other thing that's that

that's going to do is sort of expand

your lungs from a mechanical standpoint

and as you expand your lungs from a

mechanical standpoint you can take in

sort of slow uh deep breaths but

especially slow exhalation is really

important it'll physiologically disable

that adrenaline and as we disable the

adrenaline we'll start to feel more

relaxed our amydala will start to shut

off and so as as our amydala shuts off

that voice inside you that is worried

will start to actually get short

circuited so that's number one so

shoulders back head up high and take

especially deep breaths with long

exhalations now that we have our

shoulders back and head straight the

second thing that we're going to do is

make eye contact now this may terrify

you because if you're feeling a lot of

social anxiety the whole point is to

avoid eye contact you don't know what

people think and you're like just over

here and you don't want to make eye

contact and it feels really terrifying

to make eye contact the problem is that

without eye contact our visual

Association cortex cannot get any

reassuring stimuli right like we don't

have any reason to be reassured because

we're blocking out those messages and

this is the problem is when we don't

actually have information or experience

or data our brain is left working with

the analytical portion so this is

essentially like Theory crafting without

ever playing a game so you're sitting

there and you're not actually getting

any data you're not getting any

information and your brain is going

through 6,000 iterations to try to

Theory craft your way to success but I'm

sure that you you all know like you

can't Theory craft your way to the top

of a ladder you can't watch porn to the

point of like Theory crafting to be good

at sex you can't watch like movies and

suddenly become like an amazing human

being Theory crafting only gets you so

far in the basic problem with social

anxiety is all we're left with is our

analytical portion because we're not

actually receiving data so we want to

make eye contact we don't want to make

eye contact for very long A lot of

people are wondering like okay how long

should I make eye contact what I would

sort of recommend is if you're in a

social situation you make eye contact

for one second at a time and then you

move on to something else and really

simple way to do this is that if you're

part of a conversation you just look at

whoever is talking okay and when someone

is talking what they're going to be

doing is automatically making eye

contact with everyone around them so you

want really brief periods of eye contact

if you're in a one-on-one conversation

you don't want to stand directly across

from them you usually actually ideally

want to be at like a 45° angle so you

can kind of look over it them while

they're talking and then you can like

look to like a neutral situation and you

want to sort of do this for like a 1

second period so it doesn't feel overly

excessive and you may sort of struggle

with this a little bit at the beginning

you don't have to count it'll actually

feel natural and your body and brain

will actually like take over on its own

so how long you want to look over here

okay you're saying this oh that's really

interesting as you speak you can kind of

like look to a neutral location Okay the

third thing that we're going to do is

smile so smiling is really really really

important the reason that smiling is

important is when I smile at someone

else they smile at me this is just

natural empathic mirroring right so if I

go like this right what are you doing

chances are if you're watching this

you're smiling too and it's cool how

that works and so let's think about that

from a social anxiety perspective when I

smile at someone else and they smile at

me and I am keeping eye contact what

does that do for my visual Association

cortex it relaxes me because hey this

person actually likes me I'm starting to

receive this kind of data now smiling

can also be pretty terrifying because

like we're not kind of used to it and so

what I would recommend is you do these

three things in neutral social

situations to get some practice this is

like a 30second kind of bit if even this

is a 15-second practice where let's say

you walk into a store shoulders back

head up high make eye contact with like

the person that you're ordering the

sandwich from you smile hey h how are

you doing today or hey how's it going

today I'd like to get a sandwich and

that's it you just practice that for

like 10 seconds what was that 5 seconds

and so you do that practice for like 5

10 you know 15 times it doesn't really

cost you very much there are no

consequences right because your socially

anxious brain is like what what are they

going to think what are they who cares

what they think you're never going to

see them again practice these things a

couple of times and as you practice them

then you can start to Institute them in

a in a social situation and as you start

to Institute them you are actually going

to take like 90% of your brain which is

what animals have and how they're able

to maintain healthy social situations

without language without analysis

without Google without even Dr K oh my

God how do these like Prides of of lions

and like packs of wolves how can they

socialize even ant colonies they don't

have any of the stuff and yet they're

able to form healthy social societies

and that's because we're not using all

of these gigantic parts of our brain

because we're like literally staring at

our phone the whole time so if you want

to sort of be more socially reassured

what you need to start doing is start

utilizing these parts of the brain and

the more that you can do that the better

off you're going to be there's one last

thing that I want to leave with y'all is

that when we smile we're also not

talking about smiling for a long time

okay so like here's like what we want to

do is like flash a smile so we want to

go like this we want to go hey how

that's a f one so let me try a real one

hey how's it going today right that's a

little bit fake but instead we don't

want to do like this kind of smile like

Hi how are you doing today right so we

don't want long smilees smile for like a

second or two flash a smile and then

then sort of cut it out okay and so let

us know how this works for you feel free

to like comment or subscribe and let us

know in the comments like does this work

for you not work for you practice it for

a while and let other people know hey

this is complete BS it's not working and

then we'll go back to the drawing board

and try to come up with something else

[Music]