The difference between healthy and unhealthy love | Katie Hood | TED

Summary

This script addresses the lack of explicit education on love and its complexities. It highlights the often-overlooked signs of unhealthy love, such as intensity, isolation, extreme jealousy, belittling, and volatility, using the 'Couplets' to illustrate these markers. The speaker, from One Love, an organization dedicated to educating about relationship health, emphasizes the importance of recognizing and addressing these signs to prevent abuse and improve our capacity to love better, advocating for open communication and mutual respect as key skills in fostering healthy relationships.

Takeaways

• 💔 Love is a complex emotion that is central to our lives, yet we are rarely taught how to love healthily.
• 🤔 Unhealthy relationship behaviors are common, affecting everyone at some point, often in subtle ways.
• 🚨 Relationship abuse is prevalent, with one in three women and one in four men experiencing it in their lifetime.
• 🙅‍♂️ Isolation, extreme jealousy, and belittling are signs of unhealthy love that are often missed or misunderstood.
• 👀 The intensity of a new relationship can shift from exciting to overwhelming, signaling a potential problem.
• 🔒 Isolation in a relationship involves pulling away from friends and family, which is a red flag.
• 🤬 Extreme jealousy can manifest as possessiveness, mistrust, and frequent accusations, which are unhealthy.
• 🗣️ Communication is key; expressing needs and having them respected is crucial in a relationship.
• 😡 Belittling, using words as weapons, and not supporting a partner are signs of an unhealthy dynamic.
• 🌪️ Volatility, including frequent breakups and makeups, can indicate an emotionally unstable and potentially dangerous relationship.
• 🛑 Recognizing the signs of unhealthy love is the first step towards improving and maintaining healthy relationships.

Q & A

What is the central theme of the video script?

The central theme of the video script is the exploration of love and the importance of recognizing and addressing unhealthy relationship behaviors, including the signs of unhealthy love and how to improve our ability to love better.

Why is it significant that we're never explicitly taught how to love according to the script?

It is significant because love plays a central role in our lives, yet people often navigate relationships without understanding the signs of unhealthy love, which can lead to harm, disrespect, and even abuse within those relationships.

What is the organization One Love, and what was the catalyst for its creation?

One Love is an organization founded by a family who lost their daughter, Yeardley, to a tragic incident involving her ex-boyfriend. The catalyst for its creation was the realization that there were warning signs of danger that were overlooked, and the organization was started with the mission to educate others about these signs to prevent similar tragedies.

What are the three main goals of One Love as mentioned in the script?

The three main goals of One Love are to provide a language for discussing awkward and uncomfortable relationship topics, to empower friends as a front line of support, and to improve everyone's ability to love better.

What are the five markers of unhealthy love presented in the script?

The five markers of unhealthy love presented are intensity, isolation, extreme jealousy, belittling, and volatility.

How does the script define intensity in the context of unhealthy love?

In the context of unhealthy love, intensity is defined as an overwhelming and potentially suffocating level of affection and emotion that starts out as exciting but shifts over time to something more controlling and restrictive.

What is the significance of isolation in unhealthy love relationships?

Isolation is significant in unhealthy love relationships because it involves the partner pulling the individual away from their support system of friends and family, which can lead to dependence on the unhealthy relationship and make it harder to leave.

Why is extreme jealousy considered a marker of unhealthy love in the script?

Extreme jealousy is considered a marker of unhealthy love because it involves possessiveness, mistrust, and frequent accusations, which can create a threatening, desperate, and angry environment that is not conducive to a healthy relationship.

How does the script describe the use of words in unhealthy love?

In unhealthy love, words are used as weapons, turning conversations from fun and lighthearted to mean and embarrassing. This includes making fun of the individual in a hurtful way or telling jokes at their expense, which can silence and demoralize them.

What is volatility in the context of the script, and why is it a concern?

Volatility in the context of the script refers to the pattern of frequent breakups and makeups, emotional highs and lows, and extreme emotional reactions. It is a concern because it can indicate a roller coaster of a relationship that may be unhealthy and potentially dangerous.

What advice does the script offer for those who recognize unhealthy love in their relationships?

The script advises that understanding the signs of unhealthy love is the first step to improving. It suggests practicing open communication, mutual respect, kindness, and patience. It also emphasizes the importance of consulting with experts if there is a fear of abuse to get advice on how to leave safely.

How does the script relate the concept of unhealthy love to broader life aspects?

The script relates the concept of unhealthy love to broader life aspects by suggesting that understanding these signs can help audit and understand nearly every relationship in one's life, including friendships, family interactions, and work relationships.

What is the role of language and voice in addressing unhealthy love according to the script?

According to the script, language and voice play a crucial role in addressing unhealthy love. They provide individuals with the ability to express their needs, to talk about their own feelings, and to make others pause and reconsider their actions when the bar for how they should be treated is not met.

Why does the script emphasize the importance of practicing relationship skills?

The script emphasizes the importance of practicing relationship skills because they are one of the most important and hard-to-build aspects of life. Practicing these skills can help improve nearly every aspect of life and can be improved over time, even though it won't make one perfect.

Outlines

00:00

💔 The Complexity of Love and Unhealthy Relationships

The script begins by acknowledging the central role of love in human lives and the lack of explicit instruction on how to love properly. It highlights the paradox that while everyone experiences love, many also engage in harmful behaviors within relationships, ranging from subtle disrespect to severe abuse. The speaker introduces the organization One Love, founded after the tragic death of Yeardley, to raise awareness about the warning signs of relationship abuse. The goals of the organization are to provide a common language for discussing love, empower friends to help, and improve the ability to love healthily. The script uses the video 'The Couplets' to illustrate five markers of unhealthy love, starting with intensity, which can shift from exciting to suffocating in an abusive relationship.

05:01

🏰 The Dangers of Isolation and Extreme Jealousy in Relationships

This paragraph delves into the second and third markers of unhealthy love: isolation and extreme jealousy. Isolation is described as a subtle shift where a new partner pulls one away from friends and family, undermining one's support system. Extreme jealousy is characterized by possessiveness, mistrust, and a constant need for reassurance, leading to accusations and tension. The speaker emphasizes the importance of independence and maintaining connections outside of the relationship, as well as the need to recognize and address these unhealthy patterns to foster healthier relationships.

10:04

🗣️ The Impact of Belittling and Volatility on Relationships

The final paragraph of the script addresses the fourth and fifth markers of unhealthy love: belittling and volatility. Belittling involves using words as weapons, turning once-lighthearted conversations into hurtful exchanges, and silencing the victim with accusations of overreaction. Volatility is characterized by emotional extremes, frequent breakups and makeups, and the roller coaster of emotions that can signal an abusive relationship. The speaker stresses the importance of recognizing these signs to understand and improve all types of relationships in one's life, including friendships and family dynamics. The script concludes by emphasizing that while love is an instinct, the ability to love better is a skill that can be developed and refined over time.

Keywords

💡Love

Love is a complex and multifaceted emotion that encompasses a range of positive feelings such as affection, joy, and attachment. In the video, love is presented as a central theme, with the speaker exploring its connection to emotions like trust and security, as well as its potential to lead to unhealthy behaviors and even abuse. The script uses the term to highlight the importance of understanding and learning how to love in a healthy way.

💡Unhealthy Relationship Behaviors

Unhealthy relationship behaviors refer to actions or patterns within a relationship that are harmful or disrespectful. The video discusses how these behaviors can manifest subtly, such as guilting a friend or snooping through a partner's texts, and how they are a part of being human. The speaker emphasizes the need to recognize and address these behaviors to foster healthier relationships.

💡Abuse and Violence

Abuse and violence in the context of the video refer to extreme forms of harm inflicted on loved ones within relationships. The speaker cites statistics about the prevalence of relationship abuse and challenges the common misconception that it only happens to others. The video aims to raise awareness about the signs of abuse and the importance of education in preventing it.

💡One Love

One Love is an organization mentioned in the video that was founded by a family after their daughter, Yeardley, was killed by her ex-boyfriend. The organization's mission is to educate people about the warning signs of relationship abuse, with the goal of preventing such tragedies. The video uses the story of One Love to illustrate the importance of recognizing and addressing unhealthy love.

💡Intensity

In the video, intensity is described as one of the markers of unhealthy love. It refers to the overwhelming emotions and affection that can be suffocating in a relationship. The speaker uses examples from a video to contrast healthy expressions of missing someone with the unhealthy intensity that can signal an abusive relationship.

💡Isolation

Isolation is identified as a sign of unhealthy love in the video. It occurs when a partner pulls the other person away from their friends and family, creating a sense of dependency. The speaker explains how isolation can be missed because it starts with a desire to spend time together but shifts into a controlling behavior that undermines the individual's support system.

💡Extreme Jealousy

Extreme jealousy is another marker of unhealthy love discussed in the video. It is characterized by possessiveness, mistrust, and frequent accusations of flirting or cheating. The speaker contrasts normal jealousy with the extreme form that can be threatening and desperate, indicating a potential for abuse.

💡Belittling

Belittling is the act of making someone feel small or insignificant, often through words or actions. In the context of the video, it is presented as a harmful behavior in relationships where words are used as weapons, turning conversations from lighthearted to mean and embarrassing. The speaker emphasizes the importance of supportive and uplifting language in healthy relationships.

💡Volatility

Volatility in relationships, as described in the video, refers to the emotional instability characterized by frequent breakups and makeups, as well as extreme emotional highs and lows. The speaker uses examples to illustrate how volatility can be a sign of an unhealthy and potentially dangerous relationship.

💡Healthy Relationships

Healthy relationships are a key contrast to the unhealthy behaviors discussed in the video. They are characterized by open communication, mutual respect, kindness, and patience. The speaker encourages the audience to practice these qualities daily to improve their relationships, acknowledging that while practice makes better, it does not make perfect.

💡Education

Education is highlighted in the video as a crucial tool for recognizing and preventing unhealthy love and relationship abuse. The speaker from One Love emphasizes the importance of providing people with the language and knowledge to identify warning signs and to promote healthier ways of relating to one another.

Highlights

The concept of 'love' is universally connected with a range of emotions but is not explicitly taught.

People often harm and disrespect those they love through subtle behaviors like guilting, snooping, or shaming.

A significant number of individuals will experience unhealthy relationship behaviors and abuse in their lifetime.

Abuse and violence in relationships are common but often unrecognized or ignored.

The organization One Love was founded to educate about the warning signs of relationship abuse after a tragic incident.

The mission of One Love includes providing language for discussing awkward subjects, empowering friends to help, and improving the ability to love better.

Unhealthy signs in relationships are often missed, and content is created to initiate conversations about them.

The video 'The Couplets' is used to illustrate five markers of unhealthy love.

Intensity in relationships can shift from exciting to overwhelming, indicating unhealthy love.

Isolation is a frequently missed sign of unhealthy love, where a partner pulls one away from their support system.

Extreme jealousy, possessiveness, and mistrust are markers of an unhealthy relationship.

Belittling, using words as weapons, is a sign of an unhealthy dynamic in love.

Volatility, including frequent breakups and makeups, is a marker of an unhealthy and potentially dangerous relationship.

Understanding the signs of unhealthy love can help audit and understand various relationships in one's life.

The ability to love better is a skill that can be built and improved over time, not just an instinct or emotion.

Practicing open communication, mutual respect, kindness, and patience can improve relationship dynamics.

Even with knowledge of healthy relationships, people can still make unhealthy choices, emphasizing the importance of ongoing practice.

The speaker shares a personal anecdote about losing patience with her children and the importance of having a language to address such moments.

Transcripts

So when you think about a child, a close friend, or a romantic partner,

the word "love" probably comes to mind,

and instantly other emotions rush in:

joy and hope,

excitement, trust and security,

and yes, sometimes sadness and disappointment.

There might not be a word in the dictionary

that more of us are connected to than love.

Yet, given its central importance in our lives,

isn't it interesting that we're never explicitly taught how to love?

We build friendships,

navigate early romantic relationships,

get married and bring babies home from the hospital

with the expectation that we'll figure it out.

But the truth is, we often harm and disrespect the ones we love.

It can be subtle things

like guilting a friend into spending time with you

or sneaking a peak at your partner's texts

or shaming a child for their lack of effort at school.

100 percent of us will be on the receiving end

of unhealthy relationship behaviors

and 100 percent of us will do unhealthy things.

It's part of being human.

In its worst form, the harm we inflict on loved ones

shows up as abuse and violence,

and relationship abuse

is something that one in three women and one in four men

will experience in their lifetime.

Now, if you're like most people, when you hear those stats,

you'll go, "Oh, no, no, no, that would never happen to me."

It's instinctual to move away from the words "abuse" and "violence,"

to think that they happen to someone else somewhere else.

But the truth is, unhealthy relationships and abuse are all around us.

We just call them different things and ignore the connection.

Abuse sneaks up on us disguised in unhealthy love.

I work for an organization called One Love

started by a family whose daughter Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend.

This was a tragedy no one saw coming,

but when they looked back, they realized the warning signs were there

just no one understood what they were seeing.

Called crazy or drama or too much drinking,

his actions weren't understood to be what they really were,

which was clear signs of danger.

Her family realized that if anyone had been educated about these signs,

her death could have been prevented.

So today we're on a mission to make sure

that others have the information that Yeardley and her friends didn't.

We have three main goals:

give all of us a language for talking about a subject

that's quite awkward and uncomfortable to discuss;

empower a whole front line, namely friends, to help;

and, in the process, improve all of our ability to love better.

To do this, it's always important to start by illuminating

the unhealthy signs that we frequently miss,

and our work really focuses on creating content

to start conversations with young people.

As you'd expect, most of our content is pretty serious,

given the subject at hand,

but today I'm going to use one of our more light-hearted

yet still thought-provoking pieces,

"The Couplets,"

to illuminate five markers of unhealthy love.

The first is intensity.

(Video) Blue: I haven't seen you in a couple days. I've missed you.

Orange: I've missed you too. (#thatslove)

Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes. It feels like a lifetime.

What have you been doing without me for five whole minutes?

Orange: It's been three minutes. (#thatsnotlove)

Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that? I don't know. I do.

Abusive relationships don't start out abusive.

They start out exciting and exhilarating.

There's an intensity of affection and emotion, a rush.

It feels really good.

You feel so lucky, like you've hit the jackpot.

But in unhealthy love, these feelings shift over time

from exciting to overwhelming and maybe a little bit suffocating.

You feel it in your gut.

Maybe it's when your new boyfriend or girlfriend

says "I love you" faster than you were ready for

or starts showing up everywhere, texting and calling a lot.

Maybe they're impatient when you're slow to respond,

even though they know you had other things going on that day.

It's important to remember that it's not how a relationship starts that matters,

it's how it evolves.

It's important in the early days of a new relationship

to pay attention to how you're feeling.

Are you comfortable with the pace of intimacy?

Do you feel like you have space and room to breathe?

It's also really important to start practicing using your voice

to talk about your own needs.

Are your requests respected?

A second marker is isolation.

(Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out?

Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.

Orange 2: Want to hang out?

Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.

Orange 2: Tomorrow? Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.

Orange 2: Wednesday? Orange 1: No Friends Day.

KH: If you ask me, isolation is one of the most frequently missed

and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love.

Why?

Because every new relationship starts out with this intense desire

to spend time together,

it's easy to miss when something shifts.

Isolation creeps in when your new boyfriend or girlfriend

starts pulling you away from your friends and family,

your support system,

and tethering you more tightly to them.

They might say things like,

"Why do you hang out with them? They're such losers"

about your best friends,

or, "They want us to break up. They're totally against us"

about your family.

Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt

about everyone from your prerelationship life.

Healthy love includes independence,

two people who love spending time together

but who stay connected to the people and activities they cared about before.

While at first you might spend every waking minute together,

over time maintaining independence is key.

You do this by making plans with friends and sticking to them

and encouraging your partner to do the same.

A third marker of unhealthy love is extreme jealousy.

(Video) Blue 2: What are you so happy about?

Blue 1: She just started following me on Instagram!

Blue 2: What are you so nervous about?

Blue 1: She, she just started following me, like, everywhere.

(#thatsnotlove)

KH: As the honeymoon period begins to fade,

extreme jealousy can creep in.

Your partner might become more demanding,

needing to know where you are and who you're with all the time,

or they might start following you everywhere, online and off.

Extreme jealousy also brings with it possessiveness and mistrust,

frequent accusations of flirting with other people or cheating,

and refusal to listen to you when you tell them

they have nothing to worry about and that you only love them.

Jealousy is a part of any human relationship,

but extreme jealousy is different.

There's a threatening, desperate and angry edge to it.

Love shouldn't feel like this.

A fourth marker is belittling.

(Video) Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.

Blue: You'll get an A anyway, A for amazing. (#thatslove)

Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.

Blue: You'll get an F anyway,

F for, F for... stupid. (#thatsnotlove)

KH: Yeah, hmm.

In unhealthy love, words are used as weapons.

Conversations that used to be fun and lighthearted

turn mean and embarrassing.

Maybe your partner makes fun of you in a way that hurts,

or maybe they tell stories and jokes for laughs at your expense.

When you try to explain that your feelings have been hurt,

they shut you down and accuse you of overreacting.

"Why are you so sensitive? What's your problem. Give me a break."

You are silenced by these words.

It seems pretty obvious, but your partner should have your back.

Their words should build you up, not break you down.

They should keep your secrets and be loyal.

They should make you feel more confident,

not less.

Finally, a fifth marker: volatility.

(Video) Orange 1: I'd be sad if we broke up.

Orange 2: I'd be sad too. (#thatslove)

Orange 1: I'd so depressed if we ever broke up.

I'd throw myself off this step.

I would! Don't try to stop me!

(#thatsnotlove)

KH: Frequent breakups and makeups, high highs and low lows:

as tension rises, so does volatility.

Tearful, frustrated fights followed by emotional makeups,

hateful and hurtful comments like,

"You're worthless, I'm not even sure why I'm with you!"

followed quickly by apologies and promises it will never happen again.

By this point, you've been so conditioned to this relationship roller coaster

that you may not realize how unhealthy and maybe even dangerous

your relationship has become.

It can be really hard to see

when unhealthy love turns towards abuse,

but it's fair to say that the more of these markers

your relationship might have,

the more unhealthy and maybe dangerous your relationship could be.

And if your instinct is to break up and leave,

which is advice so many of us give our friends

when they're in unhealthy relationships,

that's not always the best advice.

Time of breakup can be a real trigger for violence.

If you fear you might be headed towards abuse or in abuse,

you need to consult with experts to get the advice on how to leave safely.

But it's not just about romantic relationships

and it's not just about violence.

Understanding the signs of unhealthy love

can help you audit and understand nearly every relationship in your life.

For the first time, you might understand why you're disappointed in a friendship

or why every interaction with a certain family member

leaves you discouraged and anxious.

You might even begin to see how your own intensity and jealousy

is causing problems with colleagues at work.

Understanding is the first step to improving,

and while you can't make every unhealthy relationship healthy --

some you're going to have to leave behind --

you can do your part every day to do relationships better.

And here's the exciting news:

it's actually not rocket science.

Open communication, mutual respect,

kindness, patience --

we can practice these things every day.

And while practice will definitely make you better,

I have to promise you it's also not going to make you perfect.

I do this for a living

and every day I think and talk about healthy relationships,

and still I do unhealthy things.

Just the other day as I was trying to shuttle my four kids out the door

amidst quarreling, squabbling and complaints about breakfast,

I completely lost it.

With an intentionally angry edge,

I screamed,

"Everybody just shut up and do what I say!

You are the worst!

I am going to take away screen time and dessert

and anything else you could possibly ever enjoy in life!"

(Laughter)

Anybody been there?

(Applause)

Volatility, belittling.

My oldest son turned around and looked at me, and said,

"Mom, that's not love."

(Laughter)

For a minute, I really wanted to kill him for calling me out.

Trust me.

But then I gathered myself

and I thought, you know what, I'm actually proud.

I'm proud that he has a language to make me pause.

I want all of my kids to understand what the bar should be

for how they're treated

and to have a language and a voice to use when that bar is not met

versus just accepting it.

For too long, we've treated relationships as a soft topic,

when relationship skills are one of the most important

and hard to build things in life.

Not only can understanding unhealthy signs

help you avoid the rabbit hole that leads to unhealthy love,

but understanding and practicing the art of being healthy

can improve nearly every aspect of your life.

I'm completely convinced

that while love is an instinct and an emotion,

the ability to love better is a skill we can all build

and improve on over time.

Thank you.

(Applause)