Why You Fall In Love So Easily
Summary
TLDRThe video script delves into limerence, a psychological state of deep obsession with a fantasy version of a person. It contrasts limerence with genuine love, highlighting the importance of distinguishing between idealized fantasies and real connections. The narrator shares personal experiences and offers advice on breaking the cycle of infatuation by building self-worth and embracing real, imperfect relationships.
Takeaways
- 😎 The script discusses limerence, a psychological state of deep obsession with a fantasy about another person.
- 🔎 Limerence is distinguished from love by the lack of a solid reason for the infatuation and the creation of an idealized image of the person.
- 👤 The script suggests that limerence can stem from emotional neglect or past trauma, leading to a desire for a fantasy love that feels safe.
- 💺 A sponsored segment promotes a chair that supports good posture and comfort,寓意着 physical well-being is essential for emotional health.
- 🌟 The narrator shares personal experiences with limerence, highlighting the impact of childhood experiences and self-worth on romantic fantasies.
- 📝 The importance of introspection and journaling is emphasized to understand the root causes of limerence and to challenge inaccurate beliefs about potential partners.
- 💪 Building self-worth and self-love is presented as a way to break the cycle of limerence by fulfilling the needs one seeks in others.
- 🔄 The script encourages transforming learned behaviors by acknowledging and changing one's approach to relationships and self-perception.
- 🤝 True love and intimacy are presented as difficult but rewarding, requiring vulnerability, communication, and acceptance of another's flaws.
- 🔄 The process of overcoming limerence involves self-reflection, self-improvement, and a shift towards building real connections based on mutual understanding and respect.
Q & A
What is the main topic discussed in the script?
-The main topic discussed in the script is limerence, which is a state of profound deep obsession with a fantasy one has about another person.
How does the speaker describe the girl who noticed his tattoo?
-The speaker describes the girl as someone who might be 'the one' because she noticed his tattoo and showed interest in the character it represents without dismissing the manga aspect.
What is the psychological term for the phenomenon where someone obsesses over a fantasy of another person?
-The psychological term for this phenomenon is 'limerence'.
Why does the speaker believe limerence can be harmful?
-The speaker believes limerence can be harmful because it leads to an inaccurate depiction of another person and can significantly impact one's life negatively if it continues.
What is the difference between limerence and love according to the script?
-Limerence is an obsession with a fantasy of a person, while love involves seeing and accepting the person for who they truly are with all their insecurities, flaws, and differences.
How does the speaker suggest one can tell if they are in a state of limerence?
-The speaker suggests that one can tell if they are in a state of limerence by paying attention to their emotional and physical state when they are fantasizing about the person and whether the idea of that person elevates them above humanity.
What role does self-worth play in the development of limerence according to the script?
-In the script, self-worth plays a significant role in the development of limerence, as people with low self-esteem may be more likely to create fantasies to protect themselves from potential emotional trauma.
What is the first step the speaker recommends to stop the limerence cycle?
-The first step the speaker recommends is to acknowledge and accept when one is in a state of limerence and to do introspection on the feelings and reasons behind creating a fantasy of a person.
How does the speaker suggest building self-worth to combat limerence?
-The speaker suggests building self-worth by being the parent and partner one wished they always had, showing oneself love by changing views on failures, self-care, and transforming negative beliefs into positive ones.
What is the importance of communication in a healthy relationship according to the script?
-According to the script, communication is crucial in a healthy relationship as it allows both parties to express their wants and needs, and to meet those needs through mutual understanding and effort.
What does the speaker suggest as a way to prevent quickly jumping into infatuation with someone new?
-The speaker suggests getting to know a person for a few months to form an accurate view of them before considering them as a potential partner, and to appreciate what one loves about them instead of focusing on what they do not meet one's expectations.
Outlines
🖋️ Tattoo Conversation Sparks Limerence
The paragraph details a conversation that leads to a discussion about limerence, a psychological state of deep obsession with a fantasy about another person. The speaker shares an experience where a girl's interest in his tattoo leads him to fantasize about a potential relationship, highlighting the tendency to idealize someone based on minimal interaction. The paragraph emphasizes the difference between limerence and genuine love, explaining that limerence is an infatuation with an imagined version of a person rather than who they truly are.
💺 The Comfort of Self-Love Over Limerence
This section transitions from discussing limerence to promoting a chair from the see who brand, suggesting that investing in a comfortable chair is crucial for health and well-being, especially when spending long hours sitting. The speaker shares personal preferences for the chair's features, such as adjustable armrests and a soft, self-adaptive lumbar support, emphasizing the importance of proper back and arm support for posture and energy levels. A discount code is offered for viewers interested in purchasing the chair.
🌟 Breaking the Cycle of Limerence
The speaker delves into the reasons behind limerence, often stemming from childhood neglect or past emotional traumas. They share a personal narrative of developing limerence due to a lack of self-worth and confidence. The paragraph discusses the importance of acknowledging and understanding the roots of limerence to break the cycle. The speaker suggests introspection and self-improvement as ways to build self-worth and move away from the fantasy of ideal partners, recommending journaling and self-care practices to foster self-love and real, healthy relationships.
🔗 Building Healthy Relationships Beyond Limerence
The final paragraph emphasizes the importance of moving past limerence to form genuine, healthy relationships. It suggests taking time to truly know someone before idealizing them and encourages open communication and acceptance of each other's imperfections within a relationship. The speaker shares their journey of overcoming limerence and building self-worth, which led to less dependency on others for completion. The paragraph concludes with a call to action for viewers to work on themselves and their relationships, and a reminder to check out a playlist for more videos on forming healthy relationships.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Limerence
💡Fantasy
💡Manga
💡Self-worth
💡Emotional Neglect
💡Vulnerability
💡Communication
💡Infatuation
💡Emotionally Unavailable
💡Self-love
💡Fan Fiction
Highlights
A person's tattoo of a character from the manga 'Berserk' sparks a conversation about shared interests.
The speaker shares his excitement about meeting a girl who might be a fellow manga enthusiast, hinting at a potential romantic interest.
The concept of limerence is introduced, describing it as an intense infatuation with a fantasy version of someone.
The speaker reflects on his past experiences with limerence, detailing how he created idealized images of girls he barely knew.
A comparison is made between limerence and love, emphasizing the difference between fantasizing and genuine emotional connection.
The speaker discusses how limerence can stem from a desire for emotional security and a fear of being hurt.
A personal anecdote is shared about the speaker's experience with limerence during his teenage years and its impact on his self-worth.
The importance of recognizing and accepting limerence as a fantasy is highlighted as a first step towards emotional health.
The speaker suggests journaling as a method for introspection to understand the root causes of limerence.
A call to action is made for individuals to build self-worth and challenge the fantasy narratives they create about potential partners.
The video includes a product placement for an office chair, emphasizing the importance of physical comfort and health.
The speaker provides practical advice on how to transform limerence into a healthier approach to relationships.
A discussion on the importance of communication and accepting imperfections in relationships is presented.
The video concludes with encouragement for viewers to overcome limerence and build real, lasting connections with others.
A thank you note is extended to patrons, and a call to action for viewers to check out related content on building healthy relationships.
Transcripts
foreign
hey that's a cool tattoo who is that oh
thank you this is guts from the berserk
manga have you read it before no I know
I haven't but uh it looks cool though
appreciate it
dude I'm telling you this girl might be
the one all right just give me the run
down real quick all right so she was
walking by me then she noticed my tattoo
my arm and she said that's a cool tattoo
and she asked me who it was yes and I
explained the character to her and she
thought it was cool and she didn't say
anything about what manga was so she
must be a margarita herself and you know
how long I've been looking for someone
who's a manga reader dude this might be
my future wife does this story sound
familiar if it does then it's likely
that you too have fantasized and planned
out an entire life with a girl whom
you've only exchanged a few words with
and you might not see it as that big of
a problem right now but this type of
behavior will significantly impact your
life in a negative way if it continues
have you ever put thought into why you
get so infatuated with a woman in the
first place I mean I can tell you from
my experience that I certainly didn't
when I'd cycle through the next girl
that could potentially be the one in my
head when I was in high school there was
this one girl a grade below me who I
would see in the Halls every now and
again it wasn't that I was overly
attracted to her physical appearance but
something about the way that she carried
herself gave off a sort of I'll be
gentle and listen to you Aura and it
definitely piques my interest but this
was just the start of a several
month-long infatuation I had with this
woman this phenomenon is what is known
as limerence in the field of psychology
it's the state of profound deep
obsession with a fantasy you have about
another person in your mind now you
might be everything to yourself well
Cole isn't that how all crushes work if
you really like someone then you're
going to be thinking about them when
they're not around you but there's a
couple key differences we can use in
order to distinguish between whether you
genuinely love someone or you're just in
a state of limerence I still remember
the things that I told myself about who
this girl in the great below me was like
she was cute but not too in your face
cute like she wanted everyone to notice
her the subtleness of her cuteness only
added to her attraction she always
seemed to have a smile on her face when
she was talking to others which
indicated to me that she was a giver she
prioritized the well-being of others
over herself and nurtured her
relationships and she definitely wasn't
the most popular girl in school but she
didn't seem to care because she was
confident in herself and she knew that
she was exactly where she needed to be
this was one of those rare cases where
the girl didn't even give me any
attention and yet I was still able to
conceive an entire personality for her
based on a few brief glances and that's
the first distinction between love and
limerence limerence is the kind of love
at first sight feeling that doesn't have
a sound enough reason to back up this
idea of the person you've created and
the person that you are infatuated with
is an idea of the person that fits who
you'd like that person to be rather than
who the person actually is another good
way to phrase this that I've heard
before is that limerence is to love what
masturbation is to sex it may feel like
the real thing but what you're doing is
really just creating some sort of
fantasy scenario that doesn't actually
exist in the real world I wanted to see
if my speculations about this girl were
correct so I started to check if she had
a social media presence and I found that
she had a Facebook but no Instagram from
this I concluded that she must not care
about having a lot of followers on
social media I thought to myself she
must really not need to show off or care
about others attention it's just like I
had suspected from the start of course I
could have never known if this was
actually true or not because I never
even talked to her but I used my
preconceived beliefs about what it meant
to not have an Instagram to create a
story that would match what I already
wanted to believe was true about her and
so my fantasy started to gain more fuel
the feeling of this inaccurate depiction
of her induced a sense of lightness and
safety in me and every time I saw her in
the Halls this feeling intensified this
is the second way you can distinguish
between limerence and love when you
start the process of identifying whether
you love the idea of a person or who
that person is in reality how does that
idea make you feel pay attention to your
emotional and physical state when you're
in that fantasy what most people report
is that when they see the person whom
they are infatuated with that person
will have a sort of glow about them
which almost elevates them above
Humanity kind of like a visual
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now as I've described so far figuring
out whether you love the idea of a
person versus who that person actually
is in real life is fairly easy to
quantify but perhaps what is more
important and usually more difficult but
necessary for the healing process is
understanding why this phenomenon is
happening to you in the first place as I
continue to admire this girl from afar
the stories of how our potential
relationship could look started to
intensify I imagine us together bonding
over our favorite TV show in a coffee
shop and when I'd be in the middle of
explaining one of my favorite scenes
she'd keep her eye contact as she
reached across the table to grab my hand
we'd end the day by laying in a field in
the park near my house and I'd feel
completely and utterly safe like nothing
could ever hurt me again when I look
back at this story I was creating it's
easy to tell why it happened up until
that point in my life I had never felt
like anyone truly cared about my wants
and needs I was a young kid who had
never had a girlfriend despite having
many crushes and I completely lacked any
sort of self-worth or confidence if you
two have had teachers and peers neglect
your emotional needs and you didn't feel
safe secure and acknowledged in your
everyday life this is more than likely
to develop and the reason it develops
this way is because you're trying to
protect yourself from any future trauma
by putting yourself in a fantasy of
Future Love rather than in the difficult
situation of an actual relationship of
love as I went through the first half of
my teenage years I'd continue to have
these bouts of limerence only to have
them suddenly wear off when the idea of
who I thought the girl was got shattered
but finally that young 15 year old Cole
got himself into a relationship and what
once could be viewed from a distance and
fantasized about was now in much closer
proximity on a daily basis still though
I was somehow able to convince myself
that my girlfriend was different I
depended on her for my worth as a man
and I had a strong Vision as to who I
thought she was then as we went off to
college everything came crashing down
she ended up dumping me over the phone
which I didn't even consider to be a
possibility at the time and I later
found out she had cheated on me multiple
times I had finally given in to pursuing
a woman past the fantasy I had of her
and I got hurt very badly because of it
so when I found out that she wasn't who
I thought she was I unconsciously
decided that from now on it would be
best to get infatuated with a woman who
was emotionally unavailable or distant
it was my way of protecting myself from
getting hurt again by living in that
Fantasy Realm but the ironic thing about
all that is it was only a
self-perpetuating cycle of more harm
because I was so attracted to
emotionally unavailable women my
infatuation would always be one-sided
and I'd get hurt again and again so you
see limerence doesn't just develop from
childhood neglect it can also develop if
you go through situations in which you
get hurt by the reality of life with
that reality being that life is hard and
many people are gonna make you feel like
you're worthless and if you don't yet
know how to handle that each new
potential crush or relationship you
start to approach will be shrouded by
the fantasy of a partner who could never
hurt you or do no wrong and as soon as
they do something that goes against that
idea of who you want them to be in your
head it causes an uproar emotional
volatility and you think to yourself
alright well on to the next one the
truth is real true love and intimacy is
difficult it requires you to bring the
person down to your level and see them
with all of their insecurities flaws and
differences and not who you want them to
be many of us think we want real
connections when we really don't we're
afraid to be vulnerable communicate our
wants in a healthy way take
responsibility for our actions and not
project onto our partner if you've never
experienced unconditional love in your
life then what I just listed off here
might be the most terrifying thing you
can think of because it puts you in a
state of potentially getting your heart
broken and having that fantasy world
destroyed and yeah that is really scary
but it's so much more fulfilling and
healthier than living in a daydream
fueled by your traumatic past so what
can you do to stop this vicious
limerence cycle of falling for the idea
of someone who you think will give you
unconditional love that you desperately
want but have never had well the first
step is to acknowledge and accept when
you are in a state of limerence you now
have a good idea of what the signs of
limerence look like so the next time it
happens acknowledge that you are in fact
in a Fantasy Realm and that your
assumptions and expectations are not
rooted in reality when this happens you
should do your own introspection on
everything you are feeling at that
moment and why you think you are
creating this idea of this person in the
first place take some time to journal
what limerence feels like to you from
the thoughts you have to the emotions
that arise to the physical Sensations
that come up and most importantly write
down what it is about this person that
you're so attracted to and whether it
accurately depicts the reality of this
person or not now once you have a good
idea of what this feels like reflect
back on your younger years did you feel
emotionally neglected growing up were
you abandoned by anyone and now you're
trying to find the idea of a person to
replace that abandonment or did you
simply just feel totally incompetent and
unworthy and thought you'd be incomplete
unless you met the fantasy of the person
you created be honest and easy with
yourself in this process it's not your
fault that these things happen to you
there's probably nothing you could do
and now after you've done all that you
can start the process of transforming
this learned behavior what I did when I
started to look at the type of women I
was attracted to and why this developed
was begin the process of building up my
own self-worth by basically being the
parent and partner I wished I always had
that idea of the person in your Fantasy
Realm that embodies all the
characteristics you're looking for in a
relationship it can actually be found
within yourself through enough
acceptance and action so I decided to
list out all the things I was looking
for in my fantasy partner someone who
supports my Endeavors encourages me to
never give up even when times are tough
cares for me and does nice things for me
doesn't yell at me when I do something
wrong but instead communicates it in a
healthy way and really truly loves me
the more that they get to know me and
then I started to ask myself what can I
start doing in my everyday life to give
those things to myself so I started
showing myself that I do in fact Love
Myself by changing the way I viewed my
failures and rejections and instead
seeing them as just a stepping stone to
get better I started cooking meals for
myself and taking myself out to dinner I
did the things that someone who loved
themselves would do like create a
purpose work on it get consistent
exercise good sleep and hygiene and I
would write down every negative belief I
had about myself in a journal cross that
out and transform it into a newer
more accurate and beneficial belief and
I would remind myself of that new belief
every single day and I started to tell
myself that it was okay to not be
perfect and it was okay that other
people aren't perfect and we all have
insecurities and things we don't like
about ourselves and that is fine
eventually I got to the point where I
felt like I didn't need another person
to complete me and my infatuation for
other women occasionally it just went
away almost completely because I knew
that what I was trying to get this
person to fulfill for me was already
fulfilled and I say this is almost went
away because honestly this is not
perfect and I still sometimes catch
myself creating some sort of Ideal for
my current partner but it is certainly
much better than when I was younger
before you start to think the next
person who gives you any ounce of
attention or just looks a certain way is
the one give yourself at least a few
months to get to know them in order to
form an accurate view of them and when
you do actually get into a relationship
or if you're in one right now you must
accept the fact that real connection
means that people are not always going
to do what you want them to do when that
happens instead of thinking to yourself
This doesn't match up with who I thought
they were so I'm gonna make this into a
huge thing you need to express
appreciation for what you do love about
what they do instead of just simply
expecting them to figure it out or
expecting that they should have known
because a healthy loving relation ship
is built upon trusting that the other
person will not judge you for
communicating your wants and needs and
having both parties learn to meet those
needs to the best of their ability
through that communication it is way
less idealistic fantasy-like and safe
feeling but a long lasting relationship
filled with actual love and not
limerence can be built when you start to
do all of these things and trust me from
my experience I can tell you that it
feels a hell of a lot better than
limerence once it is built you might
need to re-watch this video several
times to get this concept and plan of
action to really stick in your head and
do something about it but if my overly
romanticized ass can do it then you can
do it too
[Music]
thank you very much to all my patrons on
patreon if you don't know what this is
It's a platform separate from YouTube
where I put out exclusive content you
can check that out by clicking the link
in the description do not forget to
check out the see who chair that I
mentioned earlier that's the first link
in the description below and if you are
looking for more videos about how to
form healthy relationships check out my
playlist right here help you a lot and
I'm heading out peace
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