The 6 faces of narcissistic hoovering
Summary
TLDRIn this insightful video, Dr. Romini delves into the complex phenomenon of 'hoovering' in narcissistic relationships. She outlines six distinct faces of hoovering, from the 'my life is awful without you' to the 'I have changed' and 'self-hoover' tactics, which can lure individuals back into toxic dynamics. The video serves as a cautionary guide, highlighting the importance of recognizing these manipulative behaviors to avoid re-engagement with a narcissist and the subsequent emotional turmoil.
Takeaways
- 🔄 Hoovering is a common relapse in the healing process from narcissistic abuse, often driven by hope or weakness.
- 😔 The 'My life is awful without you' Hoover is a false confession of change, often meaning they've lost a source of emotional regulation or 'supply'.
- 🆘 The 'Please help me' Hoover uses fabricated emergencies to manipulate empathy and draw you back into the relationship.
- 🚫 The 'I have changed' Hoover is a deceptive claim, as true change is unlikely to occur in a short period and can be a trap for re-engagement.
- 💪 The 'You think you are healed and can manage them this time' Hoover can be risky, as personal growth does not guarantee the other person has changed.
- 😡 The 'You are happy and I'm going to mess it up' Hoover is a narcissist's reaction to your happiness, which they may perceive as a threat.
- 🔄 The 'Self Hoover' refers to one's own actions that may lead to re-engagement with the narcissist, such as checking their social media or accidental encounters.
- 🤔 Hoovering can be part of a cycle of trauma bonding, making it difficult to break free from the relationship entirely.
- 🚨 Beware of the shame and self-blame that can follow if you fall into the trap of self-hoovering.
- ⚠️ Recognize that hoovering is a part of the trauma-bonded cycle that can make relationships with narcissists feel like an endless recurrence.
Q & A
What is the main topic of Dr. Romini's YouTube channel video?
-The main topic of the video is 'hoovering' in the context of narcissistic relationships and how it relates to the healing process after narcissistic abuse.
What does Dr. Romini suggest is a common misconception about hoovering?
-Dr. Romini suggests that hoovering is often viewed as an afterthought, but it is actually a profoundly important part of understanding narcissistic relationships.
What is the 'my life is awful without you' hoover according to Dr. Romini?
-The 'my life is awful without you' hoover is when a narcissist claims to be miserable without the other person, often as a way to draw them back into the relationship. It's a fantasy that the narcissist would miss the person that much, but in reality, they are missing their source of supply.
Why is the 'I have changed' hoover a false assumption according to the video?
-The 'I have changed' hoover is a false assumption because the necessary amount of change for a narcissist could not have been enacted in a brief period of time, and it's unlikely that they have genuinely changed in a meaningful way.
What is the 'you think you are healed and can manage them this time' hoover and why is it risky?
-This type of hoovering occurs when a person believes they are now stronger and can handle the narcissist, but the narcissist hasn't changed. It's risky because even if the person has grown, the narcissist's behavior remains the same, potentially leading to retraumatization.
What does Dr. Romini refer to as the 'self hoover' and why is it problematic?
-The 'self hoover' is when a person who is not ready to let go of the narcissist might engage in behaviors like checking their social media or reaching out to them, which can lead to re-engagement with the narcissist and further emotional turmoil.
How does Dr. Romini describe the narcissist's reaction to the victim's happiness?
-Dr. Romini describes the narcissist as being allergic to or disgusted by the victim's happiness, which can trigger a hoovering attempt to disrupt the victim's newfound joy.
What advice does Dr. Romini give regarding helping a narcissist who claims to be in danger?
-Dr. Romini advises that if a narcissist claims to be in danger, one should not act as emergency services but rather encourage the narcissist to call 9-1-1 or contact them on their behalf if genuinely concerned.
What is the significance of the 'hoovering' cycle in the context of trauma bonds?
-The 'hoovering' cycle is significant because it perpetuates the trauma bond, making it difficult for the victim to break free from the narcissistic relationship and leading to a cycle of self-blame and re-engagement.
How does Dr. Romini suggest one can avoid falling into the self hoover trap?
-Dr. Romini suggests being aware of the trauma bonding and avoiding behaviors that might lead to re-engagement with the narcissist, such as checking their social media or sending texts, especially during moments of loneliness or euphoric recall.
What is the potential consequence of falling back into a relationship with a narcissist after leaving?
-The potential consequence is that the person may experience further emotional distress, a continuation of the trauma-bonded cycle, and an exacerbation of self-blame, making the healing process even more challenging.
Outlines
🔮 Understanding Hoovering in Narcissistic Relationships
Dr. Romini introduces the concept of 'hoovering' as a critical aspect of narcissistic relationships. Hoovering represents the act of a narcissist drawing someone back into a relationship after a break, often through manipulation and false promises of change. The video outlines six to seven different tactics used by narcissists to 'hoover', starting with expressing how miserable they are without the person and claiming to have changed. Dr. Romini emphasizes the importance of recognizing these behaviors to avoid falling back into a harmful cycle.
🚨 Warning Signs of Hoovering Tactics
This paragraph delves deeper into the various tactics of hoovering, including the 'my life is awful without you' approach, where the narcissist pretends to be in distress to elicit sympathy. It also covers the 'please help me' tactic, where the narcissist may claim danger or need financial assistance to manipulate the person into helping them. Dr. Romini advises against falling for these ploys, as they are likely to lead to further abuse and manipulation. The paragraph also touches on the 'I have changed' tactic, warning that true change is unlikely to have occurred in a short period and can be a trap for those trying to leave a narcissistic relationship.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Hoovering
💡Narcissistic Abuse
💡Trauma Bonds
💡My Life is Awful Without You Hoover
💡Please Help Me Hoover
💡I Have Changed Hoover
💡Self Hoover
💡Narcissism
💡Healing Process
💡Narcissistic Relationships
💡Euphoric Recall
Highlights
Introduction to the concept of 'hoovering' in the context of narcissistic relationships.
Hoovering as a relapse in the healing process of narcissistic abuse.
The 'my life is awful without you' hoover, a common tactic used by narcissists to regain control.
The illusion of change in narcissists and the danger of believing in their transformation.
The risk of self-deception in thinking one can manage a narcissist after healing.
The 'you are happy and I'm going to mess it up' hoover, where narcissists disrupt the happiness of their former victims.
The self-hoover, where individuals may inadvertently draw themselves back into a toxic relationship.
The importance of recognizing the signs of hoovering to avoid falling back into a harmful cycle.
The role of empathy in the effectiveness of hoovering tactics used by narcissists.
The potential for financial and emotional exploitation through hoovering.
The distinction between genuine change and manipulation in the context of narcissistic behavior.
The impact of social media on the dynamics of hoovering and the potential for re-engagement.
The psychological impact of self-hoovering and the associated feelings of shame.
The potential for multiple cycles of hoovering in relationships with narcissists.
The advice against taking back a narcissist based on their claims of change without substantial evidence.
The reminder to not let the trauma bonds of a past relationship influence current decisions.
The promotion of Dr. Romini's podcast 'Navigating Narcissism' for further insights.
Transcripts
hey everyone it's dr romini welcome back
to this youtube channel on narcissism
and today we're going to talk about the
many different faces of hoovering
hoovering is something we often view as
almost like an afterthought but it's
actually a really profoundly important
part of understanding narcissistic
relationships and just as an aside
i would love to just keep reminding you
that i do have a new podcast uh called
navigating narcissism you can get more
information by going to the video notes
and you can listen to it and subscribe
anywhere you listen to your podcasts but
let's talk about hoovering
hoovering right
again it's that relapse that moment of
relapse and the healing process of
narcissistic abuse and frankly it's a
very human response to fall back in
a hope to work it through a fantasy that
somehow it can be different an attempt
to get it right
or a moment of weakness
so let's break down the six
maybe even seven faces of hoovering
number one
the my life is awful without you i was
wrong hoover
this could also be called the fantasy
hoover it's what all of us ever wanted
to hear when we were in these
relationships i was bad you are good i
don't deserve you but i want to devote
my life to loving you and making you
happy that's what we want to hear we
wanted to hear them say i'm miserable
without you i cry i'm sad i can't stop
thinking about you right that's the
fantasy that they would miss us that
much hearing that especially if it is
early enough in your healing process is
dangerous
actually i am sure their life is awful
without you in it but they don't
actually mean it in that good way
but they are going to make your life
awful again if you let them back in
and when they say their life is awful
without you they don't mean it the way
you want it to mean
in losing you they lost supply
they lost a punching bag they lost a
source of regulation that's what they
mean
do you really want that role again
number two is the please help me things
are so dire in my life hoover
if they really can't get to you you
really block them you don't respond they
double down they'll say strange things
like people are after me or i'm not safe
or i feel like i could hurt myself they
might ask for money i just need a little
money because i'm in a tough spot
something since things ended you are not
emergency services nor are you social
services if they're in danger then tell
them to call 9-1-1 or call it for them
if you're actually concerned about their
welfare
narcissists do this because they know it
works they know you have empathy you
know you once cared about this person
you may still and frankly you don't want
to live with the regret of it all you're
nice so you want to help and in the
blink of an eye by reaching out and
offering to help you may be back in the
mess and on the chain financially with
time or with mental energy if you truly
believe someone's at harm it's not your
responsibility you should really call
emergency services
number three the i have changed hoover
no they haven't so if those are the
grounds on which you are taking them
back it's a false assumption
the amount of change necessary could
never have been enacted in a brief
period of time they may tout having gone
to therapy life coaching taking
ayahuasca a trip to the moon whatever
it's easy for them to say they've
changed
all probabilities against it having
happened in a meaningful way and
especially
if you're still struggling with your
trauma bonds this is a risky
letting them back in right and then
you're going to have to waste time in
that entire cycle again and having to
get out again
number four is the the you think you are
healed and can manage them this time
hoover
you may be but they haven't changed so
let's say you are stronger and now
you're much more understanding of trauma
bonds and narcissism and all the rest
what does that look like
was the sex really that good is anyone
that attractive
is it really worth taking them back
your being stronger is great and sure
you can radically accept to the ends of
the earth but getting out was not easy
healing was not easy so when they come
rolling around and your rationale is
that i can handle it this time i won't
go deep i will radically accept okay but
then ask yourself
is that really a relationship
the number five kind of hoover is that
you are happy and i'm going to mess it
up hoover this hoover kind this kind of
hoovering is so big that it actually is
its own video that's going to come out
very soon it might even come out
tomorrow
they are allergic to your happiness
in fact i would argue they are disgusted
by your happiness so they're going to
come for it
they see your social media posts they
may talk to your friends they know
you're happy listen to that video that's
about to come out because this is a
bigger topic but it's real
number six is the self hoover
if you aren't ready to let them go it's
easy for you to go sniffing around to
look at their social media to set up
your schedule in a way that oops here we
are running into each other at the gym
at the same time or to send some text to
them yourself or heaven forbid that you
drunk text them
the trauma bonding means that these
relationships are extremely confusing
and at times of loneliness or euphoric
recall it is easy to reach back out
try not to do this
it often won't work but if your timing
is unfortunate it might
and they'll start looping back into your
life or you may get caught into a one
night or a one weekend hook up that
leaves you feeling even worse
this is also tough because people may
feel a sense of shame after doing this
and it makes the self blame worse
if this relationship you already got out
of ends up having an act 2 or an act 3
or an act 4.
hoovering is simply a part of the
trauma-bonded cycle that can make these
relationships feel
like an eternal recurrence
keep it in mind because getting sucked
back in
is not only not good for you
it takes all of those cycles around
self-blame
and makes them far far worse thanks
again
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