#1 Lawyer: How To Deal With Narcissism, Gaslighting, Toxic People & High Conflict | Jefferson Fisher

Summary

这段视频探讨了如何应对困难的对话，尤其是涉及自恋者或复杂性格的人。视频强调谨慎使用'自恋'一词，因为它已被过度使用，导致真正需要帮助的人声音变小。视频还提供了一些应对策略，例如在对话中保持冷静、适时退出，并避免被他人的操纵影响自己对现实的认知。重要的是了解自己，保持坚定，并通过设置对话框架来减少不必要的冲突。最后，视频强调了面对面的交流比通过短信更有效，特别是在解决冲突时。

Takeaways

• 😀 吸引观众的视频往往是那些涉及冲突和与困难性格互动的视频，尤其是关于处理自恋者的内容。
• 😟 自恋这个词被过度使用了，很多人把不喜欢的人都称为自恋者，尽管可能没有被正式诊断。
• 🧠 与自恋者互动时，要保持冷静，知道何时离开，并明白离开不代表失败，而是保护自己的平静。
• 😶 不要让对方的话语改变你的自我认知。保持自我认知是避免被操控和被影响的关键。
• 🔄 重复自己的观点，不要在对方的操控下反应过激，以免陷入他们的“游戏”。
• 🤔 在冲突中，可以说“我看到的情况不同”或“我有不同的看法”来避免无意义的争论。
• 🕑 沟通时，可以问自己“这件事我们一定要达成一致吗？”或“我们现在必须解决这个问题吗？”。
• 💡 在开始讨论之前，先设定框架，告知对方讨论的目的和预期结果，以减少焦虑。
• 😌 在进入不舒服的对话之前，使用微笑和积极的肢体语言来帮助自己保持冷静和自信。
• 📱 虽然短信沟通有时可行，但面对面或电话交流往往更有效，特别是在处理情感冲突时。

Q & A

问题1：为什么涉及冲突的话题会更吸引观众的关注？

观众对冲突话题更感兴趣，因为这些话题通常涉及人际关系中的困难情境，比如与自恋型人格或难相处的人互动，这些情境让观众产生共鸣，因此点击和互动率更高。

问题2：为什么创作者不频繁讨论自恋型人格话题？

创作者担心频繁讨论自恋型人格会让观众对该话题感到麻木，并且过度使用该词可能会淡化真正需要帮助的人的声音。因此，他选择谨慎地使用这个话题，避免误导观众。

问题3：在面对自恋型人格时，如何有效应对？

面对自恋型人格时，重要的是迅速离开或避免过度参与，因为他们的话可能具有破坏性。保持自我意识，避免被对方的言辞操纵。

问题4：在与难相处的人对话时，如何保持自己的情绪稳定？

可以通过深呼吸和暂停的方式来保持冷静。尤其是在面对自恋型人格时，重要的是不要被他们挑衅，学会适时退出对话，保持内心的平静。

问题5：如何防止被“煤气灯效应”（Gaslighting）影响？

防止煤气灯效应的关键在于对自我有清晰的认知，并对自己的价值有坚定的信心。重复简单的短语如“我有不同的看法”可以帮助你在对话中保持立场，不被对方的言辞左右。

问题6：在对话开始时设定“框架”有何好处？

在对话开始时设定框架，比如表明无论讨论结果如何，你依然关心对方，可以减轻对话中的不确定性和焦虑，有助于保持对话的积极方向。

问题7：如何避免在争论时陷入不必要的争执？

一个有效的方法是问对方“这是否是我们必须达成一致的事情？”通常答案是否定的，这可以帮助双方判断是否有必要争论并调整讨论的优先级。

问题8：在准备进行可能激烈的对话前，有什么建议吗？

可以通过设定时间限制或轮流发言来确保双方都有机会表达。一个建议是每人轮流说五分钟，不打断对方，之后结束话题，不再反复提起。

问题9：如何通过肢体语言为困难的对话做准备？

在困难对话中保持微笑可以帮助自己保持积极和自信。还可以通过遵循自我设定的对话价值观，如“有空间就选择善意”，来引导自己的言行。

问题10：在文字信息中解决冲突是否有效？

如果双方足够成熟并互相信任，通过文字信息可以解决冲突。但通常情况下，打电话或面对面沟通会更有效，因为语气和声音能够传递更多情感。

Outlines

00:00

😡 如何应对复杂性格与冲突

本段讨论了最受观众和算法欢迎的视频内容，往往与冲突有关，尤其是处理有难度的性格如自恋型人格。作者分享了自己的谨慎态度，认为不能过度使用“自恋”这个词，因为它会被滥用。虽然这种话题吸引流量，但也可能让真正遭遇自恋者的人感到声音被掩盖。关键在于在与复杂性格的人互动时，需要保持自我，迅速识别何时退出对话，保护自己的心理健康。

05:02

😼 如何在操控性对话中保持自我

在面对带有操控性的对话时，保持静止而不被带动是关键。作者建议使用重复的短语，如“我有不同的看法”，来表明立场并避免被对方牵制。通过这种方法，可以让对方意识到他们的操控性企图无效，同时保持自己的内心稳定。作者还提到不必争取在每个问题上达成共识，学会接受分歧，并在合适的时间处理重要的对话。

10:04

⏳ 如何设定对话的框架与时间限制

本段介绍了通过在对话前设定框架来减少不确定性的重要性，尤其是在关系中进行困难的对话时。作者建议在对话开始前表达对彼此的尊重和关心，以减轻对方的焦虑感，并明确讨论的内容和范围。此外，作者提到可以为对话设定时间限制，让双方都有机会表达观点，避免对话时间过长而使对方感到沮丧或被忽视。

15:04

💡 如何识别不真诚的交流

本段探讨了识别对方是否真诚的一些线索。通常，眼神、语调和笑声等微小的细节可以透露出对方是否在掩饰真相。作者提到，如果对方的某些行为感觉不自然或者被强迫，可以要求他们重复刚刚说过的话，这样可以看出他们是否感到不适或者在掩饰某些东西。

Keywords

💡冲突驱动

冲突驱动是指那些内容因为涉及人际冲突而在算法或观众中更受欢迎。在视频中，讲述者提到，当讨论诸如与有争议的人物或困难性格的互动时，这类内容往往会获得更多关注，这表明观众对这些复杂话题的兴趣。

💡自恋

自恋是一种过度自我关注和缺乏同理心的行为模式。视频中提到讲述者不愿意频繁使用这个词，因为它已经过度使用，导致人们在不合适的情况下将别人贴上自恋者的标签，使真正与确诊自恋者互动的人的声音变得不那么响亮。

💡分辨力

分辨力指的是在复杂的情况下正确判断事物的能力。讲述者强调，在处理潜在的自恋者或其他具有挑战性的人时，保持分辨力是至关重要的，因为不加思索地给别人贴标签可能会误导自己的判断。

💡操纵

操纵是指通过歪曲事实或情境来控制他人行为的行为。视频中提到的操纵特别与自恋者的行为有关，他们可能会通过言语或行为操纵他人的情感，使他们质疑自己的现实感。

💡保持冷静

保持冷静是一种应对冲突时的关键策略，尤其是在面对具有挑衅性或操纵性的人时。讲述者提到，无论对方如何挑衅，保持冷静并重复自己的立场可以帮助个人在复杂对话中保持掌控感。

💡离开并不代表失败

离开并不代表失败意味着在面对挑战性对话或操纵时，选择离开并不表示自己输了，而是保全了自我和内心的平静。讲述者鼓励观众理解，离开是一种维护自我价值的胜利。

💡点头称是法

点头称是法是一种避免陷入对方设定的言语陷阱的策略，指通过重复简单的短语如“我有不同看法”来保持冷静。视频中，讲述者建议观众在面对挑衅时，通过坚持重复立场来避免被操纵。

💡时间与空间

时间与空间是指在复杂对话中为自己和对方创造足够的时间和心理空间，以便冷静思考和处理问题。讲述者提到，在紧张的对话中，保持适当的时间和空间可以避免情绪化反应，并帮助双方更有效地沟通。

💡设定对话框架

设定对话框架是一种在进入潜在冲突性对话前建立清晰界限和目标的策略。讲述者建议在开始对话时，首先声明最终的积极意图，比如“无论如何，我还是爱你”，这样可以减少不确定性，帮助双方更平静地讨论问题。

💡善意的价值观

善意的价值观是指在每次对话中选择坚持善意和积极的行为。讲述者强调，在任何对话中保持仁慈是他的一项核心价值观，这不仅帮助他应对挑战性对话，还能使他在艰难时刻依然展示出正面力量。

Highlights

Videos about dealing with difficult personalities, arguments, and narcissism tend to resonate more with the audience.

The creator avoids overusing the topic of narcissism, doing a video on it only every five or six weeks.

Narcissism has become an overexposed term, and many label someone as a narcissist quickly without discernment.

Walking away from a difficult conversation or a narcissist doesn't mean defeat; it can mean maintaining peace.

Narcissists often provoke or seek praise; understanding this can help manage interactions better.

Gaslighting can make one question their own reality, and it's important to stay grounded in self-love.

One way to counter manipulation is to calmly repeat key phrases like, 'I see things differently.'

Phrases like 'We can agree to disagree' can be effective but depend on how much the issue matters to the person.

It's helpful to ask if something needs immediate resolution or if it can wait, removing pressure from the situation.

Frame difficult conversations by stating that you still care about the person regardless of the outcome.

Setting boundaries and agreeing on time limits for each person to speak can make conversations more productive.

Smiling before a difficult conversation can help maintain positivity and confidence.

Conversational values, such as choosing kindness whenever possible, can guide behavior during difficult talks.

Body language and subtle cues, like tone or forced laughter, can indicate if someone is being inauthentic.

While text messages can sometimes resolve conflicts, phone calls are often better to convey tone and reduce misunderstandings.

Transcripts

which videos of yours seem to relate

most to your audience to the algorithm

to the people that follow you the ones

that are conflict driven so if you're

dealing with a bad argument you're

dealing with somebody who's narcissistic

you're dealing with somebody who has a

difficult

personality uh the the hard stuff the

ugly stuff the difficult Stuff how to

maneuver those types of things tend to

go tend to hit

more but I'm I'm hesitant to to talk too

much about narcissism I I'll do a video

about that like

every five weeks ago you know five six

weeks or so I just feel like it's too

much of a dynamite for some people you

know it's just some people that they

make it their whole page all about that

like we didn't even have this word I

feel like two years ago it's wasn't even

it wasn't even a real word so I gotta

gotta be careful too many people are

real quick to just paint somebody as a

narcissist just because they said

something they don't like so I'm very

very cautious uh about using that word

yeah it becomes desensitized now for the

people that actually are dealing with

somebody who's like a diagnosed

narcissist now their voice isn't heard

as loud because you know it's be it's

been the word's been so Overexposed I

don't think I've seen any DM from

somebody who just said you know hey I am

going through something with a regular

ex a nice ex of mine no it's always a

narcissistic ex every time it's whoever

is not in my life anymore or who is

anymore it's it's always a narcissist so

I I'm not going to say that they haven't

been diagnosed I'm just saying there is

a a sense of discernment you need to

come into that conversation with and for

somebody who has a lot of followers and

gives advice that's just all the more

responsibility to be very careful with

your words and so for for more difficult

scenarios like the one that you're

talking about harder conversations

people who are quote unquote

difficult is is it the same PlayBook

take the breath practice the

pause it's the same thing yeah it's it's

a lot of the same thing except you just

you know when to walk away very quickly

uh because their words can be much more

harmful um understanding that when

you're dealing with somebody who's a

narcissistic type it is a game in a

sense

they either want to provoke you or they

want the praise from you and there's a a

a line that that comes with that so it's

more of informing them when they're in

those situations and giving them a sense

of just because you walk away does not

mean you're a bad person just because

you need to step away from a

conversation does that does not mean

that you've

lost often that's it's You've Won you've

won that your peace of mind and what are

you walking away from or what are you

walking away with that's that's that's

the difference obviously in your line of

work it can be easy to feel manipulated

feel like your reality can be warped and

that maybe your truth isn't your truth

you question whether or not what you're

thinking is actually what's going on

because of just the Dynamics of a court

case or maybe what's another lawyer

might be saying to you or whatever and I

think this also happens a lot in these

more difficult conversations where

because of the words of somebody else

and what what they're saying to them

the person could have started out great

felt confident felt you know like they

had a level of self resect but now

they're like oh no like maybe is this

person right like am I really doing

those things how do how do you maintain

that balance to where you are able to

understand whether or

not somebody's words to you are actually

true and that you know you're not

questioning your own reality in that

situation

well that touches on the elements of

gaslighting right have somebody actually

coming in and trying to take advantage

of you by by distorting your sense of

reality and and

Truth what comes to mind is twofold

really you maintain that balance by

understanding who you are and loving who

you are often we want to look to other

people for that validation of of love

because we have a hard time loving

ourselves

and the more you are good with who you

are the more you're okay

with I'm okay if you misunderstand me

I'm okay you know if if that's what you

need to do you go do it I'll let you but

that doesn't mean that I'm going to take

down anything else that I have so

there's that that sense of loving who

you are the second end of that is to be

firm often when I talk about it in terms

of people who want to break up your

self-esteem who try to Gaslight you in

certain ways it's somewhat like the

laser pointer with a cat right they they

want to jump you from place to place to

place even though you get there and

there's no laser it's it's all just

distraction it's it's manipul it's man

manipulation in that sense you need to

stand still and be still one of the best

ways to do that is to use phrases that I

I teach

are I remember things

differently I see that

differently I I take another approach

you it's often just using and repeating

the same

phrases repeating means that you're

standing

still because they might bring something

up to you and you have that kneer

reaction and go that's not what happened

that's not what I said that's not true

well you're just jumping around to where

they want you and it's it's not where

that is versus if I just just repeat

what I said I see things differently

they want to distract you you just

repeat I see things differently you're

standing still it's like the person

who's not responding to that text you're

saying I got I got control over me and

that's the only person who does do you

think there's benefit to saying one of

one of the things I've used in the past

is like it's okay like you have your

truth I have my truth you have your

perception of reality I have my

perception of reality neither or right

or wrong but we're have to agree to

disagree on this like do you think that

saying something like that can be

effective or am I not being assertive

enough it depends on the situation you

know it depends how how much this person

matters to you often I like to use an

opening of is this something we have to

agree

on I use that a lot uh I say a lot I

mean I use that as a opening frequently

is is this something we have to agree on

almost always the answer is no because

then it it it Keys you the priority is

this is this something that matters is

this something we really want to fight

over the second answer is if it is

something you need to agree on the

question is is that something we need to

agree on now at this exact moment at

this at this exact second or if we wait

until tomorrow or next week it is the

world going to shut down and so it is a

um timing is a big aspect because often

people will try to push you into

conversations and the problem you fall

into is when you agree to get into the

ring when you're not ready you're tired

you're hungry you know you're not you're

not you haven't worked out that day you

have you have built up built up tension

you don't go into the match if you're

not prepared for it so often you're just

not ready so you need to you need to

make sure that when you are it's the

conversation happens on your schedule

not theirs and is there anything that

somebody can do beforehand before

entering into a a planned

discussion that may get heated like for

instance if people who are dating get

into some sort of argument they're like

let's take some space come back in an

hour two hours

whatever is there any kind any kind

of best practices for being able to make

sure you're coming together in a healthy

way what I uh try to tell people is use

a frame around the conversation you you

frame it which is somewhat similar to to

others who talk about this but is

calling your shot is what I say it like

a like an old baseball player you're

pointing into to the left field going

that's where we're going so right at the

beginning of the conversation

say I want you to know that before we

talk about this at the end of this

conversation that's key at the end of

this

conversation I still love you I still

care about you I still want to be

friends I still want to do this

and then you go into so here's what we

want to talk about so you make it very

short and concise of what you are to

talk about but what you're doing is

eliminating the

unknowns often somebody in a

conversation you have start to feel fear

of like if I say what I really want to

say am I gonna lose this person uh you

you remove that barrier when you say hey

we're I want to have a discussion with

you about X Y and Z but just know at the

end of it I'm still going to respect Who

You Are we're still going to choose to

love each other and it's like you're

getting their permission and their

acknowledgement and now they know the

parameters now they know the discussion

it's much harder when you go hey we need

to talk talk about what

anything you know how does it end who

knows yeah know that's that just that

all it does is bring anxiety of I have

no idea where we're going and so that's

what you're leaving an open pasture for

you just to roam that's the conversation

lasts forever because there's no fence

you just you're just going wherever it

goes and then you realize wow where did

this even start how did we even get to

this point so if you uh come in from a a

a frame you're GNA be much stronger

because you're giving people less

choices like if you're gonna like as a

kid you know pick out a pair of shoes if

you have like 30 shoes on the wall

you're going to take a whole lot more

time but if I give you two here's the

two subjects we want to talk about

whether that's much easier to digest and

then it makes conversations feel a lot

more productive once you've chosen one

you know you I know you probably don't

want to be overly um

structured with some of these

conversations especially if it's like in

a romantic setting but do you think that

there's benefit to having some sort of

time limit within that frame so that the

other person makes sure that they're

feeling heard too and they don't feel

like the other person who maybe is

setting the tone for the conversation is

taking up a bunch of time to talk and

then now you know an hour has gone by

somebody's got to go to work somebody's

got to take care of the kids whatever

the example is do you think there's

effect there's a is an effective way to

make sure that both

people can hear each other out yeah I I

mean one tactic is to say okay I'm gonna

let I'm giving you five minutes here's

my phone we're gonna agree you get five

minutes to say whatever you want to say

and I'm not going to say a word whatever

is on your mind about this

you get to say it all and then I get

five minutes and I get to say all that I

want and then at the end of it that's

the end of it we're not going to bring

it up again you know I mean you you get

to lay those parameters as as a couple

as a relationship of if that works for

you or not but what it does make sure is

of is you get to say what you want and

I'm not going to be defensive about it

we're both just gonna bent pour it out

get it out because often that's all you

needed to do anyway is just to get it

out how do you show up in convers ation

like what are some things what's your

body language like when you're getting

ready to sit down for an uncomfortable

discussion with somebody smile that's my

because it makes me happier it's not

really so much for them it's for me I

need I I I want to feel like I am at all

times positive confident and settled so

you have to think in your mind the

values you want to portray so there are

things called conversational values that

I'm a big proponent of that is every

time you get into a conversation what is

the value that you're wanting to stand

by like a company has their own values

they have their own brand that people

know them by because that is the

corporate message that they have sent

out for their company same way applies

to you as in your human body that I

apply my values what I want to be so one

of my values is where there is room for

kindness I will use it any time if

there's space anywhere in that

conversation for kindness I will choose

it period I don't care if they've been

ugly to me is there space for kindness

that's what I'm going to do then it's

not a question I don't have to think

about what I say I know that my value

drives my action so another one that I

have is if I can't be a bridge be a

lighthouse that's fine if they need to

if they need to go away from me if we

don't need to talk anymore that's fine

but you know what I'm still gonna be

I'm still going to be light I'm still

going to be positive I'm still going to

be somebody who you know is here in case

you need me so these values of

conversational values help you show up

more as you because these values align

with who you are as as a person so you

have to

think whatever I'm wanting to portray it

does not work unless it becomes you like

that's who I want to be in this

conversation I know we talked earlier

about like somebody who's portraying

this false sense of confidence they

you know overly charismatic they're just

talking loud you know for no for no

reason all these

things is there a way that the average

person could pick up of somebody's being

fake to them when somebody's just not

telling them the truth other than let's

just say that they're not overly

charismatic is there like I mean there

was that there used to be that thing

where if they look to the right or the

or something they weren't telling the

truth I don't know if that's that's

that's a a thing or not like what are

your thoughts on that yeah there's

thought there's ones of like if you look

a certain direction that means like

you're thinking or trying to find

information if you look another way

trying to hide it I don't I don't know

how valid that is but I know that

typically you can tell if somebody is

not being them their authentic authentic

self is if you can just sense it in the

little bitty

details so maybe it's the way their eye

looks right after they say something

maybe it's uh the way their inflection

is uh you know if you ask somebody a

question they go um yeah you know like

that that makes it sound like you're not

you're not nearly ass sure or maybe they

laugh a certain way that they typically

don't laugh like or something feels

forced it's often the the cue now this

that smile felt forced that laugh that

word that intonation in your voice felt

forced and if anytime it's forced it

means it's not natural and that that

just

feels that feels out of place um with

people one way often you can call out

that kind of behavior not really call it

out but inspect it a little closer is to

ask somebody to repeat what they said

that usually will because they have to

like oh I I gotta re okay now I got to

get in the mindset again now I got to

rehearse I just gave it to you okay now

I i' got to do it again and then you're

you're making them uh realize that

there's a a start contrast

in their behavior so that that happens

pretty frequently especially in in my

world in litigation do you think

conflict can be settled at all through

text messages or online messaging or do

you think with when it comes to

friendships professional relationships

romantic relationships it's always going

to be best to hop on the phone video

chat inperson meeting yeah I mean they

can be if you and the person are mature

and intelligent and give each other the

benefit of the doubt and not make you

know Mountain out of a mole hill but if

you're not or if you don't know each

other that

well always much wiser to just pick up

the phone let them hear your

voice U that makes a a a big

difference I I do it count I me I do it

all the time text text with my wife and

oof I got a response that felt very cold

um it anytime you get the K text just k

like oh well okay she they're ready to

destroy me you know my life is over I

just got a k or an m k an MK like

there's all different ways that we go oh

that doesn't sound that doesn't sound

good it depends on the person like my

dad my dad will just text okay to

anything really you you send him I just

know that's him and I'll call him and

he'll be like oh that's fantastic but

you know the text you got so it it just

depends on the person but yeah you're

never going to go wrong getting to hear

their voice and besides a lot of times

hearing your voice can make somebody's

day we we were we are meant to hear and

connect and speak as humans do it's not

good for humans not to talk to other

humans I was always there's that show I

forgot what it's called it's like they

go up they send them to Alaska for like

say spend a 100 days alone in Alaska

yeah I know what you're talking about

yeah and for and at first they love it

they're so excited they build their

shelter they're like oh yes I just you

know got I just harvested this uh rabbit

and I'm doing all this but by like 20

days they're like I haven't spoken to

anybody I miss my friends I miss hearing

people's

voices it's it's the loneliness that

gets them it's not their capability I I

was just found found that really

interesting