10 Tools To Deal with Limerence

Summary

In this video, certified coach and counselor Fenna shares practical tools to overcome limerence—an obsessive emotional state where a person feels consumed by infatuation or obsession. With insights from her own recovery, Fenna offers 10 actionable strategies, including using your adult brain, embracing self-compassion, enduring the pain, and setting boundaries. By focusing on personal growth and recovery, Fenna empowers viewers to break free from the addictive cycle of limerence and regain control over their emotions and decisions.

Takeaways

• 😀 **Use Your Grown-Up Brain**: Tap into your rational, adult self to make decisions. Ask yourself, 'What would I advise a friend in this situation?'
• 😀 **Time as Your Compass**: Track your progress over time. If you feel better now than you did weeks ago, trust that recovery is happening.
• 😀 **Focus on Your Goals**: When doubts arise, ask yourself if your actions align with your long-term goals (e.g., being a better parent, improving your mental health).
• 😀 **Honor Your Self-Respect**: Always ask if your actions are in line with your self-respect. This helps guide your decisions when tempted to break no contact.
• 😀 **Endure the Pain**: Understand that grief and emotional pain are part of the healing process. Allow yourself to grieve and endure the pain as you detach.
• 😀 **Acknowledge the Addiction**: Recognize that limerence is a form of addiction. Understanding this allows you to detach from the obsessive thoughts and behaviors.
• 😀 **Externalize the 'Little Devil'**: Address the obsessive, irrational thoughts as if speaking to an external 'devil' or 'limerent voice.' Acknowledge it but don't follow its lead.
• 😀 **Use the Mantra**: Remind yourself, 'This person deregulates me, therefore I cannot have contact.' This mantra helps you stay strong in moments of temptation.
• 😀 **Delay Gratification**: If you're tempted to break no contact, allow yourself to wait. Often, the craving will subside after a short delay, helping you maintain your boundaries.
• 😀 **Practice Self-Compassion**: Be kind to yourself. Acknowledge the pain of limerence, but remember it’s a natural process, and healing takes time. You're not alone in this journey.

Q & A

What is limerence, and how does it affect people emotionally?

Limerence is a state of obsessive emotional attachment to another person, characterized by intrusive thoughts, intense longing, and idealization. It leads to emotional confusion, as individuals may feel torn between rationality and the overwhelming cravings driven by limerence, which can make them act in self-destructive ways.

How can awareness help when dealing with limerence?

Awareness creates choice. By recognizing the influence of limerence and its addictive nature, individuals can make conscious decisions to counteract its effects. Awareness helps people step into their rational, adult selves rather than being controlled by the emotional chaos of limerence.

What are some typical thoughts a person in limerence might experience?

Common thoughts in limerence include feelings of obsession, such as believing the person they’re fixated on is their soulmate, constantly longing for their attention, or rationalizing unhealthy behaviors. These thoughts often fuel the cycle of addiction, making it harder to break free.

What is the 'Observer mind' and how does it help in overcoming limerence?

The 'Observer mind' refers to the part of our consciousness that can watch our thoughts and behaviors without being overwhelmed by them. It allows us to step back, observe the patterns caused by limerence, and choose to act from a place of reason and rationality rather than emotional impulse.

Why is using your 'grown-up brain' important when dealing with limerence?

Using your 'grown-up brain' involves engaging your rational mind and making decisions based on clear thinking. This adult self is always present, though sometimes it may be harder to access. By imagining what you would advise a dear friend in a similar situation, you can tap into your healthy adult mindset to make better choices.

How can the passage of time help in recovering from limerence?

Time acts as a compass in recovery from limerence. By reflecting on how you feel now compared to how you felt at the start of no contact, you can measure your progress. Feeling better over time can reassure you that you're moving in the right direction.

What role do goals play in overcoming limerence?

Setting clear personal goals helps maintain focus and provides a sense of direction. By asking yourself if your actions align with your long-term goals (e.g., being a better parent or improving your well-being), you can avoid getting sidetracked by the urges driven by limerence.

How does self-respect help in resisting the pull of limerence?

Self-respect is key in making choices that align with your well-being. Fenna suggests asking yourself whether an action, such as breaking no contact, is in line with your self-respect. Maintaining boundaries and staying true to your values ensures healthier decisions during recovery.

Why is enduring the pain of grief an important part of overcoming limerence?

Enduring the pain is necessary because grieving is a natural and healthy response to loss. The discomfort of letting go may be painful, but it is an essential part of the healing process. By sitting with the pain, individuals can detach from their obsession and begin to heal.

What is the role of self-compassion in the recovery from limerence?

Self-compassion allows individuals to acknowledge their pain without self-judgment. By recognizing that limerence is a challenging process and that it’s okay to feel confused or upset, people can foster a sense of kindness toward themselves, which accelerates healing and reduces feelings of shame or guilt.