The 6 faces of narcissistic hoovering

Summary

In this insightful video, Dr. Romini delves into the complex phenomenon of 'hoovering' in narcissistic relationships. She outlines six distinct faces of hoovering, from the 'my life is awful without you' to the 'I have changed' and 'self-hoover' tactics, which can lure individuals back into toxic dynamics. The video serves as a cautionary guide, highlighting the importance of recognizing these manipulative behaviors to avoid re-engagement with a narcissist and the subsequent emotional turmoil.

Takeaways

• 🔄 Hoovering is a common relapse in the healing process from narcissistic abuse, often driven by hope or weakness.
• 😔 The 'My life is awful without you' Hoover is a false confession of change, often meaning they've lost a source of emotional regulation or 'supply'.
• 🆘 The 'Please help me' Hoover uses fabricated emergencies to manipulate empathy and draw you back into the relationship.
• 🚫 The 'I have changed' Hoover is a deceptive claim, as true change is unlikely to occur in a short period and can be a trap for re-engagement.
• 💪 The 'You think you are healed and can manage them this time' Hoover can be risky, as personal growth does not guarantee the other person has changed.
• 😡 The 'You are happy and I'm going to mess it up' Hoover is a narcissist's reaction to your happiness, which they may perceive as a threat.
• 🔄 The 'Self Hoover' refers to one's own actions that may lead to re-engagement with the narcissist, such as checking their social media or accidental encounters.
• 🤔 Hoovering can be part of a cycle of trauma bonding, making it difficult to break free from the relationship entirely.
• 🚨 Beware of the shame and self-blame that can follow if you fall into the trap of self-hoovering.
• ⚠️ Recognize that hoovering is a part of the trauma-bonded cycle that can make relationships with narcissists feel like an endless recurrence.

Q & A

What is the main topic of Dr. Romini's YouTube channel video?

The main topic of the video is 'hoovering' in the context of narcissistic relationships and how it relates to the healing process after narcissistic abuse.

What does Dr. Romini suggest is a common misconception about hoovering?

Dr. Romini suggests that hoovering is often viewed as an afterthought, but it is actually a profoundly important part of understanding narcissistic relationships.

What is the 'my life is awful without you' hoover according to Dr. Romini?

The 'my life is awful without you' hoover is when a narcissist claims to be miserable without the other person, often as a way to draw them back into the relationship. It's a fantasy that the narcissist would miss the person that much, but in reality, they are missing their source of supply.

Why is the 'I have changed' hoover a false assumption according to the video?

The 'I have changed' hoover is a false assumption because the necessary amount of change for a narcissist could not have been enacted in a brief period of time, and it's unlikely that they have genuinely changed in a meaningful way.

What is the 'you think you are healed and can manage them this time' hoover and why is it risky?

This type of hoovering occurs when a person believes they are now stronger and can handle the narcissist, but the narcissist hasn't changed. It's risky because even if the person has grown, the narcissist's behavior remains the same, potentially leading to retraumatization.

What does Dr. Romini refer to as the 'self hoover' and why is it problematic?

The 'self hoover' is when a person who is not ready to let go of the narcissist might engage in behaviors like checking their social media or reaching out to them, which can lead to re-engagement with the narcissist and further emotional turmoil.

How does Dr. Romini describe the narcissist's reaction to the victim's happiness?

Dr. Romini describes the narcissist as being allergic to or disgusted by the victim's happiness, which can trigger a hoovering attempt to disrupt the victim's newfound joy.

What advice does Dr. Romini give regarding helping a narcissist who claims to be in danger?

Dr. Romini advises that if a narcissist claims to be in danger, one should not act as emergency services but rather encourage the narcissist to call 9-1-1 or contact them on their behalf if genuinely concerned.

What is the significance of the 'hoovering' cycle in the context of trauma bonds?

The 'hoovering' cycle is significant because it perpetuates the trauma bond, making it difficult for the victim to break free from the narcissistic relationship and leading to a cycle of self-blame and re-engagement.

How does Dr. Romini suggest one can avoid falling into the self hoover trap?

Dr. Romini suggests being aware of the trauma bonding and avoiding behaviors that might lead to re-engagement with the narcissist, such as checking their social media or sending texts, especially during moments of loneliness or euphoric recall.

What is the potential consequence of falling back into a relationship with a narcissist after leaving?

The potential consequence is that the person may experience further emotional distress, a continuation of the trauma-bonded cycle, and an exacerbation of self-blame, making the healing process even more challenging.