No Sex Marriage – Masturbation, Loneliness, Cheating and Shame | Maureen McGrath | TEDxStanleyPark

Summary

This engaging script delves into the complexities of sex in marriage, highlighting the disconnect between societal expectations and intimate realities. It humorously addresses the decline in sexual frequency post-marriage, the impact of chemical reactions like PEA on attraction, and the role of sex education—or lack thereof—in shaping attitudes towards sex. The speaker advocates for open communication, addressing sexual health, and prioritizing intimacy to combat the rise of sexless marriages and their associated emotional and physical health risks.

Takeaways

• 😅 Sex is a contentious issue in marriage, often second only to financial concerns.
• 🔒 Many married couples experience periods of no sex, which can be acceptable if both parties are content.
• 🚦 A survey shows 75% of married men are satisfied with their relationships but over 50% are dissatisfied with their sex lives.
• 🛍️ The average time couples have sex before marriage is ten years, which can lead to sexual boredom and affect marital sex life.
• 💔 A significant number of men would not have married if they knew their marriage would be sexless.
• 🔥 Only about 7% of married couples have very active sex lives, with most having sex a little over once a week for the first decade.
• 🧠 The brain chemical PEA is responsible for the excitement of new relationships and diminishes over time, affecting sexual frequency.
• 🚫 Poor sex education contributes to issues in sexual relationships, often teaching women that sex is dirty or overrated.
• 💻 The prevalence of internet pornography as a 'sex education' for men fails to teach them about intimacy and making love.
• 📱 Modern life distractions, like smartphones, can disconnect couples from each other, even during intimate moments.
• 💔 Lack of sex in a marriage can lead to feelings of frustration, loneliness, and can even have negative health impacts.

Q & A

What is one of the most contentious issues in marriage today?

Sex is one of the most contentious issues in marriage today, second only to finances.

According to the national newspaper survey, what percentage of married men were satisfied in their relationship but dissatisfied with their sex lives?

More than 50% of the married men surveyed were dissatisfied with their sex lives, despite 75% being satisfied in their relationships.

What is the average duration of sex before marriage in the context of the script?

The script mentions that people are having sex before marriage for an average of ten years, which is akin to being in a long-term relationship.

What percentage of brides today do not have sex on their wedding night according to the script?

The script states that most brides today do not have sex on their wedding night, although it does not provide a specific percentage.

What percentage of marriages meet the criteria for being considered sexless?

20% of marriages meet the criteria for being sexless, which is defined as having sex less than ten times a year.

What is the role of the chemical PEA in sexual attraction and frequency?

PEA is a chemical in the brain responsible for the elation, excitement, and euphoria felt when attracted to someone. However, after two years, the PEA diminishes, which can lead to a decrease in sexual frequency.

How does the speaker describe the sex education provided to girls and women, and its impact on their view of sex?

The speaker describes the sex education provided to girls and women as often teaching them that sex is dirty or bad, leading to a fear-based approach that can frighten women from enjoying sex and discourage discussions about pleasure or orgasm.

What is the common perception about the role of technology in sex education for boys and men as mentioned in the script?

The script suggests that internet pornography serves as a 'global program' for sex education for boys and men, which does not teach them about intimacy or how to make love to anyone.

What impact does the script suggest that children and the responsibilities of marriage can have on sexual desire?

The script implies that the responsibilities of marriage, such as finances, children, and caring for aging parents, can lead to exhaustion and disconnection, potentially reducing sexual desire.

What does the speaker suggest as a potential solution to increase sexual desire in a marriage?

The speaker suggests that communication, dealing with marital issues, seeking help for sexual dysfunctions, and focusing more on the spouse than on technology are potential solutions to increase sexual desire in a marriage.

How does the script address the issue of loneliness in the context of sexless marriages?

The script states that people in sexless marriages report feeling frustrated, unloved, and lonely, and that loneliness can have severe health consequences, including increasing the risk of early death.

Outlines

00:00

🛌 The Intimacy Crisis in Marriage

This paragraph addresses the contentious issue of sex in marriage, highlighting the contrast between societal expectations and actual marital experiences. It presents statistics from a national survey showing a discrepancy between relationship satisfaction and sexual fulfillment. The speaker humorously notes the prevalence of sex before marriage and the potential for sexual boredom in long-term relationships. The paragraph also touches on the chemical basis of attraction, PEA, and its decrease over time in relationships, emphasizing the importance of communication for maintaining a satisfying sex life.

05:00

🚼 The Impact of Sex Education and Technology on Intimacy

The speaker discusses the divergent sex education experiences of men and women, critiquing the fear-based approach often used for females and the unrealistic portrayals of intimacy provided by internet pornography for males. The paragraph also addresses the lack of sexual health information for the LGBTQI community. The speaker humorously points out the distractions of modern life, such as smartphones, and their impact on marital intimacy, suggesting that technology may be replacing human connection and contributing to the decline in sexual activity within marriages.

10:03

🤔 The Complexities of Sexual Desire and Relationship Dynamics

This paragraph delves into the factors affecting sexual desire in relationships, including the societal pressures on women to initiate sex and the misconceptions about sexual arousal. The speaker uses humor to discuss common excuses for avoiding sex and the potential for increased desire when a partner is sought after by others. The paragraph also touches on the challenges faced by older individuals in maintaining an active sex life, including erectile dysfunction and societal perceptions of age and sexuality.

15:07

🏥 Addressing Sexual Dysfunction and the Consequences of Sexless Marriages

The speaker presents case studies from her clinical practice to illustrate the complexities of sexual dysfunction and the potential consequences of sexless marriages. She discusses the impact of past sexual abuse on current sexual relationships and the importance of addressing erectile dysfunction as a potential indicator of other health issues. The paragraph also highlights the emotional toll of sexless marriages, including feelings of frustration, loneliness, and the increased risk of health problems associated with loneliness.

20:10

💡 Reversing the Trend of Sexless Marriages Through Communication and Lifestyle Changes

The final paragraph offers advice on how to revitalize sex in a marriage, emphasizing the importance of daily physical activity to improve blood flow and sexual sensation. The speaker suggests seeking help for sexual dysfunctions and paying more attention to one's partner than to technology. She humorously recommends dealing with marital issues in the bedroom and using fantasy as a tool for maintaining a healthy sex life. The paragraph concludes with a provocative suggestion to settle marital arguments naked, highlighting the speaker's belief in the importance of open communication and intimacy in marriage.

Keywords

💡Sexless Marriage

Sexless marriage refers to a marriage where the couple has little or no sexual activity. In the context of the video, it is a significant issue affecting marital satisfaction and is defined by experts as having sex less than ten times a year. The script discusses the prevalence and implications of sexless marriages, including feelings of frustration and loneliness that can arise from such situations.

💡PEA (Phenethylamine)

Phenethylamine (PEA) is a naturally occurring chemical in the brain associated with feelings of elation, excitement, and euphoria during the early stages of romantic attraction. The script explains that PEA levels diminish over time in a relationship, which can lead to a decrease in sexual frequency and激情, highlighting the biological aspect of attraction and its impact on marital intimacy.

💡Sexual Education

Sexual education in the video is portrayed as a critical factor influencing attitudes and behaviors towards sex. The script points out the disparities in sex education between genders, with women often receiving messages that sex is 'dirty' or 'bad,' while men are influenced by pornography, which does not teach about intimacy. The lack of comprehensive sex education is suggested to contribute to sexual dissatisfaction and issues in marriage.

💡Intimacy

Intimacy in the video is discussed as an essential aspect of a relationship that goes beyond sexual activity, encompassing emotional closeness and connection. It is suggested that the lack of intimacy can lead to a decrease in sexual desire and activity within a marriage. The script uses the term to emphasize the importance of emotional connection in maintaining a healthy sexual relationship.

💡Erectile Dysfunction

Erectile dysfunction is a medical condition where a man is unable to achieve or maintain an erection sufficient for sexual activity. The video script uses this term to illustrate a potential health issue that can affect a man's sexual performance and contribute to a sexless marriage. It is also likened to a 'canary in the coal mine,' suggesting it can be an early indicator of other health problems such as cardiovascular disease or diabetes.

💡Communication

Communication is highlighted in the video as a key to great sex and a healthy marriage. It is suggested that open dialogue about sexual desires, expectations, and issues can help couples navigate their sexual relationship more effectively. The script emphasizes the importance of discussing sexual needs and addressing any sexual dysfunctions or dissatisfaction.

💡Sexual Desire

Sexual desire refers to an individual's interest in sexual activity. The video script discusses factors that can influence sexual desire, such as hormonal changes, stress, relationship issues, and health conditions. It is portrayed as a complex aspect of human sexuality that can be affected by various elements within a marriage.

💡Orgasm

Orgasm is the climax of sexual excitement and pleasure. The script challenges the idea that orgasm is not important, arguing that it is a significant part of the sexual experience. The discussion around orgasm emphasizes the importance of pleasure in sex and the need for better sex education that includes information about female pleasure.

💡Loneliness

Loneliness is presented in the video as a consequence of sexless marriages, with people in such relationships reporting feelings of being unloved and undesirable. The script suggests that loneliness can have severe health implications, including increased vascular resistance and higher blood pressure, potentially leading to early death.

💡Infidelity

Infidelity is the act of being unfaithful in a relationship. The video script discusses how sexless marriages can lead to infidelity, with men and women seeking sexual and emotional fulfillment outside their marriage. It also touches on the role of technology in facilitating infidelity and the genetic predisposition some individuals may have towards it.

💡Sexual Health

Sexual health in the video encompasses more than just the absence of disease; it includes a positive approach to sexual activity and well-being. The script points out the lack of information about sexual health, particularly within the LGBTQI community, and the need for better education and resources to address sexual health issues.

Highlights

Sex is a contentious issue in marriage, second only to finances, with many couples experiencing long periods without it.

75% of married men surveyed are satisfied with their relationship but over 50% are dissatisfied with their sex lives.

The average time couples have sex before marriage is ten years, potentially leading to sexual boredom.

Most brides today do not have sex on their wedding night, and 50% of men would not marry if they knew their marriage would be sexless.

Only 7% of married couples have frequent sexual activity, with most having sex a little over once a week for the first decade of marriage.

20% of marriages are considered sexless, defined as having sex less than ten times a year.

PEA, a brain chemical, is responsible for the excitement and euphoria of sexual attraction but diminishes after two years, affecting sexual frequency.

Communication is key to great sex, especially as the initial chemical attraction fades.

Sex education often teaches girls that sex is dirty or overrated, discouraging them from enjoying sex.

Internet pornography serves as the primary sex education for boys and men, failing to teach them about intimacy.

Many women are working both inside and outside the home, leading to exhaustion and less sexual desire.

Technology, such as smartphones, often distracts couples from being present with each other, affecting intimacy.

Sexual activity can prompt sexual interest and desire in women, contrary to the common belief that desire precedes activity.

Erectile dysfunction can be a sign of underlying health issues, such as cardiovascular disease or diabetes.

Sexual abuse in childhood can have a lifelong impact on a person's sexual desire and enjoyment.

Sex is not limited by age and can be a healthy and fulfilling part of life well into the 80s and 90s.

Marriage has evolved from an institution based on property and labor to one promising romantic love, adding pressure for lifelong sexual compatibility.

To revive a sexless marriage, focus on physical health, communication, and addressing marital issues.

Fantasizing and using sex toys can enhance sexual experiences within a marriage.

Settling marital arguments in an intimate setting can foster better communication and understanding.

Transcripts

Translator: Vicky Lara Labaila Reviewer: Denise RQ

It's been said if you never want to have sex again, get married.

(Laughter)

Sex is one of the most contentious issues in marriage today,

second only to finances.

There are many married couples

that have not had sex for months, even years,

and that's OK as long as they are OK with it and happily married.

The problem arises when one person in the relationship wants sex,

and the other doesn't.

According to a national newspaper survey of approximately 10,000 respondents

- mostly married men -

75% were satisfied in their relationship,

but more than 50% were dissatisfied with their sex lives.

We are having sex - don't get me wrong -

we are just having sex at the wrong time, and with the wrong people;

I'll get to that later.

(Laughter)

We are having sex before we get married, ten years on average,

so we are effectively in a long-term relationship

and potentially, quite sexually bored before we even mess up the marital bed.

And that has its consequences.

Most brides today do not have sex on their wedding nights,

and 50% of men would not have married their spouse

had they known their marriage was going to be sexless.

So, everybody wants to know

just how much sex are married people having

whether they are in heterosexual relationships or same-sex unions.

You all want to know what's going on at the Joneses; well, not much.

(Laughter)

Only about 7% of married couples set the sheets ablaze.

Most married couples have sex

a little bit more than once a week for the first decade of their marriage.

It decreases after that.

So they have sex about 58 times a year.

And 20% of marriages meet the criteria as a sexless marriage,

and that, defined by the experts, is sex less than ten times a year.

So why aren't we having sex in our marriages?

There's a little-known chemical in the brain

conveniently called PEA or 'PEA, '

and it's responsible for the elation, the excitement, and the euphoria

that you feel when you meet somebody that you are sexually interested in.

It's a fantastic feeling.

This chemical is gorging through your blood vessels.

You are so happy; that's how powerful this little chemical is.

But what happens after two years

is that chemical diminishes as does sexual frequency.

That's just about the time

you might get married or may have conflict in your relationship,

and that is why communication is key to great sex.

There is another reason

we are not having sex in our relationship,

and that has to do with the sex education that we provide.

I'd like to share a story about myself.

When I was a teenager, my mother came racing into my bedroom, and she said,

"Maureen, please, tell me

you have not allowed a boy to French-kiss you."

She was feeling terrible that the sex education came a bit late.

And I was feeling horrifically guilty, as an Irish Catholic girl,

that I'd French-kissed a number of boys

(Laughter)

by that stage.

We teach girls and women

that sex is dirty, and sex is bad, or it's over rated.

We say, "You're just going to get a sexual-transmitted infection anyway,"

or, "You may get pregnant!"

This whole fear-base thing frightens women from enjoying sex,

and we never talk about pleasure or orgasm with girls and women.

And in fact, some women say, "Orgasm's not important,"

and that the journey is just as good as the destination.

I disagree.

(Laughter)

Of course.

I am the one who French-kissed all the boys, as an Irish Catholic girl.

(Laughter)

(Applause)

It's like getting on a train with your lover,

and you are going to the most pleasurable place on the planet.

You are so excited.

You are getting lubed up with all the free drinks they are giving you.

This is amazing!

And just before you reach your destination,

he gets off, and you don't.

(Laughter)

You get my point.

(Laughter)

(Applause)

The sex education we have for boys and men:

that's entirely different.

It's a global program, it's free, it's accessible to everybody,

and it's known as internet pornography.

Fantastic!

And it does nothing to teach men and boys about intimacy

which is really important to men and boys,

or how to make love to anybody.

Also, we have a paucity of information about sexual health

for LGBTQI community,

and we need to add to that.

Marriage can rapidly go from a holy matrimony to holy hell

with the finances, the kids, the houses, the illness.

I mean, you may have signed up for sickness and health,

but that was long before you'd ever witnessed a man cold.

(Laughter)

And...

(Laughter)

And how about that richer or poorer thing?

Ladies, we are going to have to start going for richer.

Most women today are working inside and outside of the home.

We are doing the lion's share of the housework

because according to research, men don't feel they are that good at it.

And we are bridging the gap

between growing children and aging parents.

We are exhausted doing it all and never doing it.

And when we are doing it, we are checking our smartphones.

10% of people check their smartphones during sex

(Laughter)

35% immediately afterward.

We are connected to the Internet

(Laughter)

(Cheers) (Applause)

We are connected to the Internet and disconnected from our would-be lovers.

Maybe this is the reason

that the most common sex position for married couples is doggy style.

No, no, no!

It's not what you're thinking.

Get your minds out of the gutter.

This is the one where he is on all his fours and begs,

and she plays dead.

(Laughter)

I have a clinical practice where I see patients that have sexual dysfunction,

and there are two questions that I ask everybody.

The first one is, "Are you sexually active?"

It's obvious.

When I ask women, they never say yes or no

- well, they never say yes -

but they never say yes or no.

They say, "Sometimes,"

"Sort of," "I am not sure," "He is"

(Laughter)

or they say, "I am married."

I say, "Well, that means no to me."

They say, "Yes, sure. Right. it is no."

Most men complain that women never initiate sex.

The reason for this is because, once again,

the sex education we provide to women.

Women falsely believe

that female sexual interest, desire, precedes sexual activity,

when in actuality,

it is sexual activity that prompts sexual interest and desire.

Sexual arousal emerges as a result of sexual activity.

So, you guys, I know, intimacy is important to you.

The most important question that reflects this,

that I receive from you,

is, "How much masturbation is too much masturbation?"

(Laughter)

So, I just say, "Well, as long as you can go to work

(Laughter)

you should be fine."

And then I realize

that that's perhaps all that what you are doing at work.

(Laughter)

So, I know intimacy is important.

You want to come home, and you want to make love to your wife

if you are in a heterosexual relationship.

So after a long and quite possibly very hard day,

you come home to a bit of chaos, perhaps,

but you've just got sex on the mind, and she says, "Did you remember the milk?"

And you are like, "Darn! The milk! I forgot the milk!"

Don't beat yourselves up about it;

if not for the milk,

we have Facebook, hormones, "I am feeling a little tired tonight,"

"My stomach is sticking out, I am feeling kind of fat, can't do it tonight,"

"Didn't we have sex last month?"

And you are like, "That was actually last year!"

(Laughter)

You don't get it. I mean, literally, you don't get it.

But you're like, "She is amazing, she works in and outside of the home,"

"She does a great job with the kids," "She volunteers,"

She even has time for girls' nights out.

So, I brought a friend home after one such girls' night out.

As we approached her house, drove up, she looked up to her bedroom window,

she saw that the lights were on, and she said,

"Argh! Donny is waiting up for me. Do me a favor.

Drive around the block a few times

(Laughter)

until the light goes out."

I said, "Listen! You get in there and make love to your husband,

before somebody else does."

Because that is one thing that will increase a woman's sexual desire

when someone else wants her man.

Still unconvinced, she said,

"I decided to extol the health and beauty benefits

that sex has for a woman:

a youthful glow, better sleep, wrinkle-free skin.

Keep driving," she said.

(Laughter)

There is a device that will increase anybody's sexual desire,

and that happens to be the Mercedes-Benz 4matic convertible SL

(Laughter)

and it comes in 64 colors.

But if that doesn't do it,

the desire to have a baby will rev up any woman's sex drive.

The problem is having that baby is likely to kill it

along with any marital eroticism a couple may have had

because a lot of people believe

motherhood and being sexual is incongruous.

John followed me on Linkedln for two years before he mustered up the courage

to make an appointment about his sexless marriage.

He'd been married for seven years,

and they had never consummated the relationship.

Their parents were pressuring them to have children

because they wanted grandchildren.

When they came into my clinical practice,

the second question that I ask everybody that enters my clinical practice,

most unfortunately, is,

"Have you ever experienced sexual abuse or unwanted sexual advances as a child?"

This was the first time this gentleman had learned

that his wife had experienced sexual abuse, as a six-year-old,

at the hands of her best friend's father.

She thought sex was dirty, she hated sex.

We need a worldwide moratorium on ending sexual violence on our children,

boys and girls, because it happens to both.

(Applause)

Healing from sexual abuse takes a lifetime.

Ella had lived a lifetime.

A widow, she said she wasn't sexually active, but she hoped to be.

I thought, "Fantastic! Somebody is going to have sex here!"

But she said, "The problem, Maureen,

is that these old guys can't get it up anymore."

I said, "Well, Ella, you might have to go for a younger guy."

She said, "What's younger when you are 84?"

(Laughter)

"70?"

(Laughter)

"Yes," some of you are saying.

The hard truth is

that men in their 30s and 40s may experience erectile dysfunction.

Ella is going to have to go for a millennial.

(Laughter)

So you are all probably thinking, "What's the big deal?

Why treat my erectile dysfunction?"

Well, I liken the penis to a plane.

If the pilot can't get the plane up in the air

and keep the plane in the air for the entire trip,

it's probably a problem with the engine.

So if you can't get your penis up

and keep it up for the entire sexual experience,

there's likely a problem with your engine.

Well, that's your heart.

Erectile dysfunction is the canary in the coal mine,

and it may signify cardiovascular disease.

It may also indicate diabetes.

So, these two medical conditions,

in addition to low testosterone, stress, substance use and abuse,

excessive alcohol consumption, unresolved conflict, financial issues,

all of those may contribute to low sexual desire,

and you may end up in a sexless marriage.

George presented to my clinical practice:

at age 40, he decided to settle down.

He was marrying a beautiful and accomplished woman

in a few months.

There's only one problem:

George was gay!

(Laughter)

George could not bear to tell his family that he was gay,

because he felt it would have shamed the entire family.

I said, "George, you are going to end up in a sexless marriage!"

He said, "Tell me something I don't know!"

So, George said to me his plan was this,

"Well, when my parents die, I'm then going to divorce this woman,

and I'm going to marry the man that I love."

I said, "George, you are not thinking straight!"

(Laughter)

Sex is the barometer of the state of affairs in a marriage.

People who live in sexless marriages report feeling frustrated, unloved,

undesirable, unattractive, and the worst of all, lonely.

And loneliness has been shown to increase vascular resistance,

elevate blood pressure, and lead to an early death.

You are more likely to die from loneliness

than you are from obesity or excessive alcohol consumption.

When I educate women, and I say,

"If you are not having sex with your husband, someone else may,"

they get upset, and they say

that I am blaming women for men's bad behavior,

when in actuality, I am doing a community service.

You see?

Men in sexless marriages cheat to remain in that marriage, in general.

And women cheat to leave a sexless marriage.

And women cheat, too. Nobody ever thinks we do.

We are just sneakier about it, we just don't get caught.

(Laughter)

Or socialize very differently.

This is one thing we have on you, guys.

(Laughter)

Women cheat with other men, and women cheat with other women.

And technology has made cheating accessible for everybody:

from the politician to the stay-at-home parent.

That quick swipe right can lead to an online passionate love affair;

from texting to sexting, to secret phone conversations.

The more two people communicate online,

the more likely an in-person encounter will occur.

But you can always blame your genes.

The gene DRD4 has been isolated in cheaters.

And the sexless marriage's just the environment to turn on that gene.

It's based on a system of pleasure and reward.

The stakes are high, the rewards, substantial.

It is the perfect cocktail to turn that love drug back on, PEA,

and the cycle begins again.

Historically, marriage was not based on mutual love

But rather it was an institution to acquire, of all things,

in-laws, property, and physical labor.

But at the turn of the 20th century, in America,

egalitarian ideals and the emerging Hollywood movie industry

burdened marriages with promising romantic love forever.

And now we are living forever. Fantastic! Congratulations!

You get to have sex with the same person for the rest of your life!

The second most common question that I hear from patients

is, "When does sex end?"

A 44-year-old asked me; he said, "When does sex end, Maureen? 65?"

I answered him this way, "A 22-year-old asked me,

'When does sex end, Maureen? 35?' Everybody is older, until you get there."

I am here to tell you that sex never ends.

If you are healthy, you can have

(Cheers)

(Applause)

If you are healthy,

you can have a great sex life well into your 80s and 90s.

Sex is good for you. Sex is healthy.

Yet, sex is shrouded in shame.

In the ancient aristocracies,

the wealthy men

had courtesans for pleasure and concubines for quick sex.

In the way we are going, computers will be our concubines;

internet pornography, our mistress of the day.

Technology is fast replacing human connection at high speed.

So, how do you rev up the sexless marriage?

Sex is about blood flow, it's exercise.

Everyday, you want to have a daily workout.

It increases your agility, your stamina.

Women will experience more sexual sensation

when blood is flowing to the genitalia.

It also helps to treat erectile dysfunction.

Also, get help for any of the sexual dysfunctions you may have.

Vaginal dryness is an issue that happens to women

who are on the oral contraceptive pill, who are breastfeeding,

perimenopausal, postmenopausal,

and there are treatments for you.

Pay more attention to your spouse than you do to your smartphone.

Spend more time in your bedrooms than you do in your boardrooms,

or your bedrooms are going to become boardrooms.

(Laughter)

Deal with your marital issues.

Go to sleep in the same bed, at the same time,

and don't bring anything or anyone into your marriage,

except for a great sex toy and a darn good sex therapist.

(Laughter)

You must establish guidelines

that govern those moments when you are struck

by someone's attractiveness outside of your marriage.

But don't think for a second

that you have to have sex with the same person

for the rest of your life.

That's not what I mean.

In your mind, that is, fantasy is key.

Your brain is your largest sex organ.

And one more thing: I would like to leave you all off with a bang:

(Laughter)

settle all marital arguments in the bedroom, naked.

(Cheers) (Laughter)

(Applause)