How To Take Criticism Without Getting Defensive

Summary

This transcript discusses the importance of handling criticism without becoming defensive. It emphasizes that defensiveness can validate accusations, even if untrue. The speaker suggests reframing criticism as feedback, which is merely someone's opinion and not a fact. They advise considering feedback as information about the critic's perception, which can be valuable for self-reflection without needing to agree or change. The speaker also encourages responding with gratitude for the feedback, positioning oneself powerfully and maintaining control over the situation.

Takeaways

• 🛡️ Defensiveness can validate accusations, even if they're not true, by giving the impression that you're trying to hide something.
• 🗣️ Criticism is often just someone expressing their opinion, not a fact, so it's important to distinguish between the two to avoid unnecessary defensiveness.
• 🤔 When receiving criticism, consider that it says more about the person giving the opinion than it does about you.
• 🔄 Reframing criticism as feedback can help you take it less personally and view it as information rather than an attack.
• 💡 Feedback provides insight into how others perceive you, which can be valuable for self-reflection and personal growth.
• 🧠 It's beneficial to pause and consider the reasons behind someone's perception of you, rather than immediately becoming defensive.
• 🤝 Acknowledging feedback with a 'thank you' can put you in a position of strength and control over the situation.
• 💭 The intention behind criticism is less important than how you choose to receive and process it; viewing it as feedback can be empowering.
• 🔑 Saying 'thank you' for feedback can be a powerful response that shifts the dynamic and shows maturity in handling criticism.
• 🌟 Embracing the principles of handling criticism as feedback can help you move forward with purpose and maintain a positive outlook.

Q & A

Why does defensiveness validate an accusation according to the script?

Defensiveness validates an accusation because when someone is accused of something and they become defensive, it inadvertently signals to the accuser that they might be correct, even if the accused is not guilty. This reaction can give the impression that the person is trying to hide something.

How does the script suggest reframing criticism as something less personal?

The script suggests reframing criticism as an opinion rather than a fact, which allows the recipient to see it less personally and not feel the need to respond as if it's an attack.

What is the difference between facts and opinions as discussed in the script?

Facts are objective and verifiable pieces of information, while opinions are subjective views or judgments that vary from person to person. The script emphasizes that criticism is often an expression of opinion, not fact.

How does the script explain that criticism can reveal more about the critic than the person being criticized?

The script explains that criticism is often a reflection of the critic's own perceptions and experiences. It suggests that what others think about you is more about them than it is about you, indicating that their opinion is their business and not necessarily a reflection of your true self.

What alternative view of criticism does the script propose?

The script proposes viewing criticism as feedback, which is simply information about the person giving the feedback. This perspective helps to avoid becoming defensive and allows for a more objective consideration of the criticism.

How can feedback be used to improve oneself according to the script?

Feedback can be used to reflect on one's behavior and how it is perceived by others. It can provide insights into how one presents themselves in the world and potentially lead to self-improvement without necessarily agreeing with the feedback.

What is the significance of saying 'Thank you' when receiving criticism as suggested in the script?

Saying 'Thank you' when receiving criticism acknowledges the feedback and positions the recipient in a stronger, more composed state. It also communicates that the feedback is being taken into consideration, which can be empowering.

Why is it important not to be too quick to own criticism according to the script?

It's important not to be too quick to own criticism because it's crucial to differentiate between facts and opinions. Owning criticism too quickly might mean accepting someone else's opinion as a fact about oneself, which may not be accurate.

How does the script suggest handling criticism that is intended to be hurtful?

The script suggests that even if criticism is intended to be hurtful, it's still beneficial to consider it as feedback. The worst reaction is defensiveness, and by considering it as feedback, one can maintain a stronger position.

What is the role of metacognition in handling criticism as discussed in the script?

Metacognition, or thinking about one's own thinking, plays a role in handling criticism by allowing the individual to pause and reflect on the feedback. This process can lead to a deeper understanding of why the feedback was given and how it relates to one's own behavior.

What final advice does the script give for dealing with criticism?

The script advises to say 'Thank you' for the feedback and to consider it as valuable information. It also encourages the listener to be in charge of their reactions and to move forward with purpose, using the principles discussed to navigate criticism effectively.

Outlines

00:00

🔍 Overcoming Defensiveness to Criticism

This paragraph discusses the natural tendency to become defensive when criticized and the importance of overcoming this reaction. Defensiveness can inadvertently validate accusations, even if they are unfounded. The speaker emphasizes that criticism is often just an expression of someone's opinion, not a fact, and should be taken less personally. The key insight is that people's opinions say more about them than about the person being criticized. By reframing criticism as feedback, individuals can view it as valuable information about another person's perspective, which can be used for self-reflection without feeling the need to be defensive.

05:02

🤔 Transforming Criticism into Constructive Feedback

The second paragraph delves deeper into the idea of treating criticism as feedback. It suggests that feedback is information about the person giving it, rather than an absolute truth about oneself. The speaker encourages the audience to consider the feedback, question their own behaviors that might have led to such perceptions, and use this as an opportunity for self-improvement. The speaker also advises against immediate defensive reactions and instead promotes gratitude, suggesting that saying 'thank you' for the feedback can empower the individual and provide a valuable perspective on how they are perceived by others. The main takeaway is that feedback, even if intended as criticism, can be a tool for personal growth when approached with an open mind.

Keywords

💡Defensiveness

Defensiveness is an automatic emotional response to perceived criticism or threat, often manifesting as denial, anger, or justification. In the context of the video, it is depicted as a counterproductive reaction that can inadvertently validate accusations, even if they are unfounded. The speaker emphasizes that defensiveness can signal to others that there might be truth to their claims, which is why it's crucial to manage this response when receiving criticism.

💡Criticism

Criticism refers to the act of expressing disapproval or pointing out faults. The video discusses how criticism is often perceived as negative and can trigger defensive reactions. However, the speaker suggests reframing criticism as feedback, which can be more constructively received and used for self-improvement.

💡Opinions

Opinions are personal beliefs or judgments that are not necessarily based on facts. The video highlights the distinction between facts and opinions, noting that criticism often reflects the critic's opinion rather than objective truth. This understanding can help individuals to detach personally and respond less defensively to criticism.

💡Validation

Validation in the video refers to the act of confirming or supporting the truth or value of something. The speaker points out that becoming defensive can validate an accusation by giving the impression that the criticism has merit, even if it does not.

💡Feedback

Feedback is information received about one's actions or performance. The video encourages viewers to consider criticism as feedback, which can provide insights into how others perceive them. This perspective allows for a more objective analysis of the criticism and can lead to personal growth.

💡Accusation

An accusation is a claim that someone has done something wrong or illegal. The video discusses how defensiveness can validate accusations, suggesting that a non-defensive response can prevent the perception that there is substance to the claims being made against someone.

💡Personal Growth

Personal growth refers to the process of self-improvement and development. The video implies that by receiving criticism non-defensively and considering it as feedback, individuals can foster personal growth by reflecting on and adjusting their behaviors.

💡Metacognition

Metacognition is the ability to think about one's own thinking processes. The video suggests that by engaging in metacognition, individuals can analyze their reactions to criticism and potentially alter their responses in a way that is more beneficial to their personal development.

💡Perception

Perception is the way in which individuals interpret and make sense of information from their environment. The video notes that criticism is often a reflection of the critic's perception, which may not align with one's own self-understanding. Recognizing this can help in managing defensive reactions.

💡Thank You

In the video, saying 'Thank you' is presented as a powerful response to criticism. It positions the individual as open to feedback and in control of the situation, turning what could be a negative interaction into an opportunity for positive engagement.

💡Behavior

Behavior refers to the way in which one acts or conducts oneself. The video suggests that criticism can provide information about one's behavior as perceived by others, which can be valuable for self-reflection and adjustment if necessary.

Highlights

Defensiveness validates accusations, which can make you seem guilty even if you're not.

Criticism is often an expression of someone's opinion, not a fact.

Opinions are personal and don't necessarily reflect on your true character.

Criticism can be reframed as feedback, which is simply information about another person's opinion.

Feedback provides insight into how others perceive you, which can be valuable for self-reflection.

When receiving criticism, consider what aspects of your behavior might be causing that perception.

Criticism can be a tool for self-improvement if you view it as feedback rather than an attack.

The opinion of others about you is not your business; it's their opinion and their business.

Instead of being defensive, consider the feedback as a chance to learn about how you're perceived.

Criticism can be redefined as feedback, which is information about the person giving the feedback.

Thanking someone for their feedback positions you in a powerful place, showing you're in control of the situation.

Even if criticism is intended to hurt, responding with non-defensiveness can still be beneficial.

Saying 'thank you' for feedback can be a powerful response that catches the critic off guard.

Feedback is valuable and should always be considered, even if it's not always agreed with or acted upon.

Understanding these principles can help you move forward on purpose and with intention.

Transcripts

Have you ever wondered how to take criticism without getting defensive?

Defensiveness is one of those things that come so naturally. But there's some

ways to overcome it. Why? Why would you want to learn how to handle criticism

without being defensive? One good reason that I'll put out right

at the front here. Defensiveness validate accusation. Think about what I'm saying.

Defensiveness validates accusation. If someone's accusing you of something and

you become all defensive, it validates the accusation. It tells them, "Oh yeah,

you're onto something here. You've hit a soft spot here. You've got me." Right? Even

if you're not guilty, the defensiveness tends to give that feeling that you're

guilty. Because you're trying to cover it up, alright? Yeah, why are you being so

defensive? Must have something to hide? So, the whole why behind this I think is

important right up front. Defensiveness validates accusation. Now, let's look at a

different piece of this because everyone has an opinion, right?

I heard long ago that opinions are kind of like armpits. Everybody has them and

they all stink. Well does your opinion stink? Not necessarily. But there's a

difference between facts and opinions. And really the one that we're more

familiar with is opinion because everybody's got them. When someone

criticizes you, what they're doing is expressing their opinion, not fact. If you

take it as fact, then you might be more likely to be defensive. So, let's start

out by just reframing that in a way that allows us to see it less personally and

realize that it is simply an opinion. Everybody has one and we don't have to

respond to that as if it's an attack. So in our own mind

now, it's simply listening to someone's opinion instead of debating or disputing

a particular fact or point of fact. Now, when someone shares their opinion with

you. here's another insight that helps us to

handle it in a way that we don't become defensive. Really, they're telling us more

about them than they are telling us about ourselves. Their opinion is just

that, it's their opinion. I had a buddy who used to say it this way, "What other

people think about you is not your business." That's helpful. It's their opinion, it's

their business, it's not about you. It's really more about them than it is about

you. Do you see the defensiveness starting to melt away already?

Okay. Along these same lines, let's take a look at this concept. Feedback. Feedback

is a word that means you're getting input back from something that you're

interacting with. So, in the case of criticism, what if you were to think of

criticism as feedback rather than criticism or attacking. Well, you don't

have to be defensive about feedback, it's simply information. Information about

what? Information about that person's opinion. It may or may not be about you.

At least not as much as you think it might be. So, let's say that someone tells

you, "You're so sensitive." As if that's a bad thing.

I think sensitivity might be a really great thing to have. But let's say that

it's kind of said that way. "Oh, you're being so sensitive." Alright. Feedback.

Feedback. It's information. It's information about

what? It's information about the person who's giving you the feedback? We could

easily interpret it to mean, "My experience of you is that you

are sensitive." Okay? Or "I experience you to be sensitive." Now, I add the experience

piece in there because really that's all they have. They have their own

perceptions. They don't know you. They don't know you as well as you know you.

They're not inside of you, they don't know what operates you. So, they can't

really say that you're sensitive as a fact. They're offering it as an opinion.

My experience of you is that you're sensitive. Okay, as feedback, I can take

that information in. Oh, that person experiences me to be sensitive. Hmm. And

now, I get to think about it, right? -Hmm. I wonder what it is about me that has them

experiencing me as sensitive? Okay, disclaimer. Nobody thinks like this. I'm a

psychologist, right? And so, I'm getting into all of the metacognition and

thinking about our thinking. I think it's helpful though for you to just pause and

take a look at that for a minute. What if you were to process it more

along those lines? Oh, I'm getting feedback that I'm sensitive, hmm.

Think about it. What is it about me or my behavior that might have that person

experiencing me as being sensitive, okay? Because maybe it doesn't fit inside of

me. And I don't think I'm sensitive the way they think. But instead of being

defensive, simply taking it in as information and I'm asking another

question. At that point I might come up with some pretty brilliant stuff, right?

Like, "Oh, I get it. I reacted in this way to that

circumstance and that has them experiencing me as being sensitive." Even

though in the back of my head I'm thinking I'm not really that sensitive.

Okay, well is that helpful information? Sure,

potentially. It doesn't mean that I need to be defensive, it doesn't even mean

that I need to change anything. It might simply inform

me about what behaviors I have. How I'm showing up in this world that has

people experiencing me in any particular way. So, I use the word sensitive. What if

they say, "Oh, you're such a jerk." Okay, I can get defensive about that which means,

"Yeah, I think you're right. Let me see if I can fight you on that point." No. I don't

want to get defensive. Defensiveness validates accusation. So, instead I see it

as feedback. Feedback is information. Information about who? Oh it's more about

them than it is about me. Okay, interesting. That person is experiencing

me as being a jerk. What is it about me or my behavior that might have them

experiencing me that way. Oh yeah, I kind of cussed at him the

other day, hmm. Okay, I can kind of see how they would come up with that. See, I'm not

agreeing that I'm a jerk. I'm simply inventory my own behavior and that's

useful. The information we get is feedback. So that may be the most

important thing from this whole video. Criticism can be redefined as feedback.

Feedback is simply information about the person giving the feedback. That triggers

some helpful questions in our own mind so that we can check out how we're

showing up. Don't be too quick to own it. Because facts and opinions are not the

same thing even though they're very similar in appearance sometimes. 2 more

quick ideas before we wrap up. What if they really intended to criticize you?

It's not meant as feedback. Well yeah, sometimes that's the case. I think you're

still in a better, stronger position if you consider it as feedback. Even if it's

intended to cut you down. It's still the worst thing that you can do is

defensiveness. And then here's another little piece. Say "Thank you." I know, weird

huh? Instead of getting defensive, remind yourself, practice this. Say thank you. For

what? For the feedback. Feedback is valuable. It should always be considered.

Not necessarily consumed or inhaled, okay? But consider it because it's valuable

information that might inform you well as you move forward in your other

relationships. So, say thank you. And you might follow that up with something like,

"Thank you for that feedback. I will certainly consider it." Alright, they're

not expecting that, they're going to look at you kind of weird. But what kind of a

powerful positions that puts you in. You're in charge of this. You've got this.

"Thank you for your feedback." That's powerful. I love the way understanding

these principles helps us to move forward on purpose. Honored to be on your

team. I'll see you tomorrow.